tired

feeling really floaty..alone..i dont know..maybe its just feeling spacey..but whatever it is i dont like it at all..had to wake up at 2 this morning to take mommy to the airport..a two and a half hour drive away..which she didnt trust me to do alone and so i had to have my older brother come with me..i didnt want him to come because well i could have done it by myself but also because she would make him drive at some point and im getting sick of him moving junk around in my car and changing the mirrors and stuff because then i can never get it back to the way i liked it..and gas is just to expensive now to keep having to go back and forth running errands for everyone and yet im still stuck doing it..so got back home around 6:30 in the morning and had to get up an hour later to take my sister to work and there went another hour and a half..i have big problems being woken up and not allowed to go back to sleep..and driving at 2 in the morning and being forced to stay awake wasnt cool and it was a huge just zone out time..like getting lost in my own little world and being jarred back out of it when mommy said something..i hate when it seems like i can go on autopilot and just do something but then someone outside of me messes it up and i have to go back to paying some sort of attention to whats going on...but im up and so tired but i dont even know if i can go back to sleep now..i thought i was going to zone out again when i had to take my sister to work but i think was to tired to do more than just stare at the road and hope i didnt hit anything..and today is going to be a late day because i get off work at 7 and have to go and babysit after that to around 11 i guess and then come home and then take myy brother to work in the morning and go clean the beach house on sunday for my other brother and go shopping for him and then go get mommy from the airport on sunday night around midnight and its like ok when am i supposed to be sleeping in there?! i dont do so hot with no sleep and its like everyone is expecting me to do a million things and no where in any of it is anyone taking into account that i might have something to do or something i want to do..i dont know just feeling lonely and dejected right now..maybe i should just go and lay down and see if i can fall asleep

hmmm

so i guess its prolly a bad thing that i dont remember even writing here lately...


sooo havent been feeling to good but riley had the flu over the weekend and i was with him and so i freaked about getting it and spent quite a bit of time trying to talk him even into taking his meds! but i was there all weekend and his parents were out of town so he elected to sleep with me and it was just if i dont have it by the time i leave im not getting it lol..but ive been feeling sick but i dont think i had the flu completely..maybe a low grade part flu part cold or something..but just headachy and cranky and major tired..but im feeling a bit better today..and ive been making myself go to work ! so i cant get stuck in the im sick i dont want to do anything phase..still a bit fuzzy headed and out of it but its not so bad today

gotta catch up on some back paperwork today..before going to work..im still up state the state cut my hours but oh well..i have a job and i just have to keep reminding myself of that..and once i start getting paid things will get a little bit easier..

annnnnnnnnnnnd

im going to cali!!!! i got my plane ticket yesterday and it took all the money i had and then some but im goiing !! i almost didnt think it would work out but in the end i got the ticket and so broke its not e ven funny but im still going to cali in a week or so! i really cant believe it worked out and that im getting to go..because the tickets just kept going up in price and then i had to wait until i had money and the airports we left from would have to be a huge factor cas her mom couldnt go to two different airports..and so it was a lot of talking on the phone and stuff to get it work out..but it did and so i get to go..and im worried about money but im hoping to babysit so that ill have a little extra money..and mommy did say she would give me some before i left..so now i have to work on packing and figuring out what im taking and all that fun stuff..and how we are getting to the airport..and if my car is going or not..so just some little stuff to still work outand when i get back all my money has to go into my car to get it worked on and bills of course..so im hoping it works out at least enough that nothing is late...and yvonne is the coolest for even asking me if i wanted to go..and she is going to help me pay for the parks and stuff! and even cooler we may be seeing jim while we are there.i have really missed him and really hadnt considered how much we were together until well hes across the country and i have no one to talk to and be silly with anymore! so it would really be cool to see him

and i can not believe cali doesnt have sweet tea !! are they in the dark ages or something ?! holy cow thats gonna be a hard 7 days to make it through with no sweet tea lol

annnnd im going to be nias maid of honor! and then i remembered why it was i said no the first time she asked..darn it i dont like being in pictures ..blah.. but i do want to be the maid of honor and its cool she asked me and i guess ill be suffering for a few hours for her benefit..and we are having an after party for her wedding lol..cant have alcohol at the wedding because of mommy and its like ok this is so not gonna work lol..so we are planning on going somewhere else and partying later that night :)

