disappointed..and other stuff

im feeling really disappointed in myself right now..well tonight.. i know im not ok..i know that last night i was seriously thinking a lot of not so good stuff..i didnt just want to cut but i was willing to cut just to get my head to stop..i was thinking that i would just cut and get it over with but then i started thinking it would be even more disappointing to cut and not have the same feelings as before.. i was worried that i would ruin my 80 or so days and then it doesnt work..and that would be really disapointing..and then having to tell that i did it.. i wanted to cut my arms .. i was willing to show them..but what would be the cost of giving in..i didnt last night but i wanted too..i kept thinking that i had to call her but i didnt want to because i didnt know what to say..i didnt know what i was thinking and i couldnt put it into words..i just wasnt ok..and so i did the bare minimum to get away with it but still the guilt over calling and hanging up without leaving a message kept me in check i guess..so i didnt do anything last night..eventually came home and took some sleeping pills and just went to bed..because i didnt know of anything else to do to keep myself safe enough i guess..but that worked i guess..i was sleep by 9:30 and then i had to wake up at 4:30 to take mommy to the airport..and freaking a the meds werent out of my system yet and so im struggling to drive and stay awake when all my eyes want to do is close and i just wanted to sleep..and it was so hard driving and keepiong focus this morning..hmm but then i went to see linda and i knew i asnt ok..i knew i was feeling suicidal and all this other stuff and i didnt tell her..i coudlnt tell her and i dont even know why... and thats why im feeling so disappointed in myself..like i knew it and i didnt let her hepl me...i feel calmer from seeing her but the feelings are still there and i didnt tell her and if i do anything its like crap..what wil she think? will she be mad at me..im very worried she will be mad at me..that really scares me..if i stress about it enough maybe ill tell her next week..maybe ill collect my thoughts enough to write it down and show her..i dont know..but its worrying me alot..and i guess it will all weekend...im upset i didnt call her when i knew i needed to talk to her..i got through it well enough but i just know talking to her would have made it a little easier..and then she would have known before i came today.. but it still involves me talking and telling her and im still not so good at voicing whats wrong..i still have a lot of trouble asking for help...asking her for help..letting her know whats wrong..i dont even know whats wrong most of the time..but we are going to back off from past stuff..because its just so hard and i dont know so much of it..maybe it will help..maybe it will give me time to chill out and calm down a little bit before trying to go back into it..theres plenty of other stuff to not talk abut im sure..if only i wouldnt get so distracted..-sigh- lots of thoughts in my head right now..

but onto a different subject...theres this photography show at the library in a couple weeks..and anyone can submit pictures.and i was umm thinking o f submitting some.but im nervous and cant decide if i want to or not..i mean i have som good pictures i think but just knowing i will be showing them someplace like that and have my name on it and ppl looking at it ..and the attention..oh it makes me so nervous and scared..but i want to ..i think i want too..and theres the option of selling them..and i have no idea how to price a snapshot! still thinking about it...wondering..worrying..cant decide just yet..

and now im so cold i cant think straight..mommy says no to turning the heat on..and i can no longer feel my feet. im shaking to much to do aynthing

from yesterday

this came up in therapy today and im not sure yet what i think about
it..

it seems so simple to ask for persmission to remember..but from who am
i asking? why do i even have to ask..when they are supposed to be
memories. and when it came up inside it was like i watched myself just
kinda standing in front of this huge wall...trying so hard to get
around it ...running into it again and again..and its like crap all i
need to do is get around it and i cant..its like knowing where
everything is at..everything i want to know and well dont want to know
is behind the wall and i just dont know how to get to them..it gets in
the way..its so frustrating..and the more i think about it the more i
wonder if asking is even enough...

