can i let go?

i wrote a little bit about therapy i think already..but there was a part of it that i keep thinking about...i talked about an event that you know was pretty harmful and scary and involves a lot of guilt and shame..and we talked about it and i tried to stay there and listen and hear her but i think at some point i got floaty and sorta couldnt deal as well and i was scared and upset ..but at the end of our talk linda did this whole visual thing with me..and i got stuck..i couldnt let the memory go ..and im not really sure why...she told me that you know there was this table..and that on the table was this particular memory..and maybe other stuff you know..and she asked if it had a shape..and i told her no..that it was just all broken..so there was just all of these pieces you know..she said i could sweep them up..and throw them away..because it wasnt my fault and so i didnt need to keep it..and she asked if i could do that..if i could see myself doing that..and i was thinking you know..i was trying really hard to do it.but i couldnt..i can see myself just standing there..looking at all of these broken pieces..and wondering about all of the stuff that is piled up around it and how they same to be all connected..and i want to just sweep up the broken pieces..i do..but i cant...i can see it all but i cant act on anything or do anything ..im afraid..to move it. to let go of it.  what will happen to me when it goes away?  what will happen?? how will i feel?? maybe it really is just fear .. i dont know how to let it go..i means ive accepted it..accepted it..i dont know..

a lot disappointed....taxes ...

i havent gotten my tax stuff yet..but i was just messing around on the h&r website..and basing my taxes for last year on estimates and everything..and since nothing was withheld you know..i know im gonna owe..but just how much i owe is depressing...really super depressing ..and i know i was just estimating and everything..but ugh..i most certainly wont be filling early this year...but i also think that yeah its time i found a job that takes out taxes and all of that..and has benefits...id rather not owe the govt for the rest of my life you know...i already have student loans..i really dont want to make it any worse..blah..

today

 Get busy living, or get busy dying.- Red (shawshank redemption)
Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free. 

i really truly dont know how it is that i have never actually watched The Shawshank Redemption before..i really dont.  ive watched The Green Mile a lot of times and that movie makes me cry every time I watch it.  but this moviie is interesting..it makes me think..and yeah like i need anything else to think about right now..essh..but im watching it and it is a good movie..the message is good you know..but you gotta get through all the hard stuff to see the hope ...

so today has been pretty level..mood wise..there were a few moments of not okayness and major frustration..but somehow i managed to let go of it and move on...or im trying to cas of course now im thinking about the unfairness of it..blah..but now i cant do anything about it right now and it is a work issue and im stuck waiting it out...and for the love of all things good i hope im taken off of this particular case..i really am..ugh..im done with her and her lies and her stupid unfounded anger and her lies and her revenge driven vindictiveness..im just done..i understand that the population that im working with will have its problems and concerns you know..i know there will be accusations and lies and all sorts of things..but with her i feel very hurt and betrayed..like i went out of my way to help her and i cared about her kids..and did what i could to make things easier for her..and this is what she does?!  no..its not ok..her mental stuff is not an excuse..and i refuse to let it be one..and so i am trying to deal with my hurt feelings and take it for what it is..and move on..but i am just so darn hurt and i dont understand the need to hurt another person out of anger..maybe its because its happened to me so much before in my life..that i am hurt as a result of other ppls anger..and its not okay at all. i dont like being attacked..i dont like being pointed at or cursed at..ive had enough of that..i dont want it to keep happening..i dont want to set myself up to be in a position to be hurt like that again..i cant..and so im trying to trust my supervisor..and follow her lead..thats all i can do right now..

im feeling tired tonight..im thinking its the new meds..who knows..maybe im just tired..but i have some notes to do..

tomorrow is a scary day..i have to talk to linda...really talk to her about a few things..and i have to stay on track and not get side tracked..i need to ask her about what im doing..where im going..and what she means about not being able to help me maybe..i dont know what ill learn..or what ill be able to acknowledge..but i have to try..i have to talk

goal

my goal for the week ...is to not take on anyone elses problems... i have enough of my own to deal with !

today

today has been a pretty hard day...i can acknowledge that..today has kinda sucked in a lot of ways...i had to see the gyno this morning..and that whole appt and exam and yeah..sends me over the edge big time..im at a point now where i can go through the exam..and i can understand the point of getting the exam..but each and every time i feel anxious and afraid and majorly triggered..the whole being touched in that way and being undressed in the presence of another person..and the doc i had was very nice..and tried to talk to me and distract me i guess..but im sorry your hands and other things are in a place that i am majorly not comfortable with...how in the heck can you tell me to relax at a time like this ?? this is the least relaxing moment of my life..but i made it through the appt..and my meds were changed to a different type of bc..which im willing to g ive a try with and see if it works...and the meds are now only $5 for 2 months worth....much better than the $90 of my other prescription was per month...so i guess the appt had its benefits..but good grief .. i was just tearful and upset for most of the day..i didnt want to talk to anyone and i didnt want to be around anyone at all..it was hard..just sitting and thinking made me feel tired and overwhelmed..but for now its over and down with..and i am slowly coming out of my isolation mood...

