you know this is an age old topic...my entire life can be summed up into this topic..well parts of it anyway...all my life..literally all of my life..my mom has told me over and over that i need to lose weight..that i need to not eat certain things..that i need to watch what i eat..i tried and failed repeatedly as a kid and even as an adult to be this perfect person..i had been made to believe that losing weight, being skinny meant that i would be happier..that i would be more confident..that i would like myself more..that other people would like me...and thats just how it all started i guess...she pushed ..i barfed..ok so not at first ..but by the time middle school came around i was throwing up a lot...on purpose...i was so so so angry..and i think that i still am angry..at her..for telling me over and over that i wasnt good enough as i was...so it was one extreme after another..but it didnt get really out of hand until college..no eating...eating and getting sick...back to no eating..becoming a vegetarian ..and that one i even managed to do twice..back to off and on purging....the really interesting thing though..is that i wouldnt have food issues and self injury issues at the same time...it was always one or the other..but the food issues started way before self injury was ever in the picture...the food issues i guard much more closely ... i dont talk about it because i am actually more ashamed of the fact that i am liable to eat and throw up..than i am about the cutting/burning myself...much more ashamed...and i try not to blame you know..but i do know and believe that mommy is at the root of my eating issues...even now..im 30 years old and still she tells me what to eat or not eat...im afraid for her to see me because it will be all about how ive gained weight..how im not trying..how i know better..what i should and shouldnt have..what i need to give up...over and over and over..i can have the conversations in my head..i know what she will say..and i would rather avoid her looks of disgust...i hate being watched when im eating..i really do..and that is one thing that she does and has done for a long time...she watched me...told me when i had enough..told me to stop..took food away from me..didnt give me the same things as my brothers and sisters..because i was always the one that needed to lose weight..i was the outcast because i wasnt small or thin or talkative or pretty or anything at all ... and mommy made sure i knew it...she told me it was better that i heard it from her..because she loved me at least...if that is what someone who supposedly loves me says then damn bring on the people who dont..because i dont think it could be worse than what i was already hearing...she compared to to everyone i knew..more in college...she always asked why i couldnt be more like my roommates who were thin and pretty and dating...no i was just still the same quiet, suicidal, fat girl that i had always been...mommy is very appearance orientated ..and my appearance does nothing for her...these days yes she still tells me what i should wear or not wear...what i need to do to look better...at least once a week the conversation revolves around food and dieting and eating...
that is my life..that has been my life for so long that sometimes i really do forget what it is to eat normally...i know how to mess with my meds so that im not hungry..i know how to count calories like a pro..i know how to restrict and punish, and throw up..but i would never ever admit to doing it..because anyone looking at me would not think that i had any issues with eating...no they would think the opposite...but who wants to know that the fat girl can starve, and binge and purge with the best of them...no...everything is based on looks .. and that is an area that i have just failed in my entire life....and so yes ..when i found i had gained weight..i was angry..i am angry..at myself more than anything else..because i know better..i know how to eat...i know how to do what i am supposed to do..and i didnt and the outcome is that i have gained weight..and one of my first thoughts was..'i cant let mommy know'...and so for the past maybe two weeks or so..my head has been on over drive..thinking wondering, planning, over planning... i know that when it comes to food and eating and all of that i have to be careful..because i can go overboard..and i can hide it..and no one will figure anything out until its far to late...almost like how cutting was...but i was able to let go of the cutting...im not so sure i feel the same way about food issues...food is a gift and a punishment..lately more so a punishment...and the negative thoughts take over and fill my head..with thinking that i am just stupid and gross and all the stuff mommy tells me is so very true...because i cant look at people and not compare...not that i do it rudely or even out loud...but having the thoughts are enough i guess..why cant i look like her..or why cant i be skinny, and why why why why ...
i dont want to hear that i need to love the body i have...ive already destroyed this body..and im not in line to get another one any time soon..and so that means i am stuck with this body...and i have put it through a hell of a lot...and its still hanging in there for reasons i do not understand...yes ive done a lot of things trying to die..and none of them worked...ive thrown up so much that it hurt to breathe..it hurt to talk..it hurt to move..because i have learned that depending on how you throw up..you can use a heck of a lot of random muscles and all of that...and so the pull on them makes them sore...and it hurts..but maybe it is the pain i am after...the need to know that i can do this just because i can and no one can take it away from me....
-sigh- there really was a point to this ... and i really didnt mean to ramble on about my eating issues...
but tonight i made a healthy dinner..like super healthy..and it didnt kill me to eat it...im not dumb, i know what foods i need to increase or decrease..i know exercise is good and healthy..but the one thing that i realized tonight...is that the choice is mine to make..what i eat or dont eat..what i do or dont do..it is my choice...i can be healthy or well make healthier choices if i want to..not because i am being told to...the binging and purging are my choices as well...its not one i make often anymore..because it has become way to easy for me to decide i am going to be sick..and will get sick with just warped reflexes..that does scare me..but i like to tell myself that i have it under control..that im not sick..that there is nothing wrong with it as long as i am only doing it occasionally... but thats how it works isnt it...just one more time...i just need to do it one more time and then ill stop...i havent stopped completely for more than half of my life..what makes now so different?
and im gonna stop for the night..
Sunday, March 30, 2014
what is 1% of nothing ?
so tomorrow is the last day to apple for health insurance through the government..and i am so frustrated...because i know i need insurance..i know its important..i know im playing a semi dangerous game walking around with no insurance..and not being in the best of health..yada yada yada..i know the arguments..i do...and im still frustrated because i did sign up and i did pick a plan and now i cant afford it...and that is really upsetting ..when i signed up for it ..i had the money..and that was like two weeks ago! i checked and checked on how to pay and nothing was there..juts that i would be contacted...well i came home yesterday and had a letter letting me know that i have until April 10th to pay for my insurance .... the messed up part of that is that i dont get paid on the 10th..i get paid on the 13th..so something is going to bounce or something is going to not get paid ...and it makes me feel so dang stressed up...if i dont get it..then next year ill be fined on my taxes .. i dont get anything back in taxes anyway..the government owns me..prolly for the rest of my dang life..but i just dont know what to do right now...i really really dont...because im not real sure yet if the pros of having insurance ..will out weigh the cons of not having insurance...currently i am being seen at the free clinic..its not so bad there...i pay out of pocket for my meds..that could be a bit better..but im not sure if insurance will make that one better or worse..maybe having insurance would allow me to go back to therapy...i dont know..but right now ..its like im having to pay for a card that i am not sure i will use...well not sure that i will use it right now...it would have come in handy last year when i had surgery..and when i got sick and had to shell out over $100 for a dang inhaler .. but right now...yeah...i just dont know...sometimes i really hate the fact that i have to work...i know its just that i havent found the right job..but i really just want to call it quits in the work field or whatever..blah...just complaining
Saturday, March 29, 2014
vacation recap..and other stuff
well vacation is over..im safely back at home..and already the worries are back in my head...i was able to let them go a little bit while gone..but coming back brought them all back...
