i really am having a hard time putting into words what it is that is bothering me so much right now....im tired..and wanting to sleep during the day..so i know there is something i am trying to avoid..im sleeping for hours at night..and this is the day time i just want to sleep to be sleep mood i think..and so yes something is up...
but what is it??
stress about moving
stress about being approved for the apartment
paying my rent or letting it go at my current apartment
two possibly sick cats
owing everyone under the sun money
travels and holiday sh!t
worrying about traveling and holidays
trying to keep myself together with the holidays and my own sui feelings that come up
work
paperwork
my mom being all nice and accomadating to someone else..and i feel like im going crazy...
the debt i owe someone
not being able to afford to do a damn thing right now
take your pick...it could be any of those..it could be all ... there is to much to think about...to much to deal with and yes..i want to go to sleep and hide and pretend...
there is so much in my head and im so upset right now because of stuff relating to my mom more than anything else..like yes i have a friend..and for the love of god we are only friends..but she invited her to thanksgiving..and im not stupid..i know why she invited her..and i know her underlying reason for why she invited her..but those i can even let go of...its the simple fact that she is being so nice and accomadating and all of that for my friend..and its like what happened to acting like you cared when i was a kid or when i needed help???where was all of that care and conceern then ??? but now its like ok lets put on a good impression for a friend so that she will have a good time and feel welcomed and all of that..and i feel like a liar..llike my feelings and pain and issues arent valid at all because my mom is now so caring and helpful and nice ..and its like all those years ago..did i make that stuff up??? did i threaten to kill myself and hold the knife to my throat??? no that wasnt me..that was fucking mommy..but no one else seems to remember than...no one at all..and im left out by myself for being ungrateful and selfish and unloveable and just stupid stupid me...she will end up liking my family better than me..and then ill be by myself yet again...
i guess maybe i am forgettable..completely and utterly forgettable
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
overwhelmed..
thats what it is right now..juts flat out am overwhelmed to the point of driving my self crazy..im scared and anxious and worried and did i mention scared and anxious?
as much as i want to back track and start somewhere at the beginning..i think it will be easier to juts start from today and go backwards from here..
today i go to have the second appt at the apartment place where we may be moving..i dont want to go because well i hate moving..i hate packing..im no good at it..im overwhelemed with having to do it alone and figure out how to get it moved and all of that...but im getting the apartment with a friend and so i cant cancel the appt for today...we have worked so freaking hard to get to this place and now i dont want to do it because im scared..because i know how quickly and easily i get overwhelmed when i have to pack and move...but i have to go..i keep telling myself that i have to go
when inside it feels like everything is just floating around..nothing is grounded..nothing at all...ive spent most of the morning juts watching the clock...watching the time go by..knowing i need to get up..and still just laying here afraid to move...i tried juts a little bit to reach out for support but i dont know how to ask for it ..i dont know how to say that im floating around in my head ..and need something to hang on to before i juts get blown away completely...where is the logic in any of that...trying to calm down and i get..im worried about everything possible..logically and illlogically im worried...im just freaking out and trying to stay calm and because of this .silence is winning out..and the need to hide and just think and process become overwhelming..
adding on to that is the fast that my mom has been helping me financially for the past month or so...a lot..and i try not to ask ..i really do..but in the end i had to..and so yes i was able to borrow money..with the understanding that i would be paying it back...the rules on that have changed thoguh..my mom had orginally said dec..but now she says nov..and if im moving in nov ..how in the world am i supposed to be able to pay her and my sister back ? but thats not important to anyone else but me i guess...being behind on everything even with help..has me freaked out..and that is juts on going stress since like sept ... having a debt that i HAVE to pay back that has nothing at all to do with my family has me stressed because that could cause me a lot of additional trouble if i dont pay it back...and so money and finances has me almost in tears on a daily basis right now..im working yes..and have worked all month but because of the job..my checks are behind..so i wont be getting paid until nov..and i know my first check is going to be really low.. but stuff has to be paid..and so its like ok..ive lasted this long on almost nothing..whats a few more weeks...and moving expenses and stuff we need and meds and all of it ..and its all hanging over my head and i dont know what to do to make it stop or make it better and im worried and scared and really wanting to cry...ive worked all month for checks that are already being divided and used for other things...i thought i would have a little more time..but i guess not...
