last night..i dont know how to even begin to describe how bad last night was...the day was ok you know...i hung out with heather at her house..i watched tv and got to play online, and ingeneral was ok..i left to go to the movies with yvonne and i know i was a little pissed off that yvonne was late getting to the movie because i hate missing the previews..but i let it go..i was fine in the movie..but once i got into the lobby after the movie was over i started to freak out..it was to crowded..and way to loud..i dont know what i was feeling but i was thinking that i just needed to get out..and i left the lobby as fast as i could...and you know went to my car..i was a little shakey..but nothing horrible..i got in my car and was getting ready to leave and i just flipped out...i couldnt breathe, and i was shakey, and i couldnt calm down..i didnt know what i was supposed to do..yvonne had already left and so i was by myself..ii wanted to go home but couldnt get myself to drive..and ended up turning my car back off and just sitting there..i made myself take deep breaths and it didnt really work for me..i spent almost 2 hours sitting in my car because i couldnt get myself to drive home...the first 45 minutes or so..i was trying hard to calm myself down..i messaged heather a lot and that was helpful..cas she kept asking me questions and stuff..and then i messaged yvonne and asked her to come back because i was still at the movies..and so she came back and sat in my car with me for almost an hour...before i drove home..and even then i wasnt completely calm..but yvonne followed me home, and then stayed home...i laid down and well took my meds for the night and just waited for sleep to come ..i didnt want to think..i didnt want to feel...i wanted to cut and i was really suicidal last night..i told yvonne that it would be better if i wasnt at home alone...i told her some of what was going on while we were in my car..but still i just feel like im falling apart..and more and more stuff is just being added onto my overloaded brain..i cant deal with anything else..and it just feels like i keep having to deal with stuff..
i dont know if it is meds or just an overload of stuff that made me freak out so badly last night...i have never freaked that badly..ive never been unable to drive :( i hated that i needed help..and had to ask for it..i hated that i was almost willing to sleep in my car before asking yvonne to come back..i want to talk to my old t..i dont feel safe at all anymore..but i cant talk to her anymore..and im not sure about contacting the new t just yet...
and to make it all just so much better..im back to bleeding really heavy again..and it hurts and makes me so tired and cranky...but i go back to see the obgyn on tuesday..i hope i make it ...
im going to try to be okay enough for work tomorrow ..but im really not sure..i dont know anything right now
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
things suck
i saw my other therapist yesterday...well now my only therapist..and she picked up on that something was wrong pretty quickly..i told her what happened..and she listened..and she had me do a safety contract thing ..which im not liking very much currently..but i agreed to it..so im just trying to stay busy and all that..its hard..im out of focus with everything..most of the time i dont want to do anything but just lay down and forget i even exist..it hurts to much to think..work was a good distraction yesterday and i have to work today but the weekend is in front of me and i dont really know what to do..im trying hard to just let the feelings happen and not fight them..but its hard and overwhelming to feel so so sad and upset..
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
hurt..hurt
today has been a horrible day...sitting at nias still trying not to cry and trying to hold myself together but its not going so well..i still have to drive home tonight..and im just dont know if i can even make the drive safely right now...thats how out of it i feel..i dont want that many hours alone in the car..i really dont..to much time to think and struggle..and i cant drive if im crying..and i hurt...i think my heart crashed and broke into a million pieces..and it will never ever ever be fixed..it cant be fixed..i dont want to talk to anyone ..or do anything..i want to call in sick to work..i dont want to go see the new linda tomorrow..i dont want to even look at the stupid building where the new linda is..
