i just want to go home

my mind is all over the place this morning and im finally giving in and writing ...i cant think clearly and its making the depression worse...am i doing the right thing..will i be able to manage...what in the hell is going to happen to me?? i just want to sit and cry and just i dont know go away.  im trying my hardest to be strong but i am afraid..im scared and lonely..and being in the hotel alone makes me feel awful...yes i have tv and internet..but i dont feel safe here..i have the door locked and i know no one can get in ..but its bigger than that..its really important for me to feel safe and at a hotel..alone..i juts dont..and i have no choice right now..so i wont complain anymore to anyone..ill keep my thoughts to myself..but it feels as if everything inside of me is breaking ..and there is no way for me to put any of it back together..im afraid to leave the hotel..im afraid to stay..i worry that taji is not doing well..and i just dont know what to do anymore...

i know i need to go back the the apartment and clean up and what not...but im afraid again of leaving the cats for to long by themselves..i know they will be ok ..but the fear is still there...im afraid that someone will open the door and they will get out ..and i wont be able to find them...i dont want to lock them in the room..but that would mean i have to stay in the room until housekeeping comes by..i guess..i dont know..to make sure no one will open the door after wards..and its not as if i need housekeeping anyway really...

i think my fears are juts getting to that overwhelming point..and im just struggling to maintain...and i only have nia and sarah to talk to really...mommy said no one else should know..that would be bad..who would i tell anyway??? but again ..my failure is a secret..my inability to care for myself is a secret...and in the process of moving things..i did find and bring my razors with me...

im not feeling good these days..coughing..and tired..and sad...always sad ..

 i keep thinking about wanting to go home...thats all i want..but then i have to remind myself that i no longer have a home...that im juts out here in the world and there really isnt any help for anything...

i just suck and i know it..and i need to get better at hiding it...

the office person told me yesterday in an email that she is worried about me..and i didnt know how to respond so i havent...i dont have the energy to tell her that ill be ok because i dont know...im living day to day..and i dont know anything beyond that...

as much as i need stability right now..the only stable thing i have is sarah..and now im even farther away from her.. no nothing is stable..im not ok..im not anything ...i just want to sleep the days away and not worry about anything at all...its to much...all i do these days is worry and stress and im tired...i really am..

i want to just give up ...

im tired and frustrated and dont feeling good and rushed, panicked, stressed, worried...so many things..i want to sit down and cry but i need to pack..i need to finish packing and cleaning and all of it...im struggling to get it done..having a hard time managing right now...so much to do and im feeling completely alone and trapped in my apartment ..

im frustrated with my job and that i cant get my pay...why in the hell did they give me a money order..wtf...and now im at the mercy of the post office to get it cashed..and keep being told that the money isnt there..what am i supposed to do??? i need money if im going to get through the next few days ..and instead im stuck with something that i cant do anything with..

yeah i jutsw want to cry..i want to curl up and go to sleep and i cant even do that because i have thrown away all of my blankets...not gonna get into why but i did...so im sitting on my mattress surrounded by my stuff that i can no longer stand the sight of..and i want to scream ...

Today....Today I honor the ones who did not make it.

Every day a child is killed by someone they know, someone who is supposed to love and care for them...Everyday children are sold, tortured, abused, neglected...

I made it out a live...broken..sad...lost in a world that i dont understand but i am alive...


Since it has been on my mind the past couple days ... i just felt the need to say that for all the children who did not have a chance to grow up, did not have a chance to feel love or be loved in a kind and caring way..Your lives were not in vain. Each of you have a story, each of you had a place in the world, no matter how short it was..

You are remembered in the hearts and minds of those who have survived ..

since im avoiding i may as well reflect..

in two days..it will technically be our two month anniversary...wow..writing it, thinking it, saying it...completely blows my mind...i feel happy thinking about it..at peace sorta...because i know now that our friendship and relationship is really strong..and that we are communicating..even if it does end up causing hurt and anger ... things can be put back right...and well that is one truth that i dont think i will ever forget...nor the fact that i was forgiven...so im going to focus on the good parts..the support, the comfort, the fun, and laughs, and kisses, and other fun things that im not so much scared of anymore...i keep thinking that valentines day is coming up and for the first time in my whole life, i have someone to spend it with...no idea what to do..but juts the fact that i have someone to spend it with is enough..and makes me smile...it calms me to know that sarah loves me as i am..as i love her.

