ok trying again

somehow today...after becoming upset as usual over old things, and the thoughts starting to go haywire made me just realize that all of it is wrong..all of it is just warped in my head when it comes to thoughts and seeing myself and all of that..it makes sense to me but when i try to explain or try to make someone else understand it the same way i do..then it doesnt make sense anymore..i always wonder how it is that no one else agrees with me when i say im bad or stupid or something..i really do engage in some heavy transference a lot of the time..and it gets to the point of thinking that everyone else is lying to me or wrong or just not seeing it right..and i think mommy is right but then that doesnt make sense either because mommy is wrong..but what she says is more important for some reason..maybe i just cant seem to break that bond/dependence/whatever..actually i think ..well im thinking that im having a hard time seeing all of it from anyone elses point of view..i know my point of view..and i would think i could imply mommys point of view if i tried hard enough..but then i have loads of other ppl telling me all this good stuff and i wonder how so many people could be all wrong about me...and then its all confusing again..everyone cant be wrong..well they could but the odds of that happening are pretty slim..and someone has to be wrong in all of this..maybe i shouldnt say wrong..maybe its just ppls opinions and thoughts and actions cant be controlled by someone else..but i can control myself..i think..and i try to control everyone elses thoughts about me by not believing them when they are saying nice things because that goes against what i am used to hearing..and even though there are times i completely like hearing nice things about myself.i always forget them just as quickly..but i can think about all the negative stuff for days without stopping for anything..and mommy just feeds into it and makes it worse..or she starts it and i let it get worse without trying to stop it or without putting effort into realizing and acknowledging that she is wrong or that she is not telling me the complete truth..linda says i have to decide what i want to believe..as she has told me a million times and im still trying not to decide..i have moments of clarity that i have to admit are happening a little more often these days..but still they are fast moments of thoughts where it all just makes sense and i know with the utmost certainty that i am not stupid or bad..that i am not flawed in some huge way or just destined to forever be bad or in trouble..at some point it all has to stop..and im not talking stop like suicide or anything..but just stop like thinking wise about things that cant be controlled or even fixed overnight..which would then mean stopping just about all of my daily thoughts..and that is pretty funny..but i guess im just still so caught up in wanting to be wanted/loved by mommy..and so there is still that drive to be exactly who she wants me to be and to do what she wants..but if i cant even be in the same house and not feel suicidal then that should be an even bigger flashing sign that something is wrong..i want it to be better..and im afraid to let go of that..what will happen if i stop hoping for things to get better with her? what will happen then? the disappointed of being rejected on a fairly continuous basis is just getting harder to deal with..and i think that just adds to all the negative thoughts..how can i be good enough at anything when im always being told im stupid or that i should be doing something, i should be doing better. im not managing to live up to some expectation that i had forgotten was even in place, theres always something else to strive for, something to be better at..but it has rarely ever been what i wanted..i did what i was supposed to do, not what i wanted to do..and now having to decide what to do with therapy stuff is really hard..i wait still to be told what to do and linda doesnt do that..she wont tell me what to do..things cant always be right or wrong can they? its not bad to want out is it? im trying hard to remember i have options and all roads seem to lead to leaving..and im having to become ok with that..the world will go on whether im at home or not..but i guess id rather it went on without me being so suicidal and just stuck..i dont think i ever really truly want to die..i think its more of just the idea that dying means not having to deal with any of it anymore..that it will all be over and done with..but i dont want to die..i want the hurting to stop, i want the thoughts to stop, id like the chatter in my head to give me a break some days..but none are things that suicide would make better..and knowing that does nothing to make it better..not really..i cant comfort myself or remind myself that ill feel better in a few days because im not sure anymore..im not sure ill be able to keep convincing myself that suicide wouldnt help anything or make anything better..
guess i should stop rambling now

thinking

no im not stupid, or bad, or worthless or unimportant..or anything else i can come up with..or mommy can come up with..so i just decided today for some reason..its just so hard now to sit and agree and listen to all of it and let it make me so upset ..when i know its not true and i just get sidetracked into believing it because thats easier than trying not to believe it..but now is hard to agree to it and maybe it is because i have linda telling me over and over that its not true..and shes just managing to get into my head and take up space..maybe its just that im older and can see it more clearly..
and im having a really hard time writing this..maybe ill add more later..maybe not

you know what..

i want to travel...thats what i really want to do..i want to just go and see everything and learn about all these different places..all the different cultures and lifestyles and just see how there are so many different extremes to the same world..i want to go to Alaska and see the northern lights..i want to go to Australia and camp in butterfly gorge..i want to go and see New Zealand, Ireland, i want to go to England, Paris, Spain, i want to go back to DC, and Colorado, and visit all the random places that are in the middle of no where..and i want to remember it..

