jealousy?

im thinking about jealousy a lot lately..more than i want to actually..is it a good thing to be jealous of other people? is it a bad thing? I dont know really..i guess it just kinda depends on what you do with your feelings..like you can be as jealous as you want but that doesnt mean you have to be mean to the person, or break there stuff and anything like that..no need to hurt them to make yourself feel better type stuff..that would be bad..that would be wrong..but being jealous and not acting on the thoughts isnt as bad..but maybe i guess its still one of those things that depends on the person.what they learned growing up..values, morals, etc, and so on..was i taught to be jealous? no..-sigh- i was taught to just want more..bigger..better..because i couldnt have everything i wanted..i had to share..i had to give up things, i had things taken away..and so i always wanted what other people had..i wanted everything..i wanted nothing..i just wanted i guess..and if i couldnt have it then i stole it..and then i no longer wanted it...maybe im thinking about all of this because of therapy..and the fact that she has a stress ball that i want and cant have anymore..she had two at first and told me i could have one..but i didnt want it at the time..i wanted to hold it and play with it, and dropped it a million times and watched it roll across the floor..but i didnt want to leave with it..and then she went and let someone else have it ..and now theres only one and now i want it and cant have it..i ask for it at least once a week and get upset because now i really really want it and she wont give it to me anymore ..how messed up is that?? the whole thing could have been prevented, i could have taken the ball when she offered it to me the first time..and i didnt..and now it just makes me upset..and it doesnt make sense?! it is completely my fault you know..i passed up the chance to have it and now it makes me mad..no im not going to steal it..but i want it so much it drives me crazy..and i think that the more i cant have it..the more i want it..but its not just material stuff that makes me jealous..im jealous of ppl who know how to talk and be heard..and i cant do it.im jealous of my sisters friend who attempted suicide..and im horribly ashamed of myself for that .but its just that she tried to do what i thought about nonstop and didnt have the courage to go through with it..im jealous of families that can get along and not argue..and actually like each other..im jealous of the kids that are saved from being hurt..when it feels like i was just left to suffer and manage on my own..im just jealous right now ..because i want everything i cant seem to have

a really very bad day

I am not sure I will ever really have my say. :unsure:

mommy was very very mad at me today..this morning because i did not want to loan her money for something and because i didnt answer her when she calls. why would she expect me to be up at 7 in the morning just to answer her when she yells at me? Then I mix up my dreams and her calling me and cant separate it out, and it just leaves me scared and anxious. She was mad though and called back to let me know just how mad she was. She let me know I was selfish, mean, etc. I didnt do enough, I didnt give enough. She does everything and I do nothing. She brought up me moving and how much she will have to give to help. Her helping with my moving was supposed to be a birthday gift. No I wasnt expecting her to cover all the costs. I really wasn't, but listening to her yelling at me this morning made it seem like I just took everything from her and gave nothing in return. I will leave and make sure I stay out of her hair. I wanted to do a lot of not so good things this morning, but I didnt do any of them. I couldnt deal with all of the noise in my head or the silence that insued from me turning everything off in my room because it was to much to handle. I cried off and on the entire time I made myself get dressed and ready for work because staying at home today would have just left me feeling much worse. I cant handle it, I cant deal with any of it. All day I have had the worst headache, I keep thinking about everything that happened this morning and it was such a one sided argument. Not even a real argument, but i dont know what else to call it. She talked, I listened. She yelled and complained and blamed me for all of my faults and disgraces and whatever else she could come up with on short notice and I said nothing. I didnt defend myself, and just let it all go on until she hung up on me to let me know that the conversation was over. Why didnt I stand up for myself? argue? prove her wrong in some way? prove my worthiness in some way? I did nothing at all :lightning Half the time I listened I agreed with her, half the time I just wanted to scream for her to just stop and leave me alone. We dont get along anymore, maybe we never did, maybe I just made myself believe we did or that I just wanted to believe we did and that it would all be ok. I still have a headache from this morning, I went to work and was just there because I didnt want to talk to or be around anyone. I have been so just disconnected today, I did what I had to do, what I was expected to do and that was all. I answered my phone every single time mommy called, so she wouldnt think I was being unjustly mean or rude. I agreed to what ever she said because I didnt want to be selfish. I erased every single emotion from my thoughts so that I wouldnt come across as anything she didnt like. Not even that is good enough though, nothing is good enough. She is trying hard to control how and when i move. it is becoming daily, that I shouldnt move without a job, that i should commute here during the week and only stay in va on the weekends. I should look for a job and apply where she says. i should go up sooner and just find a place to stay until i can move in, on and on and on. i finally told her i had a phone interview and i wish i hadnt..ive had two this week, the one i did today more promising than the one i did the other day, but as soon as she asked about pay and i told her, her advice was to keep looking. the job i want i cant settle for, i have to find something better according to her. but i really liked the job i did the phone interview for today, and its like it just doesnt matter. I dont know why i bother or try to do anything. i was stupid and told yvonne that ..well i asked her if she would say nice things at my funeral ..that was oh bad I was feeling earlier and said absolutely nothing about it to anymore..i still need to apologize to her for sending her that message..im just messing up things today.