how far would you go...to protect your secrets...

i do believe i have triggered myself ..not on purpose..but all the same the depression is crippling tonight...the anxiety is making me anxious...and the sadness overwhelms me...

you know reading books about abused kids is something i have done for as long as i remember..sometimes i find them intentionally..and sometimes i find them accidentally...but i read them all the same...and the reactions as always different..there is always something that jumps out..that clings to me..and i want an answer to it...

tonight the question is..how far are you willing to go to keep your secrets..and i say secrets..but its more than that...its guilt, shame, fear, hate..all of it..

i know how far i would have gone...i planned to die with my secrets..never letting anyone at all know my shame...or letting anyone see my shame or admit to anything being wrong..it was more important to just blend in..to disappear..i was more than willing to die to keep them..i was probably well on my way to death without revealing anything because it was to much..the shame was overwhelming..the need to punish and hurt myself ruled my mind..i wasnt allowed to tell..i wasnt allowed to speak..i dont know if those were my rules or someone elses..but they were rules all the same..and breaking the rules called for punishment..failing meant punishment..either from me or from mommy while i was younger..but gradually i got older and so the punishments changed...and the punishments came from me..from inisde of me..i didnt need any help helping myself down..i knew what to say..i knew what to do..i knew it all..and never once had any intention of revealing any of it..

who would care? who would notice?  why did no one notice? i think that hurts the most...no one noticed..no one noticed that i never talked..that i was usually hiding somewhere .. that the fear mommy has instilled in me is still alive and strong..and even now as an adult..no one understands that the same rules still stand at home..dont move without permission..dont think..dont ask..dont do anything...it was the unspoken rules that controlled me and kept me silent...even now it is the fear of being in trouble with mommy that breaks me..that stops me cold and i cant think..i cant process..i can shut down..i can cry..i can hide..but i cant function...and the fear controls me...the fear still controls me ..

overwhelmed

no more hiding from life...my world is crumbling at my feet and all i can do is watch because all of it is out of my control.  i see everyone else going on with their lives and i want to yell and scream and tell them to stop..tell them to pay attention..tell them i am not happy...im very afraid of this week..im afraid of worrying and being scared and feeling so overwhelmed with everything.  Im not so sure about any of this anymore.  I wonder why I hang on just to be let down over and over .... this isnt the depression talking..this is im tired of life talking and am completely ready to give up and call it quits..im tired of fighting..im tired of crying..and i feel completely alone ..i know im not completely alone but it just feels like i am..im getting sucked farther and farther into to my head..and i dont want anyone else there..i want to be alone to hide the fact that i cant seem to manage right now...that im back to crying and its not as if i can get a lot of stuff done if i cant see straight..crying makes me sleepy...and i would rather not be seen or talked to or looked at righth now...im seriously just sitting here ..picking my poison ... what will it be..cutting, pills, burning, throwing up, most of my meds are at sarahs house because i was stupid and left them this morning...so the pill option isnt as good...i already know what it will be..its not a hard choice to make ... just something else i will have failed at this month...i tried..i really did but thats not good enough...i need to be dead inside for a little while..to be able to deal with mommy and to deal with moving and to deal with possibly ending up in a place that scares me hotel wise....i dont want mommy to come..i really dont...i dont want anyone to come and see just how far i have fallen...but mommy is making sure of that...i can count on one hand who actually knows whats going on with me..i may keep secrets ..but mommy is better at than me..not that there is anyone to help...and mommy used money this morning...that was the fuel to let me know that im not doing enough..that i cant depend on her..that i cant do anything ..that i still owe nia and rob..that she cant come and rent something and drive up here on her own..and mommy is telling me over and over what it is that i need to do..i feel stupid and rushed and pushed..and i cant be rushed..i just cant...i know most of my triggers and that is a big one..my head hurts...my body hurts..everything hurts right now...and as much as i want to destroy myself..i think ill just take a couple vailums and lay back down..the crying has stopped again..so maybe the headache will go away too..i dont know...im not putting much hope in anything at all right now...and i have to be even more careful on the phone..especially with mommy...no sadness..no tears..no nothing...i may as well be dead already...silence is my friend..i guess

it snowed

im so happy it snowed..and it stuck..its not a massive amount..but enough that digging out my car out scares me lol..i love snow i do...but i dont drive in it..and i most certainly dont trust my tires right now for anything...