snoop

the adorable puppy i got to play with today at work :)

again

im sad
again
it really shouldnt surprise me at all..but i am and im glad i have to go to work and i cant back out of it ..because if i could i most likely wouldnt show up and that means staying at home and i dont want to do that either..so work it is for a few hours and then babysitting later on tonight..which will keep my busy for today at least..and maybe tomorrow i can figure out something to do to keep busy..if i get paid tomorrow then i can go and run errands a little bit..get caught up on a few bills and what not..fun i know..maybe ill get that book ive been wanting..but im taking my client to the library today so maybe ill be able to find something there that i want to read..and im just rambling so i guess im done

im just mad at everything right now..it all sucks and i hate it and i dont know

i want to scream

well ..really disappointed right now..surprisingly..the pdoc place let me know when i got there that they needed to reschedule me to next week because of more scheduling conflicts..they get one more try to get it right or whatever..the waiting and then not having it happen is making me really upset and its not helping the anxiety about the appt at all

you know..in everything that has happened this week..i have yet to tell mommy that i have a job interview..i dont want to tell her..i dont want her to ruin it by telling me for a week everything i should be doing or what i need to do..i dont want that..maybe ill wait until the day of the interview..i dont know..maybe i just wont tell her at all until afterwards..i dont know

why do they say it has to get worse before it can get better? why cant it just be better? now..i want it to be better right now and not some undetermined amount of time in the future..i dont want it to get worse and im not even sure it can but waiting around for it to get better is even harder..and i dont like it..at all

anxious..nervous..and thats about all

going in circles

today ... omg lol to put it nicely..my head is still spinning in circles from everything that has gone on today. first i finished 3 job applications this morning, one in email and 2 that i had to take to the post office to mail..and it just so happened that like 5 hours later i get a call from the place i emailed this morning asking me to call back and talk to them about my resume and stuff..and i freaked out almost instantly because it was like just way to soon and i was working myself up to just the possibility of a phone call or something..but no they called..and a few hours later i managed to pull myself together and called them back and talked to the lady and she sounded nice enough..and the interview is set up for umm june 9th..so its not to soon and it gives me some time to get used to the idea..and that makes it a little bit better..and then the pdoc place called which so makes me wonder if my t called and asked why i didnt get an appt lol...but anyway they called and so i have an appt to see that doc on friday which im also worried about ..went to work and that was ok..and then had to be an adult and take care of bills and getting things changed around and all that fun stuff and it all worked out ok for now i think...some things just have to be pushed into next month it seems..but one i had to cancel paying on completely for this month because it just wasnt going to work out..and then of course keeping the rental for another undetermined set of days...

.my head hurts big time right now and now im babysitting

im tired

for the second night in a row im so so tired..its only 9 and im ready to go to bed..im thinking about tomorrow and what i need to do tomorrow ..im a little worried about tomorrow but it will be ok i guess.

i saw linda today and it was ok..we talked about my weekend and how to help me feel better and handle the downtime at home better..which i dont think will ever happen but im going to have to try harder at it..-sigh- i hate it here but im stuck here..so i have to deal with being here for now..and that means dealing with it..somehow .. i want to believe what linda tells me but im not sure still..how can i not be sure? every day i come home and feel horrible or i talk to mommy on the phone or even just end up in the same room as her and get criticized or talked bout or picked on or something and it hurts..it always hurts..and i just still keep waiting..and i dont seem to really understand what happens..i notice it sometimes..more now than ever before but im still waiting..and maybe it is just harder because i am at home..because i am still dealing with it all every day and its harder to separate it..i wish i could just believe linda and everyone else..although the image i got from her today is still pretty funny about the balancing scales..and mommy vs everyone else..it makes sense seeing it like that..it really does..i even got distracted writing today and made a mini sketch of it in my journal..but maybe just knowing that its wrong and hurtful is enough to start with..tonight it was a little easier to let mommy just do her thing and kinda ignore her and not listen..but at the same time i was really tense when i figured out she was upstairs..i still wished to be any where else..the tension was in my shoulder and neck again because i was paying so much attention to listening and just waiting to see what was going to happen..so i dont know..maybe it will just get better in time..maybe im starting to see things differently and need to be a little more patient..i dont know