hmmm yesterday kinda sucked royally on some levels but i dont think i cared and i still dont...got really really mad and annoyed at mommy because she asked me to let wayne take my car and when shes asks to borrow my car for him i dont get a lecture on how he isnt insured and anything could happen and all this stuff and i had been ok with letting him borrow it a little bit not a lot or anything..and i was in trouble for doing it..but when she asks then its ok and its not a big deal anymore and he will be fine driving it and it was just like i dont know..and i was over at dees house looking up stuff for the ticket and checking my email and all this other stuff i wanted to do and shes hounding me about leaving and going home so they could take my car..and its like i didnt promise it to them but im rushed to go and give it to them...how is it that when she wants something i have to drop everything to give it to her but she tells me i want everything my way when i want something or need something..or that im being selfish..and nothing i said yesterday really mattered and it was like ok fine dont listen to me..i already know how to make you listen..and the entire 20 or so mins it took me to get home all i thought about was that no one ever listens to me..or it feels like no one ever listens to me or ppl talk over me or its like im not even there..and its like geez what do i have to do to get attention...so i cut the heck out of my ankle and didnt feel bad about it at all..it doesnt really hurt today but yesterday after destroying a sock it was like one second of holy hell im gonna be in trouble..and then it was the usual cover your tracks type thinking..but it was a bit messier than usual becuase it was a new razor and those are just sickeningly easy to use...wanted to do my wrist but no way to hide it really..gotta find my wrist bands again..but anyway..its not a big deal..they are all better

and guess thats all my usual news

riley and harris have email addresses again now and they email me like once a day to ask how i am and if im at work lol.

off day

dont know..feeling a bit sad today..anxious about everything and worrying about everything..lots of thoughts going around my head..wondering if thing will work out and what im supposed to be doing with my life..gotta love that question floating around in my head..because when im forced to relook at me life i dont really like what i see ..cant really base it on what i remember..but what i see its like i dont know..theres not enough fun..enough acceptance..just not enough of anything really..in passing i get glimpses of things i love..things i had fun doing, of hugs, and safety and just a bit of love..and then they are gone again..slipping through my fingers..always just out of my grasp and so i cant hold on to anything..sometimes i reread of of my happy times..like writing about key west the other day made me happy..i could feel all the laughter and smiles i had down there..all the nights my coworker told me he wouldnt leave me alone while we were out..all the times the guys we met told me oh much he talked about me and looked after me even if i didnt see him for a few hours..sure it was a bit weird being tucked in by a guy i didnt know but my coworker was still there to make sure i was ok (long story on that one)..and i can still remember our trip to cumberland is..i remember how much fun it was and how happy i was there..i remember the long long drive back and how we spent hours talking on the bus about movies and books..2 hours devoted to harry potter and breaking down the movies and the characters and then plots..we talked about romeo and juliet and venice beach and the remake of that movie..tv shows and camp and everything until i had to turn around and sit correctly in my seat because it was getting dark and i couldnt see the kids as well..but once i stop actively thinking about things like that they just go away..its like they never happened and if i look to hard ill never find them again.. i dont want to lose the little things i remember..then its like i have nothing to be happy for at all

im jealous i guess..im missing my old job a lot right now..and i dont even think its the job as much as missing the kids i worked with and the planning and fun of expecting to see them again over the summer when i did work there..and now on facebook i see the tali group again being active and im not apart of that world anymore..i wont be telling the funny stories or talking about ways to deal with the kids who are harder to work with..i wont be around the ppl i liked again or in the atmosphere i liked..but i also cant forget why it is i left in the first place and how i was treated..i dont want that again..and i know i wont ever be able to let that go enough to go back..but a part of me really really misses it..

tired`

not feeling to thrilled this morning..ok just really in a bad mood about everything..last night being at home with mommy being upstairs and yelling about everything just kinda threw me off..had gotten used to her just coming home and going to bed but last night she wanted to clean so she was around my room and telling me to do a better job and all this stuff..and this morning at 6 she was up cleaning again..made enough noise t o wake me up and didnt bother stopping for an hour..so now im up and so tired i just want to fall over and feeling so tired and upset and annoyed and freaking pissed off.. she could have cared less about how much noise she made and proceeded to drop every freaking thing she had i swear...i dont care about the cleaning but god she could have waited a couple hours..but me sleeping is not a big deal at all and that was her way of letting me know i needed to get up anyway ..
really wanted to cut last night..had a razor and everything..but i didnt

may not be going to ccali because the flights are to expensive..i was a bit wrong in my calculations and thinking the tickets would be under $300..too bad there not..so we will just keep an eye on the prices i guess..and if i can go i go but if not ill have to let her know sometime today that its not definite..blah..i hate not having money..but then just having an extra 500 thats not for anything else has never happened before..so not a huge deal i suppose..maybe another time.. knew it wouldnt be a good idea to get my hopes up

guess i better get off my butt and go get ready to babysit before everyone starts looking for me..

