what i wrote on sunday (i think)

Hmm I guess ive wasted enough time haven’t i…and now its time to write..because my head is getting rather full of so many different thoughts and ideas and feelings and worry and stress..and just all of it..i guess you could say that in some ways this weekend has been full of self care..on some broad level lol..i mean ive been taking it extremely easy..allowing my body to adjust to the meds and getting them back in my system..ive been sleeping a lot…reading..playing games…watching movies….yes im bored out of my mind..but im just trying so hard to take it a day at a time…but then with all of my self imposed down time ive had lots of time to think about things…trying to figure out things…I don’t know..im worried about money of course..and yeah that’s part of why im suddenly all gung ho about self care and staying put and relaxing..but really im broke..and if that’s what it takes to get me to chill out then so be it…but I mean I have been feeling stressed and overly tired..i really have..and I know that with my job and everything I have to be careful about feeling burnt out and overworked..but on a whole im not over worked I don’t think..its just a lot of seeing other ppl..and a lot of dealing with other ppl and there problems and its just hard sometimes you know …so im not sorry at all for taking a few days off of work and just not doing anything…I was going to go insane and with my meds all messed up..i was not in my right frame of mind at all..and I knew that..and well yeah I needed to do something…

Right now my biggest worry is of course bills and money ..and once again im looking at paying the bills I need to pay and paying my rent late..again..ugh…or paying my rent and mommy and not paying anything else..and the more I try to figure it out and work it out the more I realize that im going to end up paying my rent late…I owe to much for a couple bills to get out of not paying them at the beginning of the month…and I owe a couple ppl that I need to pay…and well I don’t like my bill ppls calling my job..and so I was real quick to set something up with them..i really was..and so its like I promise and promise and promise to pay all this stuff and theres just no money you know…and for as comforting as it is to know that im getting paid every two weeks..at the same time I hate it..because its just more money to go towards bills and im trying so hard to get as many hours as I can you know..because I know I have a lot of bills still to catch up on..and I just feel like im so behind..that I just stay behind..and so im working on creating a budget for myself..and sticking to it..no kidding or messing around this time…I realized that once again this almost 2 weeks of absolutely no money could have been avoided if I had planned it better.if I had realized that I needed a freaking plan…and of course im completely out of money..i have nothing in savings and my checking is negative and so im like..just worried you know..and I still have 2 and a half days before I get paid to get through..and im trying to plan out and stretch what I have at home with like food and stuff but even that is like running ridicously low..and im frustrated majorly at myself for screwing up so badly this month…I really am..and so no im determinded to fix it…it figure out where my money is going..to use my money for what I need and not on getting fast food..because if I want to be real honest ..i know that my impulse spending ..on like fast food, and books and what not..is over the top..it really is..and that I need to get that under control..i know that I need to start focusing on saving and bills and all of that ..or else I wont have a place to live or be able to pay bills..and yeah last month I got real close to having my electricity turned off ..cas of my bill being so freaking expensive..my bill for june is expensive too but I know its got to be paid and I know I need to stop asking for extensions and stop messing around you know…and in all of my messy money situation..i refused to ask mommy for money…I did..and I just know she doesn’t have it..and that henry needs help more than I do..and that yeah mommy would have figured out a way to give me some money..but would I have learned my lesson?  Would I have not done the same thing 3 months down the line and will still be looking to be bailed out…and I think that is where a boundary needs to be put into place with mommy and me….i cant keep going to her for handouts..i cant keep asking her to fix my mistakes ..and I have made some big ones..and im currently sitting on a major mistake that I keep putting off..and will lead to all sorts of trouble if I don’t get it taken care of next month…stuff like that you know..cas I know she will complain and yell at me and put me down for being stupid and knowing better and everything..but she would get the money to me..and I need to stop depending on her..so I have suffered and tried my hardest to get by the past couple weeks without asking her for anything … I asked my sister and brother and they couldn’t help me ..so ive managed…some how..and I just keep reminding myself that I get paid next week..that some of the stress will be off next week..and that things will be a bit more manageable at least.. –sigh- so that is where im at with all of that…

I think im feeling more positive the past couple days..things may suck horribly..but with sleep and relaxation..i just keep thinking ‘it is what it is” .. I cant make money fall into my lap..and I have to pay what I can when I get paid and that’s all I can do you know..i cant do any more than that…

Ive been thinking a lot about my supervisor who is leaving and I kinda feel like it is my fault..like because ive talked to linda about how I feel about her and all of that..and some how she is leaving because of that…my ususal in my head thinking about her has changed big time..and I feel super hurt and sad over it..i don’t want her to leave but I don’t know how to ask her to stay…I cant ask her to stay..thats not professional at all..and because she has no idea how I feel about her..so the whole thing is prolly a lot messier for me L and im just having a hard  time dealing and accepting that shes leaving ..and that this will be her last week with the agency..and then of course im worried about the new person they will get…will they be nice..will they be easy to talk to..will I be comfortable with them…I was comfortable with her..i really was..i could talk to her most of the time..and she made me laugh and put up with my odd quirks I guess…and she told me that I could stay in touch..but will I see her anymore?  Will I still be able to talk to her?  I get overwhelmed thinking about all of the feelings and all of the fear around it..and I know she is leaving and I understand it doesn’t have a thing to do with me…I understand that..but my heart and my head just aren’t on the same wavelength..my heart hurts by her leaving..and I don’t think I can even tell her ever why that is..or why it is that I want to beg her to stay ..or beg her to take me with her..im not a child..and I should be able  to handle myself..and to handle my feelings and I cant..all I feel is sad and overwhelmed..

