my first grown up trip...it only took 29 years ..

today i set up the reservation for the cancun trip..and right now its scheduled for oct :)

im super excited about it :) cas i almost didnt think it was gonna happen!!!

but im going ...and yvonne is going and its going to be awesome


just gotta get my passport .

and we are all set :)

lately....

work issues...:( my client are being moved around..and i know they are doing it to ease my load cas i have hard and very demanding cases..but i like my cases you know..and having one taken from me makes me feel like ive done something wrong..and i havent..but its just hard to manage the thoughts about it...i guess im getting more used to the idea now..and i actually told the client that is being moved today..and well yeah like i thought it didnt get taken well..but just going to do my best to make sure she is transited to the new person next week...

but this week has been just hard...i havent managed to get anything done at all..like all my paperwork is still due..and ive been seeing my clients but i just havent been able to get my paperwork stuff done..and all im doing is going to work and then zoning out in the evenings and sleeping..thats all ...

did see pdoc earlier this week she changed my med times to see if it will help with how tired i have been ..so that change has me feeling a bit weird..but i am able to get through the day without taking a nap..but then i come home in the evenings feeling awful because i dont have a set time for the meds in the evening..and so i either just lay down and dont get back up or i go to sleep and dont get back up...

i have zero motivation right now..and i just dont know how to fix it...im slacking off big time..i am..and i cant even bring myself to care that much..and its gonna get me in trouble..ugh

so ive skipped meds tonight in hopes that i will stay awake long enough to do the late notes but of course all i want to do is lay down and not do a darn thing...

i just cant seem to function this week at all...just having a hard time i think..but im not sure..and the thoughts come and go..the negative really bad ones..and then im ok and not caring about anything..and i think im feeling a bit more anxious tonight...and i really truly just want to sleep...and im so darn behind ..and i hate being behind...but my clients have been so demanading this week..and then not feeling good..and med changes..and being tired..and i feel like all im doing is complaining ..and i dont want to do that either...but i just cant seem to get it together in my head...havent been writing or doing anything really and so the thoughts and feelings and being stuffed inside and that is causing the urges to s/i come back up..and its just one big stupid circle that never ends..and i try to be happy and i want to be happy and im just sad and sick and miserable and feeling awful and useless and worthless..and i dont want to even tell anyone that im feeling badly because then its like im just always focusing on my problems and just wanting attention or something...and it hurts my feelings to be told that im just making myself miserable on purpose and so then i just feel doubtful and upset and unsure of myself ...im not doing this on purpose..im really not..and i just want to hide out for a while..

im going out of town next week for a few days..just up to visit my sister..and i know that getting away will be a good good thing...i think we need a change of scenery or something..i just need to get away from things..but getting away means possibly seeing mommy and im not so sure about that..and im just feeling more worried i think about things...

ive really messed things up havent i?? i just dont know how to fix my current stuff enough to get back to even managing ..and i guess the med change is causing some major issues again..but i dont know..

trying to eat better..but still overdoing it with the junk food..and eating until im sick ..but of course its being done on purpose cas of trying not to cut..and so its just switching back over..and i know its not good..i do..but i dont know how to stop it..im just a mess right now...i feel like im a mess and just messing up and not able to do anything at all...

i dont know

sigh

things feel quiet..but it is as if it is the calm before the storm..i am waiting for something to happen..for something to just blow up in my face or maybe it is the changes at work that has me feeling more on edge and uncomfortable and so i am avoiding the office...maybe i am just not sure of what to say to anyone right now..and just feel the need to be quiet and just slip by...i dont know..i think i am feeling hurt and sad and i dont know why..i want to cry and i dont know why either...i just want to lay down and hide from the world today and i cant..because it is another busy expecting day and i have to go to work..and i have to show up...and all i want to do is just forget i exist for a little while...im not complaining...im trying really hard not to complain..but really i just want to sit and cry and pretend im not even here...

were you loved enough as a child?  were you cared for? protected? kept safe?   why must i think of these questions that have no answers..

im very close to the urges of just wanting to hurt..i want to escape myself..i want to go away..i want to hide..i want to be left alone..

but i will get up soon...get ready for work..go and join the real world..pretend that everything is ok...while i continue to die inside..that is my life..this is my hell.. i dont need to worry about going to hell...i already live in hell.

its a struggle

two doc appts and one major storm plus tornado warnings that i was out driving in has left me feeling very not ok and vulnerable and a bit on edge...

i should be doing my paperwork..but instead i just want to hide in bed

Pdoc chat

So i saw my pdoc this morning. No major med changes right now which im ok with..but moving my doses to the evening to see if that helps with how tired i have been feeling. So still on both the prozac and klonopin and will see how the next month goes.

im sorry

im sorry im so sad all the time.  it makes me feel like im failing at life.  i dont mean to be sad or feel sad and its just always there and i try to make it go away i really do and its hard and nothing helps. and im just sad..and im sorry that i cant fix myself

nothing

im not happy
im not sad
im neutral
im nothing
im just here
i exist
but im not living
no one

just feeling quiet...

i dont know if this is a good thing or not a good thing..but i am just feeling quiet...tired..worn out with life in general...i know thats prolly just meaning that i need to get a break and some time away from things..like really truly away from things...but yeah..im just tired and feeling quiet....thats all

my safety is feeling shakey...

today has been just a hard day..harder than i thought it would be... there are to many changes going on at work..people leaving..people moving..new people coming in..its not fair and i dont like it..nad i feel unsafe in the midst of all of these changes :(

i dont like change..i dont like when things have to feel ldifferent for me due to toher people making changes..i want to be happy for them i do..but instead i just feel mean and selfish for wanting them to stay..for allowing me to feel comfortable..

ive felt really depressed and standoffish today big time...

i think ill just go to bed early and try again tomorrow

stop hating your body...vid

i found this to be very realistic and inspiring....i visit the tumblr site often to read the stories of the girls and guys who share.

what is it ?

what is it that you want to say?
what is it that threatens to just break out of you?
what are the thoughts in your head that fill you with such fear?
what is your story?
what do you know?
what do you want to say?

today...

i am feeling scattered..samll..not myself..i want to do small things..watching cartoons..coloring..for some reason i am not feeling safe..if i had something to use to cut with i would have..i would have cut last night ..not this morning..this morning i just took to many of the clam down meds..and so im hoping soon that i just wont care about anything and ill just go back to sleep..today is a major hide out day. i dont know why.. maybe cas its fathers day and there is a major emptiness with that...maybe its that im afraid of the judgement i face at church and so i am avoiding it..no church today anyway..ive taken to many meds to make driving an ok thing to do anyway...i really just want to sleep..thats all...sleep and let the day just slip by..and i dont want to think about anything..am i in crisis ?? no im not..im just here..im just not sure who i am or what im doing today...

do you know why its so easy to accidentally overdose?   its because i take one pill..maybe two..and then i still just want to sleep and so i go and take one or two more..and on and on and on ...normally i can stop after a bit and the day is just gone...because all i keep thinking is how much i just want to sleep..i dont want to die..i just want to sleep..funny how that goes hand in hand when it comes to accidentally overdosing...i guess i need to explain that no im not going to overdose..im not..

and now im not even sure why i bothered to write this..i dont remember what the point was..or what i wanted to say..i dont know..maybe its best to just go and lay down for a little while .. yeah i think thats best...

