for the record

and for the record. according to mommy this morning we are all bastards and worthless


i really dont know why i bother trying

back home

we are back..got home late last night...no more 20 hour trips for a while..im done! i dont even want to look at the inside of a car right now..but it was nice being able to drive my own car again and having all r own stuff in the car..and just i guess the comfort of knowing it was my space..not shared or crammed full of stuff..well its my car so yea it is crammed full of stuff lol..but still its my stuff..

the trip was ok..the drive was hard to deal with..and saturday ended up not really being ok..and some how managed to tell yvonne that i just needed to stay distracted..and that was hours after cutting but she picked up on the silence a bit more after being together for a week..we had a rather interesting conversation one night at her grandparents and she just kinda told me she figured i was cutting way back when we met/lived together.. among other things and it surprised the heck out of me because i was incredibly careful you know..it was never an issue..and i didnt deny it or come right out and agree that i was..but i guess not saying anything at all was as good as saying yea i was cutting..and she called me on my lovely fake excuse for how the scars got on my arm...funny excuse but obviously not true if you thought about it for a while..but eventually i got around to telilng her that i had an agreement with my doc to call if i really wasnt safe and everything and told her not to worry but well no one seems to listen to me when i say that..but trying not to think to much about it..cas i think it was just more shocking than anything else..overall the trip was fine...a lot overwhelming with all the ppl i didnt know and going place..i think it makes it harder for me because yea everyone i met was really nice and welcoming and here i am just sitting in almost absolute silence..afraid to say anything or be noticed or even looked at for that matter..and so many ppl wanted hugs and i did a bit better than just standing there and leaving my arms down but it was just a bit to much at times..i was better when it was just her grandparents that i was around but anyone else and i just didnt say much..at all..ever .. but while we were there we toasted breakfast in the fireplace..my idea! i walked in and saw the fireplace that was in the kitchen and it was like great i want to make breakfast..and we did one morning and it was cool...and majorly hot!

but now its back to everything at home..schedules and work and therapy and im glad to be back i am..and its prolly helping alot that mommy is stilll out of town until tomorrow sometime..less stress being at home at least for another day..

still really sad about saturday though and how nothing swayed the thoughts from cutting..realized how much it was missed and wanted and its like all i really wanted was an excuse to stop trying so hard..mess up once..no need to keep trying type stuff..a lot harder now though because my arm is still sore..and the whole day is still fairly clear in my head..and i dont know..trying to keep reminding myself i dont have to cut.but now i want too..and i could just scream for having razors with me in the first place..the ones we got months ago and never used just keeps managing to switch bags and so had them... no real idea how to tell linda what happened..didnt call her..and still havent because im ok..surprisingly..really sad at times about cutting and everything but not suicidal...currently..and that may be from cutting..

20 hour drive and other randomness

we are now in louisiana and it took us 20 hours to drive down here..i slept almost the entire trip which is really odd all by its self because normally i dont sleep like that on long trips..normally im the one sitting awake bored out of my mind.but it had been areally busy week before we left..i was sick..and tired and just completely out of it..so maybe thats why i slept so much on the drive..but i really was rather useless in the whole thing..because i would be talking and then id be sleep and then id have to fight to wake myself up again...really weird..but we made it safely and it is nice being here...completely not what i expected..its just different is all..yvonnes grandparents are really nice though..forever asking if i need or want anything..they tell me good morning and good night and its like i almost dont know how to deal with it because it doesnt happen any where else..i dont get it from anyone else...and i dont know how to respond to it really..its hard and today im feeling a little sad and quiet but i dont know...im alright..hard getting used to having no pressure at all..i dont have to do anything..i dont have to talk..im not expected to or told to do anything at all..its a nice feeling..doesnt happen often and i know ill be a basketcase when it comes time to leave and go home..mostly though my days are just going around with yvonne and her grandparents to run errands and visit ppl...and i mostly just sit and watch..because well new ppl..and me talking just so dont really go together at all..but i am ok..i think

....just stuff

made it through the night without cutting ...127 days without cutting..lil over 4 months..hard to believe..really really hard to believe..well the suicidal feelings rent a good trade off for not cutting but still...feeling really sad today though..just kinda dejected about everything .. struggling to stay focused on what i need to do and get done by friday and mommy isnt making it any easier on me..so i think tonight ill be focusing on moving rooms and getting that all done and taken care of..tomorrow will be packing since i actually did laundry last night and that makes it easier to pack..and then making sure dusti is taken care of and christmas shopping tomorrow too..and then therapy again on friday after work..and last minute stuff friday night to stay awake until time to leave..and then endless hours on the road..not looking forward to sitting still for that long and im sure after the first few hours ill be wanting to get out of the car and never drive anywhere ever again..but bringing all my usual distraction stuff to kinda help with the restlessness and then the anixety about being somewhere new...cas even though i know her grandparents wouldnt hurt me or do anything to me im still scared of being there..and not really knowing the area or what to expect..i think the not knowing is bothering me most of all right now..

still thinking lots about therapy yesterday and im afraid because im actually starting to talk to her..and yea she still has to ask a lot of questions and nope i dont make it easy on her at all but all that aside i actually told her i was worried about leaving and not seeing her next week..and even went and asked her if she wanted to come along with yvonne and i..couldnt believe i actually asked that..couldnt believe i had even told her some of what was really bothering me..and then of course i told her about the suicide stuff not working and how i was still trying to think of another plan of sorts..and its like i wasnt supposed to do that..talking about how much i want to die just isnt supposed to happen because thats the last bit of control i have in a way..if no one knows then obviously i cant be stopped..and i guess i dont want to be stopped but then i went and told her because im not even sure i want to die..and none of it makes sense and im worried about all of it..shes worried because im so hopeless and think that im just not going to be fixed..and if she cant help then i dont know what my options become because at that point..if it gets to that point im sure i wont like or want those options...in some ways im still controlling the thoughts..ive promised to call her if i had to and i will..i have..but still the fear of doing something without getting intouch with her or not being ablee to wait..or even just thinking i need to do it scares me enough to tell her and tell all of it..
but im ok i guess..no worse than usual after making it through yesterday

really upset

was earlier and i guess that kind of explains it all in a nut shell. :(

but it took what 5 or so hours before the big feelings hit i guess...im afraid.im scared..i want to cry..i want to cut..i really want to cut.. i want to comforted..i want a hug to be touched ..loved..wanted..but my aversion to being touched gets in the way..i just want to know that im ok..that things will be ok..i want someone to rub my back..acknowledge me existence..calm my fears..i dont even know where the fears are coming from..im afraid of everything today..im scared to leave even though i want to go out of town..im afraid to tell my therapist how bad the thoughts are getting how constant..i tried today and hated admitting that i was even still suicidal..that one plan didnt work..cant work now and so im ready to think up another plan..that should worry me and it doesnt..i was more worried about telling t and having her worry about me..everything is bothering me right now..but being scared and wanting to cut to calm the need to cry is taking over my head...ive written..ive watched cartoons..ive wasted time..and still all i want to to just lay down and cry forever..and i dont know why

mommy came home in a bad bad mood...lots of yelling and stuff...made feelings of wanting to cut much stronger..want to cut so very much

thinking

i keep thinking that there has to be more to life .. that there is something that i am missing..and i think that because of talking about boundaries lately with linda i know what it is...im still trying so hard to protect myself to live and not live at the same time..i dont allow any one to know me..i dont talk to anyone..i live at home and some days its like i dont know they people i live with..i dont see the world completely i guess..its all overshadowed in a way..covered by something but im not sure what it is..my comfort zone is so solid and unforgiving..nothing can come in or out without me knowing about it indepth before i ever agree to do it..or allow it in..and then i miss out on all the little things..i miss out on remembering all the little things..and that makes me so sad..and feel hopeless

but there are ppl who havent given up on me..i have to remember that
its just hard sometimes
to keep going
to not give up

im ashamed of myself..for looking for the pills..for wanting them..for being willing to just steal them and have them..and keep them...but what good would it do because once i have them then it would be oh so easy to take them all..but i dont have them..they are all gone..they are not there anymore..and that upsets me..i wanted them..i needed them..i looked for them..if i found them i would have taken them..and now that plan wont work anymore..and im at a loss for what i want to do now...i didnt realize it would disappoint me this much..i didnt realize how much i needed them to move on with the so called plan..even though i told linda i would call her if what i was thinking got anymore detailed..she trusts me to call her if my plan becomes something more than just a plan and im upset that i actually considered not doing it..the thoughts are still there and that bothers me..but now also im worried because its like plan 1 didnt work so now i just need to stay calm and focused and come up with something else..like nothing is going to take my attention away from what i want which is dying and im not even sure i really want that..i just think i do..i just think it will be the way to fix all of this..to make it all go away..to make it all better..when thats not true..i know its not..but i cant seem to not think it..ive spent the past couple days waiting it out..trying hard not to react to thoughts that run through my head..serious problems with calming myself down when i realized how bad at times my thoughts were..but i havent acted on them..only considered strongly for a bit friday..but somehow made it through that too..but the sadness is ever present..and im afraid its only going to get worse..4 months with no cutting and now all i think about is suicide..not really a good trade off :(

weekend stuff

went to yvonnes graduation yesterday..sad that she graduated..proud that she graduated..but now she is moving in a couple weeks once we are back from her grandparents..and thats making me really sad...among other things..jealous too..because her family came for her graduation and all watched her walk across the stage..and when i graduated no one was there to see me walk across the stage..mommy and r sister came to the real big school wide graduation..and that should count i guess..but just sad remembering that no one was there to see the big moment..to busy to take off the weekend to do all my graduation stuff...but am sure when henry graduates she will be there for it all.. and then ended up staying last night cas it got late and i freaked because i couldnt find my bank card..and then found it but ended up just staying cas coming home last night was causing a lot of unrest and anxiety...but home now..

