food weirdness....again

before i write anything i feel the need to point out that i am not purging...thats really important for some reason...but that being said..im doing all sorts of other stuff...

i dont know where to begin really...its all just a confusing mess..and im stuck in the middle of it..and im not sure what im doing or what i want to do..im just kinda coasting alone through it all...because of money issues..buying food and all of that has been a big concern...and so when i have money now..or whenever i get a little bit of money i obsess about food and buying food and all of that..i get so freaked out that im gonna run out of food..that i have to buy everything i can..and there have been a couple times when i really was out of food..and for me being out of food really means that there is nothing in the house that i will eat..i understand that beggars cant be choosers..but i really have so many issues when it comes to food and what i will and wont eat that its ridiculous..where as someone else would come into my apartment and find plenty to eat..i see what i have and its nothing..i dont want it..which brings me to the issue of throwing away perfectly good food because i dont want it..its not even an issue of it being not good or old or growing mold or something...no..once i decide i dont want it and that i wont eat it i will throw it away..and then feel guilty for wasting food..and well its a pretty bad circle..i mean in general im not buying the healthiest food you know..the healthy junk is more expensive..and i can get microwave pizzas and junk for like 1 or 2 dollars..and to me it makes sense to buy what i can afford and just say screw it to being healthy..because its just more stress and more issues..and well im not lacking by any means in issues...but in all honesty i eat like a child..i would be perfectly happy going to a restaurant and ordering off of the kids menu because thats easier and less stress..and the food isnt all weird and gross..but im not a child..and i need to be able to order like an adult and most of the time i dont even want too...

the past few days i have been cramming together everything food wise..i keep saying no to fast food and turningaround and getting it...and then i wont eat anything else that day if its late..or ill go out late and grab something because im just so hungry..and just need something to eat..god i think i crave mcdonalds!..and i know its not healthy ..i know that..and yet i get it like it is..and i just make myself think that its ok..that ill stop eating it tomorrow..and that it will all magically be ok...when i know good and well that im gaining weight..and that im not eating healthy and that my blood pressure is high..i know all of this and still im making horrible choices when it comes to food...the past few days ive been eating a salad with dinner...small ones..but salad none the less..and when i cook i dont make the most unhealthy stuff..but it could be healthier..and its all about choices im making and what i think and i dont know how to change it...im trying to keep more fruit and stuff in the house..but its like i just want it while im in the store and once im at home i dont want any of it anymore and then it all just sits in the fridge until it goes bad and ive wasted the money..i cant afford to waste money and yet i keep doing this..i keep buying stuff that i think im gonna eat and then i dont like it..or dont want it..and end up just throwing it away..and i know better..i do..and its just frustrating ...

for the past week i have had massive stomach issues..everything i would eat would leave me feeling very sick..and well going to the bathroom...and i guess in some ways its still going on..but last week was exceptionally bad and i felt horribly..but im feeling more normal this week..but this week im feeling more bloated..and just in general kinda having a nasty outlook..body wise..and i dont know how to make the bloated feeling go away..and maybe all of this is driving and well enhancing my food issues...i dont know..maybe its just i know ive gained a lot of weight and its just bothering me that im not working harder to lose and all of that ..i mean some days i wonder if i want to lose weight at all...i think ive gotten just so so comfortable being fat..that im not able to consider being any other way..being fat i guess protects me in a way..because i know no one is interested in me..that no one will look twice at me..and i dont have to worry about socializing or dating or being touched or any of that stuff..and so it is a comfort i guess..and one that has worked well..well being quiet has helped that along to..but really its like ive have destroyed my body..my mind is well on the way to being destroyed..and i dont feel that ill ever be 'normal' cas im so screwed up..but its just ive managed to find all these ways and things that protect me..because that was all i knew...and now im trying to work on them all and to feel better..and get better and i cant do it...im afraid to change..and be different..and become someone that im not...but not changing is slowly killing me in every way possible..so its pretty much a lose-lose situation..and ive worked it out so well and gotten it so concrete..thats its impossible almost to change any of it..

