thinking

i have been really reflective the past couple of days about everything and about nothing at the same time. Trying to decide what to do and how i want to do it. Nervous about the training that starts next week and wondering what will happen if i don't like it or cant handle it. Thinking about school and when to go or if i want to go at all and finally figured out I want to go because I want my Masters and not for anyone else. * There I actually said it, in a matter of speaking lol* But I cant do it this year, I want to wait until next fall since I cant start in the spring anyway. That is far enough away that it gives us something to look forward to but not so far that it seems impossible. I have been thinking about therapy and why it is I am so afraid to go. I mean I talk about it all the time, I think about it all the time, my college years where spent in therapy and once I got out and was on my own and didn't have to answer to anyone about my behaviors I ran with it. Nothing could stop me and I could and still can do whatever I want. But its like the novelty of that has worn off and it feels like Ive stopped trying to be ok. I do just enough to get by and the rest is like I don't care what happens because I'm still here. And Ive been wondering if that makes me a bad person because I have stopped trying. Because I see and hear so many ppl talk about therapy and how helpful it is and all the stuff they learned and also how hard it is. and I cant even get up the courage to call and set up and appt. I have a million and one excuses for why it wont work without trying at all. Do I even have the right to talk to someone else about anything when I am just refusing to deal with anything right now. I don't want to apply at my old school and have the topic of therapy come up, I don't want to seem like a failure because i haven't tried to get better or work on anything. i don't want it to become an ultimatum again where i have no choice in the matter at all and its just go to therapy or you cant stay in the program type thing. Having to sit through that once was more than enough and id rather I never ever had to do it again. I know being at home is making everything worse and going to therapy is just a good idea in the grand scheme of things but i cant get past the fear. i dont even know where the fear came from?! its just a huge deal to need help and i suck for needing it and cant even ask for it without fear of making trouble or being in trouble. funny how a bit of fear can get me to talk myself out of almost everything given enough time. Its just hard

tonight

so random thing for the night is that i found my cd that has been missing for like a year and i knew it was in my car..i just thought my car ate it!

hmm

who know i would be so happy to be using my own computer! i finally figured out how to get my computer to work again on nias connection..so i tried it this morning when i got bored and it took a while but it works :) and now during the day i think ill just set up my comp because i like nias comp and all but its not mine..

feeling a lot like hiding today..kinda a lot ashamed of myself for my scars and not accepting them as much as i could..so im just hanging out at home..ill have to go out tomorrow but for today im just staying here and not really doing anything to important..playing online and watching cartoons and the usual wasting the day type stuff..thought about therapy and why it is i wont call around and it all juts comes to a fear of being rejected or told i cant go..makes it harder not having insurance and i know i could prolly find somewhere but im just nervous about it and so i dont call..keep trying to tell myself its not a big deal and plenty of ppl go to therapy but its not working...being scared still wins out..oh well..

productive day

so ive been up since like 5:30 this morning because mommy asked me to get her up then because she had to go to work early..well gee i wake up and go to get her and of course she is already up..felt stupid for agreeing to do it but i was trying to be helpful..but anyway..went back to bed when she left and then got up a little bit later to take nia to work..and we went out to breakfast and that was cool..and then i ran errands for a bit and then took my car to get the oil changed and i was stuck there for 2 and a half hours!! walmart is only so interesting and then i was just bored and sleepy! but finally it was done and i went over to dees house to get a ps2 game and then i went to the beach to get the console and now i have the ps2 lol :)..and ive decided i want to get guitar hero or rock band after i save up some!! and i got a new webkinz :) and its a husky that ive been looking for forever! and i named her maya and now i have 11 of them lol..can we say obssessed?! but pretty much just wasting time online for now..asked yvonne about coming down some weekend and we could hang out at the beach house after i ask dee of course but i dont see why she wouldnt let me borrow the beach house..and ill just make sure to ask well in advance so she will know i cant babysit..but otherwise today has been a pretty ok day..still kinda down about everything but still trying to be ok and everything..

as i was wondering around walmart after about 2 hours and i was going insane i decided it would be a good idea to get a scrapbook and use it to keep my collages..that way i can have them in one place and not stick them all over the place..and then of course i couldnt find a scrapbook lol.so ill have to keep looking for one..and someone was telling me about this art thing called an altered board book..and its like making collages and other art type stuff but its done in book form..and its like you literally get a book and then paint over it and decorate it anyway you want to and you can do anything to it! i really really want to try it but i need to find a board book..and i saw some in walmart but those were the newer story ones and i dont want to pay 6 bucks to destory and redo a book...so im looking around for some..was talking about art therapy on a board and how it benefits and stuff and i remember i actually liked art therapy..and would go back if i could..and then that brought up going to school for art therapy lol..but it would be like going back and starting over because of all the art classes i would need..so lets work on one degree at a time here! and i have decided i want to go back to school and get my masters before moving big time...but im not shooting for this fall .im planning for next fall..it just to rushed right now and im not wanting to do it so it would be a waste to force myself now and just go and fail..and then in a year and a half in the program im done with school!! just gotta make it to then! gotta save and study for stupid entrance exams and all this stuff..wonder who ill ask for reccomendations?! but plenty of time for that ..but at least ive decided something..now i just have to figure out which schools i want to apply to and at some point ill have to start considering the essay reflection thing...but its ok..i have plenty of time to do it!! im not rushing it because i crack easier under that kinda pressure and would just refuse to do it..and i already know that so its easier to avoid it ...

