just a ramble ...

things are majorly stressful right now..everything seems to be happening at once..everything always seems to happen at once i guess..but its just my sisters wedding is next week and i still dont have a dress..yea i stopped caring when i was told i couldnt have the one i wanted..and now i still dont have one because my aunt who was going to make it decided she couldnt and so my mom had to ask someone else to make it and now its like its to late and it will be really rushed and its all one big hassle and im sick of being measured for the stupid dress..i dont even really want to be in the wedding anymore..i want it to go nice and be fun and a happy time for my sister but i just wish i wasnt going to be in the actual wedding..and then i feel guilty because i should want to be in the wedding ...im just ready for it to be over and done with.. still nothing coming through on the job stuff and i feel like a failure..mommy tells me im not trying hard enough and that i need to be more aggressive...but duh im not aggressive obviously and i wanted to ask her who taught me how to be quiet and keep my mouth shut..but that would have been making trouble and id rather not even go there with her..i wanted to take a break though because its just stressing me out and making me really anxious all of it..and i know if i keep it up ill just feel worse and worse..and i tried to tell her i was just going to stop looking for a couple weeks and she just decided i was giving up or something sad.gif i dont know..

just not feeling good over all..everything is getting to me and its all overwhelming..

..

i have nothing to say

its odd

i havent cut in a week or so i think..i suck at recalling time frames! but still its been at least a week if not longer...and i dont know..still not thrilled at what i was told by linda and i keep thinking about it and its still upsetting..the urges come at the oddest times..and i try hard to work around them or ignore them or do something else to stay busy and keep my hands busy or my head on something else...but still i feel so empty and lost with out..i knew what to expect when i cut..i knew what i was going after..and now i dont have that..or im not getting it from anything else .. i want release and theres nothing there anymore without cutting..i write but it doesnt really help much..it doesnt do the same thing..i think i miss it..i miss what it makes me feel..geez its only been a freaking week and i miss it?! how is that possible..a month down the line yea i can understand missing it but a week? missing it makes me feel crazy..like ive completely gone off the deep end...and that no one can possibly understand what it is that i want and cant have...i guess maybe it really is like a drug in some ways..i need it..ive made myself need it and now i cant have it and it makes me want to die in some ways..i want to escape my head but i cant do that..i dont even want to be in my head most days..but i cant get out of it..i cant make things go away..nothing ever really goes away i guess..no matter how many ways i try to make myself believe that it does...im just stuck

things are just stressing me out all around at home..i hate being there i really do and i guess its about time i stopped trying to make myself believe thing will be different..i write it out online and stuff and talk about how things dont change..and everyone seems to agree that moving is the best option lol..funny how that works out..and i am trying to find another job so that i can move out..but until then im stuck..and at the mercy of being at home until i can go..and dealing with everything at home..but dealing with it all is driving me crazy..what a lovely way to go..meds or a razor..hmm anyway no im not suicidal .. depressed yes but im always depressed so thats nothing new..just have to deal with it..some how..i have to be ok..i have to stay ok..i have to make everyone believe im ok..except i dont really care anymore..i dont talk at home..i hide..im not noticed..im not even there..well literally speaking..

the car thing has become a major annoyance..and its like mommy is of course controlling it all and just letting me end up paying. and she says its my choice but all her side comments are just getting to me..if its my choice then why cant i make it?! so im trying hard to keep my temper because she has been working hard to get something worked out and i feel guilty for getting so upset over stuff but i cant seem to help it. and the job stuff is really stressing me out...so much to do you know..i need more money and im trying hard to stay motivated to keep filling out applications...and i have to keep reminding myself that the state jobs take forever and its better to send out the applications and hope i hear something..but im forgetting where im sending them lol..i think im going to get the info on some of the newer state jobs and then just call the employment place for referrals since they are all over the state! but i am losing motivation to keep looking fast..i want to give up because its like i havent heard anything..i dont want to keep looking..but my options are getting smaller and smaller and all are centered around staying at home or leaving..we cant stay home for much longer before.hmm i just dont know how much more i can handle you know..its wearing on me big time lately...and now i dont really care if i have to move across the state but i will miss my t if i have to move far away. thats the big down fall to all my plans:( finally realizing i trust her to help..prolly why i managed to call her and leave a message for her to call me back without freaking to badly about it...but still have time on having to make that decision...