moving..traveling..something

maybe i should move to denmark so i can go to a beth hart concert..better yet i should get a passport so i can go whereever i want too.maybe ill pick somewhere overseas to live for a while? dont know..

another day

hmm major headache right now but also lots of excitement too ..kinda ..trying not to get to excited becuase it may not work out..buuuuut yvonne asked me today if i would go to cali with her for her spring break! which is like the coolest thing anyone has ever asked me to do ... ive only been to cali once and that was forever ago ..i have no idea where we went or what we did..but she also mentioned we would go to new mexico for a few days too..and its like being gone for a week or so..and shes begging her mom for extra money for when i get there..and im begging mommy for money so i can go lol..although i asked mommy about going and what yvonne asked and she said to look up tickets and if it wasnt to much she would help me pay for one..i know ill regret borrowing the money from her but i do want to go..and its like i have to save and save everything i get so i can make sure bills are covered before i go and everything and well i hope it works out..i really really do!

work is going good :)
it was a rreal confidence booster to work with my 14yr old yesterday and he just started smiling at me and being in a good mood and his dad came in and was like whatever you just did keep doing it lol:).. and its also really cool that the dad actually asked the supervisor if i would keep working with his son because the reg worker isnt coming back now ..and i would really like to stay with him because i do like him and his dad. but i wasnt expecting my supervisor to tell me today that the dad really liked me and wanted to know if i would keep working with his son if i could..dont really expect to hear stuff like that you know..and i saw my baby today and i have to do the paperwork for him lol.but i was also informed that next week i would be leading the session *insert nervous face here* lol..my supervisor told me not to worry but of course i will lol..i mean it is really like just playing with him and prompting him to speak and do the developmental stuff..but doing it and having her watching me is like holy cow! the babies only get one hour a week and my 14yr old is 5 days a week and the other guy they are looking at for me is 5 days a week also..but they are trying to work out my hours so i can have my babies and two clients also ..and still get close to 40 hours a week since i cant have more than that !

and the new beth hart cd rocks lol..just had to add that in ! will have to post the lyrics for my two new favoritest songs

dusti is getting into everything as usual and i swear some nights i have no idea where she is even hanging out at lol..one of her favorite spots is on the couch in the hallway but shes sitting underneath the chair thats upside down on the couch ..it looks like shes in jail but the pictures are funny..

nia is engaged..which is really cool and fun and im happy for her..the wedding is going to be in aug

been thinking some about cutting and stuff with everything that is going on..but trying not too..i think about it and plan it and then dont do it..hmm i want to but i dont at the same time..its just weird i guess

hmm

dont really know whats going on in my head..something is really bothering me though..i realized why it is i hate clocks and time though..

maybe im just overly tired and its making me cranky ..dont know

randomness

hmm a bit about nothing

got a new phone today....wonder what someone else would think opening my phone and seeing the uh colorful ballon filled picture but have finally upgraded to a camera phone lol..a big deal for me because im so not a phone person and could care less about all the extra features but figured it was time to upgrade a bit..still learning it though

didnt work tonight be cuase the family was sick and well now is just not the time for me to get sick you know..planning on taking cold meds just incase! but spent that time at the library catching up on work paperwork..still not finished but ive started now at least and i have a couple more days to fill in and then i have to go and drop it off tomorrow morning early so its not late..part of me just wants to turn it in so i can have it looked at and my mistakes pointed out ..so ill know what i need to work on and how to do it and everything..maybe the stress of doing them will lower then

got two new journals today..one is a fill in the questions one aan its like self discovery type stuff..can always use a bit more self discovery! and one is just a regular journal but its a big solid one and it makes me think of writing a book everytime i look at it because its just like a reg sized text book lol..ok a bit smaller but bigger than a reg sized journal lol..and i think ive just managed to confuse myself! but just wanted a new one for actually writing stuff down in..since i can no longer just pop online and write as much since my computer isnt hooked up anymore

hmm loving the double standard mommy has placed on my money yet again..i cant spend it but i can loan it to her..stupid me..once again i assume the this time it will be diffferent and after im lectured about not using it and not going out or anything (like i do anyhting like that anyway) she asks to borrow some to pay stuff..and its like ok you just tell me not to use it and then turn around and ask for some and then when it comes time to pay bills and i dont have enough then its my fault for not managing my money correctly..and then i fill stupid for doing something i want to do like buying new journals because i just want them..