things to never say...

i dont like being referred to as a drunk just because there are wine coolers in the fridge and have been there for almost a month and we havent drank any since new years. and even then it was only two. what ever happened to being tactful with someone elses feelings? when did that stop being so important? i guess because she is the mother and we are still the child it doesnt matter as much because she is in charge and we have to follow the rules and what she says is still the most important thing. it doesnt seem fair though, that she can keep passing judgement on me for a variety of reasons and i cant even begin to voice an opinion without being yelled at. but im also quick to lose my temper or get defensive because i never know what ill be accused of at any given time..

feel so guilty for not being able to consistently like mommy..i try and sometimes i just have to remind myself of what i have and what ive done.. she has been buying me clothes and things recently becuase a lot of stuff is on sale now and i take them and say thank you because im supposed too. but at the same time all the other stuff cant be forgotten. it doesnt just go away because she is in a giving mood and i have to accept it, whatever it may be at the time. liking her and striving for her love and attention are two completely different things. sometimes i dont care at all and some times i care so much i could just scream because i keep trying to do what is right and to be good and to be perfect and to be the good obediant child. the problem is im not a child anymore at least age wise. yet i cant fully drop the 'child' role here. its ingrained to much, im reminded to much that she is superior and she counts and i dont. i want to kill the vunerable streak that runs deep but is hidden well. the parts that still cry for a mother and comfort and safety that they are not getting. i hate how easy it can be pulled up around motherlike figures, the drive to be told things are going to be ok and that there arent monsters under the bed, or just to get a hug or a little back rub to let us know im noticed and important and okay. and i hate how it never comes from the person it is supposed to come from.

i dont like being called stupid and dumb. i have already graduated from college, ive already worked and lived alone and taken care of a pet and managed things okayish. i can cook and clean and pay bills and do little things to have fun but not to much because always in my head you are there to remind me of my place and not to overstep it. i dont like being at home and suddenly its as if i cant do a damn thing for myself and i have to ask permission to do anything and i have to be happy and smile because if i even look a little sad then something is wrong and i may try to cut myself again and then you will look bad and i will just have a one way ticket into some hospital so everyone can call you a caring and decent mother, with my best interest at heart.

i dont like being called a pig or fat and i dont like it even more when its done in a way to stop others from saying it first. contrary to popular belief most people do not go around calling people fat or pigs in there best interest. most people could care less about someone they did not know.


it doesnt matter, it does matter, and some how i never end up on the winning side. but when did things have to be brokendown into winners and losers?

and it ends again

today is the last day of my mini vacation ...it has been fun though and im glad i came..i needed to come because otherwise i would have just been stuck at home and stressing about everything..i mean yea im still stressing but its in the background now and not taking over everything..i think mommy is a little annoyed ive been gone all week but i didnt ask her for money or anything..and its not like i was doing anything at home anyway..but still i just get the feeling she isnt thrilled at all...mostly being at yvonnes i just hung around and wasted time when she had classes and when she was out of class we were messing around greenville..she got me 2 new care bears the first day i was here for my birthday and for christmas and that was really cool because they are the 25th anniversary ones and they are really soft..and one of them came with a dvd of the first care bears episode..i kinda remembered seeing it or something close to it forever ago but it was still cool getting it..and weve been out to dinner and i have a key to her apartment :) and she told me i can come back whenever i wanted too..i have been doing little things around her apartment to help out but cant do a lot because she is still unpacking and everything..

well

so i did my disappearing act and have been in greenville with yvonne for the past few days..and its been fun..not as anxious anymore surprisingly and i cant complain..funny how getting away for a little while makes everything just a little more bearable.

it has to start somewhere

im tired..sleep and at the same time i dont sleep..however that works..like i go to bed and obviously i sleep because the time changes on the clock when i wake up fifty million times a night..but still im always tired again..i wish i had taken a nap earlier today but i couldnt sleep..i was to antsy..i was bored..i wanted to DO something and there was nothing for me to do..i hate being stuck at home sometimes..its not a big deal during the week because mommy is at work but its the weekend and so mommy is at home and its just way more stress trying to stay out of the way and making sure im not doing anything to get myself into any more trouble..and then yesterday turned into go shopping with mommy day and that took all of my energy..because being in the car with mommy is not something i ever want to do anymore because its like we get in that stupid enclosed space and there is no escape and then she just wants to talk..and i dont want to answer and say as little as possible which just leads to even more questions..but it wasnt to bad i guess..after a while i just stopped getting out of car ..but i suffered and went to the mall and i hate the mall..but i ended up finding something for yvonne so im not complaining..

