Saturday, January 31, 2009
today
today has been ok...hung out at home, chilled out for the most part, tried to keep my cool you know..went to babysit for a while and back home and so tired right now..but a friend of the kids mom was visiting and i know her kinda you know..just in passing and well only see her a couple times a year because she lives in a different state...but i know her kids, ive watched her kids and she has been coming for years you know ..but every time she comes she asks me to come over and just see her, she talks to me about stuff but nothing serious but just funny stuff..how is it that i can see her twice a year and she tells me that she is proud of me, that i do a good job, that she loves me..i see mommy every single day, every single stupid day i see her and cant remember the last nice thing she said to me. linda asked me yesterday if mommy told me anything good or nice..and i had to think about it..it makes me feel stupid and sad to have to think about it and then not be able to come up with anything .. what is so wrong with me? what have i done that just makes me so horrible..
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
- Delicious Ambiguity.
- Delicious Ambiguity.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
just stuff
in a very very removed place right now..neither good or bad i dont think..just not completely there. you know kinda that standing behind the screen door feeling..you know its there but you can see through it perfectly..just kinda cant really do anything i guess. i dont know its kinda hard to explain now..was thinking about it this morning when i realized that i was having issues with time again..thinking though it is a response to what happened yesterday with mommy and the nephew..all the stress of dealing with them fighting an then the cops coming. im glad he left and cant come back..but that didnt just make all the stress go away. it really sucks that the cops arent allowed to do anything until someone gets hurt. then they can do something but any sooner and they cant..and then when someone dies its a big big issue because the cops could have stopped it from happening i guess..and as much as i dont really like the way mommy is i cant just stand around and let someone else hit her or stuff..thats just not ok ..and i dont like the nephew anyway. but it was just hard yesterday and took a really really long time to calm down enough to even think clearly..i was already working on processing stuff from therapy and so i was thinking really fast any way about a lot of things already..and then mommy came home and her and him just wouldnt stop and leave each other alone.and it just got worse really fast and then i just couldnt deal with anything else being in my head and i couldnt get my thoughts under control enough to even feel a little bit settled and together..and it sucked becasue then i couldnt seem to get myself to calm down and finish a complete thought..hate when i stop thinking in complete sentences..because then it means that im getting all the younger fears to and that just gets overwhelming really fast
and therapy yesterday was ok i guess..asked her to wait until next month before having me come up with something to talk about for the session and she agreed to it..and i didnt even think i was serious about that until she agreed and it was like score.. but now i only have one more session of not having to think of what to talk about and thats ok..maybe i just need to get used to the idea a bit more..i dont know..she told me she will make sure not to forget either..and thats like crap shes gonna tell in again to think of something to talk about..but later on i latched on to the fact that she actually listened to me and did what i asked..gave me what i asked for..
.talked about control and stuff again..but started thinking about a lot of different stuff after leaving therapy and its just all about stuff we did as a kid..how more often than not we did what mommy wanted and just knew better than to object..tried to refuse for a while but she always won in the end...by the time i got into high school the desire to talk was gone completely..my last year of high school one of my teachers told me that my walls were to high..that i was trying really hard to protect myself..and i guess she was right..i think i managed to get through most days of school without being noticed at all..i went because it meant i wasnt at home or around mommy. but i didnt really do much more than turn in the work i had too..didnt join clubs or do anything like that..mommy took me to school and picked me up when i stopped riding the bus because of changing schools..i always called it more of being sheltered but maybe it was a lot more than that..no it was a lot more than that..because it was like being her in a way..i didnt get into trouble.. i did what i was expected to do..i was with her all the time or she knew where i was..i didnt do anything or ask to go anywhere..maybe it was just being scared..maybe it was just knowing the answer would be no and i didnt want to risk asking and then be told something mean for why i couldnt go anywhere..weekends were the worse i guess because that meant being stuck at home for two days without anywhere to go..that meant there was absolutely no way of escaping anywhere..not even being quiet could save you on the weekend..to many empty hours..
hmm i dont know..
and therapy yesterday was ok i guess..asked her to wait until next month before having me come up with something to talk about for the session and she agreed to it..and i didnt even think i was serious about that until she agreed and it was like score.. but now i only have one more session of not having to think of what to talk about and thats ok..maybe i just need to get used to the idea a bit more..i dont know..she told me she will make sure not to forget either..and thats like crap shes gonna tell in again to think of something to talk about..but later on i latched on to the fact that she actually listened to me and did what i asked..gave me what i asked for..