but anyway...about being away..i did miss bounce and taji a lot ..but at the same time it is nice to not have cat butt in my face all day lol..but they are both fine..taji a little bit anxious ..but i know she will be fine soon..and once she figures out that im not going anywhere else..for such a long time...
so now about vacation...i went to nias for a week, with sarah. played with noa every day..got baby hugs and kisses and smiles for a whole week. also got baby tantrums, dirty diapers ..no thinking and talking at the same time...we played cards, went to charleston, and to the movies, ate popcorn and went out to eat..saw the dolphins playing in the water at the restuarant..had ice cream and cake and actual real meals almost every day...and just hung out..i got sick a couplle times ...and that did suck..and now my whole upper body hurts...i really dont know how i was able throw up so many times in a week..cas doing it once and not on purpose has me afraid to move to much..cas my chest and all of that is sore ..bllah..
it was good getting away though..work be darned ...i needed to get away..and i guess on monday when i get yelled at i will see ..but you know what..im not stressing about it...not this time...ill just go on with my plan of loooking for a new job..life goes on..and im not the greatest fan of this agency anyway. but whatever ...
was so so embarrassed today because my body hijacked itself and i should have known better..but yeah..ended up with a huge mess and had to change clothes in the bathroom..yeah..wasnt to happy about that at all..but i think i had a lot on my mind to on the way home..just coming back to richmond is stressful..almost fell asleep driving..ugh..
the biggest decision though i think..is that i know now that i truly will end up moving closer to nia..not right now...not for a couple years or more...but being so far away is not going to work. i love noa. and i do get concerned about nia being with the baby all day by herself for the most part...i know she is a good parent but everyone needs a break now and then...i cant live with them..as my need for quiet time and alone time makes me shut down and shut ppl out..but i want to be close by...i need to be close by...but that had been a deciison that i had been playing around with for a long time..but now i know for sure...richmond was not going to be my set in stone place..and south carolina may not be my set in stone place..but now i have a direction...a plan of sorts..for the future...i kow i need to get a plan together for the present ..but having a plan for the future gives me something to look forward too...
overall i did ok at nias...i know i had some issues with anxiety..and some issues with just being around people so much..not that i dont have a good time with nia and sarah and rob and noa..i do..but my need for quiet and alone time is a major deal for me...i juts get so tired being social..i feel like i have to be happy and pleasant and all of that all the time..and i dont have to do it so much with nia and sarah but it is hard to break the habit...the need to be okay even though i am feeling edgy and down and worried ...
and spending a whole week with sarah without her aides being pains in the butt was fun..it was like we could do whatever...and there were some scrapes and hitting of walls and what not lol..but there was also a lot of laughing..and talking..and just being together...it is nice sharing a bed and i just wish i had asked to cuddle a bit more than i did...i didnt want to be a pain ... i just dont understand the need i have for comfort at times...i dont know where it comes from..but im starting to depress myself so i will move on...
scared about my doc appointment on tuesday...very very scared...gyno appointment..i want to cry already..i want to cancel it..forget about it..miss the darn thing..i may just end up drugging myself into oblivion on tuesday..blah...
my head is all over the place right now...so many thoughts..so much thinking...there is so much in my head and i know i prolly should have made time to write while i was gone..but i didnt want to write..i didnt want to think about the things bothering me...but that doesnt make them disappear...and the words become stuck in my chest..and i go back to pretending that i am fine..that i am okay..that nothing is wrong..
oh one of the bigger issues i had was the pit stop at home on the way to nias. normally i dont go the back way at all because it makes me pass places that i am afraid of...i forgot that though ..and went the back way..and passed by my old school..went down part of the old bus route ..remembering and forgetting the kids that never spoke to me and then the ones that made fun of me...i slipped through school because i was quiet and stopped speaking after a while...i am reminded that it is my fault that social services was sent to our house ... and yes..death would have been easier than facing mommies wrath at finding out it was me...and so i did what she said and lied .... lied about all of it because protecting family comes before everything ...ugh...maybe ill stop writing for a bit and just add pictures...
but anyway...about being away..i did miss bounce and taji a lot ..but at the same time it is nice to not have cat butt in my face all day lol..but they are both fine..taji a little bit anxious ..but i know she will be fine soon..and once she figures out that im not going anywhere else..for such a long time...
so now about vacation...i went to nias for a week, with sarah. played with noa every day..got baby hugs and kisses and smiles for a whole week. also got baby tantrums, dirty diapers ..no thinking and talking at the same time...we played cards, went to charleston, and to the movies, ate popcorn and went out to eat..saw the dolphins playing in the water at the restuarant..had ice cream and cake and actual real meals almost every day...and just hung out..i got sick a couplle times ...and that did suck..and now my whole upper body hurts...i really dont know how i was able throw up so many times in a week..cas doing it once and not on purpose has me afraid to move to much..cas my chest and all of that is sore ..bllah..
it was good getting away though..work be darned ...i needed to get away..and i guess on monday when i get yelled at i will see ..but you know what..im not stressing about it...not this time...ill just go on with my plan of loooking for a new job..life goes on..and im not the greatest fan of this agency anyway. but whatever ...
was so so embarrassed today because my body hijacked itself and i should have known better..but yeah..ended up with a huge mess and had to change clothes in the bathroom..yeah..wasnt to happy about that at all..but i think i had a lot on my mind to on the way home..just coming back to richmond is stressful..almost fell asleep driving..ugh..