i really dont know

feeling so confused and just out of it right now..wanting to just shut down completely and not deal with anything else..tried to remember things from the past..just the little stuff and besides being really dejected that there was nothing to remember..it was just made me feel really sad..talked some about the stairs thing..but couldnt remember what the 'trouble' was...yes something happened but as to what it was exactly im not sure :(...but then we talked about houses and well i remember one..but questions came up because the one we remember there wasnt a basement but we are positive one of the houses had a basement..so it was like remembering a house and a half in the vaguest way possible..wasnt sure if we moved or not..it was really bothering me so i went and asked mommy tonight while we were out..just asked how many times we moved living in the city...4 times..we lived in four different places..2 of which there is no memory of at all..how do you forget moving 4 different times? moving is a huge deal..packing and unpacking and putting things away..4 different houses..and i remember almost nothing? why is that? i dont know..and its really upsetting..its hard to explain away something that big...forgetting one yea maybe..2 ok fine..bad memory..or to small to remember...but freaking 4 is a bit much to not be remembering ... no thats just not ok...feeling really anxious and upset...and completely lost and sad

today

feeling better about things today. still just kinda processing it all and overall things are back to where they usually are between us..and i think she is waiting for me to bring it back up but since im not sure yet just what to say about it i havent said anything...and i have been thinking about it a lot trying to figure out where i stand on it..because in truth i am hurt she told because that is something that i end up having to explain..because then all the questions start..but i also know they are valid questions if you can look at a picture of me and my siblings and wonder why none of us look alike.. but I cant decide..

but yes it is better today..

and that being said today was sooooooo very unexpected in what actually happened vs what i planned to do..cas what i planned like going to the movies just didnt happen lol...and i ll going home didnt happen either...still at yvonnes house go figure ;) but it was a big deal because today i was supposed to go home to do stuff before mommy got there but she got home early last night and i saw no point in going home and being stuck there for the rest of the day...so instead i agreed to go to the state fair..and it turned out to be a lot of fun. i didnt ride any of the rides but i did win a huge huge hello kitty! and had ice cream with sprinkles and a funnel cake cas those are like the only reason i go to any type of fair lol..and yvonne bought me a really pretty glass snowflake ( that has been named snowie..seriously) and its hanging up in my car :) and it is really pretty...and i got 2 wooden roses a purple one and a blue one..and really wanted to go back and get like a few more but i was starting to feel really freaked out from how crowded it was and all the ppl there..and i looked at the flowers and the gardens and all the booths..and played the games ..thats how i won the hello kitty..the first game i played and i won ! it was pretty awesome and exciting..and i was really worried about going and being ok because well its the state fair its huge and today was the last day so it was really crowded..and traffic was horrible! but it was helpful being there with yvonne and it really was fun...i walked in and saw all the booths and all the different foods and it was like i want everything! so settled on ice cream first lol..and ran around town for a bit when i left there..and it got to be to late for me to drive home tonight and talked to mommy to let her know and she did her usual thing and i guess shes mad ive been gone all i weekend.. i dont know..but im not sorry i stayed..im really not..and yea its going to bite horribly that ill have to drive home in the morning but it will be ok..better than falling asleep driving tonight! so now i am feeling more settled..still having really not ok thoughts about stuff that happened in the past and its hard to deal with..but its better today i think..

