falling in the dark..:( (last night)

Today..tonight..im struggling..big time struggling…wanted to cut..still really wanting to cut ..but trying to stay distracted…and played a card game on my phone..and now playing cards on my computer..and if I see another card game ill scream..but the bad thing about the games is that I can play and still think..and right now thinking is the problem..thinking is what is driving me crazy..because I didn’t realize how much going home brings up so many unmet needs that I have..needs that I cant seem to put a name to.but I am obsessing about getting a new pet..and it is an obsession and most likely wont stop till I have one…I keep telling my client that im going to take her baby..ive told my sister and brother and ppl I work with that I want a baby to have..and that I want some one to give me a baby…no where in any of this do I mention wanting a husband or a boyfriend..i don’t want to be pregnant and actually have a baby..no .. so what do I want? A baby to magically fall from the sky and into my lap? What is it that im trying to get that I cant seem to get the words out to express like a normal person?  Why am I using my wants of a baby or a new animal to cover up what it is that I truly need…I mentioned the baby thing again today to the secretary at work…and she looked at me like I had lost my mind…and then she said..that I just wanted something to love…and then that turned into a conversation about a boyfriend ..and I just ugh I cant handle those conversations because I cant ever seem to get into why that is such a problem for me…and I had a conversation right before that with my supervisor about babys and being pregnant and artificial insemination and all of that..and barely managed to contain the horror of actually having a child..but I got through the convo…and along the lines of her asking that I just have the baby I mentioned that I wasn’t going to and that there were issues with that…no details..so I have no idea what she got from it..but who knows..but anyway..i left them and just cant seem to get the thoughts out of my head…am I really lacking so very much in love that I would be willing to do something off the wall to get it? I don’t understand myself..and I don’t want to understand the fear and disgust over having a relationship with anyone..i don’t want to have to acknowledge just how much it is that I hate myself..and just how unfair it would be to subject someone else to that level of self hate..yeah I can hide it..but it would come out…all I would really have to do would be to pull up my sleeves and the self hate is written all over my body…in every single scar, in every single cut..there is hate..there is fear, sadness, hurt..all things that I struggle to explain to someone else..why would I willing make someone else carry my burdens for me..thats not possible…and its not that I cant love someone else…I just wont allow myself to..and I don’t think I would allow someone else to love me…im to distrusting..i would wonder why me..why waste the time on me? And I wouldn’t be comfortable with it..because I couldn’t accept that someone else can love me when there is nothing in me worth loving..i am nothing..im not important..im not needed or wanted..and still believe quite simply that if I died tomorrow no one would miss me at all..that is what I think..so why would I begin to drag someone down with me.i can do that alone without any help..and I don’t want the guilt that would come from making someone else miserable..as much as I fear being alone that’s exactly what I am..alone..forgotten..miserable..what is it that holds me here? In my life? Sometimes I really don’t know..sometimes I really have to sit and think to come up with a reason to keep living..to keep going forward when I see nothing promising in my future…my goal is still not to kill myself I guess..but the thoughts can become so overwhelming..when I am feeling so sad…and so alone..and I want to push everyone away from me..i want to be mean and tell everyone to go away and leave me alone…I remember the list of stuff I made with linda and I want to ignore it..pretend that im stupid and not do a single thing..i was going to ignore it…I was going to buy razors and just quiet my head..calm myself down so that I could fall asleep..i wanted the pain..i wanted to hurt..i do want to hurt..but they didn’t have the razors I wanted at the store..and that made me mad..how can I be mad that Im not able to hurt myself?  But I am..i wanted it..i had it all planned out and worked out in my head..and it got messed up..my plan ruined..i couldn’t focus..i couldn’t remember what I was even in the store for..my head hurt..and I just felt lost..and upset..and had the huge need to just go home because it was an environment I knew...i hate when im like that..because I feel so aimless..and so lost..so out of sorts with everything going on around me..and its not good..because if it spikes into something really bad then I am stuck and overwhelmed and afraid..and last time I couldn’t even drive myself home I freaked out so badly..couldnt calm down enough to feel comfortable driving and it took like 2 hours to get home..which was normally like a 20 min drive..given I spent most of that time just sitting in the parking lot and not doing anything..but I guess you get the picture..im a depressing mess..and I feel like everything a bout me..everything I am.everything I try to be is a lie…one big empty lie..there is nothing to me..and sometimes I do think that everyone would be better off without me…I really do..and I cant be fixed..im to broken for that…I cant be anything..

