im doing ok

all things considered im actually doing ok...ive gotten over my inital panic from last week of feeling 'to' okay. i saw linda today and well i actually told her that she needed to stop helping me..and after she got a laugh out of it she asked what i meant and that i had asked a very loaded question...at first i was just upset..well from last week..i was upset that i was feeling better..calmer ..not as depressed..and then i was worried cas i started thinking that i was ok and nothing was bothering me and so i didnt need therapy anymore..and after today well i know thats not true. linda told me that yes i was making a lot of progress but that i had a long way to go still..and i guess that calmed me down in a way..cas i was thinking that if i wasnt in crisis then i didnt need therapy anymore and i dont know how to 'be' without therapy..i need her and so the thought of being better was just really bothering me a lot...but after talking about it i guess im feeling better...i know i can get through the week at least..and this is my busy week with work..and we now have 10 girls!! i think im gonna end up with gray hair and i dont even need my own kids to make it happen! haha kinda funny..

struggling with whether or not i want to go home in next weekend..i dont want to ..but i may end up at home..and then i wont have to worry about going home for like a month or so...but i dont know..i really just want to stay here cas in all honesty i cant really afford to go home...not if im supposed to be saving for the cruise and everything..and then getting to henrys graduation..and yeah ..lots of money i dont have ...but im managing..again ..no idea how i am..but i am

nothing thrilling

well we are getting a new girl in the group today...and we will have 10...i think i may go crazy!! .. good grief its going to be wild in the cottage...but i guess we will manage lol...gosh 10 girls again..crazy!

hmmm feeling kinda blahish today...i dont think im feeling good but im not sure .. weird dreams last night..but not scary..just kinda weird..i keep saying i need to go to the store and i dont want to..which makes me realize im isolating for some odd reason..and i dont know why just feeling quiet and i dont know..im glad i dont have to work today though...i have to go to bed early tonight because i have t tomorrow super early in the morning..like painfully early in the morning lol..and im hoping ill be alert or something when i go..i do want to see her..so thats good at least...

hmm made a really good taco salad last night for dinner...maybe ill have the rest for breakfast lol

heads moving really slow right now..and i dont feel like im really saying anything important so ill stop for now ..

things are just to different

today has been hard on some different levels...had t this morning before work and i really need to stop seeing her before work ..but its like we talked about family history..kinda going over what i remember and what i know type things..names and places...which in a sense is ok because its not like im calling names or revealing anything..but at the same time its not really okay either..cas once i start with all the easy stuff then the hard stuff will start slipping in..and still im not reacting as badly as i normally do..or how i have reacted in the past..and i think that is the part of it that is confusing me the most..its like im just waiting to see what is going to happen..how far she can go before she meets real resistance and refusal...she asked about being disciplined as a kid and i shut down really fast..she told me i shut down..i had all these thoughts going through my head and i could say them and i just kinda started drifting away...i asked her to change the subject...and we just kinda skipped it..but she let me know that that wouldnt be the end of it either...and im not real sure about that either..but i guess ill see..i cant do anything but wait..i know nothing real hard was figured out from what i told her today..but still im a little bit nervous...but thats it..and i dont know...i think im more nervous 'waiting' for the reaction to happen..waiting for something to happen....im waiting for all the upset feelings..for all the no breaking the rules feelings..and its not happening..and i dont know why...it bothers me that im not in 'crisis' all the time..that i cant ask for support or anything because theres nothing wrong with me..feeling ok makes me wonder why i need therapy or anything at all..i dont know

not much going on

have been feeling really quiet lately...the weekend was hard and super tiring and i still feel a bit tired but a lot less stressed..enjoyed my days off actually ..went out to lunch with a friend yesterday and we ended up at build a bear and so i have another bear lol...i need to ban myself from that store! i cant go in there and not get something!

worn out

the long weeks really do wear me out...its so hard and so tiring to make it to sunday..and now its sunday and all i want to do is go to bed and sleep..mondays after the long week always end up with me doing nothing at all...its like a need a full 24 hours to even regroup and kinda rejoin the real world..some weeks are better than others but good grief..its hard...