need to go and get some cold meds..coughing and generally not feeling so great the past couple days and cough is getting worse..and trying hard not to show that around mommy..cas that would be an i told you so conversation that im just not up for at all..and i dont want to hear again how i dont have insurance..

got a really nice phone call today..i think because it was completely unexpected that it came today makes it better..but it was from the dad of my client that moved over the summer..he called to let me know how everyone was doing and told me that my client missed me and remembered me..said he would email me pictures and told me he wanted to stay in touch a bit more.. :rb i still miss that particular client and his family and i am so glad that his dad called and let me know what was going on and how he has been doing and that he wants to stay in touch. he thanked me again for how well i worked with his son..and i havent seen them in months! and he thanked me! it was nice you know..it came at a time where i really needed it too..and for that i am incredibly thankful that i even picked up the phone..

talked...

dont really like my doc knowing that im suicidal again..or that a plan is forming..yea not good..

also dont like being told that things will most likely get worse before they get better...yea not cool..and im not sure things can get any worse ..without me dying and well she is trying not to let that happen..

....

no things will not be like this forever..it just cant be..i dont want it to be..have actually been using a couple of message boards to kinda talk and get feedback on different things, different issues...because i have such a problem calling any of it abuse..still kinda tip toeing around that whole thing..but linda calls it what it is and i think that makes me feel really nervous..and scared..but the message boards have been really helpful lately..and im glad im actually starting to write and use them for support..and listening..and in general goofing off some days..

today sadness won out..and right now im feeling incredibly sad but i dont know why..im just sad, disappointed..scared..i dont know..not even at home right this minute..yvonne came and we went out for a bit..and now im at her place cas she asked me if i would go to a party thing with her tomorrow..for her graduation stuff..cas she graduates on friday! and i am proud of her..and im happy she asked and no i dont do great with parties and stuff but its an ease on the anxiety knowing im going with her at least..and then ill be coming back on thursday night so ill be here for her graduation..and then home..and then the week after that it will be packing to go out of town and that is scary all by its self..

lots of thinking

yesterday for the first time in therapy i actually talked and stayed present enough to talk about what we were well talking about. i worked very hard at it..and kept talking with a lot of prompting and her asking questions..but managed to maybe even fill up like 20 mins all by myself..wow ! picked a hell of a topic to want to talk about but got through it sorta..

talked about lots of different things dealing with mommy and that maybe things werent my fault...and boundaries and eye contact..all of which im still thinking about a lot..my doc asked me to draw what my boundaries look like talked about boundaries a little bit in t today and she asked that i draw what my boundaries are. In terms of you and the rest of the world. What does it look like. She asked this and i immediately thought well duh brick wall, nothing gets in and nothing gets out. But thinking about it now thats not really how it is. I think its more of like the windows in the police station when you cant see out but someone can see inside, except im the one looking out and no one can see inside. That way im closed off but can still allow a relationship to form with someone else, no it wont be an incredibly close one but it can still be formed and i can still protect myself very heavily. she just asked the question in a really interesting way..because once she asked me to draw it my lovely imagaination just went into overdrive and it makes it a little easier to look at something but its not flat..or just words..because obviously my head doesnt work like that..and in a way i can see it once i start describing it and thinking about it..

i have a lot of trouble with eye contact, its more noticeable around adults but just in general i am really bad about making and keeping eye contact. its hard for me. i get nervous and scared and just cant seem to look at the other person. i guess its a lot worse with the t because its just me and her in the room and lal of her attention is on me and i dont like that and because of what we talk about i get even more nervous and scared...and ashamed..and just cant bring myself to look at her...but we were talking about it yesterday some or she was and i was listening and she mentiioned that she thought it was because i was afraid of people..that being afraid could be a part of why i have such a hard time looking at someone else..and i wanted to deny it and i think i did a little bit but now ive been thinking abuot it more and it does make sense. but i hate that it does becuase i spend a lot of time around people you know, i work one on one with people and their families, im around people but yet im completely alone at the same time. working one on one with clients stops me from having to interact as much, especially with my nonverbal clients. i go home where 3 other people live and still manage to exisist only in my world where im safe and alone and its quiet. i have such a hard time talking and interacting with other people, and not beingable to keep eye contact does make it worse. group things makes me panic, talking to someone i dont know just doesnt happen. i have no idea how ive managed to keep the few friends i do have because i cant seem to hold a complete conversation a lot of the time. I had never called it being afraid though but maybe thats what it is..

she did a lot of reassuring to yesterday..because i swear i start shutting down after a while and getting really scared about talking to her..and just talking about stuff..

its just weird that now im struggling to talk about it all almost as much as i struggle to not talk about it..theres still a huge sense of wrongness to it all..so many questions and no answers..lots of fear..

lots of thoughts in my head...

quote

"Life can only be understood backwards
It must be lived facing forward "

hmmm

keep wanting to write..but dont know what to say

im not liking this week much because theres no therapy cas its a holiday..and i dont even like therapy so it bothers me that i get this upset when i cant go..

guess thats all for now

things are changing...

i just want to scream im so frustrated right now...with work stuff..it shouldnt take 2 and a half hours to get dressed and shower..it shouldnt and im so upset with my cl...i really really am..and she just isnt getting it and its all just frustrating and hard today

lots of worrying going on today..

showed t my journal yesterday..thought i was going to die..waiting for her to read it..but she did and now she knows a bit more .. and im not sure what i think about that..it makes me nervous..but i did it..and they are moving offices..and im not going at all next week cas of the holiday..so worried about that too..and hoping ill be ok..

restless night last night. couldnt sleep, didnt want to sleep, i dont know which one it really was but was up until after 2. started to feel really closed in and trapped and something was bothering me but i didnt know what it was. it was hard to put a finger on and ended up going and sitting outside for an hour at 1 in the morning. i couldnt feel my fingers anymore by the time i came back inside but just sat outside and wrote and i was even afraid of writing last night. i think a lot of it was just fear about everything that is going on, trying to write to let t know what is going on becuase im really doubting the ability to say it. maybe if she knows it will be easier, maybe it wont be, maybe ill still go and sit and stare at the floor for an hour for the next month and it wont matter what she does or doesnt know. but she keeps telling me she wants me to be comfortable and feel safe and i just dont know what to tell her to make it better. and then its just harder because i get stuck an stop listening and stop thinking about what shes asking me. i cant answer her if im not even paying attention anymore. i dont know is my default answer to everything she asks. i dont really remember what i wrote about last night but it took an awful long time to write it. but i think it was important at the same time. i think it may have been something about refusing to accept things, and not being ok.

maybe im not as ok as i think i am, since t the other day the sadness is the most overwhelming thing. last night it was a little more than sadness because i just stood and looked at all of mommys meds from her surgerys and wanted to just take the vailum. and yea that prompted the sitting outside and writing instead of staying inside. rather freeze than take the pills, and it wouldnt have been an overdose or anything because well there were only 2 pills in the bottle but thats because every so often ill go and take one for the hell of it and just sleep the day away. but today its just back to the neverending sadness. but im at work and well yea thats all i can account for is that im at work..

more issues with the bank this morning and my lack of paying attention at times, and wanting stuff i dont need and cant afford is starting to become a bigger issue. i hate the overdraft fees and it really doesnt matter if its accidental or not that just me losing money. and my next paycheck is beyond depressing and just lots of worries about money again. i hate money.

no..the world hasnt ended just yet

this has been a semi hard weekend..it was a hard week..but just being stuck at home with no distractions is the hard thing..no babysitting just kinda traps me in the house and i cant really get/find the motivation to go anywhere..so ive been home today and yesterday and both days mommy just wouldnt let up and leave me alone..im trying so hard to deal with it and let it go and ignore it and its not that easy :(..but trying and not cutting is something i guess...3 months last week with no cutting..hard to believe because i think ive gone past the longest ive ever done..i dont think ive ever made it more than 3 months before..the urge to cut is lessening a bit and i am glad for that..i really am because i still feel so guilty for wanting it..its confusing..and friday was so weird but in a good way because by the time i got home i was feeling ok..no worries..no fears..no anxiety or anything..my head was empty but not in a bad way or anything..it was nice to just feel ok and be ok and not worried..and its been up and down since then but no huge issues...just small ones ...and chatting last night did help calm my nerves alot..

