today i just wonder why any of it happened at all..

i dont even get why this is bothering me so much right now..or why i hadnt thought of any of it before

struggling today

im not sure why...its such a nice day outside..and im thinking and rethinking about why i never said anything..why i kept my silence and expected things to be better..i guess on some level i just knew that telling would cause more trouble..you know .. i was the one that had to go back home, not whoever i happened to tell..i would have to deal with all that happened not them..how you you want help and at the same time hate it? how does it make sense that help would have just made things worse..it was one of those times when i guess you just kinda know..its better to just stay quiet and hope it gets better...and yet i was still the one who just had to open my big mouth..just for it to be investigated and nothing turns up..the guilt is worse than anything else..knowing it was my fault everything gets messed up and keeps getting messed up..the only better thing now is that there are no more kids at home and so there is nothing that can involve social services anymore..now everyone is old enough to make there own choices..and im the only one in therapy..makes me wonder a lot..younger sister was in and out of the hospital a bit for about a year for suicidal tendencies and what not..but i guess shes better now...and she did therapy for a while but thats stopped too..am i really the only one that just cant deal with it? maybe i was to sensitive? maybe im just looking at it differently and some how seeing it differently? i dont know..:( .its hard..makes me wonder if im crazy or really losing it because its like i need so much to just get through the day and they are all managing some how...maybe it just makes me feel weak in some way..like im not strong enough to last through it..i wasnt strong enough..they all have there lives and i dont seem to be doing anything at all...

im just sorry

i guess its possible to make a list of things im sorry for, well i guess anyone could make a list like that but it would be a waste of time...today im just sorry in general about everything i could possibly be sorry about and then a few things that most likely would make no sense at all..like im sorry im so horrible, im sorry for breathing..although i realized maybe that is why i always have to remind myself to breathe correctly when im really freaking out..i just start holding my breath and thats prolly not a good idea you know...yesterday was a miserable day and the urge to cut was really strong, maybe it was the urge to hurt that i was after and so i ended up wanting to cut..but i didnt..nothing to cut with and my days of breaking apart shaving things are long gone..those never worked as well anyway..but i guess since thats making me think of a lot of different thingsand just making me want it, then the urge to cut is still there and still a bit strong..yesterday i just ended up being really quiet..there was no point in talking or trying or anything really. mommy said what she wanted and made sure i knew that i was completely horrible and lazy i guess..but then as soon as she needed me to do something online for her she had nothing at all to say to me about anything..but once that was done then it was back to what it was before..and it made me upset enough to really wonder why i was staying, why i didnt just take all of my stuff and dusti and just leave..its a stupid stupid idea to stay here, just in general it is..im just setting myself up to fail big time at everything..i want a way out, one that i like and can deal with and i havent found one yet..i could try for grad school next year but i think about that huge span of time between now and then and it makes me nervous..i could find a job, a different one and move somewhere else, i could go to va, i could stop therapy, which is what would happen if i moved..i could do an awful lot of things..and none of them are anything that i really want..and i dont know why..i cant seem to get very far past wanting to just leave..and its not even classified as running away since i have a car and money (sometimes) and can do what i want..and instead im as trapped here as ive ever been and i dont know how to make it better..i currently feel like i have no control over my life at all..but i guess i do..since i can still decide what i do and when and all of that..it just feels like there is no control, no balance, no anything, and all of it is just confusing..i cant deal with my life anymore..maybee i could nevere deal with it and just got really good at ignoring it..maybe thats why i am so intent lately on just playing computer games, because they involve no thought at all, they are repeatative and stop me from thinking about my life..i am in complete control of something thats not real and that is comforting in some way..i dont like or want my life..and i dont know what to do about it..everyone else is happy and having fun and i wonder whats wrong with me? how come i end up choosing to just not really exist .. when i was answering all of those questions in therapy the other day, i really did start to wonder a lot about some of the things i write about..you know maybe its not ok that i can make everything feel like its not there, or dull myself out completely, or shut off what im feeling..i dont know what im doing..maybe its just that because i cant see what i want my life to be like..i can barely see myself making it through the day without doing anything incredibly stupid..doesnt help that i can forget my day just as fast..nothing is interesting anymore, but im just set in some routine that cant be broken..i know what im supposed to do and that is enough to make sure i leave the house during the day..during the week, there is structure of some sort..but then the weekends come and im left to my own devices and im at a loss as to what to do with myself ..most of the time i dont want to do anything at all anyway..most of the time i juts want to stay in bed or stare at the ceiling..sometimes i want to just go out and do something but the motivation to put energy into it is most always lacking..and without yvonne being so close i cant even go and waste time at her place anymore..im slightly worried about being alone for easter weekend..everyone is going out of town and ill be left here..with nothing to do..and i think about that huge span of time and wonder what i could get away with doing and thats not good..everyone picks to go out of town at the same time..no mommy is good, no demands will be nice, almost no expectations..for a few days..but ill be by myself..with nothing to do, and no where to go..and its not like my thoughts have been in the greatest place lately..what i want i cant have..im trying not to even think about what i want because i realized that while writing this that im feeling a bit on edge..im not sleeping good again, i want the pills back, i want my razors back, i just want something to make it all just stop

hmm

messing around with my blog again. i think its pretty :) :) and so very purple lol. my therapist would find it funny !