im waiting for jan to be over so i can start working..i hate not having any money..i hate not doing anything with my time..it sucks and its feels like im just going crazy being stuck here all the time..and just being home is just i dont know..i want to complain and yell and scream and say over and over its not fair..but i dont think that would get me anywhere and im not a big complainer anyway..i keep looking at my calendar and wishing for the year to be over with already..it hasnt gotten off to as good as start as i had hoped..im not doing anything and so i just spend all my time doing i dont know what..and everything i try not to think about comes up and i think about all of it..

as i was looking around myspace for the millionth time today..i was looking through the lists of 'how your feeling' ..like all the emotions for what you can be feeling on any given day and its so stupid..because well first i still have a hard hard time even picking out what im feeling at any given time if its not happy or sad or pissed off..but tonight i wanted shame and well surprise surpise thats not an emotion..so i guess that means im not really feeling ashamed of myself for purging..and at first i wasnt because i didnt care that i had managed to talk myself into the one thing i swore up and down i wouldnt do again..but then after things quieted down all i could think about was how stupid i was for letting myself b/p..its like a huge let down..and i could take the time to look back and count up all the months i had not done it but i dont do that...failing once is failing big and nothing else matters..its like having to start over from square one yet again and i dont want to have to do that again..all i want to think about is how bloody easy it is to purge when i want to and what i have to do next time to stop it from hurting and reminding myself not to panic and all the stuff i hate thinking about and planning just comes rushing back after one stupid little screw up..and im guessing a light bulb should be going off or something because i get all this stuff from b/p and can actually sit down and process and all the boring junk..but when it comes to cutting i turn into a locked box..i dont even want to acknowledge im back to doing it on a reg basis much less figure out why..i still dont know why i prefer one to the other and i dont know why i protect one more than the other..doesnt make sense at all

song

i dont wanna be me
amanda clemens

I'm not feeling so bold
Can't you see I don't wanna grow old?
And my photograph's an epitaph of parody
I don't wanna be me

I'm not feeling so sure
It would help if you offered a cure
If I wait, it's too late for the remedy
I don't wanna be me

You won't save me
'Cause I'm not the fortunate one
So, don't blame me
If I decide to go hide or instead to just run

I'm not feeling so well
Maybe we could just sit for a spell?
And make amends, it depends on my injury
I don't wanna be me, I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me

You won't save me
'Cause I'm not the fortunate one
So, don't blame me
If I decide to just run

You won't save me
'Cause I'm not the fortunate one
So, don't blame me
If I decide to go hide or instead to just run

If I decide to go hide or instead to just run...
If I decide to go hide or instead to just run

she does things that she knows makes us mad for no reason at all..why come all the way upstairs to just yell at him for his room not being clean..what is the point of doing that if he is still in bed? and im just pretty much ignored except to be asked why im up so early..ive already been up for over 2 hours! it just doesnt make sense sometimes the way she acts

hmm still really not ok with yesterday night at all..and before that it was spend the day with mommy and a lot of talking about nothing i really wanted to talk about anyway..i hate being stuck with her alone...but anyway got through it and mommy cant drive and yea not really fun being in the car with us and in the pouring rain..i could have thought of a million fther things i would have rather been doing..but we went to the mall and walked around a bit and i got yvonnes christmas/house warming gift since i hadnt gotten her anything yet..hope she like them!

im not getting how it is i cant remember anything and now hope mommy and wayne now i dont remember anything..dont know if it will come up again but i feel stupid for not being able to know my stupid life..last night wayne was talking about how we tried to run away as kids and we couldnt get the door unlocked..i would have been around 4 or 5 and he was 7 or 8..and well it didnt work but it was like it never happened at all and what 5 yr old tries to run away in the first place ?!..he was talking about it and i tried hard to remember and couldnt..i dont remember the houses we lived in in ny or the performances they said we did ever year at carnegie hall and here i am thinking ive never even been there! and i get told yea you performed there...i dont remember my school (minus the uniform bit), i dont remember being driven to school..i dont remember going to church on sunday or any of the stuff they were talking about..its sucks all of it..i have no idea what has really gone on with my dorky little life..but i had to have done it because i have two ppl telling me about it and asking me about it and i just feel stupid because they know and i dont

i dont remember :( :( went to dinner with mommy and wayne tonight and they were talking about all this stuff that we did when i was younger and i had no idea about any of it..couldnt remember names or places or dates or things i had done..and its like i wasnt even there..nothing rung a bell...they cant believe i dont remember..i cant believe i dont remember ..its miserable not knowing anything

random things about me..

well for nothing else to do ..i figured i would give this a little more thought...
and im trying to remember some stuff i have on myspace to make it go easier lol..random stuff about me some stuff im guessing not to many ppl know..