im all out of positive right now that things will work out..i really am...i cant think anymore ..im tired of thinking and worrying and feeling so stressed out...having a lot of trouble with getting grounded today..and i know that going and looking at the apartment and what not is causing a lot of fear and worries..my mom calling and questioning me constantly has me on edge...the faact that i still have to borrow monney from her and what i owe her keeps increasing makes me want to just sit in a corner somewhere an cry..
i feel stuck..things are loud and quiet and messed all up inside..the fear is getting to us..and all i want to do is hide away and not deal with any of it...my head hurts..i spend all day trying to figure out what to do about all of this..where to somehow find extra money or something..i have to figure it out..i juts have to ..and not being able to makes me feel so so so much worse..like i keep failing at all of it..and im trying my hardest and still things are just messed up..and things are getting better..little by little..but all i can seem to see is the stress of everything that is not working out..yet..or isnt able to be fixed yet...
im tired. :(
as much as i want to back track and start somewhere at the beginning..i think it will be easier to juts start from today and go backwards from here..
today i go to have the second appt at the apartment place where we may be moving..i dont want to go because well i hate moving..i hate packing..im no good at it..im overwhelemed with having to do it alone and figure out how to get it moved and all of that...but im getting the apartment with a friend and so i cant cancel the appt for today...we have worked so freaking hard to get to this place and now i dont want to do it because im scared..because i know how quickly and easily i get overwhelmed when i have to pack and move...but i have to go..i keep telling myself that i have to go
when inside it feels like everything is just floating around..nothing is grounded..nothing at all...ive spent most of the morning juts watching the clock...watching the time go by..knowing i need to get up..and still just laying here afraid to move...i tried juts a little bit to reach out for support but i dont know how to ask for it ..i dont know how to say that im floating around in my head ..and need something to hang on to before i juts get blown away completely...where is the logic in any of that...trying to calm down and i get..im worried about everything possible..logically and illlogically im worried...im just freaking out and trying to stay calm and because of this .silence is winning out..and the need to hide and just think and process become overwhelming..
adding on to that is the fast that my mom has been helping me financially for the past month or so...a lot..and i try not to ask ..i really do..but in the end i had to..and so yes i was able to borrow money..with the understanding that i would be paying it back...the rules on that have changed thoguh..my mom had orginally said dec..but now she says nov..and if im moving in nov ..how in the world am i supposed to be able to pay her and my sister back ? but thats not important to anyone else but me i guess...being behind on everything even with help..has me freaked out..and that is juts on going stress since like sept ... having a debt that i HAVE to pay back that has nothing at all to do with my family has me stressed because that could cause me a lot of additional trouble if i dont pay it back...and so money and finances has me almost in tears on a daily basis right now..im working yes..and have worked all month but because of the job..my checks are behind..so i wont be getting paid until nov..and i know my first check is going to be really low.. but stuff has to be paid..and so its like ok..ive lasted this long on almost nothing..whats a few more weeks...and moving expenses and stuff we need and meds and all of it ..and its all hanging over my head and i dont know what to do to make it stop or make it better and im worried and scared and really wanting to cry...ive worked all month for checks that are already being divided and used for other things...i thought i would have a little more time..but i guess not...
im all out of positive right now that things will work out..i really am...i cant think anymore ..im tired of thinking and worrying and feeling so stressed out...having a lot of trouble with getting grounded today..and i know that going and looking at the apartment and what not is causing a lot of fear and worries..my mom calling and questioning me constantly has me on edge...the faact that i still have to borrow monney from her and what i owe her keeps increasing makes me want to just sit in a corner somewhere an cry..
