just thinking...

im trying to not let what happened destroy me..im trying not to be so negative and mean to myself and all of that..i want to though..i want to tear myself  apart..but instead i am laying down and trying to write instead...trying to tell myself that it has happened and that focusing on it isnt going to change it...i keep drifting back in to the thoughts that this is pay back for things ive done..that well i took things from other ppl and so this is karma..and so it is my fault..the negative thoughts are so easy...and almost comfortable...i can sink into the negativity and just stay there...got very close to cutting last night but again instead i juts took meds..cried..and laid down...i am feeling as if i will keep to myself though...its like see trying to be social and friendly and this is what happens...so many what ifs...so many ways things could have been different..and i was so angry yesterday..but today im just sad..and trying to plan for the lack of money..i want to cry again but im trying not to...my morning person cancelled on me so i am just laying back down for now...getting really painful cramps today..and its making me feel nauseous .... maybe ill just stay in bed today...i dont know...

Angry, Hurt, Stupid

somehow i managed to lose $300 ..and i say lose because it wouldnt be nice to accuse anyone of taking it...and i dont know where its at and i fucking needed that to pay something today and now i look incredibly stupid because i met up with her and suddenly its like um i dont have the money.. i had the money ..i have the bank reciept to show i took it out of the bank..i didnt have anyone else in my car..i stopped to get something to eat and then came home..and somehow between coming home and going back out..my money is missing and i am angry..i had juts enough to pay bills..i did..and now im trying to figure out how to come up with the missing money..and i just feel so so so stupid.. so hurt ...so angry that i worked so hard to get back on stable groudn and im still not there yet..i want to cry...but im not going to cry anymore..i looked in my car..i looked in my bag..i looked in the trash..i looked in my room ... all of these places more than once..and i cant find it..i may do a lot of things but i dont lose money...i just dont...all of my cards are in my wallet..all of my change...nothing was really disturbed..but all of the $20 are out of my bag...somehow...the 10 and 5 are still there..if my bag had fallen over or something then everything would have been all over the place..but everything was in my bag..except for the 300..and what do i do now?? ill just spend the weekend working or something i guess..to make up the extra money that is missing...right now i juts want to take meds and go to sleep...

and today had been such a good day..and now this...now im back in my depressed leave me alone hole..and i dont want any company...i want to be left alone....and ill go back to just keeping to myself...

yesterday

you know..yesterday someone asked me if I used to cut...for half second I thought about all the reasons to deny it...but instead a simple yes and a comment about my year and two months without doing it..and the conversation was over...it was interesting..looking back at it now...not sure I could have done it a year ago..

it is still so hard to believe that with everything that has gone on..and with still having the tools and everything..and wanting it so so much..well wanting the relief...and still have refrained from it...

major dislike

i was going to say i hated my body currently  but thats not true...i dont hate it..im just disappointed that im feeling sick and hurting and am not sure what is going on ..so currently i have a major dislike of my body...


and now im going bacck to sleep

plans for today...

you know..i woke up this morning and am in a decent mood..im actually planning my day...im actually wanting to get out of the house and do something...its a weird feeling ... and i guess it should be a good thing..but really it kinda makes me feel a bit nervous...

but my plan is to go out to breakfast..cas i got a little extra money yesterday..and im trying not to eat all the candy out of the package lol...restraint ..un huh.. and then go run errands...do laundry...go to the office..and the see a client..and then hopefully it will be early enough to come home and cook...i need to cook more...and i also realized that i am a complete dork in that there is a laundromat on the corner where sarah lives and i can so get my laundry done lol..without having to make a special trip!  im so thoughtless at times..but i know now and will remember..and so maybe saturday i will take a bit of time and get laundry done...im not sure about dropping it off and letting someone else do it...so just a plan...since i get anxious and what not when i have to do certain things..ugh..

sadly though i have to pick which trip i want to do with sarah..like the big trip ...cant do both...but i guess i knew that and was just kinda trying not to think about it...i really dont know which one i want to actually do more...ive never been to seattle..but that is more focused on the conference..and the cruise is just purely vacation..but its not as if we cant do trips other times..and we do have the smaller things also planned..like nia's in march and july..and virgnia beach for a weekend, and umm oh the show in april..and of course in the middle of ALL of that is the whole moving task...so it will be busy..but with time inbetween...im not sure though..for the 'big' trip.which i want more..and if i could get my mind out of the gutter long enough .. that might help!