i saw the old linda today..and it started off ok..it did..but then we talked about stopping again and i didnt want to..i asked her to move to va a million times and she still says nno..and i eventually told her that i was trying to hang on to her cas i would miss her and miss talking to her..but that coming to see her wasnt the same because of course i cant talk about any of the big stuff with her anymore..and that it was just different..and she started to talk about how it seemed like the relationship was turning into more friend than client and therapist..and that it broke all sorts of boundaries for me to keep seeing her without working on anything ..i understand i do..but i told her i understood..and then i started to cry..not like bawling but just started to tear up..and i wouldnt look at her at all..and she kept talking to me and telling me that she would miss me to, and that it was good i was able to identify my feelings and everything..and i tried hard to pull myself together and it wasnt working..cas of course i started thinking i was horrible and would never be able to come back and see her anymore and that she didnt like me..and all this stuff..she asked me if i wanted to make another appt or what i wanted to do and i couldnt even answer..i was trying to control myself so much...eventually i told her that i wasnt going to make an appt to see her..because if i did then i would want to keep seeing her and i cant keep going cas i wouldnt stop..i would want to just keep going..and i cant..and so i just kept starting to cry..and it was bad..she asked if i was crying and i said no..even though i was sitting right in front of her ..and it was pretty obvious that i was crying..and yeah...she asked if it was ok to hug me before i left and i let her..which just meant i started crying even harder..and ended up putting my sunglasses on so that it wasnt obvious i was crying .. over 2 years of seeing her and i never cried..i dont care what we talked aboutt..and today i cried..:( i feel miserable and sad...very very depressed and just not ok..and i have to drive home tonight...i am not ok
i saw the old linda today..and it started off ok..it did..but then we talked about stopping again and i didnt want to..i asked her to move to va a million times and she still says nno..and i eventually told her that i was trying to hang on to her cas i would miss her and miss talking to her..but that coming to see her wasnt the same because of course i cant talk about any of the big stuff with her anymore..and that it was just different..and she started to talk about how it seemed like the relationship was turning into more friend than client and therapist..and that it broke all sorts of boundaries for me to keep seeing her without working on anything ..i understand i do..but i told her i understood..and then i started to cry..not like bawling but just started to tear up..and i wouldnt look at her at all..and she kept talking to me and telling me that she would miss me to, and that it was good i was able to identify my feelings and everything..and i tried hard to pull myself together and it wasnt working..cas of course i started thinking i was horrible and would never be able to come back and see her anymore and that she didnt like me..and all this stuff..she asked me if i wanted to make another appt or what i wanted to do and i couldnt even answer..i was trying to control myself so much...eventually i told her that i wasnt going to make an appt to see her..because if i did then i would want to keep seeing her and i cant keep going cas i wouldnt stop..i would want to just keep going..and i cant..and so i just kept starting to cry..and it was bad..she asked if i was crying and i said no..even though i was sitting right in front of her ..and it was pretty obvious that i was crying..and yeah...she asked if it was ok to hug me before i left and i let her..which just meant i started crying even harder..and ended up putting my sunglasses on so that it wasnt obvious i was crying .. over 2 years of seeing her and i never cried..i dont care what we talked aboutt..and today i cried..:( i feel miserable and sad...very very depressed and just not ok..and i have to drive home tonight...i am not ok
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
i give up!
i need cable in my life..my life isnt complete..i need my distraction back..oh my gosh..ive missed tv so so much ...and wow im like glued to the tv..and just flipping through channels..back and forth and back and forth and so much to watch in so little time..ugh i have to go back to va in a couple days..i cant cram 4 months of no tv into 3 days! my head will explode lol..but really if the internet still isnt working when i get back next week then ill have to figure out how to get it and cable in the house..but gonna have to research it all a bit more..
hmm well im annoyed with riley and harris already and its just because well they have friends over and they are kinda in there own world..i mean in general im just kinda hanging out but yeah..i think im separating from them a bit more..they can manage with me and i can manage with out them..its nice seeing them though..but again things are changing because im not around anymore..im not always seeing them and so it just feels like im losing touch with them i guess ..i dont know...everything is just weird at home..things are different...im different and its just hard to fit back into my neat little box of nothingness..i cant..i wont..i dont know..
not to mention that its snowing! i left va to get away from the snow..and the snow followed me...its actually snowing in wilmington and its sticking! the weather is so weird lately...
went and saw the new percy jackson, the lightening thief...it was ok..i mean i liked it and it was good but i think i need to see it again..greek mythology is really very interesting...but hmm cant decide yet..
but hmm meds are kicking in and i think im gonna start drooling on my keyboard if i dont go and lay down..