.talked about control and stuff again..but started thinking about a lot of different stuff after leaving therapy and its just all about stuff we did as a kid..how more often than not we did what mommy wanted and just knew better than to object..tried to refuse for a while but she always won in the end...by the time i got into high school the desire to talk was gone completely..my last year of high school one of my teachers told me that my walls were to high..that i was trying really hard to protect myself..and i guess she was right..i think i managed to get through most days of school without being noticed at all..i went because it meant i wasnt at home or around mommy. but i didnt really do much more than turn in the work i had too..didnt join clubs or do anything like that..mommy took me to school and picked me up when i stopped riding the bus because of changing schools..i always called it more of being sheltered but maybe it was a lot more than that..no it was a lot more than that..because it was like being her in a way..i didnt get into trouble.. i did what i was expected to do..i was with her all the time or she knew where i was..i didnt do anything or ask to go anywhere..maybe it was just being scared..maybe it was just knowing the answer would be no and i didnt want to risk asking and then be told something mean for why i couldnt go anywhere..weekends were the worse i guess because that meant being stuck at home for two days without anywhere to go..that meant there was absolutely no way of escaping anywhere..not even being quiet could save you on the weekend..to many empty hours..
hmm i dont know..
Monday, January 26, 2009
on edge
there really are no words to describe everything that happened today. feeling really upset and hurt still about everything. to make a long story short i have changed my mind, i will start looking for a job now. i cant stay here. i really really cant and it hurts alot even honestly acknowledging that.
mommy found out how much money i made this weekend babysitting and it was a bit more than i told her, so she tells me that shes hurt i lied, that i shouldnt have to lie about how much money i make. and i wanted to laugh and agree with her because its like no i shouldnt have to lie that she was right about..but i learned a long time ago to never tell how much i really made because she always managed to get some of whatever the babysitting money was. never even had a real job until i was half way through college. but even now she knows when i get paid, how much i make, and then tells me what i need to do with my money, what i need to pay, what i should or shouldnt be doing..but she says i can do what i want to do and then turns right around and tells me what im going to do. but its not her money, and she cant really have a say in what im doing with my money, because i know im using my extra money for therapy..but she doesnt know that and its not like im asking her to borrow money for anything at all..but shes all mad and pissed off at me now for lying and its like well when did i learn to do it? that whole telling mommy the complete truth is something that i know better than to do..specially when it comes to money..i dont think its wrong at all to expect her to give me gas money when im running back and forth to take her to work on top of all my other driving for my job..it was her bright idea to tell me to go and pick up my sister..again something i had no interest in doing but i did it..so why cant i ask for gas money? why does it make me bad to ask for gas money? when im doing something for someone else? if i had volunteered to do it then yea im not expecting someone to give me money..but mommy goes and volunteers gas money and my time and then gets mad when she finds out that i have more money than i tell her about..she told me i needed to quit my job and work somewhere else to make more money..that i needed to quit today .. she just went on and on and i almost considered you know telling her where all my extra money was going and decided against it..because thats just one more thing for her to hold over me..tell me im not capable to live alone or something for being in therapy..tell me i cant leave..but then later one i started thinking about it and thinking that maybe it would be best to stop going to therapy to just stop the money questions..but then started thinking about how long it would take to end up in the hospital if stopped going to t..was already set to go see her tomorrow and tell her i wouldnt be coming back..that i just cant be helped..that i was sorry for wasting her time..but ive calmed down since then..and i know it wouldnt be a good idea to stop going completely..but now im not real sure i can let go of the idea entirely either. theres still a huge part of me that despises having to own up to behaviors, to stop them..stopping therapy sounds like a good idea a little bit..but being completely logical its like fine stop and see how long it takes to try suicide..i wouldnt last a month.and thats pretty pathetic
started freaking out on the drive home..well on the drive to pick up mommy and then go home..paranoia set in pretty quickly..kept thinking she would hit me..and kept thinking that if she did i was leaving..was really scared and couldnt focus and drive cas kept thinking about everything that might happen..but none of it happened and i can calm down completely or lower my guard because as soon as i do she will bring it all back up again..and not expecting it will be worse in some way..harder to control answers when im surprised..and now with having to take her back and forth to work again..i know it will come up..it will it will it will.. its making me feel crazy..i know something will happen but i dont know when and so the waiting will drive me crazy..i cant calm down expecting something to happen and not knowing what it is..just cant