but today will also consist of doing paperwork on the new online system..and that is going to take forever..ugh...i want to get started though...cas it may take longer ...but who knows..maybe it will be easier for me...doing it online..but the sucky part is that only half of mine are online right now..and the other half i still have to email in...and i have to get the dang goals written in...blah but it will be a long day..

im realizing that i need to keep myself busy today..the nagging no therapy thoughts still take over on tuesdays..and its a bit hard getting through the day..especially when there is so much going on in my head and i want to just go and talk and i cant...i think next week ill go ahead and make an appointment to start up with the bh ppl again...i want another week to kinda get back into the swing of things...im slowly starting to feel less afraid ..and more comfortable here..its not home..but i am ok here. i juts wish the other apartment place would get it together...its been a long wait...but ill just keep calling and bugging them..until i get an answer...

but time to get up and kinda get ready for the day...i need to drag myself to the shower and all that fun stuff...stupid body issues going on...and i think i may end up with a new scale soon...im a bit more active these days and if i can juts eat my eating a bit more under control it would be so much better..and healthier..and yes im actually craving salad..i know weird...im also craving chicken wings lol..but well i just know i need to go to krogers and see if there are any made...they change the food options each day..and so sometimes there wings arent there..and yes..sadly enough i go to kroger mainly for there chicken wings lol... no out of control stuff...i have to keep telling myself that..no getting out of hand with it...

ok i think ive rambled on enough for today..

current addiction is strawberry poptarts...yeah

im bored ..so prolly need to write a bit

im bored.i dont know if i have anything interesting to say beyond that..im bored..tired..lonely..trying to plan but losing interest in stuff juts as fast..ugh..you know what sucks so very much?  its that i no longer can tell if i am depressed or if i am just being a lazy slob...i hate being called lazy..and i am happy at times arent i? sometimes i really dont know ..and maybe im just isolating a lot right now because of still trying to get used to living with other people and there are MORE ppl here..and its like the hosue is full of ppl and yet i only see one or two on a regular basis..it is incredibly weird...but its ok...i feel better knowiing that i have a place to go...a place that i dont have to be worried about packing up and leaving..i want the apartment and ive been calling but getting no response and it is frustrating...i want my stuff..maybe im just being selfish i guess..

sidenote...ive been going to the bathroom a lot lately..which has me a bit worried about what in the world my sugar is doing ..and if its high or not...that frustrates me too...im thinking ill rejoin weight watchers..now im having to go up and down the stairs all day i am getting more active a little bit..but i know thats not enough..and i know that i have to go slow or i will give up fast...i got fruit at the store yesterday..along with donuts and kit kats...ok so i was having a really bad sugar craving yesterday...which is almost over with right now..but i dont know ...

im struggling more today with writing..i cant seem to get my thoughts together to well..and i think im beginning to feel the more hopeless feelings again...just about general things ... not being able to talk about what is going on..gosh its only been a month?? maybe a little bit more..but i know how things ended is still bothering me...im more worried about being a baby or whining or complaining..and i try not to..i dont want to make anyone mad at me..and so i guess i am just kind of forgetting what it is that i need to say...everything is being pushed back inside and stored away...and i guess its just sort of creeping over me..i juts dont know what to say anymore..to anyone..and im just laying here..dying to talk but afraid..making myself forget ..telling myself that i dont need to say anything..that im managing on my own..i mean im not cutting..isnt that enough ?! i almost want to say i would rather i was cutting because then at least i wouldnt forget im alive...maybe that is it..im juts feeling more lost and alone and i dont know to reach out anymore..that support is gone and i feel as if i am just left to my own defenses..that i have to figure out how to cope..to live..and i dont know how and its not fair ... at least when things were so messed up i had something to focus my stresss and worry on..and now there is nothing specific to focus my stress on..and so all of the little stuff is crowding in..and i dont know what to do..or how to make it better..and i dont want to be by myself but i cant bother sarah a million times a day juts because i cant deal with myself..the constant need for comfort and affection scares me..it overwhelms me and then i refuse to ask for it as a punishment...guess i still do have the cause and effect thoughts and well i end up with the short end of the stick...there is no balance..i want it all and that makes me selfish...and all i end up doing is draining ppl until they  push me away..get tired of me...im a leech..i drain the energy from ppl, i drain my needs from people but i dont do it directly and that makes it worse..and i try not too...i really try not to and so i stay quiet and just stay away from everyone....maybe that is some of why i have been wanting to sleep so much more lately..i dont remember when i got my meds back..i dont remember how long ive been back on them or if they are completely in my system...med doc already told me that she will not increase the anxiety med..and i even asked her to give me the xanax that i gave to her..because i wasnt supposed to have them...i still have a couple though because i found the rest of them when i was in the middle of moving ..im saving them..no..i may take one tonight with the rest of my night meds...there is not enough of them to kill myself ... that would be a waste of time..i just want to feel something..anything...so badly....im closing off..and i can feel it happening..and it makes me want to give up completely...im tired of reflecting on life..im tired of trying to figure out whats wrong with me..im tired of not feeling good..im tired of not being able to control how i am feeling and how easily it turns into crying lately..i want to numb out ..but im already numb..damnit

