just sad...and invisible

feeling sad and invisible today....

wanting to hide but will be forcing myseslf to go out...

one little thought...one little doubt...

it is interesting how one simple little thought can bring on an avalanche of other thoughts..a downwatd spiral as alice like to say...but what has triggered these thoughts??? what happened that i am suddenly not so okay and feeling incredibly sad and vulnerable..and thinking negative things..??

what happened ?? i was happy..i was feeling happy and calmer and had gotten hugs..i left dinner with heather in a good place...on the drive home..i started to think..to analyze our conversation..and slowly...ever so slowly how i was feeling changed.suddenly im no longer feeling so happy..and im sad...im thinking about sad things...i want to feel safe and protected and those are feelings that i only get sometimes..around some people and certainly not with myself..but with heather and kathy and alice and courtney and jessica...for little bits of time i am able to feel safe..and cared for..and then i leave them and its like a hole opens back up inside me..and the yearning for safety and comfort because overwhelming...i cant seperate out the reality  from the fiction..and that is where i am currently stuck...wanting her and not able to have her makes me upset...angry almost..hating that she was able to give comfort for a short period of time and then she is gone.and i am alone again..sometimes i dont think i do so well alone...not as well as i allow people to think...i am so starved for physical comfort that juts getting a little bit amps up the desire for more..instead of leaving me in a more peaceful place..while im with the person..i am at peace..but once that safety is gone..i crash and crash hard..and suddenly the lonely is worse..the aloneness is worse..everything feels bigger and overwhelming and tiring...and i just want...i just want more..these are the times that i notice just how badly it is that i want a parent..i want to be loved..taken care of ..kept safe..and i dont have it...i dont get it...not enough..not often enough at all... :(

how do you present?

for me physically looking put together means a lot...it hides a lot..and i dont stand out..clean clothes..neat..nice ... nothing that stands out...nothing that can seperate me from everyone else...

but talking with someone tonight...

and i realizze that it is another method of hiding...of working to not be noticed...

looking at me ..no you cant see the scars or the sadness...you cant hear the negative thinking, or the wanting and believing that it is ok to hurt myself or kill myself..you cant hear the hate..or feel how badly the urges can become..

no..i am just another girl, a woman, a sister, a friend..im no one special..and there is nothing remarkable about me at all...

but i have mental illnesses, i work, i pay bills, i live, i hide, i avoid, i laugh, i smile,  i engage, there are so many different aspects to me...but they are all hidden inside of me..behind the mask i wear that can not be taken off...to be vulnerable is to get hurt..to love means to be hurt..

i dont want to be hurt anymore..im tired of being hurt..but i dont know who i am either...i dont know how not to hide behind the mask..how not to pretend...how to be okay when i am falling apart at the seams..its all pretend..a game..a trick..i hide behind the mask..i hide in the silence..and i hide in the avoidance of eye contact...i dont know how else to protecct myself and so i hide..and pretend...and like my blog says..

i pass for normal...every single day..im passing for normal..while im breaking down..hurt, sad, confused, angry, happy, sad, tearful, disappointed...

there are so many parts of me...but so few know this...so few know how to see...maybe there is no real me left..im just a made up part of myself...the broken pieces that were put back together the wrong way..there are missing pieces, broken pieces, crushed pieces..no..i no longer fit together at all..but together is how i pretend...together is how i get by...

i guess i learned that growing up...if you dont as if anything is wrong...then nothing is wrong..and you are passed over again and again and again..until you begin to believe that nothing is wrong too..and you carry the blame for everything..but as long as no one can see...as long as no one knows what questions to ask in order to break through the walls..there is only what you present...and what you present says a lot about you...because in the end...how you present is all anyone will remember...

low key sorta day

today has been a super low key day...good just quiet...as we did need some alone time..but t went well today..and am finding i am able to talk to her more and more without freaking out and having to have her stop me and get me to breathe and calm down..but yes..its a good and quiet day.

nothing

i just dont fit in ... not crazy enough..not sane enough...not anything at all ...

really needing to do a head dump....

there is so much on my mind right now..and i am struggling i think to manage and figure out what it going on..im tired ...so so tired..but also worked up and frustrated and wanting to go to sleep...i think im just i dont know..on overload and not able to have time to decompress correctly or whatever..because there has been a work issue going on all day long..and im doing what i can to help..but in the end..the ultimate decision is not mine to make..and im concerned because again..there is physical harm, fear, etc, and then the constant talking on the phone and what not ..would she go back a third time?  really go back again ?  im trying to be supportive and helpful and doing what i can inorder to help and be helpful and i feel like im just failing at it..

i called a client this evening to confirm the time she has for an appointment tomorrow..and seeing her in the afternoon...since that was a major concern for her last week..she gets pissed off at me and tells me all this crap..and so i did my own planning and finding things out...i called both of her doctors and left them messages asking to confirm the appointment times and what not..im done with this person..i am ..and maybe it is showing..i dont know... im just tied and getting depressed and ugh

Another year gone..

To my dear sister Nicole.

Another year as passed and I have taken down the candle I had for you.  Tomorrow is the day to officially say goodbye but i want to say it now...i want to get my thoughts out but i dont know what to say.  i love you. i miss you. i hope you are happy in heaven.  You are always my sister, here and there. I will not forget you.