disappointed

i dont think well i dont really know what im thinking today, just really disappointed with everything right now. i cant believe i just completely flaked on finishing paperwork, what in the world was i thinking because it took forever to start turning it in on time again..good grief and now its like ill be right back to where i was again a few months ago when i just completely didnt care and stopped turning any of it in..but i cant just wake up on morning and decide that i dont want to care anymore. it cant work like that because that will just get me in a whole lot of trouble since when i stop caring i kinda just dont really pay attention to anything and i do stuff but its like im just not into it completely..i dont know feeling weird today and just not happy with things..funny cas i was thinking this morning that im not suicidal at all you know and now its like well im not but im back to feeling sad..and given enough time the sadness with grow into something else..im starting to feel incredibly closed in again..maybe its trapped but i dont know what exactly has me trapped currently..everything is depressing lately and i need to stop watching the news at work because it is just horrible..someone is always dying or some kid is on trial for murder..and on and on and on..you would think they would something happier to put on the news or something..im tired and really cold right now..i think incredibly is my newest favorite word..or maybe its going to be irrevocably since twilight is coming out in a matter of weeks and i can quit asking henry to find me a bootleg copy of it. cant even put a finger on why i like the movie so much but anyhoo it comes out soon and then i can watch it as many times as i want to.

have been thinking a lot about everything i guess lately..i dont know ..i think about stuff for a while and then its gone before i really figure any of it out..makes life entertaining and so frustrating ..because im sure it was important since i was rambling on about it to myself but if i try to stop it and write it down then i forget what i was thinking about..im sure most of what i have been thinking about is all the stuff from therapy..which is a pretty broad subject to just sit and think about..but it does take a lot of time..and you know im doing a pretty good job distracting myself from something but i dont know what it is. maybe i really dont know how to say anything about stuff at home, maybe ive spent way to much time trying to work it all out and make it all better that actually having to talk about it and really pay attention to it makes me not want to do it..currently all of it is just being fed into a funnel type thing..ha makes me think of a tornado ..but its just moving to fast and its all smashed together and its just really hard to pull anything out and talk about it ..i can watch it all move, gosh ive been watching it all in various states for so long, ive never had to figure out how to stop it..and now i have to stop it and im not even sure thats possible..

nope still cant get any thing out

just ugh

and have calmed down since the wake up issues this morning..sent linda the most evasive email possible .. seriously not sure the two sentences i wrote will make sense at all! but its sent now .. and so now im going to work on getting errands done, and going home and working on paperwork until i have to see my afternoon person..ill have to leave a little early from him but that will be ok..can make that time up easy..have to work friday now to make up missing my morning person today..but i got the kids off to school on time and there house is cleaned up and so im done until tonight when i have to come back..
its on monday..not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing

frustrated with the ipod

my ipod is still nice and great and completely the coolest thing ive ever had but it is just frustrating getting it hooked up to the computer. it worked yesterday on dees laptop but it does not install on mmy computer and it sucks ..i mean i could use dees computer but its just not the same..i want it on my computer and its not working and it was frustrating last night and still is this morning

pretty cool :)

i have a purple ipod :)

it was my nice thing for well i dont know why but i wanted one and could afford it after paying all my bills for the month! and its really nice ! and im excited

now i remember what i was going to write about .

my cl is getting some of her hours back! i wont have to take another cl to make up the lost time..but it will be like april before my paychecks are back to normal..the way the pay is done is so confusing because its a month behind..so in march im getting paid for febs hours and so on..which is mice in some ways but oh so confusing if i dont keep track of it..but they are also working to get this specific cl into a group home which makes me sad but she could so use it..it would get her around ppl her age..and the structure would be nice but then i wont work with her anymore and would have to get another cl if she did get placed..but for now im not goin to worry to much..and ill wait and see how it goes..maybe if i have to stop working with her ill just elect to really get another job ..since i keep not looking like i should..but then i freak out about non work stuff and wonder how ill manage a red job..blah..i dont know. but yea that was semi good news yesterday.

