not much..

back to feeling normal..back to having a clearish head and thinking without getting a headache. finally woke up this morning and didnt wish to go back to bed cas i didnt feel good..i think not babysitting this weekend and just ended up having a lot of time to myself helped..but it did also bore me to tears..ran errands today for a bit..and yesterday took mommy a few places cas she hurt her ankle at work and wont listen to the docs and stop triyng to walk on it but shes doing better..i was killer pissed off that she didnt fill her prescription for vicodin..bad bad me but temptations can be a pain and well having those lying around with no one taking them would have made my weekend..but nothing to worry about cas she didnt get it filled cas she doesnt like taking them..so no zoning out for me..but had a semi bad day yesterday..pretty much ended up feeling incredibly stupid and worthless after 5 mins in the car with mommy..wanted to cut but didnt..but now i remember why it is i dont like ppl being in my car! everyone seems to have a problem with my messy car..but its like seriously why does it matter so much to them?! i clean it when i can..and i know its a bit messy now but i live out of my car during the week and im sorry i dont have the time to go and vaccumm it whenever it needs to be done..

my car is still a mess..to busy..was to sick to bother with it..no time..never have enough time..doesnt help that i waste time a lot or forget what im doing a lot..so at some point i know it will get done i just dont know when..and i guess a better question would be why do i even have to clean my car becuasue someone else wants me too? blah i hate my incessant need to have someone elses approval..but it will always be the same thing i suppose..get yelled at for something..feel horrible..think about it for a while..and then spend the rest of me life making whatever wrong i did better..that takes an awful lot of time..story of my life...

did some cleaning yesterday when i got back home..cooked two seperate dinners.. cas im back in vegetarian phase it seems..and no one will eat my veggie food lol..so i had to cook two dinners last night..and both turned out good..it was just chili..so now i also have dinner premade for part of the week ...trying hard again to pay more attention to what i eat..really have been eating fast food way to much cas its so easy to stop and pick up on the way to somewhere else..and its soooo unhealthy eating it like 4 times a week..so trying harder to eat at home.not like i have money to keep stopping and spending a few bucks every day on junk food..so im hoping planning meals a bit more will help..as long as it doesnt go overboard yet again you know...

hmm nothing else to interesting going on..usual stuff..slacking on work stuff again so all my free time today will have to go to that so i can catch up on it to turn it in tomorrow..

sidenote

when i ws in therapy last week..and being asked all the usual pretherapy questions...she got around to asking me if i wass abused as a child and of course i was a smart ass and asked what her definition of abuse was..just cas i didnt want to say yes or no..but anyway she asked if i was sexually abused and i said no without a second thought..the funny part is i didnt give a definite no to any other question she gave me..i played around and used i dont know a heck of a lot..but with that particular question it was a flat out no..and i dont give many of those..wonder if it means i was just lying..or i didnt want her to know ..or i didnt want me to know..confusing to say the least

weird dream

last night i had a really really weird dream and i wanted to write about it but of course as soon as i woke up fully i couldnt remember much of it..and what i did remember just makes no sense what so ever..and its confusing cas i keep trying to remember what happened to make other things happen and i just cant figure it out..so what i do remember is..

im in this place that ill call a school for lack of anything else and really not knowing what the place was..but it had desks and a bunch of other ppl..and im there and there is a guy sitting next to me..dont know who the guy was but i just know it was a guy..and for some reason im so so so mad at him..again i dont have the slightest idea why i am..but he is like one of the ppl in charge.. ok seriosuly im about to say i dont know how i know that but i just do and im starting to wonder if this was even a real dream! blah it had to come from smoewhere..so he was one in charge and im mad at him and somehow i decide to get back at him and start cutting my hand..dont know what im using but whatever it is its good because there is blood all over the place..and he sees and asks what im doing and i of course say im not doing anything..and he is trying to take away what ever it is im using..and im trying to keep it and im swearing up and down that i wasnt doing anything and that nothing is wrong and its like im ignoring the fact that my hand is seriously bleeding. in all of this..im guessing eventually he gets it away from me..but thats all for that part..before all of that happened i think i tried to kill myself..and i dont know what the pretense for that was but i kept thinking why was i trying to kill myself..and what made me want to kill myself..and i think maybe that might have been why i was so mad at this guy..or i might have just been mad it didnt work..i dont know..but its just so confusing..because a couple other things happened but im not able to even piece any of it together because i dont remember...ugh

