weekend

havent really felt much like writing lately...not much to say i guess..my head is full of lots of stuff but i just cant find the words for all of it...i guess ive kinda come to terms about the whole cutting is an addiction thing..and it sucks but im trying to stop so i guess thats something..and right now its going ok i guess..the thoughts still come..and i try not to dwell on them to much..havent had a big big urge though so thats good..but also starting to worry some over my birthday..trying not to freak out about it..

im ok i guess..should be enjoying mommy being gone more..and im not stressed out as much but just kinda depressed in general...dont know ..but i am babysitting today so that will help some money wise..and it has kept me busy a bit

sigh

thinking about dying again...

thats all

motivation..thoughts

well my motivation is back..i want to find a job, another one, i want to move. and after that comes i need to move before i really go back to walking that fine line between ok and not ok. Its much harder now i think, holding my tongue, being good. Its to much wanting something i cant have. maybe it really is better to move and i say that and have to believe it. not just say it because it is a good idea. because its what everyone who matters tells me i need to do..no its different than that..if im not tied here them my options really do open a bit more..where do i want to go? how far would i be willing to move? do i want to go out of state and stay gone? maybe being here..being within driving distance is not good enough. i could go back to asheville and thats only 6 hours away from where i am now..is that far enough? will i still be expected to come home? to visit? to help? grad school comes up but i can go to grad school anywhere..and i think thats part of what keeps me here..i wanted to go back to ecu .. i wanted to go back to a place where i felt safe and heard in some ways..but maybe thats not a good idea..maybe looking at other states isnt such a bad idea..maybe a new place isnt a bad idea...but then id have to figure out where i wanted to go also lol..and then not freak and have a melt down when it came time to move! but i just dont know..so many wants and ideas and refusals all in the same thought..a little overwhelming...but the longer i stay home..the farther away i want to get..alaska not being a feasible option just yet..but cant hurt to look in some other states..grad school isnt for right now...that much i know..but a job and one i like it..just have to find it and get it..

mom leaves to go out of town tomorrow morning.

it would be lying to say i wasnt excited.

....

feeling quiet today.

dont want to do anything at all. would stay in bed if i could get away with it..but therapy, work and other stuff has to get done somehow..almost dont want to do to therapy...but then i never really do i guess..im disappointed that i didint get my paperwork turned in on time again this week ..i kept telling myself that i would do it over the weekend but the weekend came and went and i still hadnt done it..last night i did work on it some but i gave up when my mind started wandering and i couldnt concentrate.. i didnt want to concentrate..i didnt want to think much..worked on therapy stuff for a little bit but then started feeling sad and just stopped..went to bed but had bad dreams..and now its morning and i dont feel like doing anything at all..except well maybe crying but i wont do that either...im already ready for the weekend .. i need to turn in paperwork..i have to go to work..theres a lot i need to do..and dont want to..

hard to believe today is the two week mark..counted last night to make sure..checked for new scars to make sure i wasnt missing something..and no new ones..actually remembered the date from the last time because it was a really big issue ... wondering why i dont feel more excited about it..maybe its just the mood and it will get better after moving around more and leaving the house..but maybe im just to worried that something will happen..dont know

really?

has it really been just about two weeks without cutting? it will be two weeks on tuesday..hard to believe..

why now?

i was reading a couple days ago.one of the ellen hopkins books..and i managed the other 3 fine but for some reason reading glass just seriously messed with my head..the first part of it was so much harder to deal with..like watching someone fall back into an addiction..and some how i made the whole correlation into that cutting really is an addiction..it made me want to cry..scream..deny i have a problem..i cant be addicted to anything..i just cant be..drugs..alcohol..food..thats stuff you can be addicted too..not cutting..cutting wasn't supposed to last this long..i was supposed to stop forever ago..i was supposed to control it and some how through all the years i stopped trying to control it so much..i stopped questioning the right and wrong to it..and it just was for a while..it was just something to hide..something to help with the pretending..and now its not like that anymore..and it makes me frustrated..im disappointed..but really upset too..like some where something went really wrong and everything has changed..i dont like thinking im addicted..i want to say i can stop whenever i want to again but i know i cant..i know i think i need it..think being the key word there..i know i dont need it but i tell myself i do..i have to make it ok to need it, to want it..but that doesnt excuse it away either..i dont know