cutting..

talked to my doc yesterday and i have to admit talking to her did help calm my nerves...she told me that it was ok if i needed to call back after i had talked to her and had gone home..because i was freaked about going home and everything..and she reassured me that it was perfectly ok to take time out and be my myself..and i reassured her that i wasnt suicidal and i hadnt planned on leaving to kill myself..and we talked a little about cutting and she told me that it wouldnt matter if i cut or not because the problems would still be there tomorrow..and i dont know why its bothering me so much..i mean yea i guess somewhere in my head i know that cutting doesnt make anything go away no matter how much i want it too..but its like she just went and took away all my excuses and laid it all out..and im guessing she prolly didnt plan on me reacting to it the way i am..but i dont know..its like suddenly none of it makes sense anymore..why do i do it if it doesnt really help the underlying problems? somehow ive got myself thinking that cutting is the answer to keep me from really knowing what the real problem is..and now its not working anymore..suddenly its like holy heck what exactly does cutting really do for me? i dont know..i know what i want it to do..and i can prolly make myself believe that its helping..and i mean yes it helps but darnit now i have to acknowledge that it has absolutely no long term effect at all..crap..i never wanted to think that.. i was quite comfortable thinking that it was great and wonderful and would make everytyhing better and easier to deal with...but it hasnt..the scars arent going anywhere..the scars cant even be explained away with a reasonable lie..im the one getting hurt by it..and part of me is dead set on believing i deserve it..and thats all fine and good for now but once that changes to then what will be left? i still think ill die without cutting..but if i have to change how i think about it in general then i dont think that will still hold true..crap..it all pisses me off.. and it shouldnt..ugh

...

maybe the whole problem is that it makes me mad that she says she cares now..and wants to help and wants me to tell her stuff and why should i? why should i tell her anything when i know she will turn around and get pissed off at me and start using what i say against me..she didnt care before..what makes now so different? i dont want it now..its to late.. a few days of saying you care doesnt just change the way things were growing up..i was positive she went out of her way to hurt me..to make me cry or make me scared..she knew what she was doing..iit isnt like it just happened once..or twice..or ten times..no..how many mornings did i leave for school in tears because id been yelled at so much..how many nights did i wish i had the courage to kill myself because that was the ultimate way out..and i knew that would be the only way to be left alone..how many times did i have to swear at myself to make sure i didnt cry when my feelings got hurt..i was positive that she got up in the morning and thought of ways to make me cry just because she could..its to late now..i dont want her concern ..i dont believe it..

things ...

overall i have enjoyed being away from home. i wasted my time as i pleased. i did what i wanted to do which wasnt all that much. i got to play online and spend time lost in stories.. i got to wear shorts and a sleeveless shirt and there is no one to stare at me.. or question me..or look at me funny..thats all i wanted..a chance to be ok and not be scared or stressed out..i chance not to hide. a little time to just be myself you know...and it was ok but still it was overshadowed by other stuff dealing with mommy..i battled with the urge to cut..ive been picking at bug bites a lot..but i havent cut since the deep one i made a few days ago..im worried ill go home and mommy will check me for scars..im worried she will find out and call me crazy or try to put me in the hospital..im worried i think i will run out of options and try to kill myself..i dont want to go home..and that makes me sad..i cant seem to outrun my depression..its always there..underneath everything else..it doesnt go away..its depressing not wanting to go home..how can i not want to go home? i should want to and i dont..i want to just throw a tantrum and refuse to leave yvonnes place..i want to stay here and not go home..i want to scream and cry and demand to be heard..but i cant..i cant do anything ..and it makes me feel trapped..and stuck..and very very alone :(...i dont know what to do..and its like this all has to happen now??? the one time i cant go to therapy and it feels like im going to fall apart the most..i dont even like therapy and its like i need it..i have to make it the two weeks..i just have too..