the biggest decision though i think..is that i know now that i truly will end up moving closer to nia..not right now...not for a couple years or more...but being so far away is not going to work. i love noa. and i do get concerned about nia being with the baby all day by herself for the most part...i know she is a good parent but everyone needs a break now and then...i cant live with them..as my need for quiet time and alone time makes me shut down and shut ppl out..but i want to be close by...i need to be close by...but that had been a deciison that i had been playing around with for a long time..but now i know for sure...richmond was not going to be my set in stone place..and south carolina may not be my set in stone place..but now i have a direction...a plan of sorts..for the future...i kow i need to get a plan together for the present ..but having a plan for the future gives me something to look forward too...
overall i did ok at nias...i know i had some issues with anxiety..and some issues with just being around people so much..not that i dont have a good time with nia and sarah and rob and noa..i do..but my need for quiet and alone time is a major deal for me...i juts get so tired being social..i feel like i have to be happy and pleasant and all of that all the time..and i dont have to do it so much with nia and sarah but it is hard to break the habit...the need to be okay even though i am feeling edgy and down and worried ...
and spending a whole week with sarah without her aides being pains in the butt was fun..it was like we could do whatever...and there were some scrapes and hitting of walls and what not lol..but there was also a lot of laughing..and talking..and just being together...it is nice sharing a bed and i just wish i had asked to cuddle a bit more than i did...i didnt want to be a pain ... i just dont understand the need i have for comfort at times...i dont know where it comes from..but im starting to depress myself so i will move on...
scared about my doc appointment on tuesday...very very scared...gyno appointment..i want to cry already..i want to cancel it..forget about it..miss the darn thing..i may just end up drugging myself into oblivion on tuesday..blah...
my head is all over the place right now...so many thoughts..so much thinking...there is so much in my head and i know i prolly should have made time to write while i was gone..but i didnt want to write..i didnt want to think about the things bothering me...but that doesnt make them disappear...and the words become stuck in my chest..and i go back to pretending that i am fine..that i am okay..that nothing is wrong..
oh one of the bigger issues i had was the pit stop at home on the way to nias. normally i dont go the back way at all because it makes me pass places that i am afraid of...i forgot that though ..and went the back way..and passed by my old school..went down part of the old bus route ..remembering and forgetting the kids that never spoke to me and then the ones that made fun of me...i slipped through school because i was quiet and stopped speaking after a while...i am reminded that it is my fault that social services was sent to our house ... and yes..death would have been easier than facing mommies wrath at finding out it was me...and so i did what she said and lied .... lied about all of it because protecting family comes before everything ...ugh...maybe ill stop writing for a bit and just add pictures...
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Saturday, March 22, 2014
leaving !
ok well i am excited but right now im juts tired and overslept and all that good stuff..so yeah lol..but am completely throwing my stuff together so i can leave...and go get sarah..and then head to our first stop..essh but thankfully mommy wont be there. ill take that. but yep time to pack up the computer ..and get things moving..i have 45 mins....yeah lets see how fast i can throw things together !
Friday, March 21, 2014
on the road again ....
well finally i have made it to going to nias for a week..finally i am getting out of richmond and all of its depressingness lately..away from work and ppl needing me for things and just being able to get a break...im tired..my body is tired..my mind is tired..it comes out as being sleepy i think..but i am just so very tired .. and i dont know how to make it better..i mean yes i sleep..i sleep ALOT..im sleeping a lot again..and i guess the uncertainty about things have me feeling more down again..and worried..and my mind is full of what ifs..and im scared about things that i prolly shouldnt be afraid of...but again my self worth is called into question and its like no im not good enough..and i need to work harder..try harder..be more..be better..and that is tiring all by itsself...its as if i cant let go of the doubts..self doubt..self sabatoge..any of it..and on a good day i know im ok..nothing special but just ok..right now though..i dont know..so maybe a break and getting away is a good thing...going away from everything for a few days ...shoot i would turn my phone completely off except i may get a call from work..and well i cant completely ignore that stuff..clients i have no real intention of talking to..but office stuff i may still need to stay in touch for...but i plan to spend as much time as i can with sarah and nia and noa (seperately of course lol) i want to go to sleep..i got worn out with all the car stuff and waiting and not being able to do what i wanted too...i didnt get to clean my car completely on the inside but i did go and get the oil changed and my car looked at...im afraid that i will be putting more money than i want to into my car soon..
yeah working on focusing on the fact that i am getting out of here...im sad to leave taji and bounce..but i know i will be back..i have to come back..
yeah working on focusing on the fact that i am getting out of here...im sad to leave taji and bounce..but i know i will be back..i have to come back..
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
mood vs emotions ...
i had a conversation earlier with one of my behavioral health ppl..and we talked about moods and emotions..and i know its not therapy with her..but the desire to just talk and have someone listen for a little while is just so overwhelming at times..i talked a little bit to my supervisor this morning...and then kept right on talking when i got to my next appointment...but i keep trying to convince myself that i dont need therapy..that im fine..and i know the depression and feelings and things are getting me down right now ..and im scared and worried and i know that i things suddenly have no time frame at all..and that does make me feel super anxious and on edge..i cant stay here forever..and will have to move on at some point ... but the fears are coming back..the worry and stress and wondering about what is going to happen...but that is not what is bothering me the most right now...
so i saw the bh person today and we went for a walk and i almost busted my butt walking on ice..but i think i was more outwardly showing that i was depressed today..i couldnt seem to connect to myself at all..yes i could see, hear, and touch stuff around me ...but i made no real connections with anything ...and she was trying hard to get me to connect the things around me to myself and just notice my surroundings..and i have so much trouble with that...i spend so much time looking and disregarding what is around me that being asked to do it on purpose confuses me...i cant focus on just one thing..that is not safe..i have to be able to know and hear what is going on around me at all times..and that means i can never truly focus on one thing completely..because that leaves me open to being hurt in some way if i am not paying attention..and i try to explain that..and its like ok where do you feel safe..and i dont know where i feel safe or where i can completely let down my guard...but again im completely getting off track...
she asked me how i was doing and i said fine...she asked what was going on and we talked about some of the more current things going on..and it then became a comversation of how my mood was..because i had made some statement about how my mood controls everything...my mood..not my emotions..its my mood that i can figure out because its either good or bad...but with emotions there are to many options and again i get confused and unable to pinpoint how i am feeling. but if i just work with how my mood is then it is a little bit easier..if im in a bad/sad/depressed mood then i dont want to do anything..i want to isolate and sleep and ignore things..if im in an okay mood then maybe i have more motivation...i actually want to do things..etc..but we were talking about this and she kept mentioning that my moods control me..and that it would help if i was able to connect more with the world around me..because i need to get out of my head pretty much...but i dont know how to gauge how i am feeling or how to act or how to do anything...ugh im feeling confused..
