super cute bounce :)

no more therapy

hmm so im trying to be realistic..i am...and im realizing that realistically i may not be able to go back to therapy after a couple weeks and i wont be able to see the pdoc either. i see the pdoc thursday and im worried about telling her that im losing my insurance..linda already knows..but the pdoc doesnt..and we will have to talk about meds..and that is really worrying me..all of it is pretty much worrying me..because even if i get this job..benefits dont come in for 3 months! and that wouldnt be until like october..i have no idea how ill manage all that time without therapy..and if i cant cover meds i really dont know what ill do ... ive read that the withdrawl from effexor is awful :( and i already know that even missing a day on the lexapro leaves me feeling not okay...and yeah..im not even sure i can afford to ask for a 3 month supply of each..cas all together for one month the meds are about 80..and so a three month supply would be about 240 or so..and as of right now i only have one check for july..and rent and car stuff has to get paid..and there wont be much left over...crap crap double crap...i hate all this..and i dont know if ill even have enough time to talk about it with t tomorrow...

tired

well i actually completed my goal and cleaned for 2 hours before stopping..but now im like so tired and worn out..i feel like ive been going all day and im just tired...and still have some things to do...but really we like got the floor clean in the kitchen and downstairs bathroom..and i just gotta get the dishes in the dishwasher before i go to bed tonight..and then i completely cleaned my room..closet included..and like swept and the vacuumed and mopped my room! bounce tried to help and like chased stuff out from other things and i got to throw them away lol..and then she sat in the litter box while i was cleaning it out lol..i still have to dust and do laundry but can do that later in the week..i was gonna go it tonight but energy was gone..but finally have a clean room. and feel like ive done something today.

and for some reason my legs are cramping a lot tonight..it stinks..and it was both legs at the same time and i could feel the muscles cramping..and ive even been drinking water today! i don't get it..maybe cause i was sweating a lot today..i dont know..but i hate getting them..they hurt so much :(

if i stop and think about things i get really nervous about tomorrow...still not sure what im wearing and super worried about well messing up or saying something wrong. the lady said its like a panel thing and that it will be with ppl already working in the field..and then i start thinking they are gonna ask me like super hard questions or something..but i do see linda before going ..and i always feel more together after seeing her..so im hoping that will help me get through the interview! i couldnt convince myself to try to change or cancel the appt..really kinda want to see her..so yeah i have those two things tomorrow..and im gonna try to go to the unemployment place on wed..and then i see the pdoc on thursday.. gosh i really need to write stuff down cas im forgetting things again..took me a couple days to remember i had pdoc this week..even though i know i talked about it last week..ugh really need to get a planner thingy..

hmmm wow still cant believe how tired i am tonight..

but yeah..think positive...gotta remember that

things are looking down

today..tonight..its just not good. the sad feelings are so overwhelming and it feels like im suffocating under all of them..i dont want to do anything at all but just lay here and stare at nothing at all..keep playing a repetitive game on facebook because i dont have to do anything but match colors over and over and it just leaves room for thoughts to run all over my head..its tiring and i hate how the mood is so back and forth right now..one minute ok and the next almost into wanting to cut or worse..its not fair..so much worrying and thinking and wondering..ive really messed up :( :( thats what my big conclusion is..that ive just screwed up big time and now im paying for it

things are looking up

this morning i got my sister to kinda help me with getting my resume up and running..my trial for office is up and its so annoying not being able to use word or anything..and so i got her to make a couple changes and what not. she sent it back to me and i emailed my resume to 3 different places today..and you know that was going to be my job searching for this week. cas i just couldnt get rid of the thoughts that i needed to apply for something..but anyway sent out my resume to 3 places..and seriously less than 3 hours later one of them called and asked to set up an interview! i was shocked..i wasnt expecting to hear back so quickly or at all..but the lady called me..and i have an interview with her on thursday afternoon. and benefits are included after 90 days...and i think i could manage to keep my insurance i have now for a couple months or so...but yeah..its surprising and it gives me a little confidence in myself..that maybe i havent screwed up big time..

but with that can the overload in my head cas there is obviously a lot to say about this..and the need to prepare and make a good impression..which i cant do alone it seems... gosh i hope my hours will be a bit more normal...but im not getting overly exccited..i know this is just an interview..but i will try my hardest..and check out the place and everything..

well on to other things..
i finally got up and showered after being in bed all day..and well i went to the grocery store and picked up stuff for dinner...im making twice baked potatoes and baked chicken and corn on the cob :) ..tomorrow i plan to run errands..and what not..i need to get some things and pay a couple bills and all that..but really going to chill out ...