today is just not a good day at all

" I know how to disappear. I know that i can close my eyes and curl myself up into my mind where its dark and i am alone but not alone. my numbed body could unattach its self from the earth and float away and it wouldn't matter. i can just disconnect myself from my body and my body will disconnect its self from the earth."


from p225 Skin

therapy and figuring things out..sorta

so therapy was today. that's nothing new..this week has been pretty bad with all the confusion i guess in my head.. and we talked about it a bit more in therapy since i had emailed her..and im sure i lost all sense when i did that! good grief..i thought i was going to be sick waiting for therapy today because i was so nervous and just freaking out because i knew that she knew a bit of what was going on..so managed to talk about it some..and still managed to take forever ..but talked..and then she was talking to me about this scale thing for dissociation and asked if i would agree to do it..and i said it would be ok and the questioned just really made me stop and think..it was only 28 questions but i spent so much time thinking about them that it felt like so many more..and some were really hard to have to answer..where as the questions were in a more generalized sense but still i didnt realize how often i do some things..how forgetful i am..or how i dont remember places or people or things ive said or done, or how i can get so caught up in movies or books and just forget about everything else..and not remembering being a kid..and some of the questions made me a bit nervous..and some where just kinda funny..like being asked how often i talk to my self..i do that all the time and ..well i do it all the time when im alone..and i have to stop myself from being so noticeable with it when im like walking to my car or something..but i have entire conversations with myself..all the time..in the car, at home, at work, walking to my car, etc and so on..silly me thought that it wasnt a big deal or anything..and im guessing the connections are just being made now..but the whole seeming normal thing is quickly just kinda dwindling away..but just for as much as i talk to myself..you would think i had tons to say..i do say a lot, i never shut up when im rambling on to myself..but get me in a room with someone, practically anyone and i wont say a word..go figure .. we didnt finish the scale thing today..got it mostly finished but i skipped some and so have to go back and answer those and the last bit and then i guess she will tell me what the verdict is..wonder if ill be just like labeled crazy or un-helpable and then just pushed out the door or something..

movies..triggers..feelings

i do it on purpose sometimes...watch things that i know will upset me..read books that i know make me so antsy i cant sit still..listen to music that depresses me..and i do it because of the reaction..because then i know ill feel something..good/bad/horrible..whatever it may be ill have it and then i wont feel so numbed out..i was well on my way to just nothingness..but if im upset then i have to be aware of why or whats causing it..and so i have to just stay present i guess..but then now all the little annoyances are coming up again..and its a pain..4 times today ive had to really think and pay attention to remember what say it was..more times than i can count ive wondered if im doing what im supposed to be doing, if im working with the right client because im not sure..how upsetting is it that i cant even keep track of my own schedule it seems?! the worrying drives me crazy when i know im right and just cant seem to remember it..cant remember why i know im right and it still just doesnt feel like i am..

last night i watched a movie i really didnt need to watch and it brought up so many questions/thoughts about society and child abuse and how no one 'sees' anything at all until its to late..in the movie i watched last night..the girl died..so many ppl knew though, so many people could have saved her, stopped it, but after she was dead and it all suddenly came out ..everyone wanted to point fingers and blame someone else..no one knew what to do to help her..everyone who was in on it just watched her die and swore they were only doing what they were supposed to do..am i the only one who sees the wrongness in all of that..the wrongness in the entire movie and i watched it and wondered what in the heck people were thinking..why was is ok until something bad happened and someone ended up dead..it makes me disappointed ...it was a true story and that makes it even worse in some way...its not just a story line that was written, it wasnt just someone gets hurt and then they are saved and everything is ok..it was a reminder that not everything has a happy ending..not everyone is saved, or manages to make it until they are old enough to leave..sometimes its the simple questions like wondering how a parent can choose someone else over there kids..bastard out of carolina is a good one if your contemplating that one..but if you can make it through all the abuse that goes on that is..incredibly umm detailed in that movie..i watch all this stuff and it makes me so mad..so angry and upset and just sad..

