hmmm

my thoughts have been getting away from me a bit lately...thinking about so much stuff and hating that well therapy had to be moved to friday..how am i going to make it to friday!! but then i find it funny that i will have to go back on tuesday and its like well gee things dont really have time to get bad before i have to go back! but now that ive gotten past the fact that i need to go and actually show up..come the thoughts of whether or not i really need to go...because some days im ok and then i think i dont need to go because everything is fine ..and then there are some days when i can barely manage to care enough to keep myself alive and then its like ok fine ill go..makes no sense because you would think that i would be able to just know and stick with one thing..but no i have to go back and forth on it all..and it sucks even more because its become almost a daily thing..

and no i havent been cutting..the thoughts on it have gotten much easier to deal with..and now i think my anger and unrest about not doing it is just leading to some incredibly misplaced anger issues..because it makes no sense to be mad at t when i know shes not going to be mad at me or hit me for anything..but its just that i know i have the list of distractions..i know im supposed to use it for the most part..but what i didnt factor into the whole lovely equation of my life is that a lot of the time i juts flat out dont want to use it..like i dont car eat all and i dont want to look at the big picture or what will happen later..i want my escape and i cant have it and that is just really upsetting..but then i go and refuse to acknowledge..ok maybe not refuse to acknowledge it but just kinda ignore it i guess..and i can get away with all of it except the one little part that says call linda..what in the heck was i thinking when i agreed to that one?? because i didnt realize obviously that suddenly what she says would be important you know...and its really knowing that i have to call and dont want to call that stops me from cutting..for the most part..because if i really did want to give in i know in the end i would call..but until it gets that bad its just a way to put it off..maybe thats a good thing..maybe its not..i dont know..but right its juts a pain because its stopping me from having what i want..and so i dont know what to do with my anger over the whole thing and so i just kinda direct it at her...dont know why i dont direct it at myself though..i dont think it would make any sense to do that in this situation..im already mad at myself for not giving in..yea my funny little loyalty streak comes up just when i dont need it too...because i care enough about what linda thinks to not want to own up to the fact that ive cut..so i wont do it..because if i did and told her then that would mean talking about it and i dont want to talk about it or think about it or wonder why in the heck i want it so much..no that would be bad..so instead i just ignore it all and just stay mad about the whole thing..it doesnt make sense anymore..and it should.i want it to and it doesnt..and i hate that it doesnt because that means something is wrong and i dont want anything to be wrong..but it is and i know it but am making the choice to ignore it and that doesnt make it go away either..i hate not being ok..i hate not feeling ok..i hate not being able to control my moods..because if im ok one minute theres no reason at all to not be ok the next minute..i shouldnt be going from fine to suicidal in an hour of doing absolutely nothing..

so in my warped little mind..that im constantly trying to get out of and havent managed to accomplish just yet..which is another pain in the butt..because no i dont happen to enjoy what i think about most of the time..most of the time is just a million things to worry about..but once i start up the i hate yous..my head becomes a place that i really dont want to be in..ok so im going to take a vacation from my mind..ill be back next year..dont make me do anything stupid thanks! -sigh- things are just hard..because i want to be ok and its like its taking to long to get there..i have days..hours..when i really am ok..and then i have days and weeks where all i think about is ways to die or crashing my car..or cutting and burning..and where to hide it..long well thought out plans at times..where do i get some of the stuff thats in my head? where does it come from exactly? because ive managed to turn every single thing around and the rest of it i just cant remember..so its not exactly as if i trust my memory..and that bothers me the most as usual..i dont understand how i managed to forget so much..i dont know why..im not sure i really want to know why but i know that if i dont figure it out then ill be wondering about it for the rest of my life..and that makes me feel miserable and sad...how can i forget my life? i live it..i have lived it..ive done a million different things and its like nothing is there anymore..i understand that its normal to forget some things..that your not going to be able to recall you know the day you were born..but i guess its hard to wrap my head aaround the fact that so much is gone..its not like im 50 and have that many years to deal with remembering..i cant even seem to remember my meager 25..ok 24..its not fair..because yea i did pay just a bit of attention in classes in college..and even though i dont like to admit just how much i do know about some things doesnt mean im completely clueless either..but why trust what i think? because if i just went and said something bad happened then what will that give me? just a bunch more questions that i dont have answers for..things i dont want to think about because its like if i try i cant focus anymore..and it makes me so anxious and scared because yea well something happened but i dont know what it was exactly..and that just makes me feel crazier than usual..why cant it just be simple and easy and just everything just kinda becomes my fault..because i was bad..and that one has an even simpler answer.. because duh it wasnt your fault..no matter how many ways you try to explain it to yourself or anyone else ..you dont completely forget that it really wasnt your fault..your to quiet to be that bad..anyone who know you can tell you that..funny thing is..i wouldnt look at anyone as a kid either..because there was a video tape of all of us as kids..i guess i was 6 or 7 i dont know..but i was reading a book..upside down..but never once looked up..so i guess it makes me sense you know to stop trying to hard..to stop hiding..and i say that today because it just so tiring and confusing and depressing..and because i might as well write this down while im thinking about it and feeling slightly ok..