mommy found out how much money i made this weekend babysitting and it was a bit more than i told her, so she tells me that shes hurt i lied, that i shouldnt have to lie about how much money i make. and i wanted to laugh and agree with her because its like no i shouldnt have to lie that she was right about..but i learned a long time ago to never tell how much i really made because she always managed to get some of whatever the babysitting money was. never even had a real job until i was half way through college. but even now she knows when i get paid, how much i make, and then tells me what i need to do with my money, what i need to pay, what i should or shouldnt be doing..but she says i can do what i want to do and then turns right around and tells me what im going to do. but its not her money, and she cant really have a say in what im doing with my money, because i know im using my extra money for therapy..but she doesnt know that and its not like im asking her to borrow money for anything at all..but shes all mad and pissed off at me now for lying and its like well when did i learn to do it? that whole telling mommy the complete truth is something that i know better than to do..specially when it comes to money..i dont think its wrong at all to expect her to give me gas money when im running back and forth to take her to work on top of all my other driving for my job..it was her bright idea to tell me to go and pick up my sister..again something i had no interest in doing but i did it..so why cant i ask for gas money? why does it make me bad to ask for gas money? when im doing something for someone else? if i had volunteered to do it then yea im not expecting someone to give me money..but mommy goes and volunteers gas money and my time and then gets mad when she finds out that i have more money than i tell her about..she told me i needed to quit my job and work somewhere else to make more money..that i needed to quit today .. she just went on and on and i almost considered you know telling her where all my extra money was going and decided against it..because thats just one more thing for her to hold over me..tell me im not capable to live alone or something for being in therapy..tell me i cant leave..but then later one i started thinking about it and thinking that maybe it would be best to stop going to therapy to just stop the money questions..but then started thinking about how long it would take to end up in the hospital if stopped going to t..was already set to go see her tomorrow and tell her i wouldnt be coming back..that i just cant be helped..that i was sorry for wasting her time..but ive calmed down since then..and i know it wouldnt be a good idea to stop going completely..but now im not real sure i can let go of the idea entirely either. theres still a huge part of me that despises having to own up to behaviors, to stop them..stopping therapy sounds like a good idea a little bit..but being completely logical its like fine stop and see how long it takes to try suicide..i wouldnt last a month.and thats pretty pathetic
started freaking out on the drive home..well on the drive to pick up mommy and then go home..paranoia set in pretty quickly..kept thinking she would hit me..and kept thinking that if she did i was leaving..was really scared and couldnt focus and drive cas kept thinking about everything that might happen..but none of it happened and i can calm down completely or lower my guard because as soon as i do she will bring it all back up again..and not expecting it will be worse in some way..harder to control answers when im surprised..and now with having to take her back and forth to work again..i know it will come up..it will it will it will.. its making me feel crazy..i know something will happen but i dont know when and so the waiting will drive me crazy..i cant calm down expecting something to happen and not knowing what it is..just cant
confusion as usual
just tired of all of it. dont want to deal with any of it. and to a point when around mommy for to long something just has to shut down, stop reacting to her, stop making trouble in a way i guess. stop listening, stop thinking, just agree with everything and let it go. but of course its the letting it go part that never completely works. i hate being treated like im stupid or completely incapable of doing anything at all. i dont need step by step directions to go mail a letter, i dont need to be told what way to drive to avoid traffic because im a bad driver. and i dont think im that bad of a driver anyway but its been over two years with my license and im still treated like i dont know what im doing and its worse when she is actually in the car with me. and then nights like last night happen where she is just mean and pushy with everyone. we stopped to pick up food to take home and she was just so rude about her food because it wasnt what she wanted, she stood at the check out line and made comments about everything they were doing for 20 mins. i told her it was mean, nia told her it was mean but she didnt care at all. it was pretty bad. told l her you cant go and treat ppl like that. not that it mattered. it doesnt make sense to me at all. all that stuff going on and it just makes me think about why im even bothering to stay. because i listen to her on the phone with other ppl telling them what they need to do, and that its important to do what they want and be happy and all this stuff and its like holy cow how is it that you can go and tell someone else that and just ignore what i want to do? shes never told me that i could do what i wanted to do. never once said anything like that to me. shes told me plenty of times what i need to do or what i should be doing. i dont know what ive done to make her not like me so much .. but then just started thinking about moving and all of that again and what i want to do because obviously mommy really just wants me to stay here and that is not going to happen either. every time sticking it out gets shorter and shorter. wanting to stay and try is just kinda slipping away because it is to hard to stay and constantly be yelled at. ok so maybe t is starting to get through to me. choice is mine, just have to make it and im not i will make the right choice. worried about what will happen after moving, where will we go, what will i be doing? stuff that shouldnt matter as much right now and it does..ive skipped the entire actually get a new job part or how long it will take or any of that. and im not counting in how long it will take to find a new job ... i forget about all of those parts. i just want to go..i almost dont care if i have a job or not..but thats a not ok plan..not having a job wont make things any easier at all..i should be happy i have a job even..but im back to part time and no real way to add in another person and that makes it hard to add on more hours..so no guess once again i dont know what to do really. hmm ok i know what to do but im not sure ill be able to do it. but being trapped here isnt the best idea either.
didnt sleep very good last night..dont know why just kept waking up. finally gave up a bit again and just got up. im so tired though, i want to sleep because if im still sleep then im not having to think of anything.