hmm i have a couple things to work on before seeing linda on friday..why is it so hard to tell her everything? :( i wanted to tell her what the bad thoughts were..i wanted to tell her all of them and instead of that i only told her a few..and now i want her to tell me the reasons why all of them are not true and not just the ones i told her about..because i told her that some of the bad thoughts were just that i was stupid, and that i couldnt do anything right, and that i was bad...but in addition to those i was thinking you know that i was worthless, that i deserved to die, that i was horrible and a waste of space..there are so many bad thoughts and i get so caught up in them but it is hard ..really hard to voice them to someone else..and it makes me sad..because then i just start thinking that im not trying or something..but umm im supposed to be making a list of things that i have done right ..and i think about it and i really do think that i worded it wrong but i cant figure out how i want to word it..because i cant think of anything that ive done right..maybe it should be things ive accomplished or something..and then i need to come up with some things to do on the weekend, to get me out of the house and away from mommy..and im still at a loss for both of those right now..no idea what to write or say about them..and i know trying to do it tonight isnt a good idea since all these things are rolling around in my head.and that it may be easier tomorrow or the next day to think about it and really put some effort into it..and who knows maybe one of these days i will get around to believing that im not bad or stupid or any of that stuff..i want to believe it..i do

and linda is going to call the pdoc place and ask about why i didnt get in for an appt..so im guessing she will fill me in on that on friday

so now im thinking about a lot of different things as usual..trying to figure out what i like to do..i dont know anymore..considering trying out watercolors..i feel like drawing actually and that is surprising since i am well not a great drawer..but i miss painting a lot right now and i want to paint and cant..so i just need to figure out some way to get the pictures out of my head..i dont know how to talk about them and i cant afford to lose any more words lol..seriously

well i guess im done rambling for the night..

"I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure--which is: Try to please everybody." - Herbert Bayard Swope

today..thoughts on the hospital

my head has been hurting all day today... i think im just feeling a little sick and didnt sleep well last night..i keep having dreams about abandoning a baby..its the second time ive had a dream like this that i remember..last night i seriously left the baby on the side of the road and just walked away..even thinking about it makes me feel horrible..beyond horrible..and its hard..last time it was just leaving the house and not knowing with whom i left the baby with..this time i completely just walked away and left her all alone..and i wouldnt let myself go back and when i did go back to check she was gone..and then i didnt know what happened and that made the dream seen 10x worse..i dont know how i come up with some of this stuff..but that really didnt help my mood at all upon waking up this morning..i wasnt ok in the slightest..but as usual i got up eventually and made it to work and did what i was supposed to do..and it makes me so mad that i cant just have my breakdown and actually breakdown..no i have to keep doing stuff and turning things in and calling my therapist..i did call linda this morning..it took a little while but i did it..and she actually picked up and that scared me a little since i was working myself up to leaving a message..but then i had to talk to her..and told her that i wasnt ok and we had our usual suicide is not the answer type chats..and she gave me ideas for staying busy tonight and tomorrow until i see her..and that was fine..it gave me time to focus a bit..clear my head a little in talking to her..but then she mentioned that the hospital was always an option and of course the refusal was almost instantaneous ..i was so mad that she even voiced that one to me..and i told her no and that it just wasnt an option and that i refused to go..and she said ok..she let me know that she would prefer it was my choice to go to the hospital..but that if she had to she would put me in the hospital..and i know that is always an underlying issue..i know that its her job to keep me safe if she knows im planning something..but i really would never ever talk to her again if she forced me into the hospital..i would never forgive her for that..so she let the issue drop..and things were ok again..but then me and my lovely head just seemed to latch on to the idea of the hospital later on..and wondering if maybe it was a good idea to just go and try and get a break from things in a safe place without having to worry about anything that stresses me out..get me away from home, etc..there are a lot of reasons it wouldnt work..like not being able to afford it, and having to possibly tell mommy, and missing work, and just my life stopping for a while you know..that is not ok..but then the cons would be being in a safe place, having constant support, getting a break from things, learning new coping skills, getting more support in place for outside of the hospital..there are just as many on either side..and its hard to decide which is the right way to go..if i cant keep a hold on the suicidal thoughts with lindas help then maybe she is right to mention the hospital as an alternative..because if she cant help then i dont have anyone else who is close enough to me to help..and then i would most likely end up in the hospital anyway for trying to kill myself and where would that get me? i want to die and then i dont want to die..i want to go away and just have a break you know..a real break..but just stopping everything for a few days in the hospital may not be the way to get a break..maybe it is the next step..maybe the hospital for a few days would help get me leveled out a bit and more able to deal with the daily stuff of being at home until i moved and everything..right now its easy to take off a week from work..but i dont know how long i would be expected to stay in the hospital if i went that route..i would want to plan it and figure it all out before agreeing to do it..i would need to plan it out or else i wont agree to it..its odd that a part of me really wants to say ok ill go..just screw everything and go to the hospital..the more rational side disagrees and refuses to just stop everything for a stay in the hospital..i dont know what i want to do..i know that i am being more and more unsafe with myself and that its just getting worse..if i told linda the truth and let her know honestly how often i was suicidal i would have been put in the hospital a long time ago..i really want to stay out of the hospital..i will still refuse to go..but its just part of me wonders if maybe it will be better to go and get help in a stable place now..and see what happens over being forced into it because i cant think about anything but killing myself anymore..