am really surprised that i feel more settled..but that is the way it worked before too..when i was forced into therapy. freak out before the appt and then calm down until it was time to go again..maybe this time around ill be able to stay calmer. really will have to work harder at talking though. i just hate the thought of spending the rest of my life in and out of therapy. hated it while i was in school, kinda hate it now..but its more of an indifference now..no i dont plan on mentioning to anyone that i am going again but ill go..hate that somehow i got around to thinking that therapy means ive failed in some big way becasue i need help..but at the same time i dont have a problem with anyone else being in therapy. go if you need it and i hope it helps..but darnit im not supposed to need help..im not supposed to crack under the pressure of everything..and i do all the time..its just done in such a way that no one even knows..or bothers to know and so it doesnt really matter..

isnt that all thats important though? what i come across as? if i look like a functioning adult in society then why would anyone really care about anything else? ive already graduated once from college, i have a job, i can kinda support myself..im doing what im expected to do..what im supposed to do..so as long as it is assumed that i have everything i want what is there to complain about? no guess theres not much to complain about from that stand point

but on to other stuff

still not feeling good..still have to do other stuff because mommy said so..inaddition to working today as usual..how is it that i never have time to myself unless its at night and then its so late i just want to go to bed..all i wanted today was the morning to myself to sleep in a little and get some stuff done for work and catch up on emails..but then im asked to take my nephew to look for a job..like i have nothing else to do with my time..like i dont have other things i need to get done..or even that i dont feel good and may not want to do anything until i have to go to work..no it doesnt work like that...and so my morning gets eaten up once again doing stuff for someone else and all my stuff i had to do just has to wait until later on..

did some art work lalst night..finally used my storage collage stuff ..so ill have to start looking again for pictures and things i want for later collages..

lately

decided to start this one here cas well if nothing else..i tend to ramble at times..

So been really out of sorts the past week or so..maybe i shouldnt do long trips again..dont know why coming back hadd such a big effect..dont know if coming back was the cause of the serious depression that it brung..no idea really but thinking about it yea coming back was just hard..

feeling sick and drained and just flat out tired right now..but also noticed that i hadnt done anything i have really liked or wanted to do for a couple weeks..disneyland doesnt count either lol..like no reading or doing art work..or really watching a movie just because i wanted to do it and not because i happened to be in the same room as someone watching tv..coloring doesnt count as much anymore cas i do that a lot at work..it keeps me busy and occupied but since i do it at work i dont want to do it at home as much..so maybe ill clean up my messed up room a bit and work on a collage or something..maybe it will help my mood some..

found out earlier this week..that well im going to disneyworld next month with the family i babysit for..a 4 day trip..and i am excited to go but at the same time im a little weary of going too..dont know why though cas this trip has been on and off for a couple years now..and there mom always said that when they went i was going too..and i am..and they are paying for me to go..and all i have to do is show up and spend 4 days playing pretty much..but in a way it is still a working trip you know..im being paid for my time with them for the most part..and heck im not complaining or anything but i dont know..maybe ill be feeling a bit more stable by the time we go..really hope i am!