so
- i like vampires and werewolves..and blood and chocolate is a great book but a horrible movie!
-i had a twin sister
-i want a penguin and to live in alaska..i already have a pony :)
-i get seasick and have yet no idea how ill be making that trek to alaska!
-i want to travel overseas..new zealand and ireland are places i really want to go and see..maybe paris but im not sure
-i like painting and making collages although i suck at both
-i hate driving and find it really really mega boring!
-i like watching cartoons
-im a fast reader and love going to the library
- i have a grocery store obsession
-i tend to like cooking and not eating what i fix
-i love archery and again suck at it
-i hate talking and do everything to avoid it..i can do for a couple days without talking to anyone if im not careful
-i want to live in key west and party
-i hate drinking but do it anyway sometimes
-i listen to the same songs over and over
-purple is my favorite color
- i suck at making and keeping eye contact
-ive hiked for 4 days more than once and lived to tell about it lol
- picked up a jellyfish
- saw a wild dolphin
-saw wild horses once
-i like taking pictures
- i want to write a book
hmm thats all i can think of for now..nothing to thrilling

oh and i forgot to add..im a vegetarian who hates vegetables..thats always fun to explain

another day

writing is a funny funny thing..sometimes its like i can write for forever and not care because well its not like i have a million ppl reading this but at the same time i wonder who would want to read it..i used to play with the idea of giving my teachers the link so they would know while i was still in school and it only took a few mintues to realize that would be a bad idea..more so since they already knew some tuff and that stupid little promise to tell if i wasnt safe..well gee if i wanted to tell i wouldnt have been in all that trouble in the first place! duh .. but at the same time they know i write a lot because i dont talk and ive had to do school journals and stuff and just rambled on and on and on lol..but other than that i can think of a few ppl i would invite to read it but that would be a really really incredibly big step up from my usual im fine leave me alone game..dont know..maybe ill ask one of my teachers but i think i better wait until when everim sitting in her office again..might be a little bit easier that way and i could pull it up and take the address off so she cant really get back to it..but there are ways to get around doing that and i know a million ways to pull up my blog without even using the actual address but im hoping that she doesnt know to many of them lol...but still zoned out a bit and ended up looking back over some of my old posts..and now i remember why it is i dont do that..its like pick any month..any year..any freaking post and its all the same thing..my questioning a million and one ways to die ok maybe not flat out but geez if nothing else im incredibly consistent) hmm kinda depressing in its own way but whatever..i wont be doing that again anytime soon

hmm woke up feeling a bit sickish incredibly early..so im hoping ill crash after the library..and im nervous about going by myself because im still a little unsure of the way..but i hope it will be ok..and then cleaning and then maybe babysitting..dont know yet about the last one..but im sure either riley or harris will call looking for me after school today..random thought...wonder if the rubberband on the wrist really works..ugh ive forgotten all the stuff i was told over the years in wonderful therapy and i still hate i have to consider going back..ok geez my head is all over the place right now..like its really funny how many things a person can think about at once and still manage to have a half way decent convo or write or whatever..gosh im thinking a million different things and i think when i happens i dont write anything concrete..more like i start going back and forth between a bunch of different stuff and ramble about nothing..ok i think i may need to take that trip up to greenville next week or the week after or sometime in the next couple weeks..i really really do and if nothing else i can crash my teachers offices and go to there classes and all the stuff i never wanted to do when i was actually a student lol..and it doesnt matter because im not being graded :) ok ive offically lost my mind it seems..so yea getting out for a while is a good thing!

and so i thought about it..and its not really a thing of trust its more of a thing of can anyone else handle reading it..i dont even like reading it..

goal

goal for tomorrow is to go to the library...if i dont make it then theres a huge chance ill just talk myself out of going and waste the day at home again...did go to a couple grocery stores today and that was the highlight of my day..incredibly pathetic yes i know..so tomorrow i hope to go to the library..so i can get a bunch of books to keep me busy next week...where ever im at

funny how im the one without a job and yet im the one lending everyone money! yea id love to know how that works exactly..

hmm bought new razors just to have them..and most likely use them but for now i just stuck them in a drawer and maybe just maybe ill forget where they are..

havent come up with a decision yet for if im going to see yvonne or not..half expecting mommy to say i cant go or something..and i feel a little guilty for even thinking about going but i just dont think i can stay here either..so i just dont know..more pros than cons for this one but i just still feel so guilty over it..

and just feeling a bit crummy ..ok a lot crummy but i have to go and finish cooking and cleaning up the kitchen before mommy gets back

..

im surprised ive been online almost all morning..watching epis of degrassi and pretty much wasting time..i dont want to do anything and if i could have slept for longer i would have just stayed in bed all morning and still done nothing..i dont want to talk to anyone or be around anyone..not that it would be much difference in my day considering i rarely talk to anyway except mommy or wayne..and i dont want to talk to them either..actually all i pretty much want to do is cut..and i was thinking about the absurbness of the entire situation..my legs are where i cut now..more so my ankles and various other areas but im sticking to my legs for now..i was cutting my shoulder last week and its easier to get caught that way..but i dont like sleeping with socks on and so i was laying in bed almost asleep and realized that mommy is crazy enough to have incredibly light sheets on my bed..i refuse to let her do my laundry but still..very uncool having sheets that light when im back to having various open cuts all over the place again..i could keep something on them but i dont want too..my head has gone empty it seems..guess thats just to bad..on a different note...yvonne said i could come and stay with her and i am giving it some thought..im not doing anything worth mentioning next week and i would only stay until friday if i left here on sunday because of babysitting on the weekends..but i dont think i can handle another week at home doing nothing..ive cut three time in the past week..more than ive done in a long time and its just getting worse...not that im saying going to yvonnes is going to make it stop..but just maybe getting away will help calm me down a little bit..dont know and havent decided..and its easy getting lost on campus..

