frustrated with myself

im currently frustrated with myself for a lot of things...some dealing with money and lack there of and some dealing with how ive been replacing all of my wanting to cut feelings with overeating big time...its frustrating and i know better..i really do..and instead im irgnoring what little good sense i have and just kinda saying screw it to everything because i want something to fill the ache of wanting something else..i did a pretty stupid thing this morning and weighed myself...and it was like holy crap i really hope that number is wrong :( its depressing and worrysome at the same time..and its also something i know i can work on and do better at..but im not trying at all right now..i know im not..it is a bad cycle of wanting and not having and replacing one bad habit with another..and some of it is that im so stressed when i leave work and the only places open to get anything to eat is fast food..i know for a fact that ive been getting to much fast food the past couple weeks..im not denying that at all..i eat to late at night..etc etc and so on..and i know im doing it and just keep overruling myself because at the time i think i want it..i may not even be hungry but i think i want to eat..when im really jus stressed and sad or upset or something..but eating makes me feel better because i cant cut...and id almost rather i was cutting..ugh..

and then the money issue comes up..and really i just cant do anything about that one right now..until next month and i start getting paid again...everything is kinda on hold right now until rent is paid and then ill be playing catch up big time next month..but i just get so worried about it..and i know that in reality i cant do anything until i have money..so i have to wait..and be patient..but its nerve racking cas i know i owe so manyn different places money for different stuff..and it is super frustrating..so im trying to wait and not stress..but i am...

not to mention there are a lot of issues with the pdoc place ..and ill be out of meds soon and they cant get me in for an appt...and i need to talk to them about the meds anyway..the lexapro is helping keep my anxiety under control..but its not really helping the depression anymore...i think it helped a little bit but it didnt really do a lot for the depression..and im a little afraid of being put on something else..but the depression is becoming an issue again.. i dont want to leave the house and im sad all the time again..not suicidal but just kinda sad and wanting to be alone and not around ppl and just alot of the old stuff ..old thoughts and feelings coming back up...and id rather they didnt get so bad again..so linda is going to call and see whats going on with that..and ive been talking to her once a week now on the phone..cas i was having such a hard time with things..and then next week i have the eap lady to go and talk to and im hoping she will be able to explain my insurance a bit more..well the mental health part of it anyway..and then ill just go from there..

but i think ive rambled on enough for one morning..

i guess this is progress

well decided to try the eap program first and see..because i think with my insurance it may be easier going through them and having them explain it to me ..and if nothing else it will give me a few free sessions to work with and figure out what im going to do.or where to go from there ..but the only thing with the eap program is that its short term..and i know short term wont work ..well i guess its support and its better than nothing but worried about forming a relationship with someone that i know i wont be able to stay with..and that does make me really nervous..but its next week..and yeah..will see how it goes..

i wont forgive

im upset, not really upset but just thinking. forgiveness has been on my mind since yesterday and going to the workshop thingy about it, and i didnt realize it still upsets us so much. normally i dont consider it much at all, well i think i did for a little while but i guess the thoughts come and go like everything else. but this was pretty straightforward chat about forgiveness and things. and well first i realized i will suck horribly if i ever had to go to group therapy, because it makes me zone out so badly..but also that im so far from forgiving and letting things go that its just hugely disappointing..knowing it will be good and knowing it wont happen at the same time is hard.. i mean i listened to the convo from yesterday..most of it anyway..but then anger got in the way of listening and so it was kind of in and out but anyway..there is a huge huge refusual to forgive anyone for anything..im bad about holding grudges..i dont think the world owes me anything..but the people who have hurt me deserves something..i dont know.its like i deal with myself every single measly day..all the depression and anger and sadness and hate..i have to deal with it and live with it, and adjust to it..and its like all the people who hurt me just get off so easy.they have nothing to deal with..they dont have to fight to get up in the morning and make it through the day like i have to..they dont have to make sure they have fifty million little toys around all the time just to stay in my small little space of reality..its hard and it makes me so so mad..because none of this will be solved in a day, a week, a year down the line...what do i have to look forward to? a life full of hurting and therapy and meds just to stay calm enough to get through every stupid day? thats what i have to look forward to..a life of constantly wanting something more that cant be put into words..being forced to hope that there is something better because it cant get any worse..its not fair ..and so yes it makes me very very mad..and i refuse to forgive.i dont want to..i dont think i want revenge..but i want something..i want them to know how hard it is..to live..to die..to survive..