went to therapy yesterday and it was ok..i was super super spazzing out and nervous and so inattentive without meaning to be..but i just couldnt really focus and my head was going a mile a mintue and i was distracted..and so she kept asking me questions and i had to keep asking her to repeat them cas i forgot what she asked..but willing to give her a try and see where it goes..she lowered her price a bit for me on the sliding scale and i do appreciate that but ill still have to start budgetting more carefully to make sure ill be able to afford it..so worried a bit about paying for next week but hoping it works out and ill be able to go to my appt..and then hopefully ill be a bit more stable in a couple months and ill know what to expect paycheck wise and it will be easier..so for now ill see how it goes..and until the doc pointed it out i really wasnt noticing how much i was/am working..theres not any time left for me to do anything really

its just not fair

i was having a good day..i really really was..once yvonne got here i was ok and calm and everything..and we watched a movie with everyone and then we played taboo becuase we had enough ppl..and i was still ok..bit on edge about mommmy coming home but oh well..and the drive to the resturant was fine..it was me, nia and yvonne in my car..and most of the way we talked about a lot of different stuff...but then we got to dinner..and i just started to fall apart in some way that i dont understand completely..its just there are 6 ppl at the table and its like i wasnt even there after a while..everyone talked and i tried to add stuff but its like i wasnt being heard..so i just kinda faded into the background..listened and was just there but without being there..its like i dont fit into my own family..im not loud enough..im not happy enough..i tried really really hard today to stay happy and it just didnt work..maybe i cant be happy..i dont know..just feel like crying because its like nothing is ever good enough..and no matter what i do im not able to keep up the image for long and in the end something always gives and im just left feeling lost..feel stupid for not being able to be present i guess and stay ok...it was really important to do that today and i failed


b/p this morning...cant remember the last time i did that..maybe a couple months..i dont know..seems to be a failing sort of day

song

Idina Menzel I Stand Lyrics


When you ask me, who I am…
What is my vision? And do I have a plan?
Where is my strength? Have I nothing to say?
I hear the words in my head, but I push them away.

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there’s a better place.
I don’t know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

And I don’t know
What tomorrow brings
The road less traveled
will it set us free?
Cause we are taking it slow,
these tiny legacies.
I don’t try and change the world;
But what will you make of me?

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,


I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there’s a better place.
I don’t know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

With the slightest of breezes
We fall just like leaves
As the rain washes us from the ground
We forget who we are
We can‘t see in the dark
And we quickly get lost in the crowd

'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
'Cause I stand for the power to change,
I live for the perfect day.
I love till it hurts like crazy,
I hope for a hero to save me.
I stand for the strange and lonely,
I believe there’s a better place.
I don’t know if the sky is heaven,
But I pray anyway.

hmm i think my allergies are acting up...didnt even really realize that it was spring and the pollen all over my car annoyed me and then yesterday i really didnt feel good and its like oh..spring..some years it doesnt bother me at all..and some years its a reall pain in the butt..so started taking some over the counter stuff and im hoping it will help..

still more in a bad mood than anything else...being sick doesnt help much..but i cant seem to keep my mood ok anymore..also i dont want to do anything at all..if i didnt have to work i think i would just stay in bed..if i could get out of work and didnt seriously need the money i would stay in bed..so i guess its a good thing i worry so much about money and working..back to being tired all the time now..i dont want to do my paperwork and im falling behind again with it..i have a lot to do and i cant seem to get myself in gear..i organize and set it all up but when it comes to writing it i just sit there and stare at the screen..hoping maybe that the words will magically fill the screen for me.. and even though i know i have to turn it in i hate doing it..and so i keep talking myself out of it..and just keep falling behind ..

i suck

@

i really havent been in a good mood lately...and i dont really know why..sometimes im ok but most of the time i just stay pissed off about just about everything..its a pain in the butt..because i dont like being so upset all the time..prolly why i was able to talk myself into calling about therapy..and that makes me mad too..i really hate that everything i want to do or have to do gets a back seat to what everyone else has to do..i have to take nia to school and work in the morning this week because mommy has to go to work early..and even before when i have to take her i let her know what time we are leaving the night before and she is never on time..doesnt matter if i had told her i really needed to leave because i had something to do for work or something..no shes always late coming out..but if she has somewhere to be at a certain time then she is up and ready to go and rushing me to hurry uup even if its before when i planned on leaving and then shes pissed off cas she was late or something..but if i get mad about being late ..no one really seems to care or it just doesnt matter..and my work schedule has to work around someone elses schedule and i dont think thats fair at all..that just really annoyed me this morning..not my fault she doesnt have her license..i got mine and i got it becuase i needed it..she needs hers and wont freaking go and get..i was scared about driving too..still am..but i do it..and a lot of it was i did hate having to always ask ppl to take me places..and she wants to keep saying she is just scared of driving and cant get her license..but god driving 30 miles away to take her to work or to pick her up in killer traffic..or driving her to school at 7 in the morning..isnt so cool after a while ..its just a pain