thoughts..thoughts and more thoughts..

there is a lot going on in my head right now..i watched a fairly depressing movie..but before that i read a fairly depressing book..both had hopeful endings but to get to that spot you uhad to get throough all the hells of addiction that they were dealing with..i didnt do it on purpose..but now i am just feeling sad and out of sorts and tired and just unsure...

today hasnt even been a bad day..a little bit boring but not a bad day..maybe its just me..maybe there is something wrong with me..and i know this is prolly my head moving into irrationality..but its like why cant i be happy..why cant i be more interested in my day or more interested in doing stuff.instead of just like reading or watching movies or eating to much..and then i complain of being bored..i accomplish nothing..and do nothing..and just i dont know..i am feeling pretty bad right now though..maybe its just the accumulation of everything this week..maybe its the anxiety from earlier today..my desire to over medicate is really strong right now...

and i think ill skip church tomorrow...im not feeling very strong in faith or reasoning or god or anything right now...well i think im skipping church tomorrow...im not feeling really religious at all right now...

my thoughts are feeling a bit stuck on rewind right now...crap

this week..

well i made it to friday..i made it...without hurting myself...i didnt cut, i didnt purge..i didnt do anything harmful..ok so maybe making meals out of junk food could have been avoided but whatever...this week has thrown a lot at me..and i have been upset and sad for most of the week..my feelings have been hurt..i have felt betrayed..confused..lost..but i cant let all the not so good stuff overshadow the good stuff..

i was proud of myself for finishing my peer education class..i was proud of myself for getting most of my notes turned in on monday...i was happy being helpful and trying hard you know... the bad stuff was bad yes.but i tend to forget the good stuff...and i did see t this week..and i did get attention and encouragement from friends..and family this week...and yesterday when things just felt so overwhelming and not ok..i came home instead of doing things to make myself feel worse..

this weekend im planning on trying to do some fun things for myself..like getting my nails done..maybe go shopping for 1 new outfit..go to a movie..im going to my workshop thingy too.

and i have things to look forward too..possibly visiting nia in july, having a friend visit me in july, planning a trip to cancun...being able to get my passport..yes i work and have an income..and so i will bounce back from this week..i will..it just is taking me a little time to process and deal with it all.. thats all

if im sad..then im sad..but the sadness will go away again...it always does... and today is a new day..and i will get paid..and im waiting for my bank stuff to show up..but it will be ok..obviously them taking my stuff meant they needed it...but i dont know why..and im just trying to move on cas its over and done with...my old stuff is cancelled..and ill be getting new stuff..and ill be getting a smaller bag..and my bag will be staying in the trunk of my car while im working...and ill just keep my little snappy wallet on me if i need something...it happening once..was just bad luck..but i wont set myself up for it to happen again ... no i wont..

"It is not uncommon to fall down and cry, but do not stay down and drown in your tears. For when you start believing in yourself, doors will begin opening and greener paths unraveling. You will see the things hidden before by your sorrows. Rise up and go forward where your hope is telling you to go." - Dodinsky,

being led by others ..leads me nowhere...

once again i am letting myself..well allowing myself to be influenced by others ...and disregarding my own somewhat questionable common sense... see i know i am working hard to make changes..to learn and grow and heal..i am...and i know that i am taking it very slow and doing different things and looking for the right place for me to be..i am taking classes and talking to people and not isolating AS much..still isolating ..but im working on it...i have to understand that all of this is a work in progress and im not going to get things changed over night..and so i have to be patient with myself..but also i have to understand that not everyone is putting me on the same time frame that i have myself on..and that is going to have to stop..well im going to have to stop letting that happen..i have the support of friends and my director and my supervisor, and my therapist..who encourage me, and tell me that they can see that i am trying..and that i am doing things i originally wouldnt do...but then i have ppl telling me that im not trying..that im going to slow..that im not really depressed and that im making myself sad and miserable on purpose...and it hurts my feelings..do you really think i would do this on purpose?? that i would just be sad and depressed and feel hurt and all sorts of things on purpose?? no..i cant control it..i have some say so in how bad it can get yes..and if i am very careful and aware of myself and how i am feeling then yes i can keep it from getting incredibly bad..but sometimes nothing works..nothing helps..and i am depressed..and thats all it is... it is hard realizing that people dont understand how some mental health things work..or how it affects the person..and yes i deal with more than just depression..but its just not fair that im not accepted unless im pretending to be fine..well thats not true..i do have people and i have met ppl recently who accept me as i am..quiet or loud or sad or happy..whatever, whoever i am that day..they still talk to me and they arent afraid of me...i dont want people to be afraid of me...so yeah..i know that i am trying, and working hard and growing..and well that is going to have to be enough...and when i start doubting myself..all i have to do is go see someone who supports me and gain a little more encouragement to keep going...

2 hour conversation and i end up filled with doubt..

you know..long story short im just not sure religion is right for me..ok there ive said it...i dont understand it ..and being angry at god so i learned is just one more way to get myself sent to hell..and then its just me blaming god for stuff he didnt have control over..ok that last part i can understand a little bit..but in the conversation i had last night..its like in her eyes i am doing absolutely nothing at all to save my soul..and yes this is prolly me overreacting to the whole conversation..because there was so truth in some of what she said about me..and some truth in how she sees me...but not all ..and its like my small steps in the right direction are not fast enough to satisfy her..like im just forever going to be a lost soul and im cant be saved and im going to hell..and im judging god based on i dont know..and i cant do that because your not supposed to blaspheme god cas that is a one way ticket to hell...and ugh..its just so confusing..im trying ok..but i dont believe..and i dont know what needs to happen for me to believe..i really dont...im not giving up just yet ..but im quickly learning that religion and faith and all of this just isnt for me..im to literal..i want to know the why behind things..i cant go believing in something i dont see..or understand for that matter..i get told i need to pray and read the bible..but conveniently no one bothers to explain to me how..i dont think i ever cared much for  church or paid attention in church growing up...i went because i had to. because  i was told to. never because i wanted to. and now its more of a compulsion to go..to listen..to wait for something to happen..so enlightenment or something..i want things to be different and i dont care what anyone says i am working hard to see things differently and do things differently..but again my time frames for doing things and making changes is really slow and i guess thats not okay for some people...but i know myself enough to know that rushing is just going to lead to overwhelming myself..and that wont be good at all .. and the whole you are making the choice to be sad and depressed just bothers me so  very much..it makes me feel like i am faking everything..that i can be happy if i just smiled and talked more .. that i dont need the medicine or therapy or anything..that its a choice and i just keep making the wrong one...and i dont understand...