and so again..im just setting myself up to fail..and maybe thats why im feeling so suicidal lately..because i believe that i cant do this..i cant change..it will kill me..and so i do things to sabotage myself..to make sure i mess up..to push away my therapist..so that she doesnt have to deal with me..to push everyone away so that no one will know exactly what it is im doing..god how many times a day am i asked how i am? and i say im fine with a smile and people move on..if i said it was a crappy day and i was feeling suicidal no one would know how to manage me..but i dont need anyone managing me..i can manage myself...but im keeping myself alone in the worst way arent i...trying to be so separate..trying to not need any help...trying to find a way to die that just wont be noticed..but i go to therapy and hope that my therapist will some how figure it all out and save me..but im just not sure i even want to be saved anymore...i go and hope but i keep failing ..so im not sure about anything anymore..

today...i accepted help...

well about halfway through the week..the issue of my car came up and what i could or couldnt do about it..and she started talking to me about how she and her husband had some extra money that there inlaws had told them to like donate to the church..but umm long story short..they told me that i could bring my car up to there house today and they would work out something for my tires and my brakes...which you know freaked me out..because to me thats like excepting handouts or something..and i cant seem to suck up my pride and let it go when i need to..and i was ready to refuse..i was ready to tell her no on all of it..even though i knew good and well my brakes were bad and my tires to..and i wasnt going to accept the help they were offering...and so i thought about it for like a day..before telling her i would accept the offer..and that i would bring my car..and even then i had to keep convincing myself that it was ok and that i was making the right choice...and so today i took my car and her husband changed all of my brake pads..and got my 2 new front tires...cas mine were awful..and refilled up my gas tank..and i didnt have to pay for any of it..and i think thats the most shocking part..that they paid for it all and im sure it had to have been a couple hundred ..if not more..i didnt ask..and they didnt offer..but its done with..i drove my car home and didnt feel panicked at all about driving it and about breaking down...my brakes dont grind anymore! it was an awesome feeling..and i thanked her and her husband a million times and told them that i do appreciate what they have done..and i mean that completely..

because in the past month..my friends have really helped me out..and each time its been in ways that i havent asked for..and even though i have felt so hopeless and lost and confused..and well just in general not great..they still keep talking to me and trying to help ..and not always with money..because well everyone is struggling and im just one in millions..and yeah..sometimes just listening is enough..and i know in the past couple months all ive done is complain..and whine and moan and all that about whats going on for me..and it has been a really hard couple months..and im hoping that that time will be over soon..i really really am..and i keep reminding myself that soon ill be getting paid again and my hours will start adding up and ill have money again..and can catch up again..and all of that..i know though that with my jobs now..i have to take it week by week ..and just deal with it..but i can do this..i can..

but on to other news..im feb of next year im very possibly going to fla..for a vacation type thing and a conference on dissociation..and it is very exciting..well i think going to fla is the most exciting part lol..because well im trying to figure out a way to go to at least one park..and well trying to figure out all the money that will involve..and all of that..and if i start saving now..i think it can and will work oout...and that will be so so awesome..but it is nice having something to look forward too...

and well my birthday is in like 3 weeks..and i dont know if im actually doing anything..a friend at work invited me to hang out with her sorta on my birthday..and i know i have to work part of my birthday..but as for doing anything..im not real sure about that..so i dont know ..still figuring out that one..

im still kinda putting off all of my work for therapy..im trying not to think about it..and then i think about it to much and it scares me ...and i think tonight ill pick one thing to kinda write about for her to read..and just see what happens...

essh ...

why is it so hard for me to accept help ?