omg

omg the bank stuff is worked out !! im so happy right now..gosh i didnt think it would get fixed so soon and it did and i was feeling guilty for filing the claim thing in the first place and now im so glad mommy made me do it ..ill regret saying that at another time but for right now im just excited that the bank fixed it for me and gave me the money back ... it doesn't feel like the world is going to end tomorrow and now i can pay mommy back and get that taken care of..and i had been so afraid of checking my account because i didnt want to find out that something else had bounced and i was being charged even more money..but its all been put back and the charges taken care of..and its like a huge load off! and i will be ok until i start getting paid regularly


wow wasnt expecting that !! umm was gonna write about other stuff and now im all side tracked and cant get past that .. ok i better get back to babysitting lol

food issues galore

sometimes im just left to wonder if she does some of these things on purpose you know? because she knows ill give an actual reaction to what is being said some times maybe she constantly tells me i suck or i should do thisor i need to keep looking for a job or lose weight because she wants me to be 'sick' in a way so that i will have to keep depending on her in some sort of way without it seeming like i am this morning we had another talk ..this time it was about how im not making enough and how i need to keep looking for a job with benefits and how i need to lose weight and should change my diet and she knows why i gained weight and all this stuff..i know now it was very stupid of me to mention last night that all she does is ask how much im making..because then she had all night to think about it and then this morning i got a talk about how shes only doing it because she wants to make sure im making what im supposed to make. first im making more now than i was at my other job..and i dont plan on working here more than a year and a half full time because of wanting to go back to school..if i suddenly die between now and then because i dont have health insurance then i guess thats just to bad..considering how much ive been thinking about dying id say health insurance is the least of my worries right now but anyway when it got onto the subject of that im not losing weight fast enough i wondered why it has to matter so much first off but then of course she had to throw in all the junk about how its unhealthy and how i was doing much better a couple years ago and how the docs have talked to me about it in the past and its like gee make me feel better why dont you..and then it went to you know your eating ot many carbs and need to stop and you need to exercise and i wonder if she would say anything if i asked if it was ok to start throwing up my food again or hiding it or just not eating period..what would she have to say on that? would i get more tips on how to not eat and what i should and shouldnt eat? would that make it any better? i hate how she can pull up the parts of me that just live to do what she asks and if she says dont eat then they wont..if she said go jump off a bridge im sure it would be taken into consideration..and so we talked about being vegetarian and what it meant giving up and now mommy is saying she is going to become a vegetarian and stop eating meat and stuff and so she can do it with me and diet and theres going to be a competition to see who can lose the most weight and all this stuff came up..and i mentioned i was thinking of becoming vegan and i just wanted to scream at myself to shut up because i didnt want her to know that just yet but now she does and i guess shes just thrilled about it because thats one more way for her to boast about me being healthier and losing weight..but what she fails to realize is that i dont eat vegetables and could care less about them..and it makes being a vegan a lot harder because its like well i dont like soy milk ( ive actually tried it and almond milk also before) i dont like soy cheese, i dont like tofu ..do we see a trend here?! god saying im vegan is like saying i might as well just not eat and save myself the trouble of stressing over what we can and cant have..but since thats not going to happen it seems i have a week to figure it all out yea part of me wondered if i could do it which is why we had been talking about it in the first place but i wasnt sure i was a ctually going to do it and now its like god someone said it and it cant be taken back now and so once again im roped into doing something im not sure i want to do..and she is going to 'mention' it to my younger sister to see if she wants to do it too..and i know my sister she will say no but mommy will push and push until she agrees and then she will just eat meat when mommy isnt around..which would make the whole thing pointless but thats just how mommy works..she will push until she wins and then its just a matter of how well you can hide i guess..i dont know its makes all the days and months of being ok and not purging seem like a waste..like i should have just stuck with it and not bothered to stop..whats the point of trying if in the end im going to be asked to possibly do it again and its not even about possibly being asked i guess..its more like being given the chance to do it again with little reprocussion in a way..like here you can have an eating disorder as long as you stick to these guidelines about it..