but im sick of thinking for the day

job interview and what not

feeling really tired and hazy lol..im down to describing myself as weather ..but had to get some paperwork done so made myself get up and fought the urge to just not care and not turn any of it in yet again..so managed to get most of it done..even the stupid ones i had to redo that i had been holding on to forever..so now im down to being late on just two sets that are due this week anyway..that i will have to finish tonight because im just sick of looking at it all..that was my motivation..im sick to death of writing them and rewriting them..and feeling overwhelmed for not writing them..cant seem to do them ahead of time because i need to know the deadline is coming in order to even put effort into dong them...it stinks cas its like as soon as i catch up its time to start on the next set..and looking at it all is just.. ugh ..i say i did a crappy job on them all..but i dont know..i dont want to have to do them over again you know..but im turning them in..at least thats something..

and starting to feel nervous about the interview..but it was made a bit worse because mommy decided i needed to have a suit..and i dont like suits at all..i was assuming nice pants and blouse or dressy shirt is good..but thats just not good enough..so mommy tells me that she is getting some new stuff for me to try on..well none of them fit comfortably..so had to go shopping at like 8 last night for something i never wanted in the first place..kinda sucks though because i realize that all my clothes from a couple years ago no longer fit.. yea i was hoping to never have to go back into the real world of work but now that its like in the process of happening its like crap..so now mommy is back to mentioning what i should and shouldnt eat..im questioning what i do and dont eat..and it is rather depressing ..cas yea i knew i had been gaining pretty steadily i guess..and just didnt care most of the time..until something happens and its like fine pay attention to what your eating..just feeling a bit down about it all i guess...will have to go through all the clothes now and take out what cant be worn anymore..


-later in the day -

well the interview is over...i swear that all the stress for like a 20 min interview baffles me...but oh well..its over and done with..and i think i did a good job..i have to admit i did better with this interview than the other one if i was going to compare them..but it was two people interviewing me..and i stayed focused for almost all of it...talked a lot more than usual but i really was trying to make sure i answered them the best i could..and got a really nervous about halfway through and had to pull myself together..but it wasnt so bad i dont think...said they would be making there decision later in the week..so im hoping really really big that i did a good enough job to get the job..



was invited to this dinner cruise thing with my job...all the ppl that work there and then us early intervention ppl are invited now smile.gif it was nice..a really nice offer..and if i didnt get horribly seasick i would consider it too..but being on a boat with coworkers and being expected to eat when all i want to do is get back on dry land is prolly not gonna be a good experience .. funny to think about now because im not actually on a boat..but good grief a ferry ride left me feeling so horribly im not looking forward to ever getting on a boat of any type again..and the seasickness meds stuff doesnt work for me..go figure!

anxious

feeling really anxious right now...of course im not at home and that makes it a bit harder to just kinda sit it out..you would think that not being at home would make it easier.but no.. tried deep breathing..telling myself to calm down and chill out..talked some about what is bothering me..but prolly not enough since its still bothering me! ugh..messed around with this..the layout and stuff..put the kids to bed and now im just listening to myself think and hoping that dee and them come back soon so i can leave..

....