didnt sleep very good last night..dont know why just kept waking up. finally gave up a bit again and just got up. im so tired though, i want to sleep because if im still sleep then im not having to think of anything.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
...
i dont understand the purpose behind upsetting someone on purpose..upsetting them just to get the expected reaction..
its all confusing and not fair
:(
its all confusing and not fair
:(
Saturday, January 24, 2009
from yesterday
today really was a pretty ok day in general. therapy was hard because couldnt seem to talk when i was asked what i wanted to talk about. i dont know why that happens. i did manage to tell her about my teacher though. and then we just talked about power and control and stuff with mommy. not sure yet what i think about it all though. thinking about a lot of different things, a lot of old stuff that went on and i think it counts as you know taking power i think :-/ maybe a control issue i dont know yet. but anyhoo it was hard but not horrible. ive done worse thats for sure.
ok since couldnt finish this last night thanks to harris playing around with wanting to get on the comp..guess ill finish it now while they are still in bed.
mm yesterday. well my hours are being messed with again :( something but authorization and whatnot so i cant go certain days and its so stressful because i hate hate surprise schedule changes..but ok fine..sometime next week im gonna have to go and let them know i need more hours..not sure yet how ill be fitting them in..but yea more hours would be good. and the girl i was working with yesterday actually had a productive day. i was so excited..she was up and already doing stuff when i got there..i didnt have to talk to her again about finishing her chores on time to do something fun..and so yesterday we got to go to the library, the arbortreum, and the mall to get free trees. the mall thing was pretty cool and they were giving away seedlings and so we got 10 trees for her aunt cas well i wasnt to interested in it. but still a good thing you know. would have liked one but with mommy and being home, not real sure about just planting a tree in the yard..but it was still fun..and thats the most we have done in ages!! so it was nice. and then i had to babysit and i spent the night and pretty much started falling asleep at 9 go figure lol..but both riley and harris kept waking me up cas we were watching the incredibles ...again..and they kept waking me up for the parts i like..and then i had to tuck them in and told them good night a bazillion times and promised to make pancakes and bacon for breakfast lol..and then they went to sleep..
but not home you know..thats good. been even longer since i havent been home all weekend. dont think im spending the night tonight and will have to go home but still its been a nice break..
ok since couldnt finish this last night thanks to harris playing around with wanting to get on the comp..guess ill finish it now while they are still in bed.
mm yesterday. well my hours are being messed with again :( something but authorization and whatnot so i cant go certain days and its so stressful because i hate hate surprise schedule changes..but ok fine..sometime next week im gonna have to go and let them know i need more hours..not sure yet how ill be fitting them in..but yea more hours would be good. and the girl i was working with yesterday actually had a productive day. i was so excited..she was up and already doing stuff when i got there..i didnt have to talk to her again about finishing her chores on time to do something fun..and so yesterday we got to go to the library, the arbortreum, and the mall to get free trees. the mall thing was pretty cool and they were giving away seedlings and so we got 10 trees for her aunt cas well i wasnt to interested in it. but still a good thing you know. would have liked one but with mommy and being home, not real sure about just planting a tree in the yard..but it was still fun..and thats the most we have done in ages!! so it was nice. and then i had to babysit and i spent the night and pretty much started falling asleep at 9 go figure lol..but both riley and harris kept waking me up cas we were watching the incredibles ...again..and they kept waking me up for the parts i like..and then i had to tuck them in and told them good night a bazillion times and promised to make pancakes and bacon for breakfast lol..and then they went to sleep..
but not home you know..thats good. been even longer since i havent been home all weekend. dont think im spending the night tonight and will have to go home but still its been a nice break..
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
sad
I got an email today from one of my college professors that I still stay in contact with. She let me know that one of my teachers, my favoritest teacher out of all of my years of college died over the weekend. I dont know what im supposed to do, how to deal with it, handle it. The funeral is to far away and I cant go. Im not even sure what to write back to the teacher that emailed me.
