FUCK IT

BLOODY FUCKING HELL I NEED MY DAMN HEADPHONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IM SO PISSED OFF AT EVERYTHING NOW..EVERYTHING AND NOTHING AND I WNT TO GO HOME AND SLEEP. SCREW WORK...SCREW LIFE...SCREW ALL THIS SHIT

I CANT IGNORE THE WORLD WHEN IT IS SLIPPING INTO MY EARS AND I CANT BLOCK IT OUT.. FUCK FUCK FUCK

INSERT SURVIVAL MODE NOW..CAS DAMNIT TO HELL I WANT TO SCREAM AT EVERYONE ..

BITE ME


IM MAD AT HAVING TO BE UP THIS MORNING IM AMAD AT THE STUPID PAPERWORK IM MAD TO BE MAD. IM ANGRY IM UPSET IM BORED AND IM BROKE.  FREAKING FUCKERS

where has my life gone ??

I am upset right now..and trying hard to keep it together and maybe this will help since i am not at home and all i want to do is go home...

therapy was a lot today...a lot of thinking and trying to remember...and i cant remember and it is so upsetting..and hurts so much that i dont know my own life..that i dont remember my own life..that i cant place ages on anything that happened..that all i remember is the fear and hurt and sadness and just praying so hard to just die and be set free...that was what i wanted...really that was all i wanted and nothing else ...but i dont know why..i can guess and speculate ..and i will prolly be accurate but what proof do i have?  what is going to make all of this make sense??

forget it

fear/safety/outings

so im supposed to be working on this thing for therapy..trying to pinpoint what it is that happens to me when i am out in crowded places or something..what is it that scares me or makes it hard for me to manage..andd i just want to say screw it ..i dont know..leave me alone..but i know that is just my highly pissed off mood talking right now..and that this is really more iimportant than i am currently willing to give it credit for..so i need to calm down and think for a little bit..and then i can go back to being pissed off ...

ill give an example first since this just happened.

i went to the bingo thing with a client...a group activity..but an expectation ..so i couldn't get out of going ..although i did not want to be there at all... but i go and thankfully its not as crowded as it has been...but still it is more people than i feel comfortable with...so immediately eye contact goes away..im afraid and so i cant look directly at anyone.. on one hand i guess i know that nothing is going to happen to me..but at the same time i am so afraid that something is going to happen...i sit so that i can see the door...but still i feel like i am being watched and looked at by everyone ..and it freaks me out..i have to remind myself to breathe..and focus on my client instead of everyone else..but i am aware of everyone else around me..somehow i can keep track of who is where when it comes to who i feel is to close to me..i was very glad the tables were set up differently so that i wasnt sitting directly back to back with someone..and i picked the sit that was on the end so that i didnt feel trapped or completely closed .... even though i knew some of the ppl there..i still mostly talked to only my client..because fear and being uncomfortable kept me silent... i mean the bingo did end up being fun...but my anxiety was up the whole time..and at the end it jut got worse as things got louder ..and there were juts to many people walking around me and i felt like i couldnt escape any of it...and i dont like that..finally i just sat down and tried to focus on my own stuff ..like what i actually had to carry and take with me...and still all of the way home i was anxious..nervous..

now this little event took place in an area where i should feel safe..its at the clinic where i go a lot of time..but it was in the basement ..and well basements freak me out anyway..dont know why but i prefer to stay above ground..whatever..but going down stairs is the first part that caused my anxiety to rise...and the familiarity of some of the ppl there didnt make me feel better..it just made me feel like i was being watched more..so i kept my head down...tried to stay out of ppls way..didnt speak much..etc..i didnt let myself focus on anyone but my client compeltely..and so yes i was aware that there were 2 ppl at the table in front of me..4 at the table behind me..and at least 6 or 7 at the table across from me..and again it was less crowded than usual ..but still..in my opinion it was crowded..and i dont think i felt completely safe....i dont know..

i just dont know today....

i woke up feeling confused..sad...messed up..angry...broken...a very low self esteem day i guess..i dont know


jutsw so so pissed off from talking to mommy yesterday and just not knowing how to deal with it and so i went to sleep pissed off and angry and i woke up pissed off and angry...its stupid ...its a waste of time letting her get to me so easily..but she did..she does..and today ..well last night..it just pissed me off..im doing something to help her out and she puts all of these restritions and what not on it and tells me ive messed up and all this mess..and its like fine..next time dont ask me to do it..and i did tell her that..i told her they can do it themselves..and leave me out of it..im sick of being yelled at for shit that i didnt want to do in the first place..and why in the hell did she have to ask me when my sister is at home for most of the day and could have done the same thing??? wtf..and so yeah i end up pissed off and just upset and pissed off and wanting to be completely juts left alone ...im tired of this stupid shit...i am..just leave me the hell a lone ok...

fearing fear ..