i am mad...still mad

i understand the economy is bad..i understand everyone needs money..ok fine..yes i work..but god damnit dont steal from me...im still mad and just having a hard time understanding that my clients 'friend' stole my stuff...i had it the day before..i had the morning of...but come the time to use what little bit i had for my medicine..its all gone..all my cash and my bank card...wtf?!?!  i searched my bag..i searched my car..i researched my bag..and nothing..my gift cards were still in my bag..all my receipts and everything else was still in my bag..but my cash and bank card were gone and i guess they thought i wouldnt notice or care..but excuse me..im not rolling in cash..i needed that money and i needed it for my medicine..and i had kept it because i knew i would just have enough to get my meds and get me to my next pay day...but now that is all ruined to shit and i am mad ..i was trying to help them out yesterday and in return they steal from me?? how does that work??  how is that okay in any way?  the more i think about it the more i start blaming myself..you know.i left my bag down..i should have moved it..but thats not fuckin fair..it was in my damn house and i can put my bag where ever i want to put it..no one had a right to be in it..no one..and its like my space was violated..my stuff gone through..i feel stupid..and mad and angry and just really really pissed off..because i cant do anything now...i dont have a bank card..but i did cancel my other one so that it cant be used...i dont have any cash..thankfully i was able to get my meds yesterday or i would have been flying off the damn walls somewhere..but its like thank you for being such as asshole because now im life is at a stand still until i get paid again and still i have to wait for my darn new bank card to come in...it i dont like that..its not even not having money that is the biggest issue..its that they were in my stuff when i was going out of my way to help them..to make them comfortable..and they freaking stole from me..if they needed if that badlly they could have asked..it wasnt a massive amount of money ..but for me and what i needed to do it was what i needed..and was counting on..and maybe im just really frustrated and i dont know...im just feeling very upset and hopeless right now...like no amount of helping is enough..in the end its just about money and what you can get from someone..and that is really disappointing to me..i didnt do anything to them..and i had already had a talk with my actual client about not having any extra money this week..did she think i lied...that i was going to magically just pull out lods of money from some where?  or that i wouldnt mind if some of my shit was missing..yes i minded ...i was pissed off..i am pissed off..

im just mad at everyone and everything right now.

that is all.

my past still haunts me

all i need is my birth certificate..that is all..i had a copy of it..i lost the copy i had...no big deal to just order a new one...

well obviously in my world it is a big deal a very very big deal..and i cant seem to get a copy of it..ive order it twice online for it to just be returned....the 1st return i knew about...the 2nd i didnt know about .so i was stupidly waiting for it to show up any day now..but finally i called today..and asked..and learned that both had been rejected pretty much..and i dont know why..i refuse to order a 3rd copy online..which leaves me the option of going to get it in person ... or well going to get it in person..that would be the quickest way..and by quick i mean that will be the most obvious way incase i have to go all over the place to get it...but i just wanted it to be a simple thing..order it online and be done with it..but something keeps going wrong ..the information i have isnt right..i dont know who is on my birth certificate..i listed mommy and i listed unknown and both returned..im pretty sure i have the right birthday, name, and social for myself...what other information am i missing?? why cant my stuff be found???  its stuff like this that gets me all worked up and panicking and out of sorts because i dont know what to do..and i know acting now is not a good idea becuase ill do something stupid..but waiting is not really an option either..and i really dont want to take a drive to ny...gosh i dont ..but what am i supposed to do...i asked mommy and she said she would call me back..thanks for the help mother..i really appreciate it...but i am in a majorly pissed off mood right now ..and i cant deal when i am feeling like this because i really am not able to think clearly at all ...and if my thoughts get away from me ..then it is going to take a while for me to get them back under control..and i was just beginning to feel stable..yes i need an increase on my meds before i kill someone...i am angry angry angry right now...and the problem is i have no safe way to get the anger out and so i am just angry and wanting to cry and being upset and just really not sure of what to do...something as simple as getting a darn birth certificate..and i cant even do that... FML

guess i just feel like writing..

i actually have a pretty big headache right now..and i realize that the longer i lay down the worse i am feeling headwise..so writing is my drug of choice for the evening...

im not sure really what i even want to say..but again my mind keeps rewinding my back to my chat with heather #2 since i know two heathers now lol..but heather #2 mentioned me writing my story..and in my own backwards way..i refused..pretty sure i came up with a whole lot of excuses..and reasons for why it cant be done...but its been two weeks i think since that conversation and still thoughts about it plauge me..i wonder what would i say..how would i say it..what message would i want to get across...and right now ..i think its very important for me to get my thoughts into words because in trying hard not to hurt myself that means i have to get them out some how...so today its writing...and im going to try hard to not ramble on and on and on and get it simple and to the point...ha thats pretty funny coming from me and my  ability to just ramble...

so heres goes...take 1 :

i never really considered that I had a story to tell.  i had decided that my life was just depressing and that as long as i kept up the pretense that i was happy then no one would really notice or pay any attention to me. I managed to slip through the radar of everything i did.  I was never the best, but i was never the worst.  i did enough to stay out of trouble but to not draw to much attention to myself because in my mind attention meant bad things.  I guess I got tired of always being on the look out for all the bad things that could and would happen.

I dont remember much about growing up.  I was pegged the quiet kid.  I did everything i was supposed to do and grew up in a household with a lot of foster children.  I guess you could say i was one of the lucky ones.  i was adopted as a baby with my twin sister, who did not make it past 3 years old due to a medical condition.  I was in trouble a lot growing up, I was blamed for things that i didnt do but still i was punished for it.  At some point I realized that defending myself did not help the situation.  If my mom said I had done it then she was right and i was wrong.  I learned to believe that I was bad, awful, and not good enough no matter what i did or didnt do.  I led a very sheltered life, i lived with a lot of brothers and sisters, we traveled, did family things, on the outside we were a lovely family.  my mom was the most giving person, she must have been very giving to have adopted so many of the foster children that she kept.

it is not common knowledge that my brothers and sisters and i are all adopted.  i know and found out by accident.  fear of what my mom will do to me keeps me from saying anything about it.  I am not allowed to talk about my sister, and sometimes i worry that no one remembers her anymore. I grew up thinking that i had two sets of parents and neither wanted me.  I wanted my mom to send me back to the adoption agency since i always seemed to be in trouble for some wrong that i had done. i prayed for her to tell me to just leave but she never did and i just the unspoken rules of the household.  i went to school, and spent a lot of my free time with my mom at her job.  she could tell you where i was at any time of the day.  I did not ask to do much because i had already been told that i was only good enough for cleaning.  I was compared to my brothers and sisters for not being like them.  i tried so hard to be like them and when i failed at it, my self esteem just continued to fall.  i was always being told that i was selfish, mean, and bad.  i believed her and no one could get me to understand anything different.  she was my mom, why would she lie to me about this? she would tell me that it was better that i heard all of it from her because she loved me.  so i listened to her, took in everything she said, and twisted it all around until i did believe that i was horrible and deserved everything that happened.  I grew up in an environment that was not warm or loving but i had all my needs met.  i was fed, sheltered, clothed. i dont remember ever getting a hug from my mom when i was younger and i just knew better than to ask for comfort for anything.  I closed in on myself.  I spoke when i was spoken too, i did not intitate conversation. i didnt have friends because i was always afraid of what others wanted from me.  my silence kept me safe but it has also trapped me becuase it is very difficult to let it go.

