so tired

well the urge to clean has been more than taken care of tonight..i cleaned my room..like a cleaning overhaul really..swept, vacuumed, moped, dusted, put laundry away, picked up trash, etc, etc, etc..cleaned all of dustis stuff even...worked super hard to get as much of the cat hair and dust up as i could and i think i did a good job you know..and 3 hours later and after putting it off for so long im pretty much done..just gotta finish a few things tomorrow sometime and well whatever it is mommy wants me to do..cas since im the only one upstairs then its kind of assumed im in charge of cleaning everything up here anyway..but whatever..i did it and hopefully its good enough cas i dont have the energy to do it all over again..but i have to admit it is always nice to have a clean room..and some weekend when mommy isnt here ill actually combat cleaning my closet out..but not tonight..

went to therapy today and it was ok actually..talked..i gave her ..well i let her copy the 'story' im working on..actually didnt color today though..but we did talk about my newest collages and shes like them lol..its funny..but i was very glad i went..next week it will just be once because of going out of town i think..and thats ok..

i already told mommy i would be going up to see my sister this weekend ..at least one day..cant spend both days at home..not this weekend..just cant deal with it..

and i just have to see one cl tomorrow..the baby for an hour and go to my pdoc appt..and thats my day..so maybe ill do something fun inbetween that..since it will be a huge huge break lol..may just come home..but dont know yet..

but im having a hard time keeping my eyes open so i better go and finish up what i still have out tonight and just call it a night!

things arent going to change

i will be on my best behavior from now on until i have moved. Mommy 'talked' to me today, and talked, and talked, and talked. Everything that i need to work on, that I need to be more open and talk to her. That she is concerned and scared about the scars, and on and on and on. She says that she doesnt care what I do but then still turns around and tells me what I need to do. I had to call around about the insurance for my car..and get all that straightened out..and I was feeling so excited and proud of myself for getting my insurance lower for next month once i catch up with this months lagging bill of course..and I tell her about it in my new effort to be as good as i can be..and yeah she told me i should be excited..and in the same breath told me that i needed to keep looking for something better..i would rather stay with my current insurance now..i would..but still how i handled it isnt good enough to just be..no i still have to work on it..i still have to make it better some how...she has been asking more than once if I am gay or not, which I still dont think is any of her business but after the remarks over the weekend about setting me up with one of my sisters husbands friends I am just not even going there with her..i dont care how open she thinks i need to be with her..and i really dont think im gonna tell her any more than i do now..but i guess i will have to make some sort of effort in it all to keep things cool until moving.

same old stuff

im ok..just sad but thats nothing new..keep having to remind myself that what happened yesterday was not ok..and that mommy had no right at all to do what she did..mother or not ..i guess its just the way she did it and just assumed she would get her way..im tired of her getting her way..and making me feel bad in the process..linda said its not ok that she can make me feel so bad so fast..that its not good that she has that much control and that i do agree with..but living here i dont think it will change..after leaving maybe it will be easier to separate things out and have more space and boundaries ..long term time away..something..but chatted last night with a couple ppl online and they got me really distracted onto other things..and it was good because then i had to think about other stuff to keep up with the convo..and gradually the issues with mommy werent as overwhelming.. going back to lay down for a little bit before talking myself into getting ready to leave

well it was a good day..but its not now

am so so so mad at the mom right now..she has no right at all to touch me anymore..none and what does she do..decides to check my legs cas of bug bites and starts pulling up my pants and finds out i have scars on my legs..i told her no she couldnt see them and asked her to stop..and when that didnt work i asked her to please stop..and she let go of me..but i freaking know thats not the end of it..what will it be next?? will she wake me up in the morning and tell me that she stayed up all night worrying about me?? what will everyone think?? who will she go and complain about me too?? all this time ive kept the bulk of them hidden from her..aand today is the day she sees a few of them..god i wish she would just leave me alone..was feeling so much better and now im almost back to where i was..stressed out and on edge and worried..big time worried..maybe she will be too ashamed of me to even bother bringing it up again..but no im most likely not that lucky..and she will bring it up again..and soon..and ill just be a failure and someone to be ashamed of

monday blues

emailed that last post to linda last night and yeah pretty embarrassed about it now .. but i guess its good she will know right? i dont know..just i dont know :snoopy went to work today and well it was good to get out of the house and just go to work and worry about someone else for a little while..still feeling really sad..but not suicidal anymore..so thats good..just wish the sad feelings will go away too..came home a little late and just hanging out at home..cleaned up a little bit..and really just want to go and lay down..early early day tomorrow..with paperwork and stuff and hopefully being on time for work tomorrow and linda and everything..think im going to ask if i can come twice this week..i think the huge amount of time inbetween sessions is really making it hard to deal with stuff..after going twice a week for so long..really i think i can only handle my head for short increments of time

watching coraline ...again..dont know what the appeal is to the movie..but yeah..watching it again..

