today..thanksgiving

im ok

feeling a bit more focused now..and was cleaning up a little bit...made it to work and it was actually really nice..three of the 7 girls were there today and so it was really really nice! made dinner and it turned out good..did some of the girls hair..and just kinda in general chilled out with them..

came home and was to tired to really make any more food ..except then like four hours later decided i did want food and started cooking some stuff..so yeah lol..but then had 2 bananas and a brownie with ice cream and dont want the food anymore ^o) but i dont know..something about sweet potatoes that smells like thanksgiving to me lol...so yeah..

when i first got home from work i was starting to feel really sad and down..ok depressed .. and it was wanting to cut depression :( read a book...and just kinda stared and forgot where i was in a way..didnt want to be bothered..and well yvonne came home but had plans to go out and that made me madder ..ugh..but finally got out of bed after her and her bf left and started playing games online..and then wanted food and so that led to cleaning up..and now feeling more ok..more focused..but still really tired.. taking a break right not though because my back is hurting a little bit..so just kinda wasting a bit of time before doing anything else..

but yes..feeling better..and thats good...3 more days of work and then off! cant wait..

and tomorrow i get to take some of the girls to the movies..dont know what we are going to see but it should be a nice get away

-sigh-

tired
work
more work
i really just want to sleep right now and i dont have the time


but at least its not a rainy thanksgiving

....

just..all of it makes me so tired :(

thats all

...

made it home safe and sound ..well to my sisters...going home today at some point

going home :(

its upsetting though..that the fear of going home is still there..that im still afraid and pressured to be at home and to be good i guess...i have to portray that im good and fine and happy, that i love being here and everything is working out great..im not allowed to be anything else at home..i hate the shifts it causes inside..just to be at home and to be ok enough to get through being at home..its only 3 days.you would think from the anxiety and stress that i was going home forever :'( :snoopy i hate that i need help just to be at home for 3 days..i just hate all of it right now..im sorry i said i would be home because now im just freaking out about it..so many expectations that i cant liive up to but i keep trying to..ive been pretty low key with dealing with myself lately but within the past couple hours..some pretty mean things are back in the head and its like i have to be not confident about anything to go home..just to prepare to be told that i cant do anything right..that i should be doing so much more..that im not living up to expectations well enough..i need to try harder..i need to work harder and do more..prove i am capable to live on my own..im not good enough ok i know that..but going home means that i have to live it..i go back to judging everything there is to judge about myself..what i wear, i what eat, what i have..what i need to do..what i should be doing..im not trying hard enough, i need to be happier.. i should be all of this stuff that im not and its like ive failed before i even get anywhere...im depressed before i even make it out of the house to go home..and then i have an entire 4 hour drive to think and worry and stress about all of it before i even get home.its like if i can make myself feel bad enough before i even get to mommy then whatever she does wont be able to hurt that much..i am better at it than her..ive had loads of time to practice what works and doesnt work for making me feel horrible..and i know how to get it started but its much harder to turn it back off and leave it alone when im not around mommy..i dont want to be reminded that im not good enough or that im bad or flawed in some way..it makes me tired..and i dont know..because its just i know i shouldnt do it..let myself get caught in the cycle of being so mean to myself..i know i shouldnt..i know ways to avoid it..but as soon as its started in conjunction with going home..the rules change and it doesnt matter what i do to myself as long as i keep up the idea that im fine and great and happy..no room for sadness or fear..there just isnt..its like being able to turn on a light swtich in my head whenever i need something to change or something to happen..cas ill freak out until i actually get home and then its like a huge game starts and i have to refigure out the rules before im killed..maybe not killed but its not like im the best at judging how far i can let things go before i start pulling back from myself...thats all it is..a game that has to be figured out..its not about winning even..its back surviving long enough to get out again..3 days is an eternity at home.. a lot can be said in 3 days..and not much of it will be good if its coming from mommy..being able to sink back into kid mode is not always a good thing..it really isnt..

