.....

today has been pretty chill...like really..ivve just been in a pretty neutral mood all day..some up and down moments but they were short lived...im slightly frustrated with the cable but im just trying to keep calm and calling the cable place to see about getting it fixed some how...its just being weird and not working..and its frustrating cas i just had to pay a heck of a lot of money to have it put in..so darnit it needs to work!

but the evening got away from me and i wasnt feeling good and was just reading and resting and well 3 hours later i realize that hmm i kinda need to get up lol...so of course i get up and come to the computer lol..i am about to go and clean up my stuff from dinner and then maybe head to bed..since it is almost 10 right now..the day has gone by fairly quickly

hmmm

yesterday was hard..therapy was hard t was very very hard today. :( we are feeling very sad and not connected..not contained it what it was earlier..like being outside was hard cas i thought i was going to fly apart..

very upset with t for being so understanding..she didint yell at me for cutting or isolating so much this past weekend...she did ask me to work on not cutting and not isolating..and she said it was good that i was working this weekend...we spent particularly the entire time talking about yvonne leaving and how i was feeling..and really it was to the point that i was biting my lip to keep from crying..but i think she could tell i was really beyond being ok..and she asked what i needed before i left and i couldnt tell her that i just wanted reassurance and well maybe a hug..i told her i didnt know and asked her what she wanted to tell me..and she went off and listened all this stuff she wanted me to know..and it did help..but made me want to cry even more..and then i had to go to work after i left her..and tried hard to pull myself together..but didnt do such a good job of it..and was crying in the car when i got to work..and just kept my sunglasses on for as long as i could..i was quiet and to myself..and really did take a while before i left more able to particpate..like the need the be quiet and still is really strong right now..i want to isolate so so very much..i want to be alone..and im at work where that cant really happen :(...i just need to think..without interruptions..and im afraid if i think at home it will not end well..but i have to do something because there are to many thoughts in my head..i cant process it all... :snoopy just made me realize that we are far from dealing with all of this..very far..because talking about it just ppulled all the hurt and sad and angry feelings back up..and well if i got to the point of crying then yeah there is still a lot to deal with...

well i wrote that yesterday

today just feeling tired..but i got internet and cable hooked up today and that does mamke me feel a lot better...i have missed it lol..

but just feeling a little quiet and to myself today..not in isolation mode..but just kinda alright being alone today..

thoughts from today..and well the past few days

really am struggling to deal with all of this...im upset and sad..and it doesnt seem to be going anywhere at all..i dont know what to do at all..im trying hard to think more logically and rational today..im trying to get myself to answer and identify what it is i need to do to make this work..and that scares me..all of it scares me...i feel like im going to fail again and end up going home..maybe thats what the big part of it is that im afraid to look at...failing and needing mommy to bail me out of trouble again..or some how convince me to come home..but i keep reminding myself that i have a job here..i have a reg paycheck here..and thats how i need for it to stay..i need to depend on myself...i need to be able to keep up with my bills and take care of myself and make this work...im an adult ..not a child..i can take care of myself when i have to..now it not the time for me to break down..because that is all mommy needs to start telling me that i cant do this and that i need to move home...im not going to tell her yet anyway..maybe ill wait until over the summer before telling her...i decided today that over the summer ill have to find a part time job..because it will be a lot more expensive living on my own...but i think im done with roommates...this time around with yvonne has been really disappointing and its been more like living on my own than with a roommate..and i think that maybe thats just what i need to do..and find a place that i like and can call my own for a while..because darnit i hate moving..i hate things changing..i really really do..and now i have to change things again..and the not knowing if its going to be a good or bad change wears on me...

