needing to write

im sad...depressed...hurt..just i dont know...isolated and empty...lost and broken..and i want to cry..i want to cry so very much for all that i have lost..for all that i was made to believe that was lies..for all the hurt and pain..shame and guilt..fear..and most of all..i want to cry becuase i am trapped in this overwhelming silence that nothing can crack..and now my thoughts leave me feeling so broken ..so hurt..and its the past..but it still hurts me now..the present hurts me..i dont know how to manage living my life..im not even fully aware of my life..and im thinking about the past stuff..the hurts and fears and not having any help..not having a way out..not having anyone to believe me..or to believe in me..and now i am just broken..very very broken and lost and confused..and i try to live and do what im supposed to but fear plauges me..and leaves me trapped and unsure of what to do..

i dont understand why people huhrt children...i dont understand why i was hurt..or why i had the life i did..i dont know anything about my life ..i dont know how to live with myself..and im trying hard not to cut..the urge to just escape and hide from my thoughts is a lot to deal with...im afraid of myself and my thoughts..my head hurts..my body hurts..i am nothing..i dont exisit ..i dont live..and sometimes i dont think i want to live..i want to excape ..go away..run away..i dont knkow what i want

hmm

just not feeling right today...am really tired and did take a nap..as in came home from work and took a nap..but now im in that confusing period where im trying to wake up and focus and accomplish stuff but im just feeling kinda blahish..not sick persay but just a bit off ..i dont know ...

a bit calmer..

so i am no longer freaking out like i was this morning...and i have decided to just spend todaay catching up on work stuff..and thats it..until my meeting later today..i just know that trying to deal with clients is not going to happen today..so ill be more productive if i just catch up on notes and stuff

yes i do know when its time to just stop for a day...it would be nice if it didnt happen so often..but oh well..

i did the mindfulness thing this morning though..at like 4 cas i was feeling super anxious and stuck and all of that...and i used the music thingy that i downloaded..and i know that i fell asleep..but before that i was having the most trouble getting my breathing under control...i couldnt manage to slow it down and make it even out..but i was just laying still and everything was actually off and i was just listening and trying to get myself to relax..and i guess it did something cas i went back to sleep..and now im up and feeling a bit more settled...

so time to play catch up...

just need to get this out...

yep i know its super early and i know that since im up  i should be so working on my notes and what not..but i am still a bit sad and worried about yesterday and feeling as if i talked to much...i also realized that yesterday i am forgetting a lot again..like massive amounts of missing information..and its hard for me to recall what ive done each day..my days become mixed up and run together and its all just mashed together and not seperate at all...

but yesterday i saw t..and im supposed to be seeing t again today..a different t...but i think im gonna end up stopping with the one im seeing today...a part of me likes seeing two different people because i want the attention...but at the same time its really hard not having a constant connection to my old t now that im only like seeing her once a month or something...i dont know i may end up cancelling todays session and moving it to next week..just to give myself a little break.since im still feeling incredibly vulnerable and out of sorts from yesterday...

normally i guard my secrets so strongly..but lately.like within the past year they keep slipping out..and i keep talking and trying to deal and feel better ..but along with the talking comes the depression and the self harm and the need to punish myself for breaking some unspoken rules..like yesterday i talked to to much..and during the session my anxiety wasnt that bad..it was there but it was manageable...but i left and everything was suddenly frustrating and overwhelming..like what i had to deal with for the day an work and what not..it became to much to deal with..and i just became more and more upset with everything and everyone..almost to the point of crying..and finally i realized that i was feeling all over the place and upset because i broke the rules..rules that im not even sure exist..but its like ive done something wrong..by talking and telling about what i think and feel and being honest..i almost wish i was better at lying just so that this wouldnt hurt so much..having to talk about and deal with all of the mess of my childhood and the following years..sometimes i dont want to deal with it at all..and that it why i ask for the valium..i want to just make it through the day..i dont want to have to think or feel or act or anything..because everything hurts to much and it makes me sad..and it makes me hurt..like hurt inside where no one can see..and no one knows about..and so i try to pretend ..and sometimes its doesnt even work anymore..im no good at pretending anymore..iits to much effort...and some days i dont think i care...and the sadness is hitting hard today..very very sad...i know that im not going to hurt myself...but the sad thoughts do take over ..and if i dont get them to stop then it will just get worse..and i was just managing to feel better..but now im scared and feeling vulnerable and im trying to trust that she is safe and wont tell what i say to her..but yes i will worry about it until i see her again...ill try not to but i think it will be a worry...and lets me know that i will try to escape in any way that i can...to hide from the thoughts..to hide from myself..to hide from the world.. i can feel the depression creeping in and taking hold..and i no longer want to do anything at all....i was struggling to do stuff anyway..but now its just a bit worse..and i dont know what to do...i forget what it is that im supposed to do..i did actually find my wrap plan the other day..and i may need to look at it again..but still all of it makes me tired..the fact that i cant gain control over myself makes me so so so tired and worn out..and there are so many demands on me..my clients demand a lot of me..demand a lot of my time and energy..andn it feels like i end up giving so so much to them that by the end of the day i have nothing left in me to give myself..and so i come home and crash..and then get up the next day and just do it all over again...its draining...its tiring...and so maybe the workshop that im doing will be a nice little break..for a few days anyway..i dont know..im feeling lost and a bit hopeless right now...and frustrated cas i cant seem to get my work done...and i feel like im just struggling to get through each day..and still manage somehow...i dont know what in the world im doing ... im existing but not living..im here but im not present...my thinking is all over the place..my feelings are all over the place...im tired..but i sleep all the time...life makes me tired..life wears me out...it takes so much to get myself together and up and moving that i just struggle...and its hard because so many people just dont understand...its more than just getting over it ..or getting out of bed..its like a battle of wills..i fight myself to get up every freaking day..i have to remind myself over and over that i am supposed to be doing stuff..working on stuff..living..engaging..talking..and instead i do just enough to get by...just enough to slip through the cracks unnoticed..but i crave the attention..i want the attention..but i cant have the attention..and so no ..i just keep slipping through..and ill be gone before anyone even notices that something was really wrong..

