still afraid ....

as i sit here..7 in the morning...doing nothing at all but thinking..i am still filled with fear..i feel stuck..and at a complete standstill because i dont know what to do..im afraid of going home..even now...im 30 years old and going home...the thought of going home still reduces me to an almost childlike mind frame...im afraid and anxious and scared..and i feel like crying because im feeling all these things and i dont want to feel them..i have to much to do..but the fear stops me ..and i end up thinking ... overthinking..the tension is back ..not even the medicine helps this one..and i know that..and i know ill need to be careful with the stupid medicine..im not looking for an escape ..i have to remember that..i have to remember to stay present..to not get sucked into playing mind games with her...but i cant relax...over and over i think about anything that might get me in trouble..anything that might cause an argument..did i pack the right things..how do i look..how am i acting...do i sound happy enough..i juts want to lay down and not have to think about it...not have to deal with it..but still the tears come ...the fear..the wanting so much for things to work out..and going home and coming back more broken than when i left...im trying to remind myself that i will have sarah there..and noa..and nia..but still i feel so unprepared..im not ready..i need more time ..crap..maybe i shouldnt have written this morning...at least im allowing the tears this time..i wont cut..even though i want to..i wont hurt myself ..but the skipping meds and not eating is doing the same thing..its just the scars arent visible..i want to be happy..i really do..i want to be thankful and grateful and all of that..and instead i sit here crying because im afraid ..it makes me sad that i still have so many ways to hurt myself without doing it directly...i get scared and the old thoughts come back.and i try to not listen to them..but its over and over..all i hear in my head is how worthless i am..how stupid..that im not good enough..i go through all the times i remember being at home..how many arguments..how many times i managed to get in trouble ..how many times did i get hit or yelled at or ignored..why do i even want to go home..im driving myself crazy with this...i dont need any help being mean to myself..i think ive got that one covered...i am my own worst enemy..i wish i could say that i wasnt feeling suicidal...i wish i didnt want to hurt myself juts to get out of my head for a little bit..and with glaring reality i realize that i dont see alice this week..i talked to kathy yesterday and that helped a little bit ..but yesterday is not today..and yesterday i was crying like i had lost my mind..i dont know what i want or need...everything is just mixed up right now...and i have less than 24 hours to pull it together and get myself under control...the negative thoughts take over and i dont remember why it is that ive worked so hard to not hurt myself..to not cut.. or burn because that is more easily hidden...its been a long time since ive considered the burning...yeah..im not really feeling very capable of anything today..

needing to write for right now ...

im upset..and i know i have a right to  feel how i feel..but im tired and angry and just so pissed off with what is going on...and it makes my head hurt...im trying to stick to the agreement that was made but im not making enough to stick to it..again my fault for thinking i would be able to make more than i thought i was making...and now like everything else i have fallen behind and of course miss i dont care about you and your issues comes along and yells at me on the phone..and im trying to be calm and collected and not react..i am...but i have no one to blame but myself and now there is no record of what i have paid and ill be damned if im paying it again....oh forget it...im tired..this is making my brain hurt...im sad...and im just hurt and stupid ...until this gets behind me..i feel like im juts spending all this time watching my back...-sigh- forget it.

i am afraid...

i realized tonight that thanksgiving, going home, and taking a friend home with me ..is causing a lot of anxiety..im scared that she will end up liking my family more than me..and then want nothing to do with me..or that my mom will treat me like she always treats me and someone else will see it..and my friend will hate me and believe what my mom is saying..and ill be left alone..in general going home is really hard..but realizing that its coming and soon and with all the other stress going on..and i am freaking out..im wanting back the old habits..i want to sleep and hide and go away...i dont want anyone to know that i am going downhill..i dont want to mess up...

im wanting to hide ..and have quiet..and not deal with anything..

the depression is hitting hard..and i have to hide it...always have to hide it..

yesterday

even as i write this i can ffeel anxiety in my shoulders..i can feel the stiffness the pain ..i cant seem to relax and i dont know why..ok maybe the conversation that i had with my friend the other night has be a bit anxious...money and lack there of has me very anxious...moving..the cats..just -sigh- so much going on ... and im trying to ignore it all..and i cant ...i just cant because ignoring it makes it worse..and i end up completely stressed out ...i dont like this..im trying ..ok maybe not as hard as i could be..but im trying arent i?? im working..living...trying to get by...trying to catch up..just freakin trying ... and im just struggling with it all..so very much..

not even writing this is helping right now..so signing off until later on

what do i want..

i want to be with someone who tells me im beautiful
someone that im not scared to be around
someone i feel safe with
someone who wont hurt me
someone who cares about me
loves me
knows me
and still wants to be around me

You can't go through life thinking everyone you meet will one day let you down.

i dont know what i have to offer anyone ... i dont feel that i deserve to be loved..have love..shoot most of the time i struggle with just being friends with a person..forget about love for a sec..im afraid though...that is so vulnerable ... loving someone else...and i want to question it..i want to understand it..it makes me cry because i dont understand..because i am 30 years old and i still dont understand .. why would anyone like me? what have i done to show them i am worth being liked? loved? tolerated? 

but i do want to be loved. i want to be happy..i just want..

maybe i have it wrong though...i keep thinking that i dont deserve love..that i cant have it..that i need to run from it...but i have already been told that she wants more..that she has feelings for me..and no amount of doubt and confusion on my end is changing her mind...maybe the question should be am i willing to accept love...am i willing to put myself out there for someone else and to have whatever it is that we have...

she said she will wait for me...to feel comfortable..that she wont push..but my panic and fear are overriding everything right now...and im afraid to identify what has me so scared...

fear of being different

you know..i wrote that sentence and realize that it is so pointless and so significant all at the same time...its pointless because i am different..because i have been judged by many, including myself..i have been labled and hurt and scorned and forced into things..i have been picked on and bullied to the point of wanting to die..wanting to run away and hide... 

tonight i am talking with a friend and the conversation has turned serious and my thoughts are hitting the usual blocks that i have built up..and the fear comes in...im scared but of what ? like terrified that someone likes me more than a friend..and i cant wrap my head around it...i dont understand it...growing up i didnt have much in the way of feeling like i was liked unless i had something someone else wanted..but she likes me and ive done nothing to make her think im worth anything..i havent done anything that ..i havent done anything to make her think i am anyone special..but she said she liked me..and i knew it was more than juts a hey im your my friend..

but i truly can not wrap my head around it..we talked about it a little bit tonight..and she said that she would wait for me..wait for me to be comfortable with the idea of 'more' ..

i know what i want but i am afraid to make mysself that vulnerable ...i dont want to put myself on the line like that...trusting someone with my feelings completely...trusting that i will not be hurt..that i will be loved and happy...but i am afraid to believe that i can have that..afraid that i dont deserve it..that it will be taken from me...