but i woke up this morning and figured out it was snowing..and so of course i walked outside..snow makes me happy..just watching it makes me happy...and now watching it melt already makes me sad.

slightly panicked about possibly driving today..but im not sure..i may juts call it a day and pick up with everything tomorrow. essh

guess i need to write...

im feeling calmer this morning..yesterday i thought the world would end and i would end right along with it.but the world didnt end and neither did i...the depression is hitting hard..and so is the need to hide and shut down and not say anything to anyone at all...only a handful of people know the situation..and i guess i want to keep it that way...i dont want anyones pity...i will manage...in the end i always manage somehow...

went to therapy today..and actually told alice why i didnt come in last week...we talked a bit about crying and how that is a healthy skill..and how much ive grown over the past almost 2 years with her...in the past week..all the times i wanted to give up, give in, cut, burn, ugh i thought about all of it..but the razors are still in the living room where i left them..the package is open ..and i even had one out to use at one point .. but i put it back and just cried and cried and cried some more...and as much as i dont like it..i guess i can at laest acknowledge that yes crying is a natural thing...dont know it though.and i dont like that i cant control...these days tears are so close to the surface..its like anything and everything is able to set me off ... but therapy is now moved to every 3 weeks..because im managing..because im staying safe..because thinking is not the same as acting..so on and so forth..things have been royally shitty...and i didnt cut...i almost wonder what has happened to me?  what has changed?  there is a small number of people who i want to be proud of me...alice is one, kathy and sarah are the others..nia at least acknowledges that things suck..while mommy constantly tells me what i need to do or should be doing or something..being on the phone with her gives me such a  headache..but this is one of those times that i have to control myself and my temper and my reactions...she is being nice enough to drive up here..and help me get my stuff out of the apartment..

the court stuff happened..i have 10 days...maybe an extra three days after that..but the end result is that i will be out of this apartment by the end of next week..the plan right now is for my stuff to pretty much go to storage..until the other apartment is ready at ashley oaks...so many changes.so much upheveal...right now im afraid to hope..to think. to plan to far out..because things keep changing and not working out..and im getting worn out...the stress and worry has turned physical..and i can feel the tension in my back and neck..it still hurts me to get up or move certain ways because my sides still hurt a lot...i will have to get things organized and put up or give away..and some things i see no point in keeping ...i guess mommy is right in that its the clothes that are the biggest issue...and some things im gonna try to sell and some things im just trashing..i want this to be a new start...getting some stability..some normalcy...its just that 2013 was filled so many negative things...a few positive things but really negative and scary stuff..and it has leaked over into 2014...but i want things to get better..i want to feel better again..crap ill even go and work out with roxanne juts for the stability..im hoping by feb that things will be more stable..

and tomorrow ..i will be able to make things right with sarah...as sucky and sad as the past few days have been...im glad i told her what i did..because i was guilty and feeling guilty and i just couldnt keep it up...and so tomorrow i will set that right..and we will go from there...when we talked on sunday..i do believe we have agreed to slow down a bit...keep spending time together, getting to know each other, all of that..no rushing into anything...but working through stuff...i was so afraid that i would lose her..and i didnt..yes things are a bit different right now..but she is still in my life and that means i am not alone..i just cant lie to sarah...it hurts me and it hurts her...so long ive spent keeping my secrets..and she wants me to talk to her...to tell her..and that is scary..so many things come alive in me when i am with her..and some things i am getting a bit more used to. never in my life would i have thought i would be ok being undressed around anyone...but with sarah i can be undressed in like 20 seconds and not care ..ok the self concious feelings do still come and go..and im ashamed of the ruin that is my body..but i guess that will take time...and sarah is giving me all the time in the world...to get comfortable with what i am learning about myself ...the fears still creep in though..i wonder how screwed up i am to like the things i like..and it scares me...but am working on it..

tomorrow i actually have to work work..and hopefully will find out more about my missing check...this current job is frustrating me majorly...which reminds me that i need to call kathy back..but anywhoo..i have food and ill have gas..so yeah..will manage...thats what i keep telling myself...damn i need a new happy pill...im depressing myself these days...

