no si

i went to the store today...and after last night the intent to cut was strong.well it was strong last night...this morning i wasnt really thinking about it...im trying not to give in...im trying to figure this all out.the needs and wants and all of it..and yes i wanted to hurt last night..i truly did...but i went to the store today. and picked up razors for shaving but not just plain blades for cutting..i didnt even realize until tonight that i didnt even look for them in the store...yes i am feeling down still...lonely..bored..tired..on edge..worried..scared...so many things.....everything is weighing heavily on me right now...and im not sure how to get the overwhelming emotions out...i dont know...but im close to almost 10 months without the s.i...major si...recently i find myself picking at my fingers...i may have purged a couple times in the past ten months..and well taking meds incorrectly happens like two or three times a month...but i am trying...im still trying

depression is creeping in ...

right now im trying to remember if i actually did take my medicine this morning ..and im pretty sure that i did..even if i did spend most of the day asleep and well not dealing with anything in life..i think i wanted to sleep..i did forget that the trazodone knocks me out for a good long while..but yeah i also knew taking as much as i did..that it would effect me the next day..but oh well..i wanted to sleep and i did...

the events of the past few weeks are wearing on me..mind and body..i am tired..i want to give up..i want to give in...tonight i ran across a picture of self injury scars and out of nowhere the desire to hurt came up fast and strong...i missed it..i want the pain..the escape...i just want something to make my heart stop hurting..something to make me forget just how hopeless and lonesome things are feeling right now...and i would..i really would but going home this upcoming week is the only thing really stopping me..and that is not a firm no i am not going to do it kind of stopping..no it is simply i dont want to be questioned or condemned...yes i could hide it..but where i want to cut will be unhideable..at least from mommy...and im just not up for a conversation about that right now...so im writing instead..and listening to music...i want to work on collages ..im actually feeling the need to get my books out again and actually work on something..the thoughts are feelings are filling my head..and the outlook is bleak..i want a distraction.i want something..anything to take my mind off of how hopeless i am feeling..and trying to deal with it alone and stay safe when im almost ready to admit myself to the hospital..again a couple things stop me...and im forced to stay somewhat safe and deal with myself..and i dont want to..i just want to sit down and cry and scream at how messed up things are...it makes me tired ... and each day i get a little more tired...a little more isolated..a little more shut down...and i get lost in the thoughts of wanting to end it all. of knowing that i could is the scary thing.  knowing that this is a place i dont want to be in weighs heavily on my mind.  i dont want to deal with people.  i dont want to be around anyone or talk to anyone.  i want to turn my phone off an ignore everything.  how long would it take for someone to even notice that i have compeltely shut myself off from everything and everyone?  that i am hiding in my apartment, just falling apart and pretending to keep it together for the sake of everyone else who does talk to me...im supposed to be strong..brave...able to deal with this little set back and move on..but i feel so alone..i want to explain so bad about what happened and why and i cant...just another secret to keep to myself...and to again work to prove that i am not the scum of the earth right now...i realized my mistake..i have owned up to my mistake...and still i am judged and exiled all at the same time.

so i have gone quiet...everything is to much to deal with..i can barely handle my daily tasks of getting out of bed and taking a shower..putting on clean clothes..all of it is to hard right now...and i am spending a lot of time just looking at the walls of my bedroom or sleeping to ignore the hurt and sadness that i am currently experiencing...

i dont know what to do..i dont know how to manage myself or my thoughts right now....silence is all i have..

im am just tired

and by tired i mean i am frustrated and overwhelmed and just feeling sad...mornings are hard right now...my lack of funds is hard right nowand im to ashamed to even tell mommy the true amount of what i need...it wouldnt make an differencee..i know she doesnt have it..and what she does have to give me i cant even get to because my account is already overdrawn...things are just ..things are juts overwhelming right now...

update on life...

it has been a while since i have written..not for lack of trying..but just feeling so overwhelmed and upset that writing and being able to get anything out was so much harder...but today i guess i am feeling more like writing...im feeling calmer ..more settled today...i have focus again..i have things beginning to come together...nothing is set in stone yet but things are at least moving forward and not backwards again...but i guess i should start at the beginning.

which i guess was like 3 weeks ago...the week i left to see my sister..things kinda bagan to fall apart..and it started with a work issue..things at my sisters was fine really..i enjoyed being there and being able to see Noa and play with her..and besides being a little sick and annoying ..it was a good visit..i hope i am able to go back and see them again for a couple days..but i will see how that goes..