cant figure out what to say

the past few days have been hard...tiring..or maybe it was just yesterday that was hard and im letting it overshadow the entire week..i have no idea..im just tired..and frustrated and so easily irritated right now...i dont know..i want to strangle anyone who comes near me..and i just want to lie down and sleep...if i truly didnt need the money i would seriously quit my job..i dont like it there...i really really dont..maybe this weekend ill check out some job info..again i know now is probably not the best time to be looking at changing jobs..but im not happy..im tired of doing the inhome part of things with adults...i want to work with children again..
yeah..guess i better stop feeling sorry for myself and get to work

Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths. - Walt Disney

i know i am safe...

i moved out of the hotel today.  a step that filled me with fear and worry..and mommy certainly didnt help with that any...she had my paranoia going crazy..but i moved..i am in a safe place..and still i am scared a bit and nervous..its a new place..its new people..and im just afraid..trying not to take to many of the meds..cas i want to sleep and just calm down a bit ..but its hard...i like the room i do..i have my own little space again..i can cook..i bought a cute little bedspread...purple overload...when i get up to take meds.ill grad whiskers...she is along for the ride...

bounce is settling in well...taji is afraid too..but she is finally sitting in front of the window a little bit..

i think that with time ..they will both adjust..

i have stable internet again...i can watch netflix. 

just a little bit on edge i guess...

randomness of the day

snow days are boring

im bored

meds are weird

im surprised im not dancing in circles, naked right about now *snort*

im sleepy

im not sleepy

im annoyed

im not annoyed

did i mention being bored ?

im ready to get out of the hotel

i want to play in the snow and i cant

i want to uh play. yeah

i need new virus protection on my dang computer

prochoice/prolife...

This is one of those topics where I thought I was rock solid on where I stand with it.  As I am watching someone who I consider a friend go through this decision making process. I am afraid for her.  I will support whatever decision she makes, I will.  I will not judge or anything like that because that is not fair or right.  She told me and asked if I would go with her.  I told her to make sure she was positive about her decision. I told her again that I would adopt the baby.  I did not tell her not to have an abortion.  I didnt tell her its wrong or that she will go to hell or nothing like that because I realize if someone told me that I would immediately become defensive and feel judged.  She told me of her own free will and asked for support, and that is what I will give her...

I fully understand that the choice is hers to make, I have been thinking about it and realize that I am feeling conflicted on the issue, and I do not want to make her uncomfortable or push my thoughts onto her. That would not be fair at all. I want to be supportive, because I love the children she has. I have already told her repeatedly that if she had the baby, I would be willing to adopt the child. This was also an issue with her previous pregnancy.

Is it wrong that I want her to have the baby? Does it make me selfish that I want to adopt the child?

This is all speculation, as she has not had the pregnancy confirmed at this time.

What do I think?  What is it that is bothering so to the point of feeling anxious and nervous? 

dazed

the unfair part of stopping and restarting the head meds is that the side effects come back..im so tired today..slightly sick to my stomach..but tired..i just want to sleep and ive spent most of the day already sleeping..but i feel as if i could go right back to sleep...but im not tense lol..sometimes i just have to remind myself of the little things ..or else i just end up overwhelmed...

you know i was thinking about it the other day..about cutting and what not..and actually got mad...told myself that i wouldnt give my ex-therapist the benefit of upsetting me enough to lead to cutting...no..i havent cut at all..and for now im not really feeling the urge as much...but for the first time i think i really was feeling very upset about it..