but yes i am better than yesterday..and i feel that tomorrow i will be able to face the world...its going to be a busy day...so i think im gonna go play some fb games for a bit and then just lay down...already took meds so im pretty sure ill be sleep really soon

no tears..grow up

fear is setting in..a lot of fear..im afraid..and on the verge of crying..on the verge of cutting..on the verge of something to get the fear to ease up a little bit..how did i get to this place ??? and why cant i get out of it?  how did things get to the point that i am staring at being homeless for the first time in my life..something i never thought would happen in a million years..but i am looking at it...and it is not a pretty picture..and im sad and depressed and scared and just tired..im not sure i can do this...i dont want to do this..and instead all i keep thinking is that if i cut i would be able to sleep..over medicating would do the same thing...but no...i think i want to hurt..and i need it to be a visible hurt...something to see..but i am afraid..and am now crying because i cant even decide if i want to hurt myself or not...i really do think there was a lot of truth when i told sarah earlier that i was afraid of ending up in the hospital...that is still a fear..a real fear..and all i can do is lay here and cry...hidde  and cry..i need to hide from myself at this pointt..because i dont know what else to do..ill go finish crying now. if i make it through the night..i guess ill grow up tomorrow

the past

 

I think i forget sometimes about my past, it gets wiped away..for a little while i have a clean slate..nothing sad..nothing harmful or hurtful happened..i had a great life, got to do so many things..and then there are the days when i know that just the wording of what i just wrote doesnt make any of it true...all i have to do is change a couple things and my life becomes what it actually was..sad, depression, hurtful, shameful, i have been lied to my entire life..and because of one lie i will never be able to find out if my real parents even wanted me, i will never find out if they even know that nicole died years ago..my family left me and i was placed with a family that didnt/doesnt want me...that is my life..alot of tears and anger that i forced out of my mind..the yelling, hitting, threats and torment i try to forget..but today i talked about some of it and it is now on my mind..im feeling nervous and a bit paranoid .. i thought i was coming to terms with my past..but no i dont think i have...because juts talking about it almost had me crying like i had lost my mind...and i have to remind myself that its not ok to cry...its not ok to hurt..that i deserved it.that it was my fault..that i am bad and selfish and completely alone..

more another time 

maybe writing will save me

maybe it will...maybe it wont..at this moment im really not feeling to confident in anything at all ...

my head hurts from crying..and i want to do not so very nice things..pick your posion...what shall it be ?  its like spinning a wheel and waiting to see where it lands...i think its sad that i have enough options for ways to hurt myself that i can pick and choose..what to do..what not to do..no i wont die..i never die..but again..but i think i want and what will actually happen are by no means the same thing...not the same at all..my mind can be a horrible place for thinking and planning..i dont want to hurt..no. i do want to hurt..but i am afraid i will make a mistake..go to far in the quest for silence and emptiness...dont forget you deserve it..never forget that..never forget your place..remember...remember what mommy says..remeber you are worthless, evil, selfish, liar, thief, hated, not good enough..stop pretending ..stop trying to convince yourself of anything else..but in the end..mommy is right...as always she is right...and she is always there to remind me that i am awful..and i am left wondering why she didnt kill me way back when she had a chance?  why let me live just to tell me over and over that im not enough..that ill never be enough..and no amount of trying will make me good enough for anything or anyone..

tears and dark places

maybe i am not all out of tears...because i am sitting here crying..thinking..and crying..writing and crying..staring at nothing and crying...trying to figure out what to do and crying...

i dont want to be hated but i am afraid i will be...i dont want to be left alone but again..that is a possibility...

and i hate myself..the more i think the more i hate..and the more i hate.the more i want to stop feeling...the more i want to hide and disappear..and just go away...pretend i dont exist..make myself remember and believe that i truly am worthless..an that i will always end up messing things up..and then i remember all the times that ive tried so hard to destroy myself..how close ive gotten to ending up accidentally dying...and not caring one bit...i wanted to die..i prayed for death..and it never came..no matter what i did..i woke up the next day..hurting and upset that my eyes even opened..and today...today i pray once again for death to take me..i messed up..and deserve to die, deserve to hurt,  deserve to be punished..

my mind wanders and i am back in the dark place that i tried to leave so long ago..the place where pain becomes something to strive for..not avoid..where feeling numb is the goal..and i find that this is a place where i am comfortable at...still comfortable...after all this time..the dark place is where i am comfortable at..the place of pain, guilt, shame, horror...and yet my mind still hides it from me...until the time when it is needed..for when i need a hiding place...so easily i am pulled back into it..so easily i begin to want it...to crave it.. and will do anything to reach that height of emptiness...and then..maybe then..sleep will take me ..