jls

just...the usual

im supposed to be going home today..and i am..but i dont want to..and so there is a lot of fighting i guess going on about going home and when and why..no not seeing linda this time she is out of town :( cant afford to see her twice anyway...but we are fighting hard to deny old rules i guess..because its going on 10:30 and i have yet to leave..i have yet to get ready in any form or fashion and actually i just want to go back to bed and just kinda forget i said i would be going on ... but its just i feel rushed..mommy called a few times this morning to ask what i was doing and where i was..and i wasnt even awake yet..much less on the way home...but its just the rushed feeling is there..ill be in trouble if im late..i need to go home..i have to go home..why havent i left yet type thinking..when in reality i can go whenever i want to..i dont have plans for today and not many for tomorrow...i dont have to be home at any specific time but it feels like im breaking rules by taking so long to leave and get home..i cant even decide if i want to go to my sisters first or just go home..mommy is expecting me at home which makes me not want to go..i dont know .. im just feeling stressed out about it big time and i havent even left yet..there are so many things to do instead..i dont want to drive..or anything.

yesterday was not good

missed meds yesterday...it only took about 12 hours to get back to feeling pretty suicidal..

you know what..

today was an awesome day..im calm, and happy, and just in a super good mood considering i just got off of work! surprising i know

you know what? today was an awesome day at work..really it was and itts still surprising me..i came home from work completely calm and in a great mood..im barely even tired! i got to work this morning and its saturday so they are getting to watch tv..they played video games for a while had lunch..dealt with some of the girls being mad about not being able to go of campus but that didnt last long..so then i was there with only 3 of them and not 6 and they all just kinda did there own thing for a while...and then one of them asked if they could pull out there legos..and it all just went downhill from there :P i sat on the floor with her ..in the middle of the living floor and had lego races ..my car lost.and was blown to bits more than once lol..dude it was awesome :) she had loads of legos and people and even some girl legos and made a castle kinda and a car and she raced them with me :) and then we walked around the circle outside and then a church group showed up with dinner for the kids..and it was like real food..they had a whole turkey!! and cake and umm yeah cake ! and we painted apple piggy banks ! and really cant wait to get that back and its a yellow apple! i had the brightest one in the bunch lol..and then we had dinner and the dessert was super sidetracking and so i stopped eating dinner in lieu of having cake ! aand then we played bingo and i won two pairs of new socks ! and that was super duper fun :D i actually enjoyed being with them today big time..its fun making them smile and laugh and have fun..

sex and such

So last night I was wondering if people without trauma in there history can have issues with sex and touching and being with someone?

Because I can swear up and down that nothing happened growing up you know, no one can prove anything happened and so if i dont say anything or tell anything then its like im 'normal' i guess. but i have major problems with having people to close to me, like just standing and talking. i hate being touched, and i never ever see sex happening in any form or fashion. i dont even like anyone being in the same bed with me .. there are exceptions to that one cas obviously the kids i babysit and i have shared a bed with like siblings and friends every so often, of course nothing involving sex or anything ever went on..its like well sleeping. and it makes me think that im just a walking contradiction i guess. i can say nothing happened. but everything just kinda screams that something did happen.. i cant pretend that i want a relationship..because in general i really dont know if i do or not..or who i like or not..i like being able to keep people romantically away from me because then that is just something i dont have to worry about..you know..i dont have to worry about being expected to do something i really dont want to do..

but if i had grown up with nothing having happened would i still be struggling with the same issues ? would i have learned differently and been ok with being touched and all that?

if you could wake up to a miracle ?