nevermind

it was a stupid idea
im looking for another job
all of it is just stupid
im stupid
and thats about all

hmm

after thinking about it a lot the past few days and hearing mommy ask me again and again if im looking for a new job and how many applications i put in i realized that one its annoying the heck out of me..and two that well its not really about her at all..but shes making it about her without really saying so...like i need to get a job and it has to be better than what she has and i have to have benfits and all this stuff..and no where in there ive i been asked if i like what i picked or if i want to do it or anything..and somewhere along the way all the excitement i felt and relief about getting a job just kinda went away...and got lost underneath everything im being told and its just not fair at all..so as i want looking through the newspaper yet again this morning because mommy so conviently left it on the table again and saw another ad for the place that hired me..and its like i havent even been through there training yet to see if i want to actually take the job...and it makes me feel guilty to keep putting in applications when ive already been signed up for the training and its like ok why cant i wait and see...i knew benefits werent included and i still agreed to do the training..this is what i want to do becuase its keeping me working one on one with ppl and kids and babies..and its not just a monday - friday job..and i was comfortable there and all this other stuff that i liked about it and its like its being taken away before i even get there! so no ive decided im not applying for anything else right now..i dont want to..im ok with what i picked even if mommy isnt..i want to do the training and learn more indepth what ill be doing and all of that..the problem comes along when its sticking to my choice and not being talked out of it..again..shes trying to make me like her and i dont want that..i cant really make plans based on the future when i cant even stay in the present completely..

ive got to find something to do to improve my mood..i really really do

funny

Which Goddess lurks in your soul?
Athena

You are a wise one, my dear! Athena is the Greek Goddess of wisdom, disciplined war, philosophy and knowledge. She is a selective Goddess, as she only inhabits those of your high intelligence and keenness to learn great things. You’re usually not seen without a book in your hand or your eyes glued to the internet (which is, after all, the great information highway!). This should not suggest that you don’t enjoy people, as your cleverness and sharp wit are usually in full force when in a social situation, to everyone’s delight.


- i was on myspace of course and ran into this quiz and took it just cas..and the whole thing is just funny..and i have no idea why! i mean given it does describe me pretty well but still..not what i was expecting and i know some of the greek mythology and find it pretty interesting ..but i wasnt looking to end up being like athena!

is it making excuses..

is it making excuses for not applying for grad school if i say i dont want to rush and try for fall semester...regardless of the reasons i have which i really did think were reeasonable and i have looked at the school website and the applications and all the stuff involved and decided i didnt want to do it now..but it is wrong for me not to try or put some effort into it? i dont know

...

you know what...if i get sick or something i hope i dont die because all anyone seems to worry about is that i have no insurance..i havent had insurance for like 3 years..whats the big deal now?! i dont get it..and now im being told to look for a better job and to apply for grad school and all this stuff and its like ok can i do training at this place and see if i even like it first before i have to go and plan the rest of my future?! i dont know what i want to do..i dont know where i want to go to school or anything..and i do want to go back to school i jut dont know when or how or anything and its just hard trying to juggle everything at the same time and figuring out what im supposed to be doing to make everyone else happy..because my being happy just isnt that important..

you ever get the feeling that you just arent wanted around.

sigh

feeling a lot of stuff right now..no idea what im supposed to be feeling..but mommy is not feeling well again and i feel guilty and selfish for not showing more concern..but i try and then she just start telling me all this stuff i need to do and i dont want to be near her anymore and i just have a hard time controlling my temper..what little one i have..and it sucks..and im just tired of getting so defensive when i know im supposed to be patient and give chances and all this stuff that just doesnt happen when im around mommy..and im feeling sad today..woke up yelling awfully in my head..kinda almost as bad as it was getting before..and it kinda threw me for a loop becuase i wasnt expecting it at all to be like that ... cut this morning..well a little while ago..considered burning ..considered all of it again and it just i dont know..it was calming..in ways i hate to admit and then its like if im caught ill be dead..ill be so far beyond dead i dont know what to do if mommy happens to find out and go threw with her threats of a hospital if i did it again..ill just forget that i never stopped in the first place..feeling off today..really really off and upset..