lots of thinking

which ive decided i really need to stop doing..lots of stuff in my head lately and im not even sure what i really want to write about..im getting tired of writing about mommy nad everything that goes on with her but i guess being at home makes her a big part of daily life..how utterly depressing it is to go out to dinner on vday with the one person i really dont like being around..most of my day was spent running around doing stuff for work and trying to fix nias comp and it seems to be working now so im hoping it will hold out until im done writing this at least..but the dinner out was my vday present from mommy and she asked this morning and of course in a way that made it almost impossible to say no without seeming like a flat out not so nice person..so i went and it was a lot of being asked questions i didnt want to answer and suddenly having a job with so many hipaa rules seems like a grand idea! but its like she could care less about my actually job..all she wants to know is how much im mamking and prooceeds to ask me that anytime i mention getting a new client or someone new to work with or even if im just shadowing someone..its just a pain..and when i told her all she asks about is how much im told shes doing it just to make sure i know what im being paid..well gee i would hope i knew or had some idea..but oh well..just kinda sucks to be talking about the weather and im trying to say that it was warmer when i left the house without a coat and wasnt expecting the temp to drop and she just keeps telling me how cold it was and what the temp was..and finally i got the picture and stopped trying to say it was warmer..pretty much stopped talking then..well i now remember why it is i dont talk alot..kinda stupid how really simple it all is..behaviors have to come ffrom somewhere right..

hmmm ive enjoyed working this week at least..my fillin job is actually a lot of fun minus the paperwork stuff..try hard to keep home stuff away from job stuff because i dont want the two to mix at all..so im enjoying it and today i had a meeting with the family i may be working with on a reg basis and im hoping to hear back from my supervisor tomorrow or next week to get started..i have more extra work for next week and can possibly keep filling in for a bit longer if im needed..and i got my first baby this week :) im still shadowing but i have a baby! he was really sweet even if i wasnt doing anything but watching last time..slowly my schedule is filling up and ill be happy when its set but for now i dont mind doing fillin work either..i swear ive doe more stuff with my 14yr old this week than i have in weeks..even if it is forr only little bits of time and i know im doing it for him..i thikn its good for me to get out too..because then im forced to do stuff and not hide in the house all day..im hoping this job will help me start talking more but if not i gu ess ill have to go to therapy...at some point..again..but anyway..im liking my job..its like i matter again just a little bit and my degree matters and its like im doing something good and not wasting away behind a desk..because for some reason i cant stand steady 9 to 5 at all

my head has been a millioin miles away this week..like everything just went away for a while and nothing was ever going to make anything better..and true i still feel really hopeless and upset about a lot of stuff and empty about all the rest..im still doing what i have to do i guess..and thats the important thing..at least for now anyway..i need to keep doing everything im supposed to be doing because then i stop thinking about everything else for a bit..im actually considering becoming a vegan just for the abusrdness of it..not for forever but only for a year or so to see if i can do it or not..and i say vegan because thats as strict as it can be and then i cant bend the rules and stuff..for now im just thinking about it but i think i will within the next week or so then ill be forrced to eat healthy and pay attention and quit binging..actually thought about purging this afternoon and couldnt but it wasnt fun even thinking about it

nia is in cali now and i hope she has a good time but still im jealous she got to go and im stuck here

been really forgetfull lately..as soon as i hear something i forget it when i move on to something else..more so with mommy when shes telling me stuff on the phone and that i have to do it and then i hang up and forget everything she said until hours later when suddenly its like darnit i forgot to do blahblahblah and instantly i think of being in trouble and getting yelled at and so i rush to cath up and do what im supposed to..

its getting chilly again..so i guess ill go because nias room is cold and i dont want to push my luck and the net starts acting up again..