suddenly not ok

its so frustrating ...im ok and then im not ok ..and i cant deal with it..just feeling like i dont exist..i cant be dead be cause im still breathing and typing so duh im not dead..but it feels like i am..i dont know..hard to explain...i want to cut because i can ..because i will be remembered that im really truly alive..except i cant do that either..i hate that ive decided to seriously work on not doing it..its like i need it right now..and ill only do it once and thats it..but that wont work either..once is never enough..it never has been..why does this always happen...im guessing its just worse now because im thinking about it more in terms of not doing it..rather dejecting though..makes me wonder if ill manage ... and im supposed to be working on a contract of some sort..because i told her in not so many words that if left up to me i wouldnt make a decision one way or the other..and i would keep changing my mind..i do keep changing i mind..i want it and i dont want it..but i need it and well no i just need it..and that makes me think of whether or not i just want myself to believe i need it..and its annoying because slowly none of my usual excuses are working and it sucks..i want them to keep working and they arent not really anymore..because the more linda points out thats nothing really changes the more i have to think about it all and wonder if shes right..and i mean yea i know shes right to a point but i dont want to completely let go of my usual thoughts lies whatever either..safety becomes an issue then..because if cutting isnt going to work then what will ? and does it have to hurt? the whole you have to care about yourself is a foreign subject..i can care about other people..but i dont really care about myself..makes it easier to get away with doing stuff like cutting and what not..if i cared then i would have to know that i was hurting myself..and on purpose..and id have to find out what was behind it..and i dont want to..if i cared then i wouldnt think i deserved it or wanted it or needed it to keep myself alive..

but i was thinking yesterday before i was suddenly not ok last night..that it makes no sense anymore to wait and hope that mommy will like/love/accept me..the way i want to be accepted..and that it just sucks because with her im not good enough..never have been..but still i waited and hoped that i would figure out what i needed to do to make it better..to be happy and ok and it was all about her but not really about me..maybe ive been doing it wrong..maybe i really does have to be me..maybe i have to learn to like/accept/love myself first..and that will have to be enough..


but on another thing..i was thinking about my birthday next month..already starting to stress out about it...but i was wondering about what i wanted..and i want to do something by myself..without mommy freaking out about it...i want to go somewhere and spend the weekend alone and be ok with it..and have fun..and quiet..since ive been really really wanting to just get away again..but i dont know yet..i dont know where i would go or what i would do..or if ill even manage it..but its what i want

well gee

well that was the biggest freaking waste of my time..not rewriting any of it again


seriously downhill mood tonight..

dailup is a pain in the butt

so i finally got dailup working on the comp at home and my gosh it is the hugest pain in the butt! its so slow ugh..but its one of those free trails that ill have to cancel in a month..i mean yea im glad that its working but im so used to dsl and cable internet that having to go back to dailup is rather annoying. but yea its better than nothing

still feeling ok overall..the urge to cut is gone..its hard getting used to being ok again because it has been like month or so of not feeling ok or trusting myself to be safe and stay safe. its been hard, really hard and now its not and it leaves me feeling so confused..i dont know

but its been a slow day for me..no babysitting today and just been hanging out at home..rather boring really ..

suddenly ok

i dont know how or why but suddenly i feel ok again ..not that im really questioning it but its hard to be ok one minute and ready to die the next..i dont get it at all..


sad nia is moving tomorrow. i knew it was coming but to have mommy tell me that she really is moving makes me sad. i know shes married now and everything but i guess i never really considered she would really truly leave again..shes been waiting to leave almost as much as i have so it does make sense..but still it will take some getting used too..

work was fun today..in a big time boring kinda way..starting with a new cl and she is a talker and it is overwhellming..i almost miss the quiet monotony of my nonverbal cls! and not to mention i was told today that i may be getting someone else even because my notes are so good lol..i suck at my notes lol!! its funny..but at the same time its like ok..i can use as much work as i can get right now thats for sure..but im back up to 30 hours a week starting next week! geez its been so long lol. im not complaining but ill have to pay more attention to my notes and make sure im getting them done and turned in on time but still good about the hours. and it really was a lot of fun to go and switch out toys today!! dude it was so fun going through and looking for new books and puzzles and games and ideas for things to do..im so ready to see my kid next week just so we can use the new stuff!