let me go

what am i waiting for ???
a savior ?
a friend?
someone to talk to ?

no

i remember my place
ive learned it well
its two steps behind everyone else
take away the love and happiness
joy, fun, smiles
and i am what is left

nothing, empty, lost
a shell to hide within
to watch a world that i do not belong in
to hurt but not cry
to smile and hide the pain
silence is my friend
silence will let me go

i have no words...

i have no words left... i have managed to burn the last bridge i had i guess..and now i am paying for what i did...maybe im not cut out to be with anyone at all...maybe i should have kept myself alone..but i didnt..i tried..and i lied, and i failed..and now i dont know what to do..waiting, hoping, prraying..but im not sure for what..god has never answered me before...so instead i choose silence...complete and utter silence...throw myself into work..so i dont have to think and hurt...pack..sleep..and get through the day...i can feel it more acutely than ever before...the lonliness, the emptiness...the need to numb out..to not think..to sleep..my thoughts have already entered into the black hole..what is left for me exactly ?? i told her i would wait..give her space..let her figure out what she wanted..and i will live with her answer..im afraid i will lose her...and i guess i will have to wait and see...back to square one..back to being alone all the time..how easy it is to lose everything at the drop of a hat...the guilt was eating at me..and so i told her ...after lying about it..and it was a physical seperation that happened...she pulled away..and i cried like an idiot..hoping for what? a second chance?  forgivness?  any glimmer of hope that things arent over...she asked to go home, and let me know that she wouldnt be coming over again for a long while..that she wasnt sure about living together...and the fear has set in again..what is going to happen to me exactly..but i guess i will find out on monday..one way or another i will find out..and then i will have to figure out what to do..where to go..suddenly being alone hurts so much more than before..i feel sick..all day ive felt sick...and i think im gonna stay off of fb for a bit...i dont know what to do..im hurting and dont know what to do..i hurt her..after i told her over and over that i wouldnt hurt her..and i did..so many thoughts..and soon everyone will hate me..and i cant blame them...i really cant

im horrible
i remember now
im not meant to form any relationship with anyone
cas i mess it up
i break it up
and end up alone in the end...

trying to remember to breath..trying to remember that i am alive..but all i can think about and feel is the emptiness that is my heart..and what i need to do inorder to make it go away for a little while...

acting on impulse is never good..but since rational thought has left me..i guess impulsive thinking it is...

now...now i am broken

sometimes....

sometimes i dont want to have to be strong
i dont want to be the one that manages everything
i dont want to be the one that has to fa ce the world
with or without a smile
i want to be sad
i want to be able to cry and not hide
i want to be able to ask for support and get it
i dont want to be told that im strong
that i can handle things
that im doing good
please can i just have my pity party
please can i give up
call it quits
run away
disappear

but

where would i be if i had no one at all
no one wondering, thinking, caring, concerned about me
what if no one was there to care at all
no one there to let me know that things will get better
that this is a sucky time but that it wont be forever
what if no one noticed the struggle
no one noticed the silence, the fear, the struggle
where would i be then
would i even still be alive

sometimes i dont want to be told im strong
that i can handle things
but that is what i need to hear
when i am ready to give up
and give in
call it quits and give up

no i am still here
i am strong
this wont last forever.

something that is funny..in a really sad way

in the midst of e verything that is going on...i am frustrated enough with my job to really truly consider looking for something else...

ok fine my check was held until i turned in my work ..but ive turned in my work now and i am still having to hunt down my pay check...everyone has to be cleared to release MY freaking money ... and i dont like that...yes i messed up but i fixed it..and now i want to be paid..and instead i am waiting and being ignored and left ... it is frustrating me ..more so because of all the apartment stuff going on..i need the money...i need to get paid...and instead im stuck waiting...no i dont like that...

i spent two hours today waiting..after being told that i had to get things turned in..i rushed and pushed and forced myself to get things done inbetween seeing clients..and finally made it to the office...only to be told that the director had to give the go ahead...well she didnt call back...ok...she comes to the office and disappears into the office with a couple of the office ppl..and the office admin knew i was waiting..and i waited..and waited..missed going to the pharmacy for meds..due to waiting...anxious and frustrated waiting..but being patient, waiting quietly...and then they all leave and i am left there with no answers..and no check..i know the office admin saw me before she actually left and knew i was still there..but she left anyway with nothing said to me..and i had to call HER to ask her what happeneed..and was told that something else had come up and that she hadnt been able to talk to the director about me...but she had called/messaged the director at like 4pm...and at 6pm there is still no answer ..and the director came to the office at like 4:45pm and i am sitting there waiting..