not really feeling ok

i guess i really should have seen this coming..but i didn't..all week i've been stuck thinking about other stuff..past stuff..not obsessively but just thinking about a lot of different things a lot..and i cant seem to get any of it out..and so i keep thinking about it..writing isn't helping so much because i think i keep not writing what i really want to write..but i still cant put any of it into words and it frustrates and upsets me..

today ..this weekend..just hasnt been good at all..im tired of being in the house..im tired of being asked what im doing with my money..im tired of being questioned and picked on for no reason...why did mommy need to bring up any of my money issues with nia today?? they werent her concern..and they most certainly werent nias but still she brought it up to show how selfish i am..she tells me how much ive messed up..how much i havent done..how wrong i am..over and over and over..and walking away doesnt take awawy any of the words she says..i still konw..i still hear and it all hurts just the same..and its just being in the house and not really allowed to go anywhere that makes it worse..i messed up again..said to much..and now im paying for it..i said i didnt have money and in mommys eyes i have been to the store to many times in the past couple days..she wants to know what i bought and then gets pissed off when i dont tell her..if i even leave the house now i have to tell her where im going..im not allowed to spend the night with nia anymore because mommy doesnt want to be in the house alone..i dont do anything and what i do have is being slowly taken away from me now...i want to cry in frustration..anger..something..i want to scream all of my anger and hurt at someone and maybe that is why the urge to cut is so very strong right now..i want to hurt..i want to make my head stop..i want everything to stop and i want to be left alone..i mentioned that i wasnt allowed to go anywhere to yvonne and she asked me if i was grounded..something that i have never outwardly acknowledged at all..i was never grounded..i was hit and yelled at and told i couldnt do something but it was never grounding..but thinking about this weekend and the fact that i have to sneak out while mommy isnt home and i guess it is being grounded in a way..how can i be grounded?? im supposed to be an adult..i cant be grounded! and at the same time i know that ive pushed my limit for the weekend ..and im back in being good mode..i cant deal with another argument about my lack whatever it is that im lacking in this time..yvonne even offered to come and pick me up today..but i couldnt go with her..i have to go to work tomorrow..i cant just disappear..i may not come back at all..

all of it makes me tired ..and im just so sad right now..depressingly sad and slightly suicidal..really want to cut but that has changed since i know i wont do it..now i just want to go away..to be left alone ..to not be seen..i have such a headache ..sitting up makes it worse..laying down makes it hurt more..and i end up just wasting time staring into space because theres nothing i want to do..i just want to lay down and forget i even exist until its tomorrow and i have to go back to existing again..for now..i dont have to exist anywhere and im sure it wont be noticed..its been a while since ive left this bad and it makes me upset because i thought i was better..i thought it wouldnt happen again and that i wouldnt be suicidal anymore and i wouldnt have to deal with anymore thinking that i wanted to just go away..and its not true...i thought taking the meds would make it all go away and maybe i was just fooling myself into thinking that it would and that everything would be ok and happy and nothing would be wrong and its not like that..and i dont like it at all..because i start to forget how bad it can be and then a weekend like this happens and i have to remember again and i dont want too..all of my energy has to be focused on making sure i stay still..making sure i dont go and take all the meds that i have..or go out and buy razors that i want a lot right now..that i dont just get in my car and drive until im lost or something..because then it means i dont have to be at home..i cant even get out of the house if i wanted because of the alarm that is on the downstairs door..the box thing is in the kitchen and so mommy knows every single time the door is opened..and if i go out she will come after me and what to know what im doing..and its just not even worth it to bother trying. it really isnt..and before i became so annoyingly depressed i was thinking about how much i hated that i was always so focused on making everyone else happy and how i didnt want to do that anymore..because it was just too much work..too much energy..and now im back to having to be good and quiet and just kinda go away in some way...have to stay slightly unfocused..slightly out of it to even make it through the rest of the day..and then tomorrow ill wake up and not be able to even remember what i did if anything..i dont like this at all