i was a bit removed tonight at my staff meeting..my supervisor asked what was wrong and mentioned that i had kinda pulled away tonight..and yes she was right i had..but my mood was just off and well has been really off the past few days...but tonight i am thinking again..and wondering again..and looking for answers...and actually fixing dinner..so that is good ..

having to look at me....goodness...

so i guess i am back in the world of the living...you know looking at the world and seeing it for what it is and not getting caught up in my own stuff...in all honesty i guess you could say i was stuck in my own pity party..and maybe that is being harsh but i dont know what else to call it..i was struggling yes..but what was the step that changed to struggling to just pitying myself..my life..my everything..i want things to be better but like it was pointed out to me i dont do the work to make it better...

im feeling rather confused right now..or maybe it is just that i dont want to acknowledge my own stuff..and face what it is that i try so hard to fight..so hard to hide..the broken parts of me that tend to take over and not let go..but i had a chat tonight and some interesting concepts came up...well interesting concepts were questioned .. and i want to just run crying and screaming and deny it all..because there are parts of it that i dont understand ..and i dont know how to process what i dont understand..and i know that i will prolly be thinking about all of this for a while..but the concept of that i am getting something out of this cycle of depression that i have caught myself in..that i am getting something out of being the victim..and i dont like that..because i know that logically i dont want to be a victim..i dont want pity..i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me or pity me..or tell me how sorry they are for my life...but its been years of therapy..in and out of therapy i have gone..and each time i manage to reveal a bit more..i manage to talk a bit more..but still im struggling with the same stuff ..im still struggling with ..and its not any better...i feel no closer to conquering it noow than i did then..i so much want to say that im stronger..that im better..and in some ways yes i have grown up and learned more and managed ..but that is all i do..i manage..i exist..i do just enough to get by..and i want more than that..i need more than that..but what is it that this victim role gets me?? i dont understand it..i dont know what need it is that is being fulled because i just feel like i need so much and nothing is getting filled..that im still searching for how to get my needs met...but at the same time maybe i am using my struggles as an excuse to not get better..maybe i am just so comfortable where i am at..well i think im comfortable where im at..but all i can think aobut is why it is that i am not happy..why it is that i am not like everyone else..

a couple things i know though...
1. i really truly want someone to save me..i dont want to save myself. i dont know how to save myself..i want linda or kathy to save me..to fix me..to put me back together..i want a mommy
2. im not putting in as much work as i could ..like im not invested in the healing of myself..i dont believe i can be healed. i dont like myself . i dont care about myself. i believe i am worthless, nothing, bad, awful, evil. i dont believe i can be better..and so that makes it hard for me to be in therapy and know that what i am working on depends on me learning to like..tolerate myself..i need to care about myself..believe that i am worth something..
3. i have to want to save myself..i have to want to get better.
4. i have to understand that this is not going to change and be totally different over night..i have a long long road in front of me ..

im afraid...very afraid you know afraid of thinking about this ..afraid to acknowledge this..afraid to have to look at this ...
but at some point i have to learn i think..that my silence protects no one..and that if i want to get better..then i have to want it..

sometimes its a pain getting a kick in the butt..

a time when i was happy...i think

you know...i was thinking tonight of a time when i was happy..a time when my job drove me crazy but i still managed to love my kids..still managed to enjoy working with them and seeing them..and being around them..when working didnt bore me to tears.. the more i think about it..the more i am thinking that my job bores me...i mean i can do my job without thinking to much..i can do it without much effort i guess is what i am trying to say. i like my job i do..but its not a challenge to me anymore ..i know my clients..im learning the system of where i live..and im used to doing the same thing every day... its not hard at all..and i think it is making me want to figure out what to do..where i want to go..i dont know ...maybe its been since my supervisor mentioned that i would have to look into getting a desk job if i didnt get a handle on my anxiety surrounding court and being in court..but i dont know...i know right now i just really want a change..something different..but im not in a place right now to even begin to look at changing jobs or moving...this time next year i guess ill be looking at changing something...but for now..who knows..i know i want to go back to working with kids..i think i may want to go back to residential...who knows..i may wonder if ive died if i go back to talisman...goodness...but i know that eventually ill find my way back to asheville...if i cant figure out anything else though..i do  know that...i was happy in asheville..i liked asheville.

confused

I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Ive been watching episodes of the l word. Its an interesting show you know but the umm sex scenes are like wow. Like nothing is really left out and its like holy cow. I know I'm an adult and everything but it really feels wrong to watch it and see it and respond to it..ugh I don't understand. I watch and question myself and my umm pretended and I don't understand. I still feel very confused about my past supervisor who I was going crazy over. And I miss her and miss talkinng to her and seeing her. Hen I have the guy who I'm sorta talking to and I feel nothing for him. I don't want to know him. I don't feel like I could be attracted to him. I just am not sure about it. Its just caonfusing and I wish I could understtand Myself

well..

