i just dont know...

right now...im just exisisting ..i know i am..and it is frustrating..i dont want to be around anyone..i cant be around anyone for long before im in pain and just wanting to go home..yes im prolly using the pain a bit more to advantage but ..ive ignored it for so long .that now i cant seem to not be aware of it and it makes me upset to know that i have really legitly not been feeling good and now i know why..but of course there are conditions...ugh..and now i just want the darn thing out ..but it isnt going to happen like that at all..

im just complaining...and in a rotten mood...

thankfully tomorrow is the 1st and i will have money to pay bills and get food and all of that...ugh..i hate not being able to do anything ..and my acct is so far in the negative i cant do anything at all..and this is after borrowing money..and so it is frustrating me big time...

just not feeling to positive today at all..

and i went to sleep aruond 3 or so yesterday..and slept off and on until finally i made myself stay awake at 5am...havent eaten since about 12 yesterday..and im hungry but nothing is getting my attention food wise...so i dont know..

again...just in a lousy mood..

afraid

this is just one of those days..weeks ..months that i wish things had turned out differently...i know i should write about how i am feeling but i just dont have the words...im afraid...very very afraid right now...i cried and cried yesterday and it has taken a lot to not cry today...if i stop and think to much the tears are near to far away..im scared and feel trapped by the whole thing..and im tired of being to ld that its ok and that its just a small surgery and not to cry...ill cry if i want to cry ok..its not often that i cry but i couldnt get myself to stop cryinig yesterday..and today ive had more time to think and more time to feel and yes i know somewhere deep inside i will have to go through with the surgeryy...because i do hurt...lately my sides, stomach, even my chest hurts...its like a lingering soreness..i cant get comfortable...and i just dont feel good you know...and so im scared and hurting and just unsure of anything right this minute..i dont know whats going to happen..how am i  going to manage without work for two freaking weeks?? possibly...depending on when the surgery is i will have to worry about surgery, money, everything..what am i going to do?? what am i going to do with mommy here for more than a couple days? what am i going to do when i have to depend on others to help me ? when i wont have my own space...and then there is the scary scary thought of how it is going to be paid for..and so right now my anxiety is high..my depression is high..i want to hide..i want to be left alone..i dont want to talk to anyone at all..and im just trying to keep myself under control...because right now i just cant think..im afraid and i just cant process anything at all right now..i dont know what i want to be told..i dont know what i want to happen...but right now i am having a hard time working past the fear...

im tired of thinking ..

and this has turned into one of those weeks where i am not able to let anything go..ive been thinking about therapy since tuesday..and i think that is part of the reason i have had a headache for like the past 3 days..i just keep thinking and trying to figure it out..and come to some sort of logical conclusion that i can work with..i want to be able to work with it and deal with it..but the problem is of course identifying what the actual issue is..and ive thought about it and thought about it so much that it seems like more and more is piling on top of it and that i cant get to the bottom of it because there is just so much there..so much to get through..and i keep writing and trying to figure out what it is exactly and why it is so hard for me to do something that is so  so seemingly   simple...so this time i am going to write it a little bit differently and see if that helps any..ill just kinda list out all of the different parts and see if it begins to make sense ...and well the hope is that i can do this without overwhelming myself..because i can feel that tiredness that feels like its just everywhere in my body and i want to just lay down and give up completely..im tired..really really tired..

so in my thinking what have i unconvered about my feelings relating to eye contact..behaviors and what not...

- safety:  I think that avoiding eye contact keeps me safe some how ... that i have to keep myself safe so i dont allow myself to form relationships with others..if i can help it..i am viewed at times as being standoffish i think because i get so scared and quiet in social situations..

-anxiety: in one on one situations i am more aware of my lack of eye contact and being aware of it just makes me feel more anxious ..more so if it is an uncomfortable situation anyway..like seeing a doc or therapy or work..and if the anxiety gets bad then the eye contact is worse..then the anxiety turns into fear ..and all hope if pretty much gone if it gets to that point..

