i guess i do remember...some

i just finished a book on ed's...when i checked it out i guess i thought it ws something else but boy was i in for a surprise once i actually took the time to read the insert thingy...it was a good book but it was depressing too..hence my mood has taken a bombdive into nothingness..



and nevermind..cant put that here...

i dont consider myself bulimic at all..it comes and goes..i can stop whenever i want..but lately..as in well this week..i cant seem to eat without wondering if im going to b/p...its prolly not a normal response to say great ill eat and throw up my sister just came to tell me that mommy brought home dinner..i asked what it was and just thought great thats easy to purge.. whats wrong with me

tgif

i have never been so happy to see a friday..im sick of work..im sick of everything right now..and maybe im just overly tired and wornout..maybe im just stressing over bills and money and lack there of.. i dont know..the first friday in forever that i actually came home after work..no babysitting no anything..and do you know what im told to do? make sure i clean the house..so i wont have to do it tomorrow..yes i dont have to work but i will seemingly spend my friday afternoon/evening cleaning..yes thats what i want to do..im so excited i can barely contain myself gee what was i thinking coming home and hoping to do something i wanted to do..


but yesterday had a semi texting chat with a friend and she mentioned that she wanted to go to india..i of course said sure i want to go ..and then she said she wanted to go and work for a while and i was like holy cow..live there?! i have considered living over seas but india was not my choice for places to go...now i think about it and wonder you know..if the option came up seriously would i take it? would i put everything on hold to travel and live and work over seas for a few months? i dont know..i want to say yes but the whole idea scares me..i look at my life and wonder what do i have to lose..maybe it will be an exprience ill never get again..and going with yvonne would be a heck of a lot of fun..for my degree it makes sense that i would consider it you know..go work in an orphange over seas..so help out in a third world country..give up the joys of driving and interenet and tv..but what would i learn there? would it be worth it? i just dont know..i cant decide at all right now and no its not happening like tomorrow..there is still all summer to look at it from every possible way...but i have to decide you know..i have to figure it out..because im torn between wanting to go and being able to go over being deathly afraid of going to country like india..not that its bad or anything but thats like jumping out of my comfort zone with no looking back and no way of returning...yet a part of me knows if i could go i would really like it..i would learn a lot..but maybe ill have to poke that part of me with a stick until it stops trying to influence me

not much to say

its just that i cant find the words to really say whats on my mind..to many thoughts are going all over the place ever sense therapy on tuesday..and hence ive been not really losing time but just having a time of remembering what im doing or what day it is..which jjust leads to more stress because then i think ive missed an appt or something and its like i can look right at the calendar and still not clue in on what it is im looking for or what day it is..its a pain in the butt...and then i havent been wanting to do anything at all.not sure if its just being sad or depressed still but its not getting any better..and my job is good for zoning out when i want it to be..

im still unable to figure out what i think of showing my scars to the T..im not even sure what i was thinking when i did it..it was just do it..i almost backed out..i almost let all the time run out for the session..and at the last possible minute i just asked..and then i had to show them because i asked..but because of the time she didnt really give much of a response and im not sure i could have handled a response anyway..she did let me know that we would be talking about it next week..and im gonna go out on a limb here and say that she wont be forgetting that little comment..im sure she wrote it down ..in the session talking about other stuff she does bring up things ive said and i swear it is so surprising that she remembers the little stuff i tell her when i cant even remember everything i tell her..

but on a side note (and nope i didnt have anything to say ) made it to the library this week..and got some new books...for some reason i have developed a habit of starting series and then not being able to find the second book lol..but started reading the ellen hopkins books and i swear i could not put the book down yesterday...i finished the entire 400 some pages in about gour and a half hours..while at work no less!!! but the book was called crank..and i had seen it in the bookstore a while ago and glance through it and thought the set up of the book was really stupid and so i didnt give it a second thought..went to the library a few weeks ago and got her other book called burned on a whim and again couldnt put it down once i had started it! so then of course i just had to read crank..and its about meth and how it worked its way into this girls life and what happened and everything and i really do hate to admit it made me slighty curious to know what a serious high feeling is..but then i remember the horror of watching requiem for a dream and was able to nix that thought in the bud before it got out of hand..but seriously it was a good very good book..both of them were! im glad it was in the library so i could get it lol..im considering buying both of those books because well yea they were good but they were written in a way that i could relate too..you know..questioning your life..your beliefs..going against what you were brought up to believe..the appeal of addictions and how hard they are to give up..because no im not into drugs and never have been but i do consider cutting and purging to be addictions none the less...the books made sense..the insight was really really good and made me think you know..i like books like that!

should i be?

