blah

feeling mostly annoyed and anxious right now..completely annoyed that somenoe has been taking stuff out of my room while im not at home..all i have is a room and no one seems to respect that at all..hardish time over the weekend with feeling alone and being at work and just everything really..picking at my arm too..has been a long time since ive had scars to really pick at..and gave in last night as was picking at them for a while..tired and cranky..but once again because im stupid ill be up all night doing paperwork to turn in tomorrow..its going to be a long day and a stressful week ... oh and to make it even better.. its actually over $50 to fill up my gas tank...and if i get gas twice a week...yea..not to happy right now

im such a spazz

major alone feeling today..and as i wrote that i realized i could have worded it so much better..but basically just felt really alone today..not lonely either..but completely and utterly alone with everything..and its not a good feeling at all

but as i was writing an email a min ago..i realized something has been worrying me..and a lot of it has to do with trust..but i dont know how to really approach the topic either..i dont trust quickly at all.. i mean it takes me forever and ever to learn to trust someone..and its really hard..but with the new doc its like i keep going back and forth..im not sure yet how much i trust her..i want to i really do but something is really stopping me..i do try to talk and have brought up cutting..but then i zone out a lot when she is talking and its hard to focus on what im being told..but i go darn it..and that should be enough but its not...and it makes me feel stupid and really really childish to want to figure out what makes the doc tick...maybe im just looking to be flat out told to stop or that enough..-ok i really am a spazz- i need her to tell me what my boundaries are with her..without me having to ask..and if im being a pain in the butt..well as much of a pain as i can get away with then she would have to let me know when ive gone to far..she would have to tell me to stop and then explain it all to me..and i wont have to ask..does that seem stupid? i cant come right out and ask..i cant really let her know completely that i dont know anything when it comes to boundaries..but i want them..i need to have someone else put them in place though..and i think thats part of why i was so upset about having to cancel and then reschedule my appt..all ive been thinking about is talking to her and talking about cutting because i want to for some reason..but im not sure how far i can go with it and so im not sure whats ok and whats not to tell her...hmmm i dont know

i dont fit in anywhere...

mood kinda dropped a bit since this morning..was having one of my ok days..and im sure it prolly had something to do with that my arm is hurting so much i dont what to think about it..but its like i cant complain either..my pain...i did it..so suffer in silence..yet again .. and i really have no idea how it is ppl cant feel my scars through my shirt when they touch my upper arm? most of the time i end up jerking away anyway but when i dont..i wonder why no one asks..but anyway..was just thinking today ..well tonight that i dont fit in..and i keep looking for a place to belong and i cant seem to find it..i dont even know how to describe what im looking for..how will i know if i find it? how ill i know if i never find it? i just want a place to be myself..completely..regardless of everything..i want to be able to walk around in a tank top if i want too..or to wear shorts..and not have to worry about getting funny looks because of all the scars..i want to be able to say im having a crummy day and have someone tell me it will be ok..or to cry and not be laughed at..or to be able to talk without being afraid..safety..love..understanding..caring..i want all of it..and cant find it...im just alone ...

hmm

well incase i havent said it in a while..therapy is a pain in the butt

hmm other than that things are i dont know..could be better could be worse...i move my arm and the pain reminds me of what i did..i dont know really if im disappointed in myself or not you know..its just i freaked out big time monday night..and having to drive home in a hail storm did not make me feel the slightest bit better..and then i get home and need to concentrate on work stuff and just realize that my journal is missing..the newest one that i had been writing in..and with me and my memory issues i freaked out and looked everywhere i could think of and couldnt find it..freaked even more trying to remember what i had written about...cas mommy has read my journals before and i got in a lot of trouble and i stopped writing for the longest time...and i just kept thinking i would be dead if she read it..but im still worried ..i must have left it downstairs for a few days and didnt even realize it..didnt realize it was gone..and i had to calm down..cut my arm a lot..havent done the upper part of my arm in forever and it was like saying hi to an old friend..ok really bad way to describe that but thats really kinda like it was...i have really missed doing my arm..and to make it worse im now paranoid that mommy will find out..and pull up my sleeve and ill just be in even more trouble ..