no..im not comfortable there..im not...so looking will begin...im not doing this...

more thoughts...

yep well i was right in that alice called to check on me...and we rescheduled for next week..talked a little about what is going on..but left a lot out...no point in sharing it...

i think im about to head to the office though..since being at home just brings on more tears...

you know..i think mommy is pleased that i dont have the money to go grocery shopping..because then i cant buy anything im not supposed to have...she has told me so in the past..this would not be any different at all...

no point at all in any of this...

im tired

no such thing as happiness...

im sad..broken..useless...hopeless..alone..empty..

and still the tears come..they dont seem to stop anymore..just crying..i think my eyes are broken and they are just leaking uncontrollably..but still i have to hide it..because im not supposed to be sad..or breaking down..or anything like that..if i talk to mommy and she even thinks ive been crying or am sad or something she will attack and grill me..until i swear im fine and that nothing is wrong...i could talk to nia but i dont want her worrying..she has enough on her plate right now..with school and noa and all of that..my problems dont need to get added to hers...and so it really does feel like i am having to deal with all of this in silence...writing about it doesnt really help anymore..and im to ashamed to let anyone know what is really going on ..so i end up crying by myself almost everyday...sarah does know though..i promised i wouldnt shut her out..but every day i juts want to give up a little bit more..im scared...i really am..scared that i wont be able to keep myself safe..that i wont care...everyday caring goes away a little bit more..and im wearing down..the need to manage and be calm and do what i need to do..unfortunately goes hand in hand with cutting when i am this overwhelmed and stressed out..and again its like i have to stay hidden until i can pull myself together enough to leave the house..or go to work or do anything...but there is not much that i can do right now...i dont have money to do anything and i used what i did have to get cat food..and so i pretend im not hungry..and that i dont need anything at all..and that im fine..because i would never ask anyone for money again..because its just another failure on my part...and i dont want to have to deal with owing anyone else money...i cant even keep up with what i owe everyone now...no need to make it worse..at some point this week i will have to find boxes...i need to pack..trying hard to get caught up with work..i am...

skipping therapy today...i have enopugh shame and guilt right now to deal with..and i dont want to talk about it ..alice will prolly call..i dont know..i may or may not answer...i dont feel like talking to anyone today..i just want to hide ...disappear.. do something to calm my head down..but there is nothing safe..

ill go finish crying now..and then its back to paperwork ... no need to let work stuff get any worse...
ddont need to screw up again..

breaking....

maybe ill just record my breakdown in writing...maybe it will make me famous...if im lucky..maybe ill just be ignored and forgotten..quietly slip away and no one will ever find me ...


this month is barely started and already i want to skip it..let it go by..do something, anything to just ignore the days and let them pass..

i have to be careful when im on the phone with mommy..no sadness allowed..nothing but planning and packing and doing what im told is allowed..

doing what im told..and so ayes i kept my cool while i talked to her..explained what i was going to do and planning and all of that...

and still im sitting here crying and trying to figure out what in the hell to do...finally managed to get the apartment place on the phone this morning...the end of january...thats what im looking at ..not the beginning..not the middle..but the end..what the hell am i supposed to do..not that its important to anyone else i guess..i have to find some place for taji and bounce to stay..and for them to be safe and cared for... me i dont care..

Friday...

i woke up at 3:30am...yet again... im so sleepy..i want to go to sleep..instead i actually got up and made an attempt to clean the kitchen and the bathroom and take the trash out...more than ive done in a couple days...

im not feeling as badly as i was yesterday..still pretty down though...im not going to do anything to hurt myself...not today...today..well later this afternoon im going over to sarahs for a couple days ... maybe juts having company will be good..and i like her company..and i just want to be held a little bit..because i am feeling very alone .. lost...empty...

my body hurts...stress is a pain in the ass...i forget sometimes that when i get really stressed it starts to come out in other ways...so physically im hurting..i havent done anything at all to make my side hurt again...maybe done some stuff that would make other parts sore.heh. but yeah .. gotta keep reminding myself to not hold in the stress and tension..because it is just building up...but right now im still to close to cutting to really let go of anything...oh well for me..

have to go to work in like 3 hours for a bit ... not really feeling like it but guess i have to go...

will be spending my free time for the next three days doing notes anyway..so yeah..fun times ...

im just tired ....

how many times have i said im tired...when i really mean

im sad
im hurt
im angry
im depressed
im feeling hopeless
im feeling suicidal..

all of these fall under tired..because it is ok to be tired..its not ok to be anything else on the list...so im tired..and no one notices because its not completely true..oh i am tired..worn out..worn down..but it is more than that too...so very much more than that..

whats going on ???