dont know what else to say though..ill be glad when tomorrow gets here.. guess thats all

just thinking

ive been feeling pretty quiet the past couple days...a lot on my mind but none of it is necessarily bad..just consuming...not even overwhelming which is really surprising me...i saw linda twice this week..and im glad i did..i am..we talked about lots of different stuff..work, life, the usual rambles..but the second time i saw her we ended up talking about therapy..i told her i thought i would be in therapy for the rest of my life..and i do think that..but after talking to her maybe i need to rethink it a little bit..i dont know yet..she explained the different types of therapy to me..and all that..and we talked about talking about past stuff and if it was important or not..and she told me that talking about the past isnt always something that has to be done..and that made me feel super happy..i immediately started trying to find a way to get out of talking about it..and that was enough to let me know that i needed to talk about it..well i need to talk about it..but im not ready yet..i dont know what to say..or what to do...but we were talking about it and as usual my defenses kicked into high gear..and i started thinking no nope, absolutely not talking about it..immediately the wall that kinda blocks everything came up too..but it was different this time..it wasnt as overwhelming..it didnt make me feel all over the place, suicidal, or super depressed...it made me a little sad..but none of the usual stuff that comes up with talking about talking and feeling like breaking the rules an all that..it is hard..and im trying to just not worry to much about it..cas its different and that means i have to just get used to it..but it is a little hard to wrap my head around..things really are starting to change..and im not sure how i like it yet..
it still makes me worried..and im scared ill be in trouble..but talking to linda may not kill me...but i havent decided yet..still just thinking about it..

but hmm dont know...started the new meds..and i think it is helping me focus a bit more...but it does make me more tired..but im hoping that will stop to in time..

also talked to my gyno doc..and the biopsy came back normal..she is keeping me on the medicine that i started for now and see how it goes...im upset that my insurance didnt cover the lab costs though..i owe almost $600 for that! and it sucks..i mean goo grief im struggling with money now and so to make it better my insurance goes all stupid ..ugh..its ridiculous..and so so soooooooooooooooo stupid...

gotta figure out money for may..and henrys graduation and cruise and all that..it is going to be a struggle...and somehow ill have to get it handled..cas ill have to drive down to his school..and pay for a hotel room and all that..and then money for traveling when it comes to the cruise and everything .. and then i have some car issues going on that i need to figure out money for too..ugh everything needs money! its so frustrating..im afraid that ill have to get a part time job ..but im trying to wait out the summer for that..before i start looking and all that..cas if i get a part time job i want it to be in something that is not connected in any way to social work or troubled kids..i want my part time job to be a break! but for now its just still an idea..im not sure how ill be able to handle a second job ..and all that..

so yeah..quite a few things going on...a lot to deal with but its not stressing me out so much..maybe im dealing with it better .. i dont know

movie - precious

i ve been trying to write but just keep losing focu..s.sometimes i just want to give up and go away and not have to worry about all of these stuff..im tired..and i guess meds are starting to kick in some..it has seemed like this day has gone on for forever..it was so so so slow and dragged on...i finally got out of the house for a little while.....well the natural light bothered me for a while..it hurt my eyes and i just felt disconnected again..im so weird..but umm did like 5 loads of laundry today..and even put them away...still have some big things to do like sheets and towels but all clothes are done...and it took forever and i guess im proud for finishing it..but i couldnt do anything else today..it was just to much..will have to clean up the kitchen again tomorrow before leaving for work maybe...i really need to make a list so i can go to the store on thursday..we are just out of stuff and i feel responsible to get it..i guess..somehow..i dont know