the same way the hope of things changing with mommy still is a huge huge issue...i cant let it go..i can get close..i can be right there..ready to let it all go..and then i change my mind..i never stop wanting it..i never stop needing it..the drive to have her approval is as strong as ever..the need to have it is as strong as ever..and it doesnt matter if i know somewhere in my head that its not going to happen..that it will never happen..i have to believe it will..i need to believe it will..because if i dont..if i stop believing that it will happen..all ill have to think about and look at is the loss of two sets of parents that i just wasnt good enough for..

a little better

things have calmed down for me a little bit..im feeling more focused and just kinda put back together i guess...i called linda the other day and left her a message..and then got to talk to her twice..and she is calling me today..well later in the afternoon..which i am really happy with..i havent cut..the urge isnt as strong anymore..still there but i can work around it..i was in the store wed i think and had to leave because i wanted razors so bad..and linda told me that if my job was causing that much stress then i need to look for another one..well if i go back to cutting and what not then it may be better to look for anotther job..but i dont want another job.im determined to keep this one..i like the people there..im starting to know them a little bit..i just have to keep in mind that i am super easily triggered there..and i have to be even more careful about shutting down completely...again..and so the search for a new therapist has to start a little sooner than i hoped..im not managing very well not being able to actually see linda..talking on the phone helped but its not the same thing..i have to see someone and know they are physically there..and linda cant really be that for me anymore cas she is to far away..but im not happy to have tofind a new one either..maybe it will be better i guess to find one while im still talking to linda i guess..but i still dont like the idea very much at all ... so its been a pretty busy and emotional week i guesss

but heading to Roanoke va to go to this art show...its called healing for creativity...some of the workshops do sound pretty interesting..i didnt submit anything but i do want to go and just kinda look around..im going with a friend who lives in va too..and its a weekend thing :) so a bit excited about that

not feeling safe

im not feeling safe at all today..overwhelmed and scared..i gave in and called linda and left a message earlier but she hasnt called me back and that makes me nervous too..im afraid to even go to the store right now because i want to cut so much..going to the store is just an opportunity to get razors..i want to have them..not use them..but how long would that last ?? how long before i would give in to the urge and cut again? im supposed to be a role model..im supposed to be doing better..and instead i think feel like im falling apart all over again..i dont know here yet and so no i dont feel safe or stable here..im not stable..but i have to keep it together enough to get by..and like usual ill make to be in control by tomorrow morning..but for tonight..im just all over the place..and out of it..out of focus a bit..back to being more forgetful again..its been a steady decline i think in the past couple weeks..after moving..and then the triggers and upset feelings from work last week just kinda pushed all my issues to the surface..and i cant deal with them..and im back to wanting an escape..any escape at all..

sad feelings - collage

hmmm

i made it through a full week of work..and i survived..im worn out and completely drained and have to be up in a few hours to go back to work..but i made it ..

doubting things big time

im doubting myself a lot right now..worried about things..tonight was my first big trigger with my job..and i guess i really should have known it would happen at some point..but i was hoping slightly i would make it through the first week without having to deal with all of them and me too..im not so sure about any thing right now..and im still really on edge and cant calm down enough to go to sleep..so im writing and i really hope it helps because i have to go back to work in a few hours and deal with them all again..and its not really dealing with them its just there behaviors that i cant deal with i guess...tonight it started off with them yelling at each other, and then one running away from the group screaming, and crying and more yelling, and them not listening to anything..and they just talking about triggering them selves and i think that bothered me..because they talk about it like its nothing..and that its ok and all that and that bothers me a lot..i know some things that trigger me but not all of them and its not like im going to go and share it with the whole world..maybe im just feeling jealous about it all..because i do want to be able to talk about it like that and i cant..i wont..im still stuck with keeping things secrets ..even from myself but all of it just bothered me alot..and its like i cant deal with myself because i have to be strong and capable and in control from the girls and i cant break down or freak out ..and i get myself into enough trouble for not acknowledging my feelings..and now its like i have to push all my thoughts away because work is not the time to deal with my issues at all..but once i push them away then i wont deal with them at all..and i dont know what to do about that .. tonight it was bad because i wasnt expecting it to happen..and that would have been my first mistake..i should know better than to go to work ..especially this job and not be aware that i can be easily triggered..but then its like i cant get away to calm down and its like again that whole..im ok as long as i look ok type thing..and it doesnt matter if im freaking out or not about something.if i dont show it them im still in control somehow and thats not entirely true..because i can hold it in and not say a word about it and ill just end up doing something stupid later on..tonight my first thought was cutting..or hurting in some way to get out of my head..given i wouldnt do it at work..but i cant even hold myself to that because i have cut at work before..for various reasons..and im trying not to cut but the urge came back pretty hard tonight and it sucked..but i think the biggest issue with controlling myself tonight is that i wanted..needed to be alone fora bit and i couldnt..there were a million other things i needed to do and i needed to help with the girls and all there meltdowns..and i cant melt down or freak out..and i think im going to go back to being super controlled and not talking about anything at all because of being afraid that it will become to much to handle..and that saying nothing is better than sharing or talking..and i will go back to right where i was last year at this time ..cas oh last year at this time i was very very suicidal and not ok and all that ..and i really would rather not have a repeat of that but i dont know..the more i lose control the more in control i have to be..appearance is everything and thats how i always manage to keep my out of controlness under the radar..i always seem ok..i can always say im ok..and sometimes im not..sometimes i am..