Somewhere between the brilliant, white light of truth
and the bitter darkness of deceit,
is a place where many of us live our lives...
in the shadows.

things are changing..

i noticed today that it has been 47 days since the last time i cut and i saw that and wanted to cry..i dont know why my reaction was that way at all..its scary looking at it and knowing that i really havent done anything to myself in that long on purpose..but i also look at it and wonder when ill fail at it and cut and then have to start all over again ..and ruin it..i think the longest ive gone without doing it is 3 months or something..cant really remember but i know that i have gone for a while and then something happens and its like yes a reason to cut..and thats pretty much all its takes to remember how much i miss it..one simple little cut and everything is ok again..but then its like i just failed again at something else..which sucks because currently i feel ok..not happy..not even overly excited about anything at all..just ok i guess..not to stressed..more thoughtful than anything else i think..and its like its not enough..but i dont know why..

yea things are changing and its not sometimes i think im completely ok with...its like i guess ive just been stuck trying to wrap my head around choices and no choices and not wanting to make choices and things just sucking royally..and being ok and then not ok and wondering if crashing my car was a good idea or not..the usual stuff times about 50..but now i think my head is starting to calm down..and that worries me too..and it shouldnt but it does..ive gotten so used to my head constantly going on about something..always thinking..worrying..stressing..a million thoughts flying through my head and it never stopped..and now its slowing down..now i have to stop and think just a little bit more about things because of being back in therapy..guess in some ways it is really tiring to constantly have something on my mind and being unable to talk about it..hmm maybe that is what the change is..i know i can talk about it..doesnt mean i will..but the option is there...and its been a good long while since ive had that option..also bites to have to come to realize that getting out of therapy isnt something that is going to happen over night..ok realize and actually understand that i mean..everything is a choice right..living or dying..getting up in the morning or staying in bed..doing something or not doing something..etc and so forth...theres always a different way to do something i think..and of course i get hung up on all the stuff i cant change or control and then pissed off because things suck and its more over stuff that i cant do anything about for the most part...and then the things i can do stuff about i just kinda ignore and push out of my mind bcause i dont want to have to deal with it..i dont want to have to actually try, i dont want things to actually change because that is more scary than anything else..thats like taking everything and having to turn it around until it actually makes sense .. and thats something ive never really had to do before because well i wouldnt talk or say anything..and now i have and im still surprised that the world hasnt ended..i havent died..and linda hasnt yelled at me or anything about it..doesnt help that i have trouble piecing together thoughts and sentences when im with her..but i really did do the homework that she asked me to do and i will remember to print it out and give it to her..

hmm i have to go so i can get ready to leave though..i ended up coming to see yvonne because she was having a bad day and i really wasnt doing anything else with my time yesterday since i wasnt babysitting..so i came to greenville and hung out here and so ill have to go home at some point today..well soon cas i do have to babysit later on today..and i dont know when mommy will be home..

big step...?

threw out all the razors and what not last night..the ones that were easily findable at least..im not sure if there are anymore hidden around the room at home but the bulk of them have been trashed now

did it last night and then felt really not ok but painted a picture instead of doing anything else..and made it through the night..feeling a bit better about it today.

maybe it was a good thing to do finally..

possible job interview

i got a call yesterday about it and called back and left a message..they want me to go in on tuesday and interview..and i dont know..im happy but not at the same time..if i do interview and get the job ill have to leave my cls i work with now adn that makes me feel so guilty..but i also have to realize that im just not making enough to live on right now..im not making enough to keep gas in my car or to even save up to move out and its getting harder and harder and the bills just keep coming...my job isnt very stable at all..my cls lose hours and have been losing hours since before the summer started..im getting more hours now but im also being stretched pretty far and working with 5 different cls throughout the week..i make 4 different pay rates all within one check..and yes i feel guilty about it but i know if i get the job ill have to say goodbye to my job now..because ive been working with them for almost 9 months and i havent even hit the $10000 for gross to date..cas i checked my check last night..thats not enough at all to do anything with...so guess im doing the right thing..i think..i hope..ill just have to figure out how to say goodbye to my cls when the time comes

nothing ever really works out

i knew it would come up again..all the dress issues with trying it on and not wanting too..cept mommy brought it up in a way to let me know that the next time i have a job interview i need to make sure all scars are covered up...obviously my first impression is not a good one at all..and the lady who did my dress did call mommy and asked if she knew about the scars..if it was a secret before it wouldnt have been anymore.. mommy is just worried that she will go and tell someone else...which doesnt really bother me cas my first thought was fine i dont know to many ppl anyway..but after that came great now mommy has something else to yell at me about and if it gets back to her then things just wont be good.. do i need to wear a sign that says ive screwed up? would that make it better? just not feeling ok about things right now..