but with that not worrying i had lots of fre time to think about so many different things..and i watched this movie that was really good but one of the arguments that they had in the movie was how the kid was so worried about hurting his mom that he was going to end upp giving up his dream..and he talked about how he didnt want to look back on his life in regret and i wondered if that is what im doing..but ive thoguht about it and no i dont regret my life..yea there are things/mistakes i wish i hadnt done but i dont think i would go back and change my life..even in all its suckiness i think i owuld keep my life..so no not regret but i kinda view my life iwth a whole lot of sadness..i wish i had stuck up for myself more..i wish i had said what i thought, found out what it is i liked in life...and its like i have to do it now but now there so much other stuff to work through to figure out who i am and what i want..but thats the key isnt it ? figuring out, knowing what i want and being able to be confident in it..i havent figured that out yet..seems so simple...you know..knowing what you want ..and just going for out..but trying to find it is so hard..because it should be there and it most likely is but getting to it is a whole nother story..

and then i started to wonder if im doing the right thing..if working on all this stuff is a good idea..will it make a difference? is it worth it?

but yea thats what ive been thinking about this weekend..

and hmm actually started talking with t last week...thought i was going to die ..seriously i was fidgeting all over the place..i couldnt focus..and it was really upsetting talking and trying so hard to get words out..but i did for a bit and then as usual i got to a certain point and just couldnt get anything else out..and then she took over and started talking and reassuring..and it helped but i dont think anything can make the fear go away...and she told me before i left that i didnt need to go and punish myself for talking..that i didnt need to go and cut or think about dying..that it was ok..which shocked me into thinking about something else completely..because i do think that underneath it all i think i was thinking that on some level..that i was bad and had to be punished..that i had to cut because thats the only thing that would help..that would make it better...and i was soo scared and upset when i left..just about everything.and i was worried i would go and do something stupid..or that i wouldnt be safe with myself ..and i havent cut..i didnt do anything..yea it helped that i had to go to a work thing after i left her..cas good grief it got me completely sidetracked..i had to talk and interact and i wasnt just stuck in my head..and i did feel more settled at least by the time i left and went home..still a bit on edge..but was a lot better..and so in one sense ive been alot better..headwise this weekend than ive been in such a long time..so maybe thats a good thing..i dont know..i wonder if i talking really was the deciding factor ..like make it or break it..and it is so hard to deal with ..talk or not talk..and i talked and well i didnt die in the process..but i dont know still...still really worried about it..

but gotta go and get dressed..cas going to dinner with mommy and her friend and im not to interested in going but need to get out of the house..so guess ill go and sit in silence for a couple hours..

....

worried about t tomorrow...worried that will go to t and it will be another hour of almost complete silence on my part :( its like all this stuff is there to say and cant say it and t is ending up guessing in a way and i cant seem to give a straight answer on anything.. afraid to give her the journal because alot of the writing is turning into this back and forth dialouge and i dont know how to explain it cas it just happens ...and most of what has been writing lately is about cutting or dying...and supposed to be thinking about trust and something else that ive forgotten...and it makes me feel bad because we do trust t..but maybe i dont trust her enough..but how come knowing i trust her isnt enough? she hasnt done or said anything to make me think otherwise...and she isnt pushing the hospital or even meds on me..and heck i even call when things get really bad..and still thats not enough i dont think..but i dont know what is missing or what it is that i need...and she trusts me to stick to my contract and everything and then i do feel bad cas she does all this talking about stuff and im just thinking about ways to get out of the contract or wanting to tell her its not her fault if anything happens..or a constant no to her questions and things she says..and i know that some of it is just automatic responses..and some of it is just refusing to hear what she is saying right then..im just scared that i will go and see her and one of these days she will tell me that she is tired of trying to get it out of me and that i cant be helped or fixed or whatever

thinking..

ive decided ...

no im not going to va with yvonne..to visit yes..to stay and live together again..no not right now.. im just not wanting to live with someone else again .. i miss having my own place, i miss my space to do whatever i want..

if i move now..i want to go back to asheville..i really do..but im not actively looking for a job up there either..because yes i want to move but i dont really have to move that far away..and if i move ill stop therapy and now prolly isnt the best time for that. so i will keep looking for a job around here but i am going to wait until after dec to start more indepth again...just right now isnt the best time to add on more stress ... it will just make me more stressed out and i cant deal with any more stress right now..

i want to go back to grad school..but i want to give it another year at least..maybe two before i tackle that issue..but i do want to go..i will go back to school. i dont know what i want to do just yet but i am going to go back.

im not going to be at home for christmas .. im going with yvonne to her grandparents..and i let mommy know today the dates and everything and so she knows i wont be here..and she is ok with it..for now anyway..shes ok with it..and so thats one less thing for me to worry about..i am a bit worried about going and being ok..but ill try to save that until we actually leave and go there..this will be the first time ive ever not been at home for christmas..its odd..and does make me nervous..and because of going out of town..i know now isnt the time to get hooked into a new job either and then take off for a week...im ok with waiting ..until after the holidays..maybe it will help take off some of the stress..but if i wait then i know i have got to catch up on paperwork stuff...

but i will make a goal so that i dont forget..that by feb i want another job..i will have my 2 years experience...maybe ill be ok with moving possibly farther away from my therapist now and being ok with starting over..but for now ill just have to deal with being at home and just keep going to therapy..and hoping that ill let her help me..

i really hope ill let her help me

i wish you enough

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

--

i got this in an email yesterday and i have read it countless times since then..it makes me think i guess..because yes i always want more..i always want what i dont have, what i cant have..but im not fine with what i do have..i ignore what i have in hopes of getting more, im hopes of getting something better..and that is not fair at all..because then i end up ignoring all the people that do care about me, i miss out on a lot of the fun, happy things i do because im always so intent on planning for whats happening next..for wanting so much more..and i understand its fine to want more..to want the best..but not at the cost of forgetting what it is you do have..and i think ive gotten so caught up in wanting to get better..to be better..to be like everyone else that i just dont pay attention to who i am..i dont know who i am..who i am has just gotten lost in the shuffle of staying alive and making it through the day..its like i dont have time to be myself because im always trying to be someone else..to live up to someone elses expectations of me..its not fair to me..im missing out on my life..and no this isnt the only reason but it is a big one..because underneath all of this is whether or not i like myself..if i am putting enough time into being ok with who i am..and i know i dont..i dont like myself..i dont like who i am or what i did..im not trying at all to like myself ..im trying a little harder to give myself a break..to not criticize so much..but still no where near being ok with myself or liking myself..and its not fair you know..

but again i know its one of those things that i have to decide..i have to be ok with..and accept and live with..

accept that im not like everyone else..its ok to be sad or happy or hurt or angry without needing to act on the impulses..

its up to me..and i just take a bit longer to figure things out..

what do i wish for myself? what is it that i want to do?

..

whats the right thing to do ?


i dont know

just..i dont know

just keep thinking..im tired .. i dont want to do this anymore.. i dont want any of this anymore..

went to therapy yesterday instead of today..because i actually called and left a message for her..and she let me come yesterday..and we talked about a lot of stuff..

i asked her why she cared..and if she trusted me..

she asked if i trusted her...and i told her i did and i do..but i think all she told me before i left about her caring was what i needed to hear the most..because yes i was thinking..planning on a way to get out of the safety plan thing..and she said she respects that i want to try to work on all of this with out going to the hospital..which calmed my nerves alot..also told her i was really worreid that she would be mad at me..and we talked about that a lot too..she did a lot of reminding me that it was ok to talk to her..ok to be there..that she couldnt tell anyone..outside of the suicidal stuff if i had a plan and hurting someone else..which i do understand..but left her feeling calmer at least..not so great today but will continue to try..

think will be doing a lot of writing today..tomorrow..over the weekend..

writing isnt the same as talking...i can write..its ok to write..its not ok to talk though..its just not..and if i dont tell her she doesnt know what to say to make it better or help me make it better..

lots to think about

-sigh-

just tired
drained

a part of me has just given up completely and i dont know how to get it back..

also talked about me moving to va..with yvonne...something else i think about but am afraid to commit too...cas i think it could be a possibility..but im not sure i want a roommate again..no i wouldnt mind her..but just in general..im not sure i can deal with it...living near her fine..but not together..but just the thought of moving makes me stop breathing..crap today almost lead me to having a panic attack and its been a couple years since ive been that stressed out..ha it was around the time i graduated..and moved..but anyway..i have been thinking about it some...and refusing it just as quickly..im not even sure what my argument is...