already today i want to crry because a friend is doing something very very nice and helpful for me...and all i can think about is that it involves money and i want to refuse it...i dont wawnt to accept that i need help..i dont want to need help..and i think i would almost rather struggle and freak out and panic and all sorts of that stuff instead of just saying ok.please help me..yesterday i refused at first to let a coworker loan me a little bit of money..i felt so guilty and upset about it..i didnt want to do it..i didnt want to need it..and it took a lot to get me to admit that i was pretty much out of money and needed the help..i didnt ask..for some reason its important for me to point that out..i did not ask for it..she offered..and that makes it only slightly better..and then last night..i was talking with a friend about my car and how it is freaking me out..cas its sounding weird..and making a grinding noise and i know my tires are crap riight now..and im just scared something is going to happen ..every time i get into my car...and later on she told me that she and her husband could possibly help me out with it..help me out enough to buy a little more time so that i could afford to get it woroked on if needed later..ifs its more than just the brakes and tires...and i have a 6 yr old riding around in the car with me...i need to make sure my car is safe..i know i need the help because really i was looking at paying for my car or for my rent..but i couldnt do both..it was one or the other..and it would have been the rent check that would have bounced..but i need my car to work..and well i need to pay rent so i have a place to live..and its all a mess and confusing..and i asked for some time to think about it you know.. and im still thinking about it and .. im still resisting it so much...but i know that i need to accept it..but why does accepting it make me feel like a failure ?

Inadequate..

lately i know i have had a lot of stuff going on..and a lot to deal with as my therapist told me today..and i am feeling stressed and out of sorts and all of that..but i just feel so unable to be supportive of anyone else and that makes me feel really bad...like i ask and ask for support..or i guess i imply that i need support and then i cant return it to anyone..i manage to give little bits of support but i just cant process anyone elses stuff..and its bothering me i guess..because its my friends who are struggling and i read whats going on with them and i just cant seem to come up with anything at all to say..i dont know how to make it better..and i want to make it better..

i guess this is coming out now because well therapy today was hard and disappointing and frustrating..im still not talking about what i need to talk about and its really bothering me..its really ..i dont know i just cant seem to figure it out and i keep fighting her and shutting down and pretending..always pretending..and i dont know how to get myself to stop..i dont know how to figure out how to get the words out without freaking out and trying to kill myself or something...im stuck..and i guess i know why im stuck but i cant figure out how to tell my therapist the reasons why im feeling so stuck..and i just end up feeling so frustrated ...and i hate it all..and i dont know what to do...

there is a lot more to say on all of this but now isnt the time...

not feeling good..

im trying to take it slow tonight..not feeling good and kkeep getting sick..and just feeling weak and not good and queasy..the queasy feeling has been there all day and i thought at first that it would go away..but this evening ..ugh ..it just wasnt a good evening and i started to feel really sick while working and just needed to get home..didnt work out quite as good as i would have hoped ..but umm yeah...ill just leave it at it hasnt been a good evening and i just need to clean up and all that .but i just want to lay down and sleep cas i feel like throwing up and all other aspects of being sick to my stomach..i just want to sleep..and my body hurts..

a lot of worrying

feeling a bit flighty and distracted tonight...just got off the phone with mommy so maybe thats way...

all that paperwork that i said i was going to do ahead of time..havent done..but im not to worried about it ..cas well i know it will get done... but being out and running around all day makes me so so very tired ...like i get home and i dont feel like i can do anything..even though i plan to do stuff..i just come home and lay down and try not to fall asleep to early..