shut down mode

at work but zoning out a bit and well that makes it a little hard to work..but once again my cl is entertaining his self coloring and we are at the library so i have my computer and decided to get online for a little bit..

therapy was today..like clockwork..and i really didnt want to go.but i had decidded i was fine, that i didnt need to go..that things were magically better because i had a few good hours yesterday..but as usual it never lasts for long and now im starting to go off into my own little world again, where i dont really want to think about anything at all but thoughts keep getting through and i pretend not to notice them but well its kinda hard to ignore them..for some reason i got around to telling my doc that i and all of my siblings are adopted..but in saying that i always had to let her know that well thats pretty much all i know and im not supposed to know it..but bringing it up brings up other thoughts to and those are some that i dont want to think about..i dont know is an answer i give an awfully lot with her..sometimes i really dont know..and sometimes the truth is a lot more scarier and i dont want to tell her just yet..eventually i guess ill get around to letting her know but its hard..yes i have thoughts about being adopted..lots of them ..but im not sure im ready to go and actually tell what they are..piece by confused piece everything seems to just start falling apart..how come i just cant be bad..how come there has to be a reason behind it..im horrible..thats about it...but then i go and s ee her and she tells me that maybe looking at it differently will help..i dont want to..i want things to stay the same..i dont want things to change..and now that that little tantrum is out of my system.. i guess i know that things do have to change at some point..now or later..which ever..after i try to kill myself or before..well thats the way i see it anyway..i dont understand why it has to be my choice though..ok i do but i want someone to tell me anyway..geez linda has told me like 5 times..and each time i hear it and dont hear it..at some point i stop listening because i dont like what im hearing..i should work on that..

but anyway..this week i actually have homework..that i actually have to do..umm how the your not good enough stuff from mommy has affected me..and so on and so forth..forgot the rest of it..but i told her i would think about it and actually write what i thought about..guess that means ill have to pay attention to my thoughts..

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday To Me



wow..im 25..and suddenly i dont know what ive done with my life..ok ive never known what ive done with my life..but its just harder to think about it and process it all today/tonight..

my birthday has been ok..nothing thrilling..for the most part just another day..yvonne came though friday night and stayed through to today..which iam really happy for..but i just wish i could have been happier about stuff more..mostly we just hung out..we went to the beach twice..i actually got a little wet this morning..surprise surprise..and we went to the movies and saw igor..and she got me a mini sock monkey that has been named micki..we went out to dinner..and wandered around wilmington for the day..today she helped me make a cake..she decorated it..and so i went and took the piece right out of the middle..the pictures are funny..it was just ok..im glad the day is over with though...

..

starting to feel really scared and anxious about my birthday tomorrow. mostly did stuff today with yvonne becasue she came yesterday night to visit. hung out and did some things today and we are going to the beach early tomorrow morning for a little bit..but i did ok most of the day without being to foggy/drifty..but now starting to zone out and feel too many things..really worried and sad..worried about making it through tomorrow..sad that im not happier about it..its my birthday..i should feel happy right? i dont know..im happy yvonne came but had a hard morning and didnt want to really do anything..but ended up having fun..stayed present..but now as things are dying down my head is drifting again...im feeling a little stressed about it all..trying to remind myself to stay calm..that its ok..and im ok..dont know if its helping or not..but i guess ill head to bed..its been a long day and if i stay up ill just stress more about it all..

today is better

calmer today at least. it has been a really really hard week. starting talking in therapy and i mean it really was the barest of anything i could have said and it just freaked me out big time. ended up going back..and surprisingly left her feeling calmer..left and my head was quiet so that was something..not really zeroing in on anything we talked about but i did want to find that thing on cutting to give her..but now of course i dont remember where ive seen it at..rats..