nothing to interesting

trying to waste time before going downstairs but im hungry and so guess ill have to go eventually..its been a buzy weekend and im tired..feeling really worn out..funny cas i spent the week being bored out of my mind and then the weekend hits and its back and forth for babysitting..not that i mind because i do love going over to there house and i have to admit i fixed a killer dinner for them last night lol..couldnt even eat part of it but the mac and cheese was really good..finally gave in and ate some..and then we went to the grocery store in the middle of the niight for candle and sprinkles and prtty much all things junk food and went back and made rice krispie goo :) which is what we ended up calling it lol..and it did look like spiderwebs as i let them play in and decorate them ..i told them the next time we made some i would dye it a different color and then they could decorate and play in it..i was going to let them play in the food coloring last night but there were no gloves and there hands would have been covered in food coloring we couldnt get off! i dont think there mom would have been to thrilled with that part of it but then she was quite pleased that we had made them..and it was a lot of fun..and then the oldest one ended up watching titanic with me ..well the last part of it and i told him im never ever watching a serious movie with him again lol..we get to the part where jack dies and there doing the cheesy ill never let go part..and of course she does let go and the first thing he says is .. 'she let go! she said she would never let go and she let go' im laughing at him and telling him thats not the point but it was really funny..i think my ugh reactions are off a bit lately..we were playing online on the howrse site and i was checking his and we sign in and his horse has died..now in any other circumstance i wouldnt have found it funny at all..but we laughed about it all night..and it was a semi serious thing..like his horse had died and even thinking back on it now its still really funny...ah we are a pair lol..and then i was laughing at him about his birthday gifts he is asking for..he wants an itouch..and i had never heard of those and so i asked him what it was and he tells me its an iphone without the phone..ok that just makes no sense to me at all and ive been laughing at him all weekend for that ..and he keeps bringing it up because he knows i find it funny ...its been weird..but still enjoyable ..actually well anytime not spent at home is enjoyable..and i feel bad for saying that

never good enough

i thought getting a job was what i was supposed to do? i thought it was good to you know send out resumes and get interviews and find a job..i thought that was the important thing...and i was so happy and pleased yesterday because i had managed to have and go to an interview and not drop dead because i was so nervous and i went and talked and felt ok and even comfortable there talking with the lady who was doing my interview..and i was ok when i left and so excited when i got home..and then mommy comes home and just asks a few questions and then how much im going to be making and its like ok fine i knew it was coming but still it just kinda sucked being asked anyway..because she doesnt care that i have a job all thats important is how much i make as usual..and then she starts asking if im going to be putting in more applicatins and still looking for another job! i thought the whole point of saying i found a job was so that i could stop looking..no i dont plan on staying there forever and no i dont really mind that there are no benefits included..and yes ill be working come feb..but no i hadnt freakin planned on putting in any more appliactions..see i have this loyalty part of myself that i kinda like to keep in my head and if i get a job im not going to just up and quit before i even start because something with benefits comes along..and i wanted this job because it wasnt in an office and i wasnt going to be stuck behind a desk and i still get to work with kids..and everything i want for now in a job! and then in my free time i can look into grad schools or moving or whatever it is i want to do after this because i cant stay here longer than a year..i dont want to and i have no intention of doing it..so by this time next year ill be doing something else and ill have saved up enough to get a new car and pick some random place to live if im not in school or something..but i dont really know ..but why ruin my good mood to question whether or not im going to keep looking..its my choice right ? even if its just for a few months a job is a job and bills dont happen to stop just because i dont have a job..and now i wonder if it was the right choice i guess..all it takes in one person to doubt it and then tell me about it and its like maybe i did the wrong thing..maybe i shouldnt have agreed to do the training..maybe maybe maybe ugh..its not fair! i wanted to be happy about it and i was and now its like i dont care..no acomplishment or anything..like i did everything for nothing..and it doesnt matter..
and to make it all better mommy called me a pig last night..i wasnt even doing anything..i just happened to be standing in the kitchen talking to her about something else and she just asked if i wnted dinner and i couldnt decide but was going to say no anyway and she just turns around and tells me not to be a pig..well gee that was score one ofr self confidence there..and suddenly my glaring lack of pain lately comes back full force..and i wonder when was the last time i really did anything at all that hurted big time..its like well you could care less about how i felt anyway so why not just go ahead and make sure i can do make it hurt more..and i can..its just a matter of whether i really want to do it..and i do..i was trying and i was putting effort into being at home and staying ok..but now i could really care less..im here and ill stay here because i have no where else to go but its like ill just go back to doing what i was to stay calm and well here in a matter of speaking..i want to say its not fair but it makes no difference either way does it? no it doesnt matter at all..so much for trying..im still nothing

just shoot me plz

i got a job!!!!

and im back..and i can say i got the job i dont start until feb but i got the job ..the next training starts at the beginning of feb and then ill be paired up with ppl to work wwith!!! and since its a homecare thing my hours arent set in stone lol..but the lady who interviewed me was really nice and once she started i stopped being nervous! and it helped that i was kidna doing the same thing at my old job...but im feeling much much calmer now



and now i just have to find some way to make extra money for the next three weeks lol

oh my gosh

'im not really me unless im pretending to be someone else'

well of all the places to go and visit on line this morning.i ended up at healthboards..its been two years since i was last there!!! god it seems like forever ago..and going back it still annoys me how they named the si board..not that its a big deal or anything..but still i ended up looking around a little bit and it makes me sad that all the old ppl have kinda drifted away..we all just kinda stopped going and now the board is overrun with new ppl..and i guess thats not entirely fair since i havent thought about the board in forever but i just liked it more before when i knew the ppl better and we were our own little group..i miss them..and only sometimes talk to one of the girls from my time on the board..i hate how we have all lost touch with each other .. but i posted anyway asking about the old ppl so maybe some are still hanging around..