watched precious today..it was hard...some parts i couldnt look at and had to stay slightly distracted throughout the movie..but in general i watched it..and managed ok..but then it got to the point where the mom explained her reasoning behind letting it happened...explained why she blamed her daughter for what happened..made excuses and then had the nerve to ask not to be judged..that upset me more than anything else..i could have managed fine if that part hadnt been in the movie..but i just cant deal with parents who are at fault for something happening to their children and then they blame the kid..they hate the kid..they try to make themselves feel better ..and its all a bunch of bs..how is it possible that parents do this stuff..and just leave there kids to suffer..it makes me upset..it hurts..it makes me sad..for the kids..for what has happened..but its never about me..im not sad about me at all..the movie itself isnt the worst ive seen dealing with abuse..i mean come on i watch lifetime all the time when im at home or when i had cable..i read books about abuse..i watch shows specifically that i know will trigger a reaction from me for the sake of seeing how it plays out..and sometimes the reactions are really bad..and sometimes they arent...but the one thing that i always see..is the mom blaming the kid..the mom choosing to place the child second to someone else..the mom wants the relationship with her husband or bf over the safety of the kid..and its not fair..its wrong..i cant understand how a parent can do that...how a parent can ever not put there kid first..it bothers me so so much..it makes me afraid ..and i hurt for all the kids who have been hurt, or not believed..all the kids who tried hard to get help and they were turned away for the needs of a parent..no its not fair at all..watching that movie today almost made me want a baby..but i had to remind myself that i would be a horrible parent..that i would get upset some day and do something stupid and my kid would hate me forever..i cant forget that..before i make a mistake and end up with a kid..how that would happen i still dont know..but yeah..sometimes my irrational thinking can take over really quickly..so i dont know..thoughts are just all over the place ..and i have to many questions in my head as usual

collages

quiet day

im doing alright i guess...really wanting to see my therapist but just trying to stay calm..and not think to much about cutting...because in my emptiness yesterday i realized that it was cutting that kinda grounded me with all that...instead i just watched a movie and eventually fell asleep..im still tired..and im still not doing anything important...i really need to clean up and i just cant seem to find the motivation at all to do it...the messiness is really bothering me..but i lose interest so fast..and i keep pulling stuff out and not putting it back..and so its a little bit frustrating..hopefully ill mkae some headway with it though sometime today..i really want to take a nap though..

i made a couple of collages yesterday night too..ill have to see if i can get them to post on here..ill have to get better pictures of them..

im actually almost excited about the cruise in may..im hoping it works out..i really am..still a bit jealous about it at the same time..but ill get over it..i want to go..i want to get away...maybe thats why im looking forward to it so much..its a chance to get away from things.even if mommy will be there..i just need a vacation..im thinking ill just go ahead and take off for a week and a half from work..well some of those days im off already but ill have to get all that figured out too...

hmm not much to talk about though...feeling kinda blahish...still slightly disconnected i think

thinking

.i think something about today really has just been bothering me...i have really felt disconnected in a way..like all of the past stuff isnt there anymore ..like im so close to being normal..so close to being like everyone else..i want to be like everyone else..i want to be normal..or sane..or just together good grief...i just want stability..and its been so touch n go lately..that today really is throwing me for a loop..its not nothing can get at me right now...and so what do i do? i try to make myself feel something...i try to make myself have a reaction to something..just so that i can remind myself im still alive..that im still here..that i can still have a normal reaction..and i cant... i cant feel anything..im just here..and all emotions have been sucked away..all thoughts are just thoughts..all actions have no real meaning..and time just keeps moving..time always keeps moving

i dont know whats wrong wiith me...i feel okay and so i question it..now i wonder if something is wrong with me...i guess i just think that im always supposed to feel sad or depressed or agitated..and so a day where none of that is present actually worries me ?! how is that possible...i wanted a completely dull and boring day and thats what i got..and now im worried about it.. i should be happy nothing is going on..i should be happy that my head is almost completely calm and slow right now..and i want to be..i really do..but i cant just relax with the thoughts..its just to different to deal with..and its days like today when i really questions why i have to go to therapy..or take meds or any of that stuff..i feel fine..im not thinking about the past..or work or really anything..i could live the rest of my life and never question anything about my past...i wont have to deal with the stress or anxiety anymore .. why cant it be like this always...i wonder why im not screwed up enough to need constant support and understanding.. it should be a good thing that i can manage some days without freaking out or being in crisis...but thats the time when i feel more invisible..because nothing is going on..i dont know

sigh

well..things are better i guess...im not feeling as hopelesss anymore..still super stressed and just worried but some of the panic is easing...i saw my therapist on tuesday and the first thing she said is that i seemed distressed, shut down in some way..that something was wrong but she couldnt figure out what..which is really shocking..you know..i work so hard to seem ok..and i seem to be failing at that lately..but there is so much going on in my head lately that going just once a week isnt helping as much either ..and i know i really cant afford twice a week..but i wish i could..just when i start to get comfortable talking its time for me to go...and its just hard..im trying to trust her but i dont know..still worried and anxious..i did tell her about the pdoc stuff and that it was upsetting me..because well my pdoc doesnt know that you cant tell me stuff like that..and then just let me leave..because it led to my irrational thinking just going all over the place..and so yeah..