My teacher stuck with me the entire time I was in the school of social work, she stuck up for me, believed in me and my abilities completely. She knew to call on me if she wanted an answer because I didnt talk in class. She knew about the cutting and therapy and let me know she cared. I spent hours in her office just hanging out, helping her with her classes. She listened to me when I talked to her, she let me sit in on one of her grad school classes and didnt laugh at me when I told her the students in the class sucked because I knew it and they didnt and I was just the lowly undergrad. She was such a big help and now shes not there anymore :(
My teacher stuck with me the entire time I was in the school of social work, she stuck up for me, believed in me and my abilities completely. She knew to call on me if she wanted an answer because I didnt talk in class. She knew about the cutting and therapy and let me know she cared. I spent hours in her office just hanging out, helping her with her classes. She listened to me when I talked to her, she let me sit in on one of her grad school classes and didnt laugh at me when I told her the students in the class sucked because I knew it and they didnt and I was just the lowly undergrad. She was such a big help and now shes not there anymore :(
Sunday, January 18, 2009
it really doesnt matter what i do or say..im wrong very very wrong. shes right and im wrong and bad and mean and horrible and i dont know. doesnt matter. tired of crying about it. headache wont go away after earlier today when it was all laid out for me from mommy..about how i only care about me, how much im mean and rude..how i have to many secrets..it went on and on and on..at some point i stopped listening..just kinda went away..couldnt deal with it all anymore..cept it doesnt matter cas the effect is still the same..the thoughts are all over the place and today turned into every other day this past week..stupid me for trying to be ok ..stupid me for thinking i mattered at all and was an adult..ive forgotten what its supposed to be like at home and have been talking to much..saying all the wrong things..would be easier if i would just shut up and do what i was told to do and not argue..go back to being quiet and good and whatever it is im supposed to be..kept thinking why dont u just hit me and get it out of your system..would go faster..would be easier..cant figure out what im thinking about..cas its all not good anyway..i dont want to talk anymore..i dont want to go to therapy..i dont want to do anything at all
Friday, January 16, 2009
score
i gget my journal back today. i made it the entire 3 or so days without it..didnt really write without it but i made it without to many upsetting thoughts going on..all i have to do is wait till this evening to see her and get it back
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
am sorry
i want my journal back, its making me feel really nervous to not have it, to know that linda has it and is reading it and i dont have it..and im just upset i left it with her to read..only a day and a half left of waiting to get it back..:(
jobs
It is so easy and clear at times, to figure out what you have to do in order to make things change. The steps are so simple to look at and understand. When it comes time to implement the steps that is when suddenly it is not as easy. Filling out and mailing applications never get finished, there are so many reasons for not doing it. Changing things becomes scary and uncertain, and it is not that choosing to stay unhappy is what is important but changing things, moving on is something that is never expected. Settle for less because that is all you are good for is what the thoughts are at times. Settling is not living though, settling is only getting by. Getting by just is not good enough anymore. :2c I wonder if I was offered a job, a better one, a stable one would I take it? Would it be considered selling out on the job I have now? Should I base so much on a job that is not very stable?
I dont know
hmm all that being said, i have been looking around online again tonight, just seeing what is open and descriptions and stuff. Found one I would really like to apply for and hopefully interview for..that would make 3 i plan on sending in applications for. the last one being close enough to live home until we could save enough to move and not feel so stressed and rushed with it all. but at least i wrote down information for all of them and what i need and dates it has to be in by so i dont forget. i look at the applications and just feel overwhelmed completely..and immediately dont want to do it..but having hours cut again is not cool..i dont want to start with someone new..again..i dont want to add anymore driving onto what i already do..i dont want to get to know another family..i feel guilty for taking the new baby and then going and looking for another job..but also it could be a couple months before i get a job..and its not as if i can stop working completely :snoopy i just dont know..mommy keeps asking why i want to move far away..why i want to live alone..i dont know what else to tell her about that..maybe im just scared..and worried im doing something that i once again shouldnt do..but my options are pretty simple..move or dont move..work or dont work..be happy or not happy..but all connected in the easiest of ways cas at the bottom of all of it is mommy..and that just isnt working out so hot..even putting it off completely i have till monday to get the applications out and let them get there on time..id rather it was sooner though..maybe it is just time to move on..but im just not ok with the loss of hours yet again..
I dont know
hmm all that being said, i have been looking around online again tonight, just seeing what is open and descriptions and stuff. Found one I would really like to apply for and hopefully interview for..that would make 3 i plan on sending in applications for. the last one being close enough to live home until we could save enough to move and not feel so stressed and rushed with it all. but at least i wrote down information for all of them and what i need and dates it has to be in by so i dont forget. i look at the applications and just feel overwhelmed completely..and immediately dont want to do it..but having hours cut again is not cool..i dont want to start with someone new..again..i dont want to add anymore driving onto what i already do..i dont want to get to know another family..i feel guilty for taking the new baby and then going and looking for another job..but also it could be a couple months before i get a job..and its not as if i can stop working completely :snoopy i just dont know..mommy keeps asking why i want to move far away..why i want to live alone..i dont know what else to tell her about that..maybe im just scared..and worried im doing something that i once again shouldnt do..but my options are pretty simple..move or dont move..work or dont work..be happy or not happy..but all connected in the easiest of ways cas at the bottom of all of it is mommy..and that just isnt working out so hot..even putting it off completely i have till monday to get the applications out and let them get there on time..id rather it was sooner though..maybe it is just time to move on..but im just not ok with the loss of hours yet again..