todays stuff

t was hard today...

talked a lot about my lack of eye contact and my issues with attaching and then overwhelming people with my needs..and how the whole mother figure thing fits into all of that it was scary...but of course that didnt really hit until much later on and so now fighting the urge/need to punish me for talking to her..i know she is trying to help but talking is so very hard and so telling her so much at one time about thinking and how we think is super scary ...and makes me feel nervous.and so was just frustrated all day..

did see pdoc today to and that was fine...she was ok with the changes i had made to my meds.aand so nothing new in that department..

and then the most coolest news of all is that i got my passport today we are offically going on vacation..as is everything is paid for now..and all we have to do is pack ..and save for spending money..we are actually going .and even toold mommmy that i will be turning the phone off and not making any calls or anything cas it will be to expensive..and thats what we are gonna do! but we will have my kindle incase i can get online and stuff

feeling kinda down and out though..and very nervous today..cas of therapy..

it will be ok...goodness i hope it will be ok

ugh plz kill me now

i swear the influx of hormones is driving me bonkers tonight... one show and suddenly my thoughts are going in a million different ways..and so not acceptably in like normal conversations...crap crap crap double crap..needs and desires are in my mind and its not ok at all...not getting 'those' needs met..although lately more and more often the desire to have those needs met and that is a scary scary thing..wanting to be touched and held and loved...ugh..i would rather not feel anything at all..but instead i fight with my mind about what it is that i want..and wondering how to get my needs met in an appropriate way...a non slutty way..but my nervousness stops me..from acting on my desires..blah blah blah

ways to escape

you know i think thats all i really want to do..escape...  i mean the past to days hav been really hard to deal with..and a lot of it had to do with just not feeling good enough..worth enough to put in the effort...friday really did become a very overwhelming day and i ended up coming home early because i felt like i wouldnt be able to control myself..and yesterday i felt sick and not interested in anything at all..a lot of negative thinking..a lot of trouble remembering..etc..and so on...but today i know why i have been feeling sick and im not pleased at all about that little surprise..im gonna have to change the birth control im on i think...this one just is not doing what it is supposed to do..or else its not high enough or something...but whatever will deal with it...yuck...

didnt sleep so great last night..woke up around 2 am and was up for a little bit before falling back to sleep..and still i ended up  getting up around 7...

actually am feeling a bit better today though...still have a slight headache but i have more interest in doing things..and so went to the store a bit ago to pick up some things..and tomorrow someone is coming to help me with cleaning my house cas i just cant seem to maanage it..so im working..or trying to work on getting laundry done today..and well the usual nonesense with work stuff...my goal is to get everything in this week on time...ALL of it...

but i also have 2 therapy sessions and two doc appointments this up coming week...see the pdoc to and will have to talk to her about my meds..and then two days with t's and well gee that should have me feeling just peachy..