:(

today really has been a very not so good day..

most of the day i just fought off crying because things were so overwhelming..

woke up before 5 again..still not used to the time change yet...throwing off my sleep schedule...

today has been one of those days where everything is just going wrong..i keep losing everything..it takes me a million tries to get things out of my car because i cant remember what im supposed to be doing..my computer isnt working right and now i cant even get my work stuff off of it..the usb port isnt working and so it wont read my flash drive or my printer and this morning i figure this out at like 6:30 and its like freaking a this cant be happening..but the one time in weeks i actually try to get my work stuff in on time and some of the late stuff i cant even get my computer to work..and its just frustrating because now its turned into this huge deal and my comp works on wireless but not at home so i cant even stay home and email all my work to myself just to go and hope i can print it all off somewhere..without having to pay for it..and almost was ready to cry because it was so overwhleming..and then i got a message about some bank stuff and that was a loss of a good amount of money cas i wasnt paying good attention to what was in the bank and ..yea its just a crappy crappy day..and the longer it goes on the more i just want to say screw it and go back to bed..

went to t..and really almnost regretting i didnt back out of it..but that would have made me feel even more guilty..talked some about the crappy day..and how everything just isnt working out today..talked some about cutting..managed to confuse the t because i cant completely tell anything all at once and so its like piecing it all together without knowing where the pieces are..like t mentioned last week..but eventually i got around to telling her that umm things werent ok without the cutting..and then it was like shut down time in my head...and i kept thinking that if i said anything else something bad would happen..spent a heck of a lot of time looking at her door...trying not to cry..finally told her that i didnt know what to say cas i was worried she would be mad at me..and then stopped talking completely..listened to her for a bit..and then got to leave..she asked me to think about it more..and that we would talk about it next time..but may not be going on fri if she has to go out of town..and not sure even how i really am..lost in thoughts a million miles away..a lot of fear going around..upset feelings for saying anything..and its like im calling myself a big mouth but darnit but i said for the entire hour wouldnt even add up to like 20 mins :-/ justt feeling really lonely and upset...but once again no clear idea why...

disappointed..and other stuff

im feeling really disappointed in myself right now..well tonight.. i know im not ok..i know that last night i was seriously thinking a lot of not so good stuff..i didnt just want to cut but i was willing to cut just to get my head to stop..i was thinking that i would just cut and get it over with but then i started thinking it would be even more disappointing to cut and not have the same feelings as before.. i was worried that i would ruin my 80 or so days and then it doesnt work..and that would be really disapointing..and then having to tell that i did it.. i wanted to cut my arms .. i was willing to show them..but what would be the cost of giving in..i didnt last night but i wanted too..i kept thinking that i had to call her but i didnt want to because i didnt know what to say..i didnt know what i was thinking and i couldnt put it into words..i just wasnt ok..and so i did the bare minimum to get away with it but still the guilt over calling and hanging up without leaving a message kept me in check i guess..so i didnt do anything last night..eventually came home and took some sleeping pills and just went to bed..because i didnt know of anything else to do to keep myself safe enough i guess..but that worked i guess..i was sleep by 9:30 and then i had to wake up at 4:30 to take mommy to the airport..and freaking a the meds werent out of my system yet and so im struggling to drive and stay awake when all my eyes want to do is close and i just wanted to sleep..and it was so hard driving and keepiong focus this morning..hmm but then i went to see linda and i knew i asnt ok..i knew i was feeling suicidal and all this other stuff and i didnt tell her..i coudlnt tell her and i dont even know why... and thats why im feeling so disappointed in myself..like i knew it and i didnt let her hepl me...i feel calmer from seeing her but the feelings are still there and i didnt tell her and if i do anything its like crap..what wil she think? will she be mad at me..im very worried she will be mad at me..that really scares me..if i stress about it enough maybe ill tell her next week..maybe ill collect my thoughts enough to write it down and show her..i dont know..but its worrying me alot..and i guess it will all weekend...im upset i didnt call her when i knew i needed to talk to her..i got through it well enough but i just know talking to her would have made it a little easier..and then she would have known before i came today.. but it still involves me talking and telling her and im still not so good at voicing whats wrong..i still have a lot of trouble asking for help...asking her for help..letting her know whats wrong..i dont even know whats wrong most of the time..but we are going to back off from past stuff..because its just so hard and i dont know so much of it..maybe it will help..maybe it will give me time to chill out and calm down a little bit before trying to go back into it..theres plenty of other stuff to not talk abut im sure..if only i wouldnt get so distracted..-sigh- lots of thoughts in my head right now..

but onto a different subject...theres this photography show at the library in a couple weeks..and anyone can submit pictures.and i was umm thinking o f submitting some.but im nervous and cant decide if i want to or not..i mean i have som good pictures i think but just knowing i will be showing them someplace like that and have my name on it and ppl looking at it ..and the attention..oh it makes me so nervous and scared..but i want to ..i think i want too..and theres the option of selling them..and i have no idea how to price a snapshot! still thinking about it...wondering..worrying..cant decide just yet..

and now im so cold i cant think straight..mommy says no to turning the heat on..and i can no longer feel my feet. im shaking to much to do aynthing

from yesterday

this came up in therapy today and im not sure yet what i think about
it..

it seems so simple to ask for persmission to remember..but from who am
i asking? why do i even have to ask..when they are supposed to be
memories. and when it came up inside it was like i watched myself just
kinda standing in front of this huge wall...trying so hard to get
around it ...running into it again and again..and its like crap all i
need to do is get around it and i cant..its like knowing where
everything is at..everything i want to know and well dont want to know
is behind the wall and i just dont know how to get to them..it gets in
the way..its so frustrating..and the more i think about it the more i
wonder if asking is even enough...

i really dont know

feeling so confused and just out of it right now..wanting to just shut down completely and not deal with anything else..tried to remember things from the past..just the little stuff and besides being really dejected that there was nothing to remember..it was just made me feel really sad..talked some about the stairs thing..but couldnt remember what the 'trouble' was...yes something happened but as to what it was exactly im not sure :(...but then we talked about houses and well i remember one..but questions came up because the one we remember there wasnt a basement but we are positive one of the houses had a basement..so it was like remembering a house and a half in the vaguest way possible..wasnt sure if we moved or not..it was really bothering me so i went and asked mommy tonight while we were out..just asked how many times we moved living in the city...4 times..we lived in four different places..2 of which there is no memory of at all..how do you forget moving 4 different times? moving is a huge deal..packing and unpacking and putting things away..4 different houses..and i remember almost nothing? why is that? i dont know..and its really upsetting..its hard to explain away something that big...forgetting one yea maybe..2 ok fine..bad memory..or to small to remember...but freaking 4 is a bit much to not be remembering ... no thats just not ok...feeling really anxious and upset...and completely lost and sad

today

feeling better about things today. still just kinda processing it all and overall things are back to where they usually are between us..and i think she is waiting for me to bring it back up but since im not sure yet just what to say about it i havent said anything...and i have been thinking about it a lot trying to figure out where i stand on it..because in truth i am hurt she told because that is something that i end up having to explain..because then all the questions start..but i also know they are valid questions if you can look at a picture of me and my siblings and wonder why none of us look alike.. but I cant decide..

but yes it is better today..

and that being said today was sooooooo very unexpected in what actually happened vs what i planned to do..cas what i planned like going to the movies just didnt happen lol...and i ll going home didnt happen either...still at yvonnes house go figure ;) but it was a big deal because today i was supposed to go home to do stuff before mommy got there but she got home early last night and i saw no point in going home and being stuck there for the rest of the day...so instead i agreed to go to the state fair..and it turned out to be a lot of fun. i didnt ride any of the rides but i did win a huge huge hello kitty! and had ice cream with sprinkles and a funnel cake cas those are like the only reason i go to any type of fair lol..and yvonne bought me a really pretty glass snowflake ( that has been named snowie..seriously) and its hanging up in my car :) and it is really pretty...and i got 2 wooden roses a purple one and a blue one..and really wanted to go back and get like a few more but i was starting to feel really freaked out from how crowded it was and all the ppl there..and i looked at the flowers and the gardens and all the booths..and played the games ..thats how i won the hello kitty..the first game i played and i won ! it was pretty awesome and exciting..and i was really worried about going and being ok because well its the state fair its huge and today was the last day so it was really crowded..and traffic was horrible! but it was helpful being there with yvonne and it really was fun...i walked in and saw all the booths and all the different foods and it was like i want everything! so settled on ice cream first lol..and ran around town for a bit when i left there..and it got to be to late for me to drive home tonight and talked to mommy to let her know and she did her usual thing and i guess shes mad ive been gone all i weekend.. i dont know..but im not sorry i stayed..im really not..and yea its going to bite horribly that ill have to drive home in the morning but it will be ok..better than falling asleep driving tonight! so now i am feeling more settled..still having really not ok thoughts about stuff that happened in the past and its hard to deal with..but its better today i think..

long long day

i wonder if picking at scabs counts as si...i notice sometimes we are doing that a bit more than usual..picking at the legs or fingers when feeling nervous..dont know..i dont think im going for the pain factor because its not huge..but well i dont know..just picking at stuff..nothing big or anything and i think im just talking in circles right now.. head is all over the place and i dont know its been one of those days where things just kinda happened..came to help out yvonne and take her to go and get her car..which i didnt really mind you know..i wasnt doing anything else and it would have been something to keep me busy..but that turned into sitting at the car dealership for almost 8 hours...and i think it was just the combination of everything that slowly kinda led to us just starting to freak out about everything..not feeling well and being stuck in one place all day..and couldnt leave because would have felt majorly guilty about it...she got a car that she isnt great at driving yet ( a manual) and i dont understand why she did it when she is having so much trouble with it and getting so frustrated with it..and its stalling in traffic and what not and she gets agitated and starts yelling which in turns puts me on edge..and i mean yea its a pain a huge pain learning to drive stick and that i understand but i guess being stuck doing it at the end of a long long long day just made it worse and im sure it will be better once she gets the hang of it..but then teaching me to drive her car is next on the list and thats not gonna go over so well because i tried it today a couple times and seriously freaked and just stalled the car completely..and i dont know..blah its been a hard day..keep drifting off and thinking about so much stuff..getting hard to distinguish whats past and whats present..and found out that r friend shared something with her roommate that she promised not to share..and it was really surprising and hurtful ..and she apoligzed because it was brought up by her roommate and my first reaction was just crap why did you do that...its upsetting and hurts because i keep thinking that if mommy ever found out i told then you know more trouble for me to deal with..but i can understand it was an accident and im not sure if im upset or just disappointed about it all..and she has been saying sorry about it all night and trying to let me know that she is really sorry and im not making it easy for her at all..im not trying to be mean but i havent managed to catch up in my head all thats going on..and what she told was about family stuff and its like thats what we were talking about in therapy this week and that makes it even harder to process and deal with...so i dont know what to do..i dont want to talk about it and havent said much to her about it but i know it will have to be resolved at some point..because otherwise it will just turn into this huge deal.. but i dont know..part of me just wants her to be upset and feel bad about it be cause she broke the promise..and that really does make me feel bad..and im doing a whole lot of feeling bad today..really big urge to just get away from it all..i dont want to be inside but its dark outside so i dont want to be outside but i do ... and she also mentioned how i deal with being frustrated and how i dont yell and curse and what not..and she was comparing herself to me and it was not ok at all that she did that because then i felt like a hyprocrite..because shes telling me how well i deal with being frustrated and i just sat there and listened and kept thinking crap its all just a big lie..and if she really knew what was behind all the scars she has seen she wouldnt say that at all about me..and i didnt say anything at all..