so i saw the bh person today and we went for a walk and i almost busted my butt walking on ice..but i think i was more outwardly showing that i was depressed today..i couldnt seem to connect to myself at all..yes i could see, hear, and touch stuff around me ...but i made no real connections with anything ...and she was trying hard to get me to connect the things around me to myself and just notice my surroundings..and i have so much trouble with that...i spend so much time looking and disregarding what is around me that being asked to do it on purpose confuses me...i cant focus on just one thing..that is not safe..i have to be able to know and hear what is going on around me at all times..and that means i can never truly focus on one thing completely..because that leaves me open to being hurt in some way if i am not paying attention..and i try to explain that..and its like ok where do you feel safe..and i dont know where i feel safe or where i can completely let down my guard...but again im completely getting off track...
she asked me how i was doing and i said fine...she asked what was going on and we talked about some of the more current things going on..and it then became a comversation of how my mood was..because i had made some statement about how my mood controls everything...my mood..not my emotions..its my mood that i can figure out because its either good or bad...but with emotions there are to many options and again i get confused and unable to pinpoint how i am feeling. but if i just work with how my mood is then it is a little bit easier..if im in a bad/sad/depressed mood then i dont want to do anything..i want to isolate and sleep and ignore things..if im in an okay mood then maybe i have more motivation...i actually want to do things..etc..but we were talking about this and she kept mentioning that my moods control me..and that it would help if i was able to connect more with the world around me..because i need to get out of my head pretty much...but i dont know how to gauge how i am feeling or how to act or how to do anything...ugh im feeling confused..
overly tired
i dont know whats wrong...right now anyway..im tired...really really tired and all i want to do is go to sleep..stay sleep..lay down...im not sure what is causing it..
Monday, March 17, 2014
trying not to let this get to me
mommy calls me this morning...sometimes between 8 and 9...i was literally just waking up..and what does she say? i need you to send a letter for me .. no hi, no how are you..blah blah blah..no again i am reminded that i am only as important as the task she needs done..that she cant do herself...
good freakin morning to you too
-sigh-
good freakin morning to you too
-sigh-
Saturday, March 15, 2014
random post - things that make me happy
since this morning has been really entertaining and funny..i feel like writing this...so i will
- taji and bounce
- silly conversations on fb
-spending time with sarah (and various other activities)
-cooking
-music
-blowing bubbles
-watching spongebob
-talking to friends
- getting hugs
-bright, sparkly things
-cake lol
-coloring
-stickers
- my kindle
- my niece
- did i mention cake ?
-build a bears, build a bunny, and build a mouse :D
- rainbows, unicorns, fairies, dragons, actually prolly anything considered mythical
- finding interesting quotes
- traveling and hotel stays :D :D (cough, inside joke)
-SNOW !!!!
-cute animals/cute animal pictures
-sleep with no weird dreams
- pancakes ( yes i kinda want pancakes right now )
-purple things
-flowers
- pretty pictures/taking pictures
- helping others
-sprite
ok i think thats enough for today :)
Friday, March 14, 2014
acceptance...no...but i will deal with it
i guess the biggest news is that i will not be moving into the apartment that i have been waiting for ... for 6 months i have waited..and sarah too...we waited and called and hassled and finally we were told that the apartment place is refusing to send in the paperwork that is needed... 6 freaking months they had us waiting..im still so angry about it..im trying not to be but i am...so much had been depending on that..and now it really does feel like being back at square one..starting all over again...planning and looking and more planning..and all of it just makes me want to scream...and the lack of therapy is beginning to become more of an issue...the need to talk and talk through things is needed..and i feel like im just floating out in no mans land with no direction at all..i tell myself to be strong when i want to break..i tell myself to be supportive when i just want to cry...but by now i know the signs..and i know i am starting to slip a bit..go backwards a little bit...i want to stop caring and i cant..i know i cant .. but i just feel so tired and worn out...so back to the planning stages..trying to figure out the next steps..trying to calm down enough to think about the next steps without acting irrationally...and yes im slowly beginning to be able to think and figure things out..but at the same time it all just makes me sad..because i am still being prevented from being with the person that i want to be with..the person who helps calm me down and lets me cry..and its like how much are we expected to handle ? how many times will we be turned down for something...
have i mentioned that my head hurts ??
and yesterday i went to the doctor and found out that i have gained weight and that had me feeling so upset and depressed and just so mad at myself...in 6 months i gained about 15 pounds...it makes me feel so stupid ... so out of it..how could i let that happen...i think im just completely disgusted with myself right now...and i didnt want to talk to the doctor about it..i juts wanted to leave yesterday before i started crying...it prolly has been 6 months since ive weighed myself..and well i should have figured i was gaining weight..i really should have..but no i ignored it..and now im just i dont know..ashamed of myself ... im embarrassed and ashamed of my body..negative thoughts fill my head..and i just am not in a good frame of mind right now..with anything...
and maybe i should stop before i really do start crying...
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
no im not offended..im disappointed...and mad
ever since i was much younger i have been picked on..the way i talk..the way i dress..how i act..what music i listen to..what foods i like..all of it..sometimes by people who know nothing at all about me...how many times have i been told that i dont act black enough..that im not black..that i talk to proper..that i dont listen to the right music..i dont understand what the problem is...i didnt realize there was a set of rules on how to be black and i guess i just missed that lesson in school...i listen to music i like because i like it..not because of the race of the person singing it...i like the food i like because im a creature of habit..if its new i dont care who cooked it..i may not eat it..it has nothing to do with race...no i dont like all southern cooking, yes i pronounce my words when i am speaking, yes i dress in clothes that fit, and not like i am struggling to breathe in what i have on..yes i knew absolutely nothing about braiding hair, wigs, weave, none of it..until recently...but that is because of how i grew up..the color of my skin labels me as black..but thats all it is..its just the color of my skin...yes my mom is black..im assuming my bio parents are black..im sure my children, if i have any are going to be black..there is really no way around that..but i will not teach my children that there is a certain correct way to live and be juts because of the color of their skin...no i did not grow up in the projects. i have traveled a lot, i have been a lot of places, and i dont plan to stop just because someone else thinks i am trying to be better than them...its not about that..there is an entire world out there and im not planning on staying in one place...i refuse too..my mom may have done a lot of things but teaching me to be racist and judgmental is not one of them...that is not who i am..and never have been..yes i grew up going to dance class and was the only black girl in the class..yes i have been to a million different dance things and heard all types of music..so i like a lot of things..who cares if i like musicals or rap or pop..its all played on the radio...ive taken latin and archery because i felt like it..i watch channels other than BET because i feel like it..i dont care much for rap because there is to much cursing in it...its not that i dont listen to it..its just not a preference...im not crazy because i am black..geez
and the one thing that gets me the most ... is that it is other black people who tell me im not black enough...that i dont act black..that i dont talk like im black...it is hurtful i guess because it is a direct stab at who i am as a person...because what i like is being judged based on my race and that is not fair...
