yippee

i got through the work weekend without killing anyone...but today im just tired and worn out as usual..

but good news for today is that i got a new kitten :) she is tiny and gray and likes to jump.. i still havent figured out a name for her. but i will post a picture a little bit later. she is very cute. dusti is not very happy but as of now she has stopped hissing at the poor little thing. so im hoping that in time they will get along !

tomorrow i really have all of my appts and all on the same day..t..pdoc..and dentist..yuck yuck and double yuck..my wisdom teeth dont even hurt anymore..but i guess its better to go anyway and see if they will need to come out..but yeah..tomorrow is going to be busy! i dont think there will be any med changes tomorrow..i think im doing ok..but i dont know..will talk to the pdoc about it tomorrow.

i havent really decided what im going to do this weekend though..kinda want to go home just to get away from stuff and work and all that..but now with the new kitten it will be a little harder ..cas i dont know if yvonne will be around and the kitten will need to be watched .. but staying up here i know i wont do anything..but i dont really have the money to go home either..so frustrating..and i cant decide what i want to do..like i really want to get away..work killed me last week..but yeah..other stuff to consider..

there has been something ive been thinking about that mommy said to me that is really bothering me a lot..but im not sure how to write about it just yet..i thought i was ok with it ..but i keep thinking about it and worrying about it and so i guess it really is bothering me :( blah

oh i went and bought a umm mini grill and a weedeater thing today..and spent my afternoon getting rid of the weeds in the back patio area and it does look better..but goodness it was hard..harder this time than the first time i did it but i dont know why...but i figured it was things i needed you know..for the future too..yeah prolly shouldnt have spent the money ...but yeah..cant do anything about it now and i guess i am a little proud of myself for getting out there and actually doing it..i still have to set up the grill and all that..but i may wait on that..im not to interested in grilling out anymore lol..but i have it!

overwhelmed...

if anyone else says my name or asks me for anything i really think i may cry :( am just very very overwhelmed from worrk this weekend..its been way more stressful than usual and i feel all out of sorts..like just drained and worn out ..and i just want to sleep and sleep and sleep..im tired..im tired of hearing my name..and darn it im tired of everyone needing something from me every 5 seconds..

really feel the need to just disappear next week

small steps

welp i managed to find some motivation last night and actually cleaned my room. i can see the floor again and things are in order and that does make me feel calmer and more settled. i had just been putting it off and putting it off and finally just did it...and this morning ive been working on getting laundry worked on..and managed to get 2 loads finished and one half done.and now i just gotta work on sheets and stuff..and hopefully ill be caught up by next week! but now i gotta get ready for work..yay...NOT..but nah its not so bad

other randomness

i think the last med increase has helped chill out my anxiety...a lot..like im in neutral with almost everything..im not feeling stressed or on edge or anything..im just kinda chill all the time now..and sometimes it bothers me..and sometimes it doesnt..i mean goodness im on 150mg of effexor now..and i think it can only be raised one more time..but between that and the lexapro i think im managing..i mean im not suicidal and all that so i guess i am alright. but i see the psych doc next week so we will talk about it more then im guessing..the only real side effect is that im hot all the time..like really really hot and sweating..ugh its so gross..and i have such issues with controlling my body temp these days..but yeah..im guessing its manageable in the end..it could have been a lot worse side effect wise..im still kinda unmotivated at times..but when i know i have to go to work i can of course pull myself together and get things done..but when im off and stuff..i kinda just dont do anything..or it take forever for me to talk myself into getting out of the house and stuff..

i also have an appt to go to the dentist next week. to talk about my wisdom teeth..and i have to set up an appt for like the general teeth care..cas well i think ive screwed up one of my top teeth but im not sure..and my wisdom teeth dont hurt anymore..well the one that came in doesnt hurt anymore..but i cant tell if its pushed all the way out or not..so dentist is a good first step..next tuesday will be super busy!

im also getting a kitten next week..on monday...all ive decided on so far is her name lol..im naming her wednesday :) i think its so cute..i talked to nia about it this morning and she told me i should name the kitten lint! but nah lol..lint would be going a bit overboard since i already have dusti and her name is one of a kind :) but i am very excited about the kitten. i am talking to a lady who has some kittens she is planning on giving away and i hope it doesnt fall through! but i talked to my therapist about it to and she told me that she thought it was a good idea ! and that the kitten would keep me busy. i told mommy about it to and i told her that i would have to bring the kitten home with me if i was home over the holidays and stuff. and she said ok.