You know im taking my meds like im supposed to for the most part..im out of trazodone again..and out of my birth control..but ive been out of that for months..and im hoping that ill be able to get them both filled next month..so that ill be back on track with everything…ive been thinking a lot about food and what not lately..mostly cas of not having much..joy…but well ive had salad a few times..from places and they were pretty good..and I want them ..crap I think I had a dream about my salad from martins lol..it was pretty bad lol..but the salad I made was awesome..and just with not being able to get fast food lately..and not drinking soda so much and all of that..and its like wow I can do this…I really can..i have a plan for going to the grocery store and ill have a list..and well yeah…theres so much that I need to work on you know…food wise..nutrition wise..all of that…I mean I think ive lost the 6 pds I gained last month..and that’s all good and well but if I get paid and go out of control with my food again..then the same thing will happen..and that’s just not ok…I want to lose weight..not gain weight…but that’s one of my goals you know..to get a grip on my eating and not just go overboard to get back at mommy and her trying to tell me what to do…that’s not smart or good or sensible at all..

And you know what else…ive been thinking a bit about my plans for life and what they are…im thinking I want to go back to school..im thinking I want to move..im just thinking for now you know..wondering what it is that I want from life..and where my life is going to take me…if I can manage at the job I have now for another year that would be awesome..and then maybe ill look at moving again or changing jobs or something…for now im ok with my job and my pay you know…if I can just catch up and stay caught up then things wouldn’t be so bad..and so stressed…ive also been thinking about the lpc course and getting that license..which would be pretty cool..but I need to do way more research on that..and figure out how that will work out..and what ill be looking at with like school and courses and of course money..and I realize that ill be 28 this year…what do I have to show for it?  Im still struggling and fighting and trying to get a grip on myself and my life…I don’t have a house or kids or anything and I know that stuff isn’t important for like doing well in life..but I do want kids..and to get kids I need to get a better handle on myself..i need to get healthy and actually start taking care of myself and doing what I need to do..gosh ive been talking about babies so much lately..and being around my clients baby and working with the younger kids..and so much to do with kids and children and babies..and I feel so left out…like I missing out on something..but fear stops me too..knowing that im not safe to have a child…worrying that im not safe to have a child..who in their right minds would trust me with a child??  It would take one exam for everyone to see the scars and to know that im crazy..and not ok…and also the fact that pregnancy and anti depressants do not go hand in hand…so there is a lot that I need to get in order before that happens…and fear aside I do want a baby..i don’t want a husband..i don’t want to be married..i just want a baby..isnt it interesting that ive never been one to want the married life..or a husband..i was positive I was going to have kids…two kids and that was it..no dreams of the perfect marriage..of the perfect family with a husband, kids and a well my two spoiled cats…no it was just the kids I wanted..someone to love me unconditionally with no strings attached…I think I still want that..in some ways..but fear and not being completely sane on the time has stopped those dreams anyway…everyone tells me ill be great with kids..or why I don’t have any kids..and what am I supposed to say?  Oh well im still a bit crazy so no kids for me..or I was molested as a kid and am not comfortable with sex so im not going to have kids…or I guess the biggest and most embarrassing one of all..is that im just afraid that ill spazz out and hit my kids so much that they will hate me…that is the biggest stopper when it comes to thinking about wanting and having kids for me…I don’t trust myself..and I guess that’s the bottom line…it doesn’t matter what anyone else tells me ..or what anyone else believes…I just don’t trust myself to have and raise a baby because of my own past..and being afraid that it will just repeat itself…I wouldn’t do that to a kid…I really wouldn’t L

a little break

well im still alive..ive caught up on sleep, read alot, and did a lot of thinking on my break..im ready to get back to work sort of. i think its more that i havent been around anyone for days and well talking to myself has lost its appeal.

ive been taking mymeds and i can tell my moods improved a bit..my outlook is a bit more positive..so thats good.

today i sat down a wrote out this huge long thing for my therapist...talked about my secrets my fears, a lot of wht i have so much trouble speaking i just wrote down. and now i have it and am afraid of it . im not sure yet what im going to do with it.

eeks

i need a nap!! 

goodness im tired..

good news is that i have gotten my meds right ..and am back on the right dose now...but i think its making me feel more tired..and i know ill need to just get used to the meds again..yikes...but i think ill go home and lay down a bit before my evening kid...i have to go and see my other morning person now though..have just been chilling in mcdonalds wasting time..cas if i had gone home i would not have come back out to see him...so yeah him and then home and then my evening kid..and then off for a few days...a few different reasons for taking off..but yeah...just need a few days off ..

but yeah...going now..i am..

