one year clean

I am writing this and i am not sure how i really feel about it.  It is a huge step since i had never been able to make it past 3 or 4 months..before I would give in to the urges, to need an escape or a way to hide from the emotions that I did not want to feel.  I realized this earlier today..what the date was..and I cried.  It was as if I was saying goodbye to an old friend all over again.  Love and hate all at once. I have bared my scars for the past couple days, without fear, without hiding.  The scars will not fade anymore.  They are there to stay, to show that I am still alive.  Maybe I cant see the achievement in this yet, but one day I will.  It was not easy, it was a struggle, a daily struggle to be safe, to be calm. to think and not just react.  Through everything that has happened in the past year..I did not try to solve it with a razor. i have cried, screamed, cried some more, thought, overthought..did i mention crying?  It has been different..it has been hard..and scary not being able to go and use the immediate calming technigue that had worked for years..to not revert back to old habits..to understand that it is ok to be sad or hurt or angry or well anything..its ok to feel..and now I know that it is okay to say that I am not okay.  It is still hard admitting it at times, but my cicle of support is growing and filling in.
I guess the main thing I am trying to keep understanding, is that no matter how upset, sad, scared, angry, or hurt I became, that cutting did not make it better.  I was hurting myself and had convinced myself otherwise.  The truth is though, that I was hurting myself, on purpose, I deserved it, I needed it..I wanted it..
Now I understand that I can live without.  That there are other ways to express how I am feeling.  I am still learning to use my words..but I am no longer in the same place that I was a year ago. I will never go back to that place. Yes it lasted for a lot of years, but that is now the past.  There is no need to revisit that past anymore.
-jaded

i am

I am loved
I am important
I am not alone
I am wanted


That is enough for me
Now I have to remember it

morbid thoughts

this week has me feeling pretty down...ok majorly down and depressed and worried and scared and all sorts of things..im tired and worn out..and every day it feels like such a chore walking into my house when i come home...

this really has been a week from hell..arguments with mommy about money...arguments about going home for christmas, going home for christmas and being separated from sarah...i dont like sleeping alone anymore...i want to be near her but my mom has other plans and is determined to have sarah in the other mom and both of us cant sleep in there cas the bed is not big enough...im planning on making this trip as short as possible..it was lovely being told that my christmas gift will be gas money to go home with...i feel so loved and important :(  im glad i at least was able to get sarahs gift..i cant really afford gifts for anyone ... well i plan on getting noa something..but i feel stupid going home with nothing..knowing that i cant afford to do anything for anyone right now...and im being forced into once again...

so many worries going on right now..and i dont know what to do about any of them..will i even have a freaking place to live come next week??? im tired of all of this..the worry..the stress..the fears...and trying to manage and failing miserably...im tired of crying..and fighting and struggling ...i really am...this week..im juts all out of positive ... im not happy..im to nervous and scared to be happy...and its beginning to present in my body...im tired and sore and worn out..im trying so hard and still things are all messed up and and hard...

brother was in an accident tuesday night...a bad one...one of the passengers in the other car died...im scared for him...im worried for him..and i am practically hundreds of miles away and cant do a damn thing to help at all ..no the accident wasnt his fault...but at the same time .how do you deal with knowing someone has died?  a 19yr old...it is sad...very depressing ..and makes me feel guilty that i am glad my brother is still alive...what does that say about me..how horrible i am ... how useless i am ..

god i wish i had someone to cover for me with work today because im afraid that i cant handle it..right now im sitting and writing and crying as if the world is ending ..and maybe for me it is...when is it ok to throw in the towel and say im done?? im tired..i dont want to do this anymore..?  and it took till now to realize that the suicidal feelings/thoughts have woken up...geez im really stupid for missing this...really very stupid on my part..