soooo

i really wouldnt mind if the world ended like right now...i really wouldnt..drove myself up the wall with making phone calls this morning about therapy and i feel the need to say im going to regret actually setting up an appt but i did it..even though i really thought the phone grew horns while i was sitting there looking at it..good grief i can come up with some off the wall stuff when i really really dont want to do anything...but eventually i just had to yell at myself to calm down and call and once i got started some of the fear went away but it still pretty much sucked..and i therapy is killer expensive ..i dont know how ppl do it without insurance but then i guess im about to find out..called a bunch of places and asked for prices and there were some places that sounded really nice but im sorry i can not do like over a 100 bucks a session..i would have to save up to go to therapy! that makes no sense at all and you would think ppl could make it just a little bit cheaper..but the place i have an appointment at has a sliding scale based on income and well it helps that my income really isnt that impressive...not with other bills and everything..so i guess ill just have to go and see..and im trying not to worry so much but i am worried of course..and really really scared..but i think worrying about whether or not ill kill myself is a tad bit more important..maybe kinda sorta..but i did it and im not sure what i think about it just yet

i keep thinking that my old T would tell me she was proud of me..and when i dont agree with her she would ask me why i dont think so..and i have no idea really..im just not proud of myself at all right now

just thinking

at some point i really do need to get to the bottom of why it is i hate therapy so much..and its not even therapy itsself its just that i have to go because i cant handle my stupid life alone..i dont think i handle anything as well as i like to think i do..yea im told im always so controlled but its all a big game sometimes..like how far can i go before i crack..or how far will i go before i do something really really stupid..and how long will it take for anyone to notice..i guess thats the big thing..no one notices..no one asks..im sure i wouldnt admit it anyway until it was freaking laid out in front of me and i had no other way out of saying ok theres something wrong..and even then im sure lying would cross my mind more than once..one just not saying anything would prolly work well too..cas i guess as long as im not just outright suicidal then its not such a big deal..so i guess in some ways my silence can protect me when i want it too..no one can make me talk..i cant even make me talk and its my thoughts im always fighting with in the first place..*sigh* sometimes it does seem so pointless you know..like why bother..because as some as it seems like everything is ok then darnit i better keep believing everything is ok..as i watch everything just keep falling apart..could be fun..could be stupid..i dont know really..i dont know how hard it is that i want to fight any of this because i did try..albeit half heartedly at most..occasionally i really worked on something only to not be able to talk about it..so i guess it doesnt count much..but i have worked on some things..and a lot of it i just ignore..i had a dream last night that i really did want to write about but woke up and couldnt remember it..but this was one dream where i wasnt the one being chased..i was doing something that involved someone getting hurt but it wasnt me..i think i was the good one ..oh i wish i could remember it..because it didnt scare me for once..but today once again i thought a bit more indepth about therapy and lack there of and its just my head is going so off the wall its not even cool anymore..if nothing else maybe therapy will help me stablize my moods a bit more...if i didnt know so wholeheartedly that i wasnt bipolar i would really question it..because its really not a good thing to be perfectly ok one minute and five minutes later im ready to just go to bed and stay..or i feel so alone and forgotten i dont know what to do with myself..or my incredibly poor impluse control.. i would like to say yea ive stopped cutting and purging but i hadnt even mastered that yet..i dont do it as often but its still there..i wonder if it makes me a bad person for not being in therapy when i know all this stuff and im not doing anything to make it better or more manageable? i dont want to be a zombie and i just dont want to go and be put on all this medication and hope it helps...i already know i cant handle doing meds..way too much of a temptation there...but i spent a lot of time in and out of therapy and i know what works when i care to admit it and know what doesnt work..but i guess it all comes down to whether im going to stick with it and spend the money to go and aactually do something..because it just feels like im slowly managing to drive myself crazy..and the constant up and down stuff is killing me..and then i just end up questioning everything and not able to really get any of it into words..or getting so mad at something and not being able to get it out..not counting cutting here..i dont know..maybe i just have way to much shame and guilt and fear to even bother with 'getting better'

