whats going on...

hmm i should write...but i keep putting it off..i want to write though..i always want to write because i have to get things out of my head...

i have become more guarded though..with everyone ..and i know a lot of it has to do with the fact that i was at home so long..and that i had to be careful always of what i said or didnt say. it doesnt help that i forget so much stuff, and then of course having mommy swear ive said or done something that i dont remember..but its just hard to let go of that need to keep things to myself...yvonne is right in that im not talking to her as much as i used to..and its not really anything to do with her as like a roommate or anything..im just really needing to ..well im feeling the need to just be quiet..very quiet..and i know its bordering on being incredibly isolating and depressing..and i should know better..but things are still to new..im still adjusting i think to the move and all that..and so all i have to comfort myself is silence or well all the stuff i shouldnt be doing..im going to try hard to talk about all this with linda though..cas im doing it with her too..and struggling so much makes me want the old linda and not the new one...but the old linda isnt the same anymore since moving..and the comfort of telling her stuff is slipping..because like she told me there is no followup...i cant get to her anymore..and that makes me really really sad..and the new linda is trying and im certainly not making it easy on her..but im also not trying as hard as i could be with therapy..and i know that ..i read this article the other day about blocks with therapy and i still have more than im comfortable admitting..and i use them all the time..when am i going to get the picture that showing up is not enough to make all this stuff better...and neither is glossing over all the old stuff or not talking about...its all the old stuff thats affecting me..its all the old pain and hurt and shame and guilt that i go out of my way to ignore..that makes me soooooo hard to deal with..i want to make excuses ..i really do..but thats all they would be ...excuses..i need to try harder..i need to care more...even after all these years i still see suicide as an answer to everything..and now with stoping and starting meds i have more means to act on those thoughts if i wanted to..but ive had the thoughts for so long that i can think or not think about them as i need to..tthey are just there..and i can either work around them or focus way to much on them..im gotten pretty good at working around them though..i guess...i am more comfortable talking to the pdoc though..shes ok i guess ..shes careful not to give me to many meds at once..so kudos to her..cas if i had it my way id prolly just take everything and be so out of it all i could do was sleep...that would be nice..which lets me know that underneath things im still feeling super depressed..

it is hard..all of it..some things i try to work on..most i dont..most i just hope will magically get better if i ignore it long enough..which is prolly why i seemed to forget all those coping skills i had to do last year to keep myself from dying..they seem so silly and not important right now..and i forget to use them until its to late..after the fact i beat myself up for not trying harder..for giving in..for giving up..and theres just some point the in whole circle that i keep missing..and so i keep just staying stuck and annoyed and sad with all of it..my chest doesnt hurt anymore..but the urges are still there.. i thought about finding my hidden razors the other night and didnt do it..all the willpower i could dig up had to go towards not cutting because i think i would have the other night and i dont even remember why...those thoughts are still very vvery overwhelming..and it sucks