i did all the normal expected things, i went to school, graduated and then left for college.  in my mind college was my chance at freedom but i was not prepared at all to be in the real world and expected to take care of myself.  i skipped classes, didnt turn in work, i wasnt out partying. i was just isolating in my room. i was afraid of all of the people that surrounded me who i did not know.  i was geniunily surprised when i failed my first semester, i paid for the failure for a long time from my mom. somehow though i stayed in college, and continued to struggle to just manage and survive and get by.  i was fighting constant suicidal thoughts, i was doing anything and everything i could to hurt myself because that is what i thought made me feel better. it helped me calm down and focus.  still college was a struggle and i continued to fail out of my 2nd and 3rd semesters before it finally hit me that i had to finish college or i would be forced to go back home.  home was not a place i wanted to be at all, and so i began to truly work harder to do what i needed to do.  i started going to classes but i was still the person hiding in the back of the class with nothing to say to anyone.  my major had changed from nursing, to undeclared, to social work over the course of almost 4 years.  it wasnt until i began taking the social work classes that i found classes that i could relate too. classes that made sense to me. i excelled within the social work program and thought i had finally found my place in something that i could manage and enjoy.  within my classes i began talking to one of my teachers about some of the assignments i was required to do.  social work is all about self awareness, self reflection.  why did i want to be self aware ?  I was cutting, burning, and purging on a daily basis.  I saw no reason to be any more self aware or admit to what i was doing.  my depression still kept me from interacting with others and getting to classes on a regular basis.  i was bouncing in and out of therapy and refused medication.  i did not want to be viewed as crazy or having problems. i didnt care but my teachers did care.  while in the social work program some of my struggles became known.  the head of the department, my teachers, and others who knew me were asked to come to a meeting about me and my place within the program.  i was very angry at my teacher for 'telling' on me.  i didnt want to talk to any of them, i didnt want them to know anything about what i was doing or struggling with.  the meeting was held and i was there for parts of it.  A contract was made with very specific conditions for me to abide by if i wanted to stay in the program.  I had to go back to therapy and stay in it, i had to let my teachers or adviser know if i was feeling suicidal. i had to check in with them. I hated it. i think i hated all of them for a while because they were forcing me to face issues that i did not want to have to look at. i did end up following the contract with the exception of that suicide ruile.  suicide was to personal, i couldnt tell them if i was feeling that badly. i did not want to admit how often i was thinking about and wanting to die at that time. my internship was carefully picked so that i could avoid any extra stress that may cause me to start acting out.  i loved my internship at the hospital and really did thank my teachers for taking the time to place me in an area that was different and not as stressful as normal social work internships.  it took me almost 6 years but I graduated with my BSW in 2006.

i never thought i would make it past 18, or past 20.  Im now 28 and I am still alive. I am working at a job that is flexible enough for me to manage. I am able to work with others and give them support and encouragement, even when I feel that I am not doing anything helpful.   i still have daily struggles with depression, anxiety, self harm, and low self esteem.  I have been in therapy, I am in therapy, I am working with my doctors to find the right medications that help me stay stable enough so that i can go to work and manage and maintain.  i can now recognize the signs of when I am going downhill mentally and sometimes i can stop it and sometimes it just has to take its course.  during the hard time i have to be very careful to keep harmful things away from myself, i have to pay attention to my medication so that i do not take to much, i have to work harder to use the coping skills that work for me like writing, making collages, playing games online and reading. i am still in the process of learning to express how i am feeling without fear of being in trouble.  my past still affects me a lot of ways and i have been diagnosed with major depression, anxiety disorder, and ptsd with severe self harm. i still have to work daily to talk to others and i do have trouble maintaining eye contact with almost everyone.

I guess its easy to say that things will get better, that things will work out, but that's not completely true.  Things can get better but it take a lot of courage to face your fears, to face your past and to be able to move on from it.  Things can get worse before they get better, but the key is that no matter how much you try to ignore it, escape it, lie about it, in the morning it will still all be right where you left it.  It is not fun knowing that I am so different, knowing that my mind doesn't work right at times, when all i want to do is fit in.  i am learning that it is more important to accept myself where i am right now and not try to skip ahead or go backwards anymore. It has taken a long time for me to even admit that i was abused, physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. Yes they are things that have happened to me, and that i have lived through, but they are the past now. Now i am able to protect myself, and make choices that are right for me.   Healing takes a lot of time and effort and it may seem like you are just making baby steps both backwards and forwards, but eventually it will be easier to maintain the forward steps and find peace and happiness within yourself because life keeps going on and it is your choice how much of a part of it you are.

love is...just that... love

well i finally figured out what it is that has been bothering me ...and it was what the sermon thing was from bible study last week....the gist of it was that homosexuality is wrong.. well that wasnt all of it..but the part that stuck out for me and rubbed me the wrong way was the homosexuality part...i know churches have there beliefs..and that they want obedience and conformity..but this is an issue that just makes no sense to me and i dont understand why it is just such a big deal ..in church...in politics..in any freaking thing..whose business is it but mine if i said i liked girls..or boys..or both..crap you cant ask me anyway because im still confused as all heck on the matter...

i fell in lust with my supervisor who is in fact a girl..and i say lust not love because i dont know the first thing about love..but i do know and understand lust..and i wanted her..i wanted her to want me in the way that i wanted her..and gosh writing this out is so majorly confusing...yes i knew it was a relationship that would go absolutely no where..but that did not stop my mind from going every which way it could with it..and to say it was embarrassing is putting is nicely..very very nicely..because my mind can come up with some xxxrated stuff in a heartbeat..and i may be all shy and embarrassed about sex and talking about it and all of that..but my head is a whole different matter and this would be one of the times i am so very glad no one else can see into my mind..cas yeah...

ok deep breath..

umm theres a guy i like..there are girls im attracted too..and the more i think about it .the more i am pretty sure im actually bi and not a complete 100% lesbian..i mean really right now my hormones must be seriously out of whack or something because sex has been on my brain in ridiculous amounts.like ready and willing to sleep with anyone at any time type thinking..which is not ok for a lot of reasons!!  the past few weeks have been crazy sex driven thinking and acting and ugh..i dont understand it..normally you know im not interested in the opposite sex or the same sex or anyone..i just like being left alone..but then i kid you not my meds changed and  i was ready to find anyone to get rid of the sudden need for pleasure and blah blah blah... didnt not act on the thoughts thank heavens..but it was a trying couple weeks when i just couldnt let the thoughts go... sometimes im rather afraid that if i wasnt so afraid of stuff..i would have become a raging sexaholic or something...but i guess i went to the other end of the spectrum and just avoided everyone..

crap loads of deep breaths cas its interesting how some things cause different reactions... i feel like i need to go back to church just to be saved from whatever it is that is wrong with me..and i think that is the measure i got last week and that made me upset...on the list of sins i seem to be doing quite a few and i have a one way ticket to hell based on what im doing ..and not doing ... and in the churches eyes i guess my eternal soul is in question big time...i go to church..i listen..i watch..but i dont feel anything...well i feel that i want what everyone else seems to be getting and im not..i want to feel peace and acceptance and love and support and care..and its like ok well we can give you that but you have got to follow these specific rules and stop sinning..and be obedient and come to church and pray and ask for forgiveness..blah..its just so confusing .. and really feels very unfair...im trying to understand and  find faith in whatever it is that i am looking for..but at every turn i am just finding out that there is so much wrong with me that maybe there is no redemption left for me...god can forgive and heal..but i am still waiting..

something wicked this way comes..