but i think im starting to fall asleep so i think ill find something boring to watch on tv and nap for a little while.. thats the plan

i just like this one

“From childhood's hour I have not been. As others were, I have not seen. As others saw, I could not awaken. My heart to joy at the same tone. And all I loved, I loved alone.” ― Edgar Allan Poe

sigh

yesterday was a really depressing day....just out of no where started to struggle with all the church stuff again..and i really think that it is the lack of physical contact that is causing the mini break downs..becuase it was over one specific person that i was so upset about yesterday,,and crying and feeling completely worthlelss...and so that kinda made me feel unsafe i think..maybe vulnerable is the better word becuase i most defeintly came home with the intent of justs hiding in bed..because the world was hurting me to much and i couldnt deal..i dont want to be bothered at all right now..and kinda just want to lay in bed all day and do nothing...im still feelign a bit down but its not as bad as yesterday..i didnt hurt myself..i talked to an online friend instead..and it helped a bit .and i read a whole book...and the it was finally time to take meds for bed..major headache though..and i think my head is still bothering me abit..but it is saturday and i just feel the need to stay contained and what not..

it just hurts,that not goign to church cut me off from the few people i was getting used to..and one person who i was actually doing stuff with is no longer talking to me i guess..and so yes i am feeling really hurt about it...

stupid

i problem is that i exiisit. that im here and i dont want to be here.  not really.  im just stupid and worthless and useless and i just want to be wanted and needed and instead i got pushed aaway..and judged and all of that ..and out of no where today it just became to much to handle and think about..and the world became to much to deal with and i couldnt stay present at all..and so i came home..because everything was to much to handle and i just wanted a quiet place to be..but that got all messed up cas i started crying on the way home when i realized just how much i was missing on particular person from the church..and that led to even more crying cas cant go back..but the feelings of rejection and all of that is big right now..even now weeks later i am still reduced to tears because i dont know what to do or say or think..and so my thinking is spiraling down really really fast..and a lot of negative thoughts are coming up..and with them the urges to hurt myself and all of that come too..i want to just take my meds and go to sleep..thats all i want right this minute..

need to write ..

im beginning to feel that words are trapped in my head and that i need to write...im not feeling nervous just overwhelmed and a bit scared i think..i dont know i mean things are going ok you know..ive been feeling better ..and aside from just being tired..my mood has been fairly stable...not cutting...eating better this week..going to work mostly..and still im nervous about something..im just feeling nervous about something ..i dont know what it is though...maybe its that mommy is starting to push the issue of me coming home..and i do have to go home to deal with my car stuff..but i really dont want to be at home.to stay...or even visit really..but it has to be done..and then theres the whole issue of the trip in oct.and i know that it is a fun thing but still im nervous..and nervous about the workshop thingy that im taking in a couple weeks..and just ugh..once again i think it is the accumulation of small things and they have been turned into bigger things in my head..and i am just not sure how to deal with it...most of it is just stuff completely out of my control anyway but still i worry..im feeling a bit useless and unmotivated i guess.. i dont know what i want to write about...

so just listening to some relaxing music and laying down for a bit longer..

lots of anxiety

therapy caused a lot of anxiety this morning....i think it was because she was asking so many questions and doing the intake like a month after ive been seeing her...so it was hard for me to stay prpesent..and pay attention...but managed...to not spazz out while there...and so all im doing now is work for the rest of the day...joy

30 days ....

ive been clean a month...i swear its like a drug addiction..-siigh-

no cutting in the past 30 days..give or take...the last day i do believe was 7/22/12. and then there was the whole blow up thing at church..and well the desire to hurt myself has lessened a lot...still had bouts of wanting to die in those 30 days..but things have calmed down considerably ..

so yep...its a start ...
30 days 'clean'

well...i made it..

i actually just picked up and took off for the weekend...surprised nia for her birthday :) which was cool  she had no idea at all that i was coming..we got her good lol..she was yelling and screaming and couldnt get the door unlocked to let me in !  but yeah just chilled yesterday..and last night i wasnt feeling to good.  i think i ate way to much..well i know ive been eating way to much and so yeah..my stomach was just not happy lalst night..but took some meds and its calmed down now...im still a little bit leary but yeah am ok..

weather permitting we are going to charelston today...and taking in the sites and going to see batman at the imax !!  awesomeness :)  hoping it doesnt rain..but either way it will be ok..we will figure out something to do :)

so heres to a calm, fun and happy day :)

well...on the road again

off to surprise nia for her birthday...yep im literally just getting out of bed and going...no need to waste the time lol....so a couple more things to do for the cats and throwing clothes on and im off :)  heres to a good weekend !

oh i was supposed to be updating...