long long day

i wonder if picking at scabs counts as si...i notice sometimes we are doing that a bit more than usual..picking at the legs or fingers when feeling nervous..dont know..i dont think im going for the pain factor because its not huge..but well i dont know..just picking at stuff..nothing big or anything and i think im just talking in circles right now.. head is all over the place and i dont know its been one of those days where things just kinda happened..came to help out yvonne and take her to go and get her car..which i didnt really mind you know..i wasnt doing anything else and it would have been something to keep me busy..but that turned into sitting at the car dealership for almost 8 hours...and i think it was just the combination of everything that slowly kinda led to us just starting to freak out about everything..not feeling well and being stuck in one place all day..and couldnt leave because would have felt majorly guilty about it...she got a car that she isnt great at driving yet ( a manual) and i dont understand why she did it when she is having so much trouble with it and getting so frustrated with it..and its stalling in traffic and what not and she gets agitated and starts yelling which in turns puts me on edge..and i mean yea its a pain a huge pain learning to drive stick and that i understand but i guess being stuck doing it at the end of a long long long day just made it worse and im sure it will be better once she gets the hang of it..but then teaching me to drive her car is next on the list and thats not gonna go over so well because i tried it today a couple times and seriously freaked and just stalled the car completely..and i dont know..blah its been a hard day..keep drifting off and thinking about so much stuff..getting hard to distinguish whats past and whats present..and found out that r friend shared something with her roommate that she promised not to share..and it was really surprising and hurtful ..and she apoligzed because it was brought up by her roommate and my first reaction was just crap why did you do that...its upsetting and hurts because i keep thinking that if mommy ever found out i told then you know more trouble for me to deal with..but i can understand it was an accident and im not sure if im upset or just disappointed about it all..and she has been saying sorry about it all night and trying to let me know that she is really sorry and im not making it easy for her at all..im not trying to be mean but i havent managed to catch up in my head all thats going on..and what she told was about family stuff and its like thats what we were talking about in therapy this week and that makes it even harder to process and deal with...so i dont know what to do..i dont want to talk about it and havent said much to her about it but i know it will have to be resolved at some point..because otherwise it will just turn into this huge deal.. but i dont know..part of me just wants her to be upset and feel bad about it be cause she broke the promise..and that really does make me feel bad..and im doing a whole lot of feeling bad today..really big urge to just get away from it all..i dont want to be inside but its dark outside so i dont want to be outside but i do ... and she also mentioned how i deal with being frustrated and how i dont yell and curse and what not..and she was comparing herself to me and it was not ok at all that she did that because then i felt like a hyprocrite..because shes telling me how well i deal with being frustrated and i just sat there and listened and kept thinking crap its all just a big lie..and if she really knew what was behind all the scars she has seen she wouldnt say that at all about me..and i didnt say anything at all..

lost in my head

...a ramble...

talked about family a lot in therapy today..and talking about it makes me realize just how much i dont know about it..i grew up with all of these people and dont remember then...we counted today..at times there were up to 11 or 12 ppl living in the house at a time..and i dont remember..how can i not remember..i couldnt even describe the first house we lived in..i knew nothing about it..what color it was or how many floors there were, or bedrooms or anything..i didnt remember..i lived there for 8 years and couldnt recall anything about it..after i left her i remembered the basement and something that got me in a lot of trouble..but that was after i left..i didnt remember moving to nc..but we did .. i know they added on to the house because we needed more bedrooms..i remember ppl coming and going..stay out of mommys way when she was at home..and its just that it makes me feel nothing to think about it..i cant imagine being an only child..if you put a toy down there was always someone there to pick it up and take it..everything was shared..nothing was really truly your own in a way..there were a lot of us but for some reason it was never crowded..you had your space in some aspects...none of the doors locked..none of the doors lock now cept the ones that go out..the bedroom doors dont lock..the bathrooms ddont lock..nothing locks..always check for locks..always need to see the door...

nevermind

today

(from this morning)
not really been feeling good lately...think its just a cold..or the starting of one..took meds last night and felt a little better cas couldnt sleep..but headache is back again and its so cold in the house becasue mommy said its to early to turn the heat one..and no one keeps socks on..and yea just feeling kinda miserable right now..( and for the record..no running out to the car with no shoes on when its freezing outside is not a good idea!!)

debating going to work..actually the way things are moving right now i really am going to be late but just not feeling good..need to stop by the store and pick something up..the correct meds for what ever it is i have..

had a weird half dream last night because i swear i wasnt sleep..but i was seeing it anyway..and t asked if i would start writing them down..so guess i will.although just thinking about it, it seems so easy to kinda read into but im not sure im liking what i think about it...but anyway here it is

i was going to pick up this cup ( i think it was a cup..) a coffee cup kinda cas there was a design of some sort on it..and as i was getting it, it just broke apart..and i was upset but then it was like ok the pieces are really big it can be put back together..and i went to get the pieces and was picking them up and they all broke into even smaller pieces..and that was even more upsetting..because i didnt know why it kept breaking..but they were still fixable..so i go and pick them up again..only they break again..and so on until i cant pick them up anymore..its all dust and it cant be fixed anymore...