i havent figured out anything

there will never be a way to get all of the pain and hurt out..there just arent enough words in the world for that..it takes all of my control not to react.not to just go and hurt myself to feel better, to stop the desire to cry, to block out all the thoughts and hurt from myself..cant get it out of my head.. i just want it to stop

thinking

im about to fall asleep ..but i cant because im babysitting and im supposed to be awake and well awake ..but its almost midnight and ive been up and yeah im starting to just want to complain about why im so tired..

today has been interesting..well t was interesting..we talked about moving and jobs and what i need to do in order to move..and ive decided that if the option came with my sister then i would consider it but waiting till then to make a decision would not be a good idea for me..last minute rushing leads to a break down pretty fast..and it would be best to avoid that..but it was easier than usual today to talk to her..i tried harder..but then the conversation went back to eye contact and it was hard but thankfully we were ending and i couldnt stay lol..but she said we would talk about it more later..and she was telling me you know some of the reasons she thought it was so hard for me..and something about it is bothering..something i am trying so hard to remember and it keeps slipping away from me..something that is so close to being discovered in a way and i cant get ahold of it..i dont know what it is im trying to remember right now..but something is on my mind and maybe once i sleep a bit it will be a little bit clearer..i dont know

hmmm

maybe things will be ok i guess..i dont know..made it through yesterday with no major upsets but then it could still all fall apart really quickly..im hoping its over and done with..im hoping it will be ok..im just hoping that nothing else happens..

have been thinking alot about things ...putting a lot of stuff into perspective in a way i guess..because it really does seem like life and everything involved is just passing me by and im missing it because im so caught up in a million different things..someone asked me the other day ..well mentioned that maybe i was doing to much, trying to do things for everyone else..and i thought about it and really had to wonder why it never really occurred to me before..how could i have missed the most obvious of things you know..i never really think about slowing down.i think about doing more..i need to do more, i need to help everyone..and i do have time alone but even then some times its just spent waiting to be needed by someone..waiting to need to do something else and i dont really always use the time to do things for me..maybe backing off of things a bit is a good idea..but i dont know how because i look at everything i do and its all important..it all seems important i guess...but maybe not being at the beck and call of everyone will be a good thing..getting a job and moving and just worrying about myself and my job..and it does make me feel selfish in a way..but if im completely worn out from helping everyone else then i wouldnt be much help in the end..its all so confusing in some ways...

maybe i will plan a little trip or something at the end of the summer...maybe sooner than that..i cant decide..but i know a trip somewhere would be nice..and im not even sure i want to do anything with anyone else.i just want to get away for a few days..i would have considered going up to see yvonne for her birthday but then the no car thing gets in the way of that and its pretty last minute now..and then if i went up there it would be staying in a hotel again..and thats more money..theres someone i consider a friend who lives in georgia that has asked if we could meet and hang out and im considering it..if i went that direction i could stop and see stephanie cas she is pregnant and i am happy for her..gosh it seems like forever since i lived with her lol..good grief we watched pbs every morning before classes..in college no less barney and reading rainbow and all of those shows..yeah it has been a long time since ive seen her..so i dont kow yet what i want to do..but just thinking..cas i know ill need money to get away for any amount of time...and maybe ill just go back to the outerbanks for a few days..maybe i can drive it without getting lost this time lol..that would be a good thing..but the summer rates are so high for the outerbanks ..essh..everything costs money and thats exactly what i dont have right now..

but i found a job that i want to apply for..a couple hours away from here..going to mail it out today..and then theres one i think ill work on this weekend and see about sending that one it also..

rob is going to cali this weekend..and he will be gone for a month..and then he comes back and it looks like he really will have to go overseas around aug or so..mommy wants nia to move home, and nia is pretty sure she isnt going to do that at all..and i dont blame her..mommy expects her to move home..and i hope nia doesnt cave and come back..it would be good in some ways but not good in a lot of others and the good really dont outweigh the bad..

lots of things just going on...

oh the pdoc i most likely wont be seeing today because its to last minute with them and rescheduling...ive called twice this week to find out what time i was given and they are still working on the schedule and the appointment was supposed to be today..and i cant just leave work at the drop of a hat to go to an appt..therapy is different because i know the time well in advance and i know how to work around when i need to leave..so im guessing it will just have to be rescheduled..no biggie..i will get there eventually..and not spending the 90 bucks to see the doc will be a good thing this week..cant really afford it anyway and so waiting will be fine..