i feel stuck..things are loud and quiet and messed all up inside..the fear is getting to us..and all i want to do is hide away and not deal with any of it...my head hurts..i spend all day trying to figure out what to do about all of this..where to somehow find extra money or something..i have to figure it out..i juts have to ..and not being able to makes me feel so so so much worse..like i keep failing at all of it..and im trying my hardest and still things are just messed up..and things are getting better..little by little..but all i can seem to see is the stress of everything that is not working out..yet..or isnt able to be fixed yet...
im tired. :(
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Sunday, October 27, 2013
i saw a meme today and pretty much it asked what you would say to your yougner self..using two words..and im getting so so angry that i cant think of what i would say..what i would want to hear...so much fear and hurt associated with growing up and being at home and living at home..but i cant think of a single thing to say that feels right..
and cutting it down to two words is ugh frustrating me even more..
its not that i dont have anything to say..its that i dont know how to make it short and to the point..i want to explain..i want to understand..
what would i say to the girl i was ..the girl i dont know..the girl i dont remember?
what was it that i wanted so badly back then? protection? love? help? what was it...
actually two words be darned ... i would tell myself... "you are special" & "you matter"
that is what i would want myself to know back then..that no im not invisible, im not bad or stupid or selfish or crazy...i would want to be able to believe that i am important and special and loved..and that i matter..that someone, somewhere needs me to be alive..to be here...
Sunday, October 20, 2013
guessing i found my breaking point ...
i think everything has piled up to the point of juts being to much to deal with..i want to sleep and just ignore all of it..i want to lay down and forget the world exists...i was doing ok..and i do know the exact moment when i started going down hill and have been unable to pull myself up...
on friday..before i ever talked to mommy..i figured out that there was going to be an issue with the money....i waited as long as i could but in the end i had to tell her...it became my fault...i messed up..i screwed up..and so for that i guess i have to pay..which means that the money she was going to loan me..i didnt get..i got less and was told that i would have to make up the rest ...i have money for a tank of gas...nothing more..i look at my fridge and i could cry right now...actually i could just freaking cry period at how completely messed up things are right now..ive tried and tried since i lost my job at the beginning of sept...tried to keep fighting..tried to figure things out..tried to think of everything possible i could do..and still ...im messing up...im tired of fighting this..im tired of depending on my mom for everything right now..and yes my pride still gets in the way....i refuse to ask for help until its to late...until im already in some whole that i cant get out of ...i dont want to do that..i wish i could just say i need help and what i need..but fear ... shame..guilt..pride...all of it fills my head and instead of asking for help i sit quietly..going over the numbers in my head ..repeatedly thinking of something to do. anything to do that will help...how can i stretch what food i have..how can i keep the cats fed and taken care of...ive never looked at the calendar so freaking much..wishing for the days to hurry up...wishing for next month to come....
i know that for the next few months i will be scarificing heavily...because there is something that has to be paid out of my check each pay period...before i even get around to paying bills and then there is all of the money i owe mommy and nia and rob..that i have to pay back...and so even working and trying to get my hours up..are going to keep me struggling for much longer...
there is still so much to loook at ...yes im working but getting paid wont happen until nov...moving will have to happen in nov...paying bills and all of that will have to happen in nov...my car stuff..my medicine..my cats stuff...all of it has to be put off ...for more and more time..until i can catch up..until i figure out how to catch up...
add in a few more worries for a friend who is struggling and waiting for a bed at the hospital to open up so she can be admitted...im scared and worried for her...and when i was in the hospital with her the other day..it took all i had not to give in and ask to be admitted..i just wanted to be taken care of..for a little bit..except i cant do that...i can never do that..and i will struggle with that issue alone...im a freaking adult and still i cant seem to figure out the real way to self sooth...god i just want a hug..i want someone to tell me its going to be ok..and that its ok to cry...i just want to be held and allowed to break down for a little bit..just for a little while...
im frustrated and scared..and im trying so hard to keep it together..but this weekend..i seem to keep falling apart...im worrying and crying and hiding and fighting ..but for what ?? what is the point..because i dont know anymore...i really dont ...