im so jealous of the ppl who can talk and get things out without worrying about every little thing..or worrying if they will be in trouble of over something that happen 20 some odd years ago..not that i even remember..and thats the other part of things..i dont know how it is i have forgotten so much of my life but its like i wasnt there for most of it..try explaining that to someone..gee i dont remember doing all this stuff im told ive done and its like i just dont remember..any of it..i know a rough outline of my life and thats about it..some things i can clue in on and some things its like never happened..but it had to have happened because someone else is telling me about it..kinda sucks to forget your life

and then the whole acceptance part of things has to be considered too..i guess it would be easier if i didnt mind that i would be called a cutter or bulimic or whatever else someone could come up with..but i do mind..i mind a lot..and i cant even bare to call myself those..why would i be ok letting someone else call me them..and its so backwards because i chat with quite a few ppl who are one thing or another and it doesnt matter..geez ppl go to therapy all the time and it doesnt matter for them.but its a huge huge deal for me..it matters a lot what ppl think of me and i just get majorly paranoid about it..and tthat makes it even worse...because i already know i have scars..darn you would have to be blind to miss some of them..but i always question who looks at them and really really know how they got there and how just wonders but has no idea..because god who would ever think that I could cut myself? looks are everything right? and i guess i can come off as being rather normal when i want to be..ok almost all the time no one would give me a second glance..but its like if ppl really knew would they look harder? or question more? or just call me crazy..i know how acceptance works and i know im not doing it..because if i keep ignoring it and swearing up and down im ok then i will be and screw everythign else..but i guess it doesnt help that doing it that way also counts as just flat out lying to myself and everyone else? more so lying to myself is the big thing i guess..i cant really expect anyone else to accept if i cant even do it..and i already know i cant or wont do it.. dont know really what it will take to change that though..and that sucks..i was in the mall today and just happened to catch someone wearing one of the "to write love on her arms" tshirts..and that was a big deal because for anyone who has seen that site or anything relating to that then you know what its about..and so it was a bid deal but so so surprising becuase i never realized or considered that something like that would be such a big deal..and for ppl who dont know it deals with cutting..but i dont know..for as much as i want to promote awareness about various things i cant because i dont want any attention on me for why i would support somethings .. i dont want to have to explain myself or my views or anything..i want to be like everyone else and im not..i stand out without actually standing out in some ways..and in some ways its so easy for me to just disappear.and become invisible because i know how to do it..i know when to do it..


had an argument today with my sister and it left me wondering if i was controlling and stuff.. and it bothered me because i am so not controlling you know..i do everything im asked even if i dont want too..doesnt matter if i had other plans or not..and it was a back and forth thing because it was about how i never let them change the music in my car and how i always say its my car and so i can do that..it pissed me off because my car is one of the few things i have that i can call my own..i dont have a house, i dont have kids, all i have is dusti and my car..the two things i own in a sense..and maybe its rude of me to not let someone get in my car and start messing with the radio or taking my cds out but i hate when ppl do that..if i dont mind it then I will change the cd or put on the radio..but to have someone else get in my car and start complaining about MY music really gets on my nerves..im the one driving ..so shouldnt i be comfortable in my car? if i want to have junk all in my car isnt that my business and not the whole worlds?? why should it matter for the 20 or so mins u are in my car..i dont ask for much as all so why cant my car just be mine and not some one elses? why should i have to change what i like and am ok to make someone else comforable and happy when its something as stupid as music..and im sorry that i always mention having or not having gas but gas to too expensive and we live too far away from town to just be able to go back and forth to do stuff there..i cant afford to put $45 dollars in my tank twice a week as it is so lets not make it worse..im sorry if i have to put having gas so i can go to work above taking you to the store..its just not fair that i have to be put on the spot for stuff like this for absolutely no reason at all..i didnt think it was mean of me to like check money or gas before i say ill take someone somewhere..but maybe it is..maybe i really am just mean and selfish for not doing more than i already do for everyone..maybe im just so horrible it really doesnt matter one way or another what i want..