lost in my head

...a ramble...

talked about family a lot in therapy today..and talking about it makes me realize just how much i dont know about it..i grew up with all of these people and dont remember then...we counted today..at times there were up to 11 or 12 ppl living in the house at a time..and i dont remember..how can i not remember..i couldnt even describe the first house we lived in..i knew nothing about it..what color it was or how many floors there were, or bedrooms or anything..i didnt remember..i lived there for 8 years and couldnt recall anything about it..after i left her i remembered the basement and something that got me in a lot of trouble..but that was after i left..i didnt remember moving to nc..but we did .. i know they added on to the house because we needed more bedrooms..i remember ppl coming and going..stay out of mommys way when she was at home..and its just that it makes me feel nothing to think about it..i cant imagine being an only child..if you put a toy down there was always someone there to pick it up and take it..everything was shared..nothing was really truly your own in a way..there were a lot of us but for some reason it was never crowded..you had your space in some aspects...none of the doors locked..none of the doors lock now cept the ones that go out..the bedroom doors dont lock..the bathrooms ddont lock..nothing locks..always check for locks..always need to see the door...

nevermind

today

(from this morning)
not really been feeling good lately...think its just a cold..or the starting of one..took meds last night and felt a little better cas couldnt sleep..but headache is back again and its so cold in the house becasue mommy said its to early to turn the heat one..and no one keeps socks on..and yea just feeling kinda miserable right now..( and for the record..no running out to the car with no shoes on when its freezing outside is not a good idea!!)

debating going to work..actually the way things are moving right now i really am going to be late but just not feeling good..need to stop by the store and pick something up..the correct meds for what ever it is i have..

had a weird half dream last night because i swear i wasnt sleep..but i was seeing it anyway..and t asked if i would start writing them down..so guess i will.although just thinking about it, it seems so easy to kinda read into but im not sure im liking what i think about it...but anyway here it is

i was going to pick up this cup ( i think it was a cup..) a coffee cup kinda cas there was a design of some sort on it..and as i was getting it, it just broke apart..and i was upset but then it was like ok the pieces are really big it can be put back together..and i went to get the pieces and was picking them up and they all broke into even smaller pieces..and that was even more upsetting..because i didnt know why it kept breaking..but they were still fixable..so i go and pick them up again..only they break again..and so on until i cant pick them up anymore..its all dust and it cant be fixed anymore...


dont know if there was anything after that...

i already know what i think about it but if anyone else has any ideas/insights feel free to share.

dusti is being funny and wanting to sleep on my back at night..so now its rather fun to just move around and she how long it takes her to get off! cas she will stand up and kinda wait for me to stop moving around and then lay back down..or grab onto the blanket until i stop moving but not get off lol..i actually had to get up before she really moveed!

hmmm but guess i better get going.

(and later)
was thinking on the way to work..not good i know lol..but someone was reminding me of what happened the first time we worked away from home for the summer..and how much we were able to be ourselves in the middle of being so far out of our comfort zone..but in the program i was working at we had to make daily goals..and actually work on them throughout the day..and most days we made really meaningless goals..but some days we made good ones about learning a new skill and stuff and would actually go and work at it..and when we were on the staff hike..yes 4 long miserable ( ok maybe not so miserable ) days in the woods..and accomplished all this stuff we set out to no matter how small it was you know..and the supervisor and other staff would just kinda tell me how proud they were that i was able to set a goal and actually work towards completing it..not giving up...they told me they were proud of me and then i was like the person who always did what she said she was going to do..heck somewhere in my head i can still make a campfire..i dont like doing it and will prolly never need the skill again but i learned how to do it..if i had to i could do it and not burn anything down in the process lol..cant believe i had forgotten that..that was one of the best times ever...even with all the stress involved working with the kids..it was still a really big deal you know...maybe all i need is a push in the right direction..and someone telling me that i really am doing it even if i dont think i am..

just a ramble

(and now)
feeling a huge urge to write today. i dont know what about but its like something is just going back and forth in my head and i dont know how to put words to it. really am missing my paint and things that are in storage and we can not get too. writing helps but something more hands on would be helpful too..mommy is going out of town this weekend and i cant say that im not happy about it. i would be happier if the nephew was gone too but thats just a whole nother issue all by itsself..maybe feeling a little nervous about t tomorrow..hmm yea not a huge deal or anything but just a nervousness that always surrounding going to see her..

went and voted today...glad that is over and done with!..one less thing to worry about..leaving work in a little bit and maybe just going home is a better idea...maybe read or just chill out a bit...been a long long day!!!

update of sorts

i realize i havent been writing here all that much..last week sucked and i didnt really want to write a lot anywhere..didnt do much but show up to work last week and well therapy..this week is a bit better..head not feeling so fuzzy and so i guess thats improvement.. im a slacker and still majorly behind on my paperwork and turning it in..to the point of messing with my paychecks now..thats lovely...my fault for not doing it ..but im just not interested in it anymore and thats bad..very very bad because if i dont do it then i dont get paid and thats not even enough to motivate me anymore..crap..depression has some part in it too..not wanting to do anything and just wanting to stay in bed and not even go to work in the first place..being at home is just getting harder and harder to deal with..and im looking for a new job i am but right now its not going so fast because im sick of looking and its a pain and its just more stress..and i start to freak out about everything when i start looking...but i know ill have too..even if i means giving up the cls i work with now..even if they dont want me to leave..if i cant keep up with my bills then its not ok..and i cant lol..so its not really ok..and its hard this month but next month is going to suck even more money wise..at least gas prices are going down..thats helpful...

yesterday i freaked out before therapy and seriously went to hide in the bathroom..questioned how long i could stay in there before anyone came to look for me..stinks that the doors are locked in the first place..creepy too..but eventually i made myself get out of the bathroom..but later on in the day i realized that i freaked out but didnt think of cutting at all..tried to remember what happened and what i was thinking about and it was mostly just me telling myself to calm down and being annoyed that i picked right then to freak out..but i didnt consider cutting..i dont know why..i dont even know how i managed to not do it..but i did..its slightly disbelieving you know..ive gone through so many different ranges of cutting and now even though i do have an entire pack of new razors ..the best ones no less..i still havent used them..havent even looked them..cas if i do ill remember that i really do want them and not be able to talk myself out of it..and yea there are still lots of times when i want them so very much and would do almost anything to have it but then the stupid little nagging voice reminds me that i have to call linda ..and i hate talking on the phone and well admitting that something is wrong..because its never just oh i want to cut and thats it...no its a long and drawn out process that i try hard not to think about.. and i also keep telling myself that its a choice..i remind myself of that a lot throughout the day now..its a choice and i have to make it good or bad..i have to remind myself that i dont have to cut..i want to ..id give up breathing some days to have it..but still the underlying thought is that i dont have too..crap linda has told me that so many times im actually remembering it..major crap..

lovely

therapy is staying at twice a week for now

a lot has been going on

ok ill pay attention to this now and actually write something..

things have been really bad to put it nicely..last week went so far beyond sucking i have no idea what to call it..therapy was tuesday..by thursday i was completely suicidal and not ok and stressed and overwhlemed and ended up calling her just to talk a bit..because i wanted to really really cut...talked to her and then was ok a bit..she called me back later that night to check on me and we talked for a few minutes and i was ok again...and the next day i woke up suicidal..i didnt want to cut at all i just wanted to go away..and i was to the point of being ready to call her just to say goodbye and that i was sorry..somehow managed to call her and we talked for like 20 or so minutes..and i was better but no where near being ok ..but there wasnt much we could do about it becuase i was going out of town with everyone and couldnt get in to see her at all before we left..so that wasnt going to happen..and talking would just have to be enough...but its pretty much coming down to that its going to be hospital or meds..if i cant get mysellf back under control..im not going into the hospital unless ive already tried to kill myself and im not going to just let someone else try to make me go..thats one thing i will just not be ok with..which really only leaves meds or well just meds i guess..a mix of meds and therapy..yea i cant wait..i dont really want meds either and if i cant afford them then it wont be happening anyway..but ill consider them...