feeling like a failure

right now i am majorly feeling like a failure...like i have messed up and kept messing up and now things are juts all screwed up...losing my job was the worst thing that could have happened...everything has fallen from there..and yes im working now but the effects of not losing for like a month is far reaching...i owe everyone..my bills are behind..im struggling to just keep my head above water..and im sinking..sinking hard and fast right now...im not making enough to catch up and live where im at..and pay bills and pay car stuff..and my mom told me that im not giving her enough money back from what she loaned me..and i still need to pay for gas and food and all of that...after trying to pay on other stuff...and so today..after ive been seriously worrying and stressing about money and what can be paid and all of that..my mom calls and i tell her what she can take out of my acount and she tells me that she had been expecting more...she asked if that was all i could spare...im sorry i dont have more..im sorry there is one thing that i HAVE to pay to avoid things getting worse dealing with my job and my old job and all of that..so that money has to be taken out of the equation..and im making less than i had been making ..and so yeah im stressed out..worried..scared..waiting to be evicted from my apartment..wondering if i will be spending christmas packing and trying to figure out where ill be staying..if the other apartment isnt ready..and i told her that if i couldnt afford to come home for christmas then i cant do it..i wont be guilted into it..i wont ask to borrow money...if i cant come then oh well...but it was after talking to her that i guess it all hit me..and i started crying..while sitting in the car..waiting  for a client..it took a while to get myself under control..well about 40 mins to get myself under control..and i was able to finish work and all of that..and just came home...and still have been crying off and on all afternoon...just trying to figure things out..trying to figure out what im going to do..trying to not think about the future that im completely unsure about right now..im tired..im depressed..im scared...and no i dont have the slightest idea of what to do...crap i may end up in a hotel for a little while..who knows..i just dont know...and i want to be able to spend time with sarah..and have privacy..and just not be so scared about everything (and insert more tears) ... ive been talking to her since i got home..and trying hard to be honest and tell her that i am scared and everything...it is hard admitting ...it is hard to juts ccry and cry and not fight the tears...no cutting..no dying...just crying and trying to be ok with the fact that i am upset and overwhelmed to the point of crying ..for lack of anything else to do..anything safe..i want to sleep but cant seem to fall asleep..so ive just been online and listening to the tv...

i just dont know where things are going right now..and im scared and feeling hopeless and like a failure...thats all

changes..love..and fear

to say things are changing would be putting things very very nicely...i feel as if everything has been uprooted and its all looking for new space..a new setting..something that will feel comfortable again...my head, my body, my thoughts, my heart, my soul...all looking for something and afraid that accepting it will cause everything to fall apart...trusting myself..is still a very fragile thing..i trust  sarah..who is my girlfriend..so ill prolly write a lot about her and things..just a warning lol. 

maybe i should start a little more at the beginning...sarah messaged me first..on good ole okcupid...a site i joined on a dare..and didnt really think much of it...i joined and kinda of left it at that..but sarah messaged me in aug..and i guess i had been on the site for a couple months or so..but we started emailing ..and i found she was easy to talk to..which for me is a majorly big deal..silence has been my best friend for so long that well being able to talk so freely with someone was overwhelming. i wanted to talk to her..and tell her things..

and then we actually met...and  i found out that i liked her company, i liked her mean cat even, i think i just liked her in general...like we could be friends type like...fast forward a couple months..and things changed a bit..i was spending more time with her and missing her when she wasnt around..i was there for her when she was struggling with things..and she was there for me...and somehow gradually..it became more than just a friend like...but i didnt understand what i was feeling...i was afraid ... very afraid..i didnt know what to do or think..or how to even really express to anyone how i was feeling..and again it was sarah who listened to me ramble on and on about the past and how things were..and different things that happened and being afraid and not understanding..and not once did she tell me to stop or to grow up or anything like that..she talked me through it..told me to talk to my therapist (yeah if you read any part of my blog its kinda easy to figure out that i am in therapy)....but from the beginning i had let her know that i was dealing with past issues..in therapy..on meds..the whole shebang...i felt guilty not telling because i know i can get attached and attach strongly and quickly..and tend to become a burden for ppl because my boundaries are so underdeveloped...and well i wanted her to know what she was getting into in a way...and still we hung out..i had told her that i was comfortable just with being friends at the time..that anything more scared me..and she was able to comfort me and calm my fears..

right before thanksgiving..we had a couple of indepth chats...about different things..and the end results of those was that i was in a relationship..i have a girlfriend..me..the person who was positive that i would be alone for forever..and i have someone who i miss on a daily basis..who i worry about if i dont hear from her during the day..who i talk to about everything..good and bad...and i think it was when i realized that i missed her when i wasnt aroudn her that let me know somewhere in my head that something was different...this was not the same as me hanging out with yvonne and talking...no it was completely different..and took me to a place where i had no idea what i was doing or feeling or what i wanted...i was afraid..i am afraid..