should i be happy or sad or proud that i showed my doc one of my arms..well the worst one..and she asked about some of the other scars but i didnt show anymore..i waited until the last possible minute of the session before i got up enough nerve to even bring it back up again..and she looked and i almost thought she was going to try to touch them but she didnt..she told me we would talk about it more..and its one of those we will talk about it mores that i know she wont be forgetting about..and i was ok while she looked and was ok when she asked about the other ones..and even managed an ok when she said we would talk about it..but as soon as i left it was like i realized what i had done..and i dont regret it but im really really scared..anxious..like suddenly some line has been crossed and i may pretend but its not going away again..and im not sure what i think about it..i keep thinking some rule has been broken but i dont know what the rule was or even where it came from..but thats all i keep getting im my head..some part of me is really not pleased at all with what ive done..i dont know how to take it or deal with it...im anxious yes but i dont want to cut..go figure..just struggling to understand it..

stupid really stupid

really anxious right now..on edge..read something i wthought i would be ok and im not..was ok while reading it but then i wrote a response and it all came back and it is still really upsetting..i mean it was about suicide and friends and what not..and i thhought i had gotten over when a friend tried and i was supposed to be helping and she promised she was ok..and that she would call or get in touch if she needed me and she ends up in the hospital for trying and its really upsetting..because i did everything i was supposed to do and it wasnt enough..and it makes me feel horrible and then even worse becasuse im still so mad at her for doing it..she wasnt supposed to do it.she was supposed to be ok..and i failed and i should have tried harder or been more heelpful or listened better or something..god i should have known she would try anyway..it didnt work..but still..it sucks..and i suck and i just i dont know

more school issues

lately all my thoughts are on school and going back or not going back..and i know im using it for an escape but maybe i need one...because then i could look at it and say well that gives me another 2 years to work on stuff before going back into the real world ..or i could just keep struggling now and not do grad school and move or something...allow me to be a bit vain and say i really want the colorful color thingy though lol..that only grad students get when they graduate lol..i saw them for the few who graduated with my class and they really were rather cool to look at..prolly would never use them again but its enough to know i wanted it..when i talk about it you know its always like ok ive done school..things are supposed to get easier now..annnnnnnnnd well that didnt really happen as quickly as i would have liked..i wish i could decide or do something because im running out of time if i have to start applying and what not..or maybe i should apple and just see if i get in and then decide from there...anyone wnat to write my reflections essay ? i dont care for anymore reflection about anything! and now i remember why i took the job i have now lol..duh me for forgetting..be cause if i do end up in school then it is easier to leave the job i have now because of how it is set up..and i mention every so often that im considering grad school with them but its not defenite or anything. i mean i didnt get my degree for the money..i knew going into social work my pay checks wouldnt be stellar but i want to manage and be able to take care of myself and all that good stuff..the problem comes in with everything else..rent..bills..insurance..car payments ..ugh..suddenly my check isnt that impressive anymore you know..and my insurance is killer..because im still under the 3 year mark for having my license so im still having to pay just about 300 a month for that alone and then my loans for school are going to kick back in soon and its like good grief can i get a break somewhere..and i hate knowing that being at home has its benefits..but it does no matter how much i dont like it or want to be here..

but that aside...im not happy either..ok maybe being home has a big part to do with that but i dont think i was happy at my other job either..i liked my job..i liked the kids i worked with sometimes..i had fun and my coworker made sure i was ok and safe and heard..but it was still a job..i wasnt devoted to it.when i wasnt working i wasnt concerned with it at all...and my job now..i like my cls..i like some of the families i have..but when im not working i dont think about it..not that i want to bring my job home or anything and it really is fairly low stress..but its also not a challenge at all...i mean some days i spend 3 hours at work coloring or 3 hours watching tv because of the disablities my cls have and that they cant do a lot of things and well not talking plays in too..but its like i have it so easy..and it makes me feel useless some days....but then i wonder you know if i had taken a higher stress job would i like it anymore? or would i even be able to handle it..

...