how is it that in a family as big as mine there was no one to step in and put a stop to anything..no one did anything to help..i cant say i was really very verbal with asking because that would have been wrong..but still no one saw anything..but everyone could tell me i should be happy and grateful...i should be happy to be so lucky..to get to do so many things..but i never wanted all the material stuff..crap i know im incredibly materialistic..i always want something bigger or better, i just always want more..i should be happy with what i have..i wish i could be happier with what i have and im not..i like buying stuff, i like wasting money on stuff i dont need at all just because i want it, just because i happen to see it and as im looking at it and arguing with myself over whether to buy it or not, i know i dont need it or even really want it..but at the same time i just have to have it..i need it to fill so void i guess..some part of me that thinks that the more stuff i have the happier ill be..and yea there is a happiness involved but it is always short lived..i will wake up from the enjoyment eventually and realize i just spent a lot of money that could have gone to something else..thats how mommy works..when all else fails she bribes .. offers something that guilt just has no part in..bribing works so much faster..give me what i want..and im a bit more willing to cave..sometimes i dont want to, sometimes i do..its one of those things that i just know is happening and theres not enough will i guess to refuse..its easier to just accept it whatever it may be and just move on..sometimes i end up feeling guilty for being so easily bribed..as always though theres something missing....i dont know..i talk to mommy on the phone a lot during the day, every day..and for as much emotion and focus that i put into the conversation i could have been talking to anyone..most likely someone i didnt know at all..geez i put more energy and effort into sending a text message..but i talk to mommy and just zone out almost completely..i can make it through an entire conversation and say nothing but yes or no before im hung up on...i am most certain that i didnt want mommys attention, i dont want it now..i talk to her about as much as i can get away with and most of that has to be forced out..because otherwise i would sit in silence and not say a word to her at all..im pretty sure that if she could get away with it she would read my mail..

mommy is mad at me..you know how someone is just pissed off at you and just wont come right out and say it..but she is..and i know this because now nia is asked to look up info for mommys next trip out of town instead of me..if im not being used then i know she is royally mad at me..and i shouldnt care at all..but then once again i get compared..because nia can do it better, because nia does this, this and this and why cant i..and why do i always have to be so mean and whats wrong with me..so no i shouldnt care..but that doesnt make the hurt lessen any at all..there's always someone better..theres always someone i need to strive to be..i dont try hard enough..and it just goes on and on..i try hard to not listen at times but then that just means ive wandered off in my head somewhere and am not really focused on whats going on anymore..

all of it just makes me tired..
im tired of thinking, im tired of my head, im tired of where my thoughts get stuck and seem to play on repeat, im tired of all of it

maybe ...

i need to consider grad school again
a bit more seriously this time

today has been rather dull and boring and i have to admit that its been an ok if not boring day...and wow i think i forgot what i was trying to say.

played sims 2 for most of the day ..watched tv..read..the usual slow day stuff..and now i am really tired.. was up past 2am last night..and tonight time tired big time

whats new

i feel aimless again..slightly lost and just drifting along with nothing holding me..wondering if ill magically find the right decision to make and that everything will be laid out in front of me so perfectly..without effort or thought or anything..its just there waiting for me to find it..and its almost like i keep walking right by it and just cant see it or figure it out and i just keep missing whatever the opportunity may be..i do that with therapy to, stare at the window and just wait for the words that i want to say to magically appear and to make sense and to not feel so out of it..i guess..and i keep waiting and waiting and waiting and you know..you would think i would catch on to the fact that it doesnt work like that at all..it makes me feel hopeless .. all of it..i want it to be better but idont want to deal with bringing anything bad or hurtful up..but pushing it all away just makes me tired now..its like ive given up again..or im getting pretty close to giving up again..and thats not a good place to be..once you run out of the motivation to just keep yourself alive then what is left exactly?

truth vs lies online

how is it possible to watch someone just fall apart all at once and not be able to do anything at all to stop it..i know that meeting people online and forming a relationship is not the same thing as meeting someone you work with and being friends that way..and meeting someone on a board about cutting/drugs/abuse/etc..whatever it may be adds on a completely different complex and makes it that much harder..and i know with online and all of that you kinda have to follow your gut and you know believe what you can..and just leave alone what you cant..but it just makes me question myself at times...i wonder if im that needy..if i have a major crisis every other day and just demand attention or support or something..and i know its pretty tricky to just call someone a liar on a board dealing with abuse but some things just make me tired..i dont like when someone is constantly saying they are leaving or they are going to just go and take pills and dont care and its like why are you doing this on a message board where people live all over the place..and its not like someone is able to stand there behind you and demand you take care of yourself or tells you to stop being so so i dont know..its just not ok ..and for a long as ive been talking to this person its like she has fallen apart pretty fast...gained a lot of issues that werent there before and i know there is truth in it..but somehow its not all truth and that makes me feel bad to just completely doubt someone and there motives..it makes me wonder if i do the same thing..do i demand someone is always there telling me that im ok and that they care and that they will miss me or something..and its just a lot to deal with..when i could just as easily make a choice to just stop associating/talking to them..because now i see their messages and it makes me tired..it makes me wonder why i bother or what they want this time..and that makes me feel horrible and shallow and rude and yea just a lot of stuff..and i dont even know why im worried about it so much