i have yet to talk to yvonne...i have spoken to her once in the past 4 days..she has yet to come and tell me what is really going on...and its disappointing that still im the last on her list to talk to..cas she just assumes ill be there i guess..she is the cause of turning my world upside down and she doesnt even stick around long enough to talk to me about it..she has asked once and that was well four days ago..and i told her i wasnt ready to talk and i wasnt..but then i havent seen her and its like well .. ok..i get tired of waiting for her to remember me...of waiting for her to remember that she is supposed to live here too...i guess im just feeling very very betrayed by her..like she is becoming like everyone else who lets me down..she needed me when it was convenient for her..she got me here..and then i just wasnt as important anymore .. i wasnt needed anymore because i was here and not going anywhere..and its hard to think like that...but it feels true..i may be wrong..i may not be..but im going on how it has been living with her the past 6 months ... she is never around..and then she comes in and buys me stuff and then apologizes for being a bad roommate and she promises to be around more..and nothing changes..she is not here..and thats all there is to it..and more often than not when she is here she has company..so what am i supposed to think? how am i supposed to act? maybe i do need to step away and just have to depend on myself for a while..maybe i need to prove to myself that i can make it on my own..and that living alone is not the end of the world ..

this is kinda what i asked myself this morning to help bring order to my head...i think there are still questions i need to ask myself but i dont know what they are yet ...
What is the situation ?
• Yvonne is moving
What does that mean for you ?
• Im going to have to move because I cant afford the two bedroom alone
What are your options
• I can stay in va and try to make it living by myself
• I can move back home and try to stay safe
• I can move somewhere else and start over….again
Of the 3, which do you prefer?
• Staying in va because I like it here, because I have a job, and docs, because im managing and am ok here, and I have friends here
What are you going to have to do inorder to make staying possible?
• Im going to have to start looking for an apartment
• Im going to have to start saving so I can afford to move
• Over the summer I may have to find a part time job
• Everything is going to have to be put on hold once the summer is over because of moving and making sure I can afford everything

i guess thats a step in the right direction..but im not sure either..but i think i better get my mind on something else for a while because i can feel that im starting to get overwhelmed by all this again

just... i dont know

i want to shut down. i want to just stop thinking and worrying about everything right now. its overwhelming and stresses me out ..i am stressed and i dont know what to do at all. yvonne is leaving in september. which means ill have to figure out what im going to do..im getting slightly paranoid thinking that ill be forced or tricked into going back home..i dont want to go home..ill kill myself if i go home again..but staying here isnt going to work out either..well not staying in this apartment..and that means moving and moving is just overwhelming by its self and i always freak out and just have a hard time handling stuff when i have to deal with moving and packing and everything. i cant do it..its not even happening until sept and already i feel like my world has come crashing down..and im upset..very very upset and i keep pushing all those feelings away..yvonne spent all the time to convince me to come here and i do and then shes not even around..and now shes leaving..and i can understand the reasons behind it...but right now it feels like she just did everything for her benefit and i just went along with it..and now im stuck...and she told me the other night that we needed to figure out what to do about me ..and that makes me mad to because i can take care of myself and i dont need anyone doing anything for me..because ill do whatever i have to do in the end..but i dont need anyone feeling obligated to 'take care of me'. im not a child. i just cant think because upset feelings get in the way..and i get caught up thinking that ill have to go home..it feels like i just moved and now now i have to look at moving again..i have to figure out how its all going to work out..and i dont know how it is..staying in the apartment i have now is not going to work money wise..without a roommate.. and im not all that sure about living with someone i dont know...moving into a 1 bedroom would take a lot of planning and budgeting because up here most 1 bedrooms are almost $600..and im sure i could find some a little cheaper but well safety and all that becomes an issue and i dont want to live in a crappy apartment and not feel safe there if i have to pay for it..and that is just a lot of money..and im just feeling lostand alone and all out of sorts because i cant figure any of it out.. i told nia what was going on but not mommy..but she will have to know soon enough i guess..but i dont know how to tell her because i know she will ask if im moving home..and i dont have an answer for that yet..i dont want to get guilted into it..i dont want to go home..and no matter how much i keep saying it i still cant convince myself that it wont happen..i dont trust myself to stay calm and rational when talking to her..and so im stuck..i feel like i need to figure this all out now. i need to know what is going to happen and how im going to do things..and its to early to figure it out..and i cant let it go..im worrying and thinking about it all non stop because i need for it to work out..and i dont know if it will..
cut yesterday
and i plan on canceling t for next week..partly because im in training and im not sure about going in late..and that is bothering me..and partly because i dont want to talk to anyone..i dont even want to talk to yvonne right now..and i know it will lead to me just isolating big time this weekend..not that i had plans anyway but i just want to be alone and quiet..and i guess i want a little more time before i have to admit to cutting again..but i know i will be all over the place from missing a session..i dont think ive missed a week since i started with this linda..and theres a lot going on and so it may not be my best idea in the world..but for now i havent canceled it yet..so i dont know..no desire to go right now but that could change over the weekend.