needed to clear my head

Well its 2am and im awake..stupid me and not managing my money is the cause of this..and im just gonna have to suck it up and deal with the lack of sleep until I can get my trazodone refilled next week..im plan is to get on top of my money..and figure oout where im spending ..cas yeah..i don’t know how I ended up with zero money…I really truly don’t..and im tired of over drawing my bank account..and I realize that I just need to get better at money and what im doing with it..and so im working on setting up a budget..i really am..and im working on getting my hours back up at work..and that will help I think…although I don’t know…more money may not be the best idea lol…but it does help that I know my paycheck is steady…it really does..even though it is super scary knowing that im completely tapped out right now..and have to wait until next week…I need to start putting money in savings and paying attention and actually working on getting better and taking care of myself and paying my bills and being an adult..-sigh- who knew being an adult would be so very hard..and that I wasn’t prepared at all…

I saw linda yesterday and we talked about a lot of things (how much I owe her is well some of what we talked about too.yikes) but I have to start paying her too..and paying off doc mead…and yeah..but linda..hmm well we talked about my feelings about my supervisor..and how they are normal..and im sitting there like..this is normal??!! Me thinking about my supervisor on a regular basis is normal?? In a not so professional way?!?! Holy crap…linda talked to me about how it is normal to have feelings for other ppl and be attracted to other ppl..and so on and do forth…but for me it is a major major truly big deal..because I realized yesterday that this is really the first time ive been attracted to someone..like truly attracted to someone that I see and talk to one a regular basis..this is not movie star attractions..this is not someone who is a million miles away from me..this is someone that I see and work with.and who I cant seem to control my thoughts around..and yes I understand that nothing will come of the relationship you know..its a working relationship..its got boundaries all over the place…and well shes got a boyfriend..haha..poor me..i sure know how to pick them! But I sat there and talked to linda about all of this and I tried to skirt around the reasons for why im afraid of relationships..and I don’t think I got to the bottom of it yet..but there are a couple major things to discuss with her..and gosh I was fighting myself yesterday..part of me wanted to admit what happened before…what causes the fear and uncertainty..the worries of being hurt..or being forced ..being vulnerable..all of these things run through my head and im just afraid..and maybe that is why although the feelings are overwhelming at times that they are directed at my supervisor…that it is okay for me to like her like that because I know nothing will happen ..and so I don’t have to be as afraid in some ways…yeah the feelings are embarrassing to me big time and hard to understand at times..but there is safety I think in knowing that truly there will be nothing happening.. and I write that and really do feel disappointed in some ways…like ill forever be stuck avoiding relationships because of being afraid .. linda asked me something about love and another person..and crap I don’t remember..but it was a question I truly didn’t have an answer for…I mean..i never really thought of myself as capable of loving someone else on a personal level..like sharing and touching and all of that..and well that part of it makes me freeze with fear…but I am able to become attracted to someone..and have feelings for someone..and its only taken me 28 years to have this happen…talk about late bloomer!  But its hard too because I really don’t understand all that is going on..it is new..and scary..and I just almost wish I could go back to not liking anyone because it was safer that way..because I felt safer that way…im afraid of relationships because I feel like im just not worth the trouble..mommy told me that im to selfish to get married…no one really touches on my lack of dating or relationships in my family..yet my brothers always have girlfriends..my sister is married…and me? Who do I have? Ive never had a boyfriend..and now im attracted to my female supervisor..and its like great..as if I wasn’t weird enough..i have to go and make things even harder for myself…I mean no ..same sex relationships ..you know..who cares..love who you love..and don’t worry about what other people have to say…but on a personal this is me level..i think im afraid that I wont be accepted you know..and yeah not that I have a lot of experience to go on..but I guess I just worry..and I know my sister and brothers prolly wouldn’t care at all..but mommy and other ppl in the family.. idont know..they say one thing and mean another sometimes..and this is just a battle that I am not ready for…how can I come out of the closet that I never knew I was even in ?  and I feel really stupid for not knowing some of this stuff..for managing to get so old and have zero experience in relationships..and love and trust and all of that..its all so new to me..and really unsettling and scary..i truly don’t know who I prefer..and again based on past stuff that has nothing to do with relationships..i was pretty positive I would never be attracted to anyone..because the fear of being forced overruled everything else..and there was no way I was setting myself up to be hurt…im tired of being hurt..i really am..