either im having some major harry potter withdrawals or im just not in a very good head space right now..and i think its been kinda a downward turn since like umm thursday..i dont know what happened..i mean thursday was a really really good day i think...and then its like i over medicated for some reason and i just havent been able to swing back from it..im stuck within my thoughts where ever they may be..and they are not in a very positive place..and maybe its just that ive been doing so much thinking about cutting and harm and all of that..and wanting attention and not getting it..and i try .i tried to ask for attention this week but it was at work and i feel that ..i know that she is not able to give me the attention that i so desperately want...maybe im just feeling lonely and sad and its like suddenly im realizing just how alone i am up here..without family or close friends and all of that...ujst trying so hard to stay safe and find reasons to stay safe when all i want to do is hurt and hide and cry and isolate and ask why me to every single person i know...i think right now im just hung up on the why of all of this..why was i the one hurt..why was i picked on..why i was i abused..why do i have to hurt myself..so on and so forth..i want to know why ..i want to know what i did that was so awful that ive had to punish myself for my entire life..and then to make it even better ..i had to have it pointed out to me that i am punishing myself..because i was to stupid to figure it out on my own..so not only did everyone else in my life hurt me..but i was/am hurting me and it doesnt make sense when i try to explain why..i know im not making sense but still i try to explain it..i try to make everyone else understand just how awful i am and how bad..and how i must have been this horrible child to have been hurt so much..to have been picked on and hurt and hit ..but now its all been pointed out...the horror of me actually hurting myself has been pointed out and pointed out again...and yes ive had a few wake up calls in the past few weeks when it comes to my scars and what not..but stopping..stopping completely is very scary and has me feeling very sad, confused, lost, alone...how can i escape my thoughts without cutting?  how can i get rid of my fears and hurt without purging?  how am i supposed to manage to live in this world that im not sure i understand without being able to numb out everything? how am i supposed to deal with myself and my life on a daily basis with nothing to help me...nothing to distract me..nothing to help me stay contained and focused and just i dont know...  i know i have to stop..ive been asked to stop..ive been advised to stop..ive heard all the demands and the arguments for why its bad..crap ive been told its a sin..ive heard it all..and still i want it..i want the escape..i want the release..i want to feel something besides to dear and guilt and shame..i want to get out of my head..and physical pain does that..purging does that...to many meds makes me sleep and unless im having nightmares then that is an escape too... and without the cutting and purging..all i do is sleep...work and sleep..and life continues on without me..i dont know how to be a part of it..but i do know how to ignore it..but im not supposed to do that either..im supposed to be present and mindful and stay with the day and not skip ahead or jump backwards...but i have the most trouble with staying present when i feel so out of place in my current world..again i do enough to get by .. to slip under the radar.. thats how i justify my behaviors..as long as i am not hurting anyone else and still going to work and being an adult.then who cares just how much it is that im destroying myself..literally .. if i was being honest i would say that i could die right now and i wouldnt care in the slightest...you know what stops me?? the fact that my stupid apartment is a mess and mommy would kill me herself if she say just how messy it was...and maybe i just need to stop this one now before it gets any worse..

hmm ill change the subject....i did go to the workshop again this morning..and it wasnt as scary this time around ..but it was harder for me to focus because of so many people coming and going..there was just to much going on around me..and i can admit i was feeling a little bit jealous but that is my attachment issues coming up again..darn it.. but i did get two hugs today and that was helpful..but my mood was really down..and i just couldnt hide my sadness today..i dont know what was making me feel so sad but it was showing ..blah.. hate days like that..well days like this ... all day the sad feelings have been around ..and they show no signs of lessening or stopping or going away..and this is why i have to cut sometimes.. just to get a break from all of the thinking and sadness...

ok i am going to stop writing now..because this is one of those times when writing is not helping me feel better at all..

a sad day...i dont know why

just having one of those days where things just feel sad..everything is feeling sad..and im not sure really want to do...

did go to the workshop thingy this morning.but it was to crowded for me and so my attention was back and forth and all over the place..got a little bit of one on one attention..and then just kinda came home...mood was just really down..and im not really sure why..

maybe lunch and a nap and ill feel better or something..who knows

murky waters

my head has been full of mud today...murky water..slow..struggling to make thoughts and connections and just wanting to sleep...note to self ..3 klonopin in one day leads to an inability to function the next day..i just really truly had no interest in anything at all and it took me all morning to even get to the point of getting out of bed and getting dressed..just to realize that i had left the house without my wallet and yeah just a lot of struggling today with needing to stay focused and not able to..i dont think i cared about anything today..and that was the problem..i was tired and not caring..neither happy or sad..just ugh.i dont know..im hoping that once i get to sleep and wake up again tomorrow will be better..i think im still trying to  sleep off the extra meds i took and its just taking so long...i feel like all i do lately is just wor kand sleep..and it more sleep than work..i come home and lay down and i go to sleep..i wake up in the morning and depending on the day i either get right up and manage to get moving or i get up and have to end up laying back down because im still so tired...and i kknow im still adjusting to the meds and everything and i guess it would help if i took them correctly too..but yeah..

i havent cut and im trying hard hard super hard not to purge...

this is my life..im sleeping it away currently...but i think ill take the empty sleepiness to the chaotic spazzing out ..

not much...kinda just blahish

today was a lot fuzzy..and frustrating with some work stuff...i dont like ppl who think they can control someonee else..ugh..it irked me so much..and so i came home and took meds to calm down and crashed...hadnt planned on going to sleep but i ended up sleep..and when i got up i was really fuzzy and out of it..but managed to go to church..and i think that it was the need for comfort that got me there..cas of wanting hugs and comfort..so yeah..small burst of energy when i came home..but am laying down again now...not much to talk about from today..i think today passed in a pretty big haze..

old stuff...just some quotes

"Cherish your visions, cherish your ideals, cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts; if you remain true to them your world will at least be built."

 If I could give you one gift, I would give you the ability to see
yourself as I see you, so that you could see how truly special you are."

~ Author Unknown

 i want by understanding myself to understand others. i want to be all that i am capable of becoming

- katherine mansfield

but i identify myself, as always
with something that theres something wrong with
with something human

- randall jarrell

Speak when you are angry and
you will make the best speech
you will ever regret.

-author unknown

"Take time to laugh... It's music of the soul."

"The pain passes,but the beauty remains."
Pierre Auguste Renoir

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the moon and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no
doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

2nd try at the self harm talk..

i really woke up on the wrong side of the bed today and so im trying to calm myself down and all of that so i figured i would write a little bit ... but im trying to organize my thoughts about the cutting and all of that..i know it will take me a few rewrites before im able to write it in an objective manner...but self harm is where my thoughts are at ..so ill just write ...

When I started cutting myself I was in high school. Before that I was called a picker by my family.  I was always being yelled at or hurt because of constantly picking at bug bites, scabs, or anything that i could get to and just pick at. Looking back I realize it was more an a anxiety driven behavior, but because of how it was handled it escalated.  i learned to hide what i was doing to prevent being in trouble, to prevent being hurt even more.  it reached a point where i wanted to prove i could hurt myself more than anyone else, i had found a way to say i was hurting without having to speak. I had found a way to give my inner pain and struggles a way to be seen. the problem was that with the cutting, the need to hide it was almost more important than the actual act. I had strict rules for where to cut, and in the beginning told myself i would not cut in visible places.  I promised myself that i would stay in control, I was careful, i knew what i was doing and i could manage.  I told myself repeatedly that it was okay, that as long as i was not hurting anyone else no one cared what i was doing to myself. I was positive I could hide it for as long as i needed, and in all honesty I knew that it would be the cause of my death.  Cutting and suicide are often confused with each other.  I don't cut because i want to die, I cut to prevent myself from dying.  Cutting for me is the step before suicide, because i know that if i cut I will be able to release whatever it is that i am feeling at the time. I understand the dangers involved in cutting, and i can understand others fear my behaviors because i could accidentally cut the wrong place and die.