my mom asked me last week or maybe the week before if i planned to move out of the state..and of course i told her yes because im not a fan of coastal living at all..its too hot and i have to many scars but whatever..ive never liked it here and plan on moving as soon as i can...she then asked where i would go and i have no idea..some random middle state where no one will find me..but i dont know..im not a big city person..i cant handle it and i know this already..and from recent trips i know i dont like cali so that one is out..but for the most part i really dont know where i would go...and then came the question about if i got a job offer ..a good one..benefits included..would i take it..even if i had to move to do it..and i looked at her like she was crazy..and of course i can up with a million and one excuses for why i couldnt just up and move...and ive spent so much time thinking about it ..and now im not sure...right now today would i take the job .no..and not just because i love therapy so much ..because she doesnt even know im in therapy..but its just i cant leave me job riight now..if i stay till the end of the year then i qualify as a qp..and i really think i could become a case manager if i stayed where i am now..and that would be a raise and other things..but also because i would feel so guilty about just leaving my cls and everything..and sometimes i really hate my loyalty streak..i hate how guilty little things can make me feel...like with my other job..yea i was being treated like crap but i would not leave in the middle of the semester and just leave my group or my coworker...i had to stay to see them through the program...i had to make sure they had everything they needed because the managers werent doing what they needed to do..and if i hadnt stayed then i would have missed one of the best trips i ever took and it was with my group and my coworker who i grew to regard as one of my really good friends..even though he was 15 year older than me..but thats a whole nother story..but i mean all of it just makes me wonder if i would find a better job looking out of state..picking an area and looking for a job there? and then i question going back to school..do i want to spend another couple years in grad school? do i want another degree? i dont know what i want...maybe i never did know..not really..its just always been this idea that im supposed to go to school..im supposed to graduate and have a good job and be a good person..and its like what if i dont want that? will the world end? will i be disgraced? will i be a dissapointment? im the first one in my family (immediate family) to graduate from college..my younger sister an brother are still in college but ive already graduated...i fufilled my obligation for higher education and it took a hell of a lot of work and pushing and therapy to even make it out of college..but i did and have a dipolma and all that good stuff..but there are plenty of ppl who didnt go to college who are making it just fine...i dont know what i want to be anymore..and part of me is still really really excited about the play therapy thing..becasue i know if nothing else i want to keep working with kids..but i think about what i wanted right out of college and im not doing that..because i wanted ..really wanted to work with hiv+ kids..that area intrigues me a lot and there really isnt enough ppl in that area..and i still want to do that..i wonder if that would mean traveling and living over seas for a while..and if i want to do that..or even moving to one of the bigger cities where there is more openness about hiv and aids and all of that...but i dont know..i really dont and i feel stupid for not being able to decide or know...im watching my sister get ready to be married in a couple months and i guess part of me is really jealous..she gets to move out..get her own place again..be back on her own..doing whatever..and im still stuck here for a bit longer..and its depressing..im happy for her and im glad she is getting out...but..i dont know..i look at her life and what she is doing or going to do and i cant compare it to mine..because we are so different..but i guess i kinda want some of the things she has .. maybe that makes me shallow or something..maybe it just makes me feel shallow..i cant decide...all of it really does just confuse me..and maybe a big huge part of it is that im so used to being told what i have to do and what i need to do..and so getting the option to choose is once again throwing me for a loop and im just feeling incredibly lost and alone..

blah

im still incredibly tired..guessing ive worn myself out but doing what i dont really know...its a rainy chily day here to be a holiday weekend and mommy is forcing family time on us...i want to laugh at the crazyness of it all..i mean really..we arent kids..we will last a few hours and then everyone will drift off to do there own thing..all the cops out and about are making me so very nervous..just in half an hour i saw like 5 cop cars..3 had pulled ppl over.it makes me nervous big time..and im being really careful with not speeding today!

...

i keep thinking about my journal and writing and getting things out of my head and i cant think of anything to write..

this week has been so long...on tuesday i thought it was wed..on wed i kept thinking it was friday and it was a bit depressing to realize i still had to last the entire rest of the week..this week has been soooooooooooooo long and tiring and i dont know..just weird...maybe sleepind less than 4 hours just threw me off for the entire week and not being able to catch up on sleep really just made it so much worse..i dont know..its just been one of those really forgetful weeks..

but today is friday and i cant get any excitment over it what so ever..im tired..im more than tired...im just here..i dont know

theres a lot going on with work and now in addition to one kid moving away im going to change around my other cls and its some long story and there are 6 cls and 3 workers and so we are getting switched around..and its just stressful because it will all happen at once..in a couple weeks and its making me nervous..i thought i would stay with the ones i have now but things change and if the ones in change want to move me then im guessing ill be moved and my cls changed and ill have to start over with new kids..i hate starting over..it took forever to get used to the ones i have now..but i guess more than anything i just dont want to change what im used too..it makes me nervous and on edge

geez i feel slow today..like im walking through cement trying to do anything..i dont want to do anything

upset ..i dont know

i finally caught up with one of my supervisiors and had a chat about one of my cls..and it really pisses me off when someone has a problem with something ive done or havent done and they dont freaking just tell me..hello the cl doesnt talk..i cant really ask him what he wants to do for the most part..and when i do ask his guardian sometimes she gives me a straight answer and sometimes she doesnt and she never really says what she really wants me to do..ugh i cant do what im not asked to do..i know what i was told when i started..and then things can change as you get to know the family and everything but if im not being told or asked what to do to help the cl then im under the impression that what im doing is right and ok..and its not that ive done anything wrong ..its just that the guardian wants things done differently and she could have just asked me..and its a pain and it does hurt my feelings in a way..because its not even a big deal to take him out more..its just i didnt know she wanted me too..but it does bother me that she said the services havent been consistent enough..i rarely take a day off without good reason...some for training..and some for the occasional vacation..even if im sick i go to work..becasue i dont get sick days..if i dont work then im not getting paid at all..unless its a training thing..but i would say ive been as consistent as i can be..and still it doesnt seem to be enough..i hate that..i do everything im asked to do and then some and its still not enough..sometimes i really have no idea what it is ppl want from me..