but last week just sucked becuase i was already on edge from therapy and then work issues popped up, and then all the added stress from going out of town and mommy..and then i found out i didnt get the job i interviewed for..so all of it just happened at once and i couldnt calm down..i couldnt even think a full thought anymore by the time thursday can around and i didnt want to deal with anyone at all..and it was just bad..and so not ok..i guess im better now..i think..some of the stress is off..the weekend is over and i managed to do it without cutting..still dont know how that happened..i really dont..because it was me, yvonne, mommy, nia and rob in atl for henrys game..they played good but lost..and mommy was up to her usual stuff and told yvonne that i was to mean and selfish to ever get married..thats a real nice comment and i was freaking sitting right there..who would say something like that?? and then expect it to be agreed with..and i think it pissed her off that yvonne didnt agree with her..mommy also told me that she wanted to make me mad because then she knew i wouldnt say anything to her..she said i ask to many questions and wont just do what im told..yep life is just going great at home..and im so very thrilled that i moved back...but i didnt want to go in the first place..but it was better asking and having yvonne there..except that i had so much on my mind that i just kinda was there but i wasnt.. i talked when i had to and when my head felt clear but for the most part i stayed quiet..let everyone talk around me..i just kinda disappeared into the background...i was the outsider..i wasnt really completely included..i was just the afterthought..sucky spot to be in..but in a way i was just so set on pushing everyone away..so set on being by myself and no one understanding at all..so i didnt talk..i couldnt..im still so stuck on making sure its all hidden..of just i dont know ..struggling with it all..but in the end i did tell yvonne a little bit of what was going on..what my options were becoming...its like 1 in the morning and well we had both been drinking..but talked all the same..she did more of the talking but i listened and responded occasionally with actual words..and the night before that..all four us us went drinking and then out to breakfast at like 3 in the morning..after we got to the hotel and mommy went to bed..and that really was fun and im glad we did it..i never want to drive like that again..but because i was such a good driver and used the speed limits as afterthoughts when passing cops we shortened that 8 hr drive into like6 and a half..with stops and everything too ! but no im sick of looking at the inside of my car now..no more trips out of town..for a while..not in my car with that many ppl..

i feel like a failure about the job..i want to give up looking but i also know that ill kill myself if im stuck at home for much longer and then i just dont know..because yvonne is moving to va after dec..thats farther away than just a couple hour drive..what will happen..i dont really care to move to richmond at all..but theres not much holding me here either..just therapy really..if i move ill stop again..and then how long will it take to get me to go back? will i go back to all my old stuff? i dont know..if i dont have another job by then maybe i will consider moving with her...dont know..

and after talking it over with my therapist..i decided not to make any big changes right now with my job...because it really was just adding to the stress of everything..and yes my cl lost hours and im now being paid less but its work..its a job and i will still get paid..and i didnt want to let him go yet..but cant decide..but now i know that when i do leave him it will be really really hard..because i freaked big time when i found out about his hours..aand then being given the option to keep him or not work with him anymore..that was just so hard..my concept of time is really screwed because i get started with something and then i let myself think it will stay that way..that it will just never chagne and i wont have anything to worry about ..that ill be ok and fine and safe with whatever it is..and then something happens and its like no it doesnt work like that..time keeps moving..things have to change and i just have a melt down becuase i cant wrap my head around why things have to change and cant stay the way i want them too..makes it much harder to deal with and get past..

so besides just feeling completely on edge and sad..and drained..im just back to walking a very thin line between being ok and not ok...like all it will take is just one more thing and ill be pushed back into suicidal zone..still really feeling the urge to just go away but i dont know exactly what type of going away i mean or want..

didnt turn in my paperwork either..for last week..so im falling behind more and more again..but last night i felt like crap and just wanted to sleep for a while..so i did..but at the cost of not completeing it..so i have a goal to have it all turned in by tomorrow..i hope..

very sad

t was today..how is it that on days when i have therapy it always feels like i need her more...it takes me most of my time to get comfortable being there and then by the time i am comfortable its time to leave again *sigh* ...thats why therapy takes so long..its only an hour when i feel like i need like 5 hours to get anything at all resolved..im not even sure what i want to talk about most of the time...i did avoid what i had written though and it helped that she hadnt finished reading it all yet..but i was so scared before i went..like almost not wanting to show up scared..but i left her feeling ok..i think..nothing majorly going on..just a lot of talking about cutting and reactions and things..the usual stuff that i try hard to manage..but now im feeling so so so sad..at work but want to cry so much..want to hide..or disappear or just run away and not deal with any of it...because i found out today that i may have to give up my cl..well one of them..that one ive had the longest..and its so hard and i dont know what to do..if i get a job i would have had to leave him anyway...but i dont have another job yet and i think a part of me just really wasnt thinking i would ever get another job and that i would be working with him for forever..but now im not so sure..i dont want to let him go..and i know his sister and his niece and nephew and all of them are going to take it really hard..but if im not making enough money then its not helping me either..:( i didnt think i would have to do this at all..not now..not ever..dont know how i would change jobs then :( but i keep losing hours...i keep losing money..and its just getting hard or going to get harder to keep up with bills right when im starting to catch up again...i dont want to be realistic or logical about it..i want to just sit somewhere and cry because its so hard and i know i have to make the choice because it would be helpful if i was there to help train a new person kinda..but i dont want someone else taking my job..its mine mine mine..now i claim ownership?!?! i dont know...feeling so confused right now..like a steady downhill spiral..and the more i think about it all the more it makes me sad and upset and then i think about cutting or something else and i dont want that either..but all that i can think of after that is calling t again and i dont want to do that because i swear i just saw her like a few hours ago..i cant break down in like 5 hours..good grief whats wrong with me

since ive thought of nothing else

it is all about choice...you chose to live or die. i chose what i do with my day, i dont have to go to work but i do. i don't have to eat to much junk food but i do. the problem is i normally do it because im not thinking about it. i don't want to really think about it so i don't and i just do things because they are expected of me, because its what im supposed to do. i dont want to do that anymore. all i keep thinking is that i have a choice. i can make my own choices, i need to make my own choices and im not doing it. soon i guess if i keep going this way then i wont be allowed to make any choices anymore. they will all be taken away from me because i cant decide. its my choice thats it.

making a choice

why is it so hard for me to decide to change, to be ok, to live..why does it produce so much fear and indecision .. i feel so stuck in it and t is trying so hard to just keep reminding me that its my choice but im so afraid ill make the wrong one ..everything in me knows it was wrong.the childhood years that no one can remember..but admitting it is something so different...yes i know it but someone else knowing makes it seem worse and real and not at all ok all at the same time

i dont know what im doing ..i didnt think making the choice to be ok would be this hard or so confusing

my 1000th post!!!!

so figured i make it pictures !!

so theres my lovely cake that i completely cut the middle out of!

me and yvonne at the beach..bright and early

annnnnnnnnnd sand drawings ..yvonne has a sword..i have uh money i do believe :)

when does it become okay..

It bothers me immensely when mommy uses the " i haven't been that bad a parent line" in a way to get something she wants from me. Who does that? If I am able to work and pay bills without having to borrow money then I do not find it important or any of her business at all for her to to expect me to tell her about my life, or who I talk to, or what I am doing if it is not directly related to her. why should she get mad at me for not wanting to tell her anything. She never wanted to know before? No I am not trying to keep secrets as she put it, but if I said I got a gift in the mail and left it at that, then why does she need to question what it was, or who it was from? It makes me think she is getting ready to ask why anyone would send me anything at all, why do I suddenly have a couple friends now and none before. No I don't invite anyone to come to our house, outside of our friend from school and i knew yvonne for almost 4 years before ever inviting her to actually come to our house anyway. I'm sorry that I do not feel comfortable asking anyone to come home because there is always the chance that she will start yelling about something while company is there because she doesn't care. shes done it before anyway, doesnt matter who is there at all. This morning she voiced her problems with the fact that yvonne came a couple weekends ago but didn't make the bed up in the room correctly. Why would I invite anyone to have to deal with that? yvonne came with the guidelines that she could stay for as long as she could deal with mommy. I don't see how anything is going to happen to us now, that hasn't already happened and I am not really sure what it is mommy thinks I'm going to be doing or have done. It is always the same thing, I say I have to go to the store, then she wants to know why, and what I am buying. If I say I am going out, then she wants to know where I am going and why I have to go. I really dont understand it.

when is ok to say she has crossed the line? when is it ok to know that i dont have to tell her anything that i dont want too..because once she starts questioning then i start making stuff up...like when she was asking about going to henrys game..and i told her i had plans..i couldnt say i didnt want to go because then she would want to know why..she would want to know if i was depressed or something..she would tell me i was being selfish for not going..and it would go on and on and on because i do not feel she is asking because she wants to know. she is asking because she wants to be nosy, because she expects me to tell her every little thing and when i dont then im the one keeping secrets and being mean...i dont know...maybe it is keeping secrets..but its not really because its more of that i just dont want to talk about my life..i dont want to have to explain every single little thing i do. i dont like being questioned and then pressured into answering..because i guess thats how it always happens..i wouldnt talk..so then it became a lot of questioning and demanding and yea that made me want to talk so much more..i dont know why i didnt..i dont know why i dont like talking now..with mommy the less i say the better because then she will just turn it all around or use it against me..until i question what it was i said to start off with..theres no point in saying anything at all..because she doesnt even want to know until its something thats none of her business..why is it so important for her to know how much money i have..or when im getting paid..or who is sending me mail? i dont do anything ..am i over reacting? questioning to much about it all?