trying to figure out money for the weekend..well more so for gas and groceries and such..you know until the past couple months i really never realized how much i go to the store just for little stuff..and now im stuck planning out trips to the store and all of that..ugh...im hoping and hoping for October to hurry up and get here...when things will be just a little bit easier..money wise...you know now that my sisters birthday is over ..im starting to stress about my birthday..and i have to keep reminding myself that i dont have money and actually have to work anyway so its not going to be a big deal..but that makes me sad and upset..cas well kinda wanted to do something fun and now i dont have the money for anything..and i guess its just all around disappointing..so trying not to think about it...maybe by then will have a little bit of money to spend on something a little bit fun..but i dont know..not really counting on it..but just trying to keep it together..cas i guess im starting to feel overwhelmed with the month ending soon..and well bills needing to be paid and all that..and yeah..its starting to wear on me and im worried about it all again...and yeah this week will make things so much easier and more manageable if my weeks kinda stay like this..work wise..but that still means getting through half of september..and mommy constantly asking how much im going to make and how much im working and all that she is giving me is really just bothering me too.. everything is well bothering me..and mommy is giving me a little bit of spending money tomorrow..and my car is sounding weird and its really bothering me a lot be cause i think its my brakes and i dont have the money to get it checked or fixed and im praying that my car will just last a few more weeks and i swear ill take it to get new tires and everything..i really will..but i just need a little more time...and i got the first part of my bill for t and just like i was thinking its almost at $400...:( and yeah...have i mentioned im feeling overwhelmed?! because there is actually a lot of car stuff i need to get done that i cant get done yet..and i need to plan a trip to nc to get some of it done and i cant cas i dont have the money..but im going to need my sticker thing for my car soon..and yeah if i get pulled for anything ill be in trouble..cas my sticker will be out of date at the end of this month..you know yesterday was the first time ive actually turned off the air conditioning in the apartment since like may?! and its not super hot in the apartment and its been kinda cool outside the past couple days because of all the rain..and well im trying to start cutting down the electric bill cas its late..and umm yeah .. just a lot that im thinking about tonight..

quote

A cool quote from the end of Meet the Robinsons:

Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long.
We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.
- Walt Disney

..well

well darn....

i got an email today..from a job a applied for like in june! and they said they had been trying to reach my but of course i dont have my old number anymore and so they emailed me! and its crazy ... they have gone through a lot of trouble trying to reach me..but i have to turn down the interview anyway..

and then tonight i went to work and well they were sick..like the kid was 'off' and i spent most of my time just reading stories to him..but then right when i was leaving he started getting sick and it was gross..and then i felt sick..and am still hoping that whatever bug is in there house i dont get cas that would be not so good!

and then on the way home i get a call from one of the other counselors and he tells me that we are working on a case together..and ive heard nothing about this!! so im just like umm ok..but im assuming ill be getting a call about it tomorrow..and so im already trying to figure out hours and all that..and yeah..i go from nothing to almost to much all at once..go figure..and so im suddenly almost at full time for one place and soon to be half time at the other place..but im trying to stay positive..essh..trying ..yeah thats the important thing..

so trying to stay on top of paperwork and all that kinda stuff and means i gotta start going to bed on time..cas my day is gonna be starting at 9 but gotta be up at 7..and fun.. really gotta stay on top of things...but yeah..will see how that goes!..but just feeling overwhelmed and umm kinda not at the same time..i dont know.. i mean being so busy today and having to do so much stuff made me not think about old stuff..and scary stuff and thats good..but yeah..dont go extreme with it..i know..

mini rant

with my jobs im being as patient as i can be...like with waiting for clients and stuff..and im just kinda coming to terms with the fact that it will take some time and all of that..and you know i can deal with that. like when im having a day like today when im not feeling so stressed about it i can deal with it lol..and like im never mad at the jobs..i get mad at everything else but not the jobs...go figure..so i know ill get there but just trying to be patient and deal with the fact that my first checks next month will pretty much suck..and mommy doesnt want to loan me any more money :( cas she keeps mentioning that she hopes my checks will cover rent..and ive already told her twice that i know i wont have all the money for rent..she knows this.. and that makes me feel so stuck..because if i cant get it from her then i dont know what ill do..and im not even gonna get into the other bills that im just not able to pay and yeah..its just hard..and disappointing..but i try to remind myself that i am working..even though im not seeing much in the way of pay right now...but soon that will change..gosh i hope it will change..

so guess thats my rant for today..