-isolation: this one is pretty similar to the safety issue..again if i dont allow myself to be around anyone or look at anything then i am able to isolate and stay safe

-learned behavior taken to the extreme:  i had forgotten about some things from when i was a kid..and again it was one of those how in the world did i forget these things?  but mommy was very clear when i was yyounger about who i could and couldnt be around..i was told repeatedly to never be alone with the father of the kids i used to babysit..i became afraid of him for no good reason..he has never done anything to me..but i can still barely hold a conversation with him..mommy would tell me what to say, how to say it..i would wait for her to tell me what to say and if i wasnt with her and had to talk or something then i would get anxious and scared...but again it may have been a learned behavior but it is at gotten to the extreme end of things now..or has been at the extreme end of things for a good long while now...

-attention/being noticed:  i dont like thinking i have anyone attention..i dont like feeling like i am being looked at ..mommy stares at me a lot..and it makes me uncomfortable..and i dont like when i am looked at because it makes me uncomfortable..becaue i dont know what the other person wants from me..attention meant trouble..attention meant i had messed something up..that i had done something wrong..

-not used to it: im not used to looking at other ppl...i spend so so much time alone that i really am uncomfortable in a group setting or if i am around more than just a couple ppl..but it also relates back to feeling that i am being watched, judged, looked at,

i dont know..i really have been thinking about this alot and it is just getting all mixed up and i cant seem to stop thinking about it and its just making me feel worse and even more stuck...

my headache is back..

yesterday...was not the best day

to say i was spacy today would be putting things very very nicely...i had a hard time this morning figuring out what it is that i needed to do..instead of going to work early..i watched a movie and thought about doing my laundry...i finally did get up and force myself into the shower..but seriously i was like a lost kid this morning..i went back and forth and back and forth and kept forgetting what it is i wanted to do or needed to do or anything..and then i started to get frustrated because i knew there were plenty of things i should have been doing..and instead all i did was watch tv..blah..but oh well i got out.and saw two clients..and for some reason have been super tired today..like really wanting to just lay down and sleep...i had a headache again today..during the middle of the day for a while..i had a headache yesterday too..im trying to remember when i started getting them often again and of course i dont remember...essh..and so i finished work and came home and actually are a real dinner..and am working on a food log..cas i see the nutritionist next month..and well there are some eating issues going on in my head..but nothing to the extreme..and so now im just laying down and thinking a bit..still thinking about the eye contact thing from yesterday..and wondering if i have managed to get to the bottom of it..its not anxiety well its a little bit of anxiety but more than that it is related to fear...a very very big fear of being unsafe around people i dont know..a fear of being hurt if i look at someone else..attention caused trouble..and so some how in my head it turned into this huge huge fear ..and ive gotten so used to not paying attention to my surrounding..and ignoring ppl around me..and not seeing things..that being asked to look at someone really is very terrifying...i thought it was anxiety when i was with kathy and she was standing in front of me..but in a room full of people i was partially focused on her and partially focused on making sure no one was to close to me..and kathy told me that she wouldnt let anything happen to me..and even then i didnt realize it was the fear that was overwhelming..i knew i was anxious..i mean i was in a situation that i was not comfortable with..but wanting to see kathy outweighed my good sense to avoid the party at all costs...but i did look at her a little bit..and just being near her was able to get me to calm down some..i had to know where she was at all times or else i would just feel completely nervous and on edge and just watching everyone but not able to completely focus on anyone..mommy taught me well..and i didnt realize it then..i knew i had trouble with eye contact for forever..like even as a young kid..but i didnt know why..i didnt understand why..but mommy was very clear on what could and couldnt be said..so i didnt talk...she told me not to be alone with males ..so i avoided everyone i could..that still didnt save me though did it..cas when i was pushed to be social i was hurt..again the irony of the whole thing is just freakin depressing.. and i better stop...yeah need to stop

i dont want to remember

i dont want to know
i dont want to remember
i just want to be left alone
but then thats not completely safe either
and i do believe i am not of razors
damn

dont look at me....