i dont know im going to bed though..i have to go back to work tomorrow and sunday and then im in training for most of next week..

im really really hoping that once im more used to my job it will be better..but until then i think its going to be a big big struggle to keep myself safe

a long day..a long week

since ive had this open for forever..i guess i should actually write something in it..

im so tired..like energy drain maximized or something..i knew i was tired earlier but then i went to fix dinner and the mess in the kitchen annoyed me and so i just had to clean it up some ..and it wasnt my mess but it was just a community mess and so i just went and got it more in order and cleaned up a bit...im going to have to just go a bit slower i think..cas the more on edge i feel..then the more the messiness of the apartment becomes a bother and theres just nothing that can be done about that right now..im out of space to put stuff and we cant really get rid of stuff until we have a desk and bookshelves to get things off the floor..so trying to be calm about it but yes the mess is starting to bother me big time ... im trying to be patient but its hard cas i want it all put away and neat and organized now..and its not and ugh..its starting to drive me crazy

but today in general was overwhelming..and i think having a hard time at home made today seem even more overwhelming than usual...i had a ton of paper work to fill out..and then i had to get a drug test and a tb test..and then i had to do a benefits thing kinda and none of the 401k info makes sense to me ..and makes me feel so stupid and dumb..because i try to read it and it makes my head spin even more..and then i met my supervisor..and learned all the cottage/group stuff/computer stuff..the morning paperwork stuff was like job guidelines, reading the handbook, and signing away my life lol..the cottage stuff was more knowing the layout, where everything is, what ill be doing, etc..and by then i think my head was swimming in exhaustion..but then i met my group of girls and there are 6 girls..and they are an interesting bunch..they knew i was coming and starting and so as soon as i say the group they you know said hi and everything..but im still new and so they were showing off and all that good stuff and so they were a little all over the place..but i guess its better that i see them like this now and not later..not that it surprises me but yeah..that nice grace period ppl like to tell you about when starting with groups doesnt really happen all the time lol..id rather forego the grace period of super good kids and just let them start out as they are..saves me the stress later..if i can get out all my frustration now..then ill be better able to deal with them later on..but in general they are nice kids..but i know im gonna have to be super super careful because my supervisor was telling me about each of the girls and 3 or more of the 6 have abuse issues on top of other things, one has s/i and sui issues also..and so i know there will be issues that will be a big big problem for me if im not careful and if im not paying attention.. but in general just a lot to take in today..all the new people and place and getting used to things..i know its going to take time and everything but i hate being the new person and not knowing things...but im sure them starting me off with a full week of work was there way of helping me to get to know my group and the rules and guidelines and all that better ! i work from tues - sunday with thursday off this week :dunce im going to be busy to put it nicely ..there are a lot of things im thinking about and worrying about and all that and im worried about being on time and showing up and all that..mornings really arent my strong point ..maybe i just need to make sure im sleeping enough and having enough time to kinda destress ..but i say that and cant think of a thing to do about it thats healthy :-/ im supposed to be setting a good explain you know..i cant go back to cutting cas of feeling so stressed out :(

but i guess the good news in all of it is that i have a job, i showed up, i was on time and looked presentable..i think i made a good first impression..and my benefits once im done with the paperwork will start next month! that i am excited about..