but did go and see prof dunn and talked a bit about lots of stuff...cutting and mommy included..dont know how we got to that..but we did somehow..and she gave me hugs without me having to ask for them..and then i went to a movie and saw the new batman one and it was awesome! so much better than the first one! and it wasnt until after the movie that i figured i have to get ready to go back home :( i dont want to go..i really dont..

confusion

how come nothing at all gets to be about me? nothing..i just want one little thing..one moment where no one else's concerns matter. i thought getting away for just a couple days would be a break..that it would be a good thing..and now its not..now its like there is something wrong and mommy says she is freaking out..her..not me..her..she actually thinks i left and planned on killing myself..geez i dont need to leave home to plan that..i wasnt planning that..i just wanted some space to think thats all..just a little time to be alone where it was quiet and no one was bothering me or asking me to do a million different things..but now mommy tells me i need to talk to her..that if something is wrong i need to be able to ask for help..well damn if something was wrong id hate for it to become an issue now..when arent things wrong? and when does she give a damn at all? the one time i actually take the time to get away and im only a couple hours away from home even..its not like i traveled across the country to get away..but no its a problem because im alone..whats so worng with being alone? why is it such a big deal when i want to leave or something..no one else gets questioned..no one else needs to call home a million times a day for no good reason..no one else has to pretend and wonder and be s cared..but still its all about her and what she is worried about..suddenly im being asked if im cutting again..i told her no of course i wouldnt do that again..yea well considering i never stopped in the first place i wonder if it still counts as lying..i wonder if since im not at home she will go and search my room..and i wonder how much trouble ill be in if she finds all the razors that are in my room..what did i ever do that was so bad? why does something have to be wrong all the time? i dont know..i thought this was going to be a nice relaxing couple of days but now im just anxious and upset..why should i have to tell her anything at all? why does she have to assume that there is even something wrong in the first place..why why whyy..i wonder if when i get home she will check me for new scars..suddenly i need to be told to take care of myself..when it doesnt really matter at all..might as well just turn around and go back homee...thers no point in leaving when it just comes to this..

life sucks

there is no life without cutting


and i suck for even thinking that



.....
thats all

not great

today has been hard..i dont know why..but it has been..everything is pressing in on me..and i dont know how to describe it or give it words..right now im in the library because therapy was cancelled and changed to tomorrow and i just didnt want to stay at home..and then i found out that i wouldnt be working until much later and that doesnt really help the money situation at all..but whatever..

im putting off sending out more applications..suddenly there is a lot of fear about moving away..i cant do it..i dont want to do it..i want to do it but i cant..yea that just made a whole lot of sense :( i was ok with it when i was just looking aroudn and wondering but now its becoming more important and i cant do it..its too scary..im not that brave..im a wimp..nothing at all brave or strong about me..sigh and i know at the same time that i would give anything to move..but actually moving makes me so anxious and afraid..ill be going from one loneliness to another..in a place where we know no one ..but away from all the constant issues at home..i cant decide which is more important..ok maybe its just i cant decide which im ok with and not freak out about it..

but the small issues of escaping keeps coming up..and its not the first time ive heard it and it prolly wont be the last and that doesnt make me feel any better at all..i want to escape though..i want to be able to move and have things juts get better..i want things to be better now but i dont want to have to deal with the past to make it that way..i dont want to have to face anything..it scares me because i dont know what it is i have to face..i wonder and wonder what i have forgotten and it scares me because its like my life is passing me by and i cant keep up with it..heck it feels like im not even living it..i just wake up and go through the day and then forget what i did ...i cant seem to hold on to anything except feelings a deep unrest and isolation..i dont know what im doing and having someone question me and ask me makes me even more anxious..i want to refuse to go back to therapy but i need her..i dont want to have to leave my T now..i dont know how to manage with out her right now..given i dont go and really say anything either..or i try to explain and the words dont come..yet she remembers what i have said and can recall it better than i can..i like hearing her talk..and then im afraid to leave her office..i want to stay in her office to do nothing but just be there..i shouldnt depend on her like that because i know at some point i will have to leave her and move or something and thinking about it hurts..i dont want to get attached..but i guess i have in some ways..i dont want her digging up my past i really dont..but it sucks at the same time because i know at some point ill have to know it anyway..and cant escape it..i left home already thinking things would be better..and they werent..i came back thinking things would be better and they arent..at some point i will have to stop trying to just make it all go away without dealing with it..but i dont know how to do it either..keep walking into walls trying..or keep getting so scared and upset about it all...yea i guess it would be better trying to deal with it when not living at home but for now thats not even an option..