forgiveness?

i was watching something yesterday about forgiveness and ive been thinking about it because i cant decide how i really feel with it..

why do you forgive? whats the point of you know just forgiving someone for something they have done or them hurting you? maybe im seeing forgiving as forgetting and thats not how it is supposed to be..

but basically what i got yesterday is that you are supposed to forgive for yourself not for the other person who you are upset with...its not about them.its about you and well you ability to be able to move on with your life instead of staying stuck and mad and just upset with everything...

i guess it makes me mad thinking about it..cas i want to be mad at them..i want to hate them and blame them for what they did..not for who i am..which is two different issues i think..but being mad at them doesnt so a thing to them..nothing at all..all it does is keep me stuck and hurt and ashamed of myself..but im not sure i can forgive them either..

having a very hard day

i wwant to cut..but not really..i just want to escape somewhere..anywhere..get away..im sad and just i dont know sad..and nevermind im stupid and selfish and dont know why i ever think differently

more job thoughts

all morning ive been worrying about jobs and what im going to do aabout that..and my current scheme involves keeping my job here for an extra month..and just being here during the week and in va on the weekends..but im worried it will be to much in like gas money and stuff..but i dont know :(..i mean it could work for a little while..if it absolutely had too..but im just worried about all of it..maybe ill do my 2 weeks notice at the beginning of oct and then ill get a paycheck through the first part of nov..and i dont know because then its like well i wont have a job or anything..which i think is the goal for some reason..just a little time without work to regroup or relax or something..and that wouldnt last long cas to much free time leads to boredom extreme..but just a little while..but the logic of driving back and forth between va and nc is a huge commitment...the only real plus being that there is no rent needed for oct and i can move whenever..but i figured the 3rd would be good..but maybe i need to move it to the middle of the month? oh i dont know..i think its just the hassle of finding a job is throwing me off..

sucktastic wed

i think im gonna go with just finding something (i hope) and then looking for something better if it doesnt work..but im going to apply for everything i like lol..just to keep it interesting for the next couple weeks and see what happens..

head is so so fuzzy right now..i didnt want to wake up yet but mommy started calling me about stuff and im half asleep and saying yes and ok to all this stuff and im not even sure what really..and it makes my head spin cas then i did get up and cant remember what all she was yelling at me about :-/ and if i forget or dont do something it will be more trouble..i really hate this :(

we are leaving to go to sc today after work..so around 6 or so...not thrilled but i have new books and my ipod and so we will be ok..i should charge the batteries in my camera so we can take pictures cas i think the hotel is real close to the beach..i miss taking pictures..and then will be back friday morning..bright and early..for work and what not ..

cls mom is still in the hospital :( i stopped by there house yesterday to check on my client since i hadnt seen her out and about when i was working with my other client lol..wow thats a little confusing..umm yesterday after noon they were going to see if she could breath on her own without the machines and stuff..but i havent heard anything about that..so i dont know how it went..

but i guess i better stop rambling and pull my head together and do something ..but im thinking today is gonna be super hard for pulling my head together :blink:

job wonderings

not sure what to do about a job though..do i just apply for what i know im qualified for and get something and well settle i guess..or do i hold out and hope ill find something better..and look at the possibility of moving without a job..or do i get a job and keep it for a while ..and still look for a better job?? because a lot of what im seeing openings for is still the hourly, no benefits that i have now..and i wanted to get away from that..but if its a job and the money is ok then whats the problem with keeping it for a little while just so that i have money coming in and just keep looking for something different? i know i still have time and everything to decide but i just want something now before moving and if it doesnt work out or i dont like it i can change it right ? but i have to start somewhere dont i??

