for the record

and for the record. according to mommy this morning we are all bastards and worthless


i really dont know why i bother trying

back home

we are back..got home late last night...no more 20 hour trips for a while..im done! i dont even want to look at the inside of a car right now..but it was nice being able to drive my own car again and having all r own stuff in the car..and just i guess the comfort of knowing it was my space..not shared or crammed full of stuff..well its my car so yea it is crammed full of stuff lol..but still its my stuff..

the trip was ok..the drive was hard to deal with..and saturday ended up not really being ok..and some how managed to tell yvonne that i just needed to stay distracted..and that was hours after cutting but she picked up on the silence a bit more after being together for a week..we had a rather interesting conversation one night at her grandparents and she just kinda told me she figured i was cutting way back when we met/lived together.. among other things and it surprised the heck out of me because i was incredibly careful you know..it was never an issue..and i didnt deny it or come right out and agree that i was..but i guess not saying anything at all was as good as saying yea i was cutting..and she called me on my lovely fake excuse for how the scars got on my arm...funny excuse but obviously not true if you thought about it for a while..but eventually i got around to telilng her that i had an agreement with my doc to call if i really wasnt safe and everything and told her not to worry but well no one seems to listen to me when i say that..but trying not to think to much about it..cas i think it was just more shocking than anything else..overall the trip was fine...a lot overwhelming with all the ppl i didnt know and going place..i think it makes it harder for me because yea everyone i met was really nice and welcoming and here i am just sitting in almost absolute silence..afraid to say anything or be noticed or even looked at for that matter..and so many ppl wanted hugs and i did a bit better than just standing there and leaving my arms down but it was just a bit to much at times..i was better when it was just her grandparents that i was around but anyone else and i just didnt say much..at all..ever .. but while we were there we toasted breakfast in the fireplace..my idea! i walked in and saw the fireplace that was in the kitchen and it was like great i want to make breakfast..and we did one morning and it was cool...and majorly hot!

but now its back to everything at home..schedules and work and therapy and im glad to be back i am..and its prolly helping alot that mommy is stilll out of town until tomorrow sometime..less stress being at home at least for another day..

still really sad about saturday though and how nothing swayed the thoughts from cutting..realized how much it was missed and wanted and its like all i really wanted was an excuse to stop trying so hard..mess up once..no need to keep trying type stuff..a lot harder now though because my arm is still sore..and the whole day is still fairly clear in my head..and i dont know..trying to keep reminding myself i dont have to cut.but now i want too..and i could just scream for having razors with me in the first place..the ones we got months ago and never used just keeps managing to switch bags and so had them... no real idea how to tell linda what happened..didnt call her..and still havent because im ok..surprisingly..really sad at times about cutting and everything but not suicidal...currently..and that may be from cutting..

20 hour drive and other randomness

we are now in louisiana and it took us 20 hours to drive down here..i slept almost the entire trip which is really odd all by its self because normally i dont sleep like that on long trips..normally im the one sitting awake bored out of my mind.but it had been areally busy week before we left..i was sick..and tired and just completely out of it..so maybe thats why i slept so much on the drive..but i really was rather useless in the whole thing..because i would be talking and then id be sleep and then id have to fight to wake myself up again...really weird..but we made it safely and it is nice being here...completely not what i expected..its just different is all..yvonnes grandparents are really nice though..forever asking if i need or want anything..they tell me good morning and good night and its like i almost dont know how to deal with it because it doesnt happen any where else..i dont get it from anyone else...and i dont know how to respond to it really..its hard and today im feeling a little sad and quiet but i dont know...im alright..hard getting used to having no pressure at all..i dont have to do anything..i dont have to talk..im not expected to or told to do anything at all..its a nice feeling..doesnt happen often and i know ill be a basketcase when it comes time to leave and go home..mostly though my days are just going around with yvonne and her grandparents to run errands and visit ppl...and i mostly just sit and watch..because well new ppl..and me talking just so dont really go together at all..but i am ok..i think

....just stuff

made it through the night without cutting ...127 days without cutting..lil over 4 months..hard to believe..really really hard to believe..well the suicidal feelings rent a good trade off for not cutting but still...feeling really sad today though..just kinda dejected about everything .. struggling to stay focused on what i need to do and get done by friday and mommy isnt making it any easier on me..so i think tonight ill be focusing on moving rooms and getting that all done and taken care of..tomorrow will be packing since i actually did laundry last night and that makes it easier to pack..and then making sure dusti is taken care of and christmas shopping tomorrow too..and then therapy again on friday after work..and last minute stuff friday night to stay awake until time to leave..and then endless hours on the road..not looking forward to sitting still for that long and im sure after the first few hours ill be wanting to get out of the car and never drive anywhere ever again..but bringing all my usual distraction stuff to kinda help with the restlessness and then the anixety about being somewhere new...cas even though i know her grandparents wouldnt hurt me or do anything to me im still scared of being there..and not really knowing the area or what to expect..i think the not knowing is bothering me most of all right now..