Well that was one thing we talked about..and I swear the world is out to get me ..because a few hours later ..im at work..and well talking to my supervisor..and what does she tell me ??? that next week will be her last week with the company?!?! And that she has accepted another job ..and that’s it…I swear I was sitting there and heard what she said..and my heart broke..and it was like really ?! why..i wanted to ask her so many questions..i wanted to cry..i wanted to just scream and throw things and tell her she couldn’t leave L  I don’t want her to leave..and crap im writing this and trying not to cry..i really don’t want her to leave..and I feel like its my fault for not being able to control my feelings about her…and yes I know that’s irratitional but its how I feel right now..ill see her maybe a couple times next week and then that’s it..and I asked her if we would be able to stay in contact..and after checking to make sure its ok she said that we could..and that made me feel happier..but at the same time how am I going to stay in contact with her?? Me?? Im a loser when it comes to staying in contact with ppl..and I don’t know how to deal with it all right now…im upset and sad and frustrated and very confused about it all..and its not fair..and I hate the world right now..and I hate that her leaving means that ill have to get used to a new person when they get hired..and then of course I worried immediately about the office closing and losing clients because of not having a supervisor..and im like ok wait..the company was here long before this supervisor..and will continue to be here after her..but it is just sad right now..im sad.. so she agreed to staying in contact and then in the same breath told me she wouldn’t be comfortable giving me therapy..and it took a few moments for that part to click in my head..but then I told her that it was ok cas I didn’t want therapy from her..and told her that I already had a therapist..yeah major weirdness having my supervisor as my therapist…scary! And major uncomfortable..she knows a little bit..yes..and im sure she has probably worked somethings out..who knows..no I don’t want to know!  But yeah..friend yes..therapist NO!

And I did manage to talk to linda a little bit about how it felt to turn down the case at work..and to realize that I really cant work with some populations…I realized that my own stuff wasn’t under enough control to go and work with someone else dealing with the same issues..and it really was hard for me to admit that I couldn’t take the case..and linda said I did good..and that made me feel a little bit better..but im still getting used to the idea that it is okay to not be able to do everything..to not be able to handle everything..and that its ok to say no to things..and right now my cases are majorly busy..like I have 6 cases..but really am only working 4 of them..but that keeps me super busy..

And as embarrassing as it is…and well its not like anyone will know..but im taking off Friday and Monday ..Technically it’s a holiday weekend..and so technically I can go off and spend the weekend at home or something…but really I wont be going anywhere..ill be at my apartment..and just trying to conserve gas until my next pay check..sad isn’t it? But I keep telling myself that I just need to make it to next wed and things will ease up a bit…and whatever it takes I will make it to next wed darn it…and I refuse to borrow money from mommy…like as long as im super careful today and tomorrow..and then don’t go anywhere or do a lot of driving..i should be able to keep gas to make it out next week to get my check..and I do feel so stupid for it coming to this..but it is what it is right..and im trying to take things a day at a time..i really am…so yeah..

Something I realized yesterday though..while I was with linda…was that I wanted to talk..really talk about some of the past things…that I haven’t told her..i wanted her to know..and I don’t know what I wanted from her..but just her knowing was enough..but fear and well not enough time stopped that from happening..and I left thinking that I needed to write it down and give it to her because im not sure about saying some of it ..or even most of it outloud..but I need to organize my thoughts about it..or it will just be a confusing mass of information and thoughts..and things half remembered and wont make any sense at all..and sometimes feeling misunderstood is a big trigger I guess..and leaves me feeling like I have to defend myself.. but I did ask her about the kids and sexual abuse thing..and linda agreed with me..and said that I had worked it out correctly ( again not remembering what exactly was said but I got the feeling she agreed with my thinking pattern on it)..she said that force is force and if the other person isn’t willing then its trauma..abuse…age isn’t the big factor..cas if the kid is old enough to know how to force or make the other person do what they want ..then they know right from wrong..and they know that they are hurting the other person..in my opinion anyway..but she eased my fears in some ways..and left me wanting to say so many things in others..there is still so much left to tell her..and I just don’t know how to get the words out..and that scares me too..but I think that I will tell her..but that ill be writing it down..not speaking it..yikes..major scary factor in that one..but I just feel tired of keeping secrets..tired of feeling so sad and depressed..and still fighting the urge to hurt myself..cut..binge..whatever..i just want it to stop..i want to feel better..i want to live and not hurt..i want to stop being afraid of everything..i want to be proud of my life and know that I had fun and lived..but right now..right now im not living..im existing ..im getting by..and that’s all..

Wow I think I had A LOT to get off of my chest..and I feel lighter a little bit..i guess its been a while since ive really written you know…maybe I can work on collages this week..cas  I think its important that I get my feelings out…especially since im cutting again..or have cut again..what 3 times in 5 months…not good… but ok im going back to lay down and try to sleep for a bit longer…and then get up and work on some paperwork that’s due tomorrow…fun…

feeling distracted...maybe writing will help

this has not been a good day..this has not been a good week..last week wasnt good..the weekend wasnt good..i want to cry because my arm is so stiff and sore and its my fault for cutting..im upset because i cant focus and i cant get my work done and i want to just sit some where and think and think and think and try to get my head together..and instead im trying to work and cant..i just want to go home..im tired and worn out and just struggling..meds are all screwed up and i feel sick..i lose focus every afternoon like clockwork..i get headaches and just need to lay down and try to focus on something..anything...things are just feeling all scrwed up and out of focus and hard..i cant seem to do anything lately and im feeling like a failure and just not sure how to fix myself..im frustrated..im tired...im sad..you know today for a while i wished i could feel angry..real honest to goodness angry..i want to be able to be mad and just be mad..not mad and guilty or mad and shamed..i want to feel mad but i dont know why...i have so much i want to talk to t about tomorrow and so much that  i am so scared to talk about...the whole think with my supervisor is one thing..but the thing that made me cut last night was my inability to process what i was thinking about ..and i got scared..and sad and just afraid of everything and afraid of what i was thinking about and feeling ..and just couldnt get the words to fcome..i tried distracting myself..i tried staying busy..i tried..i did..and nothing worked..and i was just feeling so badly and i just wanted something to happen..something to make it go away..i just wanted a little bit of relief..and i wanted the pain...underneath all of it i wanted the pain..i still want the pain..i still want to hurt...i want to do so many things to myself and none of them are good...im worried about getting through this week in one piece...i really truly am..and on wed i have to try for the assessment...and then ill have to try thursday..im going crazy right now..i feel crazy and out of control and so so tired..i want to give up..im not completely suicidal ..i just want to hurt..i dont want to feel anything else..im tired of feeling things...