stupid me

i was really dumb enough to think that paying bills was the most important thing..that saving what i could to make sure i was keeping up with bills even though i didnt have a real job was what i was supposed to do..but i guess i was wrong..and now with my bank account all messed up and my car insurance about to be sent back its like now mommy has to bring up how much she has helped me and loaned me money in the past and like when i was moving and how i hadnt paid any of it back and that ive been making money and obviously just blowing it on junk or something because i should have had more and i guess i just pretty much suck for not paying more attention and offering to help more and give her what i was making from babysitting..i thought i was doing good because i was managing bills and thing a little bit and wasnt having to ask her to borrow money..but then all the stuff that she was buying for me that i wasnt asking for she was adding up anyway..and so its like shes spending all her extra money to buy me a couple shirts that i didnt want or need but cant turn around and give back now ..but now it all gets thrown back at me..the one time i really dont have money and im waiting for account to get straightened out and now she wants to talk about what ive been doing with all my money..i want to ask how it is she can get info on my bills without me around and then tell me what i should be paying and that ive been laying about how much money i really had..and i just want to tell her its not any of her business what im making or not making or what im paying and trying to take care of..if its about me then why in the hell can she get ppl to pull up my info in the first place? and then i go and call and stuff to ask about my account or insurance or something and she turns around after telling me to call and she calls and then comes back and tells me all this stuff i already knew but now feel stupid about because somehow she always manages to do it better than me and has to tell me what to do..and so now my acount is messed up and its my fault and i cant fix it..and out of no where she just asks me to bring her something at work and as soon as she says that she wants to talk to me i know im in trouble..i feel stupider for not figuring it out before i managed to get here..i would have stayed at home but i guess it wouldnt have mattered because she would have had her say in the end anyway..and so it was like being in another meeting where all im left doing is defending myself and what ive done..god i bought a new webkinz..that was such a stupid idea on my part..i mean why would i even consider buying something i like and just want to have for once..stupid me for not offering to help out more at home..even though im always the one taking ut the trash or cleaning the bathrooms and the kitchen and its not like im looking for a thanks or anything but at least an acknowledgment would be nice..but thats too much to ask and so i tell myself it doesnt matter and i dont care..and its not like i can get away with not doing because god she sure noticed when i didnt clean upstairs..doesnt matter that the ppl were in there working on the electrical stuff most of the day and then i left o babysit ..but yea i got a call later telling me how much of a disappointment it was that i was at home and left without cleaning up and its not like im not asked to do a lot but i can do what little im asked to do..every stupid thing makes me a loser and im not trying hard enough to be good and do what im supposed to do..and so its like why try..why bother doing anything..its really hard explaining to someone else how it is that i have to do what im told or the world might as well just end and kill me in the process..it doesnt make sense to anyone else andmost of the time i just try not to think about it..but then i have a morning like this morning and everything just feels like its crashing down on my head and im trying to work and stay busy and do what i thought i was supposed to do just to have it all turned around and im not doing enough..im not helping enough..and its like i have to remind myself to stay in my place and not forget what it is im expected to be and what im expected to do..and none of it revolves around me at all..as i was told today also..the world doesnt revolve around me..its not like i ask for anything at all and i dont ask to go anywhere or do anything extra and if im not running errands for mommy then i can almost always be found at home..i dont even think ill be going back to greenville anymore because i really dont want to be around anyone right now but also because i just keep thinking i will bring it up and mommy will just pull out this bill of things i owe her and have to pay on before i can do anything else..already im trying to figure out when i can babysit and how ill have to break up the money i make..i cant think about the future because im afraid it will make me suicidal again..i dont even want to think about this afternoon anymore..i was happy about going to work and now its all i can do not to cry right now..because ive been stuck at dees all morning with money and im waiting for her to get back..and there where things i wanted to do at home and i wont have time to do anything..ill just be able to go home and change and then head back out to go to work..what i wanted to do wasnt important enough anyway..soo why bother..all i want to do right now is just hide or disappear or anything that will make me stop hurting ..if i could be invisible i would..all morning its like dont cry because you know if she sees me crying she will call me a baby and tell me to stop because i have nothing to cry for and shes trying to talk to me like an adult..well gee i never realized this was how adults talk so sorry for me once again being stupid and clueless about something..forcing back all the thoughts and feelings running through my head..ive almost mastered feeling numb again..might as well not talk until im spoken to and if i could get away with not breathing i wouldnt do that either..because some how i just manage to attract trouble and even when im not doing anything im blamed some how..how much trouble can one person get into ? i want to be left alone..i want everyone to pretend i dont exist..i want to go away..i just want to be there without really being there..and im trying to remember how i managed that before ..and first thing is cutting..and i know if im going for empty that works awfully well and i dont care enough right now to even talk myself out of that one..i really dont care at all..im just here to be walked on so not a huge deal what i do when no one bothers noticing anyway..just have to tell myself i cant really just die right now..go back to walking that fine line between living and dying..and i have to be happy and ok for work and then turn into a zombie when im at home because otherwise im just being mean or loud or something..i really am nothing and i guess it just makes me even stupider to keep forgetting that..go back to im fine mode..all i have to do is enough to make it through the day..i dont do more than that anyway