still thinking lots about therapy yesterday and im afraid because im actually starting to talk to her..and yea she still has to ask a lot of questions and nope i dont make it easy on her at all but all that aside i actually told her i was worried about leaving and not seeing her next week..and even went and asked her if she wanted to come along with yvonne and i..couldnt believe i actually asked that..couldnt believe i had even told her some of what was really bothering me..and then of course i told her about the suicide stuff not working and how i was still trying to think of another plan of sorts..and its like i wasnt supposed to do that..talking about how much i want to die just isnt supposed to happen because thats the last bit of control i have in a way..if no one knows then obviously i cant be stopped..and i guess i dont want to be stopped but then i went and told her because im not even sure i want to die..and none of it makes sense and im worried about all of it..shes worried because im so hopeless and think that im just not going to be fixed..and if she cant help then i dont know what my options become because at that point..if it gets to that point im sure i wont like or want those options...in some ways im still controlling the thoughts..ive promised to call her if i had to and i will..i have..but still the fear of doing something without getting intouch with her or not being ablee to wait..or even just thinking i need to do it scares me enough to tell her and tell all of it..
but im ok i guess..no worse than usual after making it through yesterday

really upset

was earlier and i guess that kind of explains it all in a nut shell. :(

but it took what 5 or so hours before the big feelings hit i guess...im afraid.im scared..i want to cry..i want to cut..i really want to cut.. i want to comforted..i want a hug to be touched ..loved..wanted..but my aversion to being touched gets in the way..i just want to know that im ok..that things will be ok..i want someone to rub my back..acknowledge me existence..calm my fears..i dont even know where the fears are coming from..im afraid of everything today..im scared to leave even though i want to go out of town..im afraid to tell my therapist how bad the thoughts are getting how constant..i tried today and hated admitting that i was even still suicidal..that one plan didnt work..cant work now and so im ready to think up another plan..that should worry me and it doesnt..i was more worried about telling t and having her worry about me..everything is bothering me right now..but being scared and wanting to cut to calm the need to cry is taking over my head...ive written..ive watched cartoons..ive wasted time..and still all i want to to just lay down and cry forever..and i dont know why

mommy came home in a bad bad mood...lots of yelling and stuff...made feelings of wanting to cut much stronger..want to cut so very much

thinking

i keep thinking that there has to be more to life .. that there is something that i am missing..and i think that because of talking about boundaries lately with linda i know what it is...im still trying so hard to protect myself to live and not live at the same time..i dont allow any one to know me..i dont talk to anyone..i live at home and some days its like i dont know they people i live with..i dont see the world completely i guess..its all overshadowed in a way..covered by something but im not sure what it is..my comfort zone is so solid and unforgiving..nothing can come in or out without me knowing about it indepth before i ever agree to do it..or allow it in..and then i miss out on all the little things..i miss out on remembering all the little things..and that makes me so sad..and feel hopeless

but there are ppl who havent given up on me..i have to remember that
its just hard sometimes
to keep going
to not give up

im ashamed of myself..for looking for the pills..for wanting them..for being willing to just steal them and have them..and keep them...but what good would it do because once i have them then it would be oh so easy to take them all..but i dont have them..they are all gone..they are not there anymore..and that upsets me..i wanted them..i needed them..i looked for them..if i found them i would have taken them..and now that plan wont work anymore..and im at a loss for what i want to do now...i didnt realize it would disappoint me this much..i didnt realize how much i needed them to move on with the so called plan..even though i told linda i would call her if what i was thinking got anymore detailed..she trusts me to call her if my plan becomes something more than just a plan and im upset that i actually considered not doing it..the thoughts are still there and that bothers me..but now also im worried because its like plan 1 didnt work so now i just need to stay calm and focused and come up with something else..like nothing is going to take my attention away from what i want which is dying and im not even sure i really want that..i just think i do..i just think it will be the way to fix all of this..to make it all go away..to make it all better..when thats not true..i know its not..but i cant seem to not think it..ive spent the past couple days waiting it out..trying hard not to react to thoughts that run through my head..serious problems with calming myself down when i realized how bad at times my thoughts were..but i havent acted on them..only considered strongly for a bit friday..but somehow made it through that too..but the sadness is ever present..and im afraid its only going to get worse..4 months with no cutting and now all i think about is suicide..not really a good trade off :(

weekend stuff

went to yvonnes graduation yesterday..sad that she graduated..proud that she graduated..but now she is moving in a couple weeks once we are back from her grandparents..and thats making me really sad...among other things..jealous too..because her family came for her graduation and all watched her walk across the stage..and when i graduated no one was there to see me walk across the stage..mommy and r sister came to the real big school wide graduation..and that should count i guess..but just sad remembering that no one was there to see the big moment..to busy to take off the weekend to do all my graduation stuff...but am sure when henry graduates she will be there for it all.. and then ended up staying last night cas it got late and i freaked because i couldnt find my bank card..and then found it but ended up just staying cas coming home last night was causing a lot of unrest and anxiety...but home now..