but while i was away a work issue came up..well it came to the notice of my supervisors..and then pretty much all hell broke lose...and looking back i can see the boundary issues quite clearly...i messed up..and in telling the truth about the situation..i lost my job..which turned into a huge huge downward spiral for me..it was like one thing after another...but in all honesty as much as it hurts that i dont have a job..i didnt have a job..i began looking immediately for another one...and well i have found another job...hopefully will be starting in the next week or so..if not..then i will just have to deal with it like i am ..like i have been... i am so grateful for the people who have stuck by me and listened to me crying and feeling hopeless and defeated and stupid for what happened...my whole life changed in an instant..and now i am being careful..im learning from what happened..and trying to move past it...yes i was in the wrong and i can, will and have accepted that..and so i will do what i can to rectify the situation as i move on from it.

I really have been plagued with worry the past few weeks..juts about everything..jobs, money, bills, medicine, suicide, cutting, purged just once..in the past three or so weeks...and ive been picking at my fingers again...and sometimes i juts dont want to get out of bed..i dont want to deal with the world or anyone in it..im so tired..tired of trying and fighting and being pushed back and making mistakes and struggling...maybe that it is..im juts tired of struggling to deal with it all..and i want to give up...but i cant give up..and so i am using all my dang coping skills and trying hard to remember that the not so good feelings will pass..and they do pass..but it takes a while..and i spend a lot of time alone and crying or thinking about dying or how to destroy myself...im relearning just how creative i can be..but thinking about it and acting on it is not the same thing. i dont want to die..i dont. i have come to far. and that is a very very hard thing to admit..and writing this makes me want to cry to because sometimes not wanting to die gets mixed up in my head and everything hurts and i have such a bleak outlook that dying or hurting myself seems more and more like a good idea...but ive made it 9 months without cutting...i am working so so hard to not go backwards on that one...the purging ill deal with..because it comes and goes..but yeah..no where near where i was a year ago..and that was when things were freaking working out i guess.  interesting how things change ..

in the midst of all of this..i met a friend..and i say friend because that is what it is now..she is my friend..someone i have come to trust and rely on and she makes me laugh. and i just like hanging out with her...she is different from anyone else i have ever met. she actually started the conversation between the two of us...and it has grown very quickly...we see each other 2 or so times a week and just hang out..or go out ..watch movies .. and eat sugar and play with either my cats or her cat.  her being in a wheelchair does not change anything at all .. and i think i knew that from the beginning..but i know that being out with her makes me feel protective in a way..like i dont want her to get hurt because ppl can be so senseless and stupid at times...but she is strong too..she does a lot for herself and she has a super awesome gigantic unicorn in her apartment lol..yeah it is the little things in life..she was/is supportive when i was struggling and afraid and scared..oh and we do talk online or text like everyday..i dont think there has been a day that i havent talked to her..since being in town and everything..but for now we are both in agreement that the friend stage is good .. it is not scary to me..im not afraid when i am with her..

which brings me to the next set up plans that have come up.  with me not having a job my income is like at zero right now. and so i know in all honesty that i will most likely be evicted from my apartment at the end of oct...and yes i did spend a couple days completely flipping out about that..and just wanting to give up...it took me a little while to figure out that yes i might be evicted..but i have a month give or take before that happens..and i dont have to sit around and do nothing...i have talked to my sister..and i even talked to mommy today about it..and she didnt freaking yell at me! but listened..when i told her my plan...i talked to my friend about it to and we are going to look for a place together..the two of us and 3 cats ..yep that will be interesting to say the least..but maybe i am a little tired of living alone..and having someone i am comfortable living with would make it easier..and of course allow for saving money and all of that good stuff..so we are both looking for places now..calling around..because of course it has to be affordable and handicap accessible...so we will see how it goes..but it will work out...thats what she tells me and that is what i tell her. we are in this together we have decided. and so it is going a day at a time.