slight slight improvement

finally at home again..its been a long long long day and im just feeling worn out. met with the new cl and her mom today and they are awesomely cool..all the kids are home schooled and so there mom is just so laid back and there dog is a big big biggggggggggggggg fluff ball! his name is coconut and hes white and has oodles of fur and hes raly nice and likes to be petted :) oh and the cl was nice from what i saw of her lol..but they are nice and i told my supervisor i would give it a try. so that was good.

later that day i was told one of my other cls lost hours yet again and so her case will have to be appealed yet again for the 3rd time in less than 6 months .. its so so so frustrating right now with all of that and im now up to 5 cls .. 4 adults and one baby..and so my wed, thursday and friday hours just keep changing ..and im back to working 5 days a week and still hovering on the line between full time and part time

car issues of the day...cant see about getting a car until all insurance stuff is taken care of and that can be a couple weeks...im not sure i can afford to pay for a rental for that long and am freaking out big time about it..but cant do anything about that either..mommy got a letter today about the taxes on my car and im not sure why it went to her but now i have to give her the money to cover that which you know is to be expected but its just coming up at a really really super bad time and thats $200 that im going to be out of for that..but now its just down to a whole bunch of waiting it seems ..and im trying to keep cool and calm..and just take it a day at a time..but it is so hard ..i keep seeing when i ran into the back of the other car..and i dont remember what i was doing that i couldnt stop completely in time..i swear i was paying attention but im not sure..you know i wasnt on the phone, i wasnt messing with the radio..what had my attention so very much before it all happened ..i just wish i could remember the before a bit more clearly..the actual moment i remember very well and driving is still really shaky/nervous a bit.but it was better today..not as paranoid..just realized that i need to drive..i cant work without my car, i cant do anything with out my car..so i cant not drive..i cant be to scared to drive..

pri training was alright tonight..i paired up with someone i knew and that made it easier..we laughed a lot through it..and i always forget that pri for this job isnt the same as with the other job i had..where as with this current one we are not allowed to do a full physical restraint..no putting anyone on the ground..so it was more of just blocking and biting and hair pulling and simple restraints..my other job you were put into a full restraint..from standing to on the ground..and that i could never deal with well..and its slightly funny cas the lady doing it was talking about you know not to do it if you were hurting and stuff and i was like well i was in an accident like 2 days ago..and she pretty much told me i didnt have to do the physical part..and i told her i was ok and would let her know if i started to hurt to much..and it was only a couple times that i had to stop and move back a bit because of hurting a bit..but i also think doing it and using a bit of muscle i guess worked out some of the soreness in my chest..im not hurting as much right this minute..actually feeling pretty ok right this minute..dont know what changed it..

went and saw race to witch mountain with my cl today and it was a pretty ok outing. wasnt feeling great while i was with her and had a huge headache during the movie..most likely made worse by not eating until today..and popcorn at a movie just isnt food..so felt pretty crummy but still went and showed up and did what i had to do i guess..her mom just didnt get it at all and i guess she just comes across as being really rather selfish about the whole thing..and i dont know how to describe it at all

wish i was sleeping better..but maybe tonight it will be ok...i cant sleep on my back and have to sleep on my side or stomach or else i just keep getting up and moving..and with being so sore in the chest area i havent been able to really get comfortable at all...but hopefully the soreness will be gone for good in a couple more days

guess thats been my day

dont feel good today at all

tolerance for leaving the house, and being around anyone is at an all time low right now

how..

how am i not supposed to freak out ..my car is gone..it cant be fixed :'( ive only had it for like 8 months!! and today im told theres to much damage..and fixing it would be more money than the car is worth..and if it was fixed it would take up to 3 weeks and i cant afford to rent a car for that long..so now its all messed up and its my fault and i dont even want to call mommy and tell her that my car is gone..and i dont have to worry about a deductable now because i have to get a different car and i dont want another one i want that one

.........