I really really wish i had a simple and straight forward answer for what is going on...so much is going on...so many things that are having to change by force really and i dont like it..i try not to shut down but i do...ive been very very close to cutting lately...and i did the ultimate no-no and went and got razors...the ones i like..the ones i prefer to use..im not angry with myself for getting them though..just sad that my thinking and how i am feeling has gone backwards so much right now...that im thinking its ok to hurt myself juts for the release..for the break..so that i can breathe just a little bit easier...its not a want..its punishment..for messing up..for getting to this place both physically and mentally...for feeling like i really truly have screwed everything up and that there really is no hope that things will get better...I know where they are, I havent opened them, or used them...i just have them...

but i guess maybe i should explain things a little bit better .. heck maybe ill even make a list..ugh

well the holidays were a big trigger..going home..being around my mom..knowing that if i wasnt careful that i would be told i wasnt good enough..being at home and still not feeling as if i am at home..im juts some place where my family happens to be..and it is more so at christmas and that small bit of time in aug/july..where i realize that my biological family is dead..my sister is dead..my parents if they are still alive..the biological ones..dont know me..and so in a sense they are juts as dead to me as my sister is...during the holidays i spend my time confirming for my mom that i am happy..that i like being at home..that i got what i wanted..and in return..i get yelled at and watched like a hawk ..and for the life of me i dont know why she hates me so much...i do everything to let her know that i am so very happy to be at home and that she is a great parent and blah blah blah..and what i get in return is a lecture about what i need to do to fix myself ..how to be better..to do better ..to be just more than me..i dont have to explain anymore to alice why i feel so badly around christmas...but to everyone else (minus a couple ppl)..i am happy and excited and going home and seeing family and everything that i am supposed to do...everything that i dont want to do...so yes..my sadness that hangs over my all the time doesnt go away..it gets worse..and no one sees it...

but the holidays are over now..and that does make me happy..but my cloud of darkness just seems to get darker ...

in less than two weeks now..i am looking at being evicted..going to court and everything..one of the few things that scares me senseless is having to go to court..i dont care what the reason is for.just being in court makes me so anxious ..to the point of being sick..and im going to court..i have to..even if it is juts to manage to get a couple extra days in my apartment..that i have to have packed up between now and then...that i have to be prepared to move to storage between now and then...which then means i need to get paid so that i can get a storage..find a place to stay if the other apartment isnt ready..the worry doesnt go away..the fear and just wanting to give up doesnt go away..every since i lost my other job in sept ..i have done everything i can to hang on to my apartment..and i just cant afford it anymore...right now i juts cant afford anything at all and im afraid..because my ability to ask for help is still not that great...im facing possibly being homeless in two weeks and have no idea how to make it better..except for winning the lottery maybe..but realistically..i could be my own client right now..trapped in a no win situation..owing money to everyone and not having enough to live on..i tried..i did everything i could..i borrowed, begged, pleaded..and still couldnt stay caught up..and now because i am even stupider .. i didnt get paid this pay period...and so as i realize that i have once again screwed things up..my frame of mind is just not in a good place.. there is to much to do and not enough time to do it in...pretty much i will most likely spend next weekend packing and crying and doing who knows what..maybe hiding and sleeping..

and the world goes on..the world keeps moving..and i go to work and dont turn in my stupid paperwork because things are so hectic outside of work that paperwork is the last thing on my mind..but i have no choice really..and i know that..im not complaining about my check being held...yes it was stupid on my part..yyes i deserved it..but in the end i will get it...preferably next week..ive been trying to work on notes and stuff today and im not feeling good...i want to lay down but it makes me feel sick..i want to sit up but that just makes me want to lay down again..i cant ask mommy for money ..so of course now it is a battle to see about keeping the cats fed at least..and gas in my car so i can go to work and pretend that my world isnt crumbling at my feet...because no one cares..outside of my mom and sister..only alice, sarah and roxanne know just what it is that i am facing...and there is a time frame now attached to alice..as im pretty sure i will be stopping therapy soon..