but guess im off. babysitting soon!

hmm

better today
more settled after therapy yesterday.

not really ok

Sometimes I do wonder if somehow I am just so used to expecting nothing from anyone else when it comes to comfort and support. I really do wonder how it is possible to love some people but not others, or how its possible to give love to others when there seems to be none left for myself. Today has been a really bad day. My feelings got hurt and it seems so stupid because still it makes me cry and feel bad. Mommy pushed and pushed for me to get a car but she had to sign for it to and she couldnt do it yesterday, she said she would do it this morning before work. When it was time to leave this morning she wasnt ready, she was cleaning and doing other stuff. I asked her why she was doing that and not ready to go when she complained and yelled about how she was going to be late for work if she had to go and sign stuff for me. She told me I just wasnt important enough and that other things like cleaning and her job just had to come first. Guess I am not just really high on the list of important things or people who matter.

nevermind
it really doesnt matter


have to go to work. would help if could calm down a bit. maybe work will help. thoughts are all over the place right now and not many of them are to good. sucks big time that because of car stuff therapy had to be changed from today to tomorrow. cant figure out what im thinking about or what i want to/need to say..i dont want to say anything or even think for that matter..would help if the tears would stop..so much for trying not to cut. that was messed up before i even left home this morning. doesnt really matter you know. im tired of trying for no good reason

the wedding is over...the world still goes on

its funny how after something big like a wedding for a family member you realize afterwards that its not a big deal in the grand scheme of things..the world goes on..life goes on..its only important to the ones that were there... just an odd thing i was thinking this morning..im still feeling majorly worn out from the wedding and everything..and my feet hurt!!! gosh its a pain lol..being a girl is hard hard work..geez everyones feet were hurting last night ..it was funny..in a painful sorta way.

but the wedding was nice..its was pretty..i woke up really really nervous..but once i started getting dressed in the hotel with sissy and amber and ambers mom i was ok...a little edgy but nothing really bad...and then i was fine for the most part..didnt trip coming down the stairs ..didnt walk to fast..everything turned out ok for the most part..but there were a lot of little things that went on..like one of the groomsmen went home like an hour before the wedding..ppl were missing clothes and accessories..and nia needed different shoes and couldnt find her veil..and its was just lots of little things that stressed everyone out..but nia was really pretty in her dress and the colors turned out nice and it wasnt overly crowded but a lot of ppl showed up..i really cant wait to see the professional pictures...ive never had to take so many pictures ! my gosh..every time i turned around someone was snapping a camera..it was tiring though..even dee and riley and harris came..and our old dance teacher and it was cool seeing her :) and i tried hard to walk without looking at the floor..geez i think i stared right in front of me while i was walking..but my dress was nice and a lot of ppl told me i looked pretty and beautiful..and it was nice to feel pretty for a day..now im just back to being me and its like a let down you know..no i dont want to get that dressed up again anytime soon but its like im missing out on something..i dont know..but overall it was nice..once the actually wedding was going on (and it didnt last long at all!) you know i was ok and stayed calm...wanted to cut before the wedding but was ok with that too..and didnt do it..helped that i knew i could call linda if i had to or needed too..but i really was ok..didnt like all the attention or being looked at but i managed i guess..and now im glad i did do it...i wouldnt have wanted to miss it you know..



but this morning i did freak out because im missing money and i know i didnt use it but its not where i left it and no one bothered owning up to taking it..and i needed that money to pay for therapy..i was keeping it and refusing to use it because it was going to go towards therapy..and i go to get it this morning so i would have it and the money wasnt there and it really really pissed me off big time..now that money will have to come from something else and its like im short as it is for this month with everything else and ugh its so not cool..i know who i think did it but i cant just go and blame him without proof?! and where am i going to get that..i hate knowing someone has been going through my stuff you know...yea theres a chance i moved it and dont remember but i dont think i did...i wouldnt let myself spend it because i needed it because i know money would be tight this month..and now everything is just messed up..