tonight  for the first time all week ..i am feeling calm and not like you know im ready for the world to end..its been back and forth you know all day..but for now im feeling calmer and so im trying to take it for what it is..fighting sleep because my mood is in a much better place..but well sleep will win out soon enough..i am sleepy tired..im not feeling as down and out as i was earlier today...maybe its because i came home and finally ate something..i hadnt eaten all day today..and i was noticcing that throughout the day i was feeling more tired you know..maybe i need to work on eating on a more regular basis during the day..i dont know..im afraid to look to far into the future you know..right now all i can manage is the day that im in..thats all ive got right now.

im feeling rather invisible and alone ..i try to write and ask for support but no one answers..and i wonder whats wrong with me..why am i still passed over again and again?  am i not messed up enough? have i done something wrong? am i not doing something right ?  i dont know..it maakes me sad and makes me wnat to just stop trying you know..i want to support other people but the unfairness of the lack of support i recieve makes me want to just ignore everyone..i dont know..maybe im looking to deeply into it..maybe im making a mountain out of nothing..but its just bothering me a lot..

today work was tiring..a lot of time spent in the hospital with clients..it got to the point that i was just so tired and worn out..and i never thought i was going to get out of the hospital..ugh..but its been a long week in a lot of ways..a lot of bad thinking and hopeless thinking..im hoping that it passing though..that would be nice..the detached dead feeling was just not okay you know..im still not 100% but tonight is a little bit better.

it is what it is...

im just tired

Im jjust so tired. I don't want to keep fighting anymore

have i given up??

something has been off with me the past few days.  ive just been struggling you know...really bad depression and anxiety and paranoia ..you know just hard days to get through...but today i dont know...i thought i was doing ok you know..but twice today my 'not okayness' was called into question..and now im not so sure..

i saw linda tonight and i rambled on and on and on..about things going on and my anxiety.  she actually asked me if im taking my medicine..my mood was that down..i dont know..i talked about how i feel you know..and well how i currently feel makes her worry..i told her i was okay you know..and she told me she doesnt think im okay..she said that its like ive given up..and i really have been thinking about that..have i given up?? do i want to keep trying? i just dont know.  im feeling more suicidal but well those thoughts are always aronud you know.  its not any worse..but talking about it with her just has me thinking about it a bit more..no im not going to act on them..but in my head the thoughts make sense. a lot of sense..and i still cant get myself to care..i should be worried about myself..i should care..but i dont ..i really dont..maybe i am just tired of everything..tired of life..tired of trying..tired of being so very alone..maybe i have given up in some ways..im just really not sure about things right now...im doing enough to get through the days ... working..managing just enough..to pass for normal..but im not fully engaging in anything right now..im pulling away from people and things and its just i dont know how to manage right now..but the problem is i dont know what is truly driving the thoughts and feelings..i dont know how to deal with what i cant identify..

shame

today..tonight. i do wish i could just float away from myself..from my life..from my thoughts. i want to escape from the shame, the hurt, the guilt, the pain..i am ashamed of things in my past. im ashamed of how i hurt someone else..how could i do it? how could i let it happen and not stop it. how could i be so awful and let things happen.  it was twice. the first time we were not caught. but the second time we were caught. and to say i was in trouble was putting it lightly.  i should have known better.  i did know better. but being afraid and unable to say stop made it worse. and i let it happen. but all anyone else saw was that i was older..i was the ring leader. i must have started it.  i must have wanted it. she told mommy and mommy laid into me.for days..weeks..i was afraid to be anywhere alone with her. i was afraid of what she would say.. of what she would accuse me of..she told me i was awful, and other things i guess..but i dont remember.  i remember being afraid..i remember feeling cornered..i remember not even trying to defend myself because what she said was true.  i was awful..i deserved it. and then i just dont remember..after a while mommy stopped saying things..and stopped threatening me..and i slowly stopped going over to that family members house. i wasnt welcome..i no longer existed .. i was bad. i was awful. i hurt someone else. even now years later i know i am not welcome by her..i dont talk to her. im not comfortable with her or around her.  and during some family stuff she is there. and i feel like i should just go away. how do you make something like this right again?  how do you make it better?  am i supposed to ask for forgiveness?  am i supposed to say what happened.  now i guess it doesnt matter. its not like it is talked about..and maybe 3 people know about it. me, him. his mom, a cousin, and mommy.  that i know of. maybe more people know. maybe thats why i feel like i am watched sometimes..i dont know.  it was swept under the carpet pretty quickly. it happened..there was trouble..at home and things..but no one dared breathe a word of it to anyone else..what would people think?! but its okay i guess because mommy told me what she thought about it and me daily. i didnt need to know what anyone else thought. what i heard from her was more than enough.  the shame is massive. the guilt.  i found out today..well tonight .. that he is getting married..and i want to be happy for him..but i cant..because i always think and wonder about what happened between us..about what he remembers..what is said..i know i did a horrible thing..i let a really bad thing happen..but all i can think about is how i most likely wont be invited to the wedding.. i wouldnt go if i was..but my sister was telling me about it and that she is expecting her invitation..and im like oh..thats great..have fun. but i wont be there..i have no right. what would i do exactly..wish the happy couple well..apologize for past actions..pretend that nothing happened?? i cant do it..i cant face him or his mother..not on steady ground..