in therapy yesterday...we talked quite a bit about cutting and addictions (yes i actually started talking first..big shock i know)..and i asked why she hadnt asked to see the scars..because trust is a big deal and i often wonder if ppl look at me and consider me a liar about things you know..i dont look like i would do something like cutting and i always think ppl consider me too nice..too quiet to ever do such a thing as scar my body and on purpose..they wouldnt know how to take it..but anyway..she asked if i would have shown her if she had asked..and of course i said no...and that was the end of it for the most part..but then i thought about it a bit more later on in the middle of work no less and it was like suddenly i wanted her to see them.some of them anyway..i wanted her to make it real..make it so that i couldnt ignore them or pretend they werent there...i cant accept that i do it ..i cant expect anyone else to accept it..but with the T at least she can see and acknowledge them in ways i cant right now..at least there would be someone to hold me accountable in some way..because i cant seem to get that anywhere else in my life...

day by day

so im clamer once again..still really annoyed with everything..wondering about a lot of different things..a lot of them having to do with eating or not eating..im great with counting cals when i want too..and when i want to put forth the effort into it..given it does border a bit on being very questionable..but its like technically im not doing anything wrong and if im still eating its not a big deal..so ill just have to see what i do becuase i dont really know..and im not to sure im big on caring right now..pulled out my older food journal..and its a pretty interesting read if nothing else..so i dont know..not really making much sense i guess..

but back towork ...another busy day..another busy week..millions of things to do and get done..and as usual im behind in my paperwork..stupid and i do so know better and i just cant seem to get myself to do it before its due..but ok guess im done

excerpt from my other blog

"its like being asked to wake up the part of myself that i never wanted to see again..the part of myself that lives to please without question..to do and do and do until there is nothing left..to be exactly who is it im expected to be regardless of the consequences..she comes and goes every so often but never for long because i obviously kid myself into thinking that im ok and i dont need to starve or purge..stupid stupid me for believing that..because in this world no one gives a bloody care how you reach your goal as long as you get it..the world be damned if it kills you in the process..its like just watching a part of you die to please everyone else..and there is nothing else..only your goal..only getting there..and then..then i guess the world will see and you cant be ignored anymore.. what then?"

might as well give up now and save myself the trouble..

...

if i ever had to make a speech about something concerning mommy it would go kinda like this

thank you mommy because without you i might have actually thought i was worth something


life is grand
shoot me now



soo i finally got around to mentioning kinda maybe sorta that i was eating meat again to mommy..and she decided today that i needed to be reminded of what i could and couldnt have food wise..how does that work exactly? what other guilt ridden things will i come up with doing...

and dusti doing what she likes most

disneyworld..cute pics

hmm

started writing again...

Have You ?

Have You?

have you ever just suddenly wanted something so so badly that you would do anything and everything to have it?

have you ever just wanted to be like everyone else? to be seen as being like everyone else?

have you ever just wanted to not be there, to run so very far away that everyone forgets your existence?

have you ever wondered why it is you are unable to know who you are? what you want? what you need?

have you ever wondered what was the precise moment your voice was taken? the moment you became the spot on the wall? unnoticed? unheard?

have you ever just wondered why it is you had to turn out this way? why you have to be so different? so alone?

have you ever just wondered why?

not getting any better

i really do feel stupid for always seeming like i need help to cope with anything..i dont need help..i dont want it..but i write this anyway because i have nothing else to do that wouldnt hurt in some way..i dont know how to just let feelings be feelings..i cant handle having them or feeling them or dealing with them..i just want them to go away and they dont..they stay and bother me and pick at me until all i do is think about everything i dont want to think about..everything i would rather ignore and then i end up doing someething like cutting or something..and i want to be a good person and say i want to stop all that stuff ..but that would be just a flat out lie on so many levels..i hate admitting i like it to a certain point..it gives me what a iwant..instant relief from everything..anything..i can make things go away and i know when it has..is that weird..knowing the exact momment when you find the cut that is what you needed..its not the first one though..never is a few after that maybe..and it always makes me upset when i cant get the one i want..when the relief doesnt come..and yea guess i sound really crazy..and i didnt even want to really write about cutting anyway..because i was going to be a pain and ask my doc if scratching counted as counting and if i was supposed to be using my list of distractions to stop that..but that was kinda instant yesterday..hmm unexpected and had i been able to get ahold of something sharper i would have cut..but i couldnt so i scratched and it didnt really help but it calmed me enough for me to go to work and focus and not be all jittery..