the new linda asked me something during the last session and asked me to think about it...something about why working with the girls triggers me...hmm no maybe im implying what the question should have been..it was something along those lines though..rats for forgetting..but working with the girls is really hard for me..harder than i ever imagined it would be..and maybe thats way im questioning if this is the right job for me..right now..yeah its experince..yeah its a job..but i dont think i like residental very much..i know im not planning on staying for to long at this job though..i want to stay for now though..to learn and try and because in general i do like the group..im trying to be okay with the possibilty that thsi may not be the right job for me..and trying to be ok with that too...but i think the biggest thing is just that their need for attention, to be noticed, loved, accpeted..clashes with my need for the same things...i cant get that from the girls and i think i try to some times..i like when they say they miss me or that im nice or their favorite...those are nice things and i love hearing them..but at the same time im supposed to be there to make sure they are ok and working on there stuff..i cant keep letting my stuff come up and get in the way...and so then i turn and go and do stuff i should do because then it means ill tell and someone will care enough to ask if im ok..and notice me..which is really interesting because i hate being looked at and noticed but i want it all the same..i keep trying to have it both ways and it doesnt work like that..being with the girls does bring up my own issues..a lot more than i like..unresolved stuff i think linda mentioned..and i wanted to tell her that all i have is unresolved stuff...oh now i remember..she asked why i shut down after she asked me that question..she said it looked like a lightbulb went off and then i shut it all down and didnt say anything..i know my immediate response to her question had been along the lines of all of it is reseolved issues..which i thought and did not say..and just as quickly i stopped it..i didnt stop thinking..i stopped responding..a defense mechanism im sure..and im sure that most people would not even notice i was doing it..but linda saw it..and questioned it..but also gave me time to think about it..and it was annoying i guess...i told her i would think about it but had no real intention of doing that..i wanted to forget it..i didnt want her to know..but if i dont let her know ill be working on all this same stuff for forever..and i dont want that either..im not sure about the thoughts that happened that lead to me just kinda shutting down..i dont think i paymuch attention to them..umm i started thinking that it was bad, that i needed to be quiet..that she was just getting to close and so i had to stop responding to her..i needed to go away in some way..move back i guess..which i cant do physically..but in my head its a completely different area..and i can do what i want..i can hear or not hear..i can move back and forth..i can just go away..and hide behind answers that give nothing away..because i still have a hard time telling my secrets..i still feel like ill be in so so much trouble for telling..i also noticed the way her voice changes when she wants me to really get something..i forget what i asked her ..but she voice tone changed big time..and i have to fight myself not to respond to it..both lindas do that..they can go from normal to soothing depending on the subject..and i have to pay more attention..because it draws me in and i feel like i cant let that happen for some reason..why would anyone care about me or what happens to me..because if i really truly wanted to die no one would be able to stop me..and that thinking makes me feel super duper guilty..im not suicidal..really im not..but the thoughts are there always..and i worry about the promises i make to stay alive..to keep fighting all this stuff that seems like its not changing at all..its not fair .. i want to be better..i do..but puting the effort into dealing with everything may kill me by itself..facing the truth is not an easy thing at all..and denial has been mmy best friend for so long i cant seem to live without it...depending on the new linda to keep me alive is a control that i cant seem to give up..i have to have the control..i dont want anyone else controlling me..but me having this specific control is going to get me killed..because its all about how far i can push myself before i die without anyone catching on...if im not telling her or yvonne or anyone that im really suicidal or really depressed..then i cant expect them to help..sometimes im not even sure if i want them to help..admitting that something is wrong borders on being a secret...i just kinda toe the line and tell just enough to let them know ..but its the details i leave out..and i just outright lie in some cases...not telling is lying..saying im okay when i know without a doubt that im going to cut is lying...but ive been so used to it being ok..that showing im ok is enough to be left alone..im not supposed to crack under the pressure..which i guess is way i got so good at hiding all the bad thoughts..all the scars..people see what they want to see i guess..and im not noticable enough to even warrant that kind of attention...thats what the big difference in between the girls in my group and me..i didnt act out like they did, and thats why i never ended up in a residental place..i wasnt a problem..i was the most helpful, quiet, shy kid imaginable..and so no one bothered to question me..there were a few slip ups that got me into a hell of a lot of trouble..and lying was the way out of them..after swearing to be good, swearing to say what i was told to say..smiling and doing what was expected of me..and no one cared..i played my part to well..i lived and breathed the lies of my childhood until i believed them ..and called everyone else a liar..but now..little bits of truth push through and i cant believe them..im afraid to believe them..my little bubble of safety has been popped and im alone trying to deal with myself..half truths, and lies dont make for a very good story at all..its all or nothing i guess..and right now i have nothing to go on..little pieces of memories do not calm my fears..because what i remember is what scares me into silence..and then i go back to pretending..to hoping im wrong..to not being able to look in the mirror because of how i judge myself..and then i cant look at anyone else because i feel like ill die from shame and guilt..because i dont want to be judged or looked at or noticed..i dont want to have to talk and bring the focus on myself..i just want to slip through and get out..i want to go back to being able to hide..but i cant even get there anymore because im not supposed to cut..the calmness..the nothingness ..i cant have that anymore..