and the one thing that gets me the most ... is that it is other black people who tell me im not black enough...that i dont act black..that i dont talk like im black...it is hurtful i guess because it is a direct stab at who i am as a person...because what i like is being judged based on my race and that is not fair...
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
knock knock knock..anyone home?
i really truly need to remember that i am going to react before i am able to think things through and calm myself down...yes i am angry..so very angry that we are being given the run around..and me angry is never a good thing..but we will see what happens..because this one i will fight..the apartment place is in the wrong..and i will make sure they know it by the time everything is said and done..but for now i am working on staying calm and thinking through things...
being quite rational..i know that i may be renting this room for longer than i planned to..and no its not the end of the world...it is a stable place, i am ok here...but its just not MY place..its not my stuff..i want my freaking bed..but no it is not the end of the world and i know that i will have time if needed to find another place...im going to focus more on saving now..and planning...and not jumping the gun and freaking myself out before anything even happens..who knows next week i may have an apartment..i do know that i am not currently homeless..i am just without a home of my own...and for now that is just the way things have to be..
that being said .. i am slowly working on getting things paid back..and paid off..i have to start paying mommy back because she is beginning to let me know that she has been waiting and well now my time is up...so working her into my paychecks will be happening...i should still be able to save..but its juts frustrating because there are bills i forgot about..debts i owe and money ive borrowed that i need to work on paying back..i just am tired of having so many things hanging over my head...i hate that everything is centered on money..still everything is money ... paying for something..borrowing..paying something off..it is depressing...
i talked to kathy today and that did make me feel a lot better about things...just talking to her and being told that she has been thinking about me and misses me..and that she is proud of me..for not cutting and still working on my stuff and that the job i have been patiently waiting for is still hanging out there..when i see her..maybe next week i will get a hug from her...but i talked to her about things that have been going on and how im doing..i left the therapy issue for when we are actually together..i told her about my upcoming trips and a little bit about sarah...and she told me that as long as i was comfortable then that was all that mattered...and yes one conversation with kathy has me ready to stick myself to her side and never ever let her out of my sight..i know good and well that she wont let me do that...and will analyze the heck out of why i want to be attached to her..but she knows why..ive asked to live with her..ive asked her to be my therapist..and each time she tells me no and why .. but that doesnt stop me from asking every so often..because i still have some major mom issues..and well if i had my way kathy would have adopted me forever ago...but instead she now gives me the occasional pep talk and listens to me and asks how im doing and what im working on...we talked about forgivness a little bit..and i think i am getting better at giving myself a break with things..but i know i still have a ways to go...but i told her i missed her..i really did..
i ran a couple errands inbetween work today..had to go and get another air mattress..much to my major annoyance..and which is also why i want my freaking bed back so bad..ugh..but got that taken care of..because i dont mess around when it comes to sleep..i just cant...i will be cranky and mean and awful if im not sleeping ..and i know this..so the bed issue was one that needed to be fixed and fixed immediately...i didnt throw the other mattress away because well who knows..maybe it can be fixed..and then it can just be kept..but also picked up a couple movies at walmart today...catching fire of course..and enders game..and then frozen comes out next week and that i am waiting for every every much....
i saw the behavioral health person today..and it makes me sad a bit seeing her..because now she is the one i am talking to a little bit about the day to day stuff..and how im doing..i reminded her that im not in therapy anymore and so she told me that she will be checking in on the behavior part of things a little bit more..because now im just seeing her and courtney...but ive had so much on my mind today that i really did want someone to talk to..and ive talked to people today..but its not the same as having someones undivided attention...but i guess ill manage..but we talked about some of the changes i am making health wise..my a1c has come down a little bit..but im still planning to talk to the doc about the meds when i see her on thursday...but again my knowledge of what i need to do was commended..and being able to check in with her each week does make me feel a little bit better about things...i feel less like im just falling through the cracks knowing that ill be seeing her each week..i think my goal for the week is to check my sugar more..something like that..and tomorrow i have to go and pick up my meds...
this week is going by kinda fast..i dont know..maybe its just me and my head being on overdrive...so much thinking and planning..and i am sad that i wont be able to go see the cirque de solei show next month..but i will catch it the next time it comes through..i have a lot planned..and a lot coming up...so its sad but i know its not the end of the world...
but im getting sleepy...i still have a lot on my mind but sleep is winning out so i think ive written all that i can manage for tonight...
being quite rational..i know that i may be renting this room for longer than i planned to..and no its not the end of the world...it is a stable place, i am ok here...but its just not MY place..its not my stuff..i want my freaking bed..but no it is not the end of the world and i know that i will have time if needed to find another place...im going to focus more on saving now..and planning...and not jumping the gun and freaking myself out before anything even happens..who knows next week i may have an apartment..i do know that i am not currently homeless..i am just without a home of my own...and for now that is just the way things have to be..
that being said .. i am slowly working on getting things paid back..and paid off..i have to start paying mommy back because she is beginning to let me know that she has been waiting and well now my time is up...so working her into my paychecks will be happening...i should still be able to save..but its juts frustrating because there are bills i forgot about..debts i owe and money ive borrowed that i need to work on paying back..i just am tired of having so many things hanging over my head...i hate that everything is centered on money..still everything is money ... paying for something..borrowing..paying something off..it is depressing...