ok but back to what i was going to write about...

i have finally decided that i am getting depressed again..the step beyond just being sad about everything..its more than that..i amuse myself with thinking of suicide..not doing it or ways or anything but just suicide in general..i dont want to be at home..i dont want to be at work..i dont want to be around anyone atall really..mommys car isnt working this week and i so hope tis fixed soon because having her home all the time is making me anxious..i never know when she will decide i need to be yelled at for something and the waiting is just as bad as the actual yelling..i dont like having to change my schedule to accomadate her and my sister to take them to work and places..its like it doesnt matter that i have to work or do other stuff..its only important that i do her stuff and her errands..thats all..and i cant say no..its one of those i know better than to refuse weeks..and constantly being quizzed on everything is putting me on edge..if i get a text when tell me please why i have to tell her who its from and what it s about? why does it matter..its not hers? but she asks and asks and asks until i tell her..if im online and she is in the room she wants to know what im doing or who im talking too..its not fair its stupid..im stupid..everything is stuck in my head and i cant get it out..i dont know what im doing..i feel like crying but i cant..and yesterday night i found out for sure that my cl i work with in the evenings will be moving..i have maybe 3 weeks left with him..and ive worked with him since feb..every week m - f for the most part..i dont want him to leave..i dont know how to say goodbye..ill never see him again or his family..im happy his dad found someone and they get to move to be with her and that she does well wworking with and handling my cl but its making me so so sad..its not like i can tell the dad that i dont want them to move.that they have to stay because i want them too..thats not fair at all and i would never ever say it but that doesnt stop me from thinking it.. i dont know what im supposed to do..yea ill most likely get someone new but i dont want anyone new .i want my same cls from now until whenever..i dont want them to leave or move or out grow the program for the younger kids..i dont like changes

blah week

having a really hard week..so much is on my mind and i cant get rid of any of it ..and the more i try to work it all out the more lost it seems i am..and then mommys car isnt working and so i get to add taking her places into my schedule..it helps that henry is home but he also gets to do what he likes and has other plans and his schedule cant be messed with like mine..and im freaking working! and he is playing around visiting friends...yea thats really really fair..and so im trying to keep my temper in check but i dont like having to wake up and take everyone where they need to go at 7 in the morning and then have to work until almost 9 at night .and being unable to go back home or do anything else because it would just waste gas and gas is to expensive and uh..nope really in a good mood this week..falling behind on everything because im so tired when i get home that all i want to do is go to bed just to wake up and have to do it all over again the next day..no not thrilled at all

..sigh

ive pretended so so much that everything is ok and nothing is wrong that i dont know whats true and whats not anymore..i dont know whats real..im so used to just pushing everything away and now im being asked all these questions and stuff and i dont know what i want to believe or what i should believe..i want to go back to where everything was just there and i could ignore it and make it all go away..and i cant now and its all scary and makes me want to question everything and its so hard..

so so confused

really off day...

therapy today..therapy that left me wondering about a heck of a lot of stuff..we talked about quite a few different things but i hit shutdown/distraction mode when she started talking and asking me about you know how my past has changed me or influenced me or if i thought it had..and everything in me just yelled aand screamed for me to say yes and get it over with..i thought yes..i wanted to tell her that i thought it had effected me and i just couldnt..i couldnt actually agree and say yes..there is something very very bad about doing that..i cant do that..its wrong its bad..on some level its placing blame somewhere..its admitting that something is wrong..something was wrong..things would just change if i said yes..doesnt matter if i think it or not..because saying it is different..saying it would make it all true and i dont want that..im sure she could guess that i would say yes but i dont think she can go anywhere with it until i actually voice that yes..and i dont know if i can..i dont know what will happen..i dont know what will change but i just think or know or completely believe that something will have to change if i said that..and that is a big time scary thing.i dont know if i can do that :(

and i went today and her office was changed around and it really unsettled me..i dont know what it was about how it looked today but i wasnt ok with it at all..something about it really truly bothered me and i told her so..and when i needed to buy time to think of answers for questions i brought up random issues with her office and what not lol..and she called me on some of it but still she answered my questions all the same..and then made me go back and answer the other questions anyway..but i dont know why it was so hard today in her office..i really really i dont know..it was weird

and we talked about eye contact and it was just one of those questions that i wasnt expecting at all..and until she mentioned it i really hadnt realized i didnt have a problem with eye contact when im with kids..but with adults and stuff it is a big big promblem and i dont know why..i dont know whats behind it..like yea it makes me uncomfortable and i dont like it which ive already told her anyway but its like theres a part of it that im missing and i cant figure it out..i dont know what im looking for but i dont know what it is..and its probably the most obvious thing ever and i just dont see it..its annoying the crap out of me and making me really anxious because i want to know and i should know and i dont..i cant figure it out at all..