tricked yet again

Today was supposed to be a day to relax but that is not happening now that mommy is home. As soon as she got home it was one thing or another that needed to be done or talked about. Wearing a hair tie on my wrist must be code for asking what im doing and why im wearing it. Telling her I do not want something because I dont have the money for it is code for her to get it anyway and then tell me ill have to pay her back when i have the money. I thought telling her pretty straightforwardly that I did not want them was being as clear as I could be about it but I guess even with saying no I missed something . So now I have a pair of sneakers that I need but knew I couldnt afford. She got other things for the new apartment, well for my room in the apartment and I told her they were ok, because I didnt think a no would get me anywhere at all. I cant remember the last time I set foot in a church, but her way to save me is to go and buy me a copy of the lords prayer and then tell me I am to keep it in my room and not lose it. She started in on the are you really sure you want to go, and do you care that I will be in the house all alone conversations today too, when I was 'trapped' in the kitchen helping with stuff. What am I supposed to say no? That I could care less about you being in the house alone? I dont like being guilted into caring about something, or saying something just to make her feel better. She does very little to make me feel better so why should I have to bend over backwards to make her happy?

Not to mention it has been decided that we are taking a day trip this week to Myrtle Beach because a friend of hers is there. I am going because that means I will be driving and so we will take my car. I have nothing in common with the two other kids that are there. They are years younger than me and what am I supposed to do with them? I don't want to 'hang out' with mommy at all and I dont want to even go but I am going. I get to miss work to go, because I started to say no and then somehow it turned into an ok. I'm not even sure how. It is only an overnight trip and I know it wont be a big deal but it makes me nervous and puts me on edge big time. I don't trust being in the car with mommy at all anymore, I don't need or want to sit through any more one on one talks with her where she assumes she knows what she is talking about and questioning me about. I don't want to deal with it but I will.

just a lot of thoughts going through my head right now. Feeling very upset and sad right now.

i dont know

What is it really that you are supposed to get out of life? What dreams are you supposed to follow and live up to and work so hard all your life to get, only to find out you no longer want them. is that it? there is something worth living for isnt there? dreams can change all the time and thats ok. but in general you are supposed to be doing things that make you happy right? working towards so far off goal that makes all of this worth it but i dont know how to find that i really dont. i dont know what im working for and trying to get or what im supposed to be doing. linda has been telling me alot lately that she wants me to be happy and safe and loved and accepted and all this stuff that i never hear and it all seems so unattainable..like its something i can never have or will never have but she can see it and i cant and it confuses me a lot. its all making me sad right now..not in a i should have my life planned out kind of way but its just that im missing so much and cant seem to have any of it..i dont know

is having a very confusing day

things in richmond

well back home...so odd..well a little odd i think being back even though i was only gone for like 3 days..i dont know..just feeling different about being here..maybe cas i dont want to be here anymore .. it was really hard leaving and having to come back home :( wanted to just call it quits with everything and stay up there with them..but couldnt..and so a good portion of yesterday was spent trying not to cry..not that it went well cas did cry some ..but well it will have to do for now since its not like i can just pick up and leave tomorrow..so im sure it will take a couple days to get things settled back into the usual routine..the weekend was actually very productive..richmond is an interesting area and im glad i got to go and help look for places...there are some really nice apartments up there and what not..and some decent sells too..and it was pretty cool that quite a few places have openings already for oct..and we looked at like 8 different places..and my friend explained the downtown set up..and the warehouse apartments did sound pretty cool but i would have spazzed out living downtown.. really would have...and so we both agreed it was better and safer to stay away from those..and we looked outside of richmond a little and did have a really nice place picked out..but then i just randomly picked up an apartment finder from some place we were at and started looking through it..and i would find places that looked interesting and then give yvonne the address and she would tell me if it was a safe area or not, and there was only one place that we drove through that made me really have no intention of even getting out of the car..super uncomfortable feelings..and it was just yeah keep going no need to stop type deal...but yvonne so had a list ready lol..which i was glad for cas i had no idea where we would be starting at..and so we went back and forth and i saw a lot more of the city and different areas...and it was one of the places that i found in the apartment place that we decided on...we managed to get to right before they closed and the lady that showed us around really was very nice..and they are townhouses and it had bunches of space and its nice...and its in richmond but not the downtown part..the bed rooms are nice sizes also cas there were a couple places where it was like a master bedroom and then the smaller bedrooms and we both have way to much stuff to even start the who gets the bigger bedroom ordeal...so we worked hard to find a place that had close to the same size bedrooms...but i did like it a lot..and i like the townhouse set up..the biggest problem though will be getting the pet deposit for dusti..they are all so expensive and she has to come ..so that is going to take some extra work..but now its like i know where im going and that makes it seem a lot more real and that its going to happen...slightly scary because now all the other little worries creep in and it makes me a bit nervous..but im trying to stay calm since i know im still looking at maybe two months at home..but soon i actually have to start looking for a job..and knowing the place we are planning on moving into too..if it all works out of course gives me some focus at least..so that i kinda know what im looking at money wise and things..