dont know if there was anything after that...

i already know what i think about it but if anyone else has any ideas/insights feel free to share.

dusti is being funny and wanting to sleep on my back at night..so now its rather fun to just move around and she how long it takes her to get off! cas she will stand up and kinda wait for me to stop moving around and then lay back down..or grab onto the blanket until i stop moving but not get off lol..i actually had to get up before she really moveed!

hmmm but guess i better get going.

(and later)
was thinking on the way to work..not good i know lol..but someone was reminding me of what happened the first time we worked away from home for the summer..and how much we were able to be ourselves in the middle of being so far out of our comfort zone..but in the program i was working at we had to make daily goals..and actually work on them throughout the day..and most days we made really meaningless goals..but some days we made good ones about learning a new skill and stuff and would actually go and work at it..and when we were on the staff hike..yes 4 long miserable ( ok maybe not so miserable ) days in the woods..and accomplished all this stuff we set out to no matter how small it was you know..and the supervisor and other staff would just kinda tell me how proud they were that i was able to set a goal and actually work towards completing it..not giving up...they told me they were proud of me and then i was like the person who always did what she said she was going to do..heck somewhere in my head i can still make a campfire..i dont like doing it and will prolly never need the skill again but i learned how to do it..if i had to i could do it and not burn anything down in the process lol..cant believe i had forgotten that..that was one of the best times ever...even with all the stress involved working with the kids..it was still a really big deal you know...maybe all i need is a push in the right direction..and someone telling me that i really am doing it even if i dont think i am..

just a ramble

(and now)
feeling a huge urge to write today. i dont know what about but its like something is just going back and forth in my head and i dont know how to put words to it. really am missing my paint and things that are in storage and we can not get too. writing helps but something more hands on would be helpful too..mommy is going out of town this weekend and i cant say that im not happy about it. i would be happier if the nephew was gone too but thats just a whole nother issue all by itsself..maybe feeling a little nervous about t tomorrow..hmm yea not a huge deal or anything but just a nervousness that always surrounding going to see her..

went and voted today...glad that is over and done with!..one less thing to worry about..leaving work in a little bit and maybe just going home is a better idea...maybe read or just chill out a bit...been a long long day!!!

update of sorts

i realize i havent been writing here all that much..last week sucked and i didnt really want to write a lot anywhere..didnt do much but show up to work last week and well therapy..this week is a bit better..head not feeling so fuzzy and so i guess thats improvement.. im a slacker and still majorly behind on my paperwork and turning it in..to the point of messing with my paychecks now..thats lovely...my fault for not doing it ..but im just not interested in it anymore and thats bad..very very bad because if i dont do it then i dont get paid and thats not even enough to motivate me anymore..crap..depression has some part in it too..not wanting to do anything and just wanting to stay in bed and not even go to work in the first place..being at home is just getting harder and harder to deal with..and im looking for a new job i am but right now its not going so fast because im sick of looking and its a pain and its just more stress..and i start to freak out about everything when i start looking...but i know ill have too..even if i means giving up the cls i work with now..even if they dont want me to leave..if i cant keep up with my bills then its not ok..and i cant lol..so its not really ok..and its hard this month but next month is going to suck even more money wise..at least gas prices are going down..thats helpful...