I went and saw my new therapist this week..i guess she was ok..im not sure yet what i think about her..shes was ok is all..her office is worse than lindas and so not my fault that they both have the same name! haha..kinda funny though..but i went and it didnt kill me..although i thought it was going to..im still not liking that i have to change..and im still mad that linda wont move up here and keep working with me..i guess i know that she really cant just pick up and move like that..but i still want her to.. but so i saw the other therapist and answered her questions for the most part..tried to pay attention and not get to incredibly stressed out with it..but she asked a question and it was umm..if i woke up tomorrow and i miracle had happened over night what would it look like.,,i really hate the what would it look like questions..but anyway that was the question and i gave her an answer and she asked me to think about it a little bit more..and as soon as she asked the question i was thinking like holy cow you know..if it could be anything at all..then i wanted like a castle and a dragon and i would be in the middle of this awesome meadow..and so on..but then i had to reign myself in and so a little more control than that..and i think i ended up telling her that i was going to have a house in like alaska and that i was going to be happy and travel and get to do whatever i wanted...but its like thats just the surface stuff...because if i had a miracle and things could be the way i wanted them to be then i just think it would involve more than just the surface stuff..more than just wanting to be happy..more than just having my way..i admit i havent really thought about it..and i almost forgot completely about it..but i was thinking about it tonight and i still am having a hard time getting past the surface wants..the easy wants...im afraid i guess to look any deeper into what i truly want ...how would things be different for me then..how would i really see things? because i think underneath it all im not real sure what i want..or even how i want things to be different..i want to be happy is my catch all..i can say it an imply so many different things..who ever i tell it to can imply there own meanings i guess..but i really have a hard time figuring out what i want out of life..what i want with my miracle..

so..

if i woke up tomorrow and had a miracle..what would it look like?
well i do want to have a house..i want to be comfortable..i want to live in a safe place..and some how i have labeled alsaka as being completely safe..because its completely removed in a way..you cant just take a trip to alaska..you have to plan and prepare..and really just want to go..but just a safe place..i would want to wake up without my scars..and i would have my sister back..i would have love and support but i dont know from where yet..because i dont want to be married..im not even sure i want kids in my miracle world..but i do want love and support and acceptance..dusti would be there of course..with my penguin..but what else? i would be comfortable talking and being..and i would remember my life..that would be pretty nice to wake up too..a new world..a new start in a way...but maybe im looking at it the wrong way..i look at my scars some days and hate them and wish they would go away..but ive looked at them long enough to know that i may not be as comfortable without them..i dont know how to be without them i guess..so maybe i just want to be okay with them and not really get rid of them..or have them go away..i just want to be normal i guess..but theres no such thing as normal..and its hard to explain ..i want to be able to wake up in the morning and not wish i was dead before i even make it out of bed..i want to not worry about everything ..i want to be able to deal with myself and what i think and feel without freaking out or ignoring it..i want to like myself and who i am..and be okay with it..and not wish to be like everyone else..i dont want to stand out.but i want to be noticed..i want to be needed..and i guess im not really talking about a miracle anymore..this is just how i wish things could be..safe and removed..i dont know..guess ive gone and side tracked myself ...

guess ill talk about other things for a little bit..

its been raining here for like the past 3 days..its miserable..and cold..i even wore a jacket today! a real one..it was so cold..i finally went and ran errands today..got some things paid..went to the store..traveled richmond a little big..found some new areas kinda..sent mommy some money..and she was upset that i didnt send more..but i couldnt..so oh well..trying not to stress to much about that..but money really is worrying me..just more so because of going home twice next week and having to you know need gas money and money for food and everything..so just worried you know..im excited to see linda next week also..i want her..to see her and talk to her and just be back in her office..i miss seeing her..

the depression is still really really hard right now..but i have an appt with a new pdoc in dec..so hopefully it will be straightened out soon..

just kinda all over the place right now i think..i napped earlier and woke up feeling so out of it..i am proud of myself i guess for getting out today and getting stuff done..i know im isolating myself big time..but i dont want to be bothered..i dont want to be around anyone..and that would be how i know the depression is an issue again..i was doing better you know..a little bit better anyway..but im working the next three days and so ill be around ppl a lot..but now in my time off i just need to be alone..and have quiet...im in the house alone and still it feels loud..and not quiet..i dont know..

im kinda looking forward to parts of next week..im going home monday and tuesday to see linda nad my sister..and im staying at my sisters place..mommy doesnt even know ill be in town..which im fine with..less to stress about you know..i asked my sister to not let mommy know..and she hasnt ..and its not like im gonna tell her..but then i come back to va for work ..and then friday i head home again..and will be home until monday..which i really am worried about..just being back at home and feeling trapped again and everything..i hope it goes ok and that ill have enough to keep me busy and just kinda ok..but i dont know..its all so hard some days..and i know i have to go cas i said i was and i do miss the kids and seeing everyone..and just a change of scenery will be good right now i think..especially with feeling so depressed lately..so ill deal with to the best of my ability..and just hope i handle it...and if nothing else i can always go and stay at my sisters place again..if i really truly cant deal with being at home..