so what is going on ???? A LOT

i am surprised andvery very pleased about the fact that my oct trip is coming together very nicely..i have the reservation made..and now i have the plane ticket..and it was cheaper than the first time i looked it up so i HAD to buy it..couldnt let the ticket thats under 500 go ..so i bought it yesterday and then of course my mind was like ..crap i dont have to eat for the next two weeks lol...but i think it will work out and that ill be able to pay for that and pay my other bills and still have a little spending money and gas money for driving up to sc...

so i decided that im going to surprise my sister for her birthday and im driving up there for the weekend...and she doesnt know im coming..so i think it will be fun...i think getting away will be nice..even if it is going to take 6 hours to get away..but i think that if i leave early enough in the morning then it will be ok and not so bad..and i can make up some time on the road when there is not a lot of traffic..but that means that today i have to do alot to prepare for it..and get the cats settled and laundry done and the aprtment cleaned..you know the usual mess i have to do before going out of town

and well work is work...i turned in my paperwork on tuesday..so my goal for next week is to get it in on monday..of course..

and ive been a bit sick and and really tired this week..so yeah..just trying hard to make it through the days..and do what i can with work and stuff..

so technically i dont know where this week has gone..like seriously...i really dont know..ive slept a lot this week and im not sure if ive manged to do to much...

taji has been exceptionally naughty this week and has repeatedly knocked over cups...ugh...so yeah..

headwise..things have been fairly calm i think..a little bit of freaking out when i wasnt feeling good..but am feeling better now and things are still calm..i think going away for the weekend is a good idea...

ive been getting a lot of headaches though this week..i dont know...so yeah..

goals for today is to prepare for out of town
get nias cake
get the cats taken care of
go to sleep at a reasonable hour and not at like 6 in the afternoon..ugh
but since i wake up so early i want to be ready to go as early as possible..and so that means packing and all of that tonight...
and yeah..working .. haha

so yeah..i guess thats my update for the day..

laters 

just need to write.

i dont really know what is on my mind..but something is there..something is bothering me i think.,.maybe it is just loneliness..maybe i am just isolating to much..yesterday was a truly wasted day..i really really truly wasted..all day i had a headache and felt useless cas i couldnt focus...and i finally took something for my headache after a miss guided attempt at punishing myself ...and ended up just falling asleep incredibly early...and now im awake and trying to focus and get my work done..and all of that...i dont know..just feeling a bit down...not suicidal or like cutting...but just sad..

My loves

Relaxing as usual

words can create scars that never heal

No one is born with negative thoughts in their head.  Those thoughts are taught, they are learned.  It doesn't happen in one day, or one week, or even one year.  There is always that small hope that maybe the person is wrong, the questions about if they are right or wrong.  But something happens and it happens slowly.  You begin to believe that what is being said is true.  You believe that you are worthless, a loser, stupid, not good enough. You hear it so much that it pushes all the other thoughts out of your head and you believe that they are true.  You grow up believing all of these things about yourself that is not true.  No one is worthless, no one is stupid or a loser or not good enough.  It is hard when you are an adult and you still have to battle the thoughts and beliefs that were put in your head by someone who did not have your best interest at heart. It is wrong to hurt another person physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually.  It is hard having to relearn that you are an important person, that you are special and loved and cared for.  The negative thoughts that you learned as a child are there, they are always there.  When you are asked to look at them, acknowledge the thoughts, talk about them. it is not an easy task to have someone else poking around in your head, asking questions about what you think, how you think, what you believe. What did make perfect sense to you, no longer makes any sense at all when trying to explain it to someone else.

For me I grew up being told that I was worthless, that i was never good enough.  I believed it, I felt it was true, it was my existence and no one could make me believe any different.  Why would my own mom tell me things that were not true?  Why would she make me believe so many awful things about myself? Why would I not beleive that what my mother was telling me was the truth?  She taught me to hate myself, to doubt myself,  she took away my confidence in myself and in the world.  Maybe that wasnt her goal, but that is what happeend all the same.  I took what i learned from her and just ran with it. In my mind I am worse than she could ever be to me.  I am my own worst enemy.  I know what it takes it hurt myself either with words or physical pain.  I dont need anyone to tell me anything different.  I am nothing, worthless, a waste of space. It was my fault that I was hurt and abused because I didnt know how to stand up for myself in any way at all.  I did know how to listen and do what i was told without questioning.

I grew up thinking the worst about myself, I slipped through school, I somehow made it through college, lack of confidence or not.  Some how I manage to hold down a job even when I feel so awful and so hateful to myself.  Some how I manage to get out of bed when all i want to do is lay down and hide and ignore the world.  I still dont have much self confidence or self esteem and some days I have to really push myself to understand that the negative things i think and believe are not true. 