i dont know

hmmm

my thoughts have been getting away from me a bit lately...thinking about so much stuff and hating that well therapy had to be moved to friday..how am i going to make it to friday!! but then i find it funny that i will have to go back on tuesday and its like well gee things dont really have time to get bad before i have to go back! but now that ive gotten past the fact that i need to go and actually show up..come the thoughts of whether or not i really need to go...because some days im ok and then i think i dont need to go because everything is fine ..and then there are some days when i can barely manage to care enough to keep myself alive and then its like ok fine ill go..makes no sense because you would think that i would be able to just know and stick with one thing..but no i have to go back and forth on it all..and it sucks even more because its become almost a daily thing..

and no i havent been cutting..the thoughts on it have gotten much easier to deal with..and now i think my anger and unrest about not doing it is just leading to some incredibly misplaced anger issues..because it makes no sense to be mad at t when i know shes not going to be mad at me or hit me for anything..but its just that i know i have the list of distractions..i know im supposed to use it for the most part..but what i didnt factor into the whole lovely equation of my life is that a lot of the time i juts flat out dont want to use it..like i dont car eat all and i dont want to look at the big picture or what will happen later..i want my escape and i cant have it and that is just really upsetting..but then i go and refuse to acknowledge..ok maybe not refuse to acknowledge it but just kinda ignore it i guess..and i can get away with all of it except the one little part that says call linda..what in the heck was i thinking when i agreed to that one?? because i didnt realize obviously that suddenly what she says would be important you know...and its really knowing that i have to call and dont want to call that stops me from cutting..for the most part..because if i really did want to give in i know in the end i would call..but until it gets that bad its just a way to put it off..maybe thats a good thing..maybe its not..i dont know..but right its juts a pain because its stopping me from having what i want..and so i dont know what to do with my anger over the whole thing and so i just kinda direct it at her...dont know why i dont direct it at myself though..i dont think it would make any sense to do that in this situation..im already mad at myself for not giving in..yea my funny little loyalty streak comes up just when i dont need it too...because i care enough about what linda thinks to not want to own up to the fact that ive cut..so i wont do it..because if i did and told her then that would mean talking about it and i dont want to talk about it or think about it or wonder why in the heck i want it so much..no that would be bad..so instead i just ignore it all and just stay mad about the whole thing..it doesnt make sense anymore..and it should.i want it to and it doesnt..and i hate that it doesnt because that means something is wrong and i dont want anything to be wrong..but it is and i know it but am making the choice to ignore it and that doesnt make it go away either..i hate not being ok..i hate not feeling ok..i hate not being able to control my moods..because if im ok one minute theres no reason at all to not be ok the next minute..i shouldnt be going from fine to suicidal in an hour of doing absolutely nothing..

so in my warped little mind..that im constantly trying to get out of and havent managed to accomplish just yet..which is another pain in the butt..because no i dont happen to enjoy what i think about most of the time..most of the time is just a million things to worry about..but once i start up the i hate yous..my head becomes a place that i really dont want to be in..ok so im going to take a vacation from my mind..ill be back next year..dont make me do anything stupid thanks! -sigh- things are just hard..because i want to be ok and its like its taking to long to get there..i have days..hours..when i really am ok..and then i have days and weeks where all i think about is ways to die or crashing my car..or cutting and burning..and where to hide it..long well thought out plans at times..where do i get some of the stuff thats in my head? where does it come from exactly? because ive managed to turn every single thing around and the rest of it i just cant remember..so its not exactly as if i trust my memory..and that bothers me the most as usual..i dont understand how i managed to forget so much..i dont know why..im not sure i really want to know why but i know that if i dont figure it out then ill be wondering about it for the rest of my life..and that makes me feel miserable and sad...how can i forget my life? i live it..i have lived it..ive done a million different things and its like nothing is there anymore..i understand that its normal to forget some things..that your not going to be able to recall you know the day you were born..but i guess its hard to wrap my head aaround the fact that so much is gone..its not like im 50 and have that many years to deal with remembering..i cant even seem to remember my meager 25..ok 24..its not fair..because yea i did pay just a bit of attention in classes in college..and even though i dont like to admit just how much i do know about some things doesnt mean im completely clueless either..but why trust what i think? because if i just went and said something bad happened then what will that give me? just a bunch more questions that i dont have answers for..things i dont want to think about because its like if i try i cant focus anymore..and it makes me so anxious and scared because yea well something happened but i dont know what it was exactly..and that just makes me feel crazier than usual..why cant it just be simple and easy and just everything just kinda becomes my fault..because i was bad..and that one has an even simpler answer.. because duh it wasnt your fault..no matter how many ways you try to explain it to yourself or anyone else ..you dont completely forget that it really wasnt your fault..your to quiet to be that bad..anyone who know you can tell you that..funny thing is..i wouldnt look at anyone as a kid either..because there was a video tape of all of us as kids..i guess i was 6 or 7 i dont know..but i was reading a book..upside down..but never once looked up..so i guess it makes me sense you know to stop trying to hard..to stop hiding..and i say that today because it just so tiring and confusing and depressing..and because i might as well write this down while im thinking about it and feeling slightly ok..

but im sick of thinking for the day

job interview and what not

feeling really tired and hazy lol..im down to describing myself as weather ..but had to get some paperwork done so made myself get up and fought the urge to just not care and not turn any of it in yet again..so managed to get most of it done..even the stupid ones i had to redo that i had been holding on to forever..so now im down to being late on just two sets that are due this week anyway..that i will have to finish tonight because im just sick of looking at it all..that was my motivation..im sick to death of writing them and rewriting them..and feeling overwhelmed for not writing them..cant seem to do them ahead of time because i need to know the deadline is coming in order to even put effort into dong them...it stinks cas its like as soon as i catch up its time to start on the next set..and looking at it all is just.. ugh ..i say i did a crappy job on them all..but i dont know..i dont want to have to do them over again you know..but im turning them in..at least thats something..

and starting to feel nervous about the interview..but it was made a bit worse because mommy decided i needed to have a suit..and i dont like suits at all..i was assuming nice pants and blouse or dressy shirt is good..but thats just not good enough..so mommy tells me that she is getting some new stuff for me to try on..well none of them fit comfortably..so had to go shopping at like 8 last night for something i never wanted in the first place..kinda sucks though because i realize that all my clothes from a couple years ago no longer fit.. yea i was hoping to never have to go back into the real world of work but now that its like in the process of happening its like crap..so now mommy is back to mentioning what i should and shouldnt eat..im questioning what i do and dont eat..and it is rather depressing ..cas yea i knew i had been gaining pretty steadily i guess..and just didnt care most of the time..until something happens and its like fine pay attention to what your eating..just feeling a bit down about it all i guess...will have to go through all the clothes now and take out what cant be worn anymore..


-later in the day -

well the interview is over...i swear that all the stress for like a 20 min interview baffles me...but oh well..its over and done with..and i think i did a good job..i have to admit i did better with this interview than the other one if i was going to compare them..but it was two people interviewing me..and i stayed focused for almost all of it...talked a lot more than usual but i really was trying to make sure i answered them the best i could..and got a really nervous about halfway through and had to pull myself together..but it wasnt so bad i dont think...said they would be making there decision later in the week..so im hoping really really big that i did a good enough job to get the job..



was invited to this dinner cruise thing with my job...all the ppl that work there and then us early intervention ppl are invited now smile.gif it was nice..a really nice offer..and if i didnt get horribly seasick i would consider it too..but being on a boat with coworkers and being expected to eat when all i want to do is get back on dry land is prolly not gonna be a good experience .. funny to think about now because im not actually on a boat..but good grief a ferry ride left me feeling so horribly im not looking forward to ever getting on a boat of any type again..and the seasickness meds stuff doesnt work for me..go figure!

anxious

feeling really anxious right now...of course im not at home and that makes it a bit harder to just kinda sit it out..you would think that not being at home would make it easier.but no.. tried deep breathing..telling myself to calm down and chill out..talked some about what is bothering me..but prolly not enough since its still bothering me! ugh..messed around with this..the layout and stuff..put the kids to bed and now im just listening to myself think and hoping that dee and them come back soon so i can leave..

....