but i talked about it some in therapy without of course mentioning i had done it the night before..and im a little shocked that i said it was worth it.. that i would take the hour of calmness that cutting brings..that it was worth it to cut so i could have that calmness..its like i staked my claim on being crazy on tuesday..thinking about it now i wonder why i didnt lie..or come up with something else..darn me for actually trying to talk and understand and be heard..funny i dont often consider lying when it comes to therapy and what not..i may not answer stuff but i rarely out right lie about stuff..takes more energy and time and dedication to not talk in the first place..but oh well..im sure ill have too figure it out at some point..

but on to other stuff...work is work..some days stressful..some days a lot of fun..im for sure going to disney world and have my own room in the resort! that rocks :) :) and im so excited about that..given im sure ill see more of riley and harris but ill still have my own room! and that rocks! and i get to ride on there private plane which rocks too...weather has been sucky..and guess thats about all

you know..

maybe coming home had its benefits..how ever slim and farfetching they may be..i have to wonder if things would have turned out different if i was still currently living on my own..well yea..id be able to do whatever i wanted without worrying about having to explain myself and what ive done..i wouldnt hate coming home..but on the other side i would also be still struggling more than i am now iwth money and getting things paid..yea its still a struggle but i know i have enough to pay my immediate bills and have a little left over..to do other stuff with..but being home also means i have to put up with everything from everyone else and in a way learn what it is that bothers me so much..and its either work on it now or leave it all alone until i really do crack under the pressure so to speak..and i did crack a bit the other week and things really truly sucked big time..but that also meant i had to think about it and all that came with it you know..maybe this is the place to learn about standing up for myself and doing what i have to inorder to take care of myself..its not gonna happen tomorrow..but it will one day..and i hope that in the time im at home..god i hope im gone by next summer..but i hope ill be able to figure things out..have to have some place to get my priorities in order.and if i had to choose i certainly wouldnt choose doing it at home..but i guess thats just how things work out...if i wasnt home and constantly on the verge of backing down i wouldnt have managed to talk myself into going back to therapy in the first place..and thats as good a starting place as any!!?!

really truly thinking

everyone run for cover..i think the world may end..im more postive than ive been in forever

the past few weeks have been really hard yea..im not going to go and complain about it all again now ..been there..done that..but yea it was hard ..and then the other night i was thinking about something that i cant seem to remember now but it was along the lines of being ok with myself..and then it went away again..and then today i was just randomly reading a fitness magazine..cas i do every so often just for the heck of it..and i started thinking again about how i should want to do stuff for me not for anyone else yes scary i know lol..i heard the quote umm "be the change you want to see in the world" a million times doing my last couple college years..i think it was the motto for the social work dept..but i heard it a lot and never really took it to heart or anything it had turned into something to say..but then i left and havent tthought about it in forever?! and then today all of a sudden its in my head again..and its like holy cow where did that come from..sometimes i think its more tiring being so sad all the time..and im sad most of the time about a million different things..shoot sometimes im just sad and i have no idea why...maybe it is time to start working harder and getting things done..maybe i should put more effort into making time to do stuff i like whatever that may be and i mean big stuff not the little stuff either..haha i should write a self help book

its funny in a way cas i guess its just so very easy to get caught up in everything i dont have or cant do or dont want to do..but i think im ready to be heard you know..which means ill have to give up some control and im not sure im rady for that..what would happen if i really truly talked? would the world really end? would i go to hell? would i drop dead on the spot for talking about something that happened years ago? how come the fear doesnt go away...some how it has been worked out inside and its like all the hard stuff is just surrounded by fear..that if i say anything then something really bad would happen..what i dont know..i dont think anyone really knows..but just that it would be bad and should be avoided at all costs..so everything stays inside..and just builds and builds..and things get hard at home and i fall apart just to be put quickly back together again so no one will know..i feel stupid saying i dont know how to talk but i dont..i can put words into a sentence..i can talkabout all the little stuff..but ask about the scars on my arm and i forget how to utter every single word i know..thoughts still run through my head but nothing is coming out..ask me about being a kid and i cant come up with anything..it doesnt make sense..what do i have to do ?!? sit at the wall that blocks everything out and start picking at it until i get something? anything to come back? i say i want to know but do i really? but if i dont start somewhere will i always be so up and down ? so unsettled in everything? afraid of everything? and whats to say i wont change my mind tomorrow and not want to know anything anymore? what if im ok being sad and upset and not knowing why..but on some level i know thats not true either..i hate not knowing the why behind stuff..i hate not being able to remember..but im just afraid to know the truth

just wanted to note

...tonight while i was talking to myself on the drive home..it was on the tip of my tongue to say that i didnt need anyone else to determine my self worth..i wanted to say it and it wasnt that i was afraid of saying ..more of i was afraid of what it implies..but maybe one of these days i will be ok with liking myself..yep one of these days i will