didnt sleep to well cas it hurt..where i got hit with the airbag on my chest..finally just gave up trying ..hand doesnt hurt as much today but still a pain to try and use it to d o anything..really would just like to stay in bed today actually i want to stay in bed for the rest of the week..nervous about everything..dont want to deal with work at all..but i have to do the training this this evening because i cant miss that at all and i need to call my job and let them no im dont really have a car right now..got a rental but i have to pay for it because it wasnt covered in my insurance..but renting the car took a huge amount of what money i did have..feeling very sad,very stupid ..never did manage to cry yesterday and i guess thats why the scary feelings are sticking around so very much..mommy keeps telling me how lucky i was..how i got off really easy because the cop didnt give me a ticket..he only gave me a citation ..im not feeling very lucky at all right now

was in a car accident

fighting tears big time right now..head hurts a lot .. got hit with the air bag..with mommy though since she had to come and get me and so no crying at all right now..my car got towed and well yea that would be why im with mommy right now, head is really spacey so sorry if im repeating myself .. first thing mommy told me was that she she told me that i drove to close to other cars and went to fast..the cop said i was doing about 30 when i hit the other car..which is what i had guessed i was doing when i had to write the statement thing..and no one was hurt in the other car either..and im tired..and sore and not wanting to be around mommy at all ..just want to go home ..very not ok

sick day

took a day off from work..just couldnt deal with it and did wake up not feeling good. didnt last but i figure better safe than sorry lol..and its easy to make up the missed hours later in the week...but managed to get some random things done..went to the store..got a huge gash on my ankle from shaving..and it was a complete accident..and it was one of those i knew it was happening as it happened..and i dont know how it ended up going that deep but it took a long while to get the bleeding to stop..and i can look at it and deal with it in a really detached sort of way..i wasnt glad i got the cut..little disappointed i still cant manage to shave without giving myself a million nicks but this one was pretty bad and of course this is the one time i had no bandaids at all to use..should put some medicine on it though..

have been thinking a lot about therapy and all of that and i cant really say ive come up with any answers or how to make it better..but i will try and try and keep trying i guess until i figure it out..makes it seem like it will take forever that way..but i dont know anything else and linda doesnt either..and that makes me scared and not wanting to go back but its not like not talking has made things super easy or better..and i do know that its up to me now and im just lost with what to do about it..

messed around with my layout here but i dont think ill keep it..

i dont know

i dont want to babysit today..im tired..disappointed..depressed..i always hate saying that im depressed but thats what it is i guess..i just want to get stuck in something else..a book, a movie, a game something..anything that will get my head away from where its at now..

therapy was well therapy and we talked about how easy it was on tuesday because of what we were talking about...and how today it wasnt easy anymore..and i was back to having no idea about what i wanted to say..back to losing my train of thought almost constantly because i was scared and cant focus when im scared..and then im just i dont know..i dont know how many more ways i can be told that im safe there and that its ok to talk to her and to just talk in general..i know this..i really really do..and i just cant seem to convince myself of that..ive done everything but talk to her..and good grief she has read my entire journal and still i dont talk to her..i think about it all the time and every time i manage to convince myself that its ok ..i just end up changing my mind again..and i dont get it at all.because theres something that just keeps getting in the way and i dont know what it is ..because its more than just being afraid..i stopped being afraid a few months ago..and the fear is there but its just different..and i dont know how to describe it at all

feeling wanted

last night i told dee and everyone that i was planning on moving to richmond..and the response was that they told me they wanted me to stay, that i would be back, that i couldnt leave..etc..and i realized that that was the response i wanted from mommy..short of her begging me to stay..i just wanted to feel like she at least noticed that i was going to be leaving and make just a something out of it...instead it was as if my news was about as important as the weather and no one paid it much mind..and it just kinda didnt matter at all..maybe she even expects that ill be changing my mind again..or that i wont go through with it ..i dont know..but i just wanted to be acknowledged a bit..and i wasnt not with mommy..but then i tell dee and riley and harris about you would think that 5 hours away was the end of the world to them...and riley was so excited and relieved when i told him that it would most likely be a couple months before i moved anywhere since i needed to find a job..and its funny because that is the reaction i was expecting from them..they made me feel wanted and needed ...but from mommy i dont really know what i was expecting but what i got was a big big let down..and i didnt even realize it until last night because linda asked what response i was looking for from mommy and i didnt know..she asked if i had wanted her to make a big deal and i said no at the time but now i know i wanted some sort of reaction..maybe her asking me to stay or think about it a bit more or something..and instead i was just once again passed over and other stuff was more important and in a huge roundabout way its just completely upsetting ..and disappointing..