now just gotta make it through my birthday

silence

i dont want to be around anyone right now. i wish i had never said anything at all to my therapist about anything that happened. and most of all i wish i hadnt promised to not cut..because in doing the contract thats how i see it..the guideline is once everytwo weeks..but if i did it then i would feel like i just failed and wouldnt want to start again..still thinking about it..have been thinking about it since yesterday after therapy..and had almost convinced myself that it would be ok to cut..becasue it would jjust stop all the thoughts..didnt think about my distractions, didnt really think about anything and most certainly didnt think about calling linda..i dont want her to talk me out of what i want..but if i did cut an d didnt call theguilt would be horrible..during therapy yesterday after talking for awhile..she told me to call if i needed to, yesterday today whenever, she told me she had extra time on friday if ineeded to come back..yes im incredbily screwed up and suicidal..and will most likely have to figure out money to go back on friday because with my birthday being sunday im not exactly sure how ok ill be..im not even sure i can make it through today..much less the rest of the week. i dont want to be here .. i dont like being stuck in my head. i dont like thinking about everything that inever ewant to think about..i regret what i started yesterday but now im not even sure it can be taken back..ive already said it..and it wasnt eeven a lot..just a little bit about being hit and it feels like the world will end..that ill be in so so much trouble..and i want to take it back i really do. but i did tell her that i would give it a couple hours before i started to fall apart..and thats why she told me to call back..and it would have been nice if it had really been a couple hours..it was more like a few minutes after leaving her and my head just went all over the pplace and i wasnt ok anymore..i had been thinking i didnt want to say anything because she wouldnt be able to handle it..but now i know that wasnt true..all along the underlying thing was whether or not i would be able to handle it ..and i cant..i cant deal with it..i am bad..and talking about it only makes it worse

hadnt considered..

maybe im trying to hard with it all and its stopping me from getting to the bottom of any of it..and until a friend brought it up i really hadnt considered it much..but maybe i am trying to hard to just be like everyone else i guess..to expect that it will all happen overnight and it will all be ok and ill just start talking about everything cas thats how its supposed to be..and thats just not how it is..thats not how i work..so maybe i have been going about it all the wrong way and pushing to hard to get better in a way and have everything fixed and ok because thats how i want it to be..patience..tolerance..acceptance..all things i really do not currently apply to myself..i want to rush and thats not doing anything but making things harder in some aspects. i dont go to work and expect my kids to master something overnight. that wouldnt be fair to them. that would be asking a heck of a lot. but i do it with myself. i expect myself to do everything, to manage everything, and thats not fair at all.
guess i have been pushing a bit hard lately..will have to work on slowing down i think. stepping back a little bit. i think that will make things a little bit easier to manage if i would just chill out a bit im told

ok anyway..umm chatted a little last night about the s/i and eating issues..and how in giving up one, replacements are trying to come back. like the s/i and purging go back and forth. cant do them both at the same time, its either one or the other. and without cutting its like yes b/p is back. and that just is not good. cant replace it with something else that will be hard to give up. no havent really addressed it but id rather it didnt get any worse. so i was thinking about eating and there is a lot of worrying about how it is scary trying to eat and for it to be healthy without resorting to ed behaviors. its so hard finding the line between whats ok and whats not ok when it comes to eating and not going overboard with it. its another foreign area, do something because its good for you not because it will turn into another way to restrict or binge because i can..and because its easy to get away with. somehow things just have to be put into perspective and that would also have to involve ignoring a lot of what the mom says about me. because yes weight is an issue but i have to deal with it not her. so it cant be about her or what she thinks and wants. i have to cut down on the snacking and junk food though, and have decided to start actually cooking again. decided to just work on eating healthier/organic without being vegetarian. suddenly feeling more concern for the earth and what not and all the green stuff coming out is pretty cool you know.



so lots to think about..and maybe i do already have something to talk to therapist about tomorrow. maybe she will be able to help me come up with some ideas about how to have more patience and slow down some things..worth a try i think

so here it is..

my life is depressing..and im not saying that in a way to ask for pity or anything..because i dont know i dont want pity..i know my life has quite a few sucky points but it has fun times too..times full of laughing and silliness and fun and safety..when things really feel like they are ok..like the world wont end right this minute and im ok. but those times never last, they always go away and im just stuck..and alone in a lot of ways..my silence traps me..cant ask for help..i cant ask to be noticed or wanted..i dont want it and i do want it..

nevermind...cant figure out the words again..

thinking

how do you do it..just talk and talk and not really be so scared and worried. i cant get past that at all..and the more i think about it and wonder the more confusing it does seem. because it looking at it i guess its easy to say im not being very helpful with therapy..and im avoiding or in so much denial it makes no sense..but im not sure thats the entire picture..it cant be..yes i avoid but it just kinda gets all weird after that ..and then i just dont know..and this is all confusing..its just hard because im just scared of all of it and worried about things changing and really having to look at it all..i dont want to do that..