im still feeling hurt about my old t...still sad..but no longer angry..still struggling to feel safe..but the world is not a dark dark unwelcoming place anymore..so i guess ill live some how...i still want to talk to her..i want to see her ..and be in her office..i still want someone to kind of take her place and that wont be happening...that makes me sad...she cant be replaced..but theres nothing to fill the hole she has left..i still struggle to put words into it and make sense of it...i still feel like i was just gotten rid of and i know thats not true..but im trying..

im not going home this weekend and i think that has lessened some of my stress too...im not sorry i cant go home..i honestly cant afford too..and so mommy cant argue with me about it..she cant..but now i know im going to have a quiet weekend here and im ok with that ..i have to clean up and stuff so yeah ...

tonight was a hard night at work...im tired..and stressed out..agitated..we had two girls run away...one came back by herself and one came back with the cops...the first girl though is the one who decided to lie about everything and start cursing me out..now i can deal with a lot of stuff..i can but being cursed at really gets to me..and it gets to me fast..and i tried hard to stay professional..i did..but i called the girl a liar, and got up and stopped talking to her..i asked the other staff to come and talk to her..i couldnt do it..because i know that being cursed at like that is a huge huge issue for me..and i just kind of immediately went into defense mode and needed to get away from her..i was mad..i was very very mad, and felt the need to argue with her, had i kept talking to her it would be been me going to her level and just ugh..i left the office and got the other staff but my agitation was so high, i was about to cry, and had to tell another resident to just not touch me..i couldnt deal with it..one of the therapist in the cottage at the time asked if i was ok..and i said yes..didnt matter that i looked like i was mad, or that i was so close to crying i didnt know what to do with myself..the therapist told me that my face didnt match what i said..but she didnt push me to talk..and i got a few minutes to calm down and collect myself..but i was done..i couldnt deal with anything else .. it was hard tonight..i really did ignore the particular girl for the rest of the night..i didnt talk to her or look at her because im not ready too...i dont want to talk to her..and im having trouble being professional about it..because from a professional stand point i HAVE to talk to her..from just a reg old me stand point..i want to hold a grudge and let her know i dont like her, or trust her, and i dont want to be in the same room as her...but thats being childish isnt it..thats just putting me on her level once again..and so im glad i have a few days to kinda calm down and just try to work my way through all the feelings...but i dont know..it was a struggle tonight..a big big struggle :(

hopeless

things are just very depressing right now..im feeling worried and tired..and stressed out and anxious...i feel like im always going to be this way and nothing can help me..

i saw the pdoc today and talked about the meds and stuff..and shes adding a new one..to see how i handle it and if it helps..i wish i could just make myself happy and then none of this would be an issue..but i cant..i cant do anything it seems ...but im trying effexor..going today to see how much it is going to cost..and if i can get it filled this week...she talked about mood stabilizers and other stuff that could be possibility if i really cant handle the current type of med..and well she also talked about the possibility that she may not be able to help me..just based on her experience and stuff..and i know shes giving me fair warning but its like im just losing everyone right now..and it stresses me out..and my thinking went down hill really fast...irrational or not..
i just feel like i am falling apart..and i really cant be helped

not feeling safe

things have been really hard this week. . had t o see the gyn again and it was really painful..they did the internal ultrasound..and then did a biopsy...both hurt a lot and made me just kinda shut down big time..im waiting for the gyn to call and talk about the biopsy and stuff...but i think the new meds are helping with getting the bleeding to stop..

saw t this week and i dont know...im not feeling safe at all..not in a suicidal way or anything but just in a really broad kinda way..i dont feel safe..i want my old t..i dont know what i want or how to make it better..i realy dont..its tiring ..and its like theres an underlying layer of anxiety that just refuses to go away..