crowded

saw t yesterday and im frustrated...i mean i wasnt feeling good and i know talking to her yesterday was just confusing because i couldnt manage to think and make sense of anything..and it was fine going but its starting to feel like im not doing anything in therapy..and that bothers me a lot..becuase i know its my fault..and that i can try harder to talk to her and talk about stuff..but i hardly ever do..and then half the time i forget what i even talked about..or i dont remember what ive said..and its frustrating..last night i was thinking about it and i dont know..its just very frustrating..

and i think im gonna have to cancel t for next week because im in training and i dont like that at all..but its to stressful trying to figure it all out..and i dont know what to do..i can be late for the training i guess but that wouldnt make a good impression at all..but i dont want to miss t either..its just bothering me a lot right now..and i cant figure out what to do about it at all..

actually had dinner with yvonne last night..and she apologized for being a bad roommate and friend..and she told me some that is going on with her..and well the possibility of her moving to where her grandmother is if her grandfather passes away..he has cancer and the chemo is really not going well..and so she is worried and its not looking good..and so in everything the chance of being here without her is on mind and worrying me...no im positive that whatever happened i would stay here ...in va..and just figure out what i wanted to do..school or work..i would not move back home...i cant do that..but i dont know...we are going to be moving though in sept/october...because the maintenance here is not good...my freaking ceiling is leaking and they wont fix our door...so yeah...going to start looking for a better place to live..

just so much going on in my head and imm not feeling good and so its all even more overwhelming and frustrating.. :

sick

allergies..and sinus issues are really getting to me the past few days...i spent the weekend at work and feeling so sick and out of it..i couldnt call out sick..and so i went in and had to force myself to focus..today im trying to relax since im off..but im still feeling really miserable..

struggling with med changes

today has been up and down..which im learning more about now as its kinda bed time...i feel like its bed time..and have felt that way for about an hour or so but struggling to just stay awake...its like im getting bouts of energy and then it kinda goes away and i feel so so tired..and then a bit later i feel more energized again..and its back and forth..its weird..and im guessing its just me getting used to the meds but its hard cas im expected to be awake and all that for work...but i managed to run errands and even got stuff put away before i had to lay down and take a break..and then i had to get up when oompaa came over..and i was alright..we got the yard started..and then went to dinner..but once dinner was done it was like a steady fizzing out..and i just didnt have the energy to do anything else..and so i came in..and have spent the time just laying down..trying to sleep and then trying to not sleep.. im really hoping all this will pass..i mean really am feeling more better than yesterday..but still some struggles...but going to go back to laying down now

not with it today

yep its going to be a busy week at work i think..and well it didnt help matters at all that we came to work and the power was out in all of the cottages! its frustrating because well we cant do anything at all..and well cant cook or do the online paperwork right now so we are kinda just stuck...and its soooo boring..i almost fell asleep on the couch waiting for it to get to 3 so we could go and get the girls from school! am still feelings pretty tired though..