i want to give up..i really do..to just stop caring..stop thinking..stop living..stop questioning it all..

hmmm

wondering why the saddness doesnt go away.

im ok but im sad
im calm but im sad
im empty but still so sad

i dont know

another day

work was wonderfully busy today for the most part..it was gross having to clean my cls room..like some really gross moments but as of now her room is all nice and neat and organized...it took all day..but its done..and my supervisor came and well supervised lol..and she sat and watched and talked to my cl and its like finally you see what i say when its like seriously we do chores all day long! but it was ok..another tiring day at work...

it took some time to get up and moving this morning..i almost didnt want to go to work..almost showed up later as usual cas i didnt want to get out of bed again..

feeling kinda fuzzy again today ..so not much to talk about..

disappointed..struggling

feeling really disappointed..sad..angry..i dont know..its just so hard..maybe i cant be helped..maybe its not worth it to keep trying if i cant do it..i hate this..i go every single week..and its like its not enough to break through...everything is forgotten as soon as i sit down and start to get nervous cas i dont know what to say..i dont know what im doing..i want to give up..screw it..i dont want to try any more..


but then i wonder how long it will take before suicide starts looking better and better...maybe therapy is all that keeps me from going and actually doing it i dont know..like there is some line that has been drawn dealing with the T and i wont cross it..doesnt matter how bad it is..it just cant be crossed..big fear in doing that..because somewhere in all the thoughts today i kinda realized that there is an ultimate goal..and it comes up every so often and then goes away again..but its just for the longest time..dying..somehow it always goes to that i guess..underneath everything the want of escaping is to much...i dont know

fighting the urge to cut..trying still at least..

wow

feeling really tired today..want to go to bed but trying to stay awake because its still so early! have been up since like 5 or so because of having to finish stuff for work and then work was really tiring today..i was at my wits end with my cl today..and i was so agitated when i left her house..but yea guess its all catching up with me now...trying to get all the paper work done that ineed to turn in tomorrow and i will have caught up! finally !! i vow to work harder at keeping up with paperwork! gosh it bites getting behind in it..cas theres always so much to write about...but besides that..i have felt ok today..just coasting along...

tomorrow will make one month with no cutting..it is a little shocking!! but i think the proudness is starting to set in just a little bit. it is a big deal..i think..i hope..

and i also realized today that well .. i dont see therapy as the end of the world anymore..still get queasy when i have to go..but overall its not so bad...

just wow right now

hmm

well now that im actually considering writing ..i dont know what i want to say anymore..

having a hard day..pretty much..mommy is back home now and so things are back to usual i guess..was looking for more jobs so i can put out more applications..need to move..but not going to get into that..

finally decided that im going to take a trip to myrtle beach but im going to do it the weekend after my birthday..and i told mommy that i was going to go with yvonne because well if i just said i was going alone it would be a big big biiiiiiiiiiiiiig deal..so ill just have to remember to let yvonne know not to mention that she wasnt there..just a couple days to myself ...and i would go to ashevillle but thats a 6 hour drive and im not sure i can afford gas for that...so myrtle beach it is..hopefully i get to go..and can manage to get the money together for the hotel and everything..

maybe after i get a new job and everything i can plan a trip somewhere..maybe colorado! ha could be fun ..maybe oregon to see erika..dont know..but a really nice trip somewhere none the less.

feeling gross

today has been one of those eat everything in sight type days..every time i turn around i want something else to snack on ugh..i know its cause im bored and nothing is keeping my attention..

but the storm has passed and the weather is good and its such an annoyance..slept through most of it last night..did something not so good inorder to sleep through it last night..its not that i take the wrong meds often or anything..but the anxiety was killer last night so i borrowed meds..that well obviously i cant go and put back..but its over and done with and im alright..

hurricanes..and what not

im waiting for hanna to hit...have been waiting since yesterday and the more i wait the more stressed and anxious i feel..the waiting is driving me insane...making me feel all paranoid... it seems like its just taking forever thoughts are starting to go all over the place and now we are at home alone until tomorrow night sometime and its not that i feel unsafe..its just the anxiety is becoming overwhelming..the anxiety makes me want to cut..so just trying to keep it together..no need to make mommy think i cant even be trusted home alone..not cool..