im done

30 Day Challenge - Day 1

Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts

So an introduction of me. Goodness I really truly do not know what to say about myself. Im 28, living with my two cats (children :) ). I work as a counselor/mental health support person. My current residence is the longest I have been in one place since college, and if i stop to think about it, the being in one place for so long makes me feel very very nervous. For now though I suppose I am alright with where I am at.  I like reading, writing, the color purple (literally), watching movies. Im pretty generic arent i?!?! Truly though I do like the simple things in life, and that being said i am very materialistic. I buying stuff, I like new stuff, i always want something more, something better, something well new. I love messing with electronics, and well animals. My goal is to visit and possibly live in Alaska! That would be so cool.  I think im rambling a lot right now. So I will move on. 

well this is me. again nothing thrilling about me at all. but on to my 15 facts.  i really cant remember the last time i actually wrote 15 things about myself.  i will try to keep the negative stuff to a minimum. 


1. I have a hard time with soclal anxiety.  like deathly afraid of group settings, being around people i dont know, the whole talking thing is not my strong point


2. I like to cook and try new recipes

3. Im a fast reader and can go through a decent sized book in about 6 hours or so if i read without stopping 


4. I like organizing things and making lists but rarely use them


5. I love animals and wanted to be a vet at one point.  maybe i still sorta want to be a vet :) 


6. i prefer going to be beach at night to just watch and listen to the waves 


7. i believe in the existence of mythical creatures ! 


8. I prefer faith to organized religion 


9. I like doing creative things like writing, journaling, doodling, painting, making collages etc 


10. I talk to myself out loud .. A LOT 


11. I can recite Finding Nemo word for word :) 


12. I was a twin and it is very interesting the number of times i am referred to by my sisters name although very few know about my twin and even fewer know her name


13. I love snow, hence wanting to be in alaska 


14. I watch cartoons daily 


15. I am not good with being on time..im forever running behind! 


16.  I dislike driving 


17. I dont like having to sit still and fidget and complain horribly when i have to :P 


18. i like having a lot of pens, pencils, markers, etc. i have them all over the place and forever buy new ones..but of course when i actually need them i NEVER have a pen handy 


Okay so maybe i do have interesting facts about myself...who knew 

todays collage

procrastinate now..dont put it off!!

haha sometimes i actually sorta amuse myself.   yep this is what my life has become.

ok maybe ill stop being so depressing now..blah..you know today counted as a weekend day for me..maybe that is why my mood is still so down in the dumps..i hate weekends.

but anyhoo i havent decided yet if im going to go to sleep and wake up early to finish my work stuff..or just stay up and work on work stuff..or start now, then sleep for a bit, and then get up and finish my work stuff..this is one of those no brainers really..but i seem to be making it really hard.. and i do it every week so yeah .. once again making things harder than they need to be...i dont know maybe ill just stay up..but of course i write that and automatically start yawning..

you know im highly annoyed that i got my nails done yesterday..because now they are all filed down and smooth and it is most difficult to pick with my mails all nice..ugh..i need my sharper longer nails..i cant do anything with these..and i know i shouldnt pick..but yeah..its hard not to pick sometimes..

hmm i really not sure what i had planned to write when i started this..i mean i am feeling better than i was earlier today..but now im like starving and i keep wanting to eat and snack and of course all i have is like fruit and boring stuff..maybe ill make popcorn..

yeah in a major rambling mood it seems..i should do my work and stop messing around.. but umm maybe ill do the dishes instead..or play words with friends..yeah the important things first

just wondering today..well wondering now

i read a blog a little while ago about a little boy who had Junctional Epidermolysis Bullosa. I look thorugh the blog and looked at the pictures and read his story. my heart hurt for him and his family. the little boy Tripp died recently and that makes me feel very sad.  it makes me wonder why people have to go through things like this.  why his family and his mom and him had to have so much pain and struggles. looking at the pictures you could see the happiness in Tripp, you could see that he was loved and cared for. and it makes me think about life in general and how it is still possible to have happiness and love and caring in the midst of really hard situations.

i dont know. maybe my mood is just in a really negative place today..its just i dont know..so much pain and suffering in the world you know..its just not fair..and i know life is what you make it but why does life have to be so darn hard and sad and hurtful..