mommy told me today that she would help me with getting my car stuff taken care of..which means a trip home..my birthday was yesterday and well my license is now expired and so i have to get it renewed and all of that good stuff...the bargain..because yes this is still my mom.is that i stay for a couple days or something..not like i have plans or anything...but i refuse to tell her that i have lost my job...its not her business and i am sticking to that..i let her know that this upcoming month is going to be bad money wise.. and i need to find a way to get money and well get money kinda fast...ive exhausted every loan option i have..i dont know what to do expect sell some stuff..and well gotta let go of the pride piece..i need to stop my account from being overdrawn and that means well doing everything i can to get some cash ... legal stuff of course...and because i dont want to owe anyone else money that i cant pay back...but i still have bills you know..so gotta do what i need to do..which i keep telling myself .

i am back to weekly therapy..im being good and taking my meds..im talking and asking for support..

even with everything going on..i was able to have an awesome birthday. and I will forever be grateful to Terry, Travis, Sarah, Adri and Alice for giving me so so much that allowed me to have fun and have a good birthday.  My sister and her husband gave me an early birthday party..and yesterday i did my one selfish activity that the T Alice told me to do..i celebrated my birthday by myself and that was ok..i did what i wanted to do.  and i had a peaceful weekend.

i turned 30 yesterday...an age i never ever thought i would see..but i have made it..i am alive..i an beginning to live..i still need that time to myself to kinda just think and be away from people..but i am branching out..i am going out and doing stuff...

so this is where i will be starting at this week...getting the rest of the needed info for my new job turned in..planning on when to start work and when i will be eligible to start work..looking into apartments..taking care of myself..and well continuing to take it a day at a time...i cant go any farther than that right now...and i have to be okay with that...

whatever liar said the truth will set you free is the biggest asshole in the world.  the truth hasnt ever done anything but cause me trouble..and now i am in trouble...big enough trouble that it is ruining my day..my week..my month...my next few months...will be ruled by this mistake that i have made and let happen...yes it is my fault completely..yes i have to take responsibilty and deal with the consequences of paying the money back...thankfully its not some massive amount ..but i mean 2500 is a lot of money..and money that i dont freaking have...

but as much as i want this to mess me up and have me feeling depressed and suicidal and all sorts of things..i wont ..finding and keeping my job is important....and if it is the last thing i do..i will fight for my job...and do what i need to do..

and so right now that means getting up and getting out of bed and finishing what i planned to do today..so that i can start getting back to work...aas quickly as i can..that is what is important...

angry

right now i think i am angry about a lot of different things..but mostly right now i am angry about this post i saw on fb...there was a story in the news a few days ago about an 8yr old who had died after being married to 40 yr old man..who proceeded to have ssex with her...the end result..the 8yr old ends up in the hospital and later dies from internal injuries..i am angry..im horrified..hurt..and scared because this happens every single day..and marriage is not a part of it..age is not a part of it..race..heritiage..where you live..flying fuck..no of that freaking matters...being a child these days makes no sense to me...when i was a child..things made no sense to me..i was told to obey..i was told to listen...when i did obey and listen and not refuse..i was hurt...and then i just made it okay..i made it my fault..i made it all about me..i was wrong..i should have known better..i ..me..i ..me..never ever them...never...i was not forced into marriage as a child ..no...but the culture in 3d world countries use that practice still...children are sold like cattle..hurt and forced and left to a life that is not fair and becomes all they know..

i happened to run across a post on fb relating to the article..and i understand free speech.i understand that people are able to say what they want to say..and it doesnt really matter who gets angry in the process...but how in the hell do you describe how to have sex the correct way with a child??? how do you say you have done it? that you enjoy it? that you are experienced?  not once was blame placed on the 40 yr old man...but the child is dead..and that will be the fucking end of it...who will remember her??? who will tell her story??

this world is majorly fucked up..

i think i may take my meds early and just go to bed....im very triggered ..and not in control right now....

mushy mood

this is a mood that i am not used to at all..wanting to be aroudn someone ... not a parent figure type deal.but someone my age..someone who i am comfortable with..someone who just lets me ramble on about everything and nothing..i think about her when im not around her..and i enjoy talking to her during the day..so far we are sorta averaging seeing each other and hanging out a couple times a week..to kinda keep things going slow and steady..and without becoming overwhelming...she listens to me when i am struggling..which is a lot lately..and i want to be there for her..i try not to overstep boundaries and not do everything for her..but i watch..and notice when she does need help with something..

sidenote..the elevators in that building stink!!!!!!!!!!! ok random note over

i miss her and i just saw her..how is that possible ?  she makes me smile..and i am calm around her..