once again im the last one to know what my schedule will be :( hate that.. but everyone is going out of town and im suddenly in charge of everything else..so im babysitting tonight and tomorrow and spending the night..and then on monday i have to be there super early to get them up and ready for school and spend the night then too and take them to school on tuesday..and in all of this is my usual work schedule that im not changing because its not fair..and i guess i shouldnt complain since it means more extra money..and its nice to be able to catch up with bills..but its just everyone assumes i will do it..and i want to just say no and go and do something else but thats not the way things go.. and just all the little stuff like not being home and having to slightly pack and get stuff to go over there and i could be there longer than planned and dusti will have to have plenty of food and everything and getting work stuff cas that has to be finished ahead of time..and errands all over town that i need to run today..and yea schedule just got a lot fuller! was annoyed earlier about my brother and mommy completely telling me i needed to do his fin aid stuff for him..i had already told my brother i wasnt going to do it.but mommy tells me today that its due today and so i have to do it and i have to get it in..it took about 30 mins to find everything and get the info entered and i just wonder why no one else can do it? how is it that im the only one thats good enough to fill out the info..and its not even mine?! but mommy did thank me for doing it..got no response from me on it but whatever

im worried

i guess im ok

i keep trying to write and my mind keeps wandering on to other stuff and i dont want to write what im thinking about anyway. im ok just sad, tired, just lost i guess..i saw linda yesterday and it feels like it was forever ago.it feels like waiting another day and a few hours will be overwhelming.and idont want to do it. how can going two times a week not be enough to keep me ok? and now ive been given permission to call inbetween sessions just to touch base before things get really bad and im worried ill just call and call and call because i wont know what else to do..and i dont want to be a bother..but i know until friday i will refuse to call her..just because im still not sure how i feel about it ..not really..i know it will be helpful but knowing it and putting the knowledge to good use are not the same thing..i dont like it because it is like admitting that something is wrong..and i stop myself because i get scared..i dont like needing help.. i refuse to lose control..and at the same time im about half way between giving up control and maybe thats the part of it that im just not liking. i dont want to be needy person but someone pointed out to me last night while chatting that im not getting validation/support/caring from anyone else..and until she said it i hadnt figured that out i guess..but i want it so so much and i know that linda can only give so much..and i dont know what to do about it..yes i need her and want her to help and im awfully glad she can keep track of what the boundaries are because i cant..i dont know whats ok and whats not ok..i know the basics..i learned all that in school..i know what is acceptable and what isnt but at the same time i dont want to know it because it makes things difficult..obviously i cant go home with linda and i want to ..i want hugs from her but i cant ask for them.. i dont know how to ask for what i need because it makes me embarrassed to need something like that..i get hugs and stuff from riley and harris and the kids i work with and am around but its not the same..and with everyone else im still really stuck in dont touch me mode..and im not even sure i can let down my guard enough to accept a hug from her..its all confusing..

all gone

no more pills. it took me almost 3 hours to get rid of them but i did and i dont like it at all :(

...

i really wish i had good or nice or even helpful to say.

ive been looking at this and trying to figure out what to say and cant come up with anything at all. today hasnt been good. the pills i have been keeping were to much of a temptation today. managed to go to work but really didnt care about that today, did not want to be at work at all. but it was safer being at work that being at home. called linda because i was worried. really worried that i would do something not good without the intent to die. talked to her and the options were getting rid of the pills or hospital stuff. and i still refuse the hospital, its just not a possibility. but didnt want to get rid of the pills either and she asked me to call her back when i got off of work and was at home again. she called me before i talked myself into calling her back..but i talked to her a bit and agreed to get rid of the pills and then i see her tomorrow anyway..not sure how i feel about any of it and its so confusing because i was ok all weekend, had a decent weekend and this morning things were just not ok anymore..and i wanted the pills but its like what i was thinking wasnt mine at all..just thoughts that were in my head and that i wanted to act on because they were so convincing..

im still waiting to get rid of the pills
i dont want to die but i want the pills
but ive promised to get rid of them and i will
just still working up to it i guess

today is better. linda did help..and it was helpful telling her about the pills and the not plan thats not really happening and so on..talked some about tuesday to and how hard it was..and left her feeling better..also promised to not take the pills i had and to not go and take anymore from where i am currently getting them from..and she added in that i was not to go and get them from anywhere else either..and its pretty funny because as i was promising all this stuff i was still trying to figure out how to get around all of it..and then she went and changed it and i had to stop trying .and its pretty interesting because she asked what i wanted to do about it when i refused to agree to get rid of them..and its like i dont know but i told her not to worry..and she said she trusted me enough to know that i would stick to what we had agreed too..and i really do want her to trust me..wondered how i had earned that trust but anyway it was ok today..