Friday, January 09, 2009
is it ?
is it really so bad to give up ? quit trying to know absolutely nothing at all? all this fighting and struggling to gain nothing at all. no peace of mind, no balance. Things are more screwed up now than they were a year ago. Its not that it just got worse, no its becoming freaking unbearable. i don't want to do it anymore, I don't want it to be like this forever. I don't.
-sigh-..i guess i can do a bit better than that..
when did things get to feeling so incredibly messed up? no i guess the better question is when did i become so aware of how messed up it all is..i want things to go back to the way they were when i kept myself in a complete bubble of nothingness..that would be good..that would be nice..but i cant get there anymore and its frustrating because all the thinking is i dont know..im tired of thinking and not figuring any of it out..and then i dont even tell linda any of it and i didnt realize i had gone completely quiet with her..somehow i missed that ..but shes right..im not telling her anything anymore..im not doing it on purpose..but its like my defenses are working overtime to make sure i dont say anything that im not supposed to say..which is almost all of it ...dont know where i learned it was better not to tell..had never really considered how much it is that mommy tells me what to say about stuff..until i mentioned it today..and how much i dont like being told what to say..but its like with her im just stupid and so for my own good mommy is there to make sure i say the right thing..but i dont get the chance to say anything..i dont get the chance to do anything..and so messing up is just a million times worse..or being expected to talk for myself is like crap i dont know what im supposed to say..and being in trouble is a really big deal but i dont know why because in my head i know that if mommy doesnt know im there then i cant be in trouble..but its just paranoia maybe because i stopped today without telling why it was so hard not being at home..makes me sound crazy to say that i was almost positive mommy would just randomly turn up at my school to check on me..to make sure i was being good..any car that looked like hers freaked me out..and if i was doing anything that could be possibly conceived as being wrong or fun or anything would get me in trouble..and it really was pretty bad then..but ive been gone long enough and gone back and forth enough to know that its not like that..still get the thoughts and it still freaks me out..because it makes me think im being followed or something..and its bad enough that she watches me all the time..and i hate being watched or looked at..all parts of being noticed..all ways to just be picked apart..i dont need any other ways to be picked apart..because mommy does it all the time and then i make it a point to wear stuff she doesnt like because its the only way to get back at her i guess.not that it matters..ill always just be wrong in some way..and i never ever want her to touch me..i moved away from her when she was doing something or getting ready to touch me and she asked why i did it..not like im gonna tell her that im afraid of being hit still..doesnt even matter that i havent been actually hit in almost 7 years i guess..i still think she will just turn around and hit me if i make her mad enough..and i wonder if that will be when i say im leaving and not coming back..im not ok with being hit but ill stay and be yelled at..no that doesnt make sense either..she said shes never done anything to hurt me and that shes been a good parent..and it makes me feel like a liar because no i dont remember everything but i know i was hit an awful lot..am i wrong? am i making it all up? but why would i make it up? its to tiring to make up! if i was making up my life i would have made it a whole lot nicer..id actually remember it too..yea that would prolly be an important part of things..but mommy goes and says something like that and i doubt it all..maybe im remembering it wrong..maybe im doing it all for attention..but i dont want attention..i cant want attention and want to be ignored at the same time..maybe i just dont want to know what happened but thats just stupid to..actually all of it is just stupid..and now that ive gotten that out guess ill move on..im tired and want to go home..but not home with mommy..i dont know where i want to go really and nights like this make me nervous because i dont know where to go to ease the anxiety and calm down..and i cant wander around all night..but theres no where to hide either..cant feel unsafe and not know why can you..like one of these days mommy will figure it all out and ill be in so much trouble..thats always the response to things..im going to be so dead if mommy find out..great way to live you know..constant fear..
nevermind
-sigh-..i guess i can do a bit better than that..