My thoughts are still going a mile a minute..and I guess if I write down all the craziness then maybe I will feel better..or at least take off some of the pressure…

Sometimes I think that I just want to much from other people.that I need to much..and that I am overwhelming to everyone that gets to know me…I need people to constantly tell me that I am okay..that im needed..that im safe..and I don’t have anyone to tell me that..and so it does always seem like I am unsure of myself..that I cant judge my own self worth without someone else telling me…I cant settle or believe my own thoughts because they could be lies…and I guess I realize that I am a lot to deal with..but maybe im the only one that realizes that because I keep so much of what I am feeling to myself…well hell right now im ready to tell the world that I am freaking losing my mind..and that someone needs to fix me right this minute before I go insane…I know im not going to act on my thoughts..but I wish I would..just so that the thoughts would stop..just so that the thoughts would slow down..or quiet down..or something…anything..i want someone to just see and understand how so very not okay I am..but that would of course mean giving up all self control that I have..and im not ok with that at all…the closet I get is with linda.and even that is a very controlled chaos..and I don’t know what it is that I want or what it is that will help me right now…im afraid to actually text or talk to anyone because im feeling very mean..and I want someone else to hurt as much as I am right now..i want to say mean things..i want to hurt someone else on purpose..so that I wont be alone in my sad and upsetting thoughts…because then ill ha ve a reason to be angry..then ill have someone to be angry at ..when right now I don’t know what im angry at..or who im angry at..or why im even angry…is it anger or sadness that im feeling?   I feel so stuck ..wanting things that I cant have..wanting the happiness that other people have and I don’t …im afraid of wanting so much and not being able to get it..i want comfort so very much..i want to feel safe and protected..and not lost and adrift in the sea of my dark thoughts..because they are just getting darker..the more I sit here and think and try to distract and end up just thinking and the thoughts are going back and forth..and im more than willing right now to go to stupid rbha and tell them im losing my mind and I need my medicine changed or something…right cas if I go and mention im suicidal..im pretty sure ill be approved for services..and I hate that…I hate knowing that I am so unstable at times.but that at the same time I can pass for quite stable…I can pass for anything that I need to pass for…I have to work..and would most likely lose my job if I mentioned how not ok I was most of the time..if I mentioned that im liable to not be able to function without my medication..or that im so depressed and suicidal I don’t know what to do with myself..and then they are going to send me out to work with clients who are mentally unstable at times??? Who is helping who exactly??  How can I help anyone else when I cant even help myself?  How can I not even want to help myself?  I should want to be alive and I don’t..i should want help and I just want to be left alone..

And I am back for the 3^rd time tonight..to write..to think..to try to make sense of the disorder in my head…I am calmer…im not about to fly apart..im not thinking about dying anymore….i ha ve a major headache..and im wishing for the 50^th time that I had my night meds..and im cursing myself for not getting the script filled today..im tired and im fighting sleep..and I guess I knew that would happen..so when im done writing this since its after midnight now..ill just take some of the over the counter stuff..just so that ill go to sleep..im tired..really tired..and im just sitting awake..watched a movie.a funny one..and had some ice cream and just laid down for a while..but now the movie is over and I guess I should put in another one..so that maybe soon ill fall asleep…im not comfortable in my skin tonight..and tossing and turning and everything…but yeah..gotta go take something..cas if I just sit up all night then tomorrow may turn into a repeat of tonight and I would rather that did not happen…I know I got really tired after writing the second part of what I wrote earlier…and I am still a bit sick and coughing..and haven’t really had a good nights sleep in a while cas of being out of meds..ugh…gotta get them filled tomorrow…that’s my plan…and that will get me out of the house..