think im going to go and try to sleep..dont feel like writing anymore

withdrawl and other things

i promise to never ever ever say anything at all about a person going through withdrawl from anything...it feels like im going through withdrawl..it feels like i want to just claw at my skin because i want release..and cant have it..wont let myself have it..thoughts of cutting just invade my head ..i want to yell or scream or cry..something..anything..i want the calmness..the escape..the relief..had therapy today ...wasnt pleased because i did call her in the end yesterday..didnt cut..freaked big time but didnt cut.and she got back to me last night while i was still up and we talked...and so she kinda knew i wasnt ok when i saw her today..we talked about lots of different things and i zoned out during some of it..but we talked a bit about cutting and how im getting frustrated with all of it because it makes me uncomfortable to have to deal with all of it without my usual means of escape..and i think that and want to just throw a tantrum..i hate that its true..i hate that i cant seem to escape myself anymore..i hate that i b/p the other day and now my chest hurts when i breathe to deeply..but thats something else entirely..its just hard..everything now..but she did congratulate me on making it through yesterday..and i told her i was more mad at myself than pleased that i had made it without cutting..but then we talked about other stuff and i asked her a question that she told me she didnt want to answer..have to admit that i felt rather pleased that i made her feel just a bit uncomfortable..i didnt mean to but once i knew she didnt like the question..it evened the playing field in a way..yea theres stuff i dont want to talk about and makes me uncomfortable..but its the same for her too..well not the same stuff or anything..but still..i wasnt sorry i asked.. i was disappoiinted in her answer for some odd reason though..but i did freak/shut down at the end when i asked the dumbest question in the history of questions and then never gave another straight answer..yes i know what the rules for confidentiality are..yes they have been the same for forever..and yet i asked her anyway if everything i said was confidential when duh yea it is..but she asked why i wanted to know and didnt have an answer..so i gave a really lame one..and believe me it was really lame! but she let it go and retold me all the info i already knew...and she asked if i was thinking of teling her something..and she also asked questions relating to abuse and yea my head just emptied of making complete sentences at that moment..and i really wouldnt look at her at all..like worse than my usual not looking at her..freaked when i left though..but just wrote and texted..and emailed until i left ok enough again..and then i went to work...

and now im getting ready to go and get mommy and im feeling nervous ...scared...anxious..i wish her trip had been longer..i wish i hadnt been so suicidal while she was gone and could have enjoyed it more..

not feeling very ok

i have to focus if im going to write but im not sure i even want to know what im thinking right now..i woke up wanting to die..which is a problem all by its self because its prolly not a good idea to wake up wanting to die..ok so my only thought before that was wondering where in the world dusti was hiding..but i wondered if i was dead..and then logic set in and its like well your still breathing so you arent dead..well to bad for me cas i wanted to be dead..just dont know why..just one of my lovely thoughts i try not to think about except now i cant freaking get away from them..the entire time mommy has been gone its been like seriously depressing and i dont know why..no i wasnt going to throw a party or anything but i thought it would be better..i thought i would ffeel better..and not feel so stupid or lost or confused..or angryy..thats a big one..theres no where for the anger to go..and i cant take it out of myself..and im really really regretting that i said i wanted to stop...or lessen or whatever when it comes to cutting..i really am..and the more i think about it the more angrier i get..and its like ok who gets to deal with it...and im obviously not because i dont know how and im still trying to avoid it...and then i think ok fine im mad at linda for making me agree to it..but its not even like she made me agree..my stupid idea..im really gonna have to stop thinking up ways to help myself..good grief it sucks big time..i hate it.. i really do..and then i have to wonder what in the heck it is im hating..because funny i havent cut..i figure my last and i do mean last effort is to call linda and i dont want to do that just yet..so i havent cut because i dont really want to talk about why i did it..but i want it so much...i need it..i miss it..i want it..thinking about it reall makes me want to cry.. and it shouldnt..it shouldnt be this hard..i shouldnt want it back and i do..i swear to stop again..i promise..i wonder if it would make a difference if i swear to be good...dont know when i was bad but ...

i dont know whats wrong with me today..or yesterday or the day before that either..everything suddenly got a lot harder..i want to cut but i dont want linda to be disappointed in me..i would be disappointed in me..not mad just disappointed..guess i need to know that they are different..

dont want to write anymore
nevermind all of it