need to go and get some cold meds..coughing and generally not feeling so great the past couple days and cough is getting worse..and trying hard not to show that around mommy..cas that would be an i told you so conversation that im just not up for at all..and i dont want to hear again how i dont have insurance..

got a really nice phone call today..i think because it was completely unexpected that it came today makes it better..but it was from the dad of my client that moved over the summer..he called to let me know how everyone was doing and told me that my client missed me and remembered me..said he would email me pictures and told me he wanted to stay in touch a bit more.. :rb i still miss that particular client and his family and i am so glad that his dad called and let me know what was going on and how he has been doing and that he wants to stay in touch. he thanked me again for how well i worked with his son..and i havent seen them in months! and he thanked me! it was nice you know..it came at a time where i really needed it too..and for that i am incredibly thankful that i even picked up the phone..

talked...

dont really like my doc knowing that im suicidal again..or that a plan is forming..yea not good..

also dont like being told that things will most likely get worse before they get better...yea not cool..and im not sure things can get any worse ..without me dying and well she is trying not to let that happen..

....

no things will not be like this forever..it just cant be..i dont want it to be..have actually been using a couple of message boards to kinda talk and get feedback on different things, different issues...because i have such a problem calling any of it abuse..still kinda tip toeing around that whole thing..but linda calls it what it is and i think that makes me feel really nervous..and scared..but the message boards have been really helpful lately..and im glad im actually starting to write and use them for support..and listening..and in general goofing off some days..

today sadness won out..and right now im feeling incredibly sad but i dont know why..im just sad, disappointed..scared..i dont know..not even at home right this minute..yvonne came and we went out for a bit..and now im at her place cas she asked me if i would go to a party thing with her tomorrow..for her graduation stuff..cas she graduates on friday! and i am proud of her..and im happy she asked and no i dont do great with parties and stuff but its an ease on the anxiety knowing im going with her at least..and then ill be coming back on thursday night so ill be here for her graduation..and then home..and then the week after that it will be packing to go out of town and that is scary all by its self..

lots of thinking

yesterday for the first time in therapy i actually talked and stayed present enough to talk about what we were well talking about. i worked very hard at it..and kept talking with a lot of prompting and her asking questions..but managed to maybe even fill up like 20 mins all by myself..wow ! picked a hell of a topic to want to talk about but got through it sorta..

talked about lots of different things dealing with mommy and that maybe things werent my fault...and boundaries and eye contact..all of which im still thinking about a lot..my doc asked me to draw what my boundaries look like talked about boundaries a little bit in t today and she asked that i draw what my boundaries are. In terms of you and the rest of the world. What does it look like. She asked this and i immediately thought well duh brick wall, nothing gets in and nothing gets out. But thinking about it now thats not really how it is. I think its more of like the windows in the police station when you cant see out but someone can see inside, except im the one looking out and no one can see inside. That way im closed off but can still allow a relationship to form with someone else, no it wont be an incredibly close one but it can still be formed and i can still protect myself very heavily. she just asked the question in a really interesting way..because once she asked me to draw it my lovely imagaination just went into overdrive and it makes it a little easier to look at something but its not flat..or just words..because obviously my head doesnt work like that..and in a way i can see it once i start describing it and thinking about it..

i have a lot of trouble with eye contact, its more noticeable around adults but just in general i am really bad about making and keeping eye contact. its hard for me. i get nervous and scared and just cant seem to look at the other person. i guess its a lot worse with the t because its just me and her in the room and lal of her attention is on me and i dont like that and because of what we talk about i get even more nervous and scared...and ashamed..and just cant bring myself to look at her...but we were talking about it yesterday some or she was and i was listening and she mentiioned that she thought it was because i was afraid of people..that being afraid could be a part of why i have such a hard time looking at someone else..and i wanted to deny it and i think i did a little bit but now ive been thinking abuot it more and it does make sense. but i hate that it does becuase i spend a lot of time around people you know, i work one on one with people and their families, im around people but yet im completely alone at the same time. working one on one with clients stops me from having to interact as much, especially with my nonverbal clients. i go home where 3 other people live and still manage to exisist only in my world where im safe and alone and its quiet. i have such a hard time talking and interacting with other people, and not beingable to keep eye contact does make it worse. group things makes me panic, talking to someone i dont know just doesnt happen. i have no idea how ive managed to keep the few friends i do have because i cant seem to hold a complete conversation a lot of the time. I had never called it being afraid though but maybe thats what it is..

she did a lot of reassuring to yesterday..because i swear i start shutting down after a while and getting really scared about talking to her..and just talking about stuff..

its just weird that now im struggling to talk about it all almost as much as i struggle to not talk about it..theres still a huge sense of wrongness to it all..so many questions and no answers..lots of fear..

lots of thoughts in my head...

quote

"Life can only be understood backwards
It must be lived facing forward "