i talked to one of my docs a little bit about and she asked me if it made me happy for someone to tell me that i was beautiful...and as much as i wanted to deny it ...i couldnt...it did make me happy..it made me feel wanted, needed..important...i still am very confused though..and still plan to talk about the whole relationship issues/fear that i seem to be having in therapy..but for now sarah gets to listen to all of my random questions..no matter how embarrassing ..she listens..

so skip ahead about a week and thanksgiving hit..and i went downhill pretty quickly emotionally...i didnt keep the fact that i was struggling from her..and she told me more than once that she would be there..and that things would be ok...we went to my home for thanksgiving..a place that still fills me with fear and terror...but i went and sarah went with me...and its just interesting how things turn out...how suddenly i am ok with being near her and allowing her in my space without fear...that i can help her with what she needs and she helps me..we talked a lot while at home..and i was able to tell her a lot of what i was afraid of..ask her for comfort..well soemtimes ask...still having to work on that one...and i think we got closer..both physically and emotionally..some things happened and had to be talked through...but it was all ok..i was able to ask her to kiss me..it may have taken a lot of time and effort on my part to juts get the words out ...but in the end i did..and i have asked a lot for that...

we spent wed - sat at my moms house..and came back home yesterday..and the lonliness set in quickly...yes we talk multiple times a day..but its not the same..i miss her presence..i miss her holding my hand .. i miss her kissing me and comfoting me when im scared..and being at my own apartment just magnifys the lonliness...i know right now it is not viable to be with her all day every day ..but that is what i want..i want to be with her..and be able to tell her i love her and want her and need her in my life.. even today ..less than 24 hours since i saw her and the fears came back..and i talked to her about them and was able to calm down...

im still struggling to understand the changes in my body...how my thoughts are suddenly full of embarrassing things...that i want so much and am afraid to ask for it..that i dont want to have to keep myself under control..but im afraid of losing control or giving it up...and then i end up confused and sad because i cant figure out the words...i keep thinking about being able to see her on tuesday..and what i want is by far not the innocent, harmless thoughts of someone who has never been in a relationship...im aware of what is involved in a relationship...and even though it embarrasses me to no end ..what i think about makes my mind wander into so many different things...im afraid though that my fear will keep getting the best of me...that i will be afraid and shy...and not ask for what i want..whatever that may be...

you know out of everything that has happened in the past few months with sarah and the relationship growning and changing and becoming more...it is simply the fact that i willingly showed her my arm..at some point im sure i will show her the rest ..but my upper arms are destroyed from cutting..the scars will not fade...they are as faded as they are getting...but i showed her ...and she kissed them..no yelling, no fear, no disgust, nothing like that at all..she held my hand and kissed my scars..and something inside of me settled down just a little bit...this is different..this is personal..this is not me talking to my therapist or my med doctor...i didnt have to explain..i didnt have to defend them...they just are ..the scars..its like everything about me that i have learned to hate and destroy and hurt..she accepts ...she accepts me as i am..she has told me so more than once..and i am having to learn to stay in the moment..to not let the past or the future have so much control anymore...the one thing that i have wanted for so so long..and denied that i wanted it for just as long..is right in front of me..and she is waiting for me to come to whatever terms it is that i need to come too..and i dont want to mess that up...i dont want to lose it...i hate how much the past has affected and is still affecting me..i hate how controlling the fear can be..how overwhelming..how much i have to fight to actually voice what i am thinking or feeling..but i am trying...a year ago i would never had accepted anything more than friendship..and now i am in a relationship and am able to allow someone else into my physical space...i know it takes time and all of that to get past the old stuff...i dont want the old stuff to mess up what i am able to have now..it all gets a bit mixed up at times ..in my head...but i think sarah and love are slowly beginning to win more of the disagreements...yeah im still afraid...this is all new to me..and even though i feel completely stupid for not knowing any of this..how to deal with any of this..or how to even put a name to what i am feeling...its happening all the same..

i have to keep reminding myself..that im not going to be hurt..that its ok...i have to remind myself when the fear becomes overwhelming..or the loneliness comes.. but im not alone anymore...not completely..because where i end..sarah begins..and i think that is th.e way it is supposed to be