just upset

and i knew it.. yeah i beat her home but she still brought up that im spending to much money after telling her i didnt have any ..it upsets me that she wants to tell me what i can and cant do with my money :( its not her business what im doing with my money..its just not..she asked for some and i gave her what i had..and still thats not good enough..she says she doesnt care but still she brings the issue up..why does it matter ??!! its not her business or her concern..im not asking her for money..ill make sure i never ask her again for money cas paying her back is to hard..and ok maybe i had money ..a little more than i told her ..but why would i tell her exactly how much i had when i know all she is going to do is tell me she needs it for some bill..she brings up how much she gets for me..groceries and what not..points out what i buy ..she asked yesterday what i bought at the store..she tried to ask today what i bought and i didnt tell her everything..but just being asked like that makes me upset and nervous..im glad she cant get into my bank account anymore..i really am..im selfish and should be more giving..i should do more around the house..blah blah blah..its all so stupid

another day

yesterday was frustrating a bit..and a lot of that had to do with work and my cl being an well frustrating to put it nicely..but we ended up going to the library and that was nice since i do like the library..how im in the middle of reading 3 books i still dont understand but yeah lol..and then i some how convinced myself that i needed to buy 3 movies that the library had on sale.. i remember quite clearly thinking i did not need the movies..and yet i still end up walking out of there with 3 movies ! lol...good thing they were only a dollar each! and then i went and hung out with the kids i babysit..well they were back and forth and i was just there for a few hours lol..not really doing anything ....but it was cool..cas both of them are still the same little rugrats ever and both still randomly come and hug me when i least expect it..i told there mom she needed to stop sending them to camp cas i didnt have anyone to hang out with!

but have to go to work a little earlier today because then i have to go to the office and exchange toys :) and i admit i am a little excited about that ..i love toy exchange days lol..its an excuse to 'try out' all the toys! and then after that i dont know what ill be doing..may babysit..may just end up at home..mommy already told me that i cant go and spend the entire weekend at my sisters..and now i just feel a little stuck because i dont want to be stuck here at all home weekend either..but when i go up to see nia i always end up staying way longer than i planned! and then never get home before midnight when i dont spend the night..so i dont know what to do about any of it just yet ..

all out of words

thoughts

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rambles in general

today once again did not get off to a very good start with mommy..its been two months since i have been in the house alone with her and well yeah..way to much attention all at once again..and its just hard i realize once again to be just me in the house alone with mommy..on another side note nia will be moving home once rob goes over seas ..she doesnt want to and i cant blame her..its like we are all cycling through being at home right now..but still ill take my chances at struggling my butt off in va still..and yeah it will be a hard hard super hard struggle for a while..

but anyway..mommy had issues with my hair this morning..seriously..made me go and redo my hair ..why it mattered i dont know..but it upset me..because its like i was just going to my sisters..i put on decent clothes..i did the usual would mommy approve train of thought while getting dressed..and still something was wrong..something had to be changed..and it was just depressing you know..cas i started thinking again that i wasnt good enough..and it was upsetting..but i try not to think about it to much..but through out the day the thoughts did creep into my head..and i had to push them away..think about something else..and i guess its ok..well not ok but just managing somehow i guess..

but went up to nias today to get away from being at home and it was fun..for the most part..i caught up on laundry and that was nice cas i was getting a bit behind! .. and we cooked out and hung out..watched a movie.and in general chilled out...i was the one who cooked the food on the grill and the only bad part was that the smell of smoke was stuck to me..the food turned out good but yeah way way too smokey..still feeling slightly sick but i dont know if its from the smoke or from eating way too much! both are making me feel slightly sick and nauseous ..want to just go and lay down but yeah gotta make up my bed first and put laundry away and i dont think ill manage at all right now..didnt get back from nias until almost midnight..and im glad mommy was sleep already cas she would have yelled at me..specially cas i told her i would be home by like 10 or so :( but she was sleep and i slipped in without her knowing what time it was..she may still yell in the morning but ill be more rested then i guess..

my usual money worries are going on..going to have to chance plans a bit..and im trying to figure out a way to work it all out and well no idea how any of it is gonna work out just yet ..