just want to give up

how is it that i just keep fooling myself into thinking that im ok and that things are great and manageable and all that when its not..its so far from being ok that i dont even know how to describe it anymore..i dont think i can describe it. its just i woke up this morning feeling so so bad..so tired of just everything..im not sleepy..im tired..my body feels like if i just stop moving and thinking it will just cave and be nothing anymore..im tearful because i have to work today and all i want to do is just lay down and not deal with anything..thats all i want...i dont want to talk to anyone and i dont want to deal with or think about anything..i want to just give up...call it quits..go away.. i dont want to see t tomorrow.. i dont want to have to talk to the pdoc cas the meds arent working enough to keep me in neutral..i just want to pull it together enough to make it to work and thats all i want this week..i just want it all to just stop and leave me alone.. i just... i just dont know what to do..

just....

not really sure what to even say anymore..cas it just feels like its the same stuff over and over and over and its tiring and wears me out..just feeling so sad and dejected tonight..and i really dont know why..havent done much of anything today you know..just reading and watching tv and well i did laundry but thats not thrilling or worrisome..but the overwhelming feeling is just sad..well depressed be cause its not just feeling sad..ugh..i dont know :(

proper nutrition?

the past couple weeks ive been really struggling with food and all of that...ive made some bad choices and have been binging a lot this past week...but i knew what i was doing..and i just didnt care you know..i wanted food and i had money and that was it..i just wanted everything and couldnt seem to get enough at all..no matter what i ate i just wanted more..and the worse it was the better..and i would eat and feel just horrible you know...i just couldnt seem to get a handle on it and i couldnt figure out how to make myself stop and it was just bad ... but since umm last weekend i think when i was considering being a vegetarian again ive been going up and down with food..some times i hate and cant stand eating.and then i just want food and i want to just keep eating...the thoughts to purge are there but i havent acted on them at all..its been months since ive purged..i meean i think ive done it maybe twice in the past like 10 months..but i think it was thursday that i was starting to feel upset and annoyed at myself for how ive been eating..that is when i realized that im screwing up things even more than they need to be screwed up and i needed to stop...and i guess friday night was the last straw..like i got fast food for dinner and felt so so very horrible about myself and my choices that i just got caught up in negative thinking and well thinking bad things..and all of that..because i know better...i know that my bp is threw the roof right now and that i just am going to kill myself either way if i dont start eating healthier .. and i know that last week i was thinking that using not eating meat as a way to stop eating altogether..and i know that isnt good and i know its a bad choice and all but the thoughts are still there you know...i get so caught up thinking that i just want to stop eating and that i need to count calories and all of that...all day i think of calories but im not going overboard yet..im not counting everything i eat but im am kinda estimating i guess..im already constantly thinking about what my next meal will be..i have to plan..i have to stick to the plan...i cant waste food and so everything has to count ..and well i dont have money to go and like buy a million different things..but i can tell it is just going to get more and more strict..i think about how things were before and how much i easier it was before to control what i ate or didnt eat or purged...maybe i care more now..but even if i care i can make myself suffer just as easily..im hungry and i refuse to let myself eat unless its time to eat..i know that going down to 1000 calories counts as starving..and im not doing that..i know that skipping meals makes my body think its starving and that it will store fat..i am doing that though..i skip meals throughout the day and then get so so hungry that i cant control myself..so im trying to make sure i eat throughout the day..little snacks...but still i trying i guess to keep a handle on things but it feels so hard and overwhelming right now...im just keeping a food journal now in a different blog..so i can i guess make sure that i am eating ..and all that..

cant believe how anxious i am ... with being in the apartment alone..yvonne left for good today.. :(

ugh

not feeling good at all...really having issues with my sinuses and its making me cough and sneeze and my nose is runny big time...i just feel crummy in general...crashed big time yesterday afternoon..al i did was work on paperwork stuff a little bit in the morning..and then had therapy..and wandered around town a bit..and then came home and slept all afternoon! i woke up at 7:30 and i think i had been sleep since like 3...i was really out of it and tired im guessing yesterday..need to go and get some meds today.. but just kinda feeling really crummy...