hmm well im annoyed with riley and harris already and its just because well they have friends over and they are kinda in there own world..i mean in general im just kinda hanging out but yeah..i think im separating from them a bit more..they can manage with me and i can manage with out them..its nice seeing them though..but again things are changing because im not around anymore..im not always seeing them and so it just feels like im losing touch with them i guess ..i dont know...everything is just weird at home..things are different...im different and its just hard to fit back into my neat little box of nothingness..i cant..i wont..i dont know..
not to mention that its snowing! i left va to get away from the snow..and the snow followed me...its actually snowing in wilmington and its sticking! the weather is so weird lately...
went and saw the new percy jackson, the lightening thief...it was ok..i mean i liked it and it was good but i think i need to see it again..greek mythology is really very interesting...but hmm cant decide yet..
but hmm meds are kicking in and i think im gonna start drooling on my keyboard if i dont go and lay down..
Thursday, February 11, 2010
yesterday was not ok
I have a lot of worries in my head right now…the obgyn visit yesterday has been a big trigger and things are still bothering me a lot..i really do hate that..its not fair…I feel like I was tricked into it ..when I could have said no…but the need to have the bleeding stopped overruled my good sense to get up and leave..had I left Im not sure I would have gone back..so I stayed and had the exam and tried really hard not to cry..why are my feelings hurt? I think I just feel tricked into having the exam..when im the one that went..i was trying..well I am trying a little bit harder to take care of myself..but one thing at a time..and I kept putting off going to the doc for this particular issue and its still an issue..and because I keep bleeding through my clothes some days..i knew it was important to go to the doctor..but I don’t know..i just thought that since I was still bleeding then I wouldn’t get an actual exam..stupid doctors..why are there even doctors for this stuff..ugh..its stupid..and it hurt..and I didn’t like it..and I just want to throw a tantrum and refuse to ever go back again..but I do have to go back in a couple weeks for an ultra sound..and id rather have my teeth pulled..because there are two ways to have an ultra sound and one is incredibly invasive..and well id really rather not..but good grief it will get them to stop looking at me I do the stupid ultra sound..i mean I do want to know whats wrong..but id just rather it could be figured out in a different way….completely my fault for getting myself to believe that I wouldn’t have to have an exam because I was bleeding..darn it..i want to let it go and move on but I cant because I think im still super duper triggered about other things..and I don’t want anyone to touch me at all..and I just want to like hide for a while..i went to work when I left the doc yesterday..which was a lot better than going home and drowning in depression and bad feelings…I don’t like remembering and at least at work I was distracted..but I figured out pretty fast that I didn’t want to be at work and I wasn’t ok..but I stayed because I had to. Because its my job and I needed to stay..but I talked about it a little bit with heather and nia and yvonne..and that helped a little bit..but still im not ok about ..and im trying to keep it together long enough to make it to linda next week..i need to talk to her..because this is one of those times where its getting really bad really fast and I don’t know what to do to stop it..im trying not to cut…its just thoughts now and I feel like a baby for not being able to handle the stupid appointment..i really do..
But on to other things…im super duper tired..and the increase for lexapro isnt doing anything..or helping my mood any…im more tired..but its only been a couple weeks I think..so ill go until I see the pdoc next and hope that she will figure something else out..i know one of the other meds she talked to me about was wellbutrin..but there was another one too..so yeah really need to see her too..
There has been lots of snow here..and im fighting with whether I like it not ..i mean I do love snow…I love how quiet it makes everything seem..but so much snow in such a small amount of time is overwhelming..and it gets in the way of other things..like well work and doc appointments and all that…the need to play in it has lessened..and well all the dirty snow really bothers me..like serious bothering me and I cant figure out why..it just does…and well falling on the ice is a pain in the butt too..but im trying to go home this weekend..i think a change of scenery will be nice..ive been here for a month and a half and I guess I am still adjusting to all the changes..and so im hoping going home for a few days will be helpful…its also helpful that mommy will be at henrys school until Saturday I think and so I don’t even have to see her until Saturday evening sometime…which eases some of the stress of going home..but im hoping the weather will stay clear enough for me to get home, because it is supposed to snow again this weekend…and of course mommy has already told me not to come if the weather is bad…so im trying to keep an eye on the weather reports as much as I can anyway..