if i cut ..i will have wasted all the work i did in the past year...yes i understand set backs, mistakes, one thing doesnt ruin everything else..but sometimes i am still ashamed of my scars..the ones i have put on my body..and that is pretty much all of them...crap im pretty sure i could easily get a one way ticket to the hospital psych ward..but what would that help??? my stuff and my apartment would still have to be packed up..i would still have to move...i would just be forced to allow someone else to do it for me ..and that i dont think i want...some things are juts not for other ppl to see...so that is not a real option... and i right back to where i started...looking at my apartment and the overwhelming task in front of me...in the next week..because really thats all i have..i cant kid myself and think i have more time..i cant make anyone give me more time...and im pretty sure not paying my rent means i need to leave..and i dont want to go to court..have i mentioned that yet?? crap ill take the stupid judgement and some how work on paying it off..but going to court makes me feel like im going to be yelled at for messing up..and its one of those things that i want to go to alone so that no one will be there to see me cry..juts incase i cant keep myself under control...and on the other hand..i guess i have some idea of what i am walking into..and so there is no point in crying about it anymore..

im tired of crying..im tired of everything..im tired of being strong and capable and whatever else it is that i need to be..when will i be able to call it quits?  give up?? stop fighting?? stop fighting with myself...stop fighting with the world..just i want a break..i really do..and im not going to cry while writing this..im just not..

in the midst of all of this..the one high point in all of it is that sarah is in the picture..the one person i can be around and not feel completely scared and anxious..i can ignore the rest of the world when i am with her..and without her i am just sad and lonely..things really have changed alot since we started talking way back in aug..i have to remember that it is 2014...so everything is past tense..except being evicted...that is actually a 2014 happening... but anyway..met her in august..and after a lot and i do mean a lot of talking and hanging out and everything..we started dating in nov...and then things kinda just took whatever course they were going to take because now..now there arent really any words to describe where the relationship is at..it scares me and makes me happy at the same time..i want things i never thought i would want..and past things are making me doubt what i want ..and how i feel..and im embarrassed i guess...at how easily i slipped away from not wanting anything at all..to wanting everything and then some...aand it still takes me a while but i am trying to ask her for what i want in certain situations...fear and shame are still getting me though..filling my head with old thoughts and things ive been told in the past..it sucks..that i actually have a real shot at finding happiness and accepetance..and im still trying to analyze the crap out of it...i dont want to do that...i work hard to juts enjoy when im with her..because i know that at some point she has to go home..and then i just become the crying needy dork who doesnt know what she wants and cant seem to let go...

i dont know..maybe its the depression talking..i would like to say that im normally not this negative..but thats not true...i havent outwardly been this negative in a good while...but old habits die hard..and right now..negative and mean and hateful are the ways that i am viewing myself...but i would never view anyone else like that...that would be hurtful to them..but i cant say that about myself...no..i guess this has just been the trickle down effect..things that are bound to happen and there is no way to stop them...i can accept i guess that i will destroy myself ...ive been trying for years..what makes now so much different?? but i had stopped trying..with alice and courtney..i told them what was going on..i did..and they helped...but now i am slowly pulling back from them..i know i am..because at some point soon i will be again forced to say goodbye to alice..and only see courtney every once in a while for med refills...there is no point in telling them anything else anymore...and so again..i fall into acceptance of things that i have no control over...but i can completely control just how mean i am being to myself..and that has no limits at the moment...so my list is long and intricate ...

this is what happens when you start to think things are ok..and that things are manageable...then the real world finds you and breaks you in half and then leaves you to die...i guess im just waiting for the "and then you die' part..but that would make sarah sad..and i dont want her to be sad...

back to very quietly walking that fine line between ok and not okay...and the further i walk..the more i end up on the not okay side...but i am good at pretending ... i can pretend to be okay until i die...until i have to pretend though..i guess ill be hiding at home..until tomorrow anyway ..when i have to go to work ... i can fake some happiness right ? i can at least fake neutral if nothing else..

oh i didnt bother with making a new years resolution this year...i see no point to it..and i dont need the extra ammo at my disposal when i fail at that too..

i guess that is all i have to say...my head is tired..and i really am trying not to cry...but thankfully taji and bounce keep my secrets for me..