prolly not my best idea to be watching endless episodes of intervention..its a hard show to watch..because i watch and i just wonder what it is that has stopped me from doing down the road of drugs and alcohol..to escape you know..what stopped me?  what still stops me? but i watch this show and its like holy cow i would never do what i see on tv..what i know ppl truly do end up doing..it scares me..but i also know that it is so easy to just want an escape from things..which is what the cutting and burning and food issues..and med issues are about i guess..an escape away from myself..away from my head..i guess this is one of those times when i am wanting an escape but i dont have one and that is making me feel sad..feel a bit off.. the sadness is big again today..and i am just feeling a bit to much i think..i want to go to sleep..i think thats what ive been trying to do all day..just go back to sleep..but i cant seem to..im feeling nervous about something..sad..hiding..isolating..i am hiding today..afraid to go out..afraid to stay in..im feeling lost maybe..oh maybe i just dont know what im feeling..my head and my mind are not on friendly terms today...and to which food and eating is the thing that is being refused..well its a back and forth kinda thing with the food. i want to eat. i dont want to eat. i ate to much and now i cant eat..on and on and on..i just want to talk to linda or my supervisor but neither are available to me today and i wont call either..i dont know why..i get afraid..that i should be getting better now worse you know..i should be able to deal with myself better and i still struggle more often than not to just deal with the day to day stuff...i took my meds this morning and still the depression is fairly bad..i dont know what else it is that i am supposed to be doing. i dont know any other way to get better.. what is it that i am missing?? why is it that i cant be happy or satisfied or even just okay with myself or life or anything..im so depressing and im trying not to sick into the really bad and negative thinking..i want to say that im just nothing..worthless..stupid..a waste of space..etc..you know just a steady stream of horrible thinking and then the need to hurt.the need to punish myself gets harder to ignore...i am feeling pretty bad right now...thats all ..

picture time :) the cats

they do secretly like each other :) :)

fears...rational and irrational

i hate being afraid. im afraid of a lot of stuff..some things that im afraid of makes no sense to me. and it is hard a lot of the time to get past the fear and do things..i get so afraid and then i convince myself not to do things or go places..the fear becomes so controlling and overwhelming and i get so very stuck and just unable to do anything at all..

this weekend i struggled a lot with being afraid of leaving the house..and i hate when i get like that..because well one im feeling sad or something and i need to leave the house..but the more i feel like i need to leave the worse the fear gets and i cant leave..what am i afraid of exactly?? why is it so hard to leave the house?? why do i get so deathly afraid of being away from my house at times? i dont understand why it happens..and i dont know how to make it better. i mean its not an every day thing ..but it happens enough to be sort of an issue i guess..i can keep myself safe i guess if i say at home and dont go out..but if i dont go out then how will i be able to do anything??  i wanted to get my nails done this weekend..you know just go out and do something..and it took me a day and a half to convince myself that it was okay to go and that it would be fine and that i would be fine doing this..and that i would be ok doing it alone and being in a new environment..on and on it went..back and forth..i wanted to go and then i didnt.and then i was afraid and didnt want to leave the house..over and over and over..finally yesterday afternoon i managed to make it out of the house and go..but even while at the nail place i couldnt fully relax..i was scared and nervous..i had to constantly remind myself that i was fine and that i wasnt going to be hurt..i kept having to tell myself to relax my shoulders and sit back..because in my nervousness and fear i was leaning forward in the chair and had my shoulders were like holding massive amounts of tension..the only good thing was that the lady doing my nails didnt talk much at all.and so i didnt have to make conversation and could sit quietly..heck i needed to sit quietly because i was going insane in my head..ugh..but its just really hard some days..to feel normal..to interact with others in a normal way. i dont understand why it becomes so hard..i dont understand why i end up feeling so afraid of the everything ..i hate how much my childhood still affects me :(  its not fair

hmmm

my head is in a very weird place today...ive been feeling pretty down today and hiding in the house..the one time i went out was just to pick up take out and that was even a bit much..because well i was just out of my comfort zone a bit..so yeah..but i dont know..im just feeling disappointed in stuff and i dont know why or what..right now im annoyed that ive been eating most of the day..and i know that its because i eat just barely enough to keep going during the week and then on the weekend its like im making up the missed calories or something..and i just want to eat..and then ill go back to my usual restrictions on monday..or tomorrow..but its a pain becuase my need to eat means snacking and you know not the really healthy stuff..but i deprive myself so much during the week..and i know i  do it and cant seem to stop the behaviors.because of course its like..well losing weight is great and wonderful and no one really cares about the 'how' just the end result..and its like well as long as im not doing any outward harm or something then its ok..and ill manage and ill be careful..and its like im trying to prove that i am still eating and all of that..when i know im just barely walking that fine line between starving and not starving..and i know better..im working hard not to go back to purging i am..but right now the not eating is like the best thing ever..its like im on this goal to force myself to realize that i dont need to eat all the time and that it just makes me feel sick and gross and tired and all of that..and i know its my head playing games and tricks and trying to get me to believe things that arent true..-sigh- i dont know..i want to ssay that it will be fine..and ill be okay..but sometimes i wonder you know..i wonder if anyone will even notice that im not okay or that im doing something thats not ok..but then who would know?  who would suspect?? who would care? so i just smile and nod and tell my half truths and keep my secrets...because thats all i can do..