still picking at bug bites..i need to never ever ever use white sheets..all the bleeding bug bites just get all over the sheets and well yeah..not cool at all you know but just have to deal with it..its really not anything new..its just not been this bad in a while..essh

scary moment tonight when i almost ran out of gas in creepyville..not cool at all and i will never push my tank to run on gas fumes again..was so scared and nervous and worried i wouldnt make it to the gas station!

my newest favorite picture

dusti had a cute moment today :)
and actually stayed put for me to take the picture!

somethings are good..somethings are badddd

today has been draining and im not even sure why..thinking too much i think..feeling way too guilty about things ..just things in general i think..i dont know..im so confused and quiet..i want to be alone..i want to be acknowledged but i cant have both..and so i just go for being alone..because talked about that a little with t..how i isolate myself when im not feeling ok..and it true..i do..i know i do..but its so hard seeking support or hugs when there is no one that i trust like that near me :box ..looked for my bear last night and didnt even have the energy to get up and find it..ill pull it out tonight though and stick her back on my bed

but anyway..went to work..it was ok i guess..i was a bit more zoned out than usual..and my side of the conversation with my cl did not really consist of many actual words..and i almost feel bad for not paying attention and for thinking that i just wanted my client to leave me alone... but we went and saw harry potter and overall the feeling when leaving was disappointment..im not sure yet about the movie..it didnt keep my attention very well..maybe cas i was waiting so much to see what was going to happen at the end..and how it all played out..need to go and see it again..it was enjoyable you know..but not as good as what i was expecting..

and then i came home from work late and got rushed to go to this meeting thing about some new way to make money..and as much as i hated being forced into going..it does seem like a good idea to sign up for it..and ill be hooked into my brothers info and so as he makes money, i make money lol..and every little bit helps you know..but its interesting enough to look into a bit more seriously..but then mommy and my aunt were there too and they just made it so much more confusing than it needed to be..and they kept asking if i was going to refer ppl and get ppl signed up..and its like really ?! umm how many ppl do i know and talk to during the day? the week? the year?? who do they think im gonna get to sign up..and its like suddenly there is pressure where there doesnt need to be pressure..

and now im just tired..all that sleep last night and im still so very tired

yesterdays rambles

all i want to do right now and lay down and just zone out..managed alright i guess until t..and the sessions are turning into me just confusing t and getting her sidetracked away from things i dont want to talk about..well i try but she always manages to get me back on track..and today we talked more about one of the incidents i do remember slightly..and it was just i couldnt focus once we got started..and i listened to her but kinda stopped talking to her..and then im not sure..was really anxious when i left i know that..wanted to s'i horribly... stop at the store and just give in and buy razors but didnt..went and got a late lunch instead and read a book until calmed down enough to go home..the anxiety was really bad for a while..she said we would talk about it more..how can i talk about something that only fills me with shame and guilt? i feel nothing else about any of it..i dont hurt for what happened..i barely remember it..but talking about it..trying to talk about it..only makes me ashamed..maybe cas the blame is still so much in place that i cant feel anything else right now..i dont know..i just want to forget it..i can forget everything else but this ..this i remember and i dont want too..i say i cant talk about it..i do everything to get her away from the subject..but like she says i keep going..i keep trying..i say no and refuse to answer her while at the same time handing over my journal for her to read which is always full of just about everything and then some..how can i say no..think no..want to get up and leave her office and still sit there and freely give her my journal..so that she will know whats im thinking..what im doing? it means i want to get better right ? feel better ? then i feel bad also for the questions that i truly have no answers for :(...things i should know and dont...she talked a little about how i had written about how by the time this particular thing happened i had already learned to be quiet and do what i was told..but i dont know how i why i learned it..i dont know what happened before that to make it just an important thing to know..i dont know why it is just an important thing to know... it was just there..its always been there..but something had to put it there right?? those thoughts and beliefs cant just drop out of the sky on me can they?

im just full of questions and half thoughts tonight ..and im not sure i can get all of them out..

my other shock for the day was going to the pdoc office...they all know me ..like the ones i see the most i guess or the ones ive talked to in the past..(outside of the secretary person) the therapist there and the nurses..all know my name and remember me?! i havent been there for over a month and i just walk in today and they all say hi and ask how im doing..i guess i just get so used to thinking that im not important..not noticed or remembered...and then something like today happens when i am remembered and it shocks me ...ive done nothing to be remembered for but i am.. i dont know why...but i did get more samples..thankfully..and the nurse signed me up for an assistance program..and so ill get 3 months worth of meds delivered to their office and i can just go and pick them up..which is a huge worry off of me! i was stressing so much about how to cover a 100 dollar prescription when i was struggling with everything else right now...so im hoping that before i move they will reorder them for me..and so that will keep me ok with meds until like dec lol..