might as well get this out now

made it home safely..was delayed for most of the morning because of really bad weather and the ride was still bumpy as heck coming out of fla..but the trip was awesome..it was like one of those rare tripes where i can do what i want and have fnu and not have to worry about you know someone being mad at me or telling me i cant do something or have something..i was ok for most of the trip..some down times mood wise but thsoe where mostly when i was by myself or something..and other times i was just to busy to really be able to focus on anything but walking ..gosh im so so sooooooooooooooooooo tired and out of energy right now still lol..have been up since like 6 this morning though and i swear my alarm when off and i almost wanted to cry i didnt want to get up..but i did and gott up and dressed and all that fun stuff..and the trip its self was cool..i think we rode just about every ride we wanted too..some more than once and a couple like 3 times lol..riley did awesome and didnt get sick on any of them..and i saw the fireworks and the parade of lights and the parade of dreams and had breakfast with mickey and friends and it was just so very cool...i had the youngest one telling me i was her substitute mom for when her mom wasnt around and all of the kids where either passing off on holding my hand while walking or waiting in line..or harris was notorious for sitting on my lap whenever i was sitting down and asking to be picked up but that was a definite no cas it was hot and i was dead tired when he was lol..i kept telling him it wasnt gonna happen..and it was like a vacation in a way..cas there moms were to tired at the end of the day to do anything but go be bed we stayed out so late! and did so much..and i made them go to the lion king show and it rocked! and i am really really so happy i got to go..im happy they let me go and paid for me to go..we had fun. and with the delay this morning we went shoping and stuff and riley got me some of the fuzzy posters im starting to do often and he surprised me with them and it really was so sweet

and then i came home and suddenly i wasnt to happy anymore..it was like i instantly strted dreading being home as soon as i realized the trip really was over and we were heading back to dees house..i wanted to cry..i was disappointed..i wanted to go back to fla..i almost meant it when i told them they could leave me in fla..but it was when i was actually back in wilmington that all the old worried set back in..i wasnt gone anymore..it was back to work..back to responsibilites..back to everything i dont want to think about anymore..couldnt ignore it anymore.and it came back with a venegence :( it makes me feel so so guilty becuase i should want to be at home..i should want to come back and now i can still be ok..and its not like that..and it sucks..geez i dont think ive ever really wanted to come home..not as a kid or a teenager or as an adult..it has always been something to be afraid of..something to seriously fear and hate and know that it cant be avoided for too long..and like every other time..i come back and its like defenses are back in place and there is no longer any peace or quiet ..

and now mommys car isnt working and already im just waiting to have more things thrown at me for what i need to do or help with..and im trying hard not to seem rude or anything but its so hard..like instantly things go back to the way they were and its like i have to do all this extra stuff and i cant get a break at all..and its hard when i dont want to do something and cant say that..because it is different when mommys car actually isnt working at all .. i hope i can handle it..all the extra stress

but guess thats about all for updates lol..think i covered everything possible

score

well first it rocks that there is a computer and internet in my hotel room!!!! that almost is as good as riding on a jet lol..so ill get to stay a little connected at least to my email and things and that does make me feel so much better..and this will be the only time ever this will prolly happen and im enjoying it so so much..its like holy cow it will take me forever to get money to come and stay at the disney contempary resort again..but to start from the beginning..we flew to fla in a jet..a private jet no less..no lines..no security..no anything..the jet was a bit on the small side but it holds 7 ppl and the pilot..the take off was awesome and i was facing the wrong way in the plane and it felt so very very weird not being able to see where i was going correctly...but read for a little bit ...played phase 10 a bit with like 4 kids lol..and it was only about an hour and 45 mins and we landed at a airport pla ce that was once again just private and everything and it was really nice and was like a big hotel room ..and so cool being suddenly i dont know slightly rich without doing anything at all..but anyway we are in the hotel that has the monorail going through it..we went to downtown disney tonight and had dinner and just walked around..went to the lego store and just wondered around a bit...and i have a room to myself! which kinda is ..hmm ok its the coolest thingever..ive never had a room entirely to myself..i can do whatever i want..not that i have anythign to do and im tired enouguh that i do only want to go to bed lol..but still its really really cool and now ill stop saying that

always a but

you look nice but
you did a good job but
you lost weight but

but but but but ..theres always a but..its never just good enough as it is..i suck

off to disney world

we leave tomorrow afternoon for disney world.. and i have to admit im getting a little excited..helps that im not paying for it but still excited all the same..packed tonight and will have to do cleaning and stuff in the morning..not up for it tonight..

maybe the trip will help me clear my head..i hope so..given it is a sort of a break..all ive been trying to do lately is find a way to get away..so maybe this will have to be the break i need/want..and then ill worry about next week when it gets here..or try too

oh well..not much to write about right now!