interview

feeling really nervous and anxious but at the same time im not..i think i got so bored being stuck at home that a job interview is a huge step in the right direction..i think and i hope so anyway..finished the application finally this morning..i was stuck on listing the job duties from my other job and i feel like i left some out but i got the main ones..and i didnt realize how nerve wrecking that could be..when im just listing what i did .and as i couldnt sleep this morning i was thinking about strengths and weaknesses..because i just know they will ask and that question always stops me dead...i freeze up and cant think of anythiing at all to say..i think ive been told to always have at least 2 or 3 for each incase it comes up..well i dont think saying im a spazz counts as a weakness at all!! so im still thinking about those.easier coming up with strengths even if i may not completely believe them..but for now thats not the point..i want this job and so im going to do everything possible to get it and relax and be myself (whoever that may be lol) mommy im guessing will call later to wish me luck but i guess she forgot this morning..

its official

im am so far beyond broke right now i have no idea what to do about it ... feeling so nervous about the interview tomorrow..ive become stand in cook and maid at home..fun and i dont know why i was expecting otherwise...and if nothing comes of the interview tomorrow then its back to filling out applications all next week..i hate this i really do..i dont handle to much free time well at all..went out today just to get out of the house and run a few errands and mommy calls looking for me because no one picked up the phone at home..not my problem if wayne doesnt want to talk to her and yet she keeps questioning me about him like i care one way or another what he does..i dont not in the slightest..but i find it funy she implies im fully capable of finding a job with no help but my 26 yr old brother needs everyone looking for him..makes no sense to me..

hmm

kinda miserable how fast the depression thing can creep up on me..kinda annoying..but just been kinda down the past couple days and i dont really know why..kinda feeling left out and invisible at home..and spending my time alone in a house full of ppl..how does that work?! worried and stressing about finding a job because there are a million things to be paid and it all keeps piling up because well gee i cant pay anything ugh...just barely managed to make enough to cover my insurance with last weekends babysitting..and thats with spending almost nothing for anything else..and then all these other things just keep coming up and i want to scream from the stress of it all..if i could have anything in the world and not have to worry about giving it back then all i ask for is a couple thousand dollars to pay bills with..not even play with and ive had to really really restrain myself from buying new books..and lately thats all i want and all i do..i go away and read..what i think about 5 or so books since christmas!! that would be a ton of reading for anyone else but its just not enough..i cant figure out any other way to go away so reading it is..hmm went to the employment place and didnt like it at all...i just got the feeling that they didnt care a bit and they saw to many ppl and had to much stress...whatever the reason was i just didnt feel comfortable there..waited for almost an hour to be called back for about 10 mins and i was done! it was so annoying..ugh..i have no desire to go back there at all..id rather read every newspaper and look online to find a job...and actually i do have an interview on thursday that im a bit nervous about..im trying to keep my options open but this particular place doesnt start training again until feb! a whole month away almost and thats implying that i get the job..still holding out for the first one ..but i know ill have to start putting in more applications..so im checking the newspaper again today when mommy gets home just to see if there is anything else i could apply for..i dont know..im going crazy stuck at home and every day mommy is asking if i heard anything or if i have any money and all this stuff that i dont have answers for..its like a neverending supply of stress and worry and anxiety right now :(

speechless

im speechless right this minute...and i guess thats saying alot lol..but have you just ever gotten a comment that just floored you in its unexpectedness and honesty? and that it came from someone who knew and worked with me for a summer so its not as if it came out of the blue from some person i never met..but this is an honest to goodness real person who saw me so frustrated i didnt know what to do over the summer at the camps..and who i worked with in passing and greww to like a lot but from afar you know because im not big on making friends and everything..but she was just so carefree and my kids loved being in the art room with her ( this person was the art teacher for the summer camp) and i knew she had been in the psych hospital and had an ed..and it was just one of those if you only knew kinda things but anyway..this is the comment she left on my myspace page


You know... I always looked up to you in awe... I want to be where you are someday... in the way you act... interact with the kids... deal with life...
Just wanted to let you know!



i wrote her back and told her thanks but i keep going back and looking at the message because it surprises the heck out of me..its like that little vote of confidence ive been missing lately..i never exxpect anyone to look up to me or tell me ive done anything good or well you get the picture..and part of me is fighting hard to not take it for what it is and question why and everything but this is one of those random times when i want to nice feeling it leaves..i do..