and then im hoping all the car stuff will be taken care of in this upcoming week..i had to rent another car yesterday and it was more expensive..more money gone..another paycheck totally wiped out by getting a rental..and now i really am not keeping up with bills and its frustrating big time.. but im babysitting this weekend at least and im hoping that will take care of some of the money issues for another week at least..i live week to week..not even paycheck to paycheck anymore..it sucks

big big mistake

things are well not all that great...i made a really really bad choice and now i could be in a whole lot of trouble and i dont know how to make it right now .. am sorry it all happened now and it was an accident you know but still i made the choice to lie about what happened instead of telling the truth because i was scared..and now if it comes back to me lying i will be in a lot more trouble..and its all just waiting and seeing what happens right now..eventually im guessing the truth will come out and ill have to live with the consequences ..but still its really hard and feeling miserable big time about it

this morning kinda did not get off to a good start ..i was stupid and forgot to take the bandaids off before going downstairs this morning..she demanded to see, as if i was lying about them being bug bites and proceeded to tell me i needed to stop doing that to myself..and so i just walked away and didnt really say anything..im not dumb enough to actually cut my ankles again..to hot for that because of wearing shorter pants and things..but yeah just went and did something else for a while..until got distracted on something else...

going to be taking the rental back on monday and getting all that taken care of i hope without having to be overdrawn but i think by the end of it i will be and then ill just be using mommys car until thursday when ill have the money to get another rental car and hopefully i wont have to keep it as long...its crazy ive spent over $2000 on the rental ..and then mommy doesnt get it when i say i dont have money... but im trying to be nice and not flip out around her because she is letting me use her car for a few days..and i know ill just have to make sure to help with gas money and thats a little more manageable..

but now im not at home..i came to the kids i babysit house to look after the dog and just hang out for a bit..and will be going home later on..no point in going home to do nothing..i can do nothing here and its a lot quieter..im trying hard not to complain at home because now with the younger brother home, and the older brother in and out a bit more..i keep getting stuck with cleaning up everything upstairs where all r bedrooms are..and its like well if we are all so called adults then there is no reason they cant clean the bathroom..but still it falls on me..to clean everything upstairs..and they get to go and do whatever..but its always like that so makes to sense to expect it to be different now..but still its upsets me a lot and its a waste to even bring it up anymore because then the conversation turns into how selfish i am..and how i dont help out enough..and trying to avoid that :(

hmmm

its friday night..im at home..and suddenly incredibly incredibly bored ..and no money to do anything and dont want to waste the gas and go anywhere until tomorrow..essh

but today has been pretty quiet...just trying not to worry about money because i just cant do anything about that and ill have to deal with an overdrawn acct if it comes to that..tomorrow i get to tackle the massive amounts of laundry i have been putting off and that gets me out of the house for most of the day! that is a good good thing :) ..maybe will go and buy a new book..and i cant believe i just wrote that but we went to the bookstore today and that was a big big biggggggggggggg mistake lol...but i went and worked with the baby today and he was so funny ...the first 15 mins i was there he cried and wanted his grandmother..but then he figured out i was the one with the toys and he came and played with me..and then when it was time to go and i had folded up the mat we use..he goes and takes the mat back down..unfolds it..and sits on it and looks at me :) as if i was supposed to be staying longer and he forgot im assuming that it took forever to get him to sit on the mat in the first place! (its been a couple weeks since ive actually worked with him)..but he is a cute cute kid :) and he did all this and the kid is only 1! and then went and saw my other person and it was ok with her too...got really sad around the time to see t but doing ok with that..wanting to talk to her as always ..but will have to wait until next week..essh..and then i got a message from my friend saying that she was trying to come and visit me for a couple days..sunday and monday and i told her to let me know..it would be awesome if she came

just the usual

I have been thinking a lot about this week and everything that has happened and how today I have felt ok regardless of everything going on. Im trying so hard to let things go, to just believe the people I know and trust and not pay as much attention to what mommy tells me. I have been reading all the messages to some of my posts in other places and it makes me wonder why I want to believe mommy so much and ignore everyone else. That makes no sense to me at all, why disagree with the responses I want to hear and keep and believe. I know it makes it harder because I am at home and it is so much easier to get caught up thinking mommy is right when she isnt. It makes me sad really, all of it but I know or Im trying to know that it I am capable of thinking for myself and that I can think what ever I want, but I just need to get control back from her. T points out that if mommy can make me feel so bad then I am giving her a lot of control over me and I dont like that all. It is so weird I guess thinking that well things can be as simple as just wanting it enough. I wonder if I am making any sense at all right now.