and now for the second part

this one i will have to work on a little at a time..my thoughts have slowed at least and now all the little pieces i missed in the last post are coming up in a way..

my life is a bit of a joke in some ways..i wake up, live in some sort of way, work, watch mindless tv, and go to bed to do it all over again the next day and the next day and the next..my life is ruled by whether or not i have the approval of mommy..that dictates my day..that dictates what i can or cant expect to happen..

i get afraid of changes..making changes..and then start to resist everything..good or bad..i dont know what to trust most of the time..i get so sad and dont know the reasons behind it..im unable to talk myself happy..i cant listen to myself..i can go away if i so choose when ever i want too..sometimes it feels like there so much inside of me that ill just explode if it doesnt come out some way..maybe thats why i cut and do all that stuff..

actually..hmm not feeling ok enough to finish this for now..will have to come back to it..
sorry

rant..

ok so therapy wakes up my head in the worst of ways..right up until its time for me to go aback and then i cant think of anything to say! god but as soon as im out of her office then its like jabber city in my head and im thinking of a million different things..and its such a pain in the butt..

but today well we talked about a lot of stuff but i realized after i left thats it not therapy in particular that i dont like..i dont like that im a social worker and can be trusted to go out and freaking help someone else and be supportive and caring and understanding and all that good stuff and its like when it comes to myself its like none of that matters any more..i cant analyze myself..i cant do anything for myself in that aspect and i hate that i have to go and have someone else help me when i should be able to do it by myself and not need someone else to point stuff out to me because i cant freaking see whats happening right in front of me..geez ive already done all this self reflection and self awareness..i suffered and hated having to do all of that but i did it and then never looked at it again ..but my teachers knew i had a hard time doing it and that it killed me to get it done and be as honest as possible and sane while writing it and trying so hard not to give any thing away..and its so frustrating..it shouldnt be like this..i should be able to do this by myself and i freaking cant..im a failure

geez how has my past effected me..i cant trust my own opinion..i always expect someone else to come along and do it better or tell me i did it wrong or yell at me about something..i cant stand to be asked what i want to do because i wonder why anyone would care what it is i think or want..i dont expect to be listened too..i dont expect to be noticed or wanted or cared for..i hate cleaning..i wait till the last minute to get things done..i feel guilty for wanting to do anything that doesnt involve anyone else..i dont like being called selfish or lazy..i don't consider myself to be good enough for anything...im not good enough..because im told im not good enough..i cant not go home ..even if i know ill be miserable and suicidal there.. i have to go because im expected to go..because thats what im supposed to do..i follow the rules to a fault and most of the time i dont even know what the rules are..i just know its something i have to do..or something im not supposed to do because it will cause trouble..or ill be in trouble..i cant speak up for myself because being noticed is just not a good thing..i cant have anyone walking behind me and not being able to see them..which made school a pain in the butt some days..i cant be touched by someone i don't know..even if its just on my arm or something..it took a couple of my teachers my entire time in the program before i would let them give me a hug when i went to see them..didn't really matter if i wanted one or not because i couldn't be touched and didn't like it at all..but somewhere in all of there asking i realized they were ok and wouldn't hurt me..took my old therapist all 5 years or so that i saw her.. i cant say whats on my mind..never the first thing anyway.. i have to think everything through from every possible angle..so i know what to expect..i have to watch more than talk because talking just leads to trouble..if im not noticed then thats still a good thing..my self worth/value depends on what others think of me and not the other way around..i have a hard time accepting compliments because i wonder who is lying to me and who isn't..i cant handle conflict..i cut, i burn, i starve, i b/p, geez i wonder if i would be blamed for killing myself if i 'accidentally' crashed my car into something..i cant kill myself because i wonder whether or not ill be able to go through with it and have it work..cas if it doesn't work and im saved then there will be hell to pay for trying..sometimes i want to run away from my life because i hate it so much...my thoughts race and i can give my a panic attack if i stress about some things way way to much, i hate being in a room thats completely dark sometimes..i don't remember anything..theres a part of me that refuses to grow and still seeks approval with a vengeance..i hate being told what to do..or what i should do from other ppl ( cause i do it all the time to myself) ..im ashamed of myself for my scars..im ashamed of who i am..i hate myself because i have too..because on some level thats what i think im told to do..if your told to always change then well theres something wrong with you that cant be fixed..so no im not good enough..i have to be everyone else..i have to keep everyone else happy..