but all that aside its been a few ok days..minus tuesday morning..but other than that ive been ok..a lot calmer..slightly more focused but not really doing anything either towards finding another job..but i feel better lol..so im just trying to take it for what its worth and just going day to day and being ok with whatever it is im doing or not doing currently.

it never goes away..completely

with the conversation i had this morning with mommy my confidence has taken a blow..because according to her i have one foot in deaths door obviously for being overweight and no one will hire me because of it..yea..great conversation this morning ..but she has my best interest at heart..and i know if she had the chance she would just go back to telling me what i can and cant have and that will just lead back to all the major issues with eating and purging and all of that..worked really hard to stop the purging..and obviously provoking the thoughts again is not a good thing..her 'helping' stopped being in my best interest years ago.. because food, eating and the like has always been an all or nothing type thing..random healthy episodes mixed in with a lot of unhealthy stuff..good grief i know every freaking diet there is..have done it all and it always stops after a while..starting thinking again about purging this morning and so i know the thoughts are becoming slightly obsessive but also had to think and remember that me purging does nothing to get back at mommy at all..since i know that is what is causing the thoughts to get out of control..

it says a lot about the relationship to know that she has to corner me to tell me what she feels the need to tell me

just another lovely day in my head

it all starts again

all day ive felt the need to write and im just not really sure what i want to say..im tired and cranky because its been so hot today..and i think ive been sick the past few days but its nothing complete..its like waking in the morning and feeling bad but as the day goes on it just kinda goes away if im not thinking about..and then at night or when things are quiet not feeling good comes back..and i start and stop meds pretty quickly and am forever forgetting to take them and so its hard to figure out whats wrong.

i guess i dont know..i guess im just kinda starting to doubt the thoughts from the weekend..wondering if im doing the right thing, if now is the right time to be looking for a job and moving..about how ill never know if i dont do it..worrying about having to say goodbye to all the people i work with now once i move..and just all the stuff is pressing on me and i get stuck still wondering what im going to do..oh i just dont know..mommy mentioned yesterday that i dont know what i want and i completely agree with that..i really dont know what i want to do..i have absolutely no idea..but well maybe that will change..maybe it will be all just one big mistake..one thing that i shouldnt do..or maybe it will be the greatest thing ever..because its more depressing knowing that i can go and have it all not work out and then know that ill still be able to come back home
reoccurring thought though has been that well its been over 2 months now without cutting..closer to 6 or so i think with only one set back..but i keep forgetting to add the time before Christmas and it makes it all seem rather minimal..but its a big deal.it is and i know it is but acknowledging it is just so hard..so scary..i should feel proud or happy or something and it is nice not having to worry about new scars and cleaning cuts and all of that ..but at the same time its like saying goodbye to a really old friend and feeling just out of sorts without it...keep trying to fill the hole thats left and nothing fits into it..theres nothing that makes it all better and that makes me sad i think..i just want it to be all better ..make everything nice and happy and ok and it doesnt work like that at all..and its hard i guess..

and its sunday

well today is the day i go home..and im just wondering about it..i still have a detached feeling about going home. im wondering about how long i can drag out going home. i want to stay here but that will take some time..since i think ive decided im going to try moving here..because i think about it today and it doesnt feel me with fear..its one of those decisions that i freaked out about because i wanted it and didnt want to admit it..and im still a little worried about admitting it .. but being here and hanging out you know around richmond a bit and just seeing that its not a horrible horrible place that i had worked it up to be made me wonder if i would be ok here..i wonder how ill manage ..what ill do..i dont want to be miserable for the rest of my life..well for now id like to not be so suicidal..that would work ..and i figured out that its been a little over two months since i cut..after xmas..but if i count all my time..its been about 5 months with one moment of giving in..but its just different i think knowing that im not thinking about cutting the same way anymore..or any of it really except well all the suicidal stuff..but im guessing it will go away too..with time...and i think that..well im hoping that by the time i find another job and a place to live that ill be ok with leaving my therapist..

yep..it does count..all of it

being away gives me the time to see what life could be like..how every day does not have to be a battle to just get through it all..it doesnt have to be all about just trying to escape away from my thoughts..because even being away from home doesnt stop the sadness but its just more bearable today..but now im stuck thinking about tomorrow and that it will all be over..it will all be back to normal..and it makes it harder to enjoy the time away...because it sucks being able to know how good or okay things can be and then to just turn around and it all goes away..and im back to being not ok and its just not fair and makes me upset..because today has been really good..not counting the spurts of sad feelings..but it has been ok you know..and it just makes me feel i dont know sad or something to know that tomorrow i have to go home..that tomorrow i go back to my life and i dont want to..i want to stay here and i cant stay here either