blah..things are just pretty suckish right now

busy minds...are just always busy

if there was a way to get my head to slow down i would loved to know what it was. although now i remember some of how aaron talked to me about mindfullness and paying attention to what was going on around me and staying there even..and i never really tried hard at it you know..but now its like my head runs away from me way to quickly and i just get stuck thinking about a million things and wanting to get away but being unable too...it makes me question is meditation really does work..maybe i should try it again..right now im almost ready to try anything..you know one of the appealing things about going back to asheville is that its quiet there..its a town like anywhere else but at the same time its not..its quiet and i dont know how i know that but i know it..maybe its just the closer to nature aspect of asheville but for some reason thats what it is...i have been wanting to go back..and i even asked yvonne about going back for my birthday. so its not new i guess..but it was just a little surprising when i actually considered working in asheville again..i wonder why i hadnt thought of it before actually...mommy of course is all for it as long as i find a job that pays better and has benefits..and then she doesnt care because that just means i will have to help out more at home you know..but i dont want to do that either...right now i juts want to leave..thats my most pressing thought..i need to leave and go and thats just it..there is no other option..the same way i didnt have any other options when i moved home in the first place..now my only option is moving again but being able to take care of myself in the process. i miss living alone. i miss being by myself..im craving solitude that i cant have at home..yea it gets lonely alone but im lonely at home too..so it doesnt really matter i guess..i can be lonely anywhere..but that really is my motivation right now. moving out..to move out i need a better job..so im looking for a job..and when i find one im gone..it would be nice to find one that would help with moving costs but if not thats ok too..unless im going clear across the state again..and then we will have to talk about moving expenses..but one good thing would be that if i moved back up near asheville at least i would have a place to stay for the interviews if i got one because henry lives up there..and i know i can go and stay with him overnight or something if i had too..but still that would be a couple tanks of gas...at least a $150 dollar trip..so it would take some planning i know..but getting the applications in would be the first step..but also i need to figure out what areas i want to consider..because i was looking for jobs but at the same time i was confused about the different counties..suddenly i really do hate that nc has 100 counties..my gosh ..but at the other end of the job front...im really worrying big time about the job that im waiting to hear about..im trying to stay positive but my mind still gets the best of me and i wonder whats wrong with me..maybe im just really not good enough..maybe i dont know what im getting myself into..so many maybes and questions that i cant answer..but i check my phone a million times hoping for a call and then getting depressed because i havent gotten one..i mean in some ways i am trying to have a better outlook and i know i can keep applying for different jobs and that each interview will be better than the last one..but still i wonder how many it will take to get a job..how many times will i end up getting dejected before i finally find another job and can move on into something else...mommy keeps pushing and pushing for everything and im not even sure what i want anymore...first its the job and finding a better one and then its school and im sure after that it will be something else that she thinks i need and am not working hard enough to get..theres always something..and i just cant seem to keep my mouth closed and end up staying in trouble..i asked her today why she always had to know where im going? and she got mad at me and told me that she wouldnt ask anymore..and i know its a lie..and i know she was pissed off when she said it but i really dont see why she has to know..if im out im out..if im not at home them im not at home..its not big deal..it shouldnt be a big deal but mommy makes it one..and it sucks ...and im still the selfish one because when i try to stand up for mytself or to set maybe a little tiny boundary it gets shot down and im still in trouble .. its not fair..and to make my life even better something is really wrong with my car and its just leaking something underneath the drivers seat because the carpet on that side is now soaked in something but i dont know what..and one of the tires is losing air and things just need to be checked on it but i cant afford to get it fixed but if it breaks ill be even more worse off and i dont know what to do..if i give up my next two pay checks it will be trouble for other bills..but i know it wont be cheap at all and i just dont know what to do about it..and its to expensive right now to rent a car and just give my car a break but if i still have to get it fixed then i would still end up paying for it...i want another car..but no one would take the one i have now as a trade in..and riley and harris have left for camp so thats no extra money for a month...im just going to keep falling behind with things if i have to get my car fixed..geez..life is grand isnt it.