..shocking only because normally im so comfortable with hating myself and not really putting much effort into it at all..but tonight it was the oppisiite..i want to like myself i do..i want to figure out what makes me happy..that was my other talking to myself topic tonight lol..heck i can talk abuot a lot of stuff in 30 mins trying to stay awake enough to drive home!

thinking about a lot to say the least!

im ok

words hurt...a lot of the time i hate what im being told..doesnt matter who its coming from you know..it all depends on who is saying it and the meaning they want to come across..last weekend in a group im in i was asked to help with something and i did and the other person just got really upset and said a bunch of really hurtful things..didnt matter that i was reading it..and i was under the impression that i was being helpful and not messing everything up..but it wasnt like that ..and i ended up really hurt and upset and pissed off big time..because once again no one tells me what they are really thinking..and once again i just felt they were sorry because i say it and called them on it before they wanted me too..and it was just your not sorry you did it..your sorry your caught..just like everyone else ive ever had this happen with..im not stupid and im not a child..i may be quiet and let a lot of things get by me but sometimes i dont let that happen..and i listened to all the apoligizes and invites to tell me i was welcome to stay in the group..and i just wanted to tell her to leave me the hell alone..but i stuck to my choice to wait a week..and calm down and really think about what happened and why and what i thought about it..and its like i did it..i had my chance to vent and yell in a journal..i worried and stressed and wondered about it..and i still said the occasional hi to them in other places..and then today i started posting just a little bit ..and it wasnt the same..i realized i wasnt ok with being there anymore..no matter how much i wanted to stay..i just wasnt ok with being there and knowing about the staff board and knowing what was written about me and not being able to see it or have access to it..im paranoid enough..i dont need help..and not from a place that is supposed to offer support you know..im not setting myself up to always be left wondering if im doing something wrong..i have that at home i dont need it online too..maybe i was so desperate to be validated and accepted that i shared more than i should have and opened up to fast and so i ended up hurt because i trusted them..i trusted that it was safe to talk and ok to talk..and it turned out that it wasnt...and i had to realize that ..and not force myself to stay..and i sent them a message..letting them know rather politely why it was i couldnt stay..and im ok with it..im ok with how i did it..im not proud of myself or anything..but just ok..i stood up for myself..i said what i was thinking..and i cant control there reactions..i just have to remember that

oh yeah

topic of the day...resistance and priorities..i knew i was forgetting to do something lol

so i was advised to think on why i resist good stuff so much *insert rolled eyes here please* because i really just want to tell her that she hasnt even begun to touch on my real resistance..geez im not trying to brag but good grief if i had to be good at something then resistance it is .. i find it funny really because most ppl have no real idea in the first place..and the few who do stop questioning after a while i suppose..i find it comforting to know on some levels that there is no one really who can hold out against all of it..i don't expect anyone to hold out through all of it..maybe thats it..if i don't expect it then i cant be disappointed when they leave or give up ... heck i resist myself to a point! but anyway..why resist the good stuff..well the most basic and straightforward answer would be because i know i dont deserve it..because i haven't earned the right to be told im good at anything or told anything good about myself..why when im told every other day that i suck and im not good enough..who should i believe..mommy or everyone else?? because im so used to being told whats wrong with me that i cant trust that someone else is telling me the truth..like what have i done to earn anyones love or good comments?? why would anyone waste there time and energy on making me feel better about something? so yea i resist because i dont want to be lied too..i dont want to be laughed at..yes i would rather be told i suck than im nice or good or something..hmm guess thats depressing in a way..

now for priorities..for the life of me i cant figure mine out..i mean what am i doing with my life..all i do is work work work..when i can .. i do collages..or read or update my journal..or color..or something small that i can do and not be interrupted with..and thats mostly done at night when im by myself ..but besides all that what am i doing ..what do i want out of life im guessing..or even jut want do i want out of myself here..right now?? do i even have goals anymore ?? do i have anything to work towards at all ? still need to think about this one

keep looking at this and being unable to come up with anything at all to say..lots going on in my head but as soon as i think about writing it all goes away again..