i talked to kathy today and that did make me feel a lot better about things...just talking to her and being told that she has been thinking about me and misses me..and that she is proud of me..for not cutting and still working on my stuff and that the job i have been patiently waiting for is still hanging out there..when i see her..maybe next week i will get a hug from her...but i talked to her about things that have been going on and how im doing..i left the therapy issue for when we are actually together..i told her about my upcoming trips and a little bit about sarah...and she told me that as long as i was comfortable then that was all that mattered...and yes one conversation with kathy has me ready to stick myself to her side and never ever let her out of my sight..i know good and well that she wont let me do that...and will analyze the heck out of why i want to be attached to her..but she knows why..ive asked to live with her..ive asked her to be my therapist..and each time she tells me no and why .. but that doesnt stop me from asking every so often..because i still have some major mom issues..and well if i had my way kathy would have adopted me forever ago...but instead she now gives me the occasional pep talk and listens to me and asks how im doing and what im working on...we talked about forgivness a little bit..and i think i am getting better at giving myself a break with things..but i know i still have a ways to go...but i told her i missed her..i really did..
i ran a couple errands inbetween work today..had to go and get another air mattress..much to my major annoyance..and which is also why i want my freaking bed back so bad..ugh..but got that taken care of..because i dont mess around when it comes to sleep..i just cant...i will be cranky and mean and awful if im not sleeping ..and i know this..so the bed issue was one that needed to be fixed and fixed immediately...i didnt throw the other mattress away because well who knows..maybe it can be fixed..and then it can just be kept..but also picked up a couple movies at walmart today...catching fire of course..and enders game..and then frozen comes out next week and that i am waiting for every every much....
i saw the behavioral health person today..and it makes me sad a bit seeing her..because now she is the one i am talking to a little bit about the day to day stuff..and how im doing..i reminded her that im not in therapy anymore and so she told me that she will be checking in on the behavior part of things a little bit more..because now im just seeing her and courtney...but ive had so much on my mind today that i really did want someone to talk to..and ive talked to people today..but its not the same as having someones undivided attention...but i guess ill manage..but we talked about some of the changes i am making health wise..my a1c has come down a little bit..but im still planning to talk to the doc about the meds when i see her on thursday...but again my knowledge of what i need to do was commended..and being able to check in with her each week does make me feel a little bit better about things...i feel less like im just falling through the cracks knowing that ill be seeing her each week..i think my goal for the week is to check my sugar more..something like that..and tomorrow i have to go and pick up my meds...
this week is going by kinda fast..i dont know..maybe its just me and my head being on overdrive...so much thinking and planning..and i am sad that i wont be able to go see the cirque de solei show next month..but i will catch it the next time it comes through..i have a lot planned..and a lot coming up...so its sad but i know its not the end of the world...
but im getting sleepy...i still have a lot on my mind but sleep is winning out so i think ive written all that i can manage for tonight...
......there was no other plan
shutting down. i want to shut out the world right now..im scared and worried and trying not to freak out..but already my thoughts are ahead of me..and im feeling incredibly trapped and let down...
i just keep thinking that mommy was right..and i hate that..i hate everything right now..
im angry at everything..my head hurts..my mattress is dead..and the floor is cold...
im just going to lay down and pretend i dont exist for a while ...
i really should have figured out that something wasnt going to work out..i really should have..things were going to good..almost good..i should have known better...my stupid life isnt worth anything at all..and so nothing really will work out i guess...if the apartment doesnt come through..i dont have another plan..i dont have any more ideas..i dont know what else to do..and im trying not to worry but all i can do is worry...i guess it was stupid of me to not realize sooner that something was up if they cant get an apartment to open up for like almost 5 freaking months....stupid stupid me...just stupid
i just keep thinking that mommy was right..and i hate that..i hate everything right now..
im angry at everything..my head hurts..my mattress is dead..and the floor is cold...
im just going to lay down and pretend i dont exist for a while ...
i really should have figured out that something wasnt going to work out..i really should have..things were going to good..almost good..i should have known better...my stupid life isnt worth anything at all..and so nothing really will work out i guess...if the apartment doesnt come through..i dont have another plan..i dont have any more ideas..i dont know what else to do..and im trying not to worry but all i can do is worry...i guess it was stupid of me to not realize sooner that something was up if they cant get an apartment to open up for like almost 5 freaking months....stupid stupid me...just stupid
Monday, March 10, 2014
yesterday...and well now im overthinking
so yesterday i had to go to work for a bit and even though i really didnt want to go..i did...and it ended up being a good session..sometimes i forget that im working..but yesterday was mostly shopping and what not for my clients family..and we went to sams club..and i swear my eyes were gonna fall out of my head! its been so long since ive been to sams club ..so i knew that everything is in bulk...but to see it again was so overwhelming..and my crazy need to have things went into overdrive...i wanted everything i saw and of course im teaching my client to budget and shop wisely and im about to have a heart atack because i cant get everything i want...i did uend up getting 4 things..thats it lol...because yes animal crackers and goldfish were suddenly the most important things i had ever needed to have ...yep..im completely weird like that..and completely random but i am out of spicy mustard..dang it..anyway..we went out for lunch..and then to the grocery store..i had to leave my bag in the car for that one lol..im not really supposed to be shopping for myself anyway..it was
tiring but it was fun too..if there wasnt paperwork involved..i would truly love my job..i would...
and so i got home and started to over think things..blah..with sarah..and i talked to her about it..and was able to calm down..i think i was just getting a little ahead of myself..and us and getting our relationship mixed up with others relationships..and so i think i just needed a bit of a reality check and reminder..and now im good again...there is still an issue that is on my mind ..but blah its embarrassing as heck..and so im still thinking about it vs really talking about it...its probably one of those stop trying so hard and it will be ok things..but yeah ill think it through until im utterly annoyed and frustrated..and then ask for someone to kind of state the obvious..essh..but i think last night a bit of missing therapy came up for me...i had been working extra hard to not think about all -of- that...but it was on my mind last night and it makes me sad..i mean yes im managing i guess without therapy..but there is so much stuff stuck in my head...so much stuff to still work through and i guess i just feel let down still about all of it...ive been bouncing in and out of therapy since i started college way back when..and still struggling with things..not as bad or well dangerous i guess..but struggling all the same..and it is frustrating ..because its like well if ive been in therapy for that long and still am having trouble with things..then there is something wrong with me..not the therapist..i dont know..im just feeling down about it..wondering what is wrong with me..somedays i really wish i could just escape my head..its not a nice place to be..and if i dont get a grip on my thoughts..then i know i will start wanting to go back to not so good habits...not majorly noticeable ones..but habits all the same..