hmm well guess im just being super depressing right now..and i really didnt know so much was on my mind today..the solitude makes me reflective..and puts me in a questioning mood i guess..

so ill write about something else for a little while

the snow is awesome..dusti is confused by it..which is really funny..she spends most of the day sitting in the window just watching and listening to the water dripping..

im feeling better...sick wise anyway..im trying to stay on top of taking all the cold meds and what not..but i still have to go to the doc next week :( not fun at all..hmm oh meds were increased last week...instead of adding anything new..she just upped the lexapro and trazodone for now...with the possibilty of adding wellbutron next month if the increase wasnt helping...i need to research that drug a little bit and see what its all about..i dont mind trying it..but i think the lexapro increase is clearing my head a little bit..maybe it will help with my current never ending foul mood with everyone..im not trying to be mean..but im just always pissed off lately when im not by myself..so yeah..

guess that is all though..im tired now..very very tired...

ive been entertaining myself the past day or so with watching tv online..im currently watching season 1 of the l word...its an interesting show..a bit embarrassing for me with some scenes but the show itself is actually pretty good

snow pictures

:)

dusti is not a fan of the snow lol and the water dripping from the roof is not pleasing her !

struggling

therapy is becoming a big big struggle..i want to talk but cant..im worried very much about being in trouble..being caught..old stuff that i know is completely illogical and not going to happen..but its enough to make me anxious and not want to do anything at all for linda...fear is a big big issue for me :( and im not sure what to do about it

once again feeling sorry for myself

i am once again struggling with myself..and wanting to just yell and scream and cry right now...its so easy to fall back into bad habits..so disappointing how easily i seem to forget all my coping skills..all my things im supposed to do inorder to stay calm and sane..and im not doing anything of them..and instead i keep doing all the stuff i shouldnt do..and i feel so stupid..and worn out from worrying about it all..right now im not feeling good..my throat hurts..my head hurts..and i cant even get up the energy to get up and move to take my sleep meds..cas im afraid to move..im afraid ill be sick again..i told myself over and over that i just felt sick and so throwing up was an accident.i was just helping along what was going to happen anyway...its been so long..i was doing so good and its like the more out of control things feel..the more i want to go back to my comfort zones..i want back the things that hurt and make me feel less crazy..but thats not true..i miight feel less crazy but the acts alone make me 'more' crazy..its the acts i have to live with and deal with..the guilt and sad feelings..the beating myself up and thinking over and over that i should have odne better..i should have tried harder..im so stupid ..and it all seems pointless right now..i do want to cry..i want to do something and i finally had to give in and write because my thoughts were not stopping or slowing down..i was distracted..i am distracted and upset with myself..and i feel miserable and that makes me feel so much worse..i dont want to do this anymore..i hate struggling to much..and i realize that the work stuff is adding fuel to the fire of sorts ...work is out of my control is most ways..but once im at home needing to have control goes overboard..im back to waiting to just forget everything to not think or deal with anything anymore...im just tired..and feeling really hopeless...maybe thats what it is..it all seems hopeless cas its never going to really stop..whats the point in even trying...

just...i dont know

i was thinking yesterday about how people just take it for granted that ill always be there to help, to talk to, to do something with..and maybe im juts kinda relating it yvonne the most right now because she does have her own life and i guess im just jealous that she does. she goes out the friends and hangs out and everything, and sometimes she asks if i want to go and sometimes not..most of the time i chose not to go..but then its like she gets busy and im busy and we kinda just dont see each other for a few days..and then she comes back and wants to do something and i may not want to be bothered at all..and i feel bad about it..but at the same time i get annoyed too..everyone just always seems to want me when its convinent for them..and i think i just get stuck waiting..and hoping that ill be needed...and i know that i should go out and make friends of my own, and find my own things to do..but i get scared even thinking about that..yvonne is safe and so i think im more content waiting for her to remember me i guess...but meeting someone new and having to talk and interact and have my weird work schedule..is really hard for me ..which makes this whole thing pointless..but guess i just needed to get that out of me head ..