well had t this morning and did talk some a bout the wanting to cut, and attention and need and all that..and i kept losing focus with her...shutting down kinda..and well she could tell and would get my attention again..but then she would start talking and asking questions again and it would happen all over again...and i tried to talk to her about it..but i couldnt really explain the 'going away' or what was happening..and it was upsetting and hard..and i was working to keep things under control and not completely lose it cas i refuse to do that..and losing control would be directly related to letting the anger really come out and thats something that i just can not deal with or let happen..i just cant but just having trouble with staying focused today...feeling a little off and on edge..but managing...im really hoping work will be fairly low stress today cas well we cant stay in the cottage..so yeah...and then saw the pdoc and i think im still a little upset with her for telling me that theres a chance she may transfer me to someone else..and well i of course turned it into she doesnt want to work with me anymore..and i wasnt ok with that at all..but then well i told t and t talked to her about it and so its ok now..but we will see..i may just refuse to see anyone else..but i know that change would not go over well at all..but with the meds no changes except increases the effexor which i wanted anyway...and she did mention that maybe i cshould consider spliting up the lexapro and take half in the morning and half at night to kinda help level out the fatique..but i dont know about that yet..cas im so used to taking it all at once in the morning and that im ok with..but i am more tired..and some of that may also be related to the fact that this weekend and this being the long week at work is draining my engery big time..and its just taking me some time to regroup and deal with it all...and i was reading online about the side effects of the effexor and im really thinking i need to get my eating in order and im gonna have to really work hard at staying a bit active..cas of course one of the side effects is weight gain..and i dont think it was a big issue before..but im most certainly not making it any better!...so just some things i need to keep an eye on and of course any other weird things that may happen cas of the dose going up...

but just trying to deal with the day and make it to thrusday.so that we can get a break from it all..just for a little while...i know this weekend will be weird a bit because my shift partner wont be here friday or saturday and so the other shift is trading in those days ..so ill be working with one that im not completely comfortable with..and one that im semi ok with those two days...so a little worried but i think it will be ok..i hope it will be ok but yeah guess thats all.

back to not ok

I need to write before I forget this. im struggling tonight with being safe and making good choices..I know I am..and im also feeling perfectly okay with making very bad choices tonight just for the outcome..I realized today that I wanted attention..on the drive back to va I started thinking that I really wanted attention and that I didn’t know how to get it..except if I did something bad..and then I would have loads of attention..I just wanted to be noticed..talked to I guess…just being at home lleaves me feeling very depressed and detached and alone..and being at home with mommy does not get my needs met at all..I don’t know what my needs are exactly but they just arent being met..I don’t feel needed or important at home and so its just hard being there..and I struggled last night to while at home..but I still havent cut…im waiting to cut..I want to..well kinda..I have a whole list of things that I can do to get some attention..and im assuming the attention is going to come from linda because she is the only person I would tell about it…but I want her to be mad at me..I want her to yell at me..I want a reason to just keep cutting..it wouldn’t be the same if she just wasn’t mad..I want her to be mad..I want her to react..I just want her to do something..and I don’t think I really know what it is..I keep thinking I want attention..but I don’t know how to ask for it..except to do something I shouldn’t do..and it bothers me that im okay with that…that I would cut just so that I would have to tell her..just so that she would be concerned and care and make sure I was ok.. L it confuses me because I don’t cut for the attention at all…I would hide the scars from everyone else..but I don’t know..I just want something and im not sure how to go about getting it..

I also realized that I don’t live at home anymore today…I know it took a while..6 months to be exact..but that’s what else I was thinking about kinda off and on this weekend..the fact that I don’t live at home..all my stuff is gone..I have to ask mommy if I need anything..I really truly don’t live there anymore..and that is scary too..

the scars
im trying towrite..I want to cut..or cry..both things that just bother me a lot..im struggling to keep myself together..but the sudden warm weather is really getting to me..and im having a hard hard time dealing with it..and the scars..I want to be normal and im not..ill never ever fit in..because ill always have to make sure im being careful..I always have to be careful…im sad..no im past just being sad..I don’t know what I am..im hurt and just cant focus..im not ashamed of myself..im ashamed of the scars..and that they will never go away…and ill never be able to do anything like anyone else..I don’t want the scars..I want them to go away..and they wont..and all the overwhelming feelings make me want to cut even more..wanting attention aside..I want the tears to stop..its not often that I cry about the scars or cutting or anything..but this week it has really been constantly on my mind..and I know I should just kinda let the feelings happen and all that but I cant..they scare me because they are so overwhelming..all the yelling and negative thoughts are to much to deal with…I don’t want to deal with any of it…

im home
im depressed
what else is new :(

really struggling to deal with the fact that the weather is warming up and i cant relax or be comfortable because of the scars...i hate it..i want to be like everyone else and go swimming and have fun and i cant..cas im always worried..its not fair..and im not happy right now at all..