supervisor told me that two kids cant abuse each other...i dont agree with her..and that is causing me a lot of unrest...because of what happened before...im afraid ..i was forced..i was held down..were we the same age?  was i younger ? older?  i dont remember...i dont want to remember..but i do remember...isnt that the suckish part..that no amount of pretending can save me...it never could i guess..but then i guess thats what cuttings for...i need a way to escape my mind..a way to get away from myself for just a little while..but that means telling linda when i see her tomorrow..and then who knows..maybe if i tell her im crazy she will just have me committed and i can stop fighting it...maybe thats what i need..im tired of fighting you know..i rreally..am..and i just feel so alone and trapped and stuck...very very stuck :(  i guess i better try to get some more work done..im running out of time..and then ill just be fired for being so suckish and stupid...yeah..irrational stuff is at an all time high right now...

falling

im falling. i feel out of control and sick.

being an adult...

and today...i keep thinking that i have to be an adult..i have to make sacrifices..i have to deal with the fact that i need money and i dont have enough to last through to my next pay check..and im about sick to death of over drawing my account..i am...and so what does that mean?  what is that going to look like for me?? it means that i have to step up and make some decisions that i dont really want to make at all..i have to figure out a way to get money without asking mommy..i dont want to ask her..and my sister cant loan me any..my brother said maybe..but i need more than a maybe..so that just leaves me with saleing a couple things that i have..and believe me its not much.but its something..and as much as i hate it..and loathe doing it..well i cant get around it right now..im tired of owing everyone money...i really truly am..im tired of owing the bank money..im just tired of freaking money period..and its not like i have cable or anything right this minute anyway..and yeah..just suckish decisions on top of more suckish decisions...yuck

i give up..i admit defeat..i dont know what else it is that ppl want from me...

is it ok to admit defeat?  to just say screw it all..and that ill do what i have to do inorder to get by?? i just want to say that im done..and im tired and upset..and i dont know..sometimes it really just doesnt feel like its worth it anymore..to try anymore..to do anything anymore..and its like some deep dark fear was confirmed today and its like..great..thats just want i needed..thanks alot u stupid doctor

today has sucked big time...royally big time sucked..and im tired...i saw a doctor this morning..and was told pretty much that i am fine physically..that all of my blood work came back normal...she told me that my problems arent physical..she said they are all mental..and that i neeed to see a psychatrist..that i need to get in as soon as possible..i have a pdoc but i cant afford to see her..and my meds are high yes..but the doc saying they were way to high made me feel crazy..being with the doc in general this morning just made me feel crazy..made me feel like i just cant be helped..and i just feel like im crazy and stupid..and it was upsetting to be with this particular doc..and i dont want to ever see her again..i really dont..she was unhelpful and really invalidating..and so what did i do ? i put on my biggest most fake smile and sat through my time with her..agreed to what she said..said i would go to the other place and get the intake junk started to get in to see a pdoc..and went on my way...the doc also pulled religion into it..told me i needed to go to church..told me that i needed god not meds..well that god would be more helpful than meds..something along the lines of god and meds and them not being used together..i dont know..i mean by now ive warped in my head anyway...to me i was told this morning that i am mental..that im crazy..that the help i need just cant be found..and its a sad sad thing to feel like that..to believe that is what she said..and what she meant..and i dont know..i know that part of me has taken it all and run with it..but part of me knows that what she said wasnt right or fair at all...i dont need my doctor telling me to go to church..i dont need my doctor implying that i am crazy..i dont ..i dont want to feel the need to explain myself with my doctor..and i felt really defensive..and that lead to me shutting up really fast..i cant deal with that ...i really cant..i dont like talking about religion and i dont really talk about it at all..its not easy for me to talk about or involve myself in..and im just not comfortable with it..and to  have my doctor tell me to call my pastor as i was leaving made me want to scream..i was madder when i left than when i arrived..and i really didnt get my real issue that i needed to talk about today done..and i dont know..the whole thing really bothers me..and its like ok fine..yes im crazy..i dont know what i was thinking you know..maybe i just need to say screw it to everything..stop the medication..stop with pdoc and with therapy..and just deal with it on my own..ill just decide to be happy since thats what it feels like the doc is pushing on me...the doc asked if i really had anything to be depressed about ?!?!?! wth ??!!  im sure the other doc i saw wrote loads and loads of notes from our talk about my depression and how i was feeling and all of it..i explained that there was abuse in my history..i told her that i was seeing a pdoc and was on meds and all of it..and the doc i saw today had the nerve to ask me if i had anything to be depressed about?!?!  is that how it is going to be?  am i making this up?  does it look like im making this up?? do i need to have open cuts so that my doctor will believe that i need help?  what do i need to do to be believed?  what do i need to show?  am i managing to well?  am i really going to go back to my old coping skill..im already called crazy so do i need to act the part??  im just going home...need to take meds anyway..