i have fully decided to do the room...nervous and scared and needed a few days to get used to the idea..i got scared..i was scared of leaving the hotel ..and was nervous...so a few days to kind of calm myself down was needed...is needed...but finally got my meds ..and called the other apartment place and left another message. 

did get to talk to curvon and his mom last night. . hopefully will be able to see them on sunday.

i miss them. i miss sarah and the weather is just not working in my favor right now ..ugh...but am safe and sound...hopefully ill be feeling better soon..

i think im just going to let the therapy stuff go..there is to much other stuff to worry about...guess ill manage some how...as usual.

i cant breathe..which is only making me feel more upset and panicked ...i didnt mean to start crying..i really didnt .. i didnt mean to complain..i just want to be quiet..somehow get through the days..and just deal with whatever it is that i need to deal with..first in a long line of obstacles is getting through the appointment with the med doc tomorrow..no crying..no breaking down..no nothing at all ..wont help anything anyway..i just want the stupid meds so i can sleep ..cant keep bbreaking down...ive already been told i complain to much..so i wont complain..i juts wont say anything so that its not taken the wrong way...wont be able to talk on the phone for a while i guess..till i manage to calm down anyway..i have a couple hours before work..so maybe ill be able to calm myself down and make it there on time.

do i get to scream yet ?

its much harder this time around..keeping things to myself..so much going on and i think i jut want to cry..ive spent most of the day going back and forth between feeling really upset..and then really down about things..but i dont want to saay anything for fear ill end up getting a lecture on being ungrateful or complaining or something.. i dont know..but can feel the anger and lack of speaking building up..found out today that i wont be able to get my meds filled without seeing the med doc..which normally isnt a problem at all..but the thing is seeing her means i will be right back to where t is and i was trying to avoid being anywhere near there..and now i have to go..because i need the refill ..and i dont want to see her.. dont think i can make it through the appointment in silence..dont want to cry either..the need to just lie and convince her im fine seems like the best idea ..but im not even sure i can pull that off..when did i get to be so pathetic and cant even manage to convince my doc that im ok ?!! used to be a dang pro...and now i cant even get through juts thinking about it without feeling as if im going to cry..i dont want to talk about whats going on..whats going wrong..none of it..i dont want to be told to suck it up and deal anymore..i really dont..im tired and angry and not dealing with anything really..feel like the inevitable is just waiting to happen and i will be sucked down into the emptiness without a way to get out...once again its all just a waiting game..and im stuck being the stupid piece that keeps getting pushed around and stepped on..

dont know anymore why i even bother to write

sorry for being so pathetic

at a loss

i feel like i am stuck once again... i really dont know what mommy wants from me..i dont ... first she pushes about getting another apartment..then she pushes about finding yet another apartment when the first apartment begins taking to long..pushes for moving somewhere else..check into hotels..look into a room..keep calling about the apartment..every day..every freaking day it is the same thing..do this..do that..and the today..after ive already gotten a couple places set up to look at..and shes like..oh now i dont think the room is a good idea...i want to scream...my head hurts..and im just tired and annoyed with looking ... i want stability so very badly and right now its like the more i want it..the more i seem to just not have it..and that makes me sad..depressed..im just not able to feel settled right now and that does upset me..logically i cant afford to stay in the hotel..i really truly cant..but the more i try to do the more it seems like nothing im doing is working or is good enough.i dont know what else to tell her..i dont know what else im supposed to be looking for...or what other options i have...i just dont..and thinking about it makes me feel even sadder because these would be the questions i would take to therapy...but im not in therapy anymore..so i guess the questions will stay in my head..the wondering and doubting and all of it..no point in even mentioning it anymore...i just feel out of place..out of hope...running out of steam i guess in a way..

am feeling rather crummy today...head hurts.and i keep thinking i need to call in my meds..but my head hurts so much  i keep forgetting in the same moment...i think im a bit frustrated with everything..and i know i need to get my meds..i do..my head keeps hurting ..and the tense feelings are sticking around..well they have come back..i just want to lay down and sleep ... thats all i want...but i cant sleep..and i dont know why..

i dont know what to say

...i want to write but the words are trapped in my head...in my throat...in my body and i cant get them out..i cant process all that happened yesterday..i keep going over it ..trying to figure out what happened...what went wrong..what i did wrong..but i dont know...so i will stop talking i guess..unless i have to..i dont want to talk about my problems anymore..i dont havae any i guess..i can be happy and not care..but most likely ill just be silent and withdrawn...i want to hide from the world ..and i cant..and that upsets me even more...