tired ramblings

im struggling to stay awake right now because im not at my house and i was planning on leaving and going home but its already almost midnight and i got like 4 hours of sleep last night but im not completely comfortable staying here either..ok and that was just confusing and long! but im sleepy and just really worried and stressed right now...like wondering what in the heck im doing with everything..i have another week about the job i interviewed for..im really hoping i get it...i really am trying to be positive about it..but the more i think about it the more i start telling myself that im not going to get it..that i should start putting out applications again and that i dont need to give up on finding another job..that way if i dont get it then it wont hurt as much...but if i do get it then things can start to get so much better. but then i have to consider where to apply ..theres not much around where i live now and if im willing to move farther away. the funny thing is there are jobs up near asheville where i worked before..not with the same company mind you but just in the area...i loved that area..i would love to go back if i could afford it..but that would mean well a big move because thats about 6 or so hours..all the way across the state..that would mean stopping therapy again just when im starting to get back into it..but i would be moving..i would be on my own..and away..but i know now that even being away doesnt just make things all better..no matter how much i might wish it...if i moved i would have to stay in therapy..better yet i would prolly have to have the appt set up before hand because otherwise i might not keep up..and may be ive grown up enough in the past year and a half to know that and know what it is i need to do..i want to think i have..but im not sure..no im not the same as i was a year ago..or even a year and a half ago when i first started out in the real world..but i look at it all now and know that i have to keep looking..i have to keep trying and not just give up and settle..its more important this time..i have to prove i can do it..and that i really can stand on my own..and actually make something of myself..i feel like im just wasting away at home..ill die at home..but i will have to come to some idea about the traveling and moving though..i applied for the job i did because it was close enough that i could get away with moving .. i wouldnt have to change therapists...but if i dont get that job and get one farther away..then i dont know..that would be giving up everything again..but what is holding me here? thats the problem..i look at being at home and it depresses me so very much..i go out of town and come back and just the thought of having to go home makes me so very sad and tired..there is nothing for me here..im nothing here..and i just think that if i dont do something to get away..then i will run out of time..and i dont want to die..not really..sometimes yea but overall not really. but at the same time all of this really is scary..and makes me worry about what im getting myself into...i wonder if im ready..i wonder if i can leave again and just stay gone...

mad

feeling awfully scrambled right now...just not ok at all but trying to be ok because theres no other choice..im so so upset and everything that can go wrong with my car is going wrong and it makes me mad because its like my car is falling apart and its only been mine for a year and a half now..my drove it for almost 4 years before i got it back..and its a long long story for how that actually worked out..but now its like all this stuff is going wrong with it and i cant afford to get it fixed and my mom is constantly asking about my stupid irs money again because i got the stupid letter in the mail finally and now that she knows im getting it..she has to bring up everything shes done and tell me all this stuff i need to help pay for that i never wanted in the first place and she wants to know how much she can have..and this is after she said she didn't want any of it..she told me that she only asked because she knew i needed the extra money..and now i just feel stupid for even believing her ...i should have known better and that as soon as things changed she would change it all and start telling me that i had to help..and that what i was planning on using the extra money for is just not going to work out...which is don't think is fair at all.but it seems that what i think doesn't matter in the slightest..and i really don't know why i bother at all..because somehow no matter what i say makes me the wrong one..and no matter what it is i want to do i cant..im the one spending to much money and that i should have made enough to pay my bills..and its like nothing i do is right and she makes it sound like i just go and blow all the money i have on absolutely nothing..like im that stupid..or i have no idea how to manage my money better than that! give me a break..it makes me so so mad..well im mad all the time lately it seems...and this morning i was just pissed off because one my tire was flat ..but i went and had it looked at and was told it looked ok..so i just put air in it and then was on my way..but i figure it will have to be changed soon if its starting to lose air..but also for the money issues and then nia demands i take her to work..she was the one sick..and if she is sick and not feeling good then stay home from work..and dont demand and get a freaking attitude when she has to depend on someone else to even take her in late..just because im at home doesnt mean a thing to anyone else..me being at home is an invitation it seems for everyone to ask me to do stuff or to let someone borrow my car to do something they want to do..and if i say no then everyone is all pissed off at me..if its my car and im the one paying for it shouldnt i be able to say what i want to do with it? and right now no i dont have the money to waste gas to drive an hour to take her to work and then go back home..i wasnt going to do it without gas money and she she pissed me off anyway..i took my time with getting ready to leave...because one she never asked..and i dont like it being demanded that i just do something because im right there and no one seems to think i have anything else to do..what gives her the right to get pissed off at me when im doing her a favor?? if i didnt take her then she wouldnt have gotten to work at all..and i dont feel bad at all making her give me gas money to take her because she didnt give me enough to even make it worth taking her..not when gas is back up to $4 dollars..and not when i wasnt expecting to be driving anywhere else today..no im not sorry in the least...and the whole thing still makes me feel so mad..i couldnt finish anthing i needed to do at home because of running her to work and once i left i wasnt going to be coming back because that would be a waste of gas if i just had to turn around and go babysit tonight..its all so stupid

