not good

let the panic start now..the serious holy cow im leaving..really leaving in a week panic..theres so much to do...so many different things that need to get done and i get overwhelmed and scared..and this morning just sitting here i have to fight the tears...why cry? what is there to cry about ? i should feel overjoyed about leaving and i dont...just sad having to say goodbye to everyone..all of my clients ..i have to say good bye the to them this week...one after the other all week..it will just be a week of saying good bye and then moving and more saying goodbye..my sister is upset that im leaving..everyone is upset that im leaving..i keep upsetting everyone.im not upset just sad..because i know im going, i know i have to go..that if i want to stay sane i need to go..and i guess it helps that yvonne knows im freaking out about it ..well i told her i was scared..i left out the freaking out part cas i dont want her to worry..i did tell her that im nervous about stopping therapy..and well we will see..im scared ill get there and just fall apart..that ill have so much time alone that i dont know..just scared and freaking out already this week..im nervous and afraid :(

one week

so hard to believe how big things will change in such a short amount of time..there really doesnt feel like its enough time left...now the worries and panic is becoming overwhelming and i just feel rushed and out of sorts with things.. i know once i am there things will calm down a bit but getting there is well ..yeah ...

dusti stuff

but yep went to the vet this morning with dusti and she took it really well...well as well as she could manage with being completely scared to be there..she cried a little on the way and was super quiet on the way home..but as soon as we got in the house she was back to her usual self..but i like the vet we went to..it helps that its like 5 mins from home and so i think ill keep dusti there..for now anyway..i have to bring her back in a couple weeks (on the 10th) to get her skin checked out again..cas she has a small infection from the fleas and how much she has been scratching..and has to have antibiotics for it..im sure ill have stories to tell about that one! i have to give her medicine twice a day for two weeks! and i found out that the little bump that she has is a cyst...noncancerous thankfully..and the vet drained it and what not but let me know that most likely it will come back..as its been doing but now at least i know what it is and im glad i do..so i can stop worrying about it..and ill just let the vet drain it when we go and see her..cas im so gonna be a good owner and take her to the vet like im supposed to and actually keep track of her shots and things.. and i did feel horrible for the fact that my cat has fleas and i couldnt get rid of them no matter what i tried :( but the vet explained that fleas just kinda come with the territory and even if you bring them home on you its not a huge thing as long as you get it taken care of..and that did make me feel a bit better..but still..ugh i hate it...but the vet did tell me that dusti looks good and healthy..so im glad that im not a completely suckish cat owner cas i do take very good care of dusti! and dusti actually didnt run away from me when she was out of her carrier and she was ok with the docs handling her. .but then they were firm when they picked her up and moved her and stuff and not scared at all...so that was good..they all talked to her and i liked that..i didnt like when they stuck the thermometer up her butt to get her temp...silly me thought they were gonna put it under her tongue like a normal doc! but no..and dusti thinking she was the amazing hiding cat went and walked across the counter and tried to hide behind the rolls of paper towel and then assumed she couldnt be seen lol..and the vet finally moved the paper towel cas dusti was so intent to get behind them! and so she sat over there for a while and just looked at me..and then she decided she wanted to sit in the sink lol .but i am super glad i took her and i hope she starts feeling better and not itchy anymore soon

less than two weeks !

im moving in less than two weeks..how did it come to this ..im scared and worried but im handling this move a whole lot better than my other ones..i really am and i know i am..but still im scared...i started packing a bit last night...just one dresser ..and it was hard..i have to get rid of some stuff that i dont need to take with me..i have to go through everything and organize and i know that i still have a long long way to go with it..i dont know :(

scary realness

im moving in 2 weeks..really truly moving and it scares the crap out of me...everything is just about in order and every piece of the puzzle is starting to be put into place..and its all happened one after the other in the past week or so...first we got the go ahead with the apartment, then i got the job, then mommy made the reservation for the moving truck yesterday..i gave my notice kinda last week and this week i have to make it final..all thats left really is packing...i have two weeks to pack up my room..and then its moving and theres nothing else..thats everything...i never really thought it would happen..i really didnt..and it makes me so sad but at the same time i know this is my ticket out of being at home and i cant not take it...its not ok at home and i stayed a lot longer than i should have in hopes that it would work out and be ok and its hasnt changed yet..and so i cant keep hoping that it will change..it hurts to much to keep hoping and to constantly be let down..and so now its time to move and i cant change my mind anymore about it now..everything is in place..almost everyone knows...i have to go..i am going..im ok with going but still im just scared a little bit..ok a lot...starting over..being in a new place...last night i was worrying about how i would deal with the new job ... and how i would handle it..so many things to worry about..but i guess its ok..i hope its ok..ill be worrying a lot the next couple weeks ...