something i have been thinking about though this week.is my relationship with my supervisor..because again somehow i ended up talking to my therapist about her and what i wanted from her and just the unfairness of not being able to live with my supervisor when thats all i want..and of course my therapist is like pointing out the flaws in my thinking and actions and im pretty much being a spoiled child at this point.and yes i did tell my therapist i didnt like her for not agreeing with my scheming  (sometimes im just more embarrassing than i care to admit ugh)..but my therapist is telling me that my little kid behaviors may in fact drive my supervisor away and that im not respecting her boundaries..all things that i dont want to hear or acknowledge..and yes i have calmed down a lot with dealing with my supervisor on a personal basis.and not like bothering her all day every day..and i dont ask for hugs anymore although it kills me not to..like i want hugs from her so very bad..but i wont ask her..no matter how sad it makes me..but the living with her thing keeps slipping out..and my supervisor knows  i want to live with her..and she tells me no every time i ask..and some how im still convinced that i can just make her want me ..and make her want to keep me..its so depressing knowing that i just want to be wanted and cared for so very badly..but i mean i dont want to drive her away..that would be like the opposite of what i want..but i have such a hard time controlling myself around her..and i just want to talk to her and be near her and with her..and i wish work didnt get in the way..and i wish she didnt have such good boundaries and that i cant get through them..i guess this all makes me fairly pathetic in a lot of ways..but i mean yes this recent work stuff going on is making me realize that i do have incredibly poor boundaries..how to fix this i dont know..but with my supervisor its like i have no boundaries at all..but she has boundaries and its her boundaries that sorta keep me in check at times..and i think sometimes my supervisors lowers her boundaries a little bit in dealing with me..but only sometimes..but this week i was thinking about how badly i want my supervisors approval..and how badly i would do anything to make her proud of me or to earn her praise..and you know all the not so great stuff that happened with one client had me really doubting everything..and questioning what my supervisor was thinking of me and what was going to happen and all of that..i was scared she would be mad at me..disappointed in me..just a lot of negative thinking about the whole situation..but her possible displeasure was a big big big issue..i guess on one hand the work stuff is calming down..and im not as worried..but at the same time im going the extra mile to make sure that i am being super nice and helpful and all of that with work stuff..i dont want any more negative reports..and i want her to be happy with me and proud of me..if i cant have her..then i guess her approval will have to do..eventhough i just really want her..and just writing this is causing me to feel very sad and alone..and i have to restrain myself from attempting to call my supervisor..i dont call her out side of work just to talk or anything..no that wouldnt be ok..and most of the calls during work days and what not are about work..but the times when we talk about non work stuff and i have most of her attention and all of that is what i strive for..i seriously do want ALL of her attention..all day everyday..its just not fair..that my mom couldnt have been her..that i didnt have a great and caring parent who loved and needed and wanted me..its completely depressing and unfair and i hate it.because all its done is leave me feeling like something is wrong with me..that somehow i am flawed in some major way and no one will ever love me or care about me..and then i met my supervisor..who i was deathly afraid of for a long while...and she has become someone who cares for me..but in my mind its not enough.its all or nothing..and since i cant have ALL im not satisfied with what i do get from her..its not enough..i want more..i need more..and she cant give it to me..no matter how much i want her to she just cant..not when she is my boss pretty much..and so i keep pushing at her..keep trying to get more without outright asking for more..and im not all that sneaky about it..but i do try..and its such a huge deal you know..im guessing this is one of my underlying issues..but how do i even begin to talk about all of this?  how do i make sense of just how badly it is that i want a mother and cant have one because im an adult now?  its not proper for me to act like a child but i do..i dont want to be an adult..i dont want to have the responsibilities that go along with being an adult..i want someone to take care of me..i want someone to love me and need me and want me around..as i am..i want a hug..but i cant deal with wanting that...i cant deal with how much it is that i want comfort or physical touch or any of that..my isolation is so big and overwhelming..that my needs become upsetting to me..they become overwhelming..and i dont know how to deal with them.. why couldnt things have been different growing up?  why couldnt i have turned out differently?  why do i have to ruin things and be such a horrible needy leech ?

where things are at..

well this has been an interesting week to say the least..i dont know really what it is that i want to write about really but i know stuff is on my mind..i just gotta figure out what it is that is in my head and what it is that i am thinking about and worrying about right now.. i dont know..

sleeping has been weird this week..im tired all the time ..and i actually came home to take a nap one day because i was so tired..i guess part of it has to do with the exffexor and everything..and it getting back in my system..but yeah for some reason im just really tired ..