therapy

i woke up thinking about therapy this morning..weird dream about having therapy over the phone when i hate talking on the phone and i was falling asleep on the phone and just felt guilty for not talking and yea it was really weird..why is it that i cant just say ok ill go..its not a big deal just talking right ?? and yet you would think i was a step away from signing my death sentence or something..it just scares me so much and its so humiliating having to need to go to therapy in the first place..i hate thinking i need help regardless of how much i do need help... its just ingrained to deep..hide everything and everything will be ok and now i get seem to get away from that..i dont know what to say or what to talk about and somethings its like ill die if i get to close to saying to much anyway..sometimes its like just standing in front of a wall and i cant get around it or through it or anything and im just stuck and no one can help me..i cant decide and i dont know what to do...also work up this morning really wanting to hurt and that turned into cutting but then i couldnt decide where to do it not if i wanted to do it..how screwed up is that?! if nothing else screamed go back to therapy well that did and still i want to fight it all the way..and even if i went eventually they would have to get my info from my other doc and that worries me too..i keep thinking she will write that the only way to get info out of me is to make me write it down..yea its true but i dont want anyone to actually say that about me..and i dont even know what she would say and im prolly just freaking about about nothing..

ok day

today is friday and that is pretty much cleaning day at home for as long as i can remember..so its just kinda i know that before i can actually leave the house without feeling guilty about it ...and im babysitting tonight anyway..so i actually put some effort into cleaning my room and got all of dustis stuff straightened up..and went through the clothes i plan on giving away and got them bagged up and everything..and did my hair and now i have to just clean the bathroom and the kitchen and play a game of scrabble and then ill get dressed to get out of here..well just to go to work but thats ok..not much to write about... feeling better today at least and im guessing some of not feeling good is just my body getting used once again to my changing eating habits..i really should just pick something and stick to it! but i guess in a couple weeks ill be fine and for now im not to worried..dusti was trying to get on mommys bed last night with mommy in it..but when mommy told me about it today she wasnt to mad but now i have to make sure dusti doesnt get out of my room at night..and the nia and everyone is all freaked dusti will go in there rooms at night..but oh well..ill just keep her in my room at night..but i hate that if im not here then they just try to lock her in my room all the time and wont let her out..its not like she does anything to anyone at all but nia is still scared of her..other than the usual stuff today has been alright..it helped that the house was quiet for part of the morning

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

power and control

for some reason ive been stuck on ages again lately...keep wondering where the blame is supposed to be placed when the ages are incredibly close together and one is being hurt..maybe both were hurt i dont know..and i asked my questions in a couple places and eventually the subject got around to who had power and control and who didnt...wasnt really based on age either..and i rarely give power or control much thought because im used to doing what im told regardless..but in a way thats me giving up what little control i may have over something..and now ive been thinking a lot about how that plays into things and its odd because it really has nothing to do with age or size or gender or any of the other obvious deciding factors..because when i think about it i go to the most obvious thing ..someone had to be older and so someone had to be able to say stop or something..but that may not a completely accurate assumption..because if one person is being forced i guess to do something they dont want to do then one of the two had to know to stop fighting..or somewhere along the line leading up to everything someone learned to not say no inorder to make things easier and look where it got them..none of it really makes sense though..and im not even sure what im looking for anymore

in some sense im not doing well at all..im worn out trying to keep with everything..and this morning mommy got back so im up before 8 because she was yelling at me about money and whether i was looking for a job or not..doesnt matter that she woke me up and i wasnt completely keeping up with all the questions..but its like oh i dont know just hard...feeling really dejected about things at home..

on the other hand i was asked to spend the night over the weekend because the kids parents are going out of town..and i told her i would..i need the money i do but i also like being over there as i told her last night..i took the boys to barnes and noble yesteerday and it was fun..like our third trip there in a couple weeks lol..i helped them pick out books..and the youngest one got where the sidewalk ends which is one of our favorite books and i was reading it to him last night for an hour..and the oldest got eragon even though when we talk about that book we have to talk about the night i took them to see it and he fell asleep in the first 20 mins of it :). i knew he would but the two other kids i was with wanted to see it and we had to go to a late one lol..so now the rule is no late movies because riley will fall asleep in it! i cant believe they are turning 11 and 9 this year..and still its jsut ive known them forever and im treated like im the greatest person ever when im with them..ill have to bring my camera so i can get some new pictures of them...we were watching videos on youtube yesterday and i showed them the funny one from the blue man group and they are going around singing the chorus part of it lol..and we watched school house rock and shel sliverstein poems and some music videos..and it was fun..

sometimes

sometimes it is as if i dont even fit in in my own house...even here my ability to do things is based on how much i can give someone else..

not feeling good..starting to worry about mommy coming home tomorrow night..

2008

its 2008...i stayed up all night in the end lol..that last hour was just painful !! but still managed to stay up and caught the ball dropping on tv..and then it was over and it was just another day.. just weird...came over to dees house early to straighten up a bit and feed the dog..dont plan on staying long though because they are coming home today and im not really feeling like babysitting but i will if i have to..and then i will prolly just be hanging out at home today..and waiting for the world to return to normal tomorrow!



but still im really hoping 2008 will be a good year..cant help it