when did things get to feeling so incredibly messed up? no i guess the better question is when did i become so aware of how messed up it all is..i want things to go back to the way they were when i kept myself in a complete bubble of nothingness..that would be good..that would be nice..but i cant get there anymore and its frustrating because all the thinking is i dont know..im tired of thinking and not figuring any of it out..and then i dont even tell linda any of it and i didnt realize i had gone completely quiet with her..somehow i missed that ..but shes right..im not telling her anything anymore..im not doing it on purpose..but its like my defenses are working overtime to make sure i dont say anything that im not supposed to say..which is almost all of it ...dont know where i learned it was better not to tell..had never really considered how much it is that mommy tells me what to say about stuff..until i mentioned it today..and how much i dont like being told what to say..but its like with her im just stupid and so for my own good mommy is there to make sure i say the right thing..but i dont get the chance to say anything..i dont get the chance to do anything..and so messing up is just a million times worse..or being expected to talk for myself is like crap i dont know what im supposed to say..and being in trouble is a really big deal but i dont know why because in my head i know that if mommy doesnt know im there then i cant be in trouble..but its just paranoia maybe because i stopped today without telling why it was so hard not being at home..makes me sound crazy to say that i was almost positive mommy would just randomly turn up at my school to check on me..to make sure i was being good..any car that looked like hers freaked me out..and if i was doing anything that could be possibly conceived as being wrong or fun or anything would get me in trouble..and it really was pretty bad then..but ive been gone long enough and gone back and forth enough to know that its not like that..still get the thoughts and it still freaks me out..because it makes me think im being followed or something..and its bad enough that she watches me all the time..and i hate being watched or looked at..all parts of being noticed..all ways to just be picked apart..i dont need any other ways to be picked apart..because mommy does it all the time and then i make it a point to wear stuff she doesnt like because its the only way to get back at her i guess.not that it matters..ill always just be wrong in some way..and i never ever want her to touch me..i moved away from her when she was doing something or getting ready to touch me and she asked why i did it..not like im gonna tell her that im afraid of being hit still..doesnt even matter that i havent been actually hit in almost 7 years i guess..i still think she will just turn around and hit me if i make her mad enough..and i wonder if that will be when i say im leaving and not coming back..im not ok with being hit but ill stay and be yelled at..no that doesnt make sense either..she said shes never done anything to hurt me and that shes been a good parent..and it makes me feel like a liar because no i dont remember everything but i know i was hit an awful lot..am i wrong? am i making it all up? but why would i make it up? its to tiring to make up! if i was making up my life i would have made it a whole lot nicer..id actually remember it too..yea that would prolly be an important part of things..but mommy goes and says something like that and i doubt it all..maybe im remembering it wrong..maybe im doing it all for attention..but i dont want attention..i cant want attention and want to be ignored at the same time..maybe i just dont want to know what happened but thats just stupid to..actually all of it is just stupid..and now that ive gotten that out guess ill move on..im tired and want to go home..but not home with mommy..i dont know where i want to go really and nights like this make me nervous because i dont know where to go to ease the anxiety and calm down..and i cant wander around all night..but theres no where to hide either..cant feel unsafe and not know why can you..like one of these days mommy will figure it all out and ill be in so much trouble..thats always the response to things..im going to be so dead if mommy find out..great way to live you know..constant fear..
nevermind
Monday, January 05, 2009
have had a headache all day...just want to lay down and sleep but have to get work stuff done cas have to take mommy to work in the morning so i really do have to be ready to leave at 6:30 and i guess ill just be staying out until see t tomoorrow at the usual time before work..but yea think just all the stress and what not makes it harder on my head..but have to stay focused at least for another couple hours and then ill have to go and do something else i guess..
but went to work..was over an hour late again this morning :( stayed to play with waynes puppy cas it made me happy and i didnt even know he had her..her names mya and she is cute..shes small and white with brown spots and she jumped all over me and followed me around the room and up the stairs. told him that mya liked me better than him :) and she was so excited and jumpy! but then dusti came and they both looked at each other for lots of tiime but then mya started to bark and dusti started to hiss soooooo i just held mya till it was time for her to leave again..didnt want them to fight or anything and its been acouple years since dusti has been around any other animals..but id rather they didnt fight or anything..but dusti is fine maybe a lil jealous though!
have been thinking a lot about choices and what we want to do..and moving is way at the top of the list..but then we are at home and theres a night like tonight where things are almost civil and no arguing..most likely because she knows im her ride to work tomorrow so no need to upset me tonight..pretty pathetic i guess..but i really do think thats what it is..and then in a couple days things will be the same as usual and it is hard to know when it will be a good day and when it wont be a good day..
but went to work..was over an hour late again this morning :( stayed to play with waynes puppy cas it made me happy and i didnt even know he had her..her names mya and she is cute..shes small and white with brown spots and she jumped all over me and followed me around the room and up the stairs. told him that mya liked me better than him :) and she was so excited and jumpy! but then dusti came and they both looked at each other for lots of tiime but then mya started to bark and dusti started to hiss soooooo i just held mya till it was time for her to leave again..didnt want them to fight or anything and its been acouple years since dusti has been around any other animals..but id rather they didnt fight or anything..but dusti is fine maybe a lil jealous though!
have been thinking a lot about choices and what we want to do..and moving is way at the top of the list..but then we are at home and theres a night like tonight where things are almost civil and no arguing..most likely because she knows im her ride to work tomorrow so no need to upset me tonight..pretty pathetic i guess..but i really do think thats what it is..and then in a couple days things will be the same as usual and it is hard to know when it will be a good day and when it wont be a good day..