and theres a lot of little things that i need to do today..and i need to stay focused and actually get it all done..when all i want to do is just go to bed..

excited..

ok so i said that i had a meeting with one of my jobs today with the director person..and i went and was hoping big time that i wasnt about to lose my job or something...and it was the complete opposite! i was asked to work within the headstart program..i have 9 classrooms at 5 different schools!! and im the only one working it..there will be the people in charge and then me and im the one getting to go to all the classes and meet all the kids and all of that! it is exciting..its new and i was asked to work it..and my supervisor and director both said that they thought i would be a good fit for it and that they were happy i accepted.. it surprised the heck out of me..cas of course i dont think i do a stand out job with anything and i just manage..but the director said she wanted me specifically cas of my past experiences!!

-sigh-

slept alright last night...have got to stop falling asleep and leaving the computer on my bed..ugh..

for as much as i wanted monday to get here..im tired lol...something about monday just makes me tired! anxiety is up already cas yvonne is here and going up inthe the attic and stuff..and moving stuff..and i feel the need to just get dressed and leave earlier than usual because i am feeling so anxious...and the earlier i leave then i can put dusti and bounce in my room so i know that bounce doesnt get out while the movers are here..so yeah i should prolly get going..and moving...

i was thinking last night..that im not sure the meds are working :( and i know why arent the way to fix everything..but just the bad thoughts are getting in..and i want my old meds where they couldnt get in and i wasnt feeling so bad all the time :(

maybe ill talk about it with t tomorrow...

guess i need to write whats actually going on...

i had been watching a movie on lifetime..i know i know! but before that i had been watching svu..and then i watched a movie on hallmark..and the movie on hallmark was one i could relate to a lot and at one point i tried finding something else to watch on tv and couldnt..and so i watched the movie..and i just hate how everything just works out for them on tv and in movies..and they are all safe and happy and protected and all that and its not fair :'( how much i wish life could be like that really hurts..and i know its not true..but it seems like it is so so much..its just not fair :(

ive really struggled this weekend..i dont know why.but the sad overwhelming thoughts are just overwhelming..and i just feel so trapped and alone..i dont know..it took a lot for me to realize yesterday that i was feeling suicidal again..i dont want to be suicidal..i really dont ..but it keeps happening and i dont know what to do about it..guess ill have to talk to linda about it..but i dont want to do that either..cas she will worry again..but i really dont know what to do..

yvonne is leaving this week...the moving truck is coming tomorrow morning..finally..and it sucks cas shes not even getting all her stuff this time around..and so next month at some point and it started out with that ggreg was going to be moving stuff in and having a key and all that..and i told her that i wasnt ok with that at all..because i wasnt..i wasnt making it up or trying to be difficult..but yvonne was pushing to far and making all these plans and then telling me what im going to do..and i dont like that .. and so we had a talk..and i stood my ground..and greg will not have a key..and i hope yvonne doesnt lie about that..she did a lot of apologizing and all that...she made it all about her again..and i just listened and didnt react to anything she said..i said what i had to say and that was the end of it for me..i really just want her to go..i need my space back..i need time alone..and i say that and know that i am feeling very suicidal..and i suddenly dont think the meds are really working..-sigh- it just all makes me so tired..and i guess im just feeling disappointed and let down with everything..

depressed

feeling very depressed tonight...thoughts are confusing and sad and i dont know what im doing...

....

its been a pretty bad couple days

:(

today has turned into a very not so good day :(
im going to bed

apartment wonderings ..