i havent gotten to the point of where i am wondering about cutting in a serious way...i know i have the blades..and for now that is enough i guess...

but as im coming off of my meds..yeah..i guess ill just have to see how things go...i know i wont be feeling good..so really why bother at all

negativity

 

i had a whole list of things i wanted to say...about myself and how i am f eeling about myself ...  instead i dont want to say anything anymore...i know im eating to much junk food..i do..i know im prolly gaining weight which is not a good idea..and does nothing for the self esteem issues..so no im not going to focus on body negativity right now..just wanted to get some of the thoughts out...you know..all the your wothless and stupid and screw up and i hate you ..i hate me..i hate everything at myself currently..i am just in a hateful mood and it is directed all at me...

pride and shame

pride and shame....two things that will most likely lead to my demise..how ever quick and timely that will be is still up for debate...

so today i guess i found out where i stand with things..and no i dont have the money i need to live right now..yes im going to run out of meds..and food and everything else...but i have to get the money to pay for the hotel and there wont be anything left over..so it will be food or meds...and i know ill be sick and crabby and cranky and mean without the meds..but i dont have the extra money..i dont want to not feel good but i dont have a choice right now..gotta have a place to stay..and gas...and after using the extra money i didnt have today on tires for my car..i really could just cry..or scream in frustration...i caved and asked mommy for some money...which will juts add to the stress with her...and all ive done today is worry and think and plan and feel like a failure and get overwhelmed...and at the same time the need to hide the struggling..and to get through it without anyone asking questions .. because i am ashamed of where i am currently at in life...i dont want to ask for help...i dont want ppl to feel as if they have to give me anything..and so i would go with nothing before caving and asking for help...roxanne took the decision out of my heads a few weeks ago..but i havent had a chance to talk to her in a while so i dont know what i would even be able to tell her...

im out of resources..im out of time..im feeling as if i am out of everything right now and im so very down ...maybe ill ask my med doc to increase the klonopin that i cant afford for a while..im so stressed and tense and scared and worried..and still im to prideful to ask for help...i cant ask nia again..i still owe her and rob from like 4 months ago..so i only had money..and begging her for help is gonna come back and kick me in the ass..but mommy is dead set on no one knowing my situation ... just her and nia know...henry and wayne dont...no one else in the family knows just how much of a failure i am..how much ive screwed up things...

im trying to go day by day..but i cant let go of the worry..and im deathly afraid that i will see t tomorrow and tell her about what is going on and end up crying..much to my shame..for a while today i was thinking about cutting ... i have the blades..now all i need to do i find the will and motivation to do it..hows that for mixed up...

this is a battle that i really dont want to deal with anymore..im tired..im tired of holding it together..im tired of being expected to deal with all of it and not be upset or cry or anything per instructions from mommy...and so it is a way of shutting down and shutting off and shutting everyone out...i dont want to lie..but telling the truth leads to pity..and i dont want anyones pity..ill manage .. somehow..i guess...

since the apartment is taking longer than planned..i may end up looking into finding a room somewhere..but i looked online and i swear that looking online just makes it seem like im getting farther and farther away from sarah..and that has me feeling really down..i dont know if ill be able to find a place..well a room that will allow both the cats...have i mentioned feeling like an epic failure with everything right now ...

when do i get to give up and call it quits ... ?

flat out whine...

i hate being sick ..i really do
i hate being forced to take care of myself..and since im not even sure what is wrong im hoping that today and laying around and maybe finding some type of med to take will help..i dont know..head is killing me..and i keep getting nose bleeds again...stupid weather..stupid body..i just feel like crap and i want to lay down and go back to sleep..i didnt sleep to good last night..kept waking up...

taji came out of hiding a little bit last night though and this morning ...she will be happier when we are back to a more stable place...bounce is adjusting though...

already starting to worry about money and im trying not to worry..i really am..but the worry and stress is back all the same..

yeah..i think iim gonna just sleep today.

but i did have a good time yesterday seeing sarah.  somehow i always end up relaxed..we started watching orange is the new black on netflix..well its new to me..but sarah has seen it..so we are watching it again for my benefit lol..but its a funny show..lots of umm boobs hanging out...but worth watching more ..

now im back at the hotel and am lonely but gonna try to lay down and not stress today...

so donuts and cartoons it is.  joy