Im just lying to myself..telling myself that Im ok when im not..making myself believe that I am in control of myself and my thoughts and feelings..and all of it..i thought I was suicidal but I am..and I also know that with complete certainty that I will not make it through the weekend with out cutting..crap im not even sure ill make it through the night without cutting…I keep trying to do other stuff..and the thoughts go away and then come right now..and they are getting stronger..harder to ignore..and I am disappointed in myself already..for wanting to give in..but im afraid of where my thoughts are going and I just want a little bit of calmness..i want a little bit of a release..and I just want my head to stop…for the first time in a very very long time I have just been sitting here and wondering about what it would mean to be in the hospital..to be able to be away from everything and get a handle of my head..and all of my issues..but  I cant..i cant do that..i cant allow that to happen..and I need to get control of myself again..i need to stay in control of myself..and right now im walking that really fine line again…its either I suffer completely … or I can cut and bring my thoughts back down to a manageable level..ive tried the distractions..all except for calling anyone..ive texted a bit but not called..because as much as I want to talk to someone..i cant find the courage or the drive to find the words to express the hopelessness that is taking over me… I cant find a way out right now..and I don’t know what else to do to calm down…I need to hurt..i want to hurt..i want to be able to say that I am still alive and breathing and that im not dead..i don’t know..maybe death would be taking the easy way out..but I don’t really care..i want to go away..im tired of being me..and I just want to be someone else..someone better…someone able to manage..someone who wants to be alive..instead of me..instead of constantly having to convince myself to stay alive..no I am not happy tonight..and I don’t feel like I will ever be happy again..and im supposed to wait out the feelings..cas they will stop…but when will they stop? All evening..since before I left my office..the thoughts just get worse..and I wait..and distract and stay busy..and all of it..and nothing helps..my thoughts still win…my head is still fighting with itself..and im just stuck somewhere in the middle..waiting for the decision to be made..even though I already know what it is…but I cant cut anymore..because if I did ..then it would be a mess and it would most likely involve my wrists..not to die..but just to see..i have to see my pain..the overwhelming pain that hides away inside of me..and I need to let it out..i want to just get rid of it..no nothing is helping lately..nothing at all..and im still struggling and im still stuck somewhere..and im still just waiting to die..and no my meds are not right. That I do know I guess..but I don’t know what to do with that information because Im not sure anymore what I need the meds to help with…I want to be numbed out but the meds wont do that…well they will do that but my pdoc refuses to give me anything strong enough to numb myself..but then I guess that leaves me up to my own devices..and ill do stupid things with my meds..and again death will not be the outcome..and I guess it wouldn’t be for lack of trying..no im to stupid to die..and im to much of a coward to actually kill myself..cas what would mommy say to me..what would people think..and ill be damned if ill be the one to tell mommy that im in the hospital because I tried to kill myself..thats a one way ticket back home..and that I cant let happen either..so it just leaves me here..to suck it up and deal with it..and to hope that ill fall asleep before I manage to cut…because I don’t have anything that is easily accessible..and that means going out of my way to break apart a razor…again..and that’s of course after trying other methods that didn’t work..and I guess ill just have to be ashamed of myself tomorrow…cas I cant seem to summon up anything but tiredness tonight..and well I guess im done trying for the night..im tired and to keyed up to sleep..to much anxiety and worry and thinking..i just want to calm down and sleep..thats all..thats my break..

random comment

today i was told while talking to my boss that i sounded like sunshine...i sounded so happy ...


can we say embarrassed!!!!!!!!!!!!!

trust....

i have been thinking about trust today..no real reason why..it was jut on my mind as i left one of my clients houses today...and i do believe that i trust the adults that i work with..in a different sort of way than i trust my family..but i dont believe my clients would hurt me...mental illness or not i truly dont believe they would..and yes i deal with some signficant mental illnses..and people with massive major issues..and still i go and talk to them and work with them..and treat them as i treat anyone else..and so yes i believe im safe with them...a couple of my clients live in not so safe areas..and like i wouldnt be caught in those areas at night..i wouldnt...but when i am there during the day..im nervous..and edgy..but then i see my clients..and they walk me to my car..they tell there friends to introduce themselves...somehow i am looked after even by them...and i think that is important..i mean i am not there to judge them or hurt them or anything..and i think that shows..and in return ..they protect me and allow me to work with them...