again this is something that is so far out of my comfort zone i dont know what to do with it..but the feelings/emotions are there..and im trying hard not to fight them..and push them away..

trying hard to not over react...

but i am over reacting..my anxiety and worrys are going overboard ..majorly..and im scared...so so so scared and worried..and afraid of what in the world i am going to do with myself and my stuff..will i be able to find another job ? will i have to move?  will i be able to keep my cats ? all going through my head..over and over and over ...and i dont know what in the heck to do...im applying for jobs..i am..but even  that is overwhelming..and i am going downhill fast...i dont want to be bothered..i just want to lay in bed and not have to deal with anything or anyone at all...yes i talked to a few people..but im the one that is looking at everything changing ..and changing fast...if i dont find a job by the end of the month..i am screwed...and im scared...and fighting hard to stay safe...but every day im wearing down just a little bit...i want the empty oblivion that the cutting will give me..i dont care..i want to hurt..i want to die..i want to scream and disappear and just..i dont know...i give up..

suicide awareness week/month...first draft

suicide...a subject i know intimately...and also a subject that is so taboo I am ashamed to ever admit that i have even considered the thought of killing myself.  I have thought about it, planned it, prepared for it.  I thought I wanted a way out of my life, I wanted a way to stop the pain.  There were times I had given up, I was hopeless, and felt that the world would be a better place without me. I hurt all the time, physically, mentally, emotionally and I just could not understand why no one saw me the way I saw myself.  I told myself I was worthless, nothing, a waste of space.  I did everything I could to hurt myself, to quiet the thoughts, because I had believed that if I managed to hurt myself then I was finding the balance. I was making it okay and still managing to refrain from acting on the thoughts of killing myself.

I had a plan, I have had multiple plans, overdose, cutting, car accident.  I refused to act on them only because I had to be positive it would work.  I did not want to wake up in the hospital from a failed attempt.  I had a time frame, at first I didnt plan to make it out of high school, and when I did I was actually upset with myself.  I didnt plan to finish college, but I did that too.  Then I focused on which birthday I wanted to end it by. Would I make it to 24, 25, 30, 35? No amount of therapy, medication, talking to anyone was going to change my mind.  I had a plan, and I knew that with enough time I would be able to make it work.  i would die and that would be the end. I wanted the pain, the fear, and the hurting to stop and I did not know of any other way to allow that to happen.

I will be turning 30 in 2 weeks.  I am still alive. I am in therapy, I take my medication, I actually am talking to my therapist and learning to ask for help and comfort when I am struggling.  It is not easy at all, it has not been easy to deal with the thoughts for so long that I do not remember when they started.  They happen less now, the thoughts come and go, but I am no longer sitting on the edge of my life and wondering what it will take for me to go through with it.  Sometimes I felt like a failure because all I wanted to do was die, and I couldn't do it.  It has taken a lot of therapy to understand that wanting to die, and wanting the pain to stop are two very different things. I am learning that feeling bad, depressed, hopeless, none of it lasts forever.  They come and go with how my life is going and that thinking before acting impulsivly has saved my life more times than I can probably count.

I am not sure what message it is that I want to get across with writing this.  I am afraid that by sharing, I will be judged and labeled very quickly.  I am supposed to be normal and happy, not depressed and suicidal. I work, I live my life, I am finding things that make me happy, and help control the thoughts. Wanting to end my life is no longer the overwhelming thought anymore. I had to learn my triggers and do my best to avoid or work through them. I have not followed through on my plans to die, and as my birthday approaches, I realize that maybe being alive is much more meaningful.  By keeping myself alive, I can help others and let them know they are not alone.

breathe

for the love of all things good...BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!

im nervous..like super duper jump out of my skin nervous..and ugh i dont know what to do with myself...im trying hard not to take any meds cas they will put me to sleep..but my head is going a mile a minute and i am worried and scared and nervous..and i dont know..wondering if my apartment is ok..if there is something i forgot to do..did i get enough snacks if needed..and having a 3rd person here too is hard...but will manage..i think the waiting is making it a little bit worse..but if i could juts calm down...

i dont even know what to wear!!

comfortable..dressy...we are going to be sitting in my house..and i dont really want to get all dressed up..but in my nervousness i want to look presentable...ugh..this is so hard..i dont know what im doing .. i really dont ..and now i just want to cry for being so .for not knowing how to do this...