made it through the weekend with work...and today im juts soooo tired and worn out..i think all the stress and worrying about work is really tiring me out...im doing my best..and im working hard to be more observant and see who is where..but today im tired..and just feeling i dont know sad..depressed..alone..i keep telling myself that i need to get up and go out and do something..i need to run errands..and i cant even convince myself to get up and get dressed..i just want to lay here and do nothing..i want to go back to sleep actually..but getting up would be good..i can go and get lunch and get some fresh air or something..anything..cas staying inside all day will just end up making the depression worse..and i dont want that...

nervous...

really nervous about work today...just agitated and i keep thinking about it and worrying and trying to figure out how exactly i want to do things..im nervous for my shift partner..and well she has a meeting today and is super worried about if she will be fired or not..and theres not much i can do but wait with her and see what happens..but im also super nervous about the weekend without her..and how that will play out...so a lot going on in my head ... i did email linda yesterday and asked her to call me...and im trying hard to keep writing about all my thoughts and stuff cas i think i really need to keep talking about it and ill have to bring it up with the new linda on tuesday next week..im constantly reminding myself to take it a day at a time because worrying so much is really just driving me crazy..but i keep worrying and ugh..

my sinuses are a pain right now..but finally went and bought some meds yesterday..made myself go out a couple times yesterday so that i wouldnt isloate myself and just feel sorry for myself..so i went out..and still felt super sorry for myself but at least i was doing it away from home, and was still able to distract myself a bit moree..

other than that the usual stress and what not is going on..thinking im having super weird dreams but i never remember them anymore..i see the pdoc next week and i think i want to try another antidepressant..dont know which one..but will see..and figure it out with her..

worked on my taxes yesterday and got most of that stress out of the way..

mmm dont know what else to talk about..really not feeling good but just gonna have to relax as much as i can before work today..

things are just not good at all on the job front

today...today has been a really depressing day...therapy was hard and really rather triggering of some old things about relationships..and mommy and how they are just unequal..and it was hard..but i told her about the horrible time with the eye contact thing and how hard it was .. and she agreed to stop looking at me for little bits of time while im with her and letting me talk..it takes some of the anxiety off if i know shes not looking at me and was able to talk a little better with her..but still left really sad and out of it :(

and then i went to work and things kinda hit rock bottom after a few hours...i sat through the team meeting because its wednesday..and team is always on wed..but then my supervisor let me know that she needed to talk to me..and then made me wait for a couple hours before actually talking to me..so my anxiety was already up by the time i made it into her office...and come to find out the talk was about all that has been going on in the cottage..and how im doing..and to make a long depressing story short..i got a warning..:( ..about how im working and what i need to improve on..because im letting things slip up and kinda being sucked into agreeing to stuff that my shift partner wants to do..and i know i have to be responsible for my shift but i really just wanted to sit there and yell that it wasnt my fault :( it was hard to sit there and accept the criticism..it was hard to sit there and just kinda take it for what it was...i guess my supervisor was being as helpful as she could be..but i dont take criticism well and so its hard...by the end i was getting teary and had to really fight myself not to cry in her office...im trying to be as positive as i can about it..because well my job hangs in the balance..but then the negative thoughts still creep in because it is a big big deal..and im really unsure of myself right now..and having a lot of doubts about my job and everything..and being realistic i have to wonder if this is the right type of job for me :( maybe im not ready to tackle residential kids..and i tried and just couldnt deal with it..but i wonder will i be ok with it if i was fired and how that would affect me..maybe im trying to take on to much right now with the kids in the group and my own stuff..but i want my job..i really do...im learning and all that..and i know im not perfect and i know i have a lot of areas for improvement..but if i dont improve i will lose my job ..and then where will i be..?! ..im stuck in worse case scenario right now :'( and its really scaring me..i know i can only do my best and if its not for me its not for me but i feel like a big failure right now..i cant even do my job..and my shift partner is possibly looking at losing her job and i feel like its my fault..and im just confused and sad and upset...i know im being given the chance to prove that i can do this..that i can take the criticism and fix the things i can..but im still scared..and anxious..i dont like having my supervisor tell me that she doesnt feel safe leaving my shift partner and i with the girls..i really dont..because i dont want to do anything to hurt the girls but my trying to overly nice and compensating is just leading me into trouble..i have so much to work on ..its overwhelming :( ..its like sitting and again hearing a list of just everything i have done wrong ..and its hard...