It is much easier to deal with the physical pain, I think I actually preferred the physical pain because at some point that had to stop.  The hurtful words could go on every day with nothing to stop it.  There was no way to escape it. It was life, and I just stopped fighting against what i believed to be true. That i was bad, stupid, crazy, worthless.  I wondered what was wrong with me.  I wondered what had happened that caused me to be in trouble so very much.  I wondered why I was singled out and hurt repeatedly.  I believed I deserved it, that it was really truly my fault.  That there was something just so wrong with me and that my mother was right in that she was pointing it out to me before someone else did.  The problem with that is that pointing out my falws so often only taught me to hate myself more, it taught me that it was ok to hurt myself because other people did it.  I learned that I could pretend just as much as i wanted to becasue then it hid how much I was hurting, and how scared I was.  How do you explain to a child that things werent their fault?  When they have years and years to take in all the hurt, all the words, all the negativeness and make it there own?  It is like having a protective shield in place that no one can break through it.

Except that is not completely true either.  There are people who can poke holes in this protective shield.  As much as you try to hang on to it, the more broken and brittle it becomes.  Its the people who listen and care, the people who hear your fears and your secrets and dont run away from you.

No I am not there yet, i still have a lot of pain that needs to heal to be able to move on and 'grow up'.  But i am not where I was last year, or the year before that, or the year before that.  Somehow I keep going, I keep growing, whether I really want to or not.  Life happens, experiences happen, and you have to learn from it and go on or it will crush you.

I am very careful with my words.  Maybe to careful, because I am afraid that I will say something that will hurt someone else.  I dont ever want another person to hurt the way I was hurt.  I dont want an innocent child to wonder about their self worth because of me.  Its not okay. Its not fair. Its not right.

Maybe that is why I look at the picture at the top and it makes me want to cry. I want to cry for myself, for all the children who have been hurt, for all the adults that are now trying to piece their lives back together and move on from the past. It is not easy by any means, and some days things feel utterly hopeless and depressing. There are the days when I cant seem to let go of the negative thoughts, and I believe again that I am just worthless. I guess the important thing is that now I am able to remember that I am okay more often than not.

rambling rambles

i want to write ..but i really dont know what i want to say..my thoughts are just rolling around in my head a lot right now.im not really focusing on one thing but a lot of little things...

i have a headache again ..which im starting to think is med related..

i did have my work eval yesterday..and although i freaked out horribly about it and panicked and worked myself up into a horrible state..it went ok..nothing that i didnt know ..but the praise was uncomfortable for me...but it was a legit review..just gotta work on getting my notes in on time and ill get away from the whole probation thing..id rather not be on probation again..i finally got off of it sometime last year lol...but well i also got a little raise..so that was pretty cool. ok that was a lot cool and i was proud of myself...i do have to work on the whole being more talkative and open and not being so shy..but again..nothing i have not heard before..so yeah ..it was good..much better than what i had worked up in my mind..i was positive i was going to be fired or something ...yeah irrational extreme..but that is over and done with for another year so i am good..

and i got a part time job ... it is a strange strange set up...but i get to take this workshop thing that i want to take that is to expensive for me to pay for...so in exchange for becoming a part time worker .i will get to do the work shop ..which is super cool...and its for a recovery type business thing..so  i think it will be a good thing..and the workshop thing is in sept..and its 4 days long...so no idea what im going to do about work..essh..but so now i have sort of a part time/volunteer type thing going on..and who knows..maybe it will help me with getting out and talking more and stuff...i do know that i will be working on the newsletter..but ill be doing other stuff too.  so that will be cool.  and its just a few hours a week..so nothing that is super over working me or anything..

and i finally got to talk to my old supervisor this week..and yes i miss her a lot ..and she said that we could prolly get together and do something like lunch in a couple weeks..and again we talked about possible employment opportunities ..and i updated her on all of my stuff..or as much as i could manage to talk about..and got my usual dose of encouragement from her.. crap i miss her :(

but yeah...this week has been ok i think overall..im not sleeping as well..and still adjusting to the new meds..and alll of that..so yeah just going day by day...but i am writing down a daily mood journal type thing so that i will have it with me when i have my next appointment with the pdoc..cas i never remember what it is that i want to tell her..

but yeah..guess thats all i have to ramble about for now ...

bad night

i dont know..yesterday evening/night was just hard..as i was feeling sad and tearful and all of that and i didnt know why..got a really bad headache too..finally just took my night meds and went to sleep..but then woke up at like 12ish and was up for a couple hours..but went back to sleep and that is when the night mares started..the usual ..being forced, hurt, made to do things..oh i dont remember the dream..i remember the sadness, the fear..and so when i woke up this morning..im just feeling a bit blahish...im tired..and feeling worn out...i dont think ive been sleeping as well thanks to the wellbutrion .. and so i took 2 of the clonezapans last night and still didnt sleep through the night.. but im writing down daily how im feeling and what not..so that ill have it when i go to see the pdoc..cas she asks whats been going on and i draw a complete blank as to what to tell her..so im hoping this will help with remembering and everything..

so yeah just a hard morning i think..and maybe once i am up and out of the house i will feel better..

but also think im feeling nervous about having my eval done today at work...very nervous about that...