but at the same time i wonder if i am to trusting...if i am not keeping myself closed off to them...if i am crossing smoe boundary..and inside i dont feel that i am..how can they trust me if i dont show that i am able to trust them?  how can i accept them to tell me about there lives if im not slightly open and mention things in my life occasionally...im in there homes..in there lives..and i expect them to just willingly want to talk to me about EVERYTHING all at once..and i guess thats not completely fair you know...

hmm i dont know...just thinking...

im tired...very tired...

well this week has been crazy busy..and im just overly tired...mostly likely because of not feeling so great...and just all the coughing and not sleeping is wearing on my body it seems..and so by 1 in the afternoon im ready for a nap..and today i think i may actually go home and take one..because i dont see my next person until like 4:30 this afternoon..and i am currently incredibly tired and worn out..and have i mentioned tired...im hoping tomorrow ill be able to go and get my sleeping meds filled..cas i would do anything right now to get a full nights sleep!

hmm what else has been going on...saw linda this week..and we talked about acceptance a lot..and all of that..parts of it i am still thinking about..processing..trying to figure out...but it was an okay session..im working on dealing with seeing her every other week..and so yeah..trying to accept that i cant see her as often as i like right now ..and just going to have to deal with it...but i guess im managing ok...some ups and downs..but managing...

mommy is on her usual you need to do this mode...since she saw me this weekend..and didnt say anything.but now the phone calls about not eating certain things..and losing weight..and taking care of myself..and all of that is starting up..and ten she asked when i would be coming home again..and i didnt have anything to tell her...i dont want to go home if all im gonna hear is how much i need to improve and everything..theres not a point in going home..cas she can tell me that one the freaking phone..

money this month..well for may is going to be really touch and go...got bills to catch up on and of course not all the money to cover everything..and as much as i hate paying some things and not others..im gonaa have to figure out something...and im afraid that ill end up not being able to pay all of my rent at once..and dealing with that...cas mommy needs mommy that ive borrowed back..and then i have a massive electric bill that needs to be paid..and just other things that i need money for ..and im getting a check..but ugh..yeah..just frustrating to still be living paycheck to paycheck..and i mean overall yes things could be a whole lot worse..and i know that..but its still really frustrating..and then with all the driving around i do..and gas prices still creeping up..i do feel really very stuck right now..but on the work front..i know have 5 clients..and if i see everyone and my people are at all and avaible then my checks will start improving again..and for at least the next 3 months..things will calm down for me..and ill be able to save a bit..and get on top of bills and everything..gosh i owe so many people so much money..and im still struggling you know...and so i think that for now im done with trips and everything out of town..cas i need to just catch up...and im trying not to worry myself about things..because yes i know what needs to be paid and it will all get paid somehow..i just need more time..and then there is stuff going on with my car that i need to get fixed..and there is one super major important thing that is hanging over my head..and that i keep putting off ..and if i dont get it fixed i could end up in a hell of a lot of trouble..and so im determined to get it paid in may...and stop putting it off..and just get it taken care of..cas i am sick of having it hanging over me..and feeling so worried and stressed out about it...

im also in the process of looking to adopt another kitten..and so im just looking around online and when i have the money im going to go to the spca and stuff..and see ...im trying not to rush into it..and trying to take my time and not push myself to do it..but another kitten will make me happy..and im not looking for any more than 2 cats total..and bounce does need a playmate..and i think if they are closer in age then they will get along much better lol...still go through bouts of really missing dusti...but its getting easier...

oh and i also have to keep working on paying off my therapy bill. and what not..cas yeah..super high...but am working on it...

i guess im starting to feel better..im not coughing as much anymore..and im not feeling like im standing at deaths door waiting to just keel over or something..so that is good...now i just needd some time to regroup and rest and chill..and ill do that this weekend.. along with the massive amounts of paperwork that ill have to do inorder to keep up with my increase in clients and things..now im back to using my calendar and actually scheduling in ppl..and all of that...so yeah...busy busy busy...

just stuff

"There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will." ~ Epictetus

 

Until you yourself pay attention to your needs and discover that you are the chieftain of your life, that feeling of emptiness will visit you now and then. ~ by Dodinsky