Im tired of all the car stuff, it will be another couple weeks before things are final and well after tomorrow I am not even sure I will be able to work without a car. I told mommy earlier in the week that I couldnt afford the car any more and she gave me the money to keep it for a couple extra days (which makes me feel really guilty). I dont know what I will do about it anymore, but worrying isnt getting me anywhere, and I am guessing mommy will tell me what she has decided since she is going to be the one I borrow the car from for work if it ends up going that way. And that means I have to make sure to keep calm and level headed around her and not freak out. No babysitting really makes things a lot harder money wise, and this is another weekend of no babysitting and im going to be stuck at home, because I need to keep what little money I have for gas and getting to work. Am sad I had to cancel t for tomorrow, but had to and will have to just be ok with it, deal with it somehow. I am worried a little but not horribly since I am feeling ok and I know that I can make it to next tuesday if I have to. but then next week is the pdoc appt also and I would only be seeing t once next week anyway to help with the costs of the pdoc. everything involves money and i dont have any :( ..and to make next week even better, i have to do the driving school thing next week. $200 i dont have that i will have to use to cover the costs of that..so my next paycheck will not be going very far either..

i dont exist

is it possible to disappear? to just not be some place? to be surrounded by people and still not be seen?

the brother, the mom, and i were having dinner today. one of the few times we ever eat together at the table, at the same time. the phone rung and the mom was talking and the person on the phone asked what she was doing. the mom said that she was having dinner with her boy. i was sitting right next to her, i was talking to the brother before she picked up the phone. but at the same time it is as if i am not there, i cant be seen or heard or acknowledged because i am not important or for whatever reason. the brother pointed out that the mom did not mention me on the phone, i told him i didnt exist.

i want to cut..i have my razors on me..left the house with them..came back home and have yet to put them back..i want them and im not sure ill be talked out of it..but im sure linda will try..

because of all the car stuff going on i have to put therapy and the pdooc appointments on hold for a couple weeks..i cant afford the car and am really worried about what im going to do for work when i take back the rental this week..i cant keep the rental later than wed really..i could try for friday but that would leave me with absolutely no money at all and i dont get paid again until the end of next week..and next week i have to do the driving sschool which is a lot of money and cant be avoided at all..im behind again on everything and i did try so hard to make sure i would be able to catch up..but i cant..just cant make any of it work..and im afraid to lose the support of t right now but i dont have a choice..

i want to give up..quit trying to do anything at all..slightly suicidal right now..but i know i have to leave soon so all my thoughts are just centering on how stupid i am..unimportant, invisible, etc etc...pretty bad thoughts all morning..and it doesnt seem to be letting up at all..im tired of this..all of it..tired of things not working out..and i dont want to deal with anything else anymore..if i cant get to work ill lose my job and my job is not one where i can just be dropped off..so it will just be one more thing to add to the list of failures right now..

not important

im just not important enough for mommy to take time off from work to help me with the car stuff
its always been this way and i guess it always will. she will find the time to help anyone else, any of my brothers or sisters, she will leave work early or take time off or go in late to help them with stuff..and then i need her to do something for me or help me with something and everything else just has to come first.theres no time to help me..or she cant take the time off of work to help me..what did i do that was so wrong?

ive changed my mind

cover letters are the bane of my existence

resumes i can handle now..but ive been trying (obviously not very hard lol) to write a cover letter for an application for an hour and a half and im still no closer to getting it done now than i was when i started..its frustrating and being frustrated makes me want to quit trying...but i was doing so good..managed to finish 2 applications yesterday..one was online but did not need a cover letter..and one i have to mail in today..and then i was just looking around and found a couple i wanted to apply for but they are in va..and then this morning i was looking around again and found one in wilmington i would like to apply for but the stupid cover letter has me stuck and i cant send it without one..but i just dont know what to write in one..i dont get them i guess..really do consider them a waste of space but im guessing thats just me...been trying to figure out where i want to work..job type wise..and i know i can go to a department of social services..but i just dont want to..the more i think about it the more positive i am that i stayed out of the child welfare collaborative for a good reason..yes it means that it is harder to get a job within the dss..but its just something i am not ok with doing..it stinks that there are so many job openings for the a/t, foster care positions..and they pay really well of course..but its not for me..so im going in the other direction and looking into residential programs, counseling, case management type stuff..things i know i can handle and deal with and not freak out to badly..and so now i just have to keep an eye out for jobs i like and make sure i apply for them ..

insert a few bad words about cover letters and such..and now back to worrying about what to write

wow..completely and utterly..just wow

today of all random days i did what i have been putting off and afraid of for months..today with no distractions or demands from anyone i managed to finish updating and changing around my resume, i finished two job applications one online, and one to be mailed tomorrow..regardless of the outcome i managed it..i finished it..finished more than i thought i wold actually..and im proud of myself because i know i worked hard on it..and made myself finish it and not get distracted away from it..it took the better part of four hours to get it all finished but now it is..and its a huge weight off my shoulders. really shocked that i managed it. really am

a lot of thinking..choices to be made

i can safely say i will not be awake half the night tonight, im tired, really tired ..but i did wake up with a much clearer head today..looking a bit more forward to the future slightly..realizing that i have a choice in a lot of things and i dont have to do things i dont like or dont want to do..how has it been this long before i even begin to realize that i can say no to something and it is not the end of the world. but its ok..better late than never right.