im just sad..what will i tell mommy if i lost my job? she would kill me...
i just dont know anything right now
im really very depressing right now..so ill stop.

pathetic ..

ive been sitting here for a while doing nothing worth mentioning..just thinking about everything and nothing and getting no where with it..i wish i could process what was going on in my head but i cant..to many thoughts of everything and nothing and it just gets confusing..i want my old t..not the new one..and im not even sure where to go with that line of thinking because i know its not the same anymore and thats not helping all the current sad feelings..actually ive just been sitting here feeling pathetic and sorry for myself and upset and sick and not many happy feelings..just a general im screwing everything up feelings/thoughts..i just dont know what to do with myself today ..lots of bad bad thinking today..its tiring

struggling with keeping silent

It was a hard day yesterday, disappointing in so many ways. Now I know what it is about the girls in the group that rub me the wrong way when they are all over the place like last night. I would never use my past as a way to make my behaviors now okay. I would never treat anyone with the amount of disrespect that they use with staff there. I dealt with a lot growing up and I am not dimishing there issues or struggles at all, but being hurt doesnt give them or anyone else to right to treat another person like shit. Its not fair, especially when I have done nothing to them. I do not make excuses, I do not use therapy, or cutting, or anything else I struggle with as a way to get over, as a way to acheieve some goal of proving I can get away with anything I want. It is not fair at all, and I do not like it. They are not getting the big picture at all, and they can sit there and point out someone elses behavior and then blame there behavior on the fact that they are in treatment. It makes me mad, and bothers me because they wont be in treatment for forever, they will have to rejoin the real world, and they cant deal with it. They are going to end up just getting themselves in a whole lot of trouble with how they treat people.

and so when one of the girls last night asked me about my attitude i let het know I was dissapointed and upset..and that their behavior had been unacceptable..its like they think there behaviors just disappear..like they can act like the biggest jerks imaginable and then conviently forget about it when it suits them..i dont forget or forgive that quickly..i dont care who it is..yes ill be at work on monday.. and yeah ill have to interact with all the girls..but there is nothing written that says i have to like them..and right now there are 2 that im really not liking..because they know better, because they are just trying to get over .. and because they are being so so so selfish.not once did they consider the outcome of there actions..not once and thats what pisses me off about it..because theres the entire group tothink about..not just the two of them..and ugh..i was mad..i am mad..disappointed upset..all of it..the inabilty to let the anger go makes me question my job a lot right now..and again its one of those do react or do anything while so upset because then ill regret it..and its been 3 months..and there have been a lot of weeks where things were not like this..but the past week and then this week its like they are just off the wall and it sucks..i know it wont last but its stressing me out..

i dont know what i need to do right now..i really dont

feeling stupid..

work was hard today ..on a professional/emotional level..cas today was the first real 'issue' with me that was brought up today..and it was about me and my shift partner..and so it was hard to sit and listen and be tod that there will be 'more talks' about how we are supervising the kids i thought i had been doing a pretty good job with it..cas it always feels like im watching them and constantly counting and checking on who is where..and it was hard not to be ddefensive with it..and im just worried about what will happen...the whole worst case scenario type thinking..and its hard not knowing what will happen..i mean i dont think ill be fired but im scared that i will be ..and i know its just anxiety that is getting the best of me..but that doesnt help the anxiety at all ..and i know im stuck waiting it out for now..but just feeling overwhelmed iwth it..tried to be an adult but it bothered me alot and i just wanted to be by myself and cry..but that couldnt happen..and so i had to apoligize for some things from the weekend..my shift partner did also..and it was hard..i feel stupid..and the team meeting today made me feel even stupider..because the girls are becoming more and more sneaky..and i just feel like im falling into some of the manipulations without meaning to..cas i want the acceptance and love just as much as they do and so they are doing things and im not picking up on them..and then having it spelled out for me makes me question EVERYTHING and its a lot..i dont mean to fall for it..but ive never had it all pointed out to me either..and its hard..because im really not picking up on it all the time..and it feels like i need to just step back and relook at all the girls in the group..it makes me nervous..and my supervisor and the director both gave me the same info on grooming behaviors and i read a little bit of it..and my biggest question is 'what exactly is the difference between emotional grooming and emotional abuse?' it looks/sounds the same to me but there is a difference somewhere...the same way i read the descriptions and its like i know this..ive been told this..and it was for the same result..cas im getting that grooming either kid to kid or adult to kid ends up for the same result..someone has to get the power and control and someone else ends up being hurt and trying to please and believing all these lies and its just hard and so so confusing...i know im learning and im still new but im bothered that i dont know some of this stuff..