i am getting incredibly frustrated right now becuase i dont understand my own behaviors..and i cant seem to explain them to anyone else and make sense...not when it comes to eye contact..and i dont understand why it is that i cant figure it out..

i talked about it today with alice again..somehow we got on the topic..i dont remember how or why but i know we talked about it..and that is one topic that almost automatically makes me anxious and upset and then i get confused because i cant seem to explain why..i dont know what to say..i know the simple answers..but for some reason i know that the simple answers are not the whole reason..its just not...and there is something there that i cant figure out or understand..and im fighting with myself to understand why and am just getting more and more frustrated because it feels like im going in circles..

why is it so hard?  im almost ready to just throw a tantrum and say screw it and that ill just never look at anyone else again..but that is not smart..and i have a feeling that if i dont get better at this issue then i will be back and forth in therapy for a while still...

i know when i was with kathy at the party and she was talking to me..like standing right in front of me talking to me..i know i was scared and kept looking around..and she had to practically physically get me to look at her..but doing it made me so anxious i think i was shaking or doing something not in the range of normal behaviors..because she told me repeatedly that i was safe..how she knew i was scared i dont know..ive probably told her before..i know ive talked it a lot with her and that i get super nervous...and scared..and did i mention nervous?

so anyway..talking about it today..caused the same anxiety..i was scared..but of what im not sure..i trust kathy to keep me safe..but it still takes a lot for me to look at her and keep looking at her...but i trust alice too dont i?  maybe its just what we talk about that makes me so scared and nervous..and i honestly dont want the attention..but again there is just more to it and i dont know what it is ...and im trying hard to stop the urge to ask kathy or anyone else what they think about it..or how i seem to them or something..i cant figure it out and so i want someone else to tell me what it is that i am missing..but i need to figure it out ..

i know ive never looked at my therapists...well i think i looked at the therapist before alice a couple times when she asked me too..and if i could get past the anxiety enough to actually do it for a couple seconds..and ive glanced at alice..and ive glanced at courtney..and i still feel bad that i spent an hour talking to courtney when i first met her and then couldnt recognize her five minutes later ... that freaked me out..and now i know her and of course recognize her...i wonder if i told her that? hmm dont remember...but anyway i know with like first meeting ppl my anxiety is really high and i wont look at them...specially if it is in a area where i feel like i am being put on the spot or getting to much attention or something..and at work jessica and the other supervisors know that they have to literally call my name and get my attention for me to look at them..im listening..i can keep track of everyone in the room or everyone who is around me..but i cant look up..im afraid to look up..i wont do it..i dont want everyone looking at me..or noticing me or even looking in my general direction..but then i want the attention from certain ppl..and dont want it from everyone else..i want alices attention but i cant look at her completely..i want kathys attention bad enough that i will occasionally look at her when she asks me too...but something gets in the way..if i feel scared or threatened or forced i dont think i do it..because if its one of those then i know my anxiety is going up and im not even paying atttention anymore..because then i just want to get away..and remove myself from whatever it is that is making me feel uncomfortable or upset..

with mommy looking at her meant trouble..being noticed just meant trouble all the time as a kid i think..but i guess avoiding eye contact didnt save me from anything anyway..not really...i still got hurt..but still for whatever reason i believe that avoiding eye contact keeps me safe...i get afraid that if i look at someone then they will just figure out to much about me and that is not safe.. i worry that i will be hated if someone finds out anything about me..and so making eye contact when im talking about myself is harder ..at work or with clients my eye contact is back and forth..not steady..but it is back and forth..if im out somewhere shopping or something..i go out of my way to avoid other ppl..i dont look at anyone if i can help it..but im always polite you know..and i may be able to track what is going on around me..but im not focused on any one thing..and it is as if i am standing there and there are so many things going on around me..but i cant see anything clearly..everything moves past me..and i kinda of track ppl because if there are to many ppl around i dont feel safe at all..but again its the eye contact ..the lack of eye contact that makes me safe...and i was talking to amanada about it ..and she mentioned it possibly being a control thing..and i hadnt considered that before..i mean control does happen to be a big issue with me..i want control but i dont control a lot of things ..well it doesnt feel like i control anything...but then the stuff that hurts me i had control over..i could do it or not do it ..the choice was mine...im guessing that somewhere in my head i am making the choice to look away..to avoid something..but it is so automatic that it happens and i dont think im always aware of it...im very aware when it is a one on one conversation with like alice or jessica or something because then i do have their attention..and i want it and dont want it at the same time..its like im trying hard to get attention now good or bad attention it doesnt matter..i just want attention..but its like i want the other person to pull it out of me..i want them to figure out what it is that i want or need..and i dont want to admit that i truly do want attention...well safe attention anyway..and i think that is where the cutting and other stuff comes in...i may not care about myself but if i do something to hurt myself and then go and tell someone..then they care..then i have their attention ..and still i may not be looking at the person but i know i have their attention...