not doing so hot

went to pick up meds this morning and its the wrong dose..so i have to talk to the doc tomorrow and see about getting that fixed...at the dose they gave me ill be out of meds in like a couple weeks...its 6 pills to get up to the dose i usually take...fun!

major headache right now...lots of upset feelings and lots of stress and fear going on right now...

tired...have i mentioned tired..not sur what the day is going to bring..cas i may get some really bad news..and still will be screwed money wise...craptastic...stinks everyone is having to deal with craptastic stuff...didnt take part of my meds this morning and so am still feeling pretty bad..and very back and forth with my thinking and what not...like my irrational thinking is at an all time high right now..and im feeling very easily triggered...crap i am triggered and i just want to go home and cut and i cant really pinpoint who the urge is coming from..cant tell if its just me or not....
..and well my boss personally loaned me the money..and i have to give it back to her in a couple weeks when i get paid again..and of course im already worring big time about my check and how all of that is going to play out becasue well i just dont have all the money that i need right now..and well things are getting a bit messy on the money front..and my upped hours wont even really be noticed pay check wise until the middle of june..and so im just struggling with it all right now..and i still owe everyone under the sun money and im just i dont know..trying to manage and just failing miserably you know..i wonder what it is that i am managing to pay and im not freaking sure anymore..im really not...

i did end up turning down a case at work yesterday and so im still at 5 ppl and that is ok..and im managing i guess to fit everyone in that i can..and its just i dont know..i feel like i need to be doing more..i need to have another job..i need to be trying harder..i need i need i need..theres jut so much that i need to do and i keep messing up and i keep being a failure..and i cant manage to get anything done..and i swear if i have to call mommy today to borrow money to cover a bill i dont know what ill do..its just frustrating big time...and i dont know...couldnt care less this morning about anything and i do have one client to see today but ill be late cas i ahve to throw together a letter to send to mommy and everything and i know she is majorly pissed off taht i am dodging her calls and not answering her..and so ill be getting yelled at about that later and have i mentioend that i am jut screwed up lately??? i am just being stupid..and my head hurts really really badly..and if i cut today and go to the doctor tomorrow will they be able to patch me up and send me home?? i feel like i did before..where there is to much going on inside to manage to it all together on the outside without cutting..or doing something to ease up the overwhelming feelings...i dont know ..maybe i should call linda but i dont want to bother her and that will just take to much energy to try and focus and talk to her..i cant focus right now..maybe thats the problem..that i cant focus and i just want to lay down and not be around anyone because that means that i dont have to focus anymore and tomorrow and the rest of the week will be really busy and ill have lots and lots to do and get done and work stuff and all of that and im scared that ill just keep messing up and not be able to get anything fixed and if i borrow money from mommy ill be messing up stuff for her and its just that well without an extenstion for my bill im afraid that my power will be cut off..and i dont remember how much my next check will be and mommy has already told me not to forget to give her something out of my next check because she will be going out of town and i owe her..and yes i know that i owe her i do..i cant forget because she keeps telling me every other day about it..and so there is no why that i could forget..and im sorry but money jut doesnt grow on trees...and i have to cook dinner tonight because if i get take out one more time im going to throw up..my head really truly hurts right now ..and im almost out of time on the computer at the library and will have to go and figure out what it is im supposed to be doing..i have my computer with me and i know i have to do the letter..and then i have to go to work..and then make phone calls and then ..i dont know..i forget ..im picking big time ..face..arms..everywhere..just picking and picking and even after cutting my nails yesterday to stop the picking .im still doing it..

oh i remember...my job..is doing this give away thing...4 days and 3 nights in Orlando...and there are only like 4 rules ..and its between all the counselors..all like 5 of us...and i want that trip..i want it so so much..and i can pick when i want to go and i have to get there..but the hotel is paid for...and its going to last 2 months..this challenge of sorts..and its like..having to turn in all paperwork on time..and getting as many hours as you can..and being creative and bringing ideas to the team..that sort of thing for 2 months..and we were all told about it yesterday..and darn it i want to win that trip..
and the company is expanding soon..and opening up another location...and the boss lady was at the meeting yesterday and talked about us being able to get new opportunities in the company..and all of that..and it was pretty interesting to hear you know..

and then i worked last night..and stayed late again..and played with the baby..and all of that...and i better go...