two weeks...two weeks and then i can escape for a little while...i think i need to get away from richmond and life here..and the stress and worry that is here...im ready to go with sarah and see nia and noa and not worry about work or anything...im tired of worrying ..right now im just tired..and maybe it is super selfish of me for wanting to go away and be with sarah every day for like a week because that means that i will get to be close to her...i think im feeling incredibly needy and i just dont know why...i want so much comfort and i only get to see sarah on the weekend right now..and we talk on the phone..but it is the physical comfort i am wanting more ..play time is a perk..but i think it is the safety and stability that i feel when i am around her that i am wanting..and not being able to have it makes me nervous..and scared..because it makes me feel so so alone ..and i know she is there for me..and that i could go to her place almost anytime ..but well yeah..we have already talked at length about her missing bedroom door....ill be so happy when we can move..because then we will have a couch to hang out on..and well a bigger bed..although we do manage quite well on sarahs bed..and ok i really am rambling on way to much ..i just want to go back to sleepfor a little while..and taji is having one of her clingy mornings too...
tiring but it was fun too..if there wasnt paperwork involved..i would truly love my job..i would...
and so i got home and started to over think things..blah..with sarah..and i talked to her about it..and was able to calm down..i think i was just getting a little ahead of myself..and us and getting our relationship mixed up with others relationships..and so i think i just needed a bit of a reality check and reminder..and now im good again...there is still an issue that is on my mind ..but blah its embarrassing as heck..and so im still thinking about it vs really talking about it...its probably one of those stop trying so hard and it will be ok things..but yeah ill think it through until im utterly annoyed and frustrated..and then ask for someone to kind of state the obvious..essh..but i think last night a bit of missing therapy came up for me...i had been working extra hard to not think about all -of- that...but it was on my mind last night and it makes me sad..i mean yes im managing i guess without therapy..but there is so much stuff stuck in my head...so much stuff to still work through and i guess i just feel let down still about all of it...ive been bouncing in and out of therapy since i started college way back when..and still struggling with things..not as bad or well dangerous i guess..but struggling all the same..and it is frustrating ..because its like well if ive been in therapy for that long and still am having trouble with things..then there is something wrong with me..not the therapist..i dont know..im just feeling down about it..wondering what is wrong with me..somedays i really wish i could just escape my head..its not a nice place to be..and if i dont get a grip on my thoughts..then i know i will start wanting to go back to not so good habits...not majorly noticeable ones..but habits all the same..
two weeks...two weeks and then i can escape for a little while...i think i need to get away from richmond and life here..and the stress and worry that is here...im ready to go with sarah and see nia and noa and not worry about work or anything...im tired of worrying ..right now im just tired..and maybe it is super selfish of me for wanting to go away and be with sarah every day for like a week because that means that i will get to be close to her...i think im feeling incredibly needy and i just dont know why...i want so much comfort and i only get to see sarah on the weekend right now..and we talk on the phone..but it is the physical comfort i am wanting more ..play time is a perk..but i think it is the safety and stability that i feel when i am around her that i am wanting..and not being able to have it makes me nervous..and scared..because it makes me feel so so alone ..and i know she is there for me..and that i could go to her place almost anytime ..but well yeah..we have already talked at length about her missing bedroom door....ill be so happy when we can move..because then we will have a couch to hang out on..and well a bigger bed..although we do manage quite well on sarahs bed..and ok i really am rambling on way to much ..i just want to go back to sleepfor a little while..and taji is having one of her clingy mornings too...
Sunday, March 09, 2014
today i feel like writing
right now i am feeling pretty ok...almost in a good mood. im calm and able to think clearly and not feeling overwhelemed at all..im looking forward to things coming up and making plans and changes for the things that need to come up..the only thing missing is being able to live with sarah. there really are no words to describe this weekend with her. it was special. i miss just being able to lay down next to her and know that i am safe and cared for..i really miss that...the play time is just a very very fun extra benefit...but i am getting bolder i think..doing more..wanting to do more...i still get a little scared...but i think im beginning to get past that too...has it really been 5 months?! so much has happened..so much has changed..and the one steady thing is sarah..im trying not to be clingly but i think i am....sex stuff aside..i just want to be near her..around her..able to see and touch her if i wanted too..darn lack of a door doesnt even stop things now heh...like i said..special weekend...and there are so many different things to look forward too now...trips and planning and going place and going out and doing things...im almost social with sarah and im ok with that..i actually like going out places with her..she makes me laugh..and yes i tease the heck out of her at times..but it is the quiet times i crave the most i think...and i think thats what i wanted a lot of this weekend..and i did get it..but it makes me want it even more...sometimes i feel like such an inexperienced kid..wanting comfort and feeling as if i am just being a pain and asking for to much.or not asking enough..i cant seem to find the happy medium...im getting myself nervous ...thinking that im becoming to needy since im not in therapy anymore and i dont really have that outlet anymore...i know im being more quiet about things...i mean on one hand things are ok..manageable even...still a lot of down days but i know i can talk to sarah and a few other friends if i really was having a hard time...i can talk to nia too...im so so looking forward to getting out of here with sarah, at the end of the month..i really am..just to get away from things for a little bit...to just hang out with nia and noa and sarah..and even rob..gosh im really really hoping that the apartment opens up soon...im trying to be patient..and well i guess i am patient..and being patient..and trying to understand that there is actually going to be an apartment..but sometimes i juts feel like screaming at the apartment place...
suddenly there is so much more that i want out of life ... and i know there is still a ways to go before i am more stable in all areas...but i know it will happen..and im happy that things are going at there own pace with sarah...i feel bad that i cant do more for sarah with what she really wants...and im not afraid of commitment ..but i am afraid of marriage .and that is more of just a fear thing..because as much as i deny it and say its gross..i would have a baby...i really would..and i know that it will be a long process and even longer if i ddont get some control over my body you know...get healthier..get my health stuff under control..get off of some/most of the meds...stop the overmedicating..yes i know there are still a lot of things i will be working on..and the surprising thing..the really completely and utterly surprising thing..is that sarah accepts me as i am..flaws, scars, craziness, sadness, all of it..she is the only person i let touch me and instead of being afraid i want more...crud i tell her at least once a week that im going to walk around her apartment naked..and much to my horror she says ok! and then its like dang .. she wouldnt mind in the slightest if i was wandering around naked..but yeah.let me stop before my mind finds the gutter again...