have been home since friday but im hoping to be heading back to va in a couple hours..need to get away

worn out

well im struggling to focus and get stuff done to go home...obviously im not doing so hot if im still laying down messing with the computer..but i needed to check some things before i left and well then i had to write..and well here i am...again not doing a darn thing worth talking about...this has been a really really off week..

yesterday at work really did wear me out..i was asked to come in early and i did..and then i ended up having to do all the paper work from last night and ended up staying an extra hour and still didnt get it all finished and so i brought it home with me...i was literally about to fall asleep on the couch with all the paperwork on the floor..and the overnigiht staff finally told me to just go home and take the ones i hadnt finished with me..but that i would need to have them back by sunday..which i was like ok..cas it gives me a reason to come back on sunday at a reasonable hour..i do have to take them back though cas i dont want to be in trouble for taking them with me! but ill deal with it...and then earlier that day one of the girls pushed over the grill that we had usedd to cook on and the grass started burning! which was really scary..but we got it taken care of and put out and all that..but then the girl walked away and i had to follow her..and we ended up walking in the rain and i got soaked and that just kinda killed my mood...i wasnt mad at her..just mad at the situation..cas i had to walk around in wet clothes for like 4 hours! no i was not happy..and then there was a mix up with communication with the relief person i was working with last night..and one of the girls ended up walking outside at night..and when i found out about it..it was like darnit shes not supposed to be out there at night..and i had the relief person go and get her...but then she spent a couple minutes walking with one of the boys..and its was like holy crap im gonna be in so much trouble for this :unsure: and so im just worried about what is going to happen about that..i mean yes it was a mistake..and no i didnt do it..but im afraid ill be held responsible and lose my job ..and all that..its frustrating..but i called my supervisor last night and told her about it..so that it wasnt like i was trying to hide it or something...so i guess i did what i could and now i just have to wait and see..but its just worrying me a lot.. :snoopy

but trying to let it go i guess for now..if anything happens it wont be until monday when i go back to work..so yeah..

not really feeling good right now..i think its just a mix of everything..and then random cramps and allergies and everything just happens at once..i cant say im to interested in taking that 4 hour drive home..im really not..but im hoping ill be up and moving and out of the house by 1 at the latest..so that gives me a little time to run around and clean up some before leaving..cas things are a mess right now..and i havent packed or anything..im just tired and worn out..maybe getting away will be good..i dont know..


i see the pdoc next week though..i think im going to ask her if she can go up on the effexor and maybe the trazodone..but im not sure yet about the trazodone..i dont know why im back to not sleeping and being so tired..and its just been within the last week that its been happening again..so im not sure..but yeah..guess i better start moving or something..

hard night

have really really been wanting to write today..so many thoughts in the head today..the need for quiet and stillness is strong..and i guess its because there is so much chaos inside..not even the work chaos bothered me today..well there wasnt a lot of it but my mind was not in work...i kept going to sit outside because it was quiet..calm..still..i realized there is worry and anxiety and it all has to do with going home..now that we have decided to actually go the worry is setting in..and im scared..well not scared just anxious..im still afraid to go home..even now im still afraid..always afraid to go home..even for just a couple days..i feel small and so so alone..it gives me a headache..actually this week i cant seem to get rid of my headache..the sadness creeps in and takes over and i dont know what to do about it...my sister has pneumonia..and so i feel like i have to go home now even more to check on her and see her and make sure she is ok..there is not enough quiet...its bothering me that i cant have quiet..and that makes me think of stupid things to do to reach that level of oblivion..where nothing matters and everything is ok..it would be so easy to just say screw it and cut..but that cant happen..i dont want it to happen..but i just dont know..

bad things

had a hard night.. couldnt sleep but was so so so tired...was up until after 2 i think..and then there were thhunder storms that got me up again..and had trouble relaxing enough to go to sleep..and now im up again..and im still tired..