taji is sick and there is nothing i can do for her until i get paid..im afraid my cats are going to die before i will be able to afford to take them to the vet...
my medical stuff is all out of wack .. my sugar is running to high..i cant afford the healthy food..and right now im eating more junk food than i should..but im cooking when i can..but im still skipping meals too...i have a new meter to keep track..im checking..i am..but even that is becoming to much to deal with..and i dont want to do it..i dont want to know what is wrong anymore..i dont want anything else to be wrong...
just hiding and avoiding the past couple days..i dont have the energy to fight anyone...no energy to yell or defend myself against mommy..there really isnt any point in that at all...i want to take my meds and juts stay in a safe emptiness where i cant be touched..where i cant be hurt...im just tired...
on friday..before i ever talked to mommy..i figured out that there was going to be an issue with the money....i waited as long as i could but in the end i had to tell her...it became my fault...i messed up..i screwed up..and so for that i guess i have to pay..which means that the money she was going to loan me..i didnt get..i got less and was told that i would have to make up the rest ...i have money for a tank of gas...nothing more..i look at my fridge and i could cry right now...actually i could just freaking cry period at how completely messed up things are right now..ive tried and tried since i lost my job at the beginning of sept...tried to keep fighting..tried to figure things out..tried to think of everything possible i could do..and still ...im messing up...im tired of fighting this..im tired of depending on my mom for everything right now..and yes my pride still gets in the way....i refuse to ask for help until its to late...until im already in some whole that i cant get out of ...i dont want to do that..i wish i could just say i need help and what i need..but fear ... shame..guilt..pride...all of it fills my head and instead of asking for help i sit quietly..going over the numbers in my head ..repeatedly thinking of something to do. anything to do that will help...how can i stretch what food i have..how can i keep the cats fed and taken care of...ive never looked at the calendar so freaking much..wishing for the days to hurry up...wishing for next month to come....
i know that for the next few months i will be scarificing heavily...because there is something that has to be paid out of my check each pay period...before i even get around to paying bills and then there is all of the money i owe mommy and nia and rob..that i have to pay back...and so even working and trying to get my hours up..are going to keep me struggling for much longer...
there is still so much to loook at ...yes im working but getting paid wont happen until nov...moving will have to happen in nov...paying bills and all of that will have to happen in nov...my car stuff..my medicine..my cats stuff...all of it has to be put off ...for more and more time..until i can catch up..until i figure out how to catch up...
add in a few more worries for a friend who is struggling and waiting for a bed at the hospital to open up so she can be admitted...im scared and worried for her...and when i was in the hospital with her the other day..it took all i had not to give in and ask to be admitted..i just wanted to be taken care of..for a little bit..except i cant do that...i can never do that..and i will struggle with that issue alone...im a freaking adult and still i cant seem to figure out the real way to self sooth...god i just want a hug..i want someone to tell me its going to be ok..and that its ok to cry...i just want to be held and allowed to break down for a little bit..just for a little while...
im frustrated and scared..and im trying so hard to keep it together..but this weekend..i seem to keep falling apart...im worrying and crying and hiding and fighting ..but for what ?? what is the point..because i dont know anymore...i really dont ...
taji is sick and there is nothing i can do for her until i get paid..im afraid my cats are going to die before i will be able to afford to take them to the vet...
my medical stuff is all out of wack .. my sugar is running to high..i cant afford the healthy food..and right now im eating more junk food than i should..but im cooking when i can..but im still skipping meals too...i have a new meter to keep track..im checking..i am..but even that is becoming to much to deal with..and i dont want to do it..i dont want to know what is wrong anymore..i dont want anything else to be wrong...
just hiding and avoiding the past couple days..i dont have the energy to fight anyone...no energy to yell or defend myself against mommy..there really isnt any point in that at all...i want to take my meds and juts stay in a safe emptiness where i cant be touched..where i cant be hurt...im just tired...