work was fast today..the lady had to go to court and i wasnt going so i just kinda ended up stopping by and not really staying.. and so instead i spent my morning running errands and getting rent paid...i talked to the rent office and she was explaining you know what i would need to do inorder to transfer into a one bed room...and she did let me know that i would be october before i could move..the end of October..cas apartments wouldnt be opening up until oct 15th or so...and that i would just have to redo the paperwork and pay $150 as a holding fee...and that the 150 would then be applied to one months rent...the issue i guess is that the rent on the one bedroom is 675 - 690..and my rent now is 770...and i know i could find a place thats cheaper than that..but then with the security deposit and pet fees and application fees and all that..im not sure its worth it..but i just consider that tto be a lot of money for a 1 bed room...but then staying keeps me in a place where im comfortable and all that..but im really considering if its worth it to move or to just keep the 2 bed room..or go ahead and transfer to the one bed room..cas also there will be other fees added and i can almost guarantee that in the end my rent for the one bedroom would run between 730 - 750 and i cant decide....really am trying to think it threw cas i need to figure it out..and its just going around in my head and i cant seem to make headway....all logical and realistic thinking goes to staying in the 2bedroom and just figuring out a way to pay rent...it will be more money going to the one bedroom once i add in like moving and all that..and well i dont want to pack..that would be a huge plus...and once yvonne has her stuff out we can start redecorating and moving stuff around..and get the carpet cleaned and all that..
but dont know..its hard to decide when i dont know about my paychecks and all of that..
ugh so much to think about..

just for fun

20 random things about me :) i know its gonna be so interesting !

1. I like to cook and try out different recipes
2. My 2 cats are my world
3. I am a counselor...(in the real world/job wise)
4. I like hiking and plan at some point to go back to living in the mountains
5. I hate to drive
6. I love traveling and plan to go to New Zealand, New York (still in the works :P but unfortunately not this year), and Alaska at some point
7. I hate the summer and hot weather
8. I love going to the movies and would live at a theater if it was possible
9. I have no sense when it comes to shoes and cant understand why sneakers aren't considered professional shoes!
10. I like organizing and planning things...but I have trouble implementing the things i plan!
11. I work better under a deadline,,otherwise it may not get done
12. I tend to always appear calm, cool, and collected
13. I am easily entertained, and can find almost anything funny
14. I don't like jewelry
15. Compliments embarrass me
16. Sometimes I can go days without talking to anyone at all
17. I am very materialistic..which I fully admit..I always want more
18. I love anything purple
19. I love reading
20. I hold grudges...big time

i just keep messing up

yeah im pretty sure i was ignoring everything yesterday evening...just got overwhelmed and upset and very very angry..didnt realize what had gone on bothered me so much but as the day went on it just got worse and mommy yelling at me about it didnt make me feel any better at all...so i went to the meeting and well i did forget everything mommy had told me to say the night before..and so i went and told the truth and all that..and all it got me was more forms to fill out before my case can even finish being processed..no i really dont want to get my job to sign the papers the social services place gave me..and no i dont want to go and talk to my old supervisor and have her sign anything for me..and i just got so upset because thats a bit much and i dont need them ..anyone knowing that i cant even afford food...and because i got my last check in july when i filed ..my case is not able to be sped up..they have up to 30 days to make a decision :( and so yeah..i left there upset..and called mommy and she got mad at me for not lying and yelled at me..and that sent me away and i just wanted to cut pretty much..and just wasnt interested in anything at all..considered not completing the forms and just not getting food stamps...i mean theres still a chance i wont be approved anyway..but i dont know what to do...i was going to see about asking my supervisor today if she could just write me a little note that says i work there and will be getting a paycheck in sept..but i dont know really..thankfully i found the termination letter from my old job..so i dont have to go there..and then theres one for mommy cas she loaned me money..and yeah...its just stupid and i messed up..and i cant do anything right at all..mommy told me not to say half of the stuff i did..and i still said it..cas i was stupid and forgot what she told me...:( i just cant do anything right..

so im feeling a bit stuck right now..and still upset..and im no longer hoping for anything at all..

but after all that mess..i had to still go to my staff meeting..which lasted for ever..but it was fine cas i did ask to come to the later one..but i did get some answers to my questions..and all that ..which was helpful..and then i guess i was ok during the meeting..and then i left and started to go home and just went down hill really fast...did some not so great things last night i guess..but oh well..i didnt care..and im not sure i care now..but i didnt hurt myself or anything..just didn't make the greatest choices..and what not..but thankfully went to bed as early as possible...