really anxious about t today..cas going to have to tell her about yesterday..feel guilty not telling her..and i just dont feel good right now..i still dont want to do anything at all..and have been talking about it some ..and it wasnt as much of an accident as i first thought..which makes it worse..i guess..i dont know..its just all messed up..and the effects are ones that werent counted on..guess its safe to say i know that i cant go up any higher on the lexapro because i cant function with it any higher..worried t is going to be mad at me..for doing it..

just really disappointed and sad from shopping today :(
thats all

lots of thoughts

i couldnt sleep last night..and so im up already..i want to sleep...im so tired..but still im awake..i think there is just stuff bothering me and its starting to get the best of me..im really very jealous right now..of everyone else..i feel like i dont fit in anywhere..i never have so what would make now any different..im upset that i cant manage to make friends or talk to people..and i try to make myself feel better and say that it doesnt bother me when it really does :( i hate this..i hate not being able to relate to the people i work with..i can relate to the kids..i wish i didnt relate to the kids so much..i want to be ...i just dont know what i want to be..who i want to be..i just feel like this is something im overreacting to..why should it matter you know who my shift partner is friends with..it shouldnt bother me so much that she has taken to the people we work with more than i have..but ive started comparing myself to her..i want to be like her..i want to be talkative and happy and just good...and im not..and that upsets me...

i was talking to one of the girls yesterday..and we were sitting outside ..just the two of us..and i was listening to her talk..and as i was responding to some things she said i just told her about something i had said to my therapist.and told her that i had been in therapy for a long time and that i was just getting to the point of accepting that...and it was one of those 'right moment' kinda things..because she is one that i can see really improving and moving on and having a life...i want to see her move on and succeed i really truly do...because i just know she can.. in talking with her i realized that i dont want my past to define who i am anymore...im not a victim, im not a child..im just me..with all my faults and umm not faults..and i have to make do with me..which is something that im really struggling with..but more noticeably now..cas well i dont know..it just is..

im feeling down today..i wantt to pull in on myself..shut everyone else out..i want to be quiet and alone..very very alone..because once i figure out that im feeling jealous i just want to do bad things..because being jealous is not a good thing to feel..

well since im up i may as well do something productive..but really i just want to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself..im useless..hmm yeah i better stop writing because the words and feelings are just getting really negative :(

a lot of different thoughts..

today has been ok so far but im drifting and i know i am..i have such a headache..and i know its because work ..well the team meeting today was really triggering...because the new girl is an active cutter and actively suicidal and so talking about it and well listening to it being talked about ..just kinda caused a reaction..and its been so good lately you know..no cutting or anything..and now its like the urge is really really big and it makes me nervous..did wear a short sleeved shirt today but have been keeping a jacket on all day because today the scars are shameful and sad..and no one here has really asked me about them..and i guess on some level the therapist and them could prolly figure it out..but i dont want to just go and make it super easy for them :( ...because im sure me actively cutting would make me lose my job or there would be a whole lot of extra stuff placed on me to make sure i was getting 'help'..and i dont want that..and yeah my cutting...our cutting is way more serious that the girls here do or have done..and they really dont know how bad cutting can be..but i do ..and it is not something i want to talk about with the girls or have it implied or anything..because i know eventually there will be a girl who does ask about the cuts..and i dont know what to say...i have mentioned to some of the girls that i just had a hard time growing up and left it at that..but i dont know..its just hard..and i wish the headache would go away...i just kinda want to go home... i dont think im feeling very grounded at all right now..im not in panic mode..but feeling a bit on edge and off...
i didnt cut...do believe the urge is still there but its not as strong right now...its going to take some getting used to with the new girl..but will have to figure out something...

feeling really confused about a work relationship..and im not sure what it is i wants from it..it confuses and embarrasses me a lot

but ran a few errands this morning..and trying to stay on top of laundry..and making sure i get it done today..but i just kinda want to go back to sleep cas i feel like ive been up for forever and its still barely 11..

dont think i will be doing much today..not really liking the warmer weather...its so hard finding tshirts that are long enough :(

but anyway..guess thats all..kinda rambling i think