My promise of keeping it under control turned into more than ten years of self harm and even now that I am older and am in charge of my own life I still fight the urges to harm myself. For me there is a lot of shame involved with the cutting, I work very hard to keep the scars hidden and i do not talk about how i got the scars. i was very afraid that i would be judged, called crazy, and misunderstood.  It has been very hard for me to admit that I am a cutter.  I don't do it for attention and go out of my way to hide it.  My cats became my excuse, i was accidents, i worm long sleeves and jackets all the time to keep my arms hidden.  I felt like everyone knew what i was doing and that i was being judged because of it.

In all of the years I have been cutting, well in all of the years I have hurt myself because with self harm there is more than just cutting.  some people burn, or hit themselves.  Using drugs, overeating, overspending, and almost any addictive behavior can be classified as self harm because it is hurting you in some way.  it is either a internal or external hurt, but it is a hurt all the same.  It has taken me a long time to even begin to accept that I am harming myself.  I believed that I was safe as long as I never hurt anyone else. I wanted to tell someone that I was hurting but I didn't have the words.  I did not know how to ask for help, or attention.  I knew that if I showed the scars then I would get attention but it was not the attention I really wanted.  Growing up I was not taught that it was okay to speak and ask for help.  I knew how to hide and how to pretend that I was fine.  I learned to ignore the pain and take care of the cuts when they were 'bad ones'.  I did not often go to the hospital for care of the scars and as a result i will always have many of the  scars from the cutting. 

Within the past couple years I entered into the professional mental health world in a way that allowed me to talk and offer support to others who are struggling with different mental illnesses. It has been in this setting that i have found the most understanding and support.  I know there are uncertainties with having a person who is struggling with mental illness going out and working with a client who is struggling with their own mental illness. I was given the chance and the support to do it and have enjoyed my work. 

 It has been in this that I have learned that cutting and other forms of self harm are not healthy.  I am hurting myself, and that is not okay. I have scarred my body and there is still a lot of shame because the scars will never fade away.  the scars are now a part of me, a part of my life, a part of my story.  I am learning that in order for me to be accepted by others, i have to accept myself.  I am learning that the self harm is a symptom of other mental illnesses.  I have been in and out of therapy, I have tried medication, I have talked and shared a little bit with others that i could trust about my struggles with self harm.  it is hard to explain the urges, the need, the desire to hurt because sometimes the pain inside of me is to much to deal with. I am slowly learning that I need to talk about it because if I keep it hidden then I am still going to believe that it is okay.  It has taken a while to understand the importance of having supportive friends due to having a non supportive family. I am understanding that it is important for me to talk about the urges and how i am feeling.  I am still learning how to verbalize what I am feeling and how to ask for help without hurting myself.

my self harm behaviors have decreased a lot in the past 2 years.  It still happens but i understand better now that if I am hurting myself then i do need to ask for extra support, i know that i need to work harder to stay busy, and use my coping skills. I can make it through the urges now without acting on them, im not successful all the time but every time i manage without cutting is a success for me.  i am still working on stopping the behavior completely.  cutting is an addiction, the more i try to stop, the more i want it.  Not the act itself but the release that it brings me.  I no longer carry razors with me everywhere i go and I can manage longer periods of time without cutting.  I have to remind myself repeatedly on a daily basis that i am okay, and that its okay to feel the feelings that i am feeling.

The most important thing that i can say about self harm is that it is not okay or helpful to demand that the self harmer stop the behaviors.  If it was easy enough to just stop, I am positive that we would all stop and let that be the end of it.  Placing demands on a behavior that is so addictive sets the self harmer up for failure if they give into the urge after promising not too.  it is important not to take away a self harmers tools because anything and everything can be used to cause harm if the urge is strong enough.

The most important thing I can think of to say to other self harmers is that it is possible to find support and understanding.  It may come at the most unexpected times and from the most unexpected people, but it can and will happen.  I will also say that it is important to understand and accept that there are people who will struggle to understand the behavior, to understand the act itself, but that does not make you a bad or horrible person for cutting.  as i said behavior cutting is a symptom of something more, it is not something that defines who you are.  It is okay to ask for help and support.  It is okay to sit down and just talk to someone about how you are feeling.  The biggest challenge self harmers have is expressing themselves verbally.  we have to relearn to speak, to feel, to live free of being hurt by ourselves or others. 

It may feel like you are alone in your struggles, but you are not.  There is help out there. 

craptastic day...

well ive calmed down..a lot since earlier..i think im still feeling pretty sad but im not on the war path of destruction sad...i did end up b/p this evening...ate until i knew iwould be sick..again..-sigh-  im trading the cutting for the b/p...i just cant do both at the same time..that would be to much..but i need the cutting to decrease and so in its place is the b/p...and im doing stuff like this and it just makes me really wonder how i am in recovery when i am still doing so much to harm myself..if i was being truly honest...oh i dont know..i know today has just not been a great day and i know that i am taking it out on myself..and that my need for comfort was coming out strongly and i wasnt able to get it and so..the next step is attack myself in some way..and i know tomorrow i will hurt a lot from the purging..but ill live with it..the pain reminds me im alive..and im just hoping i guess that i will be more positive and with it tomorrow...maybe not seeing t today also played into my bad mood...i alway see her on tuesday..and today i wasnt able to see her ..cas no more weekly sessions...so yeah..a lot has played into my mood today..

disconnected...

im feeling very sad and upset and hurt right now...

i ..me..am just wanting lots and lots of comfort and not being able to get it is leading to all sorts of not ok thoughts...i know that i am reacting to my doc visit this morning and i should have relized that there would be an aftermath of sorts...but at the time i didnt...i went for labs...and ended up having to stay there for almost 2 hours while they tried and tried and tried some more to get blood drawn...6 times..and one busted vein later  they got enough to send in to be tested...i really hope they got enough ..because im not sure i can do that again...yeah sure i was laughing and joking and what not while there..but it was just the repeated poking and looking and checking and being stuck and them not getting what was needed...repeatedly thrashing the used needles and bottles with just little bits of blood because they couldnt be used..but now the overwhelmingness of it all has set in...the fact that two nurses checked and rechecked me to find a proper vein .. and those its only going to be a little prick are the biggest lies ever...i sat and watched them..each time..i watched..i saw when the nurse popped the vein she was going for..i asked if i was supposed to be seeing that much blood coming out..i watched all the missed attempted and how much i was bleeding underneath the needles...and still i said it was ok..that i would rather get it over and done with now and not have to come back again for them to draw blood..so i stayed and they kept trying...until they got one..that just barely gave enough..and now im left feeling very very sad and alone and hurt..i actually just feel like crying and maybe its an accumulation of a lot of different things..and its just all coming out now..i dont know...but i know that i have to manage and keep it together for about 2 or 3 hours..and then i can go home and crash again..i dont want to think.i dont want to feel anything else..im tired

just crashed last night....

i dont know what happened ..i mean i knew i was really tired when i came home..so i just took my night meds and went and laid down..and ended up sleeping...from like 7:30pm to 5:30am..i wasnt able to do anything..just sleep..i woke up a couple times..but still ended up going back to sleep...i guess missing my naps caught up with me..ugh...im not a fan of days like that because its like i cant get anything done..i just sleep..

just writing....about self harm

"This isn’t a perfect world, people do get hurt.. you smile when you are feeling like crying.. you act like your okay when your falling apart inside.. and you let it go.."