but now im just going to go and lay down for a bit..and hope the pressure in my head will ease a bit

starting to get stressed

well its monday again...ugh...not to thrilled it seems..have a really bad headache today..right now..just wanting to go back to bed..lots of worries about different things filling my head..trying to figure out how im going to be cramming everything that i need to do into this week.. so much to do it seems and im trying not to let it be overwhelming and i think its getting there.. :snoopy too much to think about..too much to deal with..oh boy..yes i think i really really need to see linda this week..just to have a bit of calm in the midst of a whirlwind..

just trying to even remember what i need to do..and i think i should prolly write stuff down..i have to make up an hour or so with work this week cas i flaked and didnt show up last week..so i think ill just stay later tomorrow since t was moved to a different day..and i have to get paperwork finished for today and turned in so that will be on less thing to stress about..need to figure out some place to do laundry this week..and other work stuff..if ill be babysitting..what im going to do about my prescription that i cant afford to fill..i have to reschedule pdoc cas i cant afford to see him either this week..the usual work and other issues going on..and in that im sure ill be cramming in transporting my brother to and from work as needed... i think im just stressed...and its a different type of stress i think..maybe it just feels different cas of seeing things differently lately..i dont know..

lol..so i wrote all that and then forgot what i had to do for the rest of the week..guess i should make a list huh..i have been thinking lots and lots about money and issues and moving and all that will involve and i hate how that to deal with all the stress we keep moving the date back..but it makes no sense to stress over it so much you know..so we finally picked oct 3rd to move..because of having to pay for so much other stuff right now..and needing to catch up..and having more time to go and check out stuff in va..finally just decided today that money wise it may not work out as soon as i want it too and i just refuse to borrow the money from mommy to move...i will not have her complaining and blaming me for her not having money..and then demanding that i pay her back before anything else..i hate that and so if i want to do it myself then that means pushing it farther away..but today i picked oct 3rd and thats what i will be working towards...i hope..its makes sense doesnt it? seems logical and well thought out right?? sometimes i wonder whether or not im making much sense

but im feeling better..work was work and it was ok...finished paperwork enough to turn it in tomorrow..and have to work tomorrow and then wed is linda..and thats cool..im hoping i wont be conned out of money by money for gas cas im trying so so hard to hold on to that money for t and not spend it on anything else..even gas..i just need to make it to the weekend and then i get paid next week and can afford stuff again..but for now its like uh no useless driving at all

bad timing

last night someone slashed my brothers tires while we was out in town..my brother isnt one to have enemies or whatever but you could see where they were slashed..who does that?? why would someone just randomly go and slash someones tires..tires arent cheap at all and replacing all 4 of them is a huge chunk of money..that no one freaking has...last night we had to go out there...mommy decided i needed to go for reasons im still not sure about..crap she made everyone go out there and look at it..they called the cops and everything and everyone just says that yeah they were slashed..and that it seemed like it was personal cas his car was the only one messed up...i feel bad for him i do..:( this is the second thing to happen to his car in less than 2 weeks and he is supposed to be leaving to go back to college next weekend and without his car he is seriously stuck right now..and because i was the only one around home with mommy when she found out about all of this..im the one getting yelled at and stuff cas shes flipping out about whats happened..and she cant do anything about it..so im in trouble and get dragged into town in the middle of the night to sit and watch everyone else sit and try to figure out what to do..its all a big mess..with seriously bad bad timing