yesterday i freaked out before therapy and seriously went to hide in the bathroom..questioned how long i could stay in there before anyone came to look for me..stinks that the doors are locked in the first place..creepy too..but eventually i made myself get out of the bathroom..but later on in the day i realized that i freaked out but didnt think of cutting at all..tried to remember what happened and what i was thinking about and it was mostly just me telling myself to calm down and being annoyed that i picked right then to freak out..but i didnt consider cutting..i dont know why..i dont even know how i managed to not do it..but i did..its slightly disbelieving you know..ive gone through so many different ranges of cutting and now even though i do have an entire pack of new razors ..the best ones no less..i still havent used them..havent even looked them..cas if i do ill remember that i really do want them and not be able to talk myself out of it..and yea there are still lots of times when i want them so very much and would do almost anything to have it but then the stupid little nagging voice reminds me that i have to call linda ..and i hate talking on the phone and well admitting that something is wrong..because its never just oh i want to cut and thats it...no its a long and drawn out process that i try hard not to think about.. and i also keep telling myself that its a choice..i remind myself of that a lot throughout the day now..its a choice and i have to make it good or bad..i have to remind myself that i dont have to cut..i want to ..id give up breathing some days to have it..but still the underlying thought is that i dont have too..crap linda has told me that so many times im actually remembering it..major crap..

lovely

therapy is staying at twice a week for now

a lot has been going on

ok ill pay attention to this now and actually write something..

things have been really bad to put it nicely..last week went so far beyond sucking i have no idea what to call it..therapy was tuesday..by thursday i was completely suicidal and not ok and stressed and overwhlemed and ended up calling her just to talk a bit..because i wanted to really really cut...talked to her and then was ok a bit..she called me back later that night to check on me and we talked for a few minutes and i was ok again...and the next day i woke up suicidal..i didnt want to cut at all i just wanted to go away..and i was to the point of being ready to call her just to say goodbye and that i was sorry..somehow managed to call her and we talked for like 20 or so minutes..and i was better but no where near being ok ..but there wasnt much we could do about it becuase i was going out of town with everyone and couldnt get in to see her at all before we left..so that wasnt going to happen..and talking would just have to be enough...but its pretty much coming down to that its going to be hospital or meds..if i cant get mysellf back under control..im not going into the hospital unless ive already tried to kill myself and im not going to just let someone else try to make me go..thats one thing i will just not be ok with..which really only leaves meds or well just meds i guess..a mix of meds and therapy..yea i cant wait..i dont really want meds either and if i cant afford them then it wont be happening anyway..but ill consider them...

but last week just sucked becuase i was already on edge from therapy and then work issues popped up, and then all the added stress from going out of town and mommy..and then i found out i didnt get the job i interviewed for..so all of it just happened at once and i couldnt calm down..i couldnt even think a full thought anymore by the time thursday can around and i didnt want to deal with anyone at all..and it was just bad..and so not ok..i guess im better now..i think..some of the stress is off..the weekend is over and i managed to do it without cutting..still dont know how that happened..i really dont..because it was me, yvonne, mommy, nia and rob in atl for henrys game..they played good but lost..and mommy was up to her usual stuff and told yvonne that i was to mean and selfish to ever get married..thats a real nice comment and i was freaking sitting right there..who would say something like that?? and then expect it to be agreed with..and i think it pissed her off that yvonne didnt agree with her..mommy also told me that she wanted to make me mad because then she knew i wouldnt say anything to her..she said i ask to many questions and wont just do what im told..yep life is just going great at home..and im so very thrilled that i moved back...but i didnt want to go in the first place..but it was better asking and having yvonne there..except that i had so much on my mind that i just kinda was there but i wasnt.. i talked when i had to and when my head felt clear but for the most part i stayed quiet..let everyone talk around me..i just kinda disappeared into the background...i was the outsider..i wasnt really completely included..i was just the afterthought..sucky spot to be in..but in a way i was just so set on pushing everyone away..so set on being by myself and no one understanding at all..so i didnt talk..i couldnt..im still so stuck on making sure its all hidden..of just i dont know ..struggling with it all..but in the end i did tell yvonne a little bit of what was going on..what my options were becoming...its like 1 in the morning and well we had both been drinking..but talked all the same..she did more of the talking but i listened and responded occasionally with actual words..and the night before that..all four us us went drinking and then out to breakfast at like 3 in the morning..after we got to the hotel and mommy went to bed..and that really was fun and im glad we did it..i never want to drive like that again..but because i was such a good driver and used the speed limits as afterthoughts when passing cops we shortened that 8 hr drive into like6 and a half..with stops and everything too ! but no im sick of looking at the inside of my car now..no more trips out of town..for a while..not in my car with that many ppl..