so maybe im not mad at alice..

but to write this down ... med change at the pharmacy again...ugh...hopefully i dont react badly to it again..i would rather not go back to how things were just a couple months ago...no thank you...

but ive been thinking...sorta about therapy on tuesday..what i remember of it anyway..abd of course alice is right ..but i get mad at her for being right..for telling me that it is my choice in stuff..i dont want it to be my choice..i want her to tell me what to do...and then i would hate her for telling me...my meds have been a little bit messed up the past few days and i can tell i am feeling more down than i have been..and ive been getting a lot of headaches ..in the afternoon/evening...like today...

im getting off track..

freakin a.ive now forgotten what it is that i was going to write about ...i dont remember...

i know this weekend is going to be a little busy..like im actually going to have real company..like real my age company..along with my 4 yr old ..but that is ok...i have to like clean my apartment majorly..

its so different having someone my age to talk to..and not being completely afraid and on edge...today was different though cas her aide was there..and that does make me more nervous..just cas its someone i dont know..but well...will have to get used to that...

oh im gonna sstart making to do lists for the day...an the week..i think having the structure will help me actually get things done..and maybe stop me from laying in bed so much...we will see..i want to go and get a new notebook from barnes and nobles but that will be expensive...i may hit up the back to school aisles tomorrow and ssee if i can find a good notebook..that wont fall apart!  and i van use it to keep up with my therapy stuff..cas i forget what i tell her...essh...

but head is hurting majorly right now...so going to lay down for a bit..

im sleepy

crashed majorly last night...but i dont think i slept well... i dont know...

but im tired..very very tired..essh

im mad at alice....i think

sometimes i think alice wants to get a rise out of me ....

i think im mad at her

but i cant even figure out what it is that i am mad about..

once again the question is given to me...what do i want?  what am i willing to work for?

already the nervousness and fear about the holidays is creeping in..and i know this..and i know i have to be more vigilent..more careful...stay away from things that i know are a trigger...but i cant escape the next few months...between now and new years...i want to hold it together..i really do..but im afraid ill fall apart...and then i wont need mommy to tell me im useless...ill know im freaking useless..

i feel stupid ....

tonight for whatever reason the negative thoughts are eating away at me...about everything..about nothing..about what in the crap i am doing ..and if i am juts once again setting myself up to be hurt in the long run...

i so badly want to experience life..to have love and comfort and support..to be able to be myself without being afraid .. to feel safe

but i dont know what i want either...and that makes me feel stupid and upset and like im ready to cry...becuase i feel like it should be so simple..you find someone you like..you get to know them..things evolve as they will..but i am making it hard..and im starting to analyze...starting to reject myself again..because im crazy and stupid and selfish..and mommy told me that no one would ever love me...she told me that i am to selfish for love...what if she is right ?  what if im destined to be alone for the rest of my life...maybe i just need to get used to the idea..and stop trying to have things be different..

silence is my friend
love is the enemy

fear is a strange strange thing...

you know how when you have done something and gotten caught..that you over react...that you are loud and angry and crying and whatever..to cover up what you have done....

the interesting thing...is that nope ..it is the other person who is angry and demanding and accusing...not me...i am calm and well ok im anxious..but im not going to start pointing fingers...

i am not a child and i will not act like one..just to satisfy the need for this other person to feel superior or whatever...

so i will deal with today..and the little meeting that is going to be happening....

and the outcome ... well the outcome may cause a lot of different things to happen...i cant do anything but wait and see...

i am afraid though...and tired...and worried...very very worried....but i will see this through to the end...i have too....my freaking job could be at stake..ugh...

sad ..but not sad either...

after spending a week and a half with my sister and one month old niece..i do believe i am craving quietness...but at the same time im lonely without them...suddenly my apartment is way to quiet...and im not sure what to do with myself..i miss them..but im glad to be homee...i missed taji and bounce..and im glad to have my space back and everything...


the time away was good...relaxing a bit..busy too...wont talk about my eating while gone..essh...yeah wont get into that at all !!  i mean it could have been worse..

and i think im nervous about tomorrow...blah...im not sure if i will be going to therapy tomorrow or not...like i have a work issue that is causing me a lot of stress right now..and im trying to figure out what to do...i want to be able to be calm and collected and im worrying a lot so im gonna stop for now...
anxiety is winning out tonight..