you know what..yes im incredibly pissed off

you know what why is it that as soon as something good or decent happens then everyone wants to say how much they were willing to help?? how is it that now that i have a car everyone suddenly wants to make remarks about how helpful they could have been?? what the hell..it just upsets me because for 4 months i struggled and tried everything possible to keep a car..i worked my butt off to keep a rental, my aunts and uncles knew i was struggling..and no one ..not one of them offered to help me or loan me there cars or anything..and today we are having dinner and they started asking about driving my car and i said no..that no one would be driving my car..and the response was to make fun of my refusal to let anyone drive my car..to tell me that i needed to remember that they would be the ones helping if anything happened and that they wanted to know where my heart was...well you know what..my heart is buried in some small freaking box in the middle of no where because i said no and meant it and it just pissed me off..how can they just sit there and say how much they would have helped and that i needed to remember that when things are hard..and that i wont always be in on top..wtf???!!! four months i waited for the car..and do you know who helped me in the end?? mommy..no one else..not one person stepped in for any freaking thing and now they want to say they could have helped..could haves arent getting me anywhere..could haves arent doing a damn thing for me..mommy is the one who with all her arguing and complaining helped me and loaned me her car and money when i needed it..yes i have to suffer the constant reminders about it but oh well you know..she helped...and she didnt stand up for me..she didnt mention how much it took for me to keep the rentals for so long..she didnt say anything and i end up being the bad one..the mean one for saying no that no one could drive my car..im so so so upset right now

im upset..anxious..really wanting to pace back and forth and ramble on with my thoughts..they are moving into things that i dont want to really think about and i get scared..i am scared..and so so jealous..maybe its not jealously at all but thats all i know how to identify it as..i knew when i started watching the tv show what it was about..i figured it out from the commercials but i had to watch it..i had to see what happens..and it always plays out the same way..the kid is hurt..they forget..they grow up..they remember for whatever reason..they confront whoever hurt them..they tell..they are believed..they end up in therapy..and everything is all happy and healthy and good and its all a bunch of bs and i hate it because thats not the way it happens..its not its not its not ..it never happens that way..really you want to know why i never said anything at all?? because mommy wouldnt believe me..because it would have been my fault..i would have been in trouble..i did something wrong..and i didnt do anything i was just there..i was just following directions..i was good, and quiet, and did what i was asked to do..i dont remember what happened..i really dont..and how can not remembering make me feel so afraid and upset? its like i know something happened..something always happened..but then i dont know what it was exactly..how far it went..everything gets all jumbled up and then nothing is there at all..i dont even know why its bothering me so much..its just it always upsets me that the way its played out on tv makes it all seem like its not as big deal..that it all turns out ok..and it doesnt..its not all fixed in an hour.its not always believed..its not anything at all..it all just .. i just want it all to go away

i got my car !

and its awesome!

ashamed and hurt and i dont know

how can i be jealous of a 14 yr old..how is it that im so easily dismissable and forgotten? how is it so easy for me to be replaced, pushed aside, ignored when i am standing right there??? how come i never get the attention i want from mommy when im doing everything she is asking me for? my niece is here..staying..one of them anyway..shes 14..we have nothing in common but shes family and shes here and so i have to acknowledge her every so often when i see her...today we are stuck cleaning up..like full household cleaning..every room, every stupid floor, everything dusted, swept, wiped down, etc, all 50 million rooms in the house must be cleaned...more family is coming tomorrow for the holiday..everything must be in order, everything must be scrubbed down..i didnt complain when she told me i had to help..i just grabbed my ipod and started working..its easier to ignore mommy when i cant hear her..but about an hour in she just mentions that my niece is such a good cleaner, and a hard worker..i am doing the same stuff, im doing what she has asked me to do and its like its not the same..im not working hard enough..im not good enough..im doing something wrong..theres always someone to compare me too..and right now its a 14 yr old..how come i cant be like her..how come i cant get the attention she has ..and it just hurt you know..im working my butt off for no acknowledgment what so ever..she is working her butt off and at least she gets a good job..something..anything..its like what i do doesnt count at all..and im ashamed of myself for being jealous..

its not fair :(

nightly rambles

Im ok..awake still and tired and well to many things to really mention but yes ok again. we have read two full books tonight which is prolly why im still wired completely and awake..but the first one turned into a trigger for some of the eating issues and i think that is what brought forth the sad feelings..

and mommy lost some money today and she kept asking if i had seen it when i hadnt but its like she wasnt trusting that i was telling the truth..just kinda i dont know ..made me feel bad..cas i told her no..and it was the truth and she just kept asking me like i was lying ..being accused of things is a big big trigger im guessing...guess today well tonight has been one thing after another in that aspect of things..

have been picking at bug bites again..they are all bleeding..yet again ..you would think i would learn my lesson and stop adding more spots to my already scarred body..but no..i keep picking..scratching..whatever it takes...but im not cutting ... and yet that doesnt make me feel happy at all