guilt and a whole bunch of other stuff

yesterday i was at home for part of the day and had started cleaning when mommy called for the millionth time and i told her i was in the middle of cleaning already when she went off on her rant about what needed to be done..she ended up telling me i was cutting her off but whatever because its perfectly ok for her to hang up on me when shes in a bad mood..but anyway later after i had gone to the health dept for my tb test stuff i got two calls from my job asking about clients and stuff and so ill be working next week and im really excited about that..i was hoping for one call next week and i get two this week! one is just a fill in for a week and im fine with that and one is a potential client and im just going to meet his family sometime next week and see if i would like to work with them and they also get to have a say in whether they want me to work with there son..so i have to remind myself to not get so worked up and upset over nothing..i have to respect the parents wishes..not a big deal but i know my feelings will be hurt if im told they parents do not want me to be there..and i guess they would feel hurt if i said no but if we dont get along or something it would suck for the client you know..so i just have to kinda keep all of that in mind when i meet them..not a huge deal i guess for some ppl but for me the small stuff throws me sometimes..so thats mostly whats going on next week..oh and i have baby training next week too and i am really excited about that because then i can start working with the babies soon too!

bank stuff is driving me insane..i agree i find it really weird that the company managed to get money out of my account without so much as a phone call to me about it and its ruined my account and so i had to file a claim this morning with my bank but i dont know how long it will take to be fixed..and i dont have the 700 plus dollars to put in my account to cover the overdrafts and stuff this has caused..i dont even have enough to cover insurance and it wouldnt have been so bad had my account not gone into negative and the money i had was left alone but now its like a battle to catch everything and cover what i can but its just stressing me out big time and i hate being told not to stress and worry about it..but i have to its my account and my bills are going haywire and i have to worry because i cant do anything else but call and wait and find out if things can be paid a little bit later..what little im getting back for my taxes is going to go into the bank and that wont even cover all the charges and i was really hoping i would have that money to pay bills with and i cant even do that now..when i signed up for direct deposit with my other job it was only for direct deposit and so the fact that they reversed and took back what was put into my account without so getting in touch with me is a huge pain in the butt..and then my actual job knew nothing about it which makes it all the more weirder..ugh and it all sucks because now everything is once again falling apart since i was planing on the money i had to cover bills and its all gone..the little bit i have in savings cant even begin to cover it all ... so im happy to be working next week so ill start actually getting a steady pay check in march ..and that seems forever away but its really only a couple weeks now..maybe 3 i think..but still immediately it sucks

and one of the things that came up yesterday while i was out and doing stuff for mommy...because i went out and came back and earlier mommy had told me that i would have to bring wayne to town and it was like ok whatever..i got home and suddenly i didnt have to take him but suddenly i just had to come now and get something for nia and take it to her job and then wait around for her to get off of work and take her back to town and go and get stuff for her trip..but when i went and got the stuff from mommy she was all mad at me because i was annoyed and the way i was answering her questions.and it was like why do i have to be happy to be running errands for her and stopping what i wanted to do because i just had to go and do something for her ..and i wonder why its not enough that i do it..why do i have to be happy to do something i dont want to do in the first place? why do i have to be made to feel guilty because im not being happy enough..what else can anyone want from me? its not fair that i cant be whatever it is i want to be or feel or something..and its like no one can handle if im upset or something..and so i have to keep it away and keep being happy even if im not..its not much fun at all..its a pain because everyone tells me im ok and im not but i cant be upset about anything because then they may have to ask why im not ok and no one really wants to know i guess..least of all mommy..

things kinda really bite right now...in the hole money wise and stressing out big time bout it..waiting on answers about it to find how how the company could just put money in my account and then turn around and days later just take it back out! what the heck are they trying to do and so everything is just screwed and im pretty much told to suck it up and not to cry about it..funny how that works..that whole validation thing that i keep seeming to miss...i really just hope im not stuck at home all weekend..

ugh

i hate being treated like im stupid..i hate being talked to like im stupid and i hate most of all not being able to keep how much money i have and what i do with my money to myself...its worse now that im at home but its not like im asking to borrow money or something from her..its the oppisite and i am managing to take care of my bills and get things paid that i need to and i know what im paying and when and still its like she has to be in charge and is yelling at me about how much money i have and dont have and what i should be paying and what i dont need to be buying..god i idont do that much stuffi in the first place and its not like im spending all my money on nothing and just blowing it because i have it..give me some credit here..she was with me when i went to do my taxes and just kept butting and saying stuff that had nothing to do with what i was doing and she just had to be in charge and in control and she stayed until she found out how much i was getting back and then she left...all the time shes asking how much i have..but im taking care of my own freaking bills and its like it counts for nothing at all and i dont know what im doing and all this stuff and its just a pain in the butt bug time..and if i lose my temper or even seem like im mad then im back to being selfish and mean .. it sucks..