but i guess thats all for now..i think im all written out for the night. but im feeling a bit calmer ..so i guess i really have needed to write

depression sucks

i dont know what is wrong with me today...going so slow with getting things done..i had every intention of leaving the house and running errands before work..but im still sitting here..ready to cry because i cant do anything ..cas im sad and i dont know what to do about it..im getting ready to go to breakfast with yvonne instead of going and doing what i should be doing before work...its going to be a busy day at work..and i was elected to go to some church thing that im not really to interested in tonight with some of my group..its raining outside and i cant find my stupid umbrella at all..and i dont want to get wet and its just bothering me..i think right now everything is just bothering me.. i just want to go and lay back down..i think money is worrying me a lot right now..and im struggling big time with figuring out what i can and cant pay ..and im stressed about what i owe mommy and if she will be mad if i send her less than what she is expecting from me...and i ..i just i dont know .. its so esy to sink into depression and just want to hide from the world..i want to hide..i probably wouldnt havee made it out to do anything before work if yvonne hadnt asked me to go to breakfast.. i would have gone and laid back down and pretended i forgot i had anything at all to do with my day..just because today is kinda all over the place ..but i guess i should go cas i really dont have a lot of time before wor k and have to get out of the house if i expect to do anything at all.

and its almost monday

im so tired..so i have no real idea why in the world im still up and on the computer.

hmm tomorrow is monday and im kinda looking forward to just having something to do with my day..well most of my day..it really does take me all morning still to get my head together enough to even make it to work! ugh..but im glad tomorrow is monday..im glad to go back to work..

yvonne put my desk together tonight for me..and its cool not having to lay on the floor to use the computer..im back to sitting up and typing and it feels so weird..and less relaxing to sit up to use the computer vs stretching out on the floor! but its good that its done and thats one less thing to worry about.

other wise..things are pretty much the same old same old..still feeling sad off and on today but its better today than yesterday..so that i was really glad for..yesterday just kinda sucked..but today was ok i think..made dinner and it turned out really good. so that made me happy. told mommy today that i wouldnt be home for christmas and so i think she is going to come up here for a day or something..which i can deal with..its only a day..so ill have to deal with it..but thats later and so i shouldnt stress about it now..

umm messed around with my blog today..considered giving yvonne the link but i cant decide yet..its weird enough having her truly knowing about the scars..but oh well...i live with her..so ill have to get used to it i guess..

but yeah im really going to bed now

insurance woes

so the good news is..i have insurance

the bad news is ..that my copay for therapy is more expensive than paying out of pocket (on the sliding scale for my other therapist)

i know i shouldnt complain but that i wasnt expecting at all ..ugh

not great

Currently feeling really really depressed, I want to cry and the thought of being alone tonight scares me a little bit. It is entirely my fault I guess for triggering myself into such a bad mood, but now its here and I have to deal with it some how. I dont want to deal with it though, I just want to lay down and sleep and not think about how badly im feeling.

What is it about parents that lets them be able to excuse there actions? To make it ok for them to hurt there kids because they want to, because they can? Who had the bright idea to think that up and then let parents run with it. I wasnt a toy that could be broken and put back together over and over again. I just broke and stayed broken i guess. I am not ready to forgive and I dont want to, but I think the expectation is there. Im supposed to forever, Im supposed to be better and ok. Im not though, and any thing can set me up to feel horrible. I hate triggers, I really do.