i really am feeling better, but i know that it will most likely be important to kinda stay busy this weekend. not get stuck with to much free time when im not doing anything because im sure the okness may be shortlived and i dont want to help it along any. but home today since i dont have to work and i think ill just take it easy, get caught up on mail and stuff, have to clean up and whatnot as i was reminded of at 6 this morning but not going to complain about that because its not all that important..mommy can do her thing and i will do mine..maybe i will actually make it to the movies this weekend. really want to see a whole bunch of movies lol..but i will figure out something small to do each day just to get out of the house. specially now since the urge to not do anything is pretty strong.

things really are not ok

realized today that ive been collecting pills..to do what with i dont know but i have them all the same..

more hopeful collages

click to make them bigger!

collages - the not really hopeful ones

stupid

just feeling upset. feelings are hurt. alot well feel hurt anyway but then maybe im not
should have figured sooner or later mommy would let me know what i had been doing that bothered her for the week. most of it centered around my driving and speeding and having a car crash ..well the possibility of a car crash from my driving and that my car would end up in a ditch somewhere and its prolly not good that my response to it was well ok im sure you wouldnt care anyway ..but then the conversation moved on to what i had picked to wear today and why i needed to go and change because it didnt cover the scars on my chest completely..and she didnt want anyone asking questions..because she was so concerned and so worried..you know im sorry ive just managed to ruin her life so much.. how is it not important what i feel about the whole thing? the scars are on my body not hers..im the one that gets to deal with the questions not her..but its her problem..its her concern..its all about her, it always is and then what i think or want or feel just dont matter at all..because the question should have been how come you picked to wear that shirt today..or are you comfortable in the shirt..not go and change..shes concerned all right..shes concerned about if ill be seen as crazy or she will be called a bad parent or something..could care less about what i felt about any of it..because to her i stop a long time ago and it was just because of stress in school and everything and thats it..would hate to pop her bubble not that she would listen to me anyway..

anger makes the feelings of wanting to cut much stronger
sadness makes the feelings of wanting to die much stronger
being unable to decide just makes it worse all around

something ive never done

i started thinking today about how much i wanted to go camping and how much ive just been wanting to get away for a bit..just in general and wondering what i could do or where i could go..and i finally started thinking about taking a trip back to cumberland island..in georgia..a 7 hour drive from where i live and the fees and everything to go camping would be under $50 at the most...and so all i would need to do was worry about gas money and all the stuff i needed to take with me..and go from there..and its still just all in the planning stages but i think i really want to do it..i miss camping and cumberland was the most peaceful place ive ever been..i dont know yet if im going alone but i think it would be ok to go alone..not like many ppl can just take off for a week like i can cas my job is incredibly flexible..and if i want to go somewhere i can..but that would mean missing a week of work again! because i want to camp during the week when theres a lesser chance of being around a whole lot of ppl..but then i have to figure out everything i would possibly need to camp for a week..and then how much for gas and maybe a hotel for a night cas cold showers are ok for a few days but then its a pain lol..but ive never taken a trip completely alone..to spend time alone..its different..but i really do want to do it..

its fun because its the last thing anyone would ever expect me to do..just get tired of being told what i should and shouldnt do..if im an adult then i can do whatever i want too..and i guess its about time i started doing stuff i like to do..