and after i was so happyish and ok the past few days..even today because i was managing to get stuff done and actually being able to stay on task and run errands i needed to run..and relax at home and read or play video games when i wasnt doing anything..and its like she comes home and im in trouble for not cleaning up and im getting yelled at about money and its like all the good i was feeling a minute ago is just sucked away and i go back to feeling miserable again..it just sucks

update of sorts

well its been a busy few days..some ups and downs as usual but today is made me feel more optimistic than i have been in a while..training was today and i was really worried about it and stressing as i usually do and wasnt feeling to good yesterday or this morning from everything! but then i left this morning and actually ended up enjoying training as much as one can enjoy listenign to a bunch of rules and policies..everyone was really nice and i really do like the ppl in charge there..the paperwork part of things was overwhelming big time but that didnt even bother me as usual as it usually does..its like im just waiting to get started and i think just being out of the house and kknowing i was doing something productive really helped my outlook..being stuck at home and not doing anything was killing me..i know i was babysitting on the weekends but even that wasnt really enough you know..im used to working or being busy and just so much time was driving me insane..but im liking training so far..i have to go tomorrow but i dont have to go the last two days...because i already have my certs and im just going to do the recert classes instead of taking the whole day class thing..and that makes me feel better too...i talked some in training today but it was also a lot of listening and learning the rules and policies and stuff..it was really interesting getting to talk about all of the different mental illness's and the syptoms and things..i still find that so so interesting! but it was fun and i really liked that part best i think..and then came home and the ppl are here working on the lights and some electrical stuff and they had my room fixed again and that made me feel alot better..because i came home yesterday and had no lights in my room and that really rreally pissed me off after being gone all weekend to come home to no lights in my room and my room was the only one not working..but its fixed and the other lights that were working are fixed and its really nice the have them back on lol..

speent the weekend with riley and harris again and had our usual fun goofing off and chasing each other around the house and tickling and playing scrabble and cnoversating with my friend from israel lol..harris has learned the fine art of chatting online and i let him talk to a friend of mine and now he is positive he knows her and wants to talk to her again lol..and i know im staying with them this coming up weekend also cas there mom is out of town again..and even though there dad is there he kinda likes or me to hang around and its like im getting paid while im there regardless..its like i get paid to have fun and watch movies and hang out lol..who could ask for a better parrt time job :) and harris and riley are both becoming pros at cooking breakfast food! they can now both make pancakes and eggs with little prompting from me :) and they like doing it! this weekend is harris's birthday also and he is turning 9..gosh i feel so old lol considering i have been babysitting him for 9 years and riley for 10..and then harris is using all the age jokes he can and he called me ma'm the other day and i told him he was pushing it lol..i told them they could have me for a year before i left again...talk about attached ..but with those two i dont mind..saw the other 2 girls i used to watch on sunday when they came to visit my two and they both gave me hugs and there mom gave me a hug and its like with both of those families i belong there..im usefull..wonder why that doesnt happen at home?

and to make my night better..i got some extra money and it just made paying bills this month so much easier! im so excited and happy right now..like i can breathe a little bit easier knowing i will make it another month because i was worried since it waws explained today that it would be a little while before i actually started getting paid regularly with my new job..so that was a huge huge big deal..and i wouldnt have even know about it if i hadnt checked my bank account!! wow..now i want to go and trat myself to something nice but ill have to wait until later in the week to do something. funny sometimes how things just manage to work out isnt it..

i hate this feeling

....i think of all the normal and logical emotions i really really hate anger the most..i dont know how to express or get over it or deal with it or anything..its just there rolling around in my head and i dont know what to say to make it go away or become bearable again..i just hate when something sets me off like this and then im stuck because of those the first thing i do is start yelling at myself for being so stupid and after that comes all the wonderful thoughts of cutting just to make it all go away..and it doesnt really solve anything and if im trying not to cut then im just stuck with the back and forth feeling in my head and feeling like im going to explode because ..ugh i dont know..what exactly am i supposed to say or do to make it better?