it doesnt feel like the world is going to end today. it really doesnt

nervous ...unemployment

well darn..i paid a bit more attention to the unemployment site tonight..and completely filed my claim .. like the entire thing..and i have the confirmation number and everything! and now i just wait i guess and see what is decided..but im nervous already...i mean i told the truth about why i was fired but of course now im worried about it..and wondering if i shouldnt have told the truth..but if they call and ask my job they would find out anyway..and my job said of course things would be kept confidential..but i was fired and the unemployment paperwork asked what happened...ooh i hope i didnt do something wrong

i cant do this

hi
things have been quiet today. didnt go out and ive just been tired. couldnt sleep last nght and i think i just kinda fell asleep sometime after 1am..and then i woke up at 7:30 and then took a nap for a couple hours a little while ago. i dont really know how im feeling..i dont think im really feeling anything anymore.. :box the pass couple nights been taking two of the sleep meds and still i cant sleep..:(


i am going back home on sunday..or early monday morning..just missing my space and my stuff and dusti and bounce. im nervous about leaving my sister though..cas here she is always around you know..and always checking on me..and when i go back to the apartment it will just be me..and well im afraid to be by myself i guess in some ways.

im struggling to even get words out right now..i better go :(

things kinda suck

i came to nias yesterday...she told me i needed to come and i didnt have any better ideas so i came..and it has been a distraction..but she can only be with me so much..and tonight i am feeling sad and depressed...very sad and depressed..i dont know what to do ..i know i said that i want to take a break from everything..you know..and i can do that here at nias..but the thoughts gone stop...im still thinking about the girls..about my job..about how empty my days are right now..i dont have work to worry about ..but i have every thing else to worry about ..and im stressed and not stressed all at the same time..i cant deal with looking for another job right now..and im trying to be ok with that..nia has been talking to me about jobs and school and umemployment..and its all overwhelming..but you know i know she is trying to help and she keeps it to a minimum ..but i know she is thinking about it as much as i am..and mommy is thinking about it...and im trying to move on and be brave and just let it go..but its hard..i hate it..i really do..just still at a lose..still struggling...still hurt and upset :(

the worst thing that did happen

i was fired...i made a mistake..and didnt think through giving my keys to one of the kids..and i lost my job over it..

i feel stupid..and sad..very very sad..all ive done is cry for the last 2 hours..
i wasnt allowed to say goodbye to the girls..they will think i abandoned them :'( :'( i managed to call nia and t..well t asked me to call her and let her know what happened either way..but just called my sister to call her i guess..and she told me to come to her house..and im not completely sure about it.but i think i am going. being alone is not good. all im doing is crying and having lots of really really bad thoughts. i dont know how im gonna manage anything right now..i dont feel like i can do anything but lay down and cry right now..im not allowed to go back to my job at all.. i had to give back my keys before i left..and ive already been locked out of my job email..i cant go back there at all..i guess i better start getting stuff ready so i can leave...

stupid stupid me

im ready to cry right now..am so overwhelmed and scared and worried..my supervisor tells me that she and one of the program directors need to talk to me tomorrow..and she said they had some concerns from the weekend..and i asked what it was about and she just told me that i needed to be there at 11 tomorrow..and i kept asking what i had done and she just kept shaking her head and told me that i would find out tomorrow :( what the hell?! i really for the life of me dont know what has concerned them..and im trying to think back to wait happened over the weekend and yeah i have a few things that could possibly be what its about but i just dont know..and the worry is killing me..i would have rather just have done it all today so that i wouldnt worry..but now they are making me wait..and i could very well go to work tomorrow and end up losing my job and what them ?! i have already gotten one strike against me from months ago..and what ever this is will be strike two..and ill be right back to proving that i can do my job or whatever..but i dont know..i really dont..maybe im not cut out for this type of work..and maybe i just need tof ind something else..and maybe im just thinking the worse right now and i cant help it..im trying to be rational and sane and its not working..im ready to be told t hat im fired..just like that..i mean it all sucks...and its so upsetting and frustrating and im mad...so so so mad because ive screwed up again..and im assuming heavily that my job is on the line again...and some how ill just keep messing up and this will be one more failure to add to the long list i have already ... i just need to go and hide and forget i exist

bordering on being very depressed

i am tired.
last night the overnight ppl were both late. i didnt even get to leave until after midnight. because we had to wait, because the kids could not be alone. iand it didnt help anything that i was just so tired and out of focus..driving home last night was scary. it is frustrating because of leaving so late and having to turn around and go back in the morning. im supposed to be there in a half an hour but the overnight said i could come in late. so i have maybe an hour or so, but i dont have any desire to get up and get ready for work. i want to stay in bed and sleep or do nothing, and have absolutely no one say my name. I dont get off tonight until 11 again and i have to be at work at 9 tomorrow for training. it makes me want to scream in frustration. it really does. right this minute i could care less about how much overtime i was getting. i really dont care. because i have to be at work almost all week again and it is hard when im so stressed out and anxious.