i hate my life..

i dont know what im supposed to do...

im not liking therapy to much right now..and its all my fault..i keep trying to talk without actually revealing anything..i keep trying to talk around the issues..i dont want to talk about the real stuff..id rather just pretend that there is nothing wrong ..that im perfectly fine..you know..if i say it enough then ill believe it and things will go back to being ok enough to manage..but i guess things really arent ok..they never were..something has always been wrong and i ignored it..i made it go away..forced myself to make excuses..pretend nothing was wrong..that i deserved it..that it was my fault..whatever it took..i made sure i knew that it was my fault..i reminded myself..i had to make myself believe..so i told myself again and again until i did..until no one could tell me any different..and then i left home and had to start learning that the world doesnt really work like i thought it did..not everyone was going to hit me or yell at me...i dont understand why it is my therapist doesnt get mad at me or annoyed..i know she wouldnt hit me but i cant say i havent thought it..im completely ok with knowing someone is mad at me..but im not ok with someone being ok with me..i have to question it..i have to make sure i dont start thinking that somehow they are right and im just wrong about it all..and now i just dont know..i know what im expected to do..what i should do..but i dont know what i want to do..i think about it all the time now..i think about if i want to talk..what i want to say..what i can say without getting in trouble..i want to talk but i cant..i dont know what to say..i dont know how to get around everything in my head..and now the lovely topic of abuse came up today and i was talking about my lack of memory skills..and the topic came up and she questioned me a little bit on it but not much..but enough to make me really wonder what it is i want to do..i dont want my almost perfectly illusioned world to fall apart..i dont want to have to know the truth but i hate not knowing..i hate questioning what i remember against what i dont..i hate being so sad and anxious and not knowing why..i dont want to be like this forever..if i dont do it now then it will just keep coming up or else i will find a way to kill myself..something that doesnt bother me as much as it should..but i guess thats just what it comes too..but then i have to wonder if ill try to kill myself now if i start remembering all the stuff i forgot..maybe i forgot it for a darn good reason..im scared that she will figure it out..im just scared about everything right now..im tired of fighting it all..but i dont know how to not fight it..i have to ignore it..i have to make it go away and i keep getting asked why i think about it like that..and i dont have an answer..i just cant deal with it..talked about cutting today too..and i got around to mentioning that i was scared to stop it because then there would be nothing for me to replace it with..i have to replace it ..i just cant stop and theres nothing there..and she asked why..and i didnt realize it then but later on that i just cant see myself with out..i cant see myself not doing something that hurts on purpose..its always been something..it started with picking and i was in trouble for it..moved to purging for other reasons..but not many know about that.. and then it moved to cutting and i got in trouble for that but have yet to stop..and then it went to burning..and that was the ultimate hurt but i couldnt control it and stopped for the most part..it all hurts..they all have there purposes..but without them i dont know who i am...i dont know how not to hurt myself..and when those dont work i can attack myself in my head any time i want..i cant get out of my head..i cant escape myself..and i know how make myself hurt, i know what it takes..hell mommy doesnt even have to do it cas i got better than her at it even..i already know my weak points and how to exploit them to the extreme.. i do it without thinking about it..i can make things really bad for myself really fast and i dont know how to stop it..do i even want to stop? i want to say yes..geez my head screams yes..but i have to stop and question it..it cant just be yes..it isnt that simple..why cant it be that simple? why does it have to scare me so much? i dont know..