im really tired..havent been sleeping to good the past couple nights..


had a puppy today for like 30 mins before it ran away ..ugh are yard is not closed in at home and so just tying the scared puppy to the pole and leaving was not a good idea but she couldnt go in the house either..im sad she ran away and i couldnt keep her..i hope she is safe because we live in the county kinda and cars speed down that road and a lot of animals end up getting hit..but still hoping a little she will find her way back..she let me pet her though..and she sat still for me and that was nice...

work was stressful today..and thats all im saying on that one ..

but yea..mostly just to tired for my own good

ive picked the heck out of my fingers..i dont know why i kept at it even after i made most of them bleeding..i still kept picking and then it was just like hooly crap..i shouldnt have done that..and i really shouldnt have but i cant magically make my fingers all better..ill be lucky if they dont get infected..i need to cut my fingernails and maybe that will help..

tired..another night of being so sidetracked and putting off paperwork..i suck

the internet

getting hurt online hurts just as bad as if i was standing in a room with someone..just because im a million miles away and wont see you tomrrow means absouletly nothing..im not a robot here..im not pretending..im not a child..but i will not pretend either that what was said wasnt true or hurtful or anything..what exactly would you expect someone to think??

i wake up and wonder why it is im not dead yet still..wonder why it is i still am thinking and dreaming and worrying..why cant i succeed at just one thing..but why must i want to be good at dying? what sense does that make at all?? oh i dont know..my head has been confusing lately..i dont know what i want anymore but then i do know what i want but i dont know how to get it..i hate everything right now..i dont want to really do anything at all..still a struggle to get by..i dont want to be around mommy but i have to.i dont want to be around anyone really..serious touch issues right now..feel so unheard..but how can i be heard if i dont speak? who listens to me? no one? anyone? no..no one listens to me..why should i speak..i have nothing to say..ill never have anything to say..

during the play therapy thing the other night the lady talked about how one of the her cls told her once that his anger went all the way up to god..seriously that is a lot of anger but i wonder then..how big is my anger and what do i do with it? it seems silly to even have to ask how big my anger is because i want to say i dont get mad..but i do get mad and then i push it all away until im not mad anymore..or i just get so mad i cant sit still or do anything and i have to cut to make it go away or purge to make it go away..but it never really goes anywhere does it? how do you let out anger and know its gone for good? ? my anger just grows..forever and ever it will just grow..until it runs out of space i suppose..

i suppose things are getting back into some sort of order..and going to the play therapy thing last night did help..but even with that and everything i know things are still really close to be pushed over again..or i guess it would be better to say im really close to being pushed over again..but trying hard to be ok enough to get by for now..not to pleased with my actions of late but i wont get into all of that because its not to bad or anything and the scars wont be noticed..so its just another day right..things cant really get any worse right now..and its just ive stopped bothering to do anything with my time..instead i just wait becuase ive learned more this past week that it really doesnt matter what i have planned..because if im needed to do something else then screw my schedule..because it doesnt matter anyway..i freak out because im trying to fit everything in but no one else really cares at all as long as i make time for them and to do stuff for them..so much for having time to take abreak this week..i really needed that break and instead i just got more and more stuff added on that i still needed to do..and because of it all ive been late for work and stuff..im told family comes first..but it seems im the only one in the family that doesnt really matter as much

still sad..still upset..but not suicidal anymore for now at least..struggling..and back to being really quiet..

but for other stuff

last night i went to play therapy overview kinda for my job..it was one of those continuing education things that some jobs 'heavly reccomend' that you do last night was the play therapy one and i was signed up because i well like working with kids..and the stuff we did was really cool..wished i had been in a better space to try more of them but watching was cool too..