so i just dont know what im going to do..i dont know what i want to do and i really just wish there was someone to tell me exactly what i needed to do..so i wouldnt have to decide..but i guess this time around it just has to be my decision and no one elses right? it doesnt work if its forced..at least i can remember that..but it was just so much easier when i had no choice in the matter...

pictures

so my trip is over and other stuff

maybe ill add pictures and stuff eventually ..but this one is just the big overview i suppose and takes on everything and kinda the down part of the trip..

so went to yvonnes on friday night..left later than i had hoped because had to do paperwork and that was a pain in the butt but i finished it and got it turned in at least..not the best but not horrible either..when yvonne got home we unpacked me and repacked me because i learned that she wanted to do carry ons only because it was easier and i admit it was easier but i was miffed that i had to leave a bunch of stuff behind too..didnt wear much of what i did have but i just guess its a comfort thing and i would have liked to have had all of it..but we were also staying in an rv and there was barely space for what both of us did have..so i guess it worked out..and next time ill know ahead of time so i can overpack lightly lol..so we drove to ral that night and stayed at her moms house and i tried out yvonnes water bed and almost rolled out of it! and now i know ill never ever be getting a water bed..i dont like them to much..and we left for the airport at like 4 and i was going to die i was so tired ..but then we get to the airport and check in and everything and the security line is just ridiculous..ppl are stuck in line at 5:55 you know and they are trying to get 6am flights and its like im sorry but we are all stuck down here you know..but eventually we made it up to our gate and made our flights with not to many problems..all the flight attendants on both flights going commented on that we were just sitting there coloring! didnt think it would be a big deal and it wasnt really but it was just oh your coloring really?! but the flights werent bad at all..the connecting flight i enjoyed more because of the blizzard in ohio a lot of ppl werent on the flight and so i had like a whole row of seats to myself and it rocked..and then we played cards for a while but the flight was only like a bit over 4 hours and it felt like it was 8...made it to san diego and it was killer hot..after a week there i know i will never live on the west coast..cant do it..its nice to visit and all and but i need trees ..real ones not the rinky dink palm trees.. and rivers and waterfalls and nature that im used too..i dont think i could be any farther away than like Ohio or Michigan maybe..but its more layout that im looking for i guess..and i never thought i would dislike cali so much for a long term thing but its not for me out there..and who ever says a dry heat is better can bite me..heat is heat and if its hot its hot...and it was hot while we were there and im not a shorts and tank top person so it was harder for me to adjust to that part..and i dont really know if it was the heat or the dryness but i just kept getting nosebleeds..towards the end not tos much but the first few days every time i blew my nose it was like freaking heck..so no idea why it was really happening but it was a pain..but the rv was nice although crowded it was nice...

hmm we went to disneyland and mexico and hollywood..it was kinda cool being asked if i was an american citizen..and it was kinda cool having to go by the border patrol like twice a day because yvonnes mom lived so close to the border..