actually working on a couple of job applications today. things cant change right..if i dont take the steps to make them change...there is a big big worry that well the thoughts will get bad enough staying at home that suicide will just keep looking better and better..so really needing to just do something about that..and if i know already that the job i have now doesnt pay enough to make that change possible then i have to look at other options..as scary as that is..but the worry and stress about money and being at home and two of the biggest issues right now and its just getting worse and the stress keeps my thoughts in a really negative cycle (wow did i actually just write that ) but when i was freaking out about it last week you know i just had to tell myself to stop it and calm down and think for a minute..i tend to ignore logic when im panicking big time..and it was like ok you know this is really easy to fix if you can stay calm and just focus a little bit..and the thoughts were right and made sense you know..obviously the money issue is the easiest thing to fix..and all it means is getting another job..hopefully one close enough to keep the t i have now..but if not then that will have to be dealt with later on..but for now its like ok what do you need to do type thinking..and i let it go all week and just didnt bother or think about it really and then today comes along and its like..ok time to work on those applications..sending them in is a step in the right direction..and if anything comes from it then that will be a good thing..(yes i am incredibly lucid today lol.its been a while )

today

feeling really sad and tired right now..maybe a nap will help but i dont think it will.

made it through the appt today

made it through the appt today. really didnt think i was going to go at all..until i actually made myself get out of the car and go inside and then i knew i would go through with it..talked to the nurse first and then to the other lady that my t had talked to..and i managed to answer all her questions..there were some i didnt want to answer and it took me a little while to get words out..but in the end i managed i think..worked very hard to not drift away..because then i wouldnt have been able to answer so well..didnt look at her or the nurse though :bag was way way to scared to do that and manage to keep talking at the same time..but managed and it didnt kill me although i was pretty positive that it would..and now im so tired..drained really..the stress of keeping myself together and being worried about going to see the lady today..and all the other weekly worries really threw me off this week..i have an appt to see the actual pdoc but its not until the 22nd..so i guess i have time to prepare a bit more..

having major space and no touching issues..and i really think it is because i am wanting a lot a lot and the only way to deal with it is to make sure there is absolutely no touching or anything..again back to the wanting comfort from all the scary thoughts/things this week.. its just really hard having to do all of this alone irl..and so i have all this extra stress and fears and general upset going on and cant say anything at all about it.. it is really tiring and wears on me..a lot

what does it feel like to not be suicidal ?

i realized today that i have no idea what that feels like :( after the lady i was talking to asked me about it..

i dont know what im doing

i will try to write this and stay completely focused.but im not sure ill be able too..

im tired..and it makes me mad that when i say im tired at work with one family, im asked what i have to be tired about..im sorry but for the few hours im with them twice aweek does not show anything at all about my schedule..if i say im tired then im tired..thats it..im not looking for a way to not be tired i was juts stating what i was feeling at the time..but anyway..tomorrow is the intake for the pdoc and im nervous...scared about it..worried really..and im trying to stay calm and not think about it..if i think about it the anxiety will get the best of me and i may not make it to the appt tommorrow without cutting or something..i keep thinking that tomorrow is the day ill be around the pills i took before and i want one..good grief i want one..but i wont take it because i dont know what it will do and i cant fall asleep while im driving or do something else that ends badly..that would be pretty stupid..but really i just want to the numb oblivion..i dont want to think about it at all..i dont want to even realize i have to go..but i know when the time comes i will show up because thats what i do..i would feel more guilty canceling or not showing..i know its something i have to try..and im trying to be ok with that..im feeling craizer than usual today..and i know tomorrow i will just be really off until i get there..the waiting and watching the clock is going to be really hard.. :( i dont know how to make myself feel better at all about going even if i know that it is something that could be a good thing..im afraid i will try to kill myself one of these days and if it can be prevented then that is a good thing..

and well nia is telling me that rob is most likely going to be going overseas and im sorry for her..sad for her ..because without rob she is stuck..and so i can see why she asked if i would consider moving in with her..or moving somewhere with her..but she isnt being as flexible as she could be..i asked her about moving to wilmington instead of wilson and she pretty much said no..and im not sure i want to be that far away from my therapist right now..i really dont..but im trying to stay open minded about it..because moving in with her really is a way out..without spending a lot of money..it would mean changing jobs..starting somewhere new..but not being alone either..but i dont think its fair either that she is so set on where she wants to go and i dont have that same option..im applying for a different job here and if i get it then i guess im not moving with her..but at the same time i told her i would keep my options open and still look for jobs in the area where she wants to go..because there are benefits to being up there and it is a bit cheaper to live of there and i would be closer to ecu again and my teachers there..