but yeah..i think..i guess things are alright in an overall since..things are still super weird with yvonne..so that one is really just kinda hard to manage i guess..and she is still leaving..but yeah

completely random sidenote..mommy told me i sounded happy the other day..weird!

goodness..so much is going on!

so i had a training yesterday on boundaries at work. and it was pretty interesting you know..i mean yeah they made the mistake of feeding us and then lecturing for 3 hours but hey you cant win them all lol. but yeah realized that my boundaries are better but there is still room for improvement. and for some reason my boundaries with the girls kinda depends on the girl. like i have that hugs me 2 or 3 times a day, and sometimes she just kinda stands next to me and i have my arm around her..and i get the feeling that she needs that connection you know..and i dont mind having her close to me or letting her hug me or something..but of course i never like go to them for hugs or anything..and then i have some that dont like hugs at all..and some that ask for hugs..and some that just kinda randomly touch my arm or something.. but i would never be like that with adults you know...its fine with the girls but not with anyone else really. but today i asked to be a goal buddy to one of the new girls..bcause both of the goal buddys i have now will be leaving soon..and i really find the new girl very likable..but the kid told me tonight that she was very happy that i was her goal buddy because i made her laugh and she liked me. and i guess it just made me feel needed..and wanted..and that is a nice thing. i also had another girl tell me she loved me today..completely innocent you know..and she told me to never forget that i was special..shocked me to say the least..because im not looking for stuff like that from these kids..i know they have there own stuff to deal with and i can only be there to help and support and teach..but some of them do surprise with with there sincerness at times.

hmm today has been..gosh today has been a day of nothingness...seriously..i got up..played online..did some stuff for mommy online, napped, watched tv, started laundry, and seriously thats been my day...i was so worn out this morning! it was not funny..well i fell asleep on the floor last night..and yvonne scared the crap out of me in the middle of the night..cas she was supposed to be out of town..but she left something and it was like 3 in the morning i just kinda get the feeling that someone is near me.and she is there and yeah..super creeped..but a little while after that i got up and went to bed..and then i got up this morning and just didnt have energy to do anything..and i know with this being my long week i have to prepare myself for working the weekend..but i guess i just feel like i should have done more or something..i dont know..

still feeling tired though..not completely ready for the weekend but it should be ok..im hoping it will be ok!

so whats going on...

well therapy and pdoc this week were helpful...meds went up again..and trying to deal with all that..feeling extra tired and im hoping that will pass quickly..seriously i think i may take a nap at work if im only with one girl..and then tonight im leaving straight from work to drive home..cas of henrys graduation..so yeah...

hmm trying hard to stay positive and focused.taking things a day at a time. but still really stressed out and anxious and just trying to hide it.

struggling ...just with everything

is it written somewhere that this is the month were everything possible has to happen?! have i somehow wronged the universe and this is all just payback for something that i screwed up and dont remember doing

:( my shift partner is leaving..she accepted a new job..and is putting in her two week notice today...im shocked and really wanting to cry about it .. we worked well together..we got along..im worried and scared..very worried

just feeling like things keep happening and its all out of control .. dont know what to do..feel very sad and unsafe and worried...stressed to the max right now about everything..and now yvonne isnt going with me this weekend and ill have to take that long drive by myself.and mommy is all worried . and shes asking if ill come home after the graduation and i cant decide anything. i odnt know what to say or do or anything right now. talked to the nurse at work today and she looked in my mouth and told me that teeth are coming in at the back..and so my wisdom teeth are coming in and it just hurts and its a pain eating and drinking or doing anything right now that involves face muscles..so have to go to the doc tomorrow. and have to go before t and pdoc tomorrow and that means getting up early and ..really just want to stay in bed and hide..