well whats up....

today is turning into a better day than i thought it would be..im getting ready to go and see the lady at the dept of social services..and im trying hard to be positive and have a good outlook about it...its not shameful to need help..and i can see that today...i can..its every other day that i question it big time..blah but for right now im trying and all that..cas i do need help and a lot of it..and ive just been thinking about how ive been treating linda and shutting down with her and i need to stop doing that too cas she is just trying to help also..

i can safely pay my rent..and so i wont be evicted..but now im fighting with all my other bills to figure out how to get them paid and all that..trying to remember that i just need to keep waiting and keep holding on to the fact that i will be getting paid in sept..and that if i just keep working and trying things will work out...you know i saw my old supervisor last week and like i told her things were stressful with money and stuff and jobs and all that..and she told me that she hope things got better for me..and i thanked her and all that..but i realized later that what she said meant absolutely nothing..its like she was just saying it to say it and have it out there..but she didn't care..and i realize that my first impression of her was right..i didnt like her..i tried though you know..i gave her every chance i could and i managed..but looking back..no i dont think i really liked her at all..but thats over and done with now...its as if i never worked there you know..and its sad..but i need to move on and i cant keep holding on to that..i need to let it go...

and i am..i mean i have two jobs know..and it will take careful careful planning and time management skills to keep both for a while..but im willing to do that..cas technically with both i am doing part time right now..and so it equals to two checks ..well four checks next month..and i need the money..i do..but if it gets to be super stressful and confusing i know that ill have to pick and choose..which i dont want to do cas i like both places..but yeah..

you know maybe i can deal with this..all of it..maybe i can manage enough to keep getting by and struggling and trying and all that and not break down or do anything stupid...i realized today during my morning staff meeting that i need to be a better example for the kids im working with..cas my wrist is peeling horribly from the recent cuts..and since ive lost my bracelet i dont have a way to keep it covered..and i cant say ive been trying that hard..but i realize that some people prolly can look at my arm and know that i cut..or have cut in the past..and these are people that i work with..who trust me to be at my best to go and work with the clients..and all i think about is the scars that im hiding..the scars that still hurt..how in the world can i go and counsel kids who are struggling when im struggling right along with them? and i guess the deciding factor would be whether or not ive stopped..whether or not im getting help..i dont want to be struggling with the cutting and all the other stuff for the rest of my life..i dont..and that means stopping..seriously stopping and using my coping skills and god forbid talking to linda about whats going on..and letting her help me..i have to let her help me..i dont know why ive been pushing her away.but i have..and i think that i need to get a handle on my anger and all of that..i think a lot of it has to do with feeling so ashamed of needing the help and well help with everything and not being able to afford it..not having money makes me feel like im not good enough..like i dont work hard enough..and well darn this meeting today is like the icing on the cake of not good enough..but im going..i need the help..im trying to positive about it even though its killing me...and i hate it..and i loathe to even walk into the department of social services..and its not that im thinking im better than everyone..its not..its just i hate the fact that i need help..and that i cant afford food, or my medicine or bills..its not supposed to be like this you know..its not..and i read that and i feel so stupid..cas i know im not entitled to anything..and that i have to work just like everyone else for things..but the department of social services has such a negative light..i cant stand it..i keep wondering if i would have been able to manage working there..i keep thinking that i could have worked there..and had to work with people who are struggling and scared and lost and i dont know if i could handle it...linda told me that theres nothing to be ashamed of..she told me that because im having to go through all this and because i have done it then ill be able to understand the families i work with who are dealing with it..and struggling and all of that..and yeah i can...and it still sucks..its sad and depressing and i hate it...but all that being said..im going..whether i want to or not im going..and i guess ill just have to see what happens

well

cleaning has turned into rearranging my room...this will make for an interesting day!! but at least im actually doing something and trying to keep myself busy...kinda