craptastic day and its not even 12 yet

in a no good very bad mood

if i could be anymore annoyed at the world i would be..and today is the day that it would happen...craptastic day..craptastic weekend. i had to let go of every ounce of pride i had and ask my boss at work if i could borrow money against my next check..just so that i can make it through the next two weeks to get to my freakin next check...then i have all my work stuff going on that im no where near being done with..as freakin usual..and then i cancelled my pdoc appt cas she has already told me that i cant see her if i cant pay for the appt..so i have to see her in june..sometime..cant go tomorrow...yay me...and then i remembered at the last minute that i need to go and pick my prescriptions ffrom the clinic..the problem being that i cant go today..and will have to go tomorrow..the bigger problems being that i havent had the right dose for the effexor for like 3 days..and just the anxiety alone worrying about if ill start to withdraw from it between now and tomorrow morning has me on edge big time...and im stressing about it so much that i really think its making me feel worse..and i will do almost anything to just not withdraw from the effexor..but right now today i have to get work stuff done and that means not getting the meds till tomorrow morning..and then i was stupid and called the free clinic where my meds are at and asked how much my meds would be..and the guy on the phone sounded like i had lost my mind..and i was almost second guessing myself and thinking maybe my meds werent there or something..and then hes like no..if your meds are here then they are free...ok major duh me moment...so that was one good thing..but then i also remembered that i have to get my records from my pdoc and the gyno..and that brings me to the icing on the cake of my godawful morning...it will be most likely 40 bucks to get all of my records..wtf why does it cost to get the stupuid things..its just info about me..and most likely it is info that i can even read...ugh..crap crap crap...and so just mad and pissed off and angry at everything right now..and lets add in the issues with mommy needing junk from me and needing me to write something for my brother who is in trouble.and i just want to scream at everyone to leave me alone ..and i want to just go home and lay down with bounce and taji..and well bounce was awfully mad at taji for something early this morning and i woke up to her hissing like nobodies business..and so i closed taji up in the bedroom..and bounce was in the rest of the house..and they were on better terms this morning i guess...and not even thinking about tajis consistent ability to conform her body to fit against my arm no matter how im laying is making me feel better right now..i had to cut my nails this morning because the picking is off the charts right now...and well trying hard not to let it turn into full fledged cutting..but ugh..so now i cant pick although im trying hard to..im itchy and i dont know why..and im cranky and sick and tired and just not in a good spot at all right now..ok ..

guess an update....not writing much..not sure why either

yesterday kinda just sucked all around..and finaly after dropping off paperwork (yes got it done) we just had to go home cas could feel a full fledged tantrum coming on..and well yeah...easier to just go home and chill out than to deal with anything else yesterday..and it did help a lot that my evening person cancelled..cas just wasnt dealing to well with stuff....

today is better i think..did see t..and didnt cancel..and i guess did need to talk to her..and we did icky role plays dealing with mommy stuff..and then talked about my supervisor and i just wanted the floor to open up and swallow me i was so embarrassed yuck yuck not comfortable at all with that..but now t knows and said we would talk more about it...eessh

but yeah just taking it easy today...supervisor later and then just going home for the day..tuesday is my easy day of the week and im trying to enjoy it! ...

  ill have to add more of the cute pictures of taji lol. and poor bounce who im still giving lots of attention too..is just being bounce and trying to eat everything up ... i woke up this morning with taji trying to nurse my ear lol...once i was coherent enough to figure out what she was doing i got up and put down more food for her lol..but yes she was intent this morning on my ear ! but next month ill be getting both of them to the vet for check ups and all that fun stuff..

my brother sent me a message yesterday asking about a trip to busch gardens for his birthday in june...and well it would be cool you know cas everyone would be chilling at my place ( without mommy of course) and just having fun...im hoping that by then ill have a small little patio set and we can cook out or something..and they can all spend the weekend..and i nkow im planning all that..and will feel really crowded with my brother, his girlfriend, my sister and possibly her husband, and my younger brother..and 2 cats all in my apartment!! goodness..but will see..it may or may not happen...and holy crap those darn tickets are like 65 bucks a piece!!! craziness..

as for head stuff..i dont know...managing..not manaing..cant decide...major isolation over the weekend..and wasnt good..but no si or anything...think some sui feelings back and forth ..but i dont know..hard to tell these days..essh ..

....

i dont know what to write about..i really dont ..

today

well im not feeling suicidal...ill take that for progress...

did lots of thinking last night and realized that i am losing myself again and believing what other ppl are telling me and not thinking for myself type stuff...realized im making the choice to stay upset and sad and depressed about stuff that i cant change right now..so yeah...

overslept this morning..again..and so just ended up taking the morning and doing nothing with it...chilled out..fixed breakfast...cleaned up a bit..and actually started laundry..yay..i know its been a while..goodness...but im hoping to keep feeling a bit more motivated to do stuff...

something this week or next week i gotta go and do the intake junk..and maybe ill end up with different meds or something..cas yeah..feeling super dark and negative lately..and yeah i may be making it worse..but its not all me ! so yeah...

pulling away...