Somewhere between the brilliant, white light of truth
and the bitter darkness of deceit,
is a place where many of us live our lives...
in the shadows.

things are changing..

i noticed today that it has been 47 days since the last time i cut and i saw that and wanted to cry..i dont know why my reaction was that way at all..its scary looking at it and knowing that i really havent done anything to myself in that long on purpose..but i also look at it and wonder when ill fail at it and cut and then have to start all over again ..and ruin it..i think the longest ive gone without doing it is 3 months or something..cant really remember but i know that i have gone for a while and then something happens and its like yes a reason to cut..and thats pretty much all its takes to remember how much i miss it..one simple little cut and everything is ok again..but then its like i just failed again at something else..which sucks because currently i feel ok..not happy..not even overly excited about anything at all..just ok i guess..not to stressed..more thoughtful than anything else i think..and its like its not enough..but i dont know why..

yea things are changing and its not sometimes i think im completely ok with...its like i guess ive just been stuck trying to wrap my head around choices and no choices and not wanting to make choices and things just sucking royally..and being ok and then not ok and wondering if crashing my car was a good idea or not..the usual stuff times about 50..but now i think my head is starting to calm down..and that worries me too..and it shouldnt but it does..ive gotten so used to my head constantly going on about something..always thinking..worrying..stressing..a million thoughts flying through my head and it never stopped..and now its slowing down..now i have to stop and think just a little bit more about things because of being back in therapy..guess in some ways it is really tiring to constantly have something on my mind and being unable to talk about it..hmm maybe that is what the change is..i know i can talk about it..doesnt mean i will..but the option is there...and its been a good long while since ive had that option..also bites to have to come to realize that getting out of therapy isnt something that is going to happen over night..ok realize and actually understand that i mean..everything is a choice right..living or dying..getting up in the morning or staying in bed..doing something or not doing something..etc and so forth...theres always a different way to do something i think..and of course i get hung up on all the stuff i cant change or control and then pissed off because things suck and its more over stuff that i cant do anything about for the most part...and then the things i can do stuff about i just kinda ignore and push out of my mind bcause i dont want to have to deal with it..i dont want to have to actually try, i dont want things to actually change because that is more scary than anything else..thats like taking everything and having to turn it around until it actually makes sense .. and thats something ive never really had to do before because well i wouldnt talk or say anything..and now i have and im still surprised that the world hasnt ended..i havent died..and linda hasnt yelled at me or anything about it..doesnt help that i have trouble piecing together thoughts and sentences when im with her..but i really did do the homework that she asked me to do and i will remember to print it out and give it to her..

hmm i have to go so i can get ready to leave though..i ended up coming to see yvonne because she was having a bad day and i really wasnt doing anything else with my time yesterday since i wasnt babysitting..so i came to greenville and hung out here and so ill have to go home at some point today..well soon cas i do have to babysit later on today..and i dont know when mommy will be home..

big step...?

threw out all the razors and what not last night..the ones that were easily findable at least..im not sure if there are anymore hidden around the room at home but the bulk of them have been trashed now

did it last night and then felt really not ok but painted a picture instead of doing anything else..and made it through the night..feeling a bit better about it today.

maybe it was a good thing to do finally..

possible job interview

i got a call yesterday about it and called back and left a message..they want me to go in on tuesday and interview..and i dont know..im happy but not at the same time..if i do interview and get the job ill have to leave my cls i work with now adn that makes me feel so guilty..but i also have to realize that im just not making enough to live on right now..im not making enough to keep gas in my car or to even save up to move out and its getting harder and harder and the bills just keep coming...my job isnt very stable at all..my cls lose hours and have been losing hours since before the summer started..im getting more hours now but im also being stretched pretty far and working with 5 different cls throughout the week..i make 4 different pay rates all within one check..and yes i feel guilty about it but i know if i get the job ill have to say goodbye to my job now..because ive been working with them for almost 9 months and i havent even hit the $10000 for gross to date..cas i checked my check last night..thats not enough at all to do anything with...so guess im doing the right thing..i think..i hope..ill just have to figure out how to say goodbye to my cls when the time comes

nothing ever really works out

i knew it would come up again..all the dress issues with trying it on and not wanting too..cept mommy brought it up in a way to let me know that the next time i have a job interview i need to make sure all scars are covered up...obviously my first impression is not a good one at all..and the lady who did my dress did call mommy and asked if she knew about the scars..if it was a secret before it wouldnt have been anymore.. mommy is just worried that she will go and tell someone else...which doesnt really bother me cas my first thought was fine i dont know to many ppl anyway..but after that came great now mommy has something else to yell at me about and if it gets back to her then things just wont be good.. do i need to wear a sign that says ive screwed up? would that make it better? just not feeling ok about things right now..

shut down mode

at work but zoning out a bit and well that makes it a little hard to work..but once again my cl is entertaining his self coloring and we are at the library so i have my computer and decided to get online for a little bit..

therapy was today..like clockwork..and i really didnt want to go.but i had decidded i was fine, that i didnt need to go..that things were magically better because i had a few good hours yesterday..but as usual it never lasts for long and now im starting to go off into my own little world again, where i dont really want to think about anything at all but thoughts keep getting through and i pretend not to notice them but well its kinda hard to ignore them..for some reason i got around to telling my doc that i and all of my siblings are adopted..but in saying that i always had to let her know that well thats pretty much all i know and im not supposed to know it..but bringing it up brings up other thoughts to and those are some that i dont want to think about..i dont know is an answer i give an awfully lot with her..sometimes i really dont know..and sometimes the truth is a lot more scarier and i dont want to tell her just yet..eventually i guess ill get around to letting her know but its hard..yes i have thoughts about being adopted..lots of them ..but im not sure im ready to go and actually tell what they are..piece by confused piece everything seems to just start falling apart..how come i just cant be bad..how come there has to be a reason behind it..im horrible..thats about it...but then i go and s ee her and she tells me that maybe looking at it differently will help..i dont want to..i want things to stay the same..i dont want things to change..and now that that little tantrum is out of my system.. i guess i know that things do have to change at some point..now or later..which ever..after i try to kill myself or before..well thats the way i see it anyway..i dont understand why it has to be my choice though..ok i do but i want someone to tell me anyway..geez linda has told me like 5 times..and each time i hear it and dont hear it..at some point i stop listening because i dont like what im hearing..i should work on that..

but anyway..this week i actually have homework..that i actually have to do..umm how the your not good enough stuff from mommy has affected me..and so on and so forth..forgot the rest of it..but i told her i would think about it and actually write what i thought about..guess that means ill have to pay attention to my thoughts..

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday To Me



wow..im 25..and suddenly i dont know what ive done with my life..ok ive never known what ive done with my life..but its just harder to think about it and process it all today/tonight..

my birthday has been ok..nothing thrilling..for the most part just another day..yvonne came though friday night and stayed through to today..which iam really happy for..but i just wish i could have been happier about stuff more..mostly we just hung out..we went to the beach twice..i actually got a little wet this morning..surprise surprise..and we went to the movies and saw igor..and she got me a mini sock monkey that has been named micki..we went out to dinner..and wandered around wilmington for the day..today she helped me make a cake..she decorated it..and so i went and took the piece right out of the middle..the pictures are funny..it was just ok..im glad the day is over with though...

..

starting to feel really scared and anxious about my birthday tomorrow. mostly did stuff today with yvonne becasue she came yesterday night to visit. hung out and did some things today and we are going to the beach early tomorrow morning for a little bit..but i did ok most of the day without being to foggy/drifty..but now starting to zone out and feel too many things..really worried and sad..worried about making it through tomorrow..sad that im not happier about it..its my birthday..i should feel happy right? i dont know..im happy yvonne came but had a hard morning and didnt want to really do anything..but ended up having fun..stayed present..but now as things are dying down my head is drifting again...im feeling a little stressed about it all..trying to remind myself to stay calm..that its ok..and im ok..dont know if its helping or not..but i guess ill head to bed..its been a long day and if i stay up ill just stress more about it all..

today is better

calmer today at least. it has been a really really hard week. starting talking in therapy and i mean it really was the barest of anything i could have said and it just freaked me out big time. ended up going back..and surprisingly left her feeling calmer..left and my head was quiet so that was something..not really zeroing in on anything we talked about but i did want to find that thing on cutting to give her..but now of course i dont remember where ive seen it at..rats..

now just gotta make it through my birthday

silence

i dont want to be around anyone right now. i wish i had never said anything at all to my therapist about anything that happened. and most of all i wish i hadnt promised to not cut..because in doing the contract thats how i see it..the guideline is once everytwo weeks..but if i did it then i would feel like i just failed and wouldnt want to start again..still thinking about it..have been thinking about it since yesterday after therapy..and had almost convinced myself that it would be ok to cut..becasue it would jjust stop all the thoughts..didnt think about my distractions, didnt really think about anything and most certainly didnt think about calling linda..i dont want her to talk me out of what i want..but if i did cut an d didnt call theguilt would be horrible..during therapy yesterday after talking for awhile..she told me to call if i needed to, yesterday today whenever, she told me she had extra time on friday if ineeded to come back..yes im incredbily screwed up and suicidal..and will most likely have to figure out money to go back on friday because with my birthday being sunday im not exactly sure how ok ill be..im not even sure i can make it through today..much less the rest of the week. i dont want to be here .. i dont like being stuck in my head. i dont like thinking about everything that inever ewant to think about..i regret what i started yesterday but now im not even sure it can be taken back..ive already said it..and it wasnt eeven a lot..just a little bit about being hit and it feels like the world will end..that ill be in so so much trouble..and i want to take it back i really do. but i did tell her that i would give it a couple hours before i started to fall apart..and thats why she told me to call back..and it would have been nice if it had really been a couple hours..it was more like a few minutes after leaving her and my head just went all over the pplace and i wasnt ok anymore..i had been thinking i didnt want to say anything because she wouldnt be able to handle it..but now i know that wasnt true..all along the underlying thing was whether or not i would be able to handle it ..and i cant..i cant deal with it..i am bad..and talking about it only makes it worse