im feeling very very confused right now. i was talking about moving last night with yvonne and asked if she would live with me again if i moved here..and she said yes..like not even thinking about it she said yes..but later on she asked if i was serious about it and i told her that i was thinking about moving but i didnt know where i wanted to go..and she told me that she thought i would would do better moving farther away from mommy and i know that i do but i guess it was juts a surprise that she agreed so readily to living with me again or all the stuff she told me about thinking it would be better for me to be farther away from mommy..it only takes about 5 hours to get to richmond and thats where i would have to move if i wanted to live with yvonne again..but i guess it just kinda threw me because i asked and wasnt sure of the answer and im not disappointed at all with what she told me..but now im just wondering even more about what i want to do..wondering if i would really consider moving up here..becasue i could just as easily get an apartment alone and just be in the area or in va in general..and maybe not richmond specifically..but we are going there today for a little bit and ill see what i think about it..because i dont know..i was so dead set against living in a big city and to me richmond is a big city and it just puts me on edge..but theres a college there and so maybe its not as bad as im thinking it is..and its not like ive ever even been to richmond! so i have no idea what im basing my judgements on at all. maybe its just that i know i grew up in the city and then moved to the middle of no where and i wonder about my ability to just be in the city because of crowds and worrying about getting lost and all of that..and im sure new york is so not the same as richmond and its no where near what wilmington is like or rocky point ..but its just different and maybe thats all i dont like about it .. well change just isnt big on my list right now..and then comes the task of stopping therapy..which is its own set of problems ..starting over..with all of it..still wonder if i moved and stopped therapy would i even go back again..heck would i even be able to go back because im learning that money wise im getting a heck of a good deal with my current therapist and im paying out of pocket because i had forgotten how expensive therapy can be since im not having to pay full price for a session..im not sure at all that i would like billing therapy through insurance because then they would have to be told some of what is wrong or what we talk about and i dont like that at all..but thinking about it now im not sure how well i would do moving to a place where i didnt know anyone at all..i know when i lived in sc that i didnt do anything at all to make friends and yeah my social skills and talking are way not good..and i get scared to easily to even begin to do anything of the sort..but i already know yvonne and im meeting her bf today..my only other real choice would be indiana and thats really far away from mommy..but again still it would be a completely new place..new surroundings..being on my own..and im just doubting my ability to make it i guess..once i move id rather not come back you know..not sure id be able to deal with coming back

thinking

im still thinking..about everything and im thinking that everything is becoming some sort of an excuse..i want to move, i know that more than anything and that hasnt changed for the past year and a half..but instead im letting myself stay here..im letting myself settle and that worries me. a lot actually. all of those negative thoughts gets mixed into not wanting to upset some sort of balance that is going on..but its not really a good balance at all..i think of what i want and its all sketchy once again..im so peaceful right this minute..im calmer..my head isnt driving me to anything and i guess im more aware of what is going on around me..and its because im not at home..its because once im not at home im this completely capable person..im enough..and being scared of something doesnt get in the way..because once im alone then the thoughts of just wanting to hide and be quiet are stronger..but somehow i manage to make myself get out a little..i can do small things by myself..like going and getting breakfast although i was freaking out and nervous about it..and i was nervous because it was something i had to do by myself..and i almost managed to talk myself out of it be cause i get nervous and paranoid at times..but its not like anyone here knows me..its not like ill see any of these people ever again and so it shouldnt matter...but it does and i know its because mommy has gotten me so accustomed to being picked apart about everything..and it just makes me nervous and i get scared to be around someone i dont know..and so i dont know..but even with all of that im perfectly find being on my own..capable of taking care of myself..and i want to keep saying im not ready for another job..i can say im comfortable in my job with the people i work with..i can say that im going to miss riley and harris so so much..but if i dont like going home..or if im always thinking of ways to die then whats it worth to stay .. its not worth it to stay is it ? its not ok to let someone just walk all over me or guilt me into doing stuff i dont want to do. its not a good way to live..it makes me not want to live..and thats not good

where i would like to be

no idea where i took this picture at..but its nice :) and rather peaceful to look at

trip

finally its the day to leave..i need to get away, just a small break, give myself some time to think and be alone partially..and just chill out..4 days of absolute freedom..better enjoy it while i can because im sure it wont happen again until summer get here.