i know that it is happening...im starting to pull away from people..from everything really..i go to work now and that is about all..im not often calling anyone and talking so that hasnt changed..i mean really if its not mommy or nia or work or bills you wont find me on the phone at all..i text some..but lately i find that people are busy with their own lives and dont need me butting in...i feel sad and closed off...i feel at odds with myself really..i want to be left alone but at the same time i want to be surrounded by people who care and who notice me..and who can tell me over and over that i matter and that im important and needed and wanted...and since that cant happen..and its just me and my thoughts..then yes i am back to feeling very alone..and maybe this is because my head is just not comfortable lately..or maybe that i am still feeling sick and cranky...or maybe its that im afraid t will drop me because im doing better...i want her to see that i am doing better..but that would be lying to her...i dont want to see her next week..because i dont want to tell her what ive been up to..or that im still feeling suicidal ..very suicidal a couple days a week..or that i cut again last week..or that in general my mood has been very dark and negative and that mommy is feeding it big time..and well im in passive agressive mode a lot lately..and i hear mommy and turn it around cas well thats what i do..and well mommy is all o ver me lately about money and bill and owing her..and giving her money..and dieting and not eating..and i could almost swear that if she had it her way i would be a vegetarian again and i would be prolly borderline anorexic..and binging and purging again..i do work at not purging anymore because it hurts..and im very very ashamed about it...im more ashamed of the purging than the cutting...and i just want to talk so very much but im afraid of what to say..or i tell myself over and over that i have nothing to say..and goodness im just messing things up again...im not ok but i am ok..im managing against all of my wishes i am managing and i hate that..i just want to fall apart and be taken care of.just for a little while..but i have to take care of myself..i have to be an adult and do all the a dult stuff...and that means being responsible and going to work and talking and doing paperwork and taking care of bounce and taji and staying alive..even though i see no point in it..linda would tell me that im in one of my bad downward spikes..and she wouldnt be wrong...and im like well gee now is as good a time as any to go and do the intake for rbha but i dont want to talk to a doc about how im feeling cas it wouldnt be good..and well i dont feel comfortable going there and not feeling in control of myself because they do have the power to stick me in the hospital if im not in control..but i am depressed...suicidal..sad..disappointed ..in everything..self medicating big time with food and meds..and just trying to force myself to get through the day..forcing myself to get up and get dressed and do things...when i want to lay in bed..or i dont want to see clients because i dont feel like chasing them down..or having ppl cancel...last night i saw  my 6yr old and it was fun..but i had to leave..and go back to my lonliness when i was finished...i saw my supervisor yesterday and gosh i wanted to talk to her..so very much..but even with her i find myself pulling back..being unsure of what is ok to tell her..i c ant tell her that i feel like im falling apart..i cant tell my other supervisor that having 5 clients is a little overwhelming...i had to prove to myself yesterday that i could do the paperwork..and turn it in..all of the paperwork..i have to prove that i can do the work..that i am not going to fall apart..that im able to manage 5 clients and life outside of work...but what happens if i cant manage?  what am i going to do?  mommy is pushing for me to get another job..for me to come home more often..and i just cant deal with her in addition to everything else..she asks how im doing and i say fine...she wants to knkow what im up to and i say nothing..what do i do with my time??  we talked about suicide yersterday in the staff meeting and i hid in the bathroom for a few minutes because i felt like crying...i have my braclets on and they cover the scars on my wrist if i remember to keep them on and not move my arm around...the scars are healing..and they no longer hurt atall..and i miss the pain..i want the pain..i want something..but im not supposed to cut..im not suppsoed to hurt..how can i make t understand that i deserve it? that i ahve to do it sometimes?  that sometimes the release and the quiet is all that i want..and that cutting is the only thing that gives it to me?  yes i guess that makes me crazy..mentally unstable...stupid..dumb...lost...i dont want to see t anymore..im all better you know..i can fake it well enough to get by..i can keep faking it until i just cant anymroe you know..but im just so tired of faking and pretending and feeling so lost and confused with my thoughts and in my head..and i want to hide ..go away..get away from everything...

i thought taji would fix me...i thought bounce would fix me..that having something that depends on me to stay alive would keep me grounded..would help me...but its not fixing me..keeping me busy and entertained yes...but a fix all ..no :(...

ive messed up this month...money wise..and im trying to pay bills with money i dont have...realized i have forgotten bills..paid other things in place of bills..and now this month is shakey...and im trying to hang on till my next check so that i can pay other stuff..and hope that everything will work out...hope that i wont be in to much trouble...hoping that somehow ill be able to manage to hang on enough to just catch up...but as usual its just a month to month thing..a pay check to pay check thing..and i cant manage...completely forgot about my storage and im almost ready to just let them take it and sale all my junk..but no..i have to call today and set something up..i have to make so many phone calls that it makes my head hurt..i need more time with everything..i just keep messing up...

i have to go...i need to go home and get some cleaning done..laundry done...actually fix dinner and not get take out yet again..just need to go home...

Do not let your shadow walk you. You are not a slave of the past. ~ Dodinsky

taji - new kitty :)

this is taji :) and the newest member of my little family.  she is 8 weeks old and so very small!!  shes adjusting to the house..and well bounce is now the one hissing and being in general a bit annoyed that her space is invaded. but its not bad and shes not attacking..so thats good!  and for now the kitten is staying in my room and is closed in there at night and stuff..until bounce is feeling a bit nicer !  but yes now there is bounce and taji and me :) and thats all