~unknown~

It has been more than ten years,  i dont know how i managed to go so long hurting myself.  I never used to call  it hurting myself because i did not understand that was what i was doing.  I knew I was cutting, I was burning, I banged my wrist on the walls, all i wanted was to make the pain that was inside of me stop.  I didnt realize that the scars wont go away, or that i would be asked what happened over and over and over again.  I have two cats, they scratched me, or well i was in an accident as a child, so many excuses. I promised myself that i would be able to control it.  I promised myself that it would be okay.  I made myself believe that it was okay. 

I started cutting in high school, i broke apart shavers and picked out the small razors.  Tools of the trade can be anything the person wants.  if you want it bad enough, then it is possible to find a way.  Razors, scissors, staples,glass, knives, broken things, sharp things.  anything that will bring you relief from life, from living, from feeling. I wanted to feel nothing, i had been hurt so much that i no longer wanted to feel.  I knew how to associate pain with love and so pain became my punishment.  I could make myself hurt. I could make myself believe that this would be the last time.  i thought that as long s no one knew why would it matter.  As long as i wasnt hurting anyone else why should anyone care.  I was very careful, I was very controlled. I cut but I believed I deserved the pain.  I believed that I was just getting to the inevitable.  I learned that i was my own worst enemy and that i could take anything that i dished out.  no amount of hurting myself was enough, there was always something else.  a memory, a feeling, being hurt, picked on, harmed.  the cutting that i believed i could control became a daily thing.  i kept my razors on me all the time.  i had to have them at all times incase i needed them. Sometimes I took care of the cuts, and i spent a lot of money on first aid supplies.  

I went to college, and things got worse.  I was by myself, pushed into a world that i wasnt prepared for and did not know how to handle.  cutting was my escape, cutting was all mine and no one could make me stop. it didnt matter that the cuts moved from my arms to my legs.  in my anger and pain i cut any and everywhere. i didnt care, i was positive no one would ever see the scars.  i was positive that i would outwit anyone would tried to ask questions or who tried to help.  on the surface i was just a quiet girl, who appeared to be managing, who apperared to be getting by.  no one would think to question the scars that appeared or the bandages that never seemed to go away.  

I was in and out of therapy during college. suddenly i was being told that i was harming myself, that it wasnt okay to cut.  that it wasnt okay to hurt myself.  i didnt understand why anyone would tell me that when i believed with my whole heart that i was worthless, that i deserved to hurt, that it was okay as long as i wasnt hurting anyone else. i thought everyone else was trying to take away from escape. they wanted me to stop, they told me to stop, they threatened, and bribed and guilted me until they got the answers they wanted.  i said okay.  i said i would stop.  i tried to stop but the urges were stronger.  i got better at hiding them, i started burning because they were easier to hide and care for.  no one could take away what i wanted and i wanted to hurt. i needed to hurt. i needed to be able to get away from the pain and the hurt that had stayed inside of me for so long. 

the years passed and cutting stayed with me. i went through college, and graduated. i got a job. i held multiple jobs, and still no one seemed to notice or care.  i did my job. i was just a little bit quiet.  i was a little bit of a loner.  no one needed to know about the razors, the knives, or anything else i was using.  i didnt want to tell anyone ..i didnt want anyone to know of my behaviors that i considered shameful. i was ashamed of the scars that formed. i was frustrated that i couldnt stop.  i was in and out of therapy but i wasnt good at expressing myself verbally.  

to be continued

morning thoughts...

well ive been up once again since like 4:30..stupid meds..i try not to take them to early but im waking up massively early..i think i fell asleep last night about 9:30ish..but yeah so ive been up for a while..at first i wasnt going to do anything at all..but just lay in bed and waste my morning until i had to get ready for church..but that didnt work out as planned..and for what ever reason i ended up eating and purging...now im not completely sure if it was on purpose on not..i was feeling sick after eating so i just helped along a natural occurrence..yeah.. i mean truthfully i was feeling sick..did i HAVE to make myself sick..no...but well its all over and done with now..and i cant help thinking that i am sabotaging myself yet again...which is what i was supposed to be writing about any way..my consistent need/urge for self sabotage...its like yesterday was to low key..yesterday i talked to much..i was around to many people for to long..whatever it is about yesterday that made it almost ok..meant that today i had to just start off on the wrong foot...the hope is that now that ive b/p i wont do anything else..and that ill be able to keep myself distracted and busy and all of that good stuff...thats the hope..but i am going to church..and maybe to a couple stores..and then home because i have got to do paperwork tonight/tomorrow morning..i have to stay caught up..

jessica is not going to be in church today and i think that has me feeling a little bit on edge..im slowly getting used to not sitting with her all the time now..but i like knowing that she is there and that she will give me a hug..but shes not there today..and she told me that on wed..so i guess ive had time to prepare...but it makes my need to hide and all of that become more prominent and stuff..and that is a problem..if i take any more of the klonpin ill fall asleep in church..its bad enough that ill be fighting sleep with just the one that i am supposed to take in the am...but i actually didnt nap yesterday either..yay me..i think i wanted too though...but i managed to stay awake..

i cant get a conversation out of my head from yesterday...and im not sure about the whole writing my story and sharing it..and yada yada yada...and i think its more of an attention thing...like to much attention..but at the same times its like what is it going to hurt..writing part of it?  sharing it? crap i would prolly take jessica a copy anyway..because the piece of it that i think im dancing around is that..if i share it..then i have to accept it..not like it or forget it or anything..but just accept it..own that it happened..and that its affected me..and so on and so forth...but i keep trying to just blend myself into the back ground and just not share or tell or say anything...but what has that gottten me??  nothing but more hurt and shame and guilt that i shouldnt have to carry around... so i keep thinking..and wondering and trying to figure out what i would say..how much i would say... but the other piece of it that i am thinking about is what is it that caused me to be the way i am now ?  i have mental challenges..i guess if i was being technical then it would be that i have a mental illness..but which one is it that i have..i know what i dont have..and i know enough about all of them to be able to pretty much guess what it is that i have been dx'd with...i mean most of the time i dont want to know..i can group it all under depression...but well self harm isnt under depression..self harm is lumped into the bpd, or eating disorders, or possibly bipolar .. but i dont think its under depression..and actually what one therapist said was that it was ptsd with severe self harm...joy..

but i think that it is the self harm that causes me the most shame...no the purging causes the most shame..but the self harm isnt far off ... but the problem i have is that not many ppl understand it..and im not comfortable talking about it..because of that whole judging thing...but at the same time how are people supposed to being to understand it or know about it..if there is no one willing to talk about it?  and i guess it makes me feel trapped because i could talk about it..admit i do it..have done it..still do it ..whatever.. but i could also explain why..the reasons behind..the differences between self harm and suicide..and etc..i know all the information.. i am the information..my life is the reasons..but who is going to know that ? ugh .. it upsets me that there is shame associated with self harm..i mean yeah i do my fair share of it...but i need to work on not doing that...because the self harm is a symptom..it is not a death sentence..so yeah..i dont know just yet ..what it is that i want to do...but the need to write is there...i need to write something..i just cant seem to organize my thoughts enoguh to get it down and let it make any sense...