 

what i wrote at home

I can feel it.,,im slipping…falling hard into just all the negative thinking and feeling and just wanting a way out…im at home and really haven’t even been at home for a full day and already I want to leave..i want to go back to va..i want to go home…this isn’t my home anymore..my home is in Richmond with bounce..not here..and its as if I just stick out horribly in my family..no one knows me..no one wants me around..and im not comfortable here..always on guard..wondering what is being thought or said about me..being at home makes me feel depressed..just being here..nothing has happened..nothing has caused me to feel depressed…but I am..i want to cry and im feeling trapped and very alone and isolated…now im surrounded by people and I feel more alone here than at my apartment in va..and im anxious…my depression is playing a part in things..i don’t feel involved..i want quiet and to be left alone..in a house full of people..someone is always talking…doing soething..playing music…and because of my medicine I cant drink..which I forgot..and barely drank half a cup of a mixed drink and I felt sick..and so stopped..and just kinda watched at the wedding…the wedding was today and that was a bunch of bs.like im happy for the couple I am..but im embarrassed by my family and the racist stuff that is going on…I thought that junk didn’t happen..and I guess that’s highly stupid of me you know…but I am upset that there are ppl in my family that don’t except my cousins new wife because she is white..and have told her so..and it bothers me…a lot..and I just kinda found all that out and I didn’t want to be at the wedding anymore..i felt sad and angry and just frustrated that the girl is getting married and is more anxious about her husbands side of the family because of there disapproval…I don’t know the girl..but well with my talking skills it would take forever for me to get to know her…and just to prove the others wrong I feel the need to be beyond welcoming and nice and all of that…I mean really its just a skin color..why does that need to be so importantL  why does that have to hold so much weight..and why are the standards different  depending on who it is..its unfair…very very unfair..and it all upsets me very much..i don’t understand people..i really don’t..i don’t understand the need to hate and condemn someone based on how they are different…and it happens every single day..the wedding itself was nice..but again I spazzed…I don’t like crowds and this was a crowd for me..i didn’t feel comfortable..i wasn’t in my element at all..and I felt like it..i wasn’t feeling good and just wasn’t in a partying mood..i had moments where I was included and stuff..but there were times when it felt like I was just completely alone in a sea of all of these people..and no one noticed me..:( it was hard..and I was feeling sad and closed off and just wanted to sit somewhere quiet and read..and I couldn’t…and then I didn’t want to play a game with my sister and brother and his gf and I just feel pressured I guess..i want to be included but I don’t want to drink…and I don’t feel up to it..im tired…and ive done a lot of driving in the past couple days and im not sleeping and just so much is goiong on in my head that I know that drinking anything else will not be a good idea..im sorry im not more social..i am…im sorry im not more talkative and all of that…but its just not me …and I don’t know how to fit in with my own family..and so yes my depressing sad and overwhelming thoughts are crazy right now…im judging myself horribly..and I just want to sleep and forget to think..or do anything..but I don’t have enough meds..and so its either I sleep tnight or tomorrow night..but I don’t have enough for both nights and that is upsetting too..and just there is to much of changing beds..and not feeling comfortable..and being on edge..and I just cant manage right now..and I want to go home..and cant…not until Sunday… I just want bounce and my apartment and my stuff and just ..everything that I don’t have here..

hmmm

well typing this on my phone and its so weird. i have so much to say and i would be typing for hours on my phpne. i was sick at home and that made for a very miserable trip. i was really depressed at home though. im glad to be back in my own apartment though. this is my home now and i guess i had to go home to see that. but ill give a better updste tomorrow

home today...nervous as all heck...
not sleeping cas dont have enough of the sleep meds...stupid me for not getting them filled before i left...

loads of paperwork to do for this week! and that is a bit stressful...

yesterday got my nails done..and did my hair..and got my eye brows done...spent to much money but its been forever since ive done something like this...it was diffferent..allowing someone else to like have the control you know..but it was nice too...a nice change...

consistent bad choices...

really am i like predestined to make bad choices all the time?? like really???