everything is messed up
things have been really hard ..well today is better but the weekend was really hard..had therapy on friday..and yea real soon im gonna have to stop going twice a week but she brought a few things to my attention and im really upset that she told me know..or that she didnt agree with the way i was thinking about things and told me its ok to look at it all differently and her diferent is not the same as mine but now im just mad that shes gone and managed to ruin plans ive had for years and didnt know i even really had them..it is overwhleming to realize that the plan all along is to die eventually..and t trying to work with me to think about it all differently is just not going so well..its hard to think of any of this and so of course its all that im thinking about..because it all just means knowing and believing that mommy wont change..and its not my responsibility to try...but keep thinking it is..keep thinking that i dont know what will happen if i dont keep trying..but then its just been something ive worked so hard on for so long..if i try hard enough it will be better..that if i come home and hope things will be better then they will be..but all i do is set myself up to be let down horribly..and its the same every time..its never good enough..theres always something that can be done better..faster..neater..its always something that i have to fix..and i had forgotten that somehow i worked it out in my head that once i was good enough for mommy it wouldnt even matter because then i would be dead andit would all be ok..the only problem in the plan is that now linda knows part of it and disagrees completely with it..and i didnt realize it would bother me so much to be told that it doesnt make sense..that i work so hard to change and be better when i cant be responsible for someone else..mainly mommy..but still..and then i was a bigger dork and mentioned i wasnt even sure mommy liked me..which dug up a whole lot of thoughts and feelings i didnt want..and couldnt seem to stop thinking about either..
ended up going out yesterday night but it was to do stuff for other ppl...mommys car is really messing up so i got to run errands with her for the weekend..and take her to work this morning which i didnt care about at all..but its just that she waits until 10 mins before she needs to leave and then 'asks' if i can take her..when she knew last night she had no way to get to work and didnt ask me then..no she waits and then can yell at me for being selfish for not wanting to do it..my schedule just isnt as important to her..doesnt matter at all what i was supposed to be doing or anything..
trying so hard to stay calm but just cant seem to let go of the anger of all thats going on..trying to figure out what it is that i want to do..a friend of mine sent me a message again last night letting me know that the place where she works is hiriing again...they were hiring months ago too and she told me and i said i would consider it and then forgot all about it..but now im wondering why i didnt do it the first time..cas of course she told me i could go and stay with her until i got set up and everything there...the only real draw back is that she is in oregon...like a three day drive from me..and that is a huge huge distance..talk about a huge huge change! but just something to consider i guess..because now i am going to look for another job..cant let go of the whole yea not a good place to be stuff now that its been brought to my attention..cant ignore it the same anymore..and it just hurts more..maybe moving and starting over somewhere will be a good thing..living alone again..or even staying with a friend is better than being at home currently..or maybe ill just randomly pick a state and go there and start over...ok so thats not the best plan lol..but just need to do something...and cant put everyone elses thoughts into it..because then ill just get stuck on mommy telling me what i need to do, or the kids i babysit mom telling me i should stay here..or everyone just adding in there thoughts on what i should be doing and then ill just end up stuck again..no its obviously not going to happen all tomorrow but at least im thinking about it again..
ended up going out yesterday night but it was to do stuff for other ppl...mommys car is really messing up so i got to run errands with her for the weekend..and take her to work this morning which i didnt care about at all..but its just that she waits until 10 mins before she needs to leave and then 'asks' if i can take her..when she knew last night she had no way to get to work and didnt ask me then..no she waits and then can yell at me for being selfish for not wanting to do it..my schedule just isnt as important to her..doesnt matter at all what i was supposed to be doing or anything..
trying so hard to stay calm but just cant seem to let go of the anger of all thats going on..trying to figure out what it is that i want to do..a friend of mine sent me a message again last night letting me know that the place where she works is hiriing again...they were hiring months ago too and she told me and i said i would consider it and then forgot all about it..but now im wondering why i didnt do it the first time..cas of course she told me i could go and stay with her until i got set up and everything there...the only real draw back is that she is in oregon...like a three day drive from me..and that is a huge huge distance..talk about a huge huge change! but just something to consider i guess..because now i am going to look for another job..cant let go of the whole yea not a good place to be stuff now that its been brought to my attention..cant ignore it the same anymore..and it just hurts more..maybe moving and starting over somewhere will be a good thing..living alone again..or even staying with a friend is better than being at home currently..or maybe ill just randomly pick a state and go there and start over...ok so thats not the best plan lol..but just need to do something...and cant put everyone elses thoughts into it..because then ill just get stuck on mommy telling me what i need to do, or the kids i babysit mom telling me i should stay here..or everyone just adding in there thoughts on what i should be doing and then ill just end up stuck again..no its obviously not going to happen all tomorrow but at least im thinking about it again..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)