i feel like a failure about the job..i want to give up looking but i also know that ill kill myself if im stuck at home for much longer and then i just dont know..because yvonne is moving to va after dec..thats farther away than just a couple hour drive..what will happen..i dont really care to move to richmond at all..but theres not much holding me here either..just therapy really..if i move ill stop again..and then how long will it take to get me to go back? will i go back to all my old stuff? i dont know..if i dont have another job by then maybe i will consider moving with her...dont know..

and after talking it over with my therapist..i decided not to make any big changes right now with my job...because it really was just adding to the stress of everything..and yes my cl lost hours and im now being paid less but its work..its a job and i will still get paid..and i didnt want to let him go yet..but cant decide..but now i know that when i do leave him it will be really really hard..because i freaked big time when i found out about his hours..aand then being given the option to keep him or not work with him anymore..that was just so hard..my concept of time is really screwed because i get started with something and then i let myself think it will stay that way..that it will just never chagne and i wont have anything to worry about ..that ill be ok and fine and safe with whatever it is..and then something happens and its like no it doesnt work like that..time keeps moving..things have to change and i just have a melt down becuase i cant wrap my head around why things have to change and cant stay the way i want them too..makes it much harder to deal with and get past..

so besides just feeling completely on edge and sad..and drained..im just back to walking a very thin line between being ok and not ok...like all it will take is just one more thing and ill be pushed back into suicidal zone..still really feeling the urge to just go away but i dont know exactly what type of going away i mean or want..

didnt turn in my paperwork either..for last week..so im falling behind more and more again..but last night i felt like crap and just wanted to sleep for a while..so i did..but at the cost of not completeing it..so i have a goal to have it all turned in by tomorrow..i hope..

very sad

t was today..how is it that on days when i have therapy it always feels like i need her more...it takes me most of my time to get comfortable being there and then by the time i am comfortable its time to leave again *sigh* ...thats why therapy takes so long..its only an hour when i feel like i need like 5 hours to get anything at all resolved..im not even sure what i want to talk about most of the time...i did avoid what i had written though and it helped that she hadnt finished reading it all yet..but i was so scared before i went..like almost not wanting to show up scared..but i left her feeling ok..i think..nothing majorly going on..just a lot of talking about cutting and reactions and things..the usual stuff that i try hard to manage..but now im feeling so so so sad..at work but want to cry so much..want to hide..or disappear or just run away and not deal with any of it...because i found out today that i may have to give up my cl..well one of them..that one ive had the longest..and its so hard and i dont know what to do..if i get a job i would have had to leave him anyway...but i dont have another job yet and i think a part of me just really wasnt thinking i would ever get another job and that i would be working with him for forever..but now im not so sure..i dont want to let him go..and i know his sister and his niece and nephew and all of them are going to take it really hard..but if im not making enough money then its not helping me either..:( i didnt think i would have to do this at all..not now..not ever..dont know how i would change jobs then :( but i keep losing hours...i keep losing money..and its just getting hard or going to get harder to keep up with bills right when im starting to catch up again...i dont want to be realistic or logical about it..i want to just sit somewhere and cry because its so hard and i know i have to make the choice because it would be helpful if i was there to help train a new person kinda..but i dont want someone else taking my job..its mine mine mine..now i claim ownership?!?! i dont know...feeling so confused right now..like a steady downhill spiral..and the more i think about it all the more it makes me sad and upset and then i think about cutting or something else and i dont want that either..but all that i can think of after that is calling t again and i dont want to do that because i swear i just saw her like a few hours ago..i cant break down in like 5 hours..good grief whats wrong with me

since ive thought of nothing else

it is all about choice...you chose to live or die. i chose what i do with my day, i dont have to go to work but i do. i don't have to eat to much junk food but i do. the problem is i normally do it because im not thinking about it. i don't want to really think about it so i don't and i just do things because they are expected of me, because its what im supposed to do. i dont want to do that anymore. all i keep thinking is that i have a choice. i can make my own choices, i need to make my own choices and im not doing it. soon i guess if i keep going this way then i wont be allowed to make any choices anymore. they will all be taken away from me because i cant decide. its my choice thats it.