just...wow

things are changing so much now...they really are...all in one week i found out i got the job i interviewed for, i got the apartment we applied for, i told my supervisor that i would be moving, dee and all of them know im moving...and im happy i am..but im sad too..guessing the excitement over yesterday has gone again..but it was nice you know..but now im just sad to be leaving because now its like yes your really leaving..nothing else is in the way anymore..nothing else can be put off..ive filled the requirement placed by mommy and now she cant even stop me from going..and that means im actually leaving..and that is scary..i guess part of me was just positive something would happen and i would just end up staying or i would really back out of it..or i wouldnt have a job..or something..something would happen ..i would have sabotaged myself in some way and it wouldnt have worked out..and given ive tried hard to go as slow as i possibly could with all of it..and still time kept moving and things kept getting done and now its time to go almost...2 weeks..and ill be moving..wow..its really just hard to believe..it really is..it is a lot to take in..and get used to..im worried a lot about it..and scared about it..but it looks like im going and wont be talked out of it..maybe i have grown up a bit lately..

just a little upset i guess

you know its interesting i guess..maybe its just sad i guess that once someone else is in the house then im kinda forgotten again ... with my older brother home again.its like mommy is doing everything for him and im once again not important enough to remember...she made dinner last night and forgot to call me..but she called him and fixed his food (which i dont agree with at all but whatever) she made him breakfast this morning and im forgotten..she did even be annoying and yell to make sure i was still alive this morning..and as much as i hate it when its actually happening..when it doesnt happen its like i dont matter anymore :box it shouldnt bother me and it does... it always bothers me..and now im slightly upset that my brother is even here and i wish he would just leave again :-/ and i just lost the last of my cash to her and my brother...yeah im really hating this right now..

well good news

we got the apartment...have to pay a full months rent for the deposit but i really dont care lol..i was expecting that and so its not a surprise or anything at all..but yvonne called and told me last night!

too many feelings

ooooh i am so so so very mad and upset right now..maybe its not mad maybe im just frustrated to the max..so much for calming down and getting my head to feel a little more together...why is it that as soon as everyone knows im leaving they want me to stay..the lady i babysit for called me tonight and offered me a job..a salary job..tutor the kids and assisting with stuff for her..stuff i do anyway but now it would be all official and what not..and it upsets me because a couple months ago when i needed a job and would have stayed for the job it wasnt available..and now it is and im leaving already..i cant change my mind now because its too late for that.. i would have been able to afford to stay..and now im leaving and its not even a possibility anymore but now the offer is out there and i had to turn her down when she told me about it..she asked if i would help her get it online and stuff..but its like :censor it would have worked out so well and now i cant do it..im not upset about leaving ..im upset about losing the chance to have a stable job, keep my therapist, live somewhere not at home..but it was too late...i cant disappoint yvonne like that..that would be awful and she needs me as much as i need her..friend wise to just be around and accessible and stuff..it seems so unbelievable ...you know..i waited and waited and hoped for the tutoring thing..but it just came to late..:( and that does make me very very sad :(

but sad feelings aside..i really am feeling rather scattered right now still..and not completely ok with things..once i was up this morning and moving around after turning in paperwork super early..i felt ok..i almost felt happy..it was shocking...i actually saw both of my clients today..without calling out or switching anyone around ..and i am happy about that..its been a while since ive done that... but seeing the baby of course does brighten my day..and they had a new little puppy ..and it was fun of course using the playdoh and things..and so all that was ok...but then the person i saw after t was ok too but a little harder cas i was thinking about all the stuff from t and it was making me a little nervous and on edge but not horrible to deal with...