im supposed to be an advocate..a supporter..a listener..a helper...and that means that i cant keep hiding...i cant keep pretending that reality is not there...it means i have to talk..and talk..and talk some more...i will make people listen to me..and i will prove that i am not crazy ..because im not..i have challenges that involve me hurting myself..but i am not crazy..because i can hurt myself and be quite logical about the whole thing...but im feeling suddenly very just upset i guess..so i guess i need to get up and get moving or something..

i really need to organize my thoughts...

today ...well today has not gone as planned at all..it was different..not in a bad way exactly..just different...but before i write about that i need to go back a few days and update my crazy therapy issues and what not..

im really not sure what i want to do about therapy..i know that i still need to be in therapy..i know that i still have a lot to work through but im still upset i think...sad that its come to this point and i really am just unsure of what it is i want to do..what i need to do...i think taking a break from therapy for a while may be the best idea...i really do...my therapist is right in that i am very dependent on the idea of therapy and not therapy itsself..i want her to fix me but i dont want to do the work..because i know that she will keep being there to pick up my broken pieces and somehow stick me together enough to make it through another week...i rely on her..on my director..on kathy..on lady..on denise..i rely on all of them to fix me and make me better and then im upset when they say that wont coddle me..that they wont be my crutch..crap i just want a crutch ..and i think that is my problem right now..that im not depending on myself to help myself at all..and maybe linda is seeing that and that is what she is trying to get me to see..but im my mind all i got was her attacking me in a way and telling me that ive once again screwed up...and as i write this i realize that there is a plan forming..not to die...but to live...oh i want linda in a different way than i want my supervisor or lady or denise..but they are not able to help in the way that i want them to help me...maybe its that i am being forced to think and accept that i cant have a parent..not the way i want one..and that trying to replace the one i have is getting me no where..and i just end up hurt and upset when i think my needs arent being met..and the problem is that my needs are so far out there that i dont think anyone can meet them..because i want this perfect parent that will be loving and supportive and understanding and not mad at me...never mad at me..and help me and love me..and yes there is a trend here..ugh..but again it was one of those ..everyone is telling me the same thing and so that means i need to look at myself and figure out what in the hell it is that i am doing that is causing this to keep happening...i need to take responsibility for my actions..and as much as i dont want to look into that mirror of obviousness..i guess i have no choice....because earlier this week when i was feeling so hurt and upset when i ws told that i wouldnt be able to see my therapist on a weekly basis anymore..and that i owed so much money that i wouldnt be able to go back to weekly at all...and my need to lash out and hurt myself where just going crazy..instead i over medicated and just slept and zoned out majorly...but even that as to end at some point..and i have to come back to myself..and i have to realize that this is not going to kill me..this is not the end of the world...that i still have to get up in the morning and live throughout the day..i am still very very sad ...but it is becoming a little bit more manageable..a little bit..but i realize that once again maybe linda is right..i have become so dependent that therapy right now is not as helpful as it could be...but to get me to do anything differently i have to be forced to make a different decision.i have to be pushed up against the wall and made to make a choice..and it has taken me days to even get into a place where i can consider the possibility of managing without therapy...or having that support...and as much as i want to whine and moan and throw a tantrum i know that it wont do anything for me...

so that kinda brings me to today..i mean mood wise ive been pretty netural the past couple days i think..and yes it helped that i got paid yesterday and went shopping ..after paying some bills of course..blah

but i had to work a little bit this morning and so i was up and out of the house super early..but i did my work stuff and then kinda just went to the wrap class thingy that i had been wanting to go too..i convinced myself to go because well i was in the area and i wasnt doing anything..and well i can be depressed at home at any time...so i went..even though i was scared and slightly panicked..but i went ..and it turned out to be not what i expected...i mean the area i kinda knew but i dont spend a lot of time on e broad..but i knew of the place Hilltop Promises..but i hadnt ever been in there..and that is where the class was at ... so not only wans i going to be around new ppl..i was going to be in a new area, a new building, a new everything..and i did strongly consider just giving up and leaving .. because i kept telling myself that i was ok and that i didnt need to be there and that it wasnt going to be able to help me..the instructor person was running a bit late..and so i did have to deal a little bit with the random dude trying to ask for my number ..blah...but the class started and all of that..and because of where it was at ..my attention was all over the place..i was listening and not listening..and i was hearing the music and seeing the other people coming and going and so yeah ..it was super hard to focus..but after about an hour or so things started calming down and things got a little easier to hear and understand..and so i was able to pay a bit more attention...and all to soon the class was over..and i just kinda stayed at the place..i mean really where else was i going to go??  what did i have to do?? so i stayed and talked to heather about the wrap program..and other stuff..and we talked about other stuff..and i had my moment of bad example making by talking about alcohol with the 13yr old community service chick..but i mean we did have a good conversation about strippers and school and kids and i guess i sorta miss having conversations like that...just a good debate ..i mean i may not be good at talking but i do like having a good conversation at times..but anyhoo..i ended up talking to heather off and on while there..and i end up triggering myself a little bit ..and became way to interested in the staples i was playing with at the time..so i finally had to get them away from me..and instead worked on grounding myself by writing my name a bagillion times until i was able to get out of the sudden not so great place i had ended up in...but i did..and it was ok...kept talking about wrap and talked some about myself and all of that..weird i know but she asked if she could share my story...in the newsletter thing...and i wanted to say no...i may have really wanted to say no but instead i think i just told her that i didnt have a story..that i had nothing to say..that i wasnt an inspiration or a hope to anyone...i dont mean to be so negative..but its just attention and being noticed and all of that makes me afraid and nervous...so i told her she could write it and i would read it and let her know what i thought about it...i told her i would consider writing something about myself for the news letter..but im not sure yet..but i did say i would let her use some of my collages..so there was a lot going on in my head right now..and im wondering if ive said to much..if ive put myself out there just to be hurt again .. i mean i talked about the self harm and depression and meds..all without getting into major details ..but i mean serious stuff....which again made me realize that no matter how much i try or how much i may want to be seen as being normal and whole..that its the normal and whole world that is not so accepting of me and my behaviors..but today..while at hilltop and just being there..i was accepted..no questions asked..i felt accepted..and i got hugs.from one lady.more than one ..and i didnt even ask! but i guess i just noticed it so much because ive felt so unaccepted lately..and so just by myself in all of this..and how separated i am because of the cutting..its not that i have a mental illness or that i have issues or problems .. its that i am a cutter that causes the most judging and misconceptions...if i said i was depressed ok fine..anxious, ok no problem...but i cut..oh hell no..you are going to hell type conversations happen..and its like shocking..because i do feel that it is not fair ..and it is hurtful..and it is hard to feel understood in a world that doesnt accept or understand my behaviors...and so it is hard..but anyhoo not what i was going to write about...umm just ..i think its just been a lot of day for me..i spent more than 4 hours around other people..i think my docs would call that a success...

so yeah i think my head was just on overload a bit and i needed to write some things out...still thinking .. on a lot of different things...