the really confusing thing though is how upset it made me for alice to not look at me..like on purpose..it was automatic anger practically..its like why arent you looking at me ..im supposed to have your attention and it cant be taken away..and if she is looking at me then i guess on some level i know that i do have her attention..but if she isnt looking at me then i dont have her attention...and that is very upsetting..i cant make her look at me or not look at me..but i feel very upset when she isnt looking at me..i dont know..

maybe i just dont know how to do it anymore..maybe its just that ive gotten myself so afraid and that im trying so hard to protect myself ..that avoiding eye contact is the only thing i know how to do..i dont feel i am able to keep myself safe..and so if i avoid everyone..avoid building relationships...avoid talking..avoid all of it then i cant be hurt in anyway..i want to be safe..to feel safe..and for some reason being around anyone else does not allow me to feel safe...there are people im okay with like not anxious around them..or as anxious around them..but with a lot of people the anxiety and fear wins out and it doesnt matter how well i may know them at that point..the issue has grown so so very big that it covers everything..every single part of my life...and i know that i do believe that if i avoid relationships then i am able to keep myself safe from other ppl..mommy taught me to fear other people..i know that..she would tell me to never be alone with the kids i baby sat dad..she made me afraid to speak to anyone about anything at all..she would take what i said and change it all around until i really was being convinced that i had said something and i didnt remember it..and if i dont remember and she manages to cover me and start asking me about it or something ..then i end up agreeing even if i might not be sure..and then i do believe that ive said it..and then i am not able to trust myself or my thoughts..which in a huge round about way still brings up what was talked about in therapy today...crapola ..it makes me want to scream because its all freakin connected and i end up going back and forth and confusing myself and mixing things up..and then i worry that im lying or making something up and i dont think i am..but that whole do i trust myself comes up and its like well i may not remember completely..but i remember some things i say..and if i was lying i would really be mixing myself up..

and now its time to stop because my thinking is getting a bit unsteady...and im getting a headache..and if i could i would probably cry or something because i hate feeling confused like this...

very very sad...

I got a message last night that let me know that a child i know and care for is in the hospital and that he has had another seizure...i was there for the first seizure he had and was able to help and support but this time it happened and i was not there..im not really able to get there..and i am scared because i am not able to be there and see him and see if he is ok ..i need to see him and hug him and talk to him and know that he is ok and going to be ok...i am not comfortable with them being so far away..and im beating myself up for not having the money to go and see them..and not being to help in any way at all..and so i am getting a little stuck in the negative mind frame..and i know it is just the fear and worry and anxiety driving it..but i want so much to be able to fix this and i cant and i just feel like a failure...all i can do is wait for updates and pray and hope and hope that it will be ok and the little boy will be ok..and i will be able to see him again...