-addition--

guess writing out the feelings got it out and ive calmed down..still feeling really sad and off in some way..but at the same time i know that its not the end of the world..it just feels like it i can get through this..i can be an adult and professional..i said my apoligizes and now all i can do is wait it out and see what else will happen..but in the mean time ill just have to work harder to prove that im doing my job..that i can deal with the girls..that i can be there and do what i have to do..easier said than done but im not going to give up..i like my job..and its just interesting you know how its the staff thats responsible for the gilrs being all off the wall ..thats the part of all of it i dont like..because when my supervisor talks about it, its like its something that me and my shift partner are doing wrong..something that we arent paying attention to, and the feeling i get is that we are not good enough and the other sets of staff are perfect and all the 'bad' stuff happens when im working..and i dont think thats fair either..yeah most of the other staff have been there for a lot longer than me or my shift partner has..but its not fair either to dump all the bad things on us when its not true...the other shifts have trouble too..and its not like every day something is going on..but those days dont count you know..its just the days when stressful stuff happens that we are noticed and things are commented on...but when things are fine and the girls are just there usual selfs then its not important for them to say good job or something...im not looking for praise or anything you know..i can do my job either way..but some positive acknowledgement would be nice...my shift partner was talking about that particular thing the other night and i didnt think i agreed with her..but maybe i do..but no ..i wont give up..that would be silly...its one strike ..thats all...it means ill be watched a bit more closely..it means ill have to work a bit harder at proving i belong there..that i can do the job..thats all..i can and will move on..


im calm...im collected... i can do this

im really am calmer..just still sad though..the bravado is gone for now i guess..but all the current work issues aside im tired...meds are startign to work i think .. bed ..and sleep and nothingness soon..been messing with itunes tonight and cleaning up my ipod..its full and needs to have some of the music taken off..really truly annoyed with mommy but thats not going way anytime soon...but no more lending..stupid thing to do..but just focusing on getting through the week. well getting through tomorrow..and then i can relax for 3 whole days..!

just thinking

something has been bothering me and i guess i know what it is now..im feeling lost about what im doing..the holidays are over and its back to work, or school, or whatever ppl are doing and it feels like im not doing anything..im working full time but it doesnt really feel like i am..im trying to get myself together but that motivation comes and goes..and i dont know .. i still feel like i should be doing so much more but i cant deal with anything else right now..ive been thinking about grad school and feeling jealous that i havent gone back yet and everyone else has ..and that is a bunch of bs..not everyone in the world goes to grad school and i know trying to go now would be a waste because i couldnt deal with it..but i keep telling myself i want a couple more years..i want a little more time..and then ill go back..the only thing that hasnt changed is that i do want to go back to grad school..i really do..i just cant pin point a time...and now im in va and theres a college really close to me that i could apply to of course..but not now..i need to get myself together before i tackle that stress.and im not ready to yet..i know im not..but that doesnt stop me from feeling like im lacking in some way..that ive ssettled for something less than everyone else..that ive given up i guess and i havent..i dont think..im trying hard to do what i know is best for me..and that worries me i think..im trying to give myself a break on a lot of things and really i just end up not thinking about them..but i guess thats better than making myself take on to much stuff or something...