yesterday while at work i worked on my final exam for the class im in and i was stressing about it big time..like i was positive i was going to fail and like lose my job..not even joking..i wasnt understanding the questions and i was just freaking out...but i manged to get it done..and i had one of the girls helping me get the answers online last night lol..but i finished it and sent it in on time..and i got an email this morning and i only missed one question :o .. it made me happy and took off some of the stress i was feeling.

but i guess im going to get something to get and then get ready for work...

im just tired...very very tired

completely out of my comfort zone

so i have talked with t alot about you know getting out more and meeting new people and all of that..and i have lots of issues around that..cas im so quiet and its so hard for me to talk...

but the other day i was messing around on craigslist..and ran into this meetup site..and it has all sorts of meetup groups about all sorts of different interests and things...and i happened to find one for umm depression/bipolar/anxiety and joined it..and there was a meeting tonight, like a support group type thing and i actually went! barely said a word but i stayed the entire time and just kinda listened ..and ended up frustrated because i could understand and relate to a lot that was being said..but i couldnt talk :blink: well i couldnt get the words to come out..but the ppl were very nice..and tried to make me feel comfortable lol..but well me being me..that wasnt happening tonight..

but well i think im gonna go again..the meetings are every week but i can only go every other week because of work..but i really think i want to go again..

and hopefully the more i go the more at ease ill feel..cas goodness my anxiety was through the roof ..and i was fidgeting all over the place !

...

its not often i hate work

but today i did..i hated them all.. -sigh- ok not all of them..but a select few had me wanting to just go home and say forget it..i was stressed and anxious and ugh..

a bit nervous

so i was thinking today about another trip i want to take..well not a trip really its like a conference thing and its next feb ..and a friend i know online and in person is going ..and i told her that i would like to go also..cas its right at disney world and im sorry but i can not pass up a trip to anywhere near disney world lol..but i told her and i have been thinking about it since yesterday and wondering if it was a good idea..and if i should go..and all that..and once i decided to go i immediatly started to worry what mommy would say or if i would tell her...this is the first time i have ever ever in my whole life started doing things that i want to do..and started to i guess have some say in my life and where its going and suddenly that is super duper scary..im nervous about it..and i know that what im doing its mommys concern at all and that i can pick where i want to go or not go and she cant tell me yes or no..but still the worry is there..i think i want her approval..i guess..but i dont need it..and i guess thats the biggest difference right now..

and maybe seeing linda and having her tell me in the past couple weeks that i am doing a lot of stuff that im not giving myself credit for or accepting..and its hard to acknowledge the good stuff..but i guess she is right..i am doing stuff..im starting to do stuff..and it is different and nerve wrecking..big time..

guess i still have a lot to get used too!

Bounce :) :)

dentist

well made it through the dentist yesterday...crashed completely after the dentist appt...like went and the power was out you know..at the dentist office..and then like the xray machine wouldnt work right cas i was to tall..go figure...but then that worked and kinda started spazzing having so many ppl touching me..and messing with my mouth..but saw the doc..and found out that all my wisdom teeth have come in..and there is space for them..but a couple are being removed cas they have cavities..but that wont be until aug..and im going to be sedated..so worried about all that...and then it just so happened that they were able to do a teeth cleaning today too.,.like really the hygienist lady said she had an opening and i was there..and so agreed to stay and have it done...and the lady was nice but again..way to up close and personal :( almost 2 hours later i got to leave...and actually the doc said that all things considered my teeth are in good condition..and i mean i havent been to the dentist in forever! so that was cool..but then it was like i left and stopped at the pharmacy..and my energy went out the window..i was so hazy..like eyes going weird and everything was kinda hazy..and anxiety started to come and i really just wanted to go home and lay down..and i did make it home and talked to yvonne for a little bit..and then napped for a little while..and was more alert when i work up..but still kinda out of it..just worn out again..like i used up all my reserves of feeling okay to get through the dentist appt..and once i was done..i was done...but i went and its over with for now..thankfully..