t was well t..it was fun and incredibly distracting today..thanks to me and wanting to do everything but therapy lol..i showed her the new book from yvonne and gave her a picture which she is going to hang in her window..talked about the interview and going to va..and she told me she was proud of me..more than once actually.. :$ and then we talked a bit about moving and putting in my notice and all of that..and she told me how important it was to not wait..and yeah i had planned on waiting ..but talking about it with her and her well refusing to do it for me..made me worried and i knew if i didnt do it today then it would have done it all week and i didnt really have much more time to play with in that area..and sooo i worried and stressed about it and back out of actually doing it and finally just managed to get it out and kinda let one of my supervisors know..she is going to let my other supervisors know and then well i have to tell all my families :( and im not looking forward to that at all..but anyway back to t stuff..so we talked about moving and ending with her..and well she told me that she thinks i need to have a goal of ending with her completely by january..and finding a new t in va by then :( ...but in the mean time i can talk to her on the phone and see her when i come back to nc to do stuff..so that will have to work .. but im not to pleased with it really..and im worried big time about not having reg face to face t .. i really am..and i know we will be ok but that doesnt ease the fears any at all...but then i managed to sidetrack t yet again by showing her pictures online..and asking about her tree and who would remind her to water it..and yeah..lots of distracting today.. but left her feeling once again almost happy in all its creepy weirdness..(no idea what was in my juice this morning!)

and i told one of my families kinda already that im leaving today..i told my clients guardian but not my actual client..she doesnt need to know yet...but i was happy cas her aunt told me that they may have found her a group home to go to and that is what she needs..she needs some independence and living on her own..but i have to tell my other families and im not really looking forward to having to do that..one family in particular that i may have to beg one of my supervisors to help with cas they are not gonna be happy that im leaving ..

but maybe its just been a lot to take in for one day..i dont know..im tired and feeling so many different things that it just frustrates me right now..all of it

rainbow cake fun :)

rainbw cake fun :) :) it was awesome

hmmm

what do you want to be remembered for? what do you want your life to mean? i was on a message board this morning and someone had asked that..and i read and reread the message and wondered you know if maybe i was reading it wrong or missing the point to it or something..and i wasnt..i just dont have an answer to it..i dont know what i want to be remembered for..im so afraid of being forgotten but i dont think i do anything that ill be remembered for..and it bothers me..a lot actually that i cant agree on one thing ive done that means something to me...yes ive done a lot of things..ive gone a lot of places..ive graduated from college..ive had jobs..and none of it is anything big i guess..nothing jumps out at me as spectacular or important..im just me..and i see nothing interesting with that at all

:(

back at home

well im back at home now..im very very glad that the trip with family is over...it was hard..it was very lonely..cas i know at times my mom and sister talked about me..mommy of course freaked about my driving and speed and everything..once we were at my brothers school he was the important one..everyone was more important than me..blah blah blah, same old stuff i guess...it is frustrating ..and sad ..but back home and its done for now...and things are hopefully going to get back to normal..i hope...feeling quiet..sad..i dont know..not really interested in anything right now...doesnt help that im still really tired..hating that its monday and i have to go to work..but its monday and i have to go to work cas the option is staying home with mommy who doesnt have to work today..and yeah..i would rather work..so have to drag myself to get ready and what not..soon...trying to work on paperwork but yeah..not going so great with that since i havent even started yet lol..just need to do one on the computer and the rest i can work on throughout the day..got up this morning and wasted time online as usual..applied for another job...found one i would like to apply for but they are doing open interviews this upcoming wed throughout the day and i wont be there..which stinks..but its ok cas im guess they will do them again at some point..im not stressing to much about it..and yeah mommy has been super mad at me cas i did something really stupid and let my car insurance stop...and then she found out about it and so all our 'talks' for the trip was centered around that and how stupid it was for me to let that happen..and yes i admit i should have paid more attention to it..and with all the car changing and rental cars i did stop paying attention to it and so now its like i have to get more car insurance and yeah..just not smart.. ive learned that my state kind frowns on driving without insurance ...but oh well i guess ill have to just see what happens with it now..and since today is a holiday ill have to get all that sorted out tomorrow before wed...and yeah guess thats about all for my rambles for today..for now anyway...

mad

how is it that the insurance company can lose checks ???? that they dont get where they are supposed to go and now im in trouble because the stupid bill on the car hasnt been paid and im not supposed to pay it!!! good grief it just pisses me off..thats why i was paying for the stupid insurance and now its all still screwed up and its been like 6 months and the checks seem to have disappeared and now mommy is pissed at me because the collections place is calling her job and i call them and keep getting the darn answering machine..and ugh its all a mess and its not even my freaking fault

!!

guess what!!

i have a job interview next week!!!!

for a job in va

holy cow i wasnt expecting it to happen at all and now ive heard back and wow its really happening ..

so now i have to figure out all the things ill need for going up there and all of that fun stuff...wow..just wow

-sigh

i feel very stupid and very embarrassed for needing to have a good touch/bad touch chat with linda today... it was about past stuff but it just was overwhelming