Freck

Ok so I messed with my meds this morning and took to much of one and now I feel like jumping out of my skin. I'm. Anxious and jittery and don't want to sit still at all. Wanting to go home but still working and can't just go home.  Crapola

Dont Quit

this poem pops up online all the time.  i do like it and figured i would share it here.

Dont Quit
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must - but don't you quit.
Life is queer with it's twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out,
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow ..
You might succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man.
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And her learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out.
The silver tint to the clouds of doubt -
And you can never tell how close you are,
It mat appear when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It when things seem worst that you mustn't quit !

Anonymous

soo...ive decided

so ive decided to go to the support group meetings on wed nights...something to do..something to get me out of the house..etc..and i think i do know/have been around the people who are leading the group...so yeah will see how it goes..

sometimes i get so annoyed reading stuff online..and i realise that sometimes i truly am the only person keeping me stuck...its me..not anyone else..i wont do something..i dont think i can do something..i avoid or hide or pretend because im afraid...but anyway you look at it this mess is all me..no one else can get the blame for it..and yes i know there are some things influencing it..sometimes its people...sometimes its the past..sometimes its just my thinking is so irrational and confused..that i mix myself up..essh... but then i get annoyed at other people who i feel are not doing all they could be doing ..and its like well crap..you know the saying ..what you dont like about someone else..is what you really dont like about yourself?  well if i needed a bigger message...here it is...i am my own worst enemy..im the one that stops me from doing stuff...i have lots of excuses for why this happens...but i guess being aware of it..and now attempting it..is a step in the right direction...

and completely random and odd..but i could swear i had a dream that beyonce was dead..and i saw a picture of her this morning on some news website..and it blew my mind!!! i was like wtf...she is supposed to be dead..what happened?? yeah ok my head got away from me a little bit for a few lol..im not crazy..i promise...haha

today has been ...

im not sure if i can really explain today...ive done a lot..ive done nothing..im tired but not sleepy...i want to accomplish more but im tired..

but well something that had been on my mind about a client finally got worked  out today..finally...so i am feeling better...i realized that sometimes it is ok to let stuff go..it wasnt her it was someone else and so yeah..i can move on..the phone thing is getting fixed and everything..so yeah

so tomorrow starts a new week...and im feeling almost ready for it..i havent felt like this in so long that it is almost foreign..im feeling hopeful..but my mind is going a mile a minute and jumping from thing to thing...so much to think about and do..and no money to do it with..blah...

but i have to stay present ..stay in the moment...relax the tension that i always carry around...i am becoming more aware of it..but im still having trouble with the relaxing part...but ill talk about that with t this week...

but yeah...going to chill out and go to sleep and get up tomorrow and work on notes...yep..

but shrek is on ..so watching that while trying to fall asleep..

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.
~ Maya Angelou

well then

i dont know what is diffferent ..but ive done more today..than i have done in weeks...cleaned the kitchen..worked on laundry..made up my bed..etc...i didnt lay in bed all day..i didnt want to lay in bed all day..and so i actually got up and did stuff..yeah there is still stuff to do but not as much as before..and i am  feeling a little bit proud of myself...im actually cooking dinner...i ate a yogurt concontion that was edible and didnt kill me and was pretty good actually...what is so different about today??? im even about to start working on my notes to turn in tomorrow ... on time  even... !!!  its like ive woken up again ..and am able to be a part of the real world....if even for a little while..ill take what i can get...but im starting to get a headache so im chilling out for right now...who knows..maybe ill get up and do more laundry later on..yep  who knows...but today has been a decent day i think...

was i one of the lucky ones?

somehow i am still awake and it is like 10:30..i was rereading a book about child abuse because i had forgotten what it was about when i ran across it somewhere else online..but im awake all the same.. and im just wondering about things..

