this is one of those have to write nights..my head is all over the place and i cant seem to calm down enough to even try to sleep just yet..i am tired and upset at the same time..im annoyed and disappointed in some of the kids in my group...i think it wouldnt be so bad if they openly were misbehaving but they are being sneaky about it and that i dont like..dont bring up they all these things are going on and then expect us to be mind readers..dont assume we know anything although we know mor than we let on about until it matters..and then if you want to manlipulate and play games i can throw them right back at you...tonight in group it got around to one of the girls having a bad day and pppl annoying her and making it worse..well this is coming from the girl who has been having nothing but bad days since she got here..she is expecting everyone to bend over backwards so she can have her way and that doesnt work here not when it is a group of 6 other kids and they are all wanting things to go there way too..oh no we would get nothing done that way and that is why today i told them that what i say goes and that we didnt run a democratic group , i told them that it was a dictatorship because jim does make it a point and let the group know that when it is the two of us i make the decisions..not exclusivly or anything and we are really far about doing stuff but today it just had to be said..i asked what they wanted to do and the majority wanted to go back and i just said nope i want to do something else so i win this vote..not a huge deal but it made a point i think..but anyway in group she wanted to just pull out all the stops about how everyone is bothering her and she is used to having things her way and all this stuff and at one point i had to get up and walk out because i was getting really annoyed and frustrated..i just went outside to get some air and think a little bit..i wasnt gone long and then came back and rejoined the convo..the group was ready to just tell her flat out what her behaviors were and how she used ppl when she wanted to and then threw them away but we didnt let it turn into a back and forth thing..instead i became the objective one and told her rather nicely exactly what it was she had been doing and how she had been treating ppl..but how much got through i dont know..she sat there and cried and played the group for a long time and i had no more sympathy for her..not tonight..she is using the lowest functioning in our group because he is the only one who does not understand completely what is going on..but that one kid is the one saying he is feeling sorry for this girl and i want to laugh but cant..i told him not to feel sorry for her because she is bringing this on herself..she is blaming everyone else for her problems..she has no idea why she is really here and no matter what we say to her she cant seem to get the big picture...she cant get passed not being able to have her way anymore and so she takes it out on everyone..no it is not fair at all and i dont like it one bit..jim told me i handled it very nicely in keeping my cool while i was talking but it was so frustrating and hard...i wanted to just yell at her to open her eyes and realize what she is doing and she wont do it..i dont believe her when she says she will try harder..she wants the other side of the staff to come back so she can have her way again..she doesnt like me and jim because we are strict and wont let her get away with her little games with us..so she doesnt like us much and i dont really care..i treat her with respect and she continues treating others like crap when it suits her..and after her 'being the most normal one here comment' im not that warm around her i guess..that bothers me a lot..i hate when ppl think they are better than other ppl...i hate when she brags about all the things she has at home and all the places she has been an that she is willing to give up hawaii to get out of here..no one cares..most of the kids here want to be here..they at least are trying to make the best of the situation but she isnt and its really starting to bother me a lot..

there is so much going on at work and i just cant get my head around much of it now..ultimately i think im just really disappointed and on edge with some things..ugh im just going to go to bed and hope i get some sleep

confused

as i am very bored in my brothers apartment ..so ive gotten to check my email a million times and check up on webkinz and facebook and myspace and all the other random places that just keep me busy..i wish i could have pulled up youtube and watched some of my favorites but because of the company i am with that wasnt possible..so ill manage i guess..but anyway im really confused right now about a lot of different things...i cant decide if i like or dislike my job..i cant decide if i want to go back to school or not..im not sure if i want to move or not..i dont know what im doing?!!!! ugh..im almost positive that if i let my teachers know or even arran know im not in therapy they would all be most disappointed with me..although im pretty sure arran already knows because no one ask asked for my info...i wish i would have known then that i would let it all go to my head..it would have saved me a lot of time..but now i have a lot of other things coming into play..good grief it would have been so much easier if someone had just told me exactly what it was im supposed to be doing..even though i hate that royally..but now im just not sure...i dont know..i like my job i like the kids and i like what we do ..i like the ppl there..i like being heard and listened to and respected for the most part..but im not liking all the changes..im not liking the way things are being run..im not liking ppl thinking i dont know what im doing..i feel like there is something hypocritcial in the last two sentences ...hmm im not sure i want to be there anymore for now..who knows maybe i will go back in a couple years i dont know..i just randomly looked up others jobs in my area and there are some openings i would be willing to try...but i still have to wait until dec..i dont want to change now..i dont want to seem like im quitting my group..im not..i want to see them through and then i will have to make a decision...its not that im money hungry but i dont want to keep being late with bills..i dont want to not have any money for food..how is that even possible when i can say i have a full time job? i work, i dont take days off..and still i have a million bills i cant pay...so maybe it is just time to try someplace else..its not like i havent enjoyed my time at talisman..i have a lot of good memories there..but maybe moving isnt such a bad idea right? maybe it can be a good thing? but if it is then i dont know why im feeling so guilty..even though i know jim is looking for another job..even know ppl are already leaving..i want to stay..i want to stay and never leave because it is safe at talisman..its like being seperated from the rest of the world....i know everyone there..im used to everyone..and moving into a new enviroment really scares me...like back to panic attack scary again..darn everyone for not letting me get valium when i wanted it..i cant decide anything and im supposed to be all controlled and collected..give me a break..im a dork ..i have no idea what im doing at all and everyone just assumes i do..i dont want to go back to school..i dont want to be stuck in an office job..i dont want to do alot of things but i guess in the end it will come down to me having to compromise somewhere .. if i keep saying i dont want to do anything then i wont..and its not really i dont want to do it its more like im just afraid of things changing..and so i say i dont want to do it to stop myself from talking myself into it..i suck yes i know..im horrible for not knowing what i want to do..

sigh

and it only took