It is so easy to start thinking about bad things, to want to cut or hide, or isolate. I have a roommate and sometimes I still feel alone. When I lived with mommy it was the same thing, if she was home I wasnt alone, if my brothers or sisters or someone else was there. Then I wasnt alone but i always felt alone. I was always in my own space and couldnt be touched, or reached or hurt. I was alone and I made it that way. It not getting any better. Tonight when yvonne came and home and told me she was spending the night some where else, i was worried for myself. I could have done any number of things to let her know I wasnt really ok but I cant do that. I still cant do that. Now Im alone, I feel alone, and just hurt right now. Im not physically hurt in any way though.

the sadness eats at me, and makes me feel so hopeless and lost. Always when feeling like this I want the pain of cutting or doing something that hurts. I crave it in a way I think, to escape everything else. Some escapes can only be obtained I guess through pain. It makes me feel crazy to want the pain, to want to hurt myself on purpose, because it will make me feel better for a little while. Even knowing that doesnt make me want it any less. I know it, thats something that is familiar and safe and easy. All I have to do is clean up the mess, although Im majorly into I dont care mode right now. and its hard to do anything at all.

build a bear

it was a surprise trip and wasnt supposed to get anything..but ofcourse as soon as it was mentioned i got up and got ready to go..but it was hard to cas the anxiety is so high right now :( wasnt to ok at first but then got out this evening and once we were there at the mall the mood improved..and then went to the toy store and sat on all the expensive furniture and went to build a bear and the pj store and was in a happier mood...but then we went to dinner and for some reason the mood just dropped big time..and i was restless and anxious and just done with the evening..and i dont know..mommy called and maybe that caused some of the worries and concerns to start up again.. had been doing so good not thinking about it and just trying hard to enjoy the day but after talking to mommy and going to dinner..it was just kinda downhill big time...still to the point of feeling like i want to cry..im nervous and just upset in general..i want to be left alone and at the same time i want to be asked whats wrong ..but i wouldnt answer..not with the whole truth anyway..

and for the rest of the week ..

it turned out ok seeing the eap lady..it didnt kill me...but im not staying with her..she referred me to another place that accepts my insurance..and so once i actually get my insurance info i guess ill be going there..or call and see..

talking to linda today really was very helpful..i enjoy talking to her on the phone actually when i know its the only way to talk to her..before when i could go to her office i didnt like talking to her on the phone as much..but now its ok...told her all about yesterday and that i didnt like the lady..and yeah i so need to get over that.. but now i just pretty much have to wait until i get the info in the mail and go from there..no need to owe anyone else any more money if i can help it! but thats just kinda where all that is at..but really i was only with her for like 30mins ..which was fine with me..i let her know i had been in therapy for a while and just needed to get back in it before january..and so on ..we talked some about like the changes and well that i need to give myself a bit of a break considering ive only been here for 3 or so weeks..i told her it was taking to long to adjust..but well ill try harder to slack off on that end of things..or try to anyway..but she gave me the number of a place that has a bunch of t's and even 2 pdocs on staff and because of the med issue which i talked to her about a little bit..she mentioned that i should call as soon as i could..she did let me know also that the eap thing..is there if i needed it..and its 3 sessions for each time i need it..which i thought was fairly cool..not that i will need it again if i go to therapy but just the option i guess is nice..no idea really what can be solved in 3 sessions ..but maybe thats just me :blink: but it was ok..almost didnt go..had some issues with getting out the door

training today was pretty interesting..because one of the first things that was addressed was taking care of yourself when you arent at work..doing stuff to calm down and allowing yourself to let go of the frustration for a while and then pick it all up again the next day..but not to go home with it and let it stress you out.. and just kinda going over when to step back..and how to calm kids down and all that..and it really is rather interesting..and this part of it at least im not sorry i have to go to..because it is learning a lot of info that is helpful...but this week has been really quiet work wise..its nice to be home before its dark outside you know..and im looking forward to the weekend too..no work..just quiet im hopin and time to relax and chill out..and do nothing for a couple days...

well planning on trying to put my desk together and work on stuff in the apartment for a while this weekend..cas things really do kinda need to get put away..and its just a pain in the butt having the computer on the floor..kinda cool but really a pain..

not thrilled ...

i see the eap person tomorrow afternoon...im not thrilled at all..and its like im almost determined to not like her at all ..ugh..something i just make things so much harder for myself than they need to be!