Im thinking that if the internet keeps not working then im just going to go ahead and have it installed or something..its really really inconvenient not being able to get online..and its hard to deal with..because I miss my usual people that I talk to, and it makes me lonely, and im worried about my farms :P on facebook..haha yes they are super important..but im trying to find a good deal on cable and internet..and I know I would have to cover the bill for a while which is fine..but I just want to make sure im getting a good deal..but ill work on that next week I hope..if the internet still isnt working..i mean it has been like 4 months of borrowed internet and that I should be thankful for..but now I guess its time to step up and start getting things squared away a bit better in the apartment..once the living is clearer then I think ill go ahead and set all that up.. I miss tv, and just the background noise really…so im hoping ill be able to take care of that soon..
Had a talk with yvonne last night…well yvonne came and had a talk with me and I interjected a few sentences every so often..i think I was a little spaced out and not all together last night but anyway..i think I hurt her feelings ..when I asked heather to go to my appt with me..hmm I didn’t really ask..she offered…but whatever still the same outcome..and then cause of the snow and me freaking out..heather took me and then dropped me off and work..yeah my car didn’t move yesterday..which in retrospect was kinda silly since the roads were cleared..ok off topic…umm so yeah talk..i agree it was one that needed to be had..but as usual I wasn’t expecting it..ive been so caught up in my own world..and I have been a bit more just weird lately..and im always slightly mad at yvonne and im not real sure why..but it just ends up with me kinda staying to myself..and stay bothered by whatever it is…maybe something is bothering me and I just havent figured out what it is yet..i don’t know..i just need to chill out..and calm down..im always on edge and I guess its just kinda drifting into everything im doing or not doing..and I don’t think its helping that I spend so much time alone…and then yvonne comes in and its like shes intruding on my space..and that’s not really fair..i cant claim the entire apartment as mine because im here the most…I think I already have and so I need to work on chilling out with that..so yeah things to work on.not the end of the world..
Hmm guess that’s all I had to talk to..just needed to clear my head a bit..
But on to other things…im super duper tired..and the increase for lexapro isnt doing anything..or helping my mood any…im more tired..but its only been a couple weeks I think..so ill go until I see the pdoc next and hope that she will figure something else out..i know one of the other meds she talked to me about was wellbutrin..but there was another one too..so yeah really need to see her too..
There has been lots of snow here..and im fighting with whether I like it not ..i mean I do love snow…I love how quiet it makes everything seem..but so much snow in such a small amount of time is overwhelming..and it gets in the way of other things..like well work and doc appointments and all that…the need to play in it has lessened..and well all the dirty snow really bothers me..like serious bothering me and I cant figure out why..it just does…and well falling on the ice is a pain in the butt too..but im trying to go home this weekend..i think a change of scenery will be nice..ive been here for a month and a half and I guess I am still adjusting to all the changes..and so im hoping going home for a few days will be helpful…its also helpful that mommy will be at henrys school until Saturday I think and so I don’t even have to see her until Saturday evening sometime…which eases some of the stress of going home..but im hoping the weather will stay clear enough for me to get home, because it is supposed to snow again this weekend…and of course mommy has already told me not to come if the weather is bad…so im trying to keep an eye on the weather reports as much as I can anyway..
Im thinking that if the internet keeps not working then im just going to go ahead and have it installed or something..its really really inconvenient not being able to get online..and its hard to deal with..because I miss my usual people that I talk to, and it makes me lonely, and im worried about my farms :P on facebook..haha yes they are super important..but im trying to find a good deal on cable and internet..and I know I would have to cover the bill for a while which is fine..but I just want to make sure im getting a good deal..but ill work on that next week I hope..if the internet still isnt working..i mean it has been like 4 months of borrowed internet and that I should be thankful for..but now I guess its time to step up and start getting things squared away a bit better in the apartment..once the living is clearer then I think ill go ahead and set all that up.. I miss tv, and just the background noise really…so im hoping ill be able to take care of that soon..