you know the other day..i was super proud of sarah..i am super proud of her...something that was bothering her..and causing her a lot of stress and lost sleep ended up being something that she faced head on...it was a super big step for her...and i am pleased, happy, excited eveen that at the end of all of it..there is me..and that does make me happy. it really does.
suddenly there is so much more that i want out of life ... and i know there is still a ways to go before i am more stable in all areas...but i know it will happen..and im happy that things are going at there own pace with sarah...i feel bad that i cant do more for sarah with what she really wants...and im not afraid of commitment ..but i am afraid of marriage .and that is more of just a fear thing..because as much as i deny it and say its gross..i would have a baby...i really would..and i know that it will be a long process and even longer if i ddont get some control over my body you know...get healthier..get my health stuff under control..get off of some/most of the meds...stop the overmedicating..yes i know there are still a lot of things i will be working on..and the surprising thing..the really completely and utterly surprising thing..is that sarah accepts me as i am..flaws, scars, craziness, sadness, all of it..she is the only person i let touch me and instead of being afraid i want more...crud i tell her at least once a week that im going to walk around her apartment naked..and much to my horror she says ok! and then its like dang .. she wouldnt mind in the slightest if i was wandering around naked..but yeah.let me stop before my mind finds the gutter again...
you know the other day..i was super proud of sarah..i am super proud of her...something that was bothering her..and causing her a lot of stress and lost sleep ended up being something that she faced head on...it was a super big step for her...and i am pleased, happy, excited eveen that at the end of all of it..there is me..and that does make me happy. it really does.
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
Ash Wednesday...
Im not very religious at all..and for the life of me i was unable to remember the meaning of why i kept seeing things about ash wednesday on facebook...i really am a bit slow at times...but ive figured it out now after reading someone elses blog..duh me...but pretty much ash wed is the start of lent..again something that holds no meaning whats so ever for me..but i always spend a bit of time wondering what i would give up..wondering if i could go an actual 40 days without something that i absouletely use/need/want on a daily basis..that and i have no real idea what i would give up...ha i could give up sex but that would last all of like a couple days...but really what is the point behind having to give something up? i dont think i understand it enough to do it..or do it correctly..out of the blue im gonna just randomly pick one thing to give up...hmm i may die in the process because i of course would go overboard majorly..so i dont know...not really...im not even sure what the point is for this post really...i think my head has just been on over drive lately..annnnnd i wont get into what it is that will help me calm my nerves...ugh..im ready for the weekend and i have like done nothing remotely interesting this week! essh
Sunday, March 02, 2014
alone
some days i juts dont know how to fight the depression..and the sad thoughts when out...all day ive focused more on the negative stuff...im keeping to myself..im lonely and alone and i hate it..but i need it..for some reason...punishment maybe..i dont know..im juts feeling quiet and tired and sick...always feeling sick these days and i dont know why..i actually needed to use my inhaler this morning the wheezing was so bad..
i dont know what to do..that ability to go to therapy has been taken from me..and im left with my thoughts and my feelings and emotions ..and something about sunday/sunday night just screws with my head..and i really wish i knew why...
just hating myself and everything about me today..well right now...bad choicess..bad life..bad everything and its all my fault for screwing it all up..i do deserve to be punished...so i guess isolation it is..for lack of anything else to do....but isolation is just as bad because then i cant stop the thoughts..they feel my head and take over and its so hard to explain why it is that i just dont know how to describe it to anyone at all ... im juts feeling down..and i have been more isolated this weekend...sitting in the hospital is not the most stimulating thing ever..i just dont know how to fix what is wrong..i cant describe what is wrong..im juts all messed up and worthless and stupid ...and i guess i just should get used to the way things are ...
the needs are way up right now..the need for comfort..the need for safety, for peace, just anything to calm the fears that are plaguing my mind tonight...but i am alone and i still cant do it for myself..i dont know how..i dont want it from me..i want it from sarah and kathy and the other heather...the safe ppl..who give me hugs when im sad..well kathy analyzes why im sad before she gives me hugs..but its been a good while since ive talked to her..maybe i can call her soon..and talk a little bit...but im afraid too...afraid to tell her what happened with therapy..afraid to be told that im to much trouble..afraid of being let down, pushed away..left alone..i dont want to be alone..but i am alone...there is a lock on my throat ... no speaking..no trouble..no nothing..if im quiet enough no one will even remember im here..no one will remember im alive...and no one will notice when im gone.
Saturday, March 01, 2014
March 1st - Self Injury Awareness Day (2014)
I waited today before writing this because I did not know what I wanted to say. I still do not know what I really want to say. Do I want to offer hope? caring? understanding? or just to let you know I will be there to listen whenever you need it.
I dont plan on writing a long and drawn out note on my struggles, because the struggles will always be there. Instead I will write that I have managed to not hurt myself for one year, 2 months, 1 week, and 6 days since the last time I cut. I have had the tools to use since January 1st of this year and still they are sitting in the bag that I left them in. A reminder that I can stay in control, that I can manage and maintain without the pain. The urges still come, the difficulities in life, the desire to give up and give in, they all come. What has changed is how I handle and deal with the triggers, stress, heartache and pain. I actually use the coping skills I have learned, even if I may say that I dont know what to do or feel as if I am doing anything right. I wonder what the point is in all of it, and why do I bother to try when it would be so easy to just pick up a razor and get the relief/numbness that I crave. That is the point though, I could pick up the razor and use it, but when all is said and done, the same issues are still there, nothing about it has changed. They still have to be dealt with, the scars dont make it any easier. They are what they are, and for a long time it was what I wanted. The consequences were not important, the fact that the scars will not fade was not important. Now half of my life is gone and the scars show that there was a struggle but that I am still alive. Now I can say that I used to cut. Now I can say that it is in the past. Something that helped before and is not needed any longer. Wanted yes, but not needed. I will not add any more scars to my body, there are enough there already. I am learning to deal with life and all that it has to throw at me, and yes currently I feel as if life is throwning evvery dang thing possible at me and then some. ugh. Yet, I am still here, without any new scars, without any new shame or guilt or fear relating to self harm. The thoughts are still coming, but now at least I feel as if I can manage and live with the thoughts and live with myself as I am, scars and all.
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