wedding bells and such

My sisters wedding is finally here!! Well they are married but the ceremony and reception for everyone else is tomorrow. Im glad its almost done. The stress was really starting to get to me and I am not even getting married. Have decided though that if I did get married then I would do it and then come back and tell everyone. haha

Nervous about all the relatives and people hanging around. Called and chatted with the T about it yesterday because I was starting to freak out big time about a few different things. Talking to her helped and it calmed me down some. Trying hard not to cut and so calling and writing was all I had yesterday. Glad I called but it is hard admitting you know. If I call then I actually have to hold a conversation! But it helped and she was cool with it. and she called today to check on me. I wasnt expecting that at all. It was nice though.

Went to the party last night for the sister and ended up having a good time. drinking and fun and goofing off big time..stayed up half the night just to have to get up and not be able to nap today lol. We are all going out again tonight and going to a drag show. I had forgotten you know how it is fun to just go out and not worry. The drinking helped with the not worrying part! But it was safe and we all stayed at there house. Lost count of the drinks after a while but it was cool. and the pictures are so funny! listened to them singing karaoke and boy of boy we laughed so hard at them.

The biggest eye opener was...my brothers and sisters do consider mommy to be a little crazy at times. Its not just me. I dont admit it you know but I do think it. Like with the wedding and all the visitors coming to our house mommy has been cleaning everything for over a week. Pulling everything out and then expecting us to help her put it back when all she is going to do is yell at us for doing it wrong and redo it her way. and its just a waste to try you know. but its odd being agreed with on it you know. Confusing to because we all grew up in the same environment for the most part and we are all different and i guess its just a lot to do with how you take things in and process them. I dont know.

Had issues also with the dress that i had to have for the wedding. had to try it on without sleeves in it and that was a huge huge problem...still worried about it but i guess after talking it over with the T that I just have to wait and see if anyone else brings it up first hard waiting because my thoughts can get away from me and think the worse what ever it may be..but its just hard and stressful too..sigh

but things are going. hopefully i will be alright and manage ok.

little things

and sometimes the little things can make a day better ..


..the two year old that i work with..actually said hi to me when i got to his first. he has never said hi to me before!! it was so cool and then he hugged my leg because i was carrying a bunch of stuff and my leg was his height lol. but then he ran and sat right down to wait for me .. :) its nice to be wanted and noticed you know

mommy and love and whatnot

hoppefully this makes sense because my thoughts are still scattered all over the place..

in reference to the cutting we talked about love and mommy and other stuff..and i got around to mentioning that i didnt think mommy loved me at all..and how i have to be good and do everything im told so that she will..and then she talked about how some ppl just dont know how or cant express love..and it makes me mad..some ppl shouldnt be able to have kids if they are just going to be mean and hurt them and not love them..its not fair to the kid at all..and she was right in that if the kid just hears negative stuff thats all they know...it takes a lot of time to get me to say im not a bad person..thats always the first thing i think..thats what im used too..and ok fine its hard to convince someone of there worth when they dont want to believe it..

but then i was asked kinda what i wanted in a love type way from mommy..and i really dont know..whatever it is im still waiting for .. but i dont know what i want..or how to get it..makes me sad..


oh yea
im supposed to be making a list of ppl who are important to me...
aka reasons to stay alive

not to sure about that yet ..