Sunday, October 13, 2013
changes are making me feel out of place....
things are changing...yes i am fully aware of that..i am stable most days...trying to replace the negative with positive..working to keep hang on the negative thoughts..to remember that i am ok and will be ok and that the hard times will pass...
and at the same time..i find myself annoyed with some of the places i visit online..just that it seems im not on the same level as them anymore..im not constantly in crisis..im not feeling suicidial..im not actively cutting or hurting myself...yes i still have some things to work on yes..but sometimes..i just dont know..
im beginning to once again feel like im not fitting in..that im just hovering somewhere between managing and being okay..will the good days outweigh the not so good ones...
im taking my meds..im seeing my doc..im trying to deal with my life and do what i need to do..and i trying to let go of everything else...i want things to be different...i want to be happy and find happiness..and i am afraid..but i want it so so badly..im trying to understand that it is possible for me to be happy..with myself..and with my life...i want it to be happy..safe...protected...
now i wonder about the future more than i wonder about the past..the fear and hurt and pain is there but it gets a little bit smaller each day...im talking about it...honestly.. for me..i dont think i need to hash out everything in the past...deal with it and let it go...and that i think is something i have been doing without therapy in all honesty...
but i am afraid of being better..im afraid of losing the support..im afraid that i will e left to care for myself with no support at all ...
i dont know
and at the same time..i find myself annoyed with some of the places i visit online..just that it seems im not on the same level as them anymore..im not constantly in crisis..im not feeling suicidial..im not actively cutting or hurting myself...yes i still have some things to work on yes..but sometimes..i just dont know..
im beginning to once again feel like im not fitting in..that im just hovering somewhere between managing and being okay..will the good days outweigh the not so good ones...
im taking my meds..im seeing my doc..im trying to deal with my life and do what i need to do..and i trying to let go of everything else...i want things to be different...i want to be happy and find happiness..and i am afraid..but i want it so so badly..im trying to understand that it is possible for me to be happy..with myself..and with my life...i want it to be happy..safe...protected...
now i wonder about the future more than i wonder about the past..the fear and hurt and pain is there but it gets a little bit smaller each day...im talking about it...honestly.. for me..i dont think i need to hash out everything in the past...deal with it and let it go...and that i think is something i have been doing without therapy in all honesty...
but i am afraid of being better..im afraid of losing the support..im afraid that i will e left to care for myself with no support at all ...
i dont know
Wednesday, October 09, 2013
Things are definitely changing.
things are changing...im hoping for the better. i really am...
i started my new job this week..found a possible apartment place that accepts 3 cats and is incredibly affordable! got my car stuff handled, and will be making money again soon. well in a month. but you get the idea.
i saw my therapist yesterday and had an interesting conversation with her. about how i am doing ..progressing, gaining more confidence..and it was embarrassing..but for once..i did not fight her on it. i did not argue with her or go against what she was saying. i actually almost completely accepted it. after the holidays we will be talking about whether or not i will be continuing therapy...and i think that all things considered..i may stop therapy for a while..see how it goes...i want to hit my one year mark with my current therapist..well my one year mark for no s/i...i just gotta make it to january 1st...and if things go the way im wanting them to go...everything will start looking up by that time next year also...ill be able to save and have a roommate who i actually like and get to keep both taji and bounce! i am worried about the apartment stuff a little bit...but also excited too...im trying not to worry and juts wait and see how things will play out..but well the worry is there all the same..i mean i want a new start..a fresh start..a place that will allow me to have peace of mind..and be able to have fun and not worry..that is what i want..well i want taji and bounce too ..and even emerson.who is sarahs cat..i think there will be a fit to see which cat sleeps the most...bounce or emerson...and then comes the little stuff like making sure the cats see the vet before moving..as i want them groomed completely..im trying to figure out what i want to do with my furniture..or lack there of lol...i dont think i really want much out of my apartment..furniture wise...but i say that and its like ..umm where am i going to get a bed from then?!?! im getting ahead of myself majorly.. -breathe- ok first gotta get the apartment...and well that may not be as straightforward as i want it to be..i dont mind them running my credit..shoot ill tell the guy i have sucky credit..but i dont want my job to be the thing that makes us not get approved...thinking that makes me feel really sad..because i want this so much and im not sure if my information will help or hinder things...i really dont want this to mess up..i know there are ways around having my credit run and all of that..but i have to talk to sarah about it and see how she feels..i think if we put both of the applications in..and let them run them and then say whether or not mine passed through would be a starting place...if mine doesnt..then maybe sarah can allow on her own for the apartment and i can just do the notary thing that says im helping her finacially to make up the rest of the money..and of course the bills would still be split of course..but yeah..gotta start somewhere...and i need to find my birth certificate.. we will need a couch lol..a table..chairs ..suddenly my lack of furniture is glaring its ugly head ..blah..of course im worried about furniture at a time like this!