today kinda sucked

ust very very very upset right now..having a hard time today with anger in general..so hard to control the feelings .. its just been one thing after another and if waking up at 3:30 to take mommy to work wasnt enough she volunteers me to stay the night tonight and now everyone is all worried that i wont have the kids ready for school tomorrow and that is just stupid..and work was a hassle and the girl was just having a day with things..and it was frustrating and then her mom is making plans for stuff for us to do which just means ill be running her errands with her my cl just gets to go along for the ride and i hate that..but ok..and then mommy calls me in the middle of work to let me know that i need to come and get her and no matter how many times i say i will be done with work at 3 no its not good enough and she just keep telling me i need to come and get her and she can run errands with us but i dont want that either and it was all stupid so what do i do??? go against everything i wanted to do and what made sense to do and go and pick up mommy in the middle of my job and take her around with my cl and her mom which could in a sense get me fired because im not supposed to do that but it doesnt matter at all because as long as mommy has her way then things are just peachy and what i have to say just isnt important at all and all the running around ive been doing to accommodate everyone just isnt enough and im sick of driving and taking ppl places and i hate having to plan around what mommys schedule is because this is the second time she has demanded that i come and get in the middle of me work day like i can just drop everything to come and get her..its not my fault her car isnt working and its not my job to make sure she can go places..because she wants to do everything for everyone and then complain about not having mommy and then starts wanting to know where my money is going and im not telling her and that just makes her even more mad and i dont care..and its all pointless..she tells me to do something and then goes and does it anyway..then tells me not to be mad..how stupid does she assume i am that i cant even use a vaccumm correctly and that i need to be checked behind on it..how many ways can you say you dont trust me when you go behind me and check what i said about something ..yea that makes me feel just freakin great

hmmm

im tired tonight but thats ok. have to take mommy to work tomorrow morning but thats ok you know...had a long conversation today with well myself about picking my battles..and it came up after mommy started hounding me about my taxes again..and how she was going to go with me and when i needed to do them and it is frustrating..it was frustrating and ii told her what i had planned to do and she didnt listen of course..and i just stopped trying to explain myself and let her have her say..kept telling myself that it was ok and that it wasnt something that i needed to be upset over because its the same argument every week..money is one of those things that there is just no point in even trying to argue with mommy about..because i wont cave and tell her where my money is going and she keeps telling me what i need to be doing with my money..but i think i did ok you know..but i noticed that if i slack off even a little bit on reminding myself what is ok and what isnt ok with mommy then the old thoughts start creeping back in and takes over and then i just kinda give up..the old thoughts are so automatic that it is just disappointing at how easy it is to get stuck in them...all i have to do is just lose focus and its like i was never even trying you know..its so hard to keep focused on something like that..was in the car at the time and when i started to drift off i made myself refocus on the music playing until i got my head back under control..and then it just started all over again..

Growth

I was cleaning out my bag tonight and pulled out the razors that i have been holding onto for months..i had them and could have done any number of things with them but in all the months i carried them around in my bag i only used them once, after christmas. Then tonight when I was looking through my bag and cleaning it out I found the razors again and just started thinking about if i needed them or not. I dont htink i need them anymore, I dont want them anymore. So I threw them away, and it took a while to do it, second guessed myself a million times and wasnt sure if i was really wanting to go through with it or not. In the end i threw them away, all of them and manage to walk away from them. Writing this now makes me wonder if I will be ok, if ill be able to keep telling myself that I no longer need them. and im not sure. but maybe thats the whole point, if i was sure about it then it would have been a lot easier to throw them away months ago. if it wasnt a struggle then there would be no point in doing any of it. This time I do feel proud of myself, because the choice was mine, i didnt need anyone to tell me what the right or wrong thing to do was. i am okay with what i did.

I realized tonight that growing up really doesnt have anything at all to do with age, well in a literal sense it does. Its all the stuff that you do that doesnt get noticed I think, that makes it more important. Doing the things you know will make you happy, taking care of yourself. I know I am fully capable of living on my own, of being safe. I know there is more to life than what I have settled for and I know i have settled into a comfort zone that I am afraid to step out of. Change is always so very scary for me, but Im tired of all of it now. Not in a suicidal way mind you, but just thinking maybe change is good right now. Im tired of all the arguing and being upset, of being so easily manipulated into feeling completely horrible for no concrete reason and i let it happen. ive let it happen for so long without noticing what was going on. and now im learning that it doesnt have to be that way. That its ok to take care of myself. talking about stuff is still really iffy and way at the bottom of the list of things im going to be doing. but at least its on the list! its just that i always think to myself that i would never allow anyone to hit me ever again but then i let mommy yell at me like im not even there and its in a way doing the same thing, getting the same result i guess. both hurt in a some way, both leave me feeling horrible. why stop one and not the other? Why is one ok and one not?

just thinking