Americas next top model makes my life better

so much for doing anything

she goes out of her way to just make me miserable..she does it on purpose..she does it to be mean and make me upset for no good reason..i hate her :'( no i will never ever ever forget that i dont want to be here. i wont i wont i wont ..shes being extra mean tonight because im going out of town tomorrow..because i wont be here for a few days so i guess she has to just be as mean as possible until im gone..all night its been one thing after another..yes i know i have to clean up..god ive been told 10 times today alone that i need to clean..god i just want to pick up and leave and so everything i was thinking of this morning doesnt make sense anymore because i want to leave right now and not wait and i cant leave right now and its all just stupid..try to stay calm but feeling very very angry..wishing i was anywhere else right now..i wish it was tomorrow so i can just leave

soooo getting away

well its finally all said and done well kinda since im leaving tomorrow whether anyone has anything to say about it or not..ill be gone..and i really think im more excited about my random day at the beach than anything else. and im even more of a dork for thinking that this is the first trip in forever that ive been on alone..doesnt count that im going to visit someone..but just ingeneral you know ill have to get myself there, ill have to check in to the hotels and keep myself busy..without having someone else there to tell me what i should or shouldnt do..its so odd .. realizing that im seriously lacking in the social area..i wonder what ive done with my life..ok wel ilook back and cant remember my life..thats fun

but on to another topic..i was thinking about the pictures i took to therapy with me..and i look at them and there is no connection at all to the pictures of when i was younger. i look at them and what to know what was going on and what i was doing before, after, during, but i look at the pictures and there is nothing..no reaction, no happiness, no sadness, no anything, its just a picture thats all..but i look at pictures where i can remember and there is always a reaction..a good one if its a picture i allowed to be taken! but i know what happened, i can look at the picture and smile or talk about what happened..but thats only with older pictures..like the last couple years pictures..anything before that and its like theres no connection at all

jobs

i was thinking today about all the job stuff again and realized that i dont really think im ready for another job right now..and thats why trying to do anything to get another job just stressed me out and i ended up not doing anything .. i worried about everything but it never included actually getting a job..and today i guess i figured out what was underneath it all, driving all the worries ... and now i know..i wont let myself do anything to get another job because right now i just know im not ready for it..but i wonder if thats setting me up to be stuck forever..or ill forget that i need to move..but i dont think ill forget that either .. but i dont know..

stupid stuff

something has to change. something always has to change. i dont like that i cant even deal with being at home anymore..this was a weekend that left me wondering why i even bother in the first place..i know that i need to leave, that regardless of what everyone says or wants me to do i need to leave.but i just get caught up in everything else..and listen to what everyone wants me to do and wonder how i could leave..i tend to forget the their life will go on if im here or not..there will always be someone else to step in and fill my spot and everything will go on...its not as if the world will stop if i say i wont do something..and in trying to keep everyone else happy i just kinda keep forgetting that there are things i want to..that would probably explain why im always forgetting what it is i want..one moment to the next and i cant remember what it is i want to do..thoughts about moving and staying come and go pretty consistently ..and i always want it and then i dont anymore..and then i start to wonder how long it will take for me to try to kill myself because once i start thinking about it then its hard to stop it again ..and its always there anyway..just depends on how hard im thinking about it..reoccurring thought that never really goes away..and its pretty depressing to think that i cant even trust myself to go to work and not take pills..ok not steal pills because that makes me feel guilty..have to keep telling myself that it is stealing and its bad and ill be in a heck of a lot of trouble for doing it..all of it is frustrating..because im going out of town for the weekend and wondering seriously if ill even come back..always hard coming back...leaving and coming back is never a good thing..

i will die here wont i? i dont know i guess thats a pretty random question to be asking and even more random to expect someone to answer it for me.

just more of the same

feeling rather sad today. i dont know why though..maybe its just to many late nights and then not being able to sleep later than 7 because i keep getting up at 7. and im tired and not feeling good atall.

ended up babysitting yesterday .. i hadnt planned on going over there but then i got a message saying that he needed me cas he needed a friend and so i went and hung out with him..and we went to lunch and to a movie..and then i just hung out at there house for the night after i wasnt babysitting anymore..we watched madagascar 2..it was pretty funny.. i think mommy was pretty mad at me for staying over there..but what am i going to do at home thats so thrilling ? all i do here is stay on the computer in my room anyway..but it was just one of those conversations where she didnt really say what she wanted to but i know she was mad..also frustrates me a lot dealing with money with her..why does she insist on asking how much i get paid if it has nothing to do with her? what is so very important that she has to know?

its not fair and then like yesterday when the kids i babysits mom asked me about my job and how it was going and then mentions that maybe i should just keep that job and keep babysitting and i cant argue with that because with babysitting i make all my spending money and stuff..and it keeps me going..but then just the huge desire not to be here is still there and im back to not knowing what to do..i cant stick to one idea at all..and it is really frustrating and disheartening .. part wants to stay. part wants to go. part wants to die ok ignore that part