but ive decided..im going back to school be a play therapist i could never come up with an answer when i was asked and it was just yea im planning to get my masters i just couldnt deicide what i wanted it to be in or where i wanted to go..so now ive decided lol..and still dont know where to go but its something

at least i got out of bed

my head is quieter today..but still all over the place..i still have a headache..still feel id ont know really dejected about everything and nothing..all the self critiscm just refuses to stop right now and gee i have a lot..hmm maybe it would be better to say im not really feeling anything at all..im doing enough to go to work and do my job but even then i can zone out just a bit there too...i have some class thing i have to take and i hope i make it to it..all ireally want to do right now is go back to bed and forget im still breathing..wondering when mommy is going to call to tell me what extra stuff to do today..and i have to keep reminding myself not to argue about it cas i always lose anyway..already thinking of what i can move around to give more time to her..all i do is plan and replan in my head lately..running commentary of everything i need to do, have to do, want to do, and even dont want to do..constantly changing and moving things to make time for someone else..my arm doesnt hurt anymore either..i want to cut..wanted to cut last night again but i didnt..cleaned instead..want to cut today and i probably will at some point..just to make things stop for a bit so i can focus enough to get ready to go to work..because already im gonna be late if i dont leave in like 20 mins..and i wont be ready in 20 min so its just another thing to had to my list of failures..you know it is suddenly so much easier to see every measly thing ive failed out when i have someone pointing them out to me so i know what to look for again..it was stupid of me to think things would be ok at home..really was..

its as if

it feels like my head has crack and every single thought i have is trying hard to come out and claim its spot..every silly or mean or annoying or bad thought ..not good stuff cas im not in a good mood right now but all the other stuff..just random comments and thoughts and i cant seem to get rid of them at all

i really need to calm down..but i cant..i feel to scattered to really do anything or be any good to anyone..i guess ill be ok tomorrow..more like i hope ill be ok but the way my head is right now im really not holding my breathe any..it feels like ive just broken into a million little pieces and im waiting for someone to glue me back together because i cant seem to do it..

cutting didnt really help this time..but i was in a rush when i did it..all im thinking about is cutting and eating and then not eating but still cutting and none of it freakin helps..i dont know what i want to do at all but it doesnt involve going home..but i can only brag my feet for so long over here..ill have to go home eventually and tomorrow it will all start over again..

why dont i just make it easier and keep of list of whts wrong with me so that no one will have to keep telling me..yes i know im stupid and mean ive been told that a million times..it makes no difference really what i think anyway..

how is it possible for me to offer my help and do everything im asked and still its just not enough..i dont know why i bothered getting a job anyway..it doesnt matter at all because it just cuts into the time i have to devote to everyone else..ohw stupid of me to go and try to work and keep my own bills paid and then offer to help with other stuff..how stupid of me to not put family first..because that is what is expected of me..that is what im told..how could i not devote my time to doing things for my brothers and sisters instead of getting to work on time or anything else? im sorry i dont do enough ok. im sorry i even bothered to think i was doing enough. im just sorry for being here

how

please tell me hos its possible that i was supposed to be getting time off this week to just catch up and do some stuff i wanted to do..and yet im busier this week than i was last week when i had my usual cl work..god i dont need anymore freakin free time..i cant seem to keep what i have..and it so annoying that i say im going to use the time to just do other stuff and as soon as mommy found out i wasnt working as much its turned into i need you to do this and this and this and im so stressed out right now i dont know what to do because all my free time is being used running errands all over the place and i cant do all of that and what im expected to do and i cant even say no to anything now..because i was trying ot be nice and telling mommy i would help becuase she is working extra this week and she hurt her ankle last week and i was trying to be helpful and not argue and so i said i would help some but now its like i have to do all this stuff and well to bad if i end up being late to work because i have to take nia to work..i have to be at work at 1 i have to go and pick up nia at 12 to drive her a half hour out of the way of everything and then turn back around and hope traffic isnt so bad and i can even get to work on time..and then all the extra paperwork im still catching up on and not being able to sleep without nightmares..got five hours off and on last night and stayed up doing paperwork until i fell asleep at my comp only to wake up this morning to finish it enough to turn it in and then ended up meeting with my supervisor this morning while i was there an they are coming out to my job and i had to take someone some place for mommy and so now i have enough time to put on clean clothes and run back out to take nia and go to work and after work i have to go to the library because i have books out and then i may or may not have to go help mommy at work and tomorrow im busy all day with work stuff but im sure somehow mommy will get some time out of me and then friday i alraedy know im babysitting and thats when they come back from there trip and i have to go over there and will prolly be there all weekend again..just like every other weekend of my miserable existence..so no i dont freaking need anymore free time i cant keep the time i have and everyone else is more freakin important than i am so im expected to just drop everything else to do what someone else wants..i want this week to be over right now

i feel like my head is going to crack..all ive been doing is constantly going over what i have to do and what time i have to be places and then having to go back and change stuff and try to add more stuff and wondering why in the hell there are only 24 hours in a day..whos bright idea was that because obviously i need at least 30 to even begin to handle everything i need to get done..