today has not been a very good day..well it was and then i came home and it wasnt anymore ..

and i just kept getting angrier and angrier :(

just going to bed now..cant deal with anything else today

no i dont like mondays

essh
it took me two hours and a heck of a lot of random distractions to get my paperwork finished this morning..the sad part is that i was only working on one and it took that long! but i did get it finished at least...i may be late for work but darn it i get to sleep in tomorrow morning lol..ill get them finished today and turned in tonight im hoping before coming back home..and that will be one less thing to worry about today! but now im kinda back to full time and will have to keep track of my hours better..not fun lol..i just show up..i hate keeping track of my hours..but with working a few hours each day..ill have to keep track of them because i cant do over 40 at all..and i think im hovering around 35-38 hours for now..well starting next week really ..but yeah big jump for the 25 and below a week ive been doing..im hoping that ill get a couple months worth of full time hours before moving..that would be awesome!

but i really do need to get myself together and go to work..gosh i really like that i can show up late some days and its not a huge deal..as long as i show up..

really need to quit eating so much junk food.. maybe when i get more money this week ill go to the grocery store and pick up some more stuff that we like to keep in the house..cas all this wanting to go out and pick up food is a huge waste of money when i stop to think about it..for some reason im just not interested in cooking at all lately..i dont know..ok im really going now

*It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.*~ Alan Cohen

just needing to ramble a bit

today i gave in a got a carfax report for my car..i realized a little late that i was a slacker and forgot to ask for it..but it had been bothering me because well i was worried something is leaking underneath my car..which i have now decided is the air conditioning..but still i have to take it in next week for an oil change and what not..and i was just worried because i didnt know the history you know..and so now im very glad that i did it and got the info on my car..im feeling much better about it and more stable with knowing that my car isnt going to just fall apart on me in the next couple weeks or something lol..but it was more for my benefit than anything else and now im a lot less worried about my car..and now that i can just keep up with the mainttence schedule and things will be alright

really no real clue what ive done today..all quiet things..reading, watched a couple really hold movies..gosh flight of the navigator! really ?!?! lol havent seen that in forever and it is still a really good if not slightly old movie ..but recognized it and stopped to watch it and realized it was one of those random i know ive seen this but cant remember but i know i liked it type moments! and played games online, wrote a little but not alot..just kinda zoned out and the day passed on..today was one of those yep a shower is way to much energy type days..

tomorrow i am going back up to my sisters and will be there for the day lol..i know when i go there im never home before midnight really..so ill have to plan for that..i always go and then never want to leave .. but cant spend the night..so home it is..


very super disappointed in the eating choices for yesterday...they couldnt have possibly been any more unhealthly :( and i knew i was making horrible choices but it was just ugh..not worth the effort of trying..i know the meds are messing with my eating habits a bit..and its just during the morning hours im not hungry..and then i eat ..and then at night im starving and just want to eat everything possible and some nights i manage more than others..but the feelings are there a lot lately..blah..really doesnt help that all i want is junk food..

t talked about body image and scars the other day..and ive been thinking a lot about it and cant get my thoughts in order concerning any of it..