....

sometimes i think it makes me jealous that i cant be the center of attention all the time..i want to be left alone and not noticed but i still want to be noticed a little bit..but then i dont like it...in a big dont touch me mood..have been since the other night when i was cutting..feeling mega lonely and killer depressed..geez if i could get out of my head i would..i cant even stand myself right now and its like a never ending rain of thoughts about how alone i am..its utterly pathetic in an incredilbly depressing way..geez i want to cut just to shut my head up..but then i made a mess the other night..not cool..think im nervous about therapy tomorrow..dont know what to say..talked about the burning but after i left i figured out i had done it only cas i wanted to make her mad at me..i guess i figure if i get her mad enough then she will tell me to leave and that i cant be helped and that will be the end of it..and then ill once again not have to answer to anyone about anything at all..i thought things were supposed to get better not worse...and it just feels like things are getting worse and worse..well sometimes thats what it feels like..and i know its not always like that but right now its like just overwhelming i guess...maybe i need to just go and lay down for a while..stare at the wall or something..since ive been doing that alot lately..maybe i expect the wall to keep me company or something..

not good

im on a serious quest to find a job...well currently waiting to hear hopefully back from the ppl i interviewed with last week.but if not then will have to look around some more for another job..just cant handle being at home anymore told the mom a couple days ago or something that i would move out so i could get another cat..she laughed it off and told me to do what i had to do...i was talking to my sister yesterday about how if i got another job that i would move out..and my mom asked me about it later on..and i told her yea..but i said i would do it because i wanted to save on gas which is true..i dont think i could deal with telling her that i was moving out because being at home made me feel stupid and suicidal..for some reason i dont think that would go over to well...but its just each week it gets a little harder to be here..my head is not ok..cut last night and i feel more guilty that im not sorry about it..not that i did it..

lots of thoughts

you know its kinda funny..that today i can look back on the interview..what i can remember about it anyway..and pick out the parts where i could have added more details and things..the more nitpicky end of things..and overall i still think i did pretty good for this to have been my first interview at a dss..and they asked the awful where do you see yourself in five years question! ...it was the first time i havve done an interview with three people asking me questions..and when i answered some it was like i could see them nodding when i gave a good answer pretty much and it was funny ..because it was like i said what they wanted to hear on some things..the more school related stuff and stuff about my job..darnit forgot where i was going with this...hmm oh..now that all the anixety is gone from worrying about being questioned..i dont think i would feel as horrible as i thought if i didnt get the job..if i lived through one interview i can do another one..yea it would suck..but wont be the end of the world..and they told me it would be a couple weeks at least before i heard anything..and that if i didnt hear anything by the middle of july that i wasnt going to be offered a job..but ill keep looking..just in case..because right now im not working enough to keep up with bills at all..and its pretty much sucking on that end of things..i asked for more hours yesterday though and kinda told one of my supervisors that i was just keeping an eye out for a new job..soo guess thats all..not sure if that made any sense at all ..but i guess overall it is a sense of accomplishment..i now know the world will not end if i mess up a little in an interview or forget to say something..maynot get the job but doesnt mean i cant apply for another one..and i want to go on record as actually writing that.incase in a week i go and say it all sucks or something..

but with everything else..i dont know..feel kind of out of it today..this week work wise has been pretty sad..ive worked what 2 and a half days..and i only say half because the baby that i work with is only for an hour...but my other person has seriously had his hours cut..and it sucks..so its like every week im losing hours..ugh..so it really doesnt feel like im working much at all..and now riley and harris are getting ready to go out of town for camp for like 3 weeks or something and i wont be getting that extra money eitherr...so yea..cutting it close for the next month or so i guess..until i find another job..