i have so much info to read and go over and i just cant do it tonight..ill have to look at it tomorrow before heading in to work..

so i guess im going to bed..i dont think i can handle anything else today

new job

well
ummm
i start my new job tomorrow...i think im feeling ok about it because its just orientation stuff and meeting people tomorrow..not really doing anything yet..

im nervous but it could be worse...i know it will be more overwhelming tomorrow but i have to go if i want to find out about my schedule..i have to go if i want to find out anything really lol..and well once i go im working and that means a pay check in the future lol..so if i needed motivation then thats it!

but i think its just like always..new people..new place..new schedule..ugh..i just have to wait it out until it becomes routine and im comfortable with it..and then it will be ok..i hope

pretty bad

going home was pretty bad .. even though it was only for a couple days it felt like forever ..i would cry..i want to cry but i cant..i wont ... mommy keeps me home this morning to talk..one of those random heart to hearts that i want no part of..but she had one this morning..she told me what she was upset/worried with me about and i listened and agreed to do better...my scars are a big concern for her..shes worried...she thinks ill be put in the hospital or not have a job because ill be considered crazy...i told her i cut because i was stressed out..she told me not to be stressed because theres nothing to be stressed about..she told me i didnt even have to think because she would tell me exactly what i needed to do or say or something..she told me what to i needed to eat..what i needed to wear..what i needed to do..that i needed to talk to her or someone if something was wrong but that nothing could be wrong .. i had to explain where the scars where and i got the convo about how she stays up late at night worrying about me..which is funny cas i most certainly dont stay up late at night worrying about much ..and most certainly not worrying about myself :( its just shard and makes me feel stupid and that i shouldnt even bother trying to do anything ..my scars make her ashamed...she told me that her plans for my future is to have them grafted off..i had no say in that decision at all..and i dont even know if i want them gone ...i guess i should but i dont know..but i guess the scars are bad and i should be ashamed of them ... how can you put that something is wrong with you and you cant be crazy in the same sentence? how is that supposed to help me or make me talk ?

it doesnt change

going home still sucks and makes me sad :(

update of sorts

a lot has happened..its hard to get my head around all that is going on..so many changes and upsets all at the same time..some i cant fix at all right now and have to just wait out and some are well just kind of ok and moving along..its scary though..knowing that ive moved and am now living in va completely..i have an address..i have an apartment..i have a job..im on my own again in a way and that is overwhelming all by its self..i mean i do like it..i just have to get used to it again..i have to figure out what my limits are again..im so used to being told what i need to do that having to tell myself what to do makes me nervous..im still looking..over my shoulder waiting for mommy to just pop up and yell at me for slacking off or something..and on monday it was really hard and overwhelming because that was kinda the first real day alone and i wasnt ready in some ways..i made it through it though, it just took a little work and a lot of distracting myself ..because for the first time in months i was wanting to cut..and urge was strong and thankfully i didnt have anything to use! but it has passed now and i think im slowly feeling better about things..things are still a huge mess in the apartment..my room is done because well ive had the time to spend putting stuff away you know..so that was ok for me..but i still have a lot of stuff downstairs and this weekend i ahve to go home and get the rest of my stuff that got left at home and some stuff from mommy...and spend a little time with the kids i babysit cas i didnt get a chance to say goodbye to them..cas of working and packing on my last week there..i didnt have time for much really! but ive moved now and its still a bit shocking..cas i would be the only one i guess that didnt believe i would go through with it..i really didnt..but like linda told me..i kept doing all the stuff to move even if i didnt think i was going to do it...

other things are kinda suckish..money is horrible right now..but im done complaining about that..what happened wasnt my fault but the money from my check is gone and will not be refunded so im stuck..and its going to be a sucky few weeks..very very sucky..but ill deal with it..and im opening a new account, at a different bank ..the overdraft fees at bb&t are just to much to deal with right now..so im going somewhere else..

dusti likes it in the new place..she is happy i think to be able to just kinda roam around the apartment and not be locked in just my room anymore..

but thats about all i guess..thats going on..

i start work next week and im a little bit nervous about it..but i think it will be ok..i hope it will be ok!

today is a not good very sad day :(