not the best day..but calming down

its almost 4:30 and im finally feeling calm enough to actually do something..and all im doing is writing..i had an appt today..a doc appt..and i was very scared about going..didnt want to go..didnt want to think about it..etc..just not to thrilled about it..but i went..freaking out and all i went..and got there and checked in and all of that ..and it wasnt until the person doing the ultrasound came to get me and it was a guy..that was the first problem that started to cause a reaction and i really didnt want to do it...im not ok with guy docs or guy techs or whatever when it comes to myself and what not..and so it took a lot to follow him and not flip the heck out...the second issue was when he handed me a darn gown and told me i would have to undress  pratially...now i dont undress for anyone and my doctor my reg one anyway always asks before she touches me or something during an appt..and so that just sent my anxiety into over drive..but again i did it and went with him..and tried to stay calm and not freak out..and during the ultrasound there were a few times when i did feel so overwhelemed that i was close to crying..and i couldnt focus on him so i either looked at the little tv or at the ceiling and just wished for it to be over quickly..it hurt a bit..the way he was pushing and what not ..but im assuming he got what he needed..and i was able to leave..and i left quickly..and made it to my car before starting to really freak out..and the most pressing thought was going home..because home was safe and i was not feeling safe at all..took meds on the way home  cas hadnt been able to take them earlier ..and so was starting to feel bad in addition to feeling a lot of other stuff...and so made it home..somehow with donuts (no i dont want to know)...and laid down because was just scared and afraid and didnt want to talk to anyone or be around anyone at all...its been a hard day..tiring and draining..and i ended up falling asleep for a bit..but im sorta awake now .. but head is all messy and trying to just not freak out right now..feeling calmer though ..so that is good at least...and now will have to wait for the results and see what they say...fun

afraid

im afraid
that is all
trying to just take it as i can until my appt at the doc today...just gotta make it to the darn appt..ugh

why are the standards different?

with this whole adoption thing..why am i being held up against a whole different set of expectations?? i would hope that i thought about finances and all of that considering i am willingly taking the child..but it is frustrating that everyone just wants to know what my plan is..im not a child...i have a job..a place to live..food..and enough love for a child..why cant that be enough?? why does everything have to be focused on money...i hate that....how many ppl in the world have children that they cant afford? not saying that i am going to be struggling even more with a child..no..it means my spending habits will have to change...it will be that my priorities will change...and it just upsets me because i mean..once again im looking for the approval of others in all of this..and it cant be about them..its about me and what i want to do..what i believe i can do...but having someone not agree i guess just makes me feel doubtful..like im missing something...i dont know..maybe im just over reacting and in a bad mood this morning..i dont know..really need to get in contact with courtney..

a bit down

A while ago..well its been a few months now..but there was this church i was going to and there was a big big disagreement and i was judged pretty harshly about some things...but i stopped going and pretty much lost contact with everyone who was there...there was one lady who i considered a friend..and even though i left the church i thought she was my friend and would stay in contact...well she didnt...i texted her on more than one occasion and no response..nothing...i let her know i had changed numbers and still nothing..and so i stopped trying to contaact her..i figured i had done my part to reach out and be a friend and she had turned me down pretty much..and this week..out of the blue she sends me an email and asks how im doing and to let me know that she had lost her phone ...for 5 and some months she couldnt text? call? contact me at all?  but i answered her email..just saying hi you know..and asking how she was..and today i got a response back from her about possibly going to the get together thing on saturday ..the singlles group..and at first i was super excited about it..like yeah she really didnt just drop me..but then i started thinking about it and began to get nervous because well its at the church and that is a place i am no longer comfortable...and being nervous about who i would see and feeling put on the spot since i havent been to the church in months...and so the back and forth started up and i couldnt decide..i want to go because i do miss the physical comfort that i got from some ppl there...but i am afraid of being hurt again..of being judged...and its like going back would lead to so many other possibilities and im not sure if the pros outweigh the cons in this one..as much as i want comfort and care..i dont think it will be able to come from there..:(  and that does make me feel super sad...

well

im not sure what i want to write about..i want to update but i cant seem to connect completely to what was said in therapy this week...i dont know..i know i told her about what i remembered..and we talked about mommy and that relationship again...but its like watching a conversation and not being able to hear the words..i can see her talking to me..but i dont know or i dont remember what she is saying..even though i was super scared to tell her what i had remembered..it was important to tell her..i want this stuff out of my head..i want to be able to let it stop bothering me you know...im trying..i truly am...