talked about making a safety plan..next week..fun fun fun

trying really hard to process

i can feel myself starting to freak out and trying to get my scattered thoughts together and even figure out what it is that is bothering me..besides the urge to cut..i dont know..ok i do know but im not sure yet how to exactly word it..first im rather surprised at myself that i actually told linda that i was mad at her for what she told me about cutting..and thinking back on it..i really was upset about it..its was all my excuses just kinda got swept away at once..but obviously i got over it for the most part..now its just like a nagging thought in the back of my head..i mean yea i know it doesnt help not really..but that doesnt mean i havent made myself believe it does..but anyway..talked about that bit ... talked about why i cut..and emotions..and for the record emotions suck big time..and then we jumped topics a bit and talked about mommy and love and lack there of and talked about linda cas for some reason i wanted to know how old she was..and then because im a dork i let her know i was suicidal without actually saying i was..funny how that worked out..but then the more she talked about the more i didnt want to talk about it but its not like it could be dropped once the subject came up..blah..i had to repromise to call if i was not feeling ok..and that was after seriously thinking about it and wanting to say no and not promise anything at all because i dont like promising that..it makes me think there is something wrong with me and i cant fix it..i hate how much it is that i toy with the idea of wanting to die and wont say anything to anyone about it..and i know that this week will be hard because of the wedding and having a lot of people around..and i also didnt mention how hard last weekend was :( ..but i am so tired of trying for no reason..and that does scare me...a lot..i dont really want to die but even now it looks like its the greatest option..the only option..and i feel bad for thinking it..but she told me she cares and is concerned..i really dont leave her in an easy position and i know that because i dont fully talk about anything .. and i dont mean too..but i guess part of me is glad she knows...part of me is really worried she knows.. and the cutting does make it harder ..

and..maybe ill finish later

today

havent done much of anything today...came over the hang out at dees and do laundry. thrilling i know..it has helped being ovver here though. its quiet. no one making demands of me. i got to chat online and just do stuff online that i havent done in a while..played games..wasted time..the usual..but i feel a bit better today..still off though..hard to explain in some ways..but just still not really ok...worried about a lot of stuff..worried about therapy tomorrow and what i will be able to say..im not exactly sure how to tell linda that im suicidal..sigh...not good ..maybe ill make a list or something so i dont forget ..

nias wedding is this weekend..hard to believe its actually happening now..but the stress is setting in too..mommy is freaking out about the house and cleaning in her every waking moment and im not offering to help because theres no point..thats how most of the arguments got started over the weekend because i wouldnt help like she thought i would..and eventually it got around to her telling me my cleaning skills suck and my apartment was dirty and everything and it hurt my feelings because i did clean my apartment..maybe not every day but it was cleaned..but oh well it wasnt done good enough for her..so to bad i guess..but the more i think about the wedding and everything the more i wonder why they didnt wait..my sister although over 21 cant drive, and doesnt cook, or anything like that..i wonder how they will manage ..moving to a new town and everything ..and its not like she will be able to just call me or mommy and have one of us come and get her or something .. but i dont know .. maybe its not my concern..im guessing they have talked about it before..but still..

maybe im just overly worried about everything and its all just lumping together with everything else..i dont seem to know anything lately..not pleased that a bunch of ppl will be staying at our house..i cant handle crowded places to good..relatives or not..im worried about it..hate having to many ppl around me..makes me more paranoid than usual.


heard nothing on jobs..and the car the guy found is the wrong color so ill have to tell him to keep looking because i dont want a red car at all..blah...

not good enough

i guess im a bit slow in figuring out that im not good enough...or maybe ive just thought it so many times it doesnt get a reaction anymore...wrote a really long entry in my other journal and i wish there was a way to copy it because im not rewritting it..maybes its better that i wrote it in my other journal..kept me busy for over an hour at least..but it was just mostly about how ive never really been good enough..


yesterday was a really bad day..somewhere in the past few days ive become incredibly suicidal..i asked yvonne if she would keep dusti if anything happened to me..that was really bothering me because i cant die if theres not anyone to take care of dusti..but it was just really important to find that out..

i keep telling myself that linda is back and ill see her in a couple days and i just have to make it to tuesday and things will be ok again..im also thinking that i really really need to talk about suicide and what not and im not sure i can..i dont want her to be mad at me..i dont even know how to bring it up..i guess the easiest way would be to just hand over my journal and go from there but theres a lot of stuff in there recently about everything...because in trying hard not to cut my journal got more and more depressing..its funny cas i swear if anyone ever seriously figured out what was in my head i would be in the hospital because they would just think i was crazy..i feel crazy..worked really hard to not cut yesterday because i knew it would be really hard to control and if i started i didnt think i would stop..but i just felt worse and worse..did everything but cut..even managed to getting to taking my razor and staring at it for forever..stared at my arm too..and just couldnt do it i guess..so i just put it all away and tried to stay busy..except mommy just made things worse..

nevermind...im fine enough i suppose..therapy is on tuesday..guess that means ill have to keep myself alive until then