i have money..well not much..and technically it is money i need for other stuff..but thats a completely different rant..but yes i have a little money..and instead of me using it for what i need it for..no i have to use it to get fast food..like every freaking day!  ok maybe every other day or something..its a pain in the butt..and so so unhealthy and i know that and still its like i have to have it..and to make it worse..i have freaking food at home..i do cas i went to the grocery store the other day..i have left overs i need to eat..i have food at home..but i just want fast food..and i just keep making horrible choices when it comes to food...sometimes i can limit it..and sometimes i cant..and it just frustrates me..cas i was doing good you know..and well i really couldnt afford to get fast food..but now i have money and so its like yes fast food..its easy ..convenient..and such a bad choice..and its a bad choice that i make like 5 times a week!! ugh...so annoying..

collages..

guess not been feeling as happy as i thought

hmmm

We build our own prison, brick by brick, when we welcome and accept the judgment of others. ~ by Karen Burch

 

 

sometimes i wonder how consuming my prison will become...and how far i will let it go...

i dont know...

mini crisis last night

Im about to go insane…im feeling very confused about what I want right this minute..and im confused about how to even put what I want into words..i want to talk to someone how I got confort from but im afraid to message her..well actually I did message her and mostly just said hi..and I feel like I want the floor to just open up and swallow me for being so stupid and even messaging her…but I want to talk to her..i would give anything to talk to her and for her not to be mad at me..but I don’t know…I messed up and well I cant do anything but wait for her response and go from there…gosh I so very much just want to be comforted right now…and I am feeling very scared and so disoriented and out of sorts..my head is full of things that I want to say and cant..or what I need to get out and I cant…the past few days ive been trying to sort stuff out to work on a collage..but cant seem to get it together to even do that..and so everything is a mess..i feel like things are just a mess right now..and I don’t know why..today was an okay day..yesterday was ok..and Friday I was almost happy..and now its like all gone and my anxiety is up..my confusion is up..and im just at a loss right now…I really may need to ban myself from watching any thing every again..because I was watching a movie today..well this evening..and the need to be loved..wanted..something became so strong…and after those feelings..the immense loneliness came..in all of its overwhelmingness..and im lonely..im sad..im alone..and there is of course no one to hear my frustration..and there is no way for me to scream in anger or lonliness or anything..and im just stuck..with nothing to do…how do I fix this?  How can I get myself to focus and back on track?  My mind is whirling away from me and I cant stop it..crap crap crap..trying to remember what I talked about with linda..and the whole abc thing ..the triangle but I cant remember..and its all mixed up..and I swear ive had the abc method conversation a million times with her..and when I need it I cant remember it ..and I most certainly don’t know where the paper has gone that she gave me..crap..

Thought..belief..feeling.. uh darnit I don’t remember which is first..somehow they are connected..and I don’t remember..and I can feel panic setting in ..and im stupid because I forget again..and ugh I really do want to scream..

Umm no that’s wrong..ok im going to skip the wrongness of it and just go with what I have..

Currently my thought is that im all alone…im feeling disconnected ..panicked..and my belief is that im not wanted at all.. and I really don’t know the point of this..i don’t know what its supposed to change or make better or fix..i just want to go and sit in a corner somewhere and just cry…this is stupid

well

im around a bit..but really am feeling very quiet...am having some good days .. so i cant really complain you know..just trying to take things as well as i can..and am trying to stay as positive as i can i guess..


going to my sisters either wed or thursday and spending a day with her before heading home to the wedding..so it will be a nice little break...but yes a lot of driving to cram into 3 days ..but well ill do what i have to do..

finally got to go shopping for food and what not on friday..and well spent to much money..but oh well..gotta work with what i have and so will manage...always do! somehow

hmm feeling really quiet ...

things are fairly quiet right now i guess..it sorta feels like im laying low..letting things kind of adjust and im trying to just process everything that is going on..because well there is a lot going on..aand it is all just a lot to deal with on some levels and completely out of my control on others..and so i guess in some way i am trying to keep myself safe and sane ..

so what is going on...i mean i can say that the ususal stuff is going on..that im worrying alot and having trouble sleeping and majorly weird dreams that seem to be so close to reality.and just feeling sad and upset and well just feeling a lot of stuff..and not sure what to do with myself you know...im tired..and sleepy and just wanting to ignore the world a bit...im worried about work stuff and my clients and my new clients and just lots of worrying going on...