trying hard

so its monday..back to work..back to everything i put off all weekend. trying really hard to get some sort of schedule for work paperwork going..i actually moved all of my computer stuff downstairs cas working in my room just took to long cas the tvs right there and all my movies and i can never stay on task..at least in the den im in the back of the room and its just my comp right there and its easier to focus for longer periods of time..and i managed almost 2 hours before i let myself take a break...still have a bunch of work to do but ill work for a bit longer and then ill have to finish later on when im done at work and after running a few errands..and then it will be back to work on paperwork stuff..i mean i do have to admit that not doing it all in my bedroom does help..i always laugh when i read that youknow your supposed to keep your bed room for just sleeping and its like umm i think i do everything but sleeping in my room lol..gosh its just my room is the only place i really have at home and so i do everything in there and thats why there are always things to distract me..and it does help that i have a meeting this morning with my supervisor to yet again get help on one set of my notes..its a pain in the butt and i really could just slap myself for not saving the last ones because now i have to retape a weeks worth of two sets of notes to redo them..and that bites big time! but guess i better get going

just aggravated

anxious a bit ..but mostly just pissed off and now a bit sad..funny how after anger comes saddness..maybe i just skip the anger part and go straight to sad..i dont know..but its just they were fighting downstairs and mommy is freaking out and still in a seriously pissed off mood in that they actually fought in the house..but they knocked junk over and thankfully nothing was broken..but john john was nice enough to apoligize and help me clean the mess up..and montrell just keeps going on and on about it and yelling about all this stuff that doesnt matter..

and makes me mad that he is constantly looking to blame someone else for what he did..and then when he is confronted about it he lies and denies it and its like damn you i just watched you do this or no one else was home so who did it? and he still lies and swears his innocence..god how many times as a kid was i hit for something he did? how many times now did i ask mommy not to let him come back and stay..and still he is here..its like why do i bother trying at all about some stuff you know..

no i didnt have the perfect childhood..yea it owuld be nice if i could remember any of it..but no it wasnt perfect..yes i have a lot of issues now..but no i am not blaming someone else for the stuff i do..god im sure mommy would be pleased if i said someone else cut me instead of her having to deal with me doing it..but i dont ..some things theres just no point in lying about..and its like the things i do and the things i think dont have to define who i am..i dont go looking for pity or want someone to feel sorry for me..i dont talk for that reason and i can feel sorry enough for myself for everyone..but i guess when it comes down to it i dont have to be defined by what ive been dx'd with..i just happen to be me and all of my other stuff i just have to deal with and id say that i do ok most of the time..some days im so off the wall i dont know what to do with myself but then eventally it goes away for a bit..i hate that ppl use dx's as excuses or what happened to them as excuses..it makes it harder i guess for the ppl who really try to make something of there lives regardless of everything..

blah

no matter how much i sleep lately im always tired


again

tonight

i had to take a recert class for restraint training tonight..and i was stressing over it a lot..but im done with it already..and as much as i hate to say it ..the class was a little disappointing..maybe its because i have already had to use restraints..ive had to talk kids down from going all over the place..and i have watched an 8 yr old kid completely beat up a 4yr old because he wanted too and could..i dont like doing it but i guess i trust that i can if i had too...and the restraint classes i had to take at my old job were seriously hard core restraints..the lady running it could have u on the ground in a minute flat..didnt matter how big you were..and looks can be deceiving cas the lady was as big around as a pencil but she knew her restraints and she taught them well..we had to really fight to get out of her holds and even the holds we practied on each other..more so why i hated it..cas i couldnt get out of some of them without seriosuly trying..and tonights class was ok..it did the basics and i know it was a recert but i just dont know..its like it was sugar coated a little bit..i was really surprised that i was the only one ther not counting the instructor that had even used a restraint..a real one..oh well maybe its not a big deal..im not worried much about having to use them with the cl's i have now..maybe im just in a complaining mood...i dont know..but im glad its over and done with for another year!