making a choice

why is it so hard for me to decide to change, to be ok, to live..why does it produce so much fear and indecision .. i feel so stuck in it and t is trying so hard to just keep reminding me that its my choice but im so afraid ill make the wrong one ..everything in me knows it was wrong.the childhood years that no one can remember..but admitting it is something so different...yes i know it but someone else knowing makes it seem worse and real and not at all ok all at the same time

i dont know what im doing ..i didnt think making the choice to be ok would be this hard or so confusing

my 1000th post!!!!

so figured i make it pictures !!

so theres my lovely cake that i completely cut the middle out of!

me and yvonne at the beach..bright and early

annnnnnnnnnd sand drawings ..yvonne has a sword..i have uh money i do believe :)

when does it become okay..

It bothers me immensely when mommy uses the " i haven't been that bad a parent line" in a way to get something she wants from me. Who does that? If I am able to work and pay bills without having to borrow money then I do not find it important or any of her business at all for her to to expect me to tell her about my life, or who I talk to, or what I am doing if it is not directly related to her. why should she get mad at me for not wanting to tell her anything. She never wanted to know before? No I am not trying to keep secrets as she put it, but if I said I got a gift in the mail and left it at that, then why does she need to question what it was, or who it was from? It makes me think she is getting ready to ask why anyone would send me anything at all, why do I suddenly have a couple friends now and none before. No I don't invite anyone to come to our house, outside of our friend from school and i knew yvonne for almost 4 years before ever inviting her to actually come to our house anyway. I'm sorry that I do not feel comfortable asking anyone to come home because there is always the chance that she will start yelling about something while company is there because she doesn't care. shes done it before anyway, doesnt matter who is there at all. This morning she voiced her problems with the fact that yvonne came a couple weekends ago but didn't make the bed up in the room correctly. Why would I invite anyone to have to deal with that? yvonne came with the guidelines that she could stay for as long as she could deal with mommy. I don't see how anything is going to happen to us now, that hasn't already happened and I am not really sure what it is mommy thinks I'm going to be doing or have done. It is always the same thing, I say I have to go to the store, then she wants to know why, and what I am buying. If I say I am going out, then she wants to know where I am going and why I have to go. I really dont understand it.

when is ok to say she has crossed the line? when is it ok to know that i dont have to tell her anything that i dont want too..because once she starts questioning then i start making stuff up...like when she was asking about going to henrys game..and i told her i had plans..i couldnt say i didnt want to go because then she would want to know why..she would want to know if i was depressed or something..she would tell me i was being selfish for not going..and it would go on and on and on because i do not feel she is asking because she wants to know. she is asking because she wants to be nosy, because she expects me to tell her every little thing and when i dont then im the one keeping secrets and being mean...i dont know...maybe it is keeping secrets..but its not really because its more of that i just dont want to talk about my life..i dont want to have to explain every single little thing i do. i dont like being questioned and then pressured into answering..because i guess thats how it always happens..i wouldnt talk..so then it became a lot of questioning and demanding and yea that made me want to talk so much more..i dont know why i didnt..i dont know why i dont like talking now..with mommy the less i say the better because then she will just turn it all around or use it against me..until i question what it was i said to start off with..theres no point in saying anything at all..because she doesnt even want to know until its something thats none of her business..why is it so important for her to know how much money i have..or when im getting paid..or who is sending me mail? i dont do anything ..am i over reacting? questioning to much about it all?

i dont know