there is some huge child pornography ring that is being busted right now..i hope all the adults involved go to hell for what they did..or looked at ..or..ugh.. i dont understand the need to have that kind of power and control over someone...and it is even harder to work to pick up the pieces and put them back together...when its the world that i am afraid of..the people i am afraid of..im afraid to live..but im also afraid to die..but i am broken..messed up...different..crazy..mental..whatever you want to call it..in the end it all comes down to the same thing...i was hurt a lot ..in a lot of different ways..and the ways i learned to cope with it are unacceptable in the civilized society..now my world revolves around medication, and therapist, and psychiatrist, and doctors and appointments and im told to talk and share and at the same time im told to be quiet and not say anything becuase some people just dont understand...just who am i ending up protecting?? i thought it was ok to ask for support..and because it is just so hard for me to do that..i just shut down when im rejected..and then i dont want to speak ever again..i want to just lock all of my secrets back up where things were safe and quiet...well in my mind they were safe..i was safe...no one knew...no one worried..no one cared..but am i one of the lucky ones?  i wasnt saved back then..and i was ruined in so many ways..but i am still alive..i havent died..that is a big big deal i think...

but that would be taking steps backwards..im trying..i am trying to stay in control..but i feel i dont know..

ive been cranky today..and am feeling a bit overwhelmed...i think i see extra meds in my future..i know im feeling tension..i can feel it in my shoulders...and im reminded that im supposed to be working on relaxing more and staying in the moment..and i found this really cool app on my kindle that does all these relaxation music and sounds and stuff..so im gonna see if that helps with getting me to calm down a bit...

blah...food...

this is something that i have been meaning to actually write about for a while...

im not sure if it is the medicine that has suddenly made me extremely sensitive to food..but yeah...my eating habits are becoming so so so weird...fasat food makes me sick...actually almost any eating out at all makes me feel sick..but fast food is the worst...and because my motivation is so low these days..and i dont want to cook at home..then all i do is eat sandwiches .. and pringles...and apple slices..but im alll out of those and that makes me upset too...cas i really do want my apple slices with caramel... im currently addicted to the bread from captian d;s and the one thing that i know im not supposed to be eating so much of is all that i am craving..i want bread..carbs...today im actually craving fish..which leads me back to wanting to get captain d's ..blah

but like the same stomach issues happen if i drink milk or eat ice cream..like it goes straight througuh me and yeah..i spend the rest of the day feeling sick and think that i am like dying or something..and of course i write that and really truly want like cereal or something..

i dont know..im just tired of dealing with all the weird stomach stuff..its bothersome...majorly bothersome...yesterday i binged on bagels..until i did feel sick..but i didnt throw up...

maybe i will try cooking an actual meal today..like i have food in my fridge/freezer..and all im letting it do is go bad because i buy it and then dont use it...crap

just some rambles...

im trying to stay positive in the midst of a lot of shit to put it nicely...ok well maybe not so nicely but it gets my point across...it has taken me two weeks to even begin to deal with the whole church thing and i am working hard not to be swayed back into going...im not comfortable so there is no point...but ok thats all said and done i guess..i did get a chance to talk to my director and let her know that i am not going back for now...and she told me she respected my decisioin..but i got the feeling that she also thinks i somehow should have seen this coming and what not...but ok again everyone is entitled to there own opinions..so im just trying to put it out of my head and move on...

issues with a client going on that did hurt me..but again something that wasnt my fault and that i have no control over...ill have to come up with an explanation soonn enough but for now just waiting to see how it plays out...benefit of the doubt ..walk in forgiveness..blah blah blah..sometimes all the be positive and forgiving and upbeat makes me want to barf..

issues with my car now..and the fact that there is a freaking hole in my freakin door...and no i dont have the money to get it fixed...and it annoys me big time because i dont think it was my fault ..but again trying not to get myself worked up over it because its just going to make me more upset and i cant do anything about it right now...my car still works...it could have been worse..again the whole blah blah blah find the positives in this is really getting to me...

i think i just want to scream and cry and demand something..i just dont know what it is that i want...my director is right in that i do want attention..and no i dont get enough attention..as much as i avoid it..i want it..and so with the whole disconnect from church my social outings just got cut in half big time..so yes i am feeling lonely and lost and sad..again the meds help only so much..and the rest is up to me..and my choice to make amd yada yada yada,..i just want to scream at someone today..throw something ...hit something...i want to go out but wont..my hair is curently a big annoyance because i cant take out the braids for a couple reasons...one i cant see the back to get them unraveled..and two hair glue is all in parts of the braids ..and so i cant get them out by myself..and the girl who was doing my hair is having a hissy fit and not talking to me..so yeah ..kinda stuck for now..until i figure out what im going to do about it ..or who i am going to get to help me with it..i dont like the glue being in my hair..but i know better than the try to get it out without help...so yes..for now ..i am truly stuck for now...and i dont want the glue to be in my hair for forever..and so at some point it will have to come out..and so that means finding someone or some place that will be able to fix it for me..and since right now its been quite a while since ive had a perm..i dont want to get one just yet..i just want to keep my hair braided up..and covered up...