more free time than usual today and a lot of back and forth to home and other places..have to do some rewrites for work and that is just annoying the crap out of me..im barely keeping up with what i have to do for the week and i hate having to add on more to redo..ugh...gonna have to actually set aside time to work on them..and have them explained to me yet again..stupid me cant seem to get the hang of them..

another day

im not sad..but im not happy either..reallyy tired though..funny how i get 4 hours of sleep monday night and im up all day and barely feel tired but last night i got 7 or so hours and i feel like im going to fall asleep at any minute.. tomorrow im working much later and i dont have to go in friday evening..so i am excited about that..im done with work on friday at 3 and that doeesnt happen to often at all! but that also menats im working until 8:30 tomorrow night which i dont mind at all..ill just have to keep myself busy though lol...and tonight im not working either becuase i have pri training to do..not looking forward to it at all..i hate doing the restraints..but i have to have the training ..blah..so im just hoping it really doesnt go all the way to 9!but otherwise ..things in the world of work are alright..sometimes stressful..most of the time a lot of fun though..i mean really thinking about my job is like getting to play for 6hours .. who else can have a job description that says they are getting paid to color or watch movies, or go to the library and the park?! i mean im not complaining i do like my job ..its just that i realized the other day that i like my job because its easy..its not challenging in the slightest..i know my job..i can do my job and im ok with that for now..but it just feels like anyone could do this you know..given im also working with the babies and i do need my degree for that but the other ones its like i dont know..but for my schedule i do like the hours and that i have the freedom to change them around..i can handle not having benefits..just gotta stop getting sick..towards the end of this month i should be figuring out what my actually steady paycheck will be and that will help with bills and getting things paid you know..managing a bit with therapy and setting aside money for that..once i know what my paychecks will be i guess ill have to put some real effort into making and sticking to a budget! gotta chill on the impluse buys lol..rats for really wanting a new movie or cd or something..so lots of different stuff to work on ..really want to start saving but gas is killing me and for now im still stuck borrowing from mommy to keep gas in my tank..seriously its like 80 bucks a week in gas..totals to over 300 a month for gas and its a pain in the butt! and there are other things i want to do too..like i figured out i have to celebrate yvonnes birthday with her before her actually birthday cas she isnt going to be here this summer..and i want to find her something good for her birthday and figure out what her schedule is like around the first of may..and im still waiting on the final word of if im going to disneyworld or not..and a bit worried cas coming back from cali seriously killed my mood..dont really know why..i just had a really hard time adjusting back..and it really sucked..this trip wouldnt be that long but still ..a bit worried..

i find it funny that i need outside regulators to stabilize my mood..i cant do it by myself..i feel like a failure because i cant do it by myself..yet i cant say therapy doesnt help at least a little..heck im sure if i went and just stared at the floor for an hour i would swear i felt better..but then i hate talking so i find staring at the floor to be very helpful lol..doesnt take much to please me..went yesterday and am thinking about a lot of stuff from that..but still processing all of that i think...got the suggestion to write down you know what it is i think about myself..kidna what i hear in my head and do a negative and positive list..and just cas im curious i do actually plan on doing that..dont know yet if im going to show it to the doc or not but ill do it..cas now i want to know..i thought about it a little yesterday and had like a bunch of things on the bad side and like 2 on the good side..not really balanced there you know..so going to give it a bit of thought but it still is really hard figuring out the good stuff through all the not so good stuff..and bad stuff wins out every single time...

hmmm went out to dinner last night with mommy and nia and montrell and actually ordered something new..had a veggie burger with pineapple slices and teriyaki sauce.. was pretty good ..not something i would usually order but decided i was a bit sick of the reg veggie burgers..it was killer messy though lol ..still having ttrouble deciding if im going to stick with being vegetarian or not..i keep saying yes..then changing it and saying no..or trying to make it easier for someone else and just going along with what ever is being offered at the moment..cas thats just how i am i suppose..but i really do need to make up my mind..makes no sense to keep going back and forth..trying to chill out on the fast food and eat more fruits but as usual after a couple days i just kinda stop caring and forget what i said i was going to do..same old same old...

just the usual stuff going around my head..

sudenly in a semi bad mood..incredibly tired and cranky..and its my fault..nothing new there