and i cant say im struggling with the cutting or not cutting or whatever...i did try the distracting thing..tried not to stop it all..and i woke up this morning..and now of it mattered..because somewhere in the last 12 or so hours i decided i wanted to and nothing was going to stop me..it was just a matter of how long i wanted to wait it out...and im not even doing it because im upset or anything..sad yea but when am i not sad these days? so its not really about it either..it because right this minute i feel dead..and i dont like that feeling..i dont like when my head feels all foggy and slow..i keep zoning out ..getting distracted by little stuff and then forgetting what im doing..funny how that happens and all iwas doing was looking at graphics..there was a little smiley face graphic that kept turning into a knot..and i watched it for a while before i realized i was supposed to be doing something else..that shouldnt distract me and it did..and prolly would have for a lot longer if i hadnt been writing something..mmm dont know..

not thrilled....

the interview was fine..actually madde it through without doing anything stupid..and worked hard to keep eye conttact and not get to fidgety ..think i managed ok..answered all of there questions at least..now i just have to wait..they said they are still doing interviews..and it could be a couple weeks before they pick anyone..
hoping i was good enough and made a good impression but said like and umm a million times but that was more nerves than anything else..

and then had to go and try on dresses and s tuff with mommy cas even though i already said i found the one i wanted i cant have it..so mommy went and picked some out and she is dead set on having it her way..and she keeps going for the wrong fucking color..im sorry but browwn is not kahki in any way shape or form..but whatever..well lucky me they didnt fit anyway..so embrassed about it..and the lady said they were made small but that doesnt make me feel any better to know that the dress would have to be two sizes bigger than what i usually wear..and i dont know ..im not small and it was already a hassle finding a dress..and now it just got a million times harder ..feeling stupid..and a whole lot of other not good stuff.. wanna go hide in a corner or something

one more time...

got triggered last night and started thinking about cutting..except i remembered from therapy that i had to work on controlling the impluse more..cas sometimes its like theres not room for anything else in my head..i have to do something that hurts and then i can think about everything else..but it started me thinking you know that if i just do it once more it will be ok and that will be it and ill be able to stop next time and it wont hurt..like i had to talk myself back into it being ok to do..that if i made it ok then it wasnt a bad thing and i wouldnt feel guilty..if i make it ok to need it then its just for now and not later..but then i realized im making it just every other addiction ive seen..anyone watch the show intervention? cool shoe but huge huge triggers..but its a good show about the real effects of addictions..but its like how many times has someone died from that 'one more time' thinking..now im not doing to die from cutting my arm but thats not really the point..if i make this my one last time then what about the next time or the next impluse..its like im setting it up in a way so that every time is the last time ill do it but it will never end..it can be the last time a million times..and what then? im still looking at the scars from the last time i promised to stop..and then time after that..and then the time after that too..


just thinking...

..

and therapy was hard..but i think i talked more today than i have in any other session so far..and given the topic..i was just yelling for me to be quiet..but whats new..but we talked about moving and stuff and my t was nice enough to remind me that just moving away isnt going to magically make things better..and i let her know that moving an hour away was pretty much doing nothing..but still away is away..if it becomes a possibilty..and there is something really bothering me about therapy today..because we talked about cutting and consequently burning and i let her know how i did it and everything..and i was telling her all this stuff and i was trying to guage her reaction at the same time..and she wasnt mad at me...disappointed..yea..sad or even worried..yea..but she wasnt mad..and it wasnt until after i left that i figured out that somehow i really expected her to be mad..really really mad you know..and it makes no sense at all..because i know..ive already asked her..and she let me know that its not about her being mad..but still that was one of the underlying reasons for telling her..i wanted to shock her..i wanted her to be upset and mad at me for being stupid..or for doing bad stuff.. and it completely throws me that it didnt happen the way i expected it too..idont know..its so confusing though..because its like i keep going against what i already know..i have to question it..i have to somehow make it not ok ..and im also guessing this is one of those things i would prolly have to let her know