her moms fiance was ok..but i dont know..its not that i didnt like him or anything because i dont know him..but he just annoyed me a bit..i dont like having someone try to tell me they know how to do something a better way and then proceed to showing how to do it the same way i was doing it before..im not stupid..i know how to work a computer..but that just annoyed me a lot and i was nice and listened to him and didnt say anything but its like give me a break ok..by the end her mom was getting tired of having to pay for my food and i didnt take advantage of it or anything..i didnt ask for anything special and always looked at prices..and yvonne told me later that her and her mom had a talk about how her mom said she would cover food for me as long as i got my own plane ticket and everything..so i mean i know it was a bit expensive sometimes..but i wouldnt have come if i wasnt welcome and her mom said it was perfectly ok for me to come you know..so her moms mood went up and down a bit while we were there and yvonne kept apologizing but its like really its ok..im used to it..she told me i was better at handling her moms mood than she was..and its like her mom is a much lesser degree of my mom...i know when to stay out of her way..i know when to leave her alone and i know most of all when to not draw attention to myself ..her mom is no problem at all..my mom is a lot of problems that just never end...feeling better now and its good to be back home but then being back home has its own set of problems

but while in cali we were at the bottom part..near the border of mexico..and we went to mexico and disneyland and hollywood! all very cool places..mexico was a little disappointing..but im not sure exactly why that is just yet..it just wasnt what i was expecting at all ..i dont know..but it was still cool to cross the border and all that fun stuff..disneyland was a lot of fun..we were there like all day long and we got there right after the park opened and stayed to see the fireworks..tower of terror was the best ride ever..and i had been on it before but i just wasnt expecting that first drop and it scared the crap out of me..got soaked riding the rapids ride..rode the dumbo ride and the roger rabbit ride was nice but toontown was just the neatest place ever..and a bunch of others..was a bit sad about not getting to do the nemo ride..took a picture with minnie mouse and the fairy godmother..rode the pirates of the carribean ride twice and even had dinner that the bayou resturant place and it really looks like your outside there! but by then i was so cold i was almost shivering enough that you could hear my teeth clicking..but we rode the rapids ride late in the day and then i got to walk around soaking wet for a couple hours cas the sun was going down and didnt have anything dry..but ended up buying a tshirt and a towel..well yvonne got the towel for me but its the greatest towel ever lol..and i actually ordered something i never had before and ended up liking it..but as usual what i would and wouldnt eat was the topic most days ..because it was harder for her mom to find something i would eat and i really wasnt trying to be difficult i just dont like a lot of stuff and her mom just kinda stopped trying after a while to specifically get something i would eat and so i just made do..not a huge deal since we ate out so much but it still came up..and it sucked but i guess i should be used to eat..since my eating habits are rather weird sometimes..hollywood was an adventure because well first it took forever to get back to la and then even longer to get to the other side of it..but we made it eventually and walked around a bit and saw the stars and the impersonators and the hand/foot prints..and then we went in search of a spot to take pictures of the hollywood sign and well we got lost lol..and had to keep turning around and finally ended up on a street that was like a great shot for getting it and so it worked out :) but i think the fireworks show was the best thing ever and so made the trip and going with yvonne and getting to ride all the 'kid' rides was a lot of fun too..because even didnt mind that i wanted to go and see the princesses or go to toontown (that place is awesome!!) or do the nemo ride that we didnt get to do..and we wore tiaras for that entire day and so the ppl that worked there kept saying we were princesses

not to mention i got a ticket last night..cas of my stupid inspection sticker being out of date..and i cant say its not my fault cas and i knew it was out of date and i just kept putting off getting it changed..it was the cop who gave it to me that just pissed me off big time..because it was the middle of the night and last night of all nights i had to run into the dui checkpoint..for the love of god i wanted to slap myself for that bit of luck..and it was just the guy could have been nicer about it and explained more without treating me like i had dome some huge thing wrong..and i had no idea about the registration card being unsigned ..and he pulled the i could throw u in jail for not signing it bit..and i was just stressing and on overload from all the lights and noise and worried about what was going to happen and just trying to get home...so it just kinda sucked for a bit last night..and cops are stupid..and now i have one more thing to try and take care of..and i told mommy enough about it this morning to let her know i got a citation thing and she told me how to get it taken care of..because i dont live in the county that i got the stupid thing in and im not driving back two hours just for a sticker..but i dont want to pay the 120 either..so i have to call the court and find out what to do about it...and i got home at like 2 this morning and had to get up around 7 ish to come and babysit..but mommy comes and says nothing to me except are you up yet before she leaves..didnt ask anything about my trip at all..