i think im feeling sad today..but im not sure..maybe im just feeling lonely a bit.  and im feeling disappointed that i cant afford to go to fla next week.  i really wanted to go to the confrence thing..but i cant afford it and im trying to be okay with that..and know that i can maybe go next year instead..and that its a good thing to catch up on bills you know and possibly even not over draw my bank account at the end of the month..i know its the adult thing to do..to pay my bills and not be late..and i know that ..i should be thrilled to make a good decision..but darn it to heck i wanted to go to fla..i really truly wanted to go..but darn money just didnt work out..and so i guess ill just have to suck it up and deal with it...but it is just disappointing..im disappointed..but ill get over it.

i dont know ..something is bothering me .i just dont know what it is right now..i cant seem to identify it..

rambles

i am not completely sure what has happened today...i ended up having to come home and take a nap i was so tired and sleepy..i hardly ever nap during the day..and good grief it is wed!! and i came home and slept before my afternoon/evening person..goodness..i mean i tried hard to remember if i had taken the wrong meds or something and i dont think i did..but i dont know..its one of those things im not sure on..but it was weird..maybe its just the other med getting back into my system..or something..but yeah cant have that happen tomorrow..major busy day...

but im just trying to work as much as i can and focus on what is happening during that day and not stressing about you know everything else.. my head is calming down some though..and the major anxiety issues are decreasing big time..so that is good.

hmm not much to talk about though..rainy day today..and rain seems to make drivers really stupid..it took forever getting home and i was so frustrated with all the stop and go and not being able to see and blah..yeah it was just bothersome..

complaining kinda night

ok i dont know what is wrong with me..i dont .. but im starving tonight..i want to eat everything and nothing is really satisfying and ugh..im just frustrated at myself..because im just so hungry and nothing im eating seems to leave me feeling any sort of satisfied... yeah its just frustrating..and because of the weekend and having more snacks in the house..i have been snacking more the past few days..and yeah..its messing with my whole healthy eating thing..and im actually sick of snacking and i want fruit and my usual stuff back you know..but well i have to wait until i get paid to go shopping for groceries because i am broke right now..so yeah

but yeah my mood has been getting better the past couple days...ive noticed im feeling less depressed..and less mad at the world you know..im tired and a bit down tonight but im hoping to go to sleep soon..i finally took my meds because im tired but not sleepy and i kinda want to sleep..and i dont want to be bothered so yeah..sleep is prolly my best option right now..

so much i dont know

im thinking about old things today and it is making me feel sad..making me wondering about things and why things had to happen and all of that.

im wondering why it is that i havent learned some of the social stuff that i should have learned..i feel stupid for not knowing things..and i feel like not knowing is just going to lead me into trouble..i feel like i have missed out on so many things and now trying to learn it all is overwhelming me..hence my nervousness about today and having a guy at my apartment..i know im supposed to be meeting new people and getting out more and stuff.but im scared you know..this is me being way out of my comfort zone ... big time out of it..and im not sure what to make of it..i dont know what to expect or what will happen you know..its just spending time with someone..and i keep telling myself that i am an adult and that i will not allow anything to happen that makes me uncomfortable..and that i can handle myself..but still i am very afraid..i cant help but wonder what he wants from me..why he wants to spend time with me..i dont know what i want from him and fear makes me feel to stupid to even try to figure it out...its just different..very very different..im an adult you know..or so im told..and i just feel like i should know some of this stuff..about like dating and being around other people..being around guys..but the thought of socializing makes me feel tired..i dont know what to do or say. and i feel uncomfortable even more because i dont know what to do or say..im just rambling today..

life...is...already throwing me a curve ball

 

well things have gotten off to a rocky start this year..and i was feeling incredibly hurt and scared by one of my clients actions and things she said about me..she was hurtful and mean i didnt like it at all..especially when it was my job on the line.  i was feeling very anxious and scared and panicked about it all. but i have since talked to my supervisor about it..and she told me some information, and pointed out some ways i can improve and things.  and so i am trying to take in her information and learn from this situation. and as much as i wanted to be pulled off the case, i wasnt.  im not comfortable with this particular client at all, and i dont want to work with her. but for now i have to it seems.  and so im just working on learning from what has happened..and becoming a stronger person and counselor because of it.  my supervisor did point out that these are the situations where growing takes place and that sometimes things need to happen so that i have the chance to learn and grow and improve..i would prefer a little less of the growing opportunities you know.. really i would..but i cant help but see that she is prolly right ..and that i have grown..my fear and anxiety forced me to think and rethink my own actions and my own thoughts and things relating to this client and all of my clients actually..and i have some growing to do..you know..no im not perfect..and im trying to do my best with working and assisting and supporting my clients.  and with the mentally ill it is not an easy task. but as long as i am doing my job and doing a good job then things will be okay. so challenges are good..im sure that the next challenge will have me pulling my hair out big time...but it is important for me to keep working and growing and learning..thats what is important..i have to stick to my job, and stick by the work ive done without giving up at the first problem i encounter.. ill have a breakdown within 6 months if i did that...so im just having to remind myself over and over and over that i am doing my job and that i will just need to make sure that i am sticking to the rules, enforcing appropriate boundaries and all of that  with my clients..

