im back!!

i have internet again..i can get back to writing again...majorly cool.  yep majorly cool.

july 27 1986

i dont understand..i dont understand why some die and some are forced to live.  i dont understand how people are chosen to have to go away for forever..i dont understand why it is that i have wanted death..waited for death..prayted to die and still i am alive..what am i doing that is wrong?  why cant i get to go away and not have to deal with any of this anymore...

today..today is july 27 2011...it was july 27 1986 that my sister died..her name was nicole..sometimes when my name is forgotten by people they call me her name.  i wonder how people know it.  people who do not know anythin gabout my history call me by my sisters name.  i dont remember her at all, i know a few stories..and used to have a picture of her..but mommy foound out i had taken them and made me give them back...i got in trouble alot for stealing stuff i guess. mommy told me once that i would never be able to have anything dealing with my sister until she died..how am i supposed to remember her?  i dont know what she looked like..i dont know what she sounded like..i dont know even where she is buried..i have never been to her grave..she has been forgotten..she is not talked about at all, and the fear of talkin about her keeps me silent..and wondering. it is hard sometimes knowing that i have other biological parents. i wonder sometimes if they know that she died..if they knew anything about her while she lived..i couldn't protect her, i couldnt save her..and the guilt associated with that makes me want to die too.  i should have done more..i should have done something..but she is gone now..and i blame myself for that..

i couldnt sleep last night...i woke up often and just had to think about everything..there is a lot going on..and fear is beginning to control me..im afraid of everything right now..and i know the fears are irrational..i know i am making myself feel so crazy for nothing..but i am scared..im tired..bad dreams plague me.  i take my medicine like im supposed to..i live and work and breathe like im supposed to.  but still i wonder if i am dying..if i am dead already. im still waiting for it..and i cant explain to anyone why i am. im waiting to die, im waiting for it all to end..i have relief from the pain. but i cant explain where the pain comes from..i cant put it into words so that someone else can understand how much everything hurts right now. im tired truly tired.

im forced to live a life that i am not truly a part of.  im forced to play this never ending game of whether or not i will continue to live or just give up and die. i do give up though, more often than i talk about i give up..because i want to die. i confuse myself sometimes and then i am afraid of myself.but not for myself..im afraid ill be in trouble. im afraid it wont work. im afraid i will never have the courage to actually go through with it..

i was thinking about heaven and hell last night.  im not the most religious person but i like to think that my sister is in heaven.  that she did not live life long enough to be corrupted..to be hurt..she made it to heaven..but me..ill never have the chance to see her again. ive convinced myself that im going to hell for my actions..my thoughts..my life..i wont be allowed to go to heaven .. i will never see her even after i die.. i guess that is really depressing to think about .. its really depressing to believe that..to know that this is all decided already and cant be changed..its like well if ive already got a one way ticket to hell then i may as well keep screwing things up for myself..

my thoughts are not in a very good place right now.
thats all.

....

today became really depressing ..really really fast ... way to much in my head right now

not doing so great...

trigger city this week and next...to much going on in my head and in my life and with work and my car is breaking and im just worn out and tired and flat out stressed...its not fair and i just want to sit down somewhere and cry because i cant deal..fighting the urge to cut..fighting the urge to binge...but i want razors and i want to eat and not have think and just ugh..i dont know...but yeah ... just struggling

worn out

there has been so muhc going on this week.  im tired and achy and getting very very cranky and tired...im waiting around for my check right now and well i just want to go home and lay donw..this week has been a real real mess..im tired and worn out from dealing with things..i really am..and im feeling more depressed and quiet this week..maybe its just a build up of everything thats going on and what im having todeal with...its getting to me and without a pdoc i dont know how to get any real release from it..i feel like im being pulled in a lot of different directions right now with all of my clients and with my own stuff and im getting to the point of not wanting to deal with anyone or anything..and i still have to work tomorrow..given it will be an easy day tomorrow but still i have to work..im expected to go and show up and manage...i have to listen and advice and work out others concerns and issues and push mine into the back ground...

this week ive had some big car issues..and then some emergencies with my clients which involved spending over 8 hours in the hospital emergency room yesterday..and then i had to go to court today with a client and that was beyond stressful and scary for me..i dont like court..i dont like the possibiltiy of having to testify ..i panic and forget and just turn even more silent than i already am...the case was continued and so now i guess i have time to prepare to testify next time..but just the thought of thinking about it makes me feel so so scared and out of sorts...

i really just want to go home...and im super dehydrated..and last night i was getting really really bad leg cramps..and ended up pacing around the living room for a little while early this morning trying to get myself to relax and i drank some water ..and just in general had a hard time last night...and then forcing myself to get up this morning was its own hassle...

i dont think im in a very good space right now...head is a bit all over the place...and just feeling out of it a bit...

its officially official

i hate sunday evening and monday mornings! they are the bane of my existence big time! ugh...notes kill me !!!

lately....

last week was majorly stressful work wise...i took off monday..but i felt pulled in a million different directions for the rest of the week...all i could do was come home and crash in the evenings....i overslept twice last week...and it was pretty suckish..cas i hate oversleeping and i hate feeling rushed..but yeah it was pretty bad on that level...saw linda last week...dont remember if i wrote about that...but we talked about my not giving up and my need to find a new psychiatrist :(  hate that...really really hate that..so yeah.gotta figure out all of that..and everything i guess..did talk to linda once i got past the huge major overwhelming feelings of being just out of it and unsure of what to say..yuck yuck double yuck...

ive been having some major brain laspes at work..as in i talked to one client about my enjoyment of dinosaur chicken nuggets..i was really immature one night with one of my other clients siblings and coughed in his cereal cas he was being a jerk..and then we had a disagreement about how to make grilled cheese sandwiches..and yeah..had one clients relative tell me i had a baby voice... can we say awkward ???!!! my head just hasnt been together this week at all..and my normal levels of control and maintaining myself and my thoughts and my uh 'quirks' seriously got called into question this week..and again it was all after the fact you know i would clue in to what i was doing..but darn it..its been a messy messy week..

realized a bit late of course that its july and that means my normal craziness goes up a few notches until the middle of aug i guess...sister issues extreme ...happens each year..the guilt..the hopelessness..did i mention the guilt? i wish it was easier ..but i dont know how to accept it or make it easier or deal with her death..i dont know..its all just majorly hard..and tiring and frustrating...and sad...majorly majorly sad...

just some quotes i dont want to lose

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. - Anonymous

Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune. - by William James

If you travel in a path that makes you happy and you are misunderstood by many. ...I hope you consider the opinion that carries the most weight -- yours. ~ by Dodinsky

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children…to leave the world a better place…to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

hmmm

last night was pretty darn bad..urge wise..i wanted to cut..to hurt..crap i just wanted to not exisit last night...made it through the urges..somehow..it sucked and was hard..and made a hugely triggering collage...but yeah..made it through i guess.. finally got to see linda today..and i was so overwhelmed i didnt know where to begin with it all...talked about the pdoc stuff..talked about the depression...just talked about a lot of stuff..i had to stop her from talking about sex and stuff cas that was just hugely embarrasing..but we talked abut other stuff going on and everything..she told me not to give up...i told her i wanted to give up..she got me to agree to start looking into finding a pdoc..and that i had to help myself for her to help me.. :( depressing i know..but with her i could feel and show my depression..and not worry..i didnt have to pretend to be alright.cas i was gosh darn depressed...but well i guess im feeling a bit more settled in some ways..still alot on my mind..and lots to process and struggle through..but one day at a time right ?!?!