but for now i am feeling ok...work got to be super stressful on tuesday..so i didnt work yesterday...im working today and tomorrow and then it will be the weekend..yay...

i have actually turned in most of my paperwork..and gotten caught up..i feel so much better knowing the stuff is turned in..so i dont know why i just make things hard for myself by not doing it..but gonna work on that...work on keeping up and turning my stuff in on time...i kinda do need to keep my job as i look for another one..blah...

but things are moving a long i think...i think the pain ive been getting in my side and my chest are more stress related than anything else..so i am just keeping tabs on it..and working to stay relaxed because tensing up makes it hurt so much more...no im not having trouble breathing or anything..and pain meds/muscle relaxers do help with the pain...so yeah..just trying to keep things as calm as i can for now...and just not worry...im trying hard not to worry...

i think there are some things that are making me nervous and fearful and im trying to not let that get to me... i dont know..maybe ill even go to the park this weekend and take a walk and just think...

but somehow there is a calmness right now..and i think that worries me a heck of a lot ...

poetry

Life or Death

my eyes lose focus
as i think back and wonder why
my body drifts away
as i wait for the plunge that will end it all
i wait
silent
i shed no tears because there are none left
i listen and wait
as the knife is pointed at me
words are whispered
but i dont hear them
I wonder if i am ready to die
I wonder about the life i never had
i grieve for the love i never got
and still i wait
for her to make the decision
i wonder if it will hurt
or if i will finally be at peace

hiding in the silence.

i think what i remembered was an accident..during therapy yesterday..and i left without saying what it was i was thinking about because well ..words just became to hard and i didnt know how to say what i was thinking..without crying..and so i stayed quiet..i think i was looking for answers in the back of the door i stared at it so much..but i left her ..as i knew i would..feeling very sad..and i made it to i guess the front door of the place before i did start crying..because my thought was .well what i remembered was..that mommy said she would kill me..she had a knife and everything..i dont think i said i single word the entire time she was standing next to me with the knife..i dont remember most of what was said except that she would kill me..that she could..and what would i have been able to do to protect myself?  to stop it?  what did i do that was so awful that this was the outcome ? and i remember what it was..she was told i had been rude to a male friend of hers..he was drunk and i had nothing to say to him...guess that made him very mad..he told mommy whatever..and mommy after waiting a few days retaliated and let me know just what it was that she thought of me..and so she took the knife and stood next to me..and started talking..and i think i lost focus..i didnt defend myself..i couldnt think of a response anyway..there really was no point at all..she said i was wrong..and so i was..there was not much thought involved on my part i guess..but even then..15 years ago or something...i wished she would just go ahead and kill me..stop the threats..stop whatever it is that is so wrong with me..just kill me and get it over with..i wanted her too..i dont understand why she didnt..i really dont...and it had been a while since i had remembered this bit of information..and i dont know what to do with it..what to say about it..or who to talk to about it..deep deep secret that needs to stay hidden away..because it proves just how awful i am..yesterday i think i ended up shutting down a bit..i didnt want to talk..i didnt want to do anything..i wanted to go home but instead i worked for a little bit...i wanted to hide away..and not have to think about the hurt and shame and guilt..and im afraid that where my thinking is going will cause nothing good at all..and so i trap my thoughts away in silence..if i dont speak then no one will know..but not speaking isnt the whole issue..because i will think and think and think about it...go over and over it in my head..and im afraid to say it outloud because of fear that i wont be able to get it out..that ill end up crying and messed up and all sorts of things...i am afraid for myself right now..im afraid of what i will end up doing to stop the thoughts..because that little incident from all the way back then leaves me feeling suicidal now...so silence and sleep are my escapes for now..to get through today and the weekend...and i dont know..have to make it through today first..and im not sure i even want to do that..im really not...

just some fav pics :) of well me ~ 2012

 2012 ---- Life, Family, Friends, Pets, Traveling, Care, Love, and Support :)