Had a talk with yvonne last night…well yvonne came and had a talk with me and I interjected a few sentences every so often..i think I was a little spaced out and not all together last night but anyway..i think I hurt her feelings ..when I asked heather to go to my appt with me..hmm I didn’t really ask..she offered…but whatever still the same outcome..and then cause of the snow and me freaking out..heather took me and then dropped me off and work..yeah my car didn’t move yesterday..which in retrospect was kinda silly since the roads were cleared..ok off topic…umm so yeah talk..i agree it was one that needed to be had..but as usual I wasn’t expecting it..ive been so caught up in my own world..and I have been a bit more just weird lately..and im always slightly mad at yvonne and im not real sure why..but it just ends up with me kinda staying to myself..and stay bothered by whatever it is…maybe something is bothering me and I just havent figured out what it is yet..i don’t know..i just need to chill out..and calm down..im always on edge and I guess its just kinda drifting into everything im doing or not doing..and I don’t think its helping that I spend so much time alone…and then yvonne comes in and its like shes intruding on my space..and that’s not really fair..i cant claim the entire apartment as mine because im here the most…I think I already have and so I need to work on chilling out with that..so yeah things to work on.not the end of the world..
Hmm guess that’s all I had to talk to..just needed to clear my head a bit..
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
frustrated...
i finally made myself go to the doctor today...and for my trouble i was referred to an ob/gyn ..and that appt is tomorrow afternoon..the doc today today me it may be cysts causing the bleeding but that she wasnt sure and thats why she was referring me...and i understand completely..but i dont WANT to go to the ob/gyn..i really dont...i didnt want to go to the doctor today but the issues with bleeding through everything is causing a big headache in general..and with going home this weekend..i figured i better do it now .. so im trying hard to keep appts and actually go and do what im supposed to be doing ..and im super nervous and scared about it :( ..ugh its been a stressful few days. ..
i am going home this weekend..i really am missing riley and harris..and i think a change of scenery will help my mood a bit..
i am going home this weekend..i really am missing riley and harris..and i think a change of scenery will help my mood a bit..
Thursday, February 04, 2010
sssssssoooooooo
hmm whats been going on....well two big things have happened this week...
1) i got a new computer :) a laptop..it is my first super duper new out of the store laptop and it is awesome! i used part of my tax money on it..and im very glad i did..and im currently struggling a little bit with whether or not i need to tell mommy and i ha ve to constantly reassure myself that its not her business..that it was my choice..and i was responsible and used the rest for catching up with bills and everything..so im proud of myself for that..i got something i wanted big time..and it was all about me and no one else..
2) my shift partner was let go at work..i have to fight myself not to say she was fired but i think she was..i had no warning or anything..i showed up to work on tuesday and was told that she was no longer working there and thats it...i am still sad about it..and worried about her..but im sure she was told to not like talk about it or anything..and i really wish the supervisors or someone would just tell me why it happened :( and no one will..and that part of it is really bothering me a lot..and im just having a hard time with it...
thats all the big stuff for this week though..im worried about work this weekend because it is supposed to snow again and im afraid ill be trapped at home and i have to go to work..snow or no snow..and so im just worried about that..im planning on just putting extra stuff in my car incase i do get stuck over the weekend..trying to plan ahead..
but otherwise things are same old same old..nothing to interesting going on i guess
1) i got a new computer :) a laptop..it is my first super duper new out of the store laptop and it is awesome! i used part of my tax money on it..and im very glad i did..and im currently struggling a little bit with whether or not i need to tell mommy and i ha ve to constantly reassure myself that its not her business..that it was my choice..and i was responsible and used the rest for catching up with bills and everything..so im proud of myself for that..i got something i wanted big time..and it was all about me and no one else..
2) my shift partner was let go at work..i have to fight myself not to say she was fired but i think she was..i had no warning or anything..i showed up to work on tuesday and was told that she was no longer working there and thats it...i am still sad about it..and worried about her..but im sure she was told to not like talk about it or anything..and i really wish the supervisors or someone would just tell me why it happened :( and no one will..and that part of it is really bothering me a lot..and im just having a hard time with it...
thats all the big stuff for this week though..im worried about work this weekend because it is supposed to snow again and im afraid ill be trapped at home and i have to go to work..snow or no snow..and so im just worried about that..im planning on just putting extra stuff in my car incase i do get stuck over the weekend..trying to plan ahead..
but otherwise things are same old same old..nothing to interesting going on i guess
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