my fear of everything is overwhelming me right now and the need to hide is so strong...there is so much that i want to do..some many things that i want to be able to participate in and im afraid..afraid to be looked at..afraid to be noticed..just flat out afraid to be in a group of people that i do not know...and as much as i want to engage and be included and a part of it...im just not sure...and im continuing to miss out on everything..and it is depressing to me...i dont want to go to work really ..i dont want to be around anyone ..i just want to be left alone..with my thoughts ..and to just sink lower and lower and just not have to deal with having to put up with anything or anyone ... im still so tired of everything and i know that it is my way of avoiding things...say im tired...say that i dont want to be a part of things...and then i am able to hide away..because im ashamed of myself..im ashamed of who i am and what i am...im ashamed that i cant be like everyone else..that i am flawed..that im not socially acceptable..and it makes me sad..and then the negative thoughts start and i am just afraid...

technically there are three things that i want to be able to do right now...

i want to go to the support group meeting thats every other week i think..but im afraid 

i want to do the work out thing thats twice a month at the clinic i go to..but im afraid and ashamed to be seen trying to work out..in a group..when i am so gross and disgusting..

i want to go to the ww meeting once a week..but again i am ashamed and afraid ..

three seemingly simple activities and i cant deal with it...im afraid to do it..im afraid to put myself out there because i dont know what will happen..and i know that if i put it off and put it off then it will juts get worse and i will never go..but it is heart stopping fear juts even thinking about it..i dont know what to do...

i know how the conversation will lgo..face your fears..doing it a little bit at a time..continuing to go even though i am afraid .. that i will get used to it with time..but it is getting past the fear that is the biggest issue... if i cant get pass the fear then i will stay home and hate that i am missing out..but stepping out and getting involved is so overwhelming that i am afraid before i even have to do it..and this is me just thinking about this stuff all week..the stuff that i kinda want to do but then feel so depressed and ashamed of myself and my body that i just want to hide away...that i just want to disappear...and not do anything or go anywhere at all...my isolation is just so big right now i dont do anything..i go to work and come home..thats it..thats all i do..

i do want to be omre involved..i want to get out of the house and do things..but i feel like i need a damn knlonopin to even calm down enough to think about this without flipping out...its ridiculous..and i feel ridiculous because im struggling so much with something that is so simple...and im jut failling miserably at it all... because i am afraid ...because the world and the people in it scares me..because new situations are not safe and its even less safe if i am by myself...what in the hell am i supposed to do????

i dont know

i dont know whats wrong..im tired and cranky and in a bad bad mood..and i cant seem to let things go and im ancious and paranoid and just not ok and i dont even know why...shouldnt i be feeling better??? im not in pain physically anymore..well for the most part..but now mentally im ready to crash and burn...somehow there is to much in my head now..to much thinking that i cant get away from..to many wants and not enough time..the need for comfort and i feel stupid because i cant give it to myself..i want to go back to the hospital just to be taken care of..not because anything is wrong..and i think somewhere in my head im letting things get to the point where i mayj uts end up back in the hospital..except this time for mental stuff..and ill be damned if that is going to happen...no no no..it hasnt happened before and it isnt happening now...i dont care what i need to do..to keep myself out of the hospital but i will...i dont want to be there and im not going there and i dont care how much comfort i may think i want..it wont be coming from anyone in a hospital..

i dont want to see susan or courtney today...i really dont..i want to just hide at home and forget the rest of the world even exists...now may not be the best time to talk to me...just saying

something good...how could i forget lol

IM GOING TO BE AN AUNT :) :) :)   


MY SISTER IS HAVING A LITTLE GIRL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UBER UBER EXCITED !! 

im trying...somewhere in my head im trying

stay stong
dont give in to the urges

almost 4 months
keep breathing
today is a new day .

ssshhhhhh

and my thoughts are consuming me tonight.  im tired and just thinking a lot about things...worrying and scared and trying not to panic...but my thoughts are on the war path...and im upset and tearful because i wasnt saved..i wasnt helped...and i am alone now and will be alone for forever because i am to broken to have anything better...because there is no one for me..no one to understand the hurt and shame and guilt...because sometimes i think my eyess are dead...that i am dead inside...broken..gone..empty..there is nothing there..there is nothing left for me...nothing left in me...i dont want to be bitter..angry..but sometimes i do feel so bitter because i am so messed up..because i am stuck hiding and pretending and surviving and trying to just get by...i dont know what to do..i dont know what i want to do anymore...right now anyway..i guess it will pass...i know it will pass...but right now...the depression wins out...and all i have is my silence..my silence stops the tears...stops the talking..stops everything for a little while...but its not the silence that i want..i want the numb empty feelings..i want my head to turn off, to be quiet ... and silence does not stop that .... cutting stops that..and im fighting to not take the meds that i have..trying not to hurt myself...trying to remember that i can get pass this mood..get past these thoughts...but when im in the middle of them it seems like there is no end in sight....there is nothing but never ending pain and loneliness