im feeling tense and uncomfortable right now..and i really do just want to go to sleep but my apartment is a mess and i need to clean up..i need to do something to stay busy..but i dont want to do anything at all ...and now with so much going on and my need for money right now ..im like freaking back to being on top of my paperwork and all of that...no more late stuff..cas i can get more money if everything is in on time...go figure...so working to be doing notes all day tomorrow ..joy..

and i realize that my trip is in a little over two months...scary..but i have sent off for my passport..so that was one step...next step is getting down there..and im not sure if i want to take the weekend before and drive down...or just take the money and fly...cant decide and i keep going back and forth on what i want to do...and what will be the best choice money wise...cas driving has its beneifts..and it will give me time to make stops and relax and not feel so rushed you know...but then ill have to rent a car...and leave it in miami which is a problem...if i take my car .. i would just have to pay for parking.but i dont want to drive my car down to fla...so yeah ..i dont know yet.. my ticket will have to be bought soon and then ill need to start putting away spending money for being down there..and all of that...so yeah lots and lots and lots going on...

and im just trying to keep my head above water...trying to deal with everything and not get back into the state i was in just last week...that was not a good place to be in...so now that i am feeling better at least in that sense..i would like to not have that happen again..

but yes.the need to shut down and close myself off from the world is strong right now..and i know there are pros and cons to doing that...but for now i guess im just feeling to exposed..to vulnerable to deal with anything big or stressful right now...i just want a break..

although tomorrow i think i will actually have to leave the house..i dont have to go anywhere today..i know im hiding .but that cant be helped for right now...

a time to remember...a time to continue on ..

Another year has passed and no one has mentioned your name 

I will not forget you 

RIP always 

Nicole Legree 

9/21/83 - 7/27/86

My sister, my twin

i am ok. i will be ok.

after multiple hours of sleep last night..crap..i woke up feeling a bit more clear headed...still sad..but im not going to die..it is a long long process coming to terms with what was said to me...and because it got all mixed up with mommy stuff it just became even harder to let go...the urge to go and try to fix this still plagues me..but im not strong enough or stable enough to keep going back to the church...if i had said nothing about what i was dealing with or asking for support..i may have lasted a bit longer...but the way things played out..i guess it just wasnt meant to be.and still i hurt over it..i wonder about the people that i have lost and well will lose touch with now that i wont be seeing them on a reg basis anymore..and that makes me feel even more alone..

i still want to escape the world..which is prolly why i got so much sleep last night...regardless of every freaking thing that i have to do and know that i need to do..instead i sleep..and sleep and sleep some more...to escape.to turn off my head..to get away from myself and my thinking for a little while...didnt even take meds last night to sleep...i just slept..

saw pdoc shortly yesterday..and im back on the wellbutriin .. i asked her if i could have it back and she said ok..i mean i see her again in a couple weeks ...well towards the end of the month..now that it is aug...but still ill be seeing her soon..and so my current cocktail is prozac, wellbutrin, and klonidine... the prozac may be stopped when i see her again but for now i guess im taking both since i wasnt told otherwise...maybe it will help..i hope that it does help..im tired of feeling so down...

and i do get to see linda today..which almost has me feeling happy...i miss the safety of her office..i miss talking to her..and not seeing her since i refuse to look at her .. i think though that i just miss the steady support of having someone who listens to me every week..and i may be getting that back but its different with a new person..and takes forever for me to feel comfortable and all of that..so yeah...

still working to get in my late work...one more set of notes to do..well one more weeks worth of notes to do..and i will be done..and caught up..and i swear to never fall behind again...ugh...

but just needed to write a litttle bit ..empty my head for the day...

and i have to remember that i am supposed to be working on mindfulness to help when i am feeling stressed out and overwhelmed...cant forget..and ill have to keep track of it..so yeah me for wasting money on school supplies i didnt need.cas now i have a note book to use :)

oh and on a small small good note...i ofically sent off for my passport yesterday!  finally after a bagillion years im getting a passport..and then i just need to work on getting my plane ticket...and ill be all ready for oct :)

and im also sorta working on this newsletter thing...a recovery newsletter..i get my own little column for a little while to see how it goes...which is kinda cool too..

i just have to keep reminding myself that there are people who love and care about me..even if it may not feel like it at the time..im not as alone as i think i am..talking to myself doesnt count!!

ok im really done now..

laters