but yes so many things are changing..it is slightly scary..i almost cried today when i realized i was able to pay my rent...really almost cried..
ive been good this week and am taking my meds like im supposed too...trying not to take the night one to early..but i am sleepy and want to go to sleep..but if i go to sleep now ill be awake at midnight..and that wont be helpful at all .
guess that means i will have to keep myself busy this evening...fun times
i started my new job this week..found a possible apartment place that accepts 3 cats and is incredibly affordable! got my car stuff handled, and will be making money again soon. well in a month. but you get the idea.
i saw my therapist yesterday and had an interesting conversation with her. about how i am doing ..progressing, gaining more confidence..and it was embarrassing..but for once..i did not fight her on it. i did not argue with her or go against what she was saying. i actually almost completely accepted it. after the holidays we will be talking about whether or not i will be continuing therapy...and i think that all things considered..i may stop therapy for a while..see how it goes...i want to hit my one year mark with my current therapist..well my one year mark for no s/i...i just gotta make it to january 1st...and if things go the way im wanting them to go...everything will start looking up by that time next year also...ill be able to save and have a roommate who i actually like and get to keep both taji and bounce! i am worried about the apartment stuff a little bit...but also excited too...im trying not to worry and juts wait and see how things will play out..but well the worry is there all the same..i mean i want a new start..a fresh start..a place that will allow me to have peace of mind..and be able to have fun and not worry..that is what i want..well i want taji and bounce too ..and even emerson.who is sarahs cat..i think there will be a fit to see which cat sleeps the most...bounce or emerson...and then comes the little stuff like making sure the cats see the vet before moving..as i want them groomed completely..im trying to figure out what i want to do with my furniture..or lack there of lol...i dont think i really want much out of my apartment..furniture wise...but i say that and its like ..umm where am i going to get a bed from then?!?! im getting ahead of myself majorly.. -breathe- ok first gotta get the apartment...and well that may not be as straightforward as i want it to be..i dont mind them running my credit..shoot ill tell the guy i have sucky credit..but i dont want my job to be the thing that makes us not get approved...thinking that makes me feel really sad..because i want this so much and im not sure if my information will help or hinder things...i really dont want this to mess up..i know there are ways around having my credit run and all of that..but i have to talk to sarah about it and see how she feels..i think if we put both of the applications in..and let them run them and then say whether or not mine passed through would be a starting place...if mine doesnt..then maybe sarah can allow on her own for the apartment and i can just do the notary thing that says im helping her finacially to make up the rest of the money..and of course the bills would still be split of course..but yeah..gotta start somewhere...and i need to find my birth certificate.. we will need a couch lol..a table..chairs ..suddenly my lack of furniture is glaring its ugly head ..blah..of course im worried about furniture at a time like this!
but yes so many things are changing..it is slightly scary..i almost cried today when i realized i was able to pay my rent...really almost cried..
ive been good this week and am taking my meds like im supposed too...trying not to take the night one to early..but i am sleepy and want to go to sleep..but if i go to sleep now ill be awake at midnight..and that wont be helpful at all .
guess that means i will have to keep myself busy this evening...fun times
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)