lots going on

hmm there is a lot going on..going out of town tomorrow night and trying to get all that stuff done and then all the stuff i need to have done for work..and just going to work and gas is killing me!

nia has the flu..go figure..and now is like freaking heck why did you have to get sick now..and now im like not feeling good yet again...but i took one of her flu pills last night so maybe that will help..

had a weird dream last night about my car...something along the lines of my brakes giving out and i was in the middle of traffic of course..and so i try to stop hitting one car and almost hit another one..so i end up stopping in the middle of traffic and tell nia to get out of the car..and i leave my car running in the middle of traffic..and all of a sudden i realize its running and moving and i cant get to it..and so theres this huge crash and fall off of something and my car is gone..and im more worried about mommy yelling at me than the fact that my car just blew up..it was weird

some stupid person almost hit me last night in a parking lot..because they didnt stop at the big stop sign that anyone can see and started to turn really fast and i was going out..and yea it was scary..he stopped eventually and backed up..but i thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest..

yesterday i had to drop everything i was doing to take nia to the doctor..after telling mommy i had plans that day and really needed to go to the office and get stuff turned in..and wed is my busy long day..but she didnt care one bit and i had to stop what i was doing to spend almost an hour and a half getting nia back and forth to the doc and all i got was a sorry too bad..what i was supposed to do just doesnt matter at all ..

i need to get out of here..mommy is just driving me crazy..and keeps calling me a bum because i prefer jeans and tshirts to anything else..and constantly telling me my clothes dont fit and i need to lose weight and everything is just making me upset..but guess i better stop complianing

just a little rant

so feeling better today..just a bit headachy off and on..but almost back to my reg old self..thankfully..have been lazing around today..playing videogames and playing online and looking at my room and planning to clean it up and start packing ! planning being the key word in that little part lol..but i do want to at least start packing because i have to leave straight from work friday night and coming home just isnt a good idea because then ill just be even later getting to gville and then we have to leave at 2 ish in the morning to go to the airport and im not gonna be in a ppleasant mood at all! but its just one less thing to stress about that ill stress about anyway!

but thats not whats bothering me so much...mommy after everything she said about not letting my nephew stay with us he is here and its just like why in the hell is he here and why hasnt he left yet...have you ever just had someone that instantly got on and stayed on your bad side no matter what ? obviously it takes an asful lot to get on my bad side but my nephew is just i dont know..i hate to say i dont like him but i really dont..because everyone has tried to help him and he just throws it back in their faces..he has gotten into trouble for everything and then its like he goes through every one and gets what he wants and then comes back like nothing happened and he can start over..for all of mommies fault she does help everyone if she can..you may not hear the end of it but she will help..and i hate that she is going to get stuck with him agian and its just not gonna work out..and its not like he hasnt lived here before..he grew up here..and lived with us for what 18 or so years and as a kid he was fine but then i dont know he just changed i suppose and got into drugs and everything..and its like geez we arent perfect at all but all of us either finished school and yet to college or got a job or lived away from home or something to just show we can take care of ourselves and do what we are supposed to do..and yea he grew up with us but its like he just expects everyone to do things for him and bail him out of trouble..and it gets on my nerves..i look at him and just dont see anything at all..and its just a pain having him in the house again..because i dont want my stuff to walk away when he leaves.and hes taken clothes and meds and junk out of my room before and its like ok dont leave anything down..and i told mommy i didnt want him here..but he got kicked out of some program in mi and came back here and called mommy cas he had no where else to go cas none of the other relatives here will take him in again..and so mommy caved and he is here and im waiting for him to leave..and i guess that makes me a bad person..cas i have no intention of giving him anything..i barely talk to him and sometimes it is like he isnt even in the house..but then he loses his temper and you just here stuff being thrown around downstairs and its like great hes gonna break something and then all hell will break lose..so i stay out of his way..he stays out of mine but just knowing he is here is enough to keep me on edge i guess..and even just being back for a few days he has hooked up with his old friends and its like hes just gonna get his self in trouble again