the big thing this week..hmm there have been a few...im totally and utterly upset with my pdoc..and even though on some level i can completely understand where she is coming from..its like she isnt getting that change is a major..massive no for me..and i know that its not fair that i cant afford her..and that i have a bill for her..and that i cant really pay it off all at once..and all of that..i know that..i do..and that she doing her job and that means she gets paid for her services..and so on and so forth..and im not doing what i need to be doing you know..and so yes when she mentioned me having to consider other options and look into a pdoc i can afford..i was throughly pissed off at her..mad at the world..and just not in a good frame of mind...understanding the situation and then knowing that it most likely means changing doctors does not make me feel better at all..and i dont like...and i dont like that i told her im struggling right now and she didnt changge my medicine..but with her i know its a waste of breath to argue the mendication point..and so somewhere at the back of my mind i have to wonder if a new pdoc is a better option...and then i feel guilty for even thinking that...but pretty much i was told i dont really have a choice in the matter and that i will need to do what she is advising..and that for now she will be able to keep seeing me possibly..but not long term or whatever..and so yes i did shut down fairly quickly in her office..and stopped listening to her..and just couldnt focus on what she was saying and it just kept coming back to not having a real choice in the matter you know..and i dont like that..i know i dont make massive amounts of money but not having the money to afford the services that i needs makes me want to just scream and cry in frustration..it really does...and so i was told that between now and my next appt with my pdoc that i need to check out the resource that she gave me..which is one of the county mental health places ..and i dont know how i feel about that..im ashamed and slightly horrified that i cant afford my doctors or my medicine..im ashamed that i have to use free services and get assistance and resources..and i guess i just feel like one of my clients you know..being handed all of this information about services that i use with my clients and its like you need to call and make am appointment and go through the intake just to see if i qualify for assistance..i am very ashamed and maybe that is what is at the bottom of all of my anger and upset about the situation..

and so i will do what i said i would do..i will go and do the intake and see what happens and report back like a good little girl..because if nothing else i can follow orders :(

i also had to talk about the finiancial piece of it..and let them know that i will be coming in on friday to pay on both accoutns a bit...and go from there..do i really have the money...prolly not..but this is a bill i created and so i have to be the adult and be responsible and pay it off as much as i can a little at a time...even though it also shames me horribly..shame...pride..its all meshing in with all of this and causing more problems that its worth..it really is...and im just struggling .. i mean crap what next?? ill be applying for medicaid?? applying for disability?? ugh..i know i am overreacting big time but it all just upsets me ..and feeling stuck and frustrated gets me no where...and if i dont set something up soon then ill have to most likely stop seeing linda..and well im going downhill now...lets add in not seeing linda ..and well i guess then it will jut be a matter of time before i do something incredibly stupid...i mean already i fight the urges of cutting and how much easier it would be if i just kept giving in..of wondering what would happen if i just had more razors available..and how easy it would be to just make the inside pain go away..take away my only real outlet..and yeah..dont know..dont trust myself at all right now..and well i guess thats saying alot...how can i be so depressing and hopeless with myself..and then be so positive and almost upbeat with my clients..why is it possible for me to give them hope aabout there lives and concerns and issues..and not myself...why am i so different...why do i have to treat myself so differently??

and well that leads me to saying that i talked to linda..really truly talked to linda about the past..about the beatings..about mommy...not everything..just some things..and it was hard and scary and made me feel very exposed and troubled..and she told me that it wasnt my fault and that it was abuse and i just dont know what to think..im afraid you know..worried about what she thinks..worried about what i think...since tuesday the thoughts have calmed down some concerning that therapy session..and im afraid that i do feel a sort of relief..if i let myself..that finally im talking about it..that finally it will stop having so much power over me..that finally i will at least be able to stop hiding to one person...but then i just try to fight myself on how i am feeling and about what happened and what i sad and i feel horrified that i gave in and actually talked to her..that i told her about some of the fear..and all of that..and i wonder if i am doing the right thing..if i am making the right choice...and i dont have an answer for myself...i am trying to be very careful and keep tight control on my moods and reactions and things..i dont want to do anything stupid..and i dont want to end up messing things up you know...im still walking that fine line between being ok and not ok..but i have to take it a day at a time..or it all becomes overwhelming to me...im working on collages and things..and trying to do little things to distract myself..