but on to other things..im tired..of course..but i think im catching a cold..i really dont feel good today..right now..i justwant to lay in bed and not move..and so ill have to remind myself that i can do that all weekend..just gotta get through a couple days of work..

the more i think about it..the more i do want to go vegetarian again..which annoys the crap out of me..but im waiting because i have to be sure im not doing it for mommys benefit..i really do..

same old pressures

all the distractions aside..i showed up for therapy right on time..i was worried i would be late..but made it...was a frustrating session..i am being stubborn over really small issues and refusing to give in or agree to do what she is asking me to do..and it really doesnt make sense..its not the end of the world..but the world may end before i give in type thinking with her today..maybe i really did have somethign to talk about and since we didnt talk about it i refuse to do anything for her no i really really dont make sense at all.. but it was nice to see her...wish i was being/feeling a bit less stubborn about things..ugh..really need to get my head together and come to terms with some things...

mommy is pushing for me to become a vegetarian again..and its like shes slowly wearing me down on that issue...the topic for the day with her was..'its a new year, have you cut down yet'.. because that is what i want to spend all my time thinking about..food..dieting..etc..etc..etc..stupid..thats all i need you know..ive been worrying about it alot anyway..food and stuff lately..but having it constantly thrown at me that i 'should' be dieting makes me anxious..i should be doing a lot of things that im not currently doing and its just hard i guess...its either all or nothing..cant be a part time vegetarian..really what would it matter..i mean yes it has its benefits..yes it is a bit healthier..yes i could do it again..3rd times the charm...but do i want to do it? thats the part i cant agree on...no..yes...maybe..i dont know..its not even a question of if i could do it..ive already done it..ive done it more than once..-sigh- i just dont know..it makes me feel bad that i cant even make up my mind on something so simple ..but eating is not a simple thing at all..its not..its hard and overwhelming and involves a lot of thought and planning and patience..so no i dont know what im gonna do about it..geez maybe vegetarian is the happy medium for me..give me a break from eating and all that..and it would give me time and space needed to kinda figure out what i do what to do instead of heading back into binging and purging or not eating..why do things have to be so hard...

work tomorrow and thursday..and then the weekend off..a nice long and boring break..thats what i want..i had to take a break from reading today...to many books crammed in yesterday..my head was spinning trying to process so many different stories..so today has been video game day...almost beat kingdom hearts..but still have a bit to go before i really beat it..

and now im tired..and sleepy and a bit stuffy lol..not sure if its sinus's or the meds still..cas one of the side effects for trazodone is congestion..and eevery morning these days i wake up super congested..but im guessing its a mix of being slightly sick and the meds...i think im feeling a bit better without the cymbalta...calmer in a lot of ways..i think ..and the next pdoc appt is at the end of january..so there will be changes then i think..maybe will try something different again and see how it goes..

doubt...

if anything else happens at work this week i may need to be committed :( ... you know it makes me sad that one of the girls in my group told me that im different..that i dont smile anymore..have i become that out of it? that depressed? im hoping it was just the meds messing with me..but no i think the depression is back..im sadder..quieter..different..today was hell..plain and simple..im tired..im worn out from this week..im drained and theres nothing left to give..there was a fight in the group today..between two ggirls..the victim was pulled backwards out of her chair by her hair..hit and scratched and pucnhed and the poor girl didnt fight back...the other girl ended up being restrained by me..one of the residents grabbed her first but then i was there and asked the resident to let her peer go and then i had to restrain her..and move her..and let her calm down..the girl she attacked was hurt..the director of the program spent 2 hours sitting in the office with us trying to get this girl to talk..about why..why she did it..she had been starting to walk away..she had been doing the right thing and then she just snapped..and turned around and started hitting the other girl.it was bad..the rest of the group was shocked..i was in the room but not near enough to them to break them apart first..i think everyone was shocked ..everyone stopped and just kinda looked..and then we reacted...thinking back on it now..there is so much that could have happened..it should have been avoided..you know..i should have moved faster..i should have been closer..i shouldnt have been distracted with another resident..im worried now..wondering if i did all i could ..was there something i missed..was there something i forgot to do...i was at such a loss..i hate restraining and this is the first time ive had to restrain a kid in almost 3 years..and it hasnt gotten better being forced to hold a kid to stop them from hurting themselves or someone else..there isnt :( im worried im not doing my job..that the fight is a direct reflection on me..but i was there..i saw it..i did what i could..but i still think i should have done more.. i dont like it..and this all happens after having run aways, and room searches, and all kinds of drama this week..so im just tired..very very tired..