on the side of therapy and all of that...well i finally got my effexor back on friday...and so i know its going to take a little time for it to build back up..and i think its making me a little more tired today and everything..but its back and im hoping that my anxiety will start to lessen a bit..i truly have been overly anxious lately..the past like month and a half i have just struggled with my own stuff and have been  feeling really stressed out and taking on to much..just with the holidays and traveling and not having my medicine correct..and so just a lot of little things combining to make really big things..and my head just was not a good place to be...i wanted to start off this year in a more positive mood..but that didnt happen like i wanted to..so im just working on trying to do things that make me feel happier..and more positive..and that is super hard because a lot of the time im not even sure what makes me feel happy or anything at all..but i am trying...well im trying now that the bone numbing depression is lifting and backing off some..im still feeling pretty sad about christmas and how things played out at home. i am. and again i have to keep telling myself that my life is here and not at home anymore..that i am comfortable here..and so this is where i need to be at. and somehow i have to be ok with that...so therapy is going ok i guess...i still have to ask linda about working with me and everything..but i am calming down..i hope..

the cats are once again itchy mcscratchy..and i need to get them to the vet asap..so by the end of this upcoming week ill know when i can take them..since there is no payment plan at the vet..but yeah just keeping an eye on taji cas she scratches and is getting sores..

dont feel like talking about food..spurlged last night/this morning on pizza..and im not beating myself up about..cas i realize i was feeing incredibly deprived and what not..so pizza it was...but once again planning my meals and all of that..i do need to go to the store though since i have nothing i want to eat here...hence why pizza was so appealing yesterday..

so yeah..gonna fix dinner in a bit..

hmm anything else..well the guy i was talking to a few months ago called me out of the blue today..and we are going to hang out tomorrow..my negative and doubtful head is of course trying to figure out what it is that he see in me or why he called me..etc and so on..i wonder what he wants from me..and that makes me uncomfortable in the worst way..you know having someone in my apartment and all of that...i dont know anything about dating or flirting or any of that..so it baffles me you know..the whole experience..but his mom died last month and so i do want to be a supportive person for him if nothing else.

so yeah..i guess that is life for now..

weighty issues

you know..i am becoming obessed again with weight..weighing myself..eating, not eating.. im slowly and steadily losing weight...wont get into how its being done but it is being done..and the interesting thing is that one of the side effects of the medication that im taking is anorexia..how horrible is that?!?!  but once again ive spent the past hour or so just reading articles and looking at pictures about models, weight loss, etc..i see all these pictures of these thin and pretty women and i want what they have you know..and maybe that is just my head getting the best of me or something. i dont know. but it is so hard for me to see  and know that i am looked down at for being overweight you know...i dont know..i dont think im able to write what im thinking about right now...

food issues...at the start of the year...

ive been watching this show called starving secrets...its a lifetime show of course..but its about women with eating disorders and things..and it is an interesting show...i watch it and can relate to it a bit more than i ever want to admit too...its scary you know..watching this and well my jealousy picks up when they go to treatment and they are able to have 24hr support and understanding and ugh..everything i want but cant seem to get..and i understand that i have to figure out how to support myself blah blah blah...but that doesnt stop me from thinking about how unfair it is that i dont have that support.   but back to the show..yes ill admit i have had some issues with food...a lot of issues embarrassingly and i know that mommy has a lot to do with it..always telling me not to eat or to give up stuff..or to try some diet..to lose weight..on and on and on since i was much younger..im always compared to other ppl you know..always getting the impression that i need to be better..be more..be thinner..not be fat..and it is a hassle you know..but i have done it all..starved..binged..purged..pills..laxatives..on and on and on .sometimes i wonder if i am just on a one way or another just going to completely destroy my body... i have destroyed my body..but i am just going to be working on how far it will go..you know my new goal to be healthier is just causing me to walk a fine line between dangerous and not dangerous things...you know i tried to eat yesterday and i couldnt really manage it...i want to eat today but i am not hungry..i had planned to fix dinner yesterday you know..pasta, with salad and maybe some garlic bread..i wanted it big time..but when it came time to cook i just couldnt do it..i didnt want it..my new mediicine controls my desire to eat very well..my new medicine me feel like i can control my eating..and what i eat and how i eat...this morning i was at my 5% goal from like months ago...for the first time in a long time you know i am at a weight that is lower than anything..i have had a lot of ups and downs since joining weight watchers in umm aug..i think it was aug that i joined..and it took me 5 months to lose like 20 pds..i know i would go through times where i didnt care and i would go back and forth between eating healthy and eating junk..and so i would lose a little and gain a little and so on and so forth..but now its seems i am on a steady slow move downward...i feel like i would lose so much faster if i would exercise you know..and eat more vegtables and stuff...i seem to be addicted to bananas right now..and sandwiches..maybe ill make a sandwich after i take a shower finally..yeah...the past few days ive not done much at all the past few days..blah..im not sure i got to the point of why i wanted to write this..maybe ill just think about it more and try again later on