and for the topper to the week..i had to go and see the doctor yesterday...and yes shame and anxiety was at an all time with that one..but i went...regular doctor appt at the free clinic..and all fear and shame aside..it went okay...i had to ask for a female doctor though..because at first they had me with a male doctor and i just was not ok with that at all..and so i was able to see a female doctor and she was incredibly nice..and caring..and touchy...i really do think she cared though..and we talked a lot about how i was feeling and the depression and what not..i told her about my medicine and the issues going on with my pdoc and possibly needing to find a new one..and so we talked about that..and she checked me out and everything.nothing incredibly invasive..and at one point she stopped and told me that it was ok to look at her..and that there was nothing to be ashamed of..and i almost wished i was able to just let go of the fear and look at her..but i couldnt..and it wasnt about her..but just me and the situation and all that was going on ..and my usual fears that prevented me from looking at her..but i did work hard to be honest about what was going on..and how i had been feeling..and what was bothering me physically and emotionally..talked about the depression and the cutting even..and yes i even had her check out my feet and the issues going on there..and at the end..she of course gave me lots of information about another free service..that would possibly be able to help with seeing a pdoc..and getting meds and everything..i was able to get a sample for the lexapro..and will have that for a month! which really truly helped out a lot..and even though i have to  get the effexor out of pocket for this month..next month ill be getting it through the clinic at a reduced price...and that will take care of those two...i think that in the future i will be dealing with some major med changes and everything..and ill have to have some plan set in place you know to get them...so again i have all this information and all this stuff to do..and again it was given to me in a way that is you have a month to check it out..before my next appointment..i have two different places to check out for the same service..and both have an intake process that i have to go through..and see what happens..i have a follow up appt next month to go back to the doctor..and ill go..i was warned that i most likely may not be seeing the same doctor..and i guess the lady i saw yesterday picked up on my fear of just being there and what ever..and told me that all of the doctors were understanding and caring and would do everything possible to help me...and she added that she put in my chart that i wanted to see a female doctor..because i do refuse to see a male..i just cant do it..im not comfortable with a male..and so i guess it was a positive visit you know..still afraid of going back and worried ..but i guess each time it will be easier to go and see the doctor..because lately its like..i think that its hard to get help if i cant talk about what is going on..you know its not that i lie about stuff ..but i just dont say anything..and i have to start talking if i want to get help..and its like there are resources and what not and i just have to be willing to use them and benefit from them while i can..and that line of thinking does make me feel like a client.but im trying to keep in mind that all of this stuff in confidential and that even if i happen to see a doctor at the same place i take a client then its not as if i will be talked about while there..its not about me when im working..and when im not working its about me..and i have to be able to understand the difference and know that i am safe..and that no one is going to tell on me.. -sigh- and that i am just using a resource..and that it is not the end of the world...even though it feels like it may end at any moment..

and so that is where i am at i guess...lots to think about..lots to decide..

i get paid tomorrow and everything and im trying so hard to figure out bills and spending money and all of that..i wish for things to work out but i know that it is still going to be tricky for a little while..and that no everything is able to be paid at this time..and so ill have to deal with it..and pay what i can..and pay on things..and then just go from there...because well there are the important things..and then there are things that i just want..and with going home for the weekend at the end of next week i will need money for gas and traveling and everything..in addition to my usual weekly stuff you know..and then having money for gas and groceries and all of that..so yeah..im glad tomorrow is pay day..but im also dreading that tomorrow is pay day...ugh...and plus i need to get my effexor filled..and possibly my other med..and well gonna have to see how much it will be and go from there...

and today well is not a busy day for me like yesterday was..and so im ending up taking it easy and everything you know...but still feeling kinda lost at what to do with myself..and trying not to stay at home ..because i know ill just fall into bad thoughts and depressive thinking and everything..so yeah..