really want to cut ..thats all we want right now is to be able to just forget all this mess for a little while..just a little peace and quiet ..and the more out of control all this other stuff feels the more cutting looks better and better..cas it helps..because it can be controlled in the mess of all this out of control stuff..cant do this..really really cant

last night was not good

And so tonight everything just kinda came crashing down. I feel very very sad and broken. This is depressing, im depressing. Actually I guess it would be more than even depressed because I think for a little while tonight I was almost suicidal again. Im sad I cut but im upset because I stopped. I didn’t want to stop. I never wanted to cut. I wanted to stop thinking and I liked it. I always forget that part of me really likes cutting and it does make me feel better. It makes me tired and gives me a little bit of quiet..why do I even want to die again. I don’t think its so much wanting to die as it is just wanting to make things stop. There is way to much going on, and it is very overwhelming and stressful. Im trying to deal with it but its not working and I tried to listen to Yvonne and hear what she was saying. Nothing has changed though, and so it took a while but I realize now that what I have missed in all of this is my need to blame someone and that became blaming me. It felt like I was just waiting for something to blame myself for so that I could have a reason to just yell and be mean to myself. I wanted it in a way. I wanted to hurt, and the more I was mad and telling myself I was stupid and all of this is my fault the more it made sense to cut. That was the next stop, because of course it got way out of hand before I managed to realize I needed to stop. Then the only thing that could get it to stop was cutting. I wrote some, I made myself get up and walk around when I realized I was getting really anxious. I worked on a collage and nothing helped. None of it did. Now im just sad, and trying not to cry. I was really very angry earlier, and now its all just sad feelings. Im not angry anymore at all, just tired. I don’t like what is going on or how things are playing out. It just makes me anxious all the time. And if I had been paying attention I would have realized something like tonight was going to happen. I wasn’t paying attention though and was thinking I was fine and dealing with everything. I guess saying im a liar would be going a bit far, but I don’t care. I just hate all of this, I hate having to struggle so much with everything.
Today im still feeling really out of it. I don’t feel good, and im sad. Very very sad, the thoughts well the negative ones anyway just wont stop. Im stupid for just about every possible reason today and ive only been up for like an hour. I just want to stay inside today and not do anything..but I know that is not a good idea and so im forcing myself to stick to my plan of going to the movies. I have to because if I don’t ill just stay inside and not be okay. I can go to the movies and not be ok and I guess that’s a little better..i guess im a little worried about work this week, when im feeling so down and my mouth hurts..not thrilled about having to go to the doc this week. Id rather not but well I have to because im not sure if its my wisdom teeth coming in or something else. I feel like im falling apart in every way possible right now, and that is depressing.

very frustrated

im trying . hard to stay positive but it is taking a lot of effort to manage that..trying to do one thing at a time..and i know that today i have to go and talk to the office here and see if i can move my part of the lease to a one bed room..and if not then ill know i do need to start looking for a new place to live...but the first option would be trying to stay in this apartment complex..and i talked to both mommy and nia last night about it..and i think it does make me feel better that you guys and they are on my side i guess..and upset with me about the whole thing..it helps me see that im not overreacting i guess..but mommy also said that she would help me money wise if i needed it..and i would rather that didnt happen..but i dont know..and not knowing makes me anxious..

when yvonne was explaining it all to me yesterday she said that she would you know help me find another place and all that...but im not sure i want her help at all right now..and she said she is going to talk to the office..but i know that if i wait for her it may be a while before she goes and i dont have time to wait for her...so im going to see about my part and what happens if the lease is broken..i want to here it from the ppl in charge i guess...but if there are fees or something then no im not paying it..yvonne said that she wouldnt be able to pay rent here and where ever she moved too...so i really do not think i will be able to stay in the 2 bedroom..even with help..well let me change that..staying in the two bedroom would limit me being able to do anything at all except pay bills and i wouldnt be able to afford al of them...and the one bedroom is still going to really push the limits i guess when it comes to money...and im just worried..there is no time to even start putting money aside to cover moving costs or deposits or any of that kinda stuff ..if it came to moving to a completely new apart complex..did i mention im massively frustrated :censor and im mad mad mad that she told me when i asked her that she may not be going to ny and asked if i would consider changing it to a different date...and i really really just ugh i hate it...the whole point of going was because it would be my birthday..and changing it to over the holidays would be kinda not ok..cas of work and going home and all of that..and i dont really want to go then..i want to go in september..and she knows this..ive talked about it for months....i dont want to change my plans i dont .. am i being mean or selfish if i go without her?.. i dont know

im very glad that i have t today..can feel the thoughts getting very very not ok

last night was not a good night at work at all
i really dont want to go to work today