with everything that is going on the need to find a better paying job is being more and more of something that has to be done..ive tried so hard to make it work and its just not .. the more i try the more it seems that i come up with more bills..i need more money..its something..its always something else.and without babysitting i wouldnt have made it for as long as i have..and i will miss my ppl i work with..ill miss my job..but i just cant keep it for much longer and expect to keep things going..and so i have to really think about what i want right now..i have to figure out what im trying to do..because now that im adding on psychiatrist services and having to pay for those the lack of insurance is a big freaking neon sign right now..the fact that i have to pay out of pocket means that i cant see the doctor that i want to see..and would prefer to see..and its one of those issues where insurance would have just made it so much easier you know..im sorry but i dont have $200 just laying around waiting to be used for something..and then i have to go to driving school and pay court cost in a couple weeks and thats another chunk of money that i cant really afford to lose but i have no choice..im still stuck paying for the rental and its like thats all im working for right now..is covering the rental and letting all my other bills slip..theres just no way any of it is working right now and it makes me sad..and anxious..and nervous..and im trying..im working..im doing what im supposed to do and its still not enough..and i try you know..because of babysitting i cant take another part time job because babysitting really counts as a part time job and i do make enough so that its worth it..but even that isnt enough some weeks..i live week to week..day to day..wondering what can be put off or not paid for a little bit longer..and insurance and car payments and everything else i have to pay..all of it is weighing on me big time right now..and i dont know how to make any of it better..im tired of trying to really..when i freaked out about it all on monday or tuesday..i had to remind myself that money was probably one of the easiest problems to fix..if i could just focus enough to try to find another job..one with benefits..one that paid a steady salary..cas right this minute my paychecks really are a wait and see type thing..i know my hours..and each week they are different.my paychecks are a surprise each and every time i get paid..and that is probably not a good thing you know..each time its like playing a very careful game of figuring out how to pay bills and stay afloat just a little bit longer..but this is one thing that i can fix..or work on fixing..and it scares me..it really does..but the stress of not knowing and not being able to afford anything is worse..it really is.. :(

another weekend gone

things are hard...very hard right now..and im tired of everyone and just wanting to quit and stop doing anything..the weekend hasnt been to bad though, babysat a bit..hung out with nia and rob..did laundry..messed around with putting music on my ipod..cleaned..yeah that was the extent of my thrilling weekend i know..and tomorrow i really do need to get up and go to work on time..and i have to run a few errands before work..and i hope i stay focused tomorrow morning

.....

i have an intake appt next week to see the psychiatrist..linda called today to help me set it up..and so now at least the intake is set up..and i told her i would show up..but im not sure about the talking at all..but i know meds wont work if i dont tell them whats wrong..but im not sure i can.

im incredibly scared about it...should i freak out now or later? *sigh*

now though i know all of what ive been officially dx'ed with i guess and its weird..it was weird having linda talking about me even though i was sitting right in front of her and had given her permission..it makes me feel crazy to have to see the psychiatrist and the possibility of meds is scary..when i have so much trouble taking pills correctly..and im just worried i guess..scared to go alone..

not really sure lately

empty..i keep trying to figure out something to write, anything at all..and i cant get words for any of my thoughts..im really hoping i will be going to therapy today..and at the same time i dont want to go either..i remind myself that its ok to be in therapy and its ok to need help and its not the end of the world..the fear about it still creeps up on me at times..and then i still want it anyway..my head confuses me ..

trouble connecting to anything right now ..look at all of my stuff and wonder if its mine or why i bought it..i dont like any of it..

going to see nia and rob tonight im told..or i was told last night..mommy mentioned it to me last night to let me know i was going..and i asked her why..i still have no interest in going but it looks like i am..i dont want to go or be social or do anything..i want to stay home

i couldnt throw the razors away..tried..and couldnt get myself to let them go..how completely messed up is that one..

im still upset with my cl that i saw yesterday..it took every ounce of control i had to stop myself from just yelling at her..and im sorry but she just went way to far with her personal hygiene issues and its just gross and nasty now and i told her so..and she is going to get sick if she keeps it up..and shes just not getting it..and im not there to tell her every day to go and shower or change her underwear or any of that stuff..i only get to see her twice..and im sorry but at 22 she should be quite capable of making sure she is being clean when it comes to her period and what not..and she isnt and its just all around frustrating..

and i guess i should start trying to get myself together enough to make it to work..may leave early..i dont know..would think i need to ground myself a bit but i dont know how