im annoyed big time..that i loaned mommy money..and now im broke..beyond broke until i get paid again..and so im worrying..trying to figure it all out..trying to figure out what i need to do..and im stuck..i cant do a damn thing until i get paid again and it makes me so so mad..im lucky i put away money for therapy next week or i wouldnt be able to go..i barely have enough to cover meds and everything and its still going to screw my account up..no more loaning money..i cant..not until things are more in order and stable..im still playing catch up and it sucks..im sick of just getting by..i am..

surprisingly i dont want to cut right now..i want to sleep for a month but i dont want to cut...i had a bad dream last night..about nia getting married and i was wearing a sleeveless dress but i had the new cuts on my arm and i couldnt wear it..i messed up the wedding..it was not a good dream...i think i had a couple bad dreams last night..

-sigh-

i can do this..i can make it to monday..i have noo choice but to make it to monday ..

stress at work ...

work has been super stressful this week..we have had girls run away and they are all becoming way more sneaking and just ugh..a lot of arguing and yelling and hard things ... we have 10 girls in the group now..and there is always something going on..


there is something about yesterday that is really really bothering me..with so many girls in the group now we had the director come and talk to us about some of the behaviors..and maybe that is why im feeling so stupid...juts about all the girls have SA in there history..i knew that..but they are all starting to show 'grooming' behaviors..and that im just not understanding at all..im not getting how and why its going on..and i think ive been on the receving end of a couple attempts at grooming from the kids and i didnt even know or realize it..and its juts like little comments, or touching without asking..and i know my boundaries with them arent the firmest..but just the conversation yesterday is really bothering me because im not getting it.. but then i feel disappointed becase its one of the older girls that are kinda playing the younger girls for fools..and all that was learned yesterday is making me step back and relook at the girls..and i dont want to judge them because i know they are caught in this huge cycle of hurt and love and not knowing how to just be friends..but they are in a way preying on each other..trying to fullfill some need to dominate and hurt and its bothering me in a really big way..maybe ive juts been super naive but im feeling really manipulated by some of them..and i shouldnt i dont think..i dont know.. i need time to process and think through it but one day is not enough ..i have to be with them all weekend and im afraid my hurt feelings arent going to go away that quickly... i cant even tell if im taking it to personally and that makes me a little afraid to approach my supervisor about my concerns..i dont want to be told again not to take it personally ..i dont

im just worried..and on edge and really really confused

cut ttoday..
i should feelworse about it than i do ..

not ok

i dont know what to do right now..i dont know whats going on with us at all i know ive been tired today cas of how late we were last night..but today i dont know..i mean i got off work and my mood immediately fell big time i mean i was big time not ok..lots of bad thoughts and lots of rage and anger...and it was kinda directed at yvonnes absence..but it wasnt really about her you know..its just she ended up being the target in a way..but she wasnt here thankfully when i came home..and that just made me even more mad! i couldnt win for losing today..and then she came home and we were gonna go to be a move but the later it got the more i wasnt ok an the bad thoughts just kept getting worse ...it took a lot of energy to even talk to yvonne..i couldnt talk..i didnt want to talk..i was overwhelmed and not ok and sad and ready to cry all at once..i think i was suicidal at some point but i dont know..i almost told yvonne that i was suicidal a little bit and didnt because i didnt want her to know..i did tell her i was sorry for taking out my bad mood on her..mood lifted a little bit when she took us out for ice cream..and then we came home and we are alone again..and im not real sure about any of it right now throw in issues with food and not feeling good and im just one big ball of fun right now

Officially 2010!!!

wow

happy new year!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i realy really hope 2010 is an awesome awesome year! good things to come . i hope for good things to come !