blah..just lots of stuff..i dont know..so funny how i couldnt get my head together enough to tell her any of this..maybe ill just save myself the trouble and just take this next time..havent decided yet..kinda anxious about it all now..like that eventually someone will find out the whole story and (if anyone does then i would really like to be clued in on what has gone on with my life! PLEASE) then i just dont know..really dont

so what

god why do ppl always have to concern themselves with what i do or dont do..or what i eat ..or what i wear ..or how i look..what ever happened to me being old enough to do what i wanted to do without anyone else being able to say something about it? its not fair at all..my choice to call in sick today..my choice because its my job..my hours im not getting paid for..god i thought and worried about it all morning before finally deciding to call in the first place..because yvonne was here because tomorrow i have to be at riley and harris's house..becuase i have to do paperwork..because there were fraking things i needed to do and didnt have the time if i had to work today..ive gone to work sick ..i dont just miss days every week for the hell of it! god i have more sense than that..and i wouldnt just miss days because i dont want to go to work..that would be stupid.. that would end up with me losing my job .. so why would i do that? but why must everyone make comments about why im not at work? what concern is it of anyone else..im not asking for money to pay anything..ive worked my butt off these past couple months to make sure i would be able to pay bills and if i couldnt then i did when i had the extra money..geez i felt guilty wnough doing it in the first place..worrying about if they were going to be mad at me..or something..and i talked it over with yvonne and she didnt add pressure or anything at all..i told her i couldnt decide and she made me figure out what i had to do..and we spent the morning together..she came yesterday and spent the night since i couldnt go up there to see her..and we did dinner and watched movies at home and i got her a bday present of sorts..and we went out this morning and did some stuff and now im home again and she has headed back to school and im getting ready to do paperwork..no im not wasting the day in bed or anything..its so stupid..

and im probably over reacting in the first place..wasnt in the best of moods anyway from shopping for clothes this morning...everything is sleeveless or cut to low and i cant wear them..i could scream im so upset and annoyed over it..i mean its like a glaring sign pointed at me saying ive =been stupid and pretty much destroyed my body and it cant be fixed..and it is all my fault..and so i shouldnt be disappointed or hurt or anything but that doesnt stop it...went a few places and looked around and it was depressing on so many levels because i can only shop for certain things..and i have also been really really stupid and gained weight in the past year and that makes it harder to find clothes too..and it was all just to much today..and it just all turned into a big i hate you day..god if i could jump out of my skin i would just to get away from myself for a while..

a little worried

just because i was bored and didnt want to clean up i checked my blood pressure with riley and harris's dads thing..and it was highish..i really for the life of me cant remember the last time i went to the doctor and im not going now either..but i am worried a bit..my eating goes up and down so much ..not the healthiest either..i dont know i guess it would be stupid to say i dont want to be healthier..the question is i guess do i want to put the effort into it..i mean yea i want to do but i dont want to have to have a heart attack to do it. so i dont know..i dont want to have to take meds for it again..already done that once and stopped without a docs approval anyway..prolly not the brightest idea ive ever had either...hmm lots to think about though

life of late

kinda down right now..have been sense yesterday..( had to rethink about if it was saturday yet) but i mean i had planned on going to greenville this weekend to hang out with yvonne..before she left for the summer ..so we could do something for her birthday..and i had told mommy already..i told her i wanted to go and then i even ended up with a little extra money so i could go..only to be told yesterday that im needed to help riley with something.and i have to babysit him this weekend...mommy knew..i had told her ..and she didnt tell dee when she was talking about all this stuff..and them mommy tells me and its like oh well if it was me i would reschedule going out of town and stay here to babysit..yea well you would think that cas its always about money..not really about what i want..and so my plans get changed..and it st ill sucks..a full 24hrs later it sucks and im stuck at home and i really really needed to get away for the weekend...no i dont blame anyone i guess..i just wish i could have been able to say nope i have plans already cant babysit..but i felt to guilty..like i would have just left them all hanging or something..and then im just disappointed big time about it and all it cant be changed now..i just wanted to yell and scream yesterday when i found out about everything but i was at work..even considered cutting..but couldnt do that at work :( so just stayed dissapointed...but by this morning the disappointed had changed into no one likes you..no one cares..your not important..no idea how it changed..when the shift happened or even really why..but i thought about it this morning when i noticed it and couldnt really figure it out..i thought about it because im supposed to be trying to make a list to use to distract myself again from cutting..i did it twice week before last..wondering when my next meltdown will happen and ill do it again? im suppsoed to have the list incase..but then im still going back and forth between whether or not i even want the stupid thing..but i ended up making a deal with the doc about it.and she is going to keep tabs for me kinda..because i told her i couldnt do it by myself and be expected to stick to it or not stick to it .. so good or bad i still have to talk about it in some form or fashion..maybe it will help again..having someone else keep tabs for a while..dont know..but guess thats all

hmm looked for pictures for collages though..this morning when i was really scattered..it helped..so far i have 3 small ones..and in the process of another one..and i have one planned that i just havent had time to put together..so ill have to work on those..it gives me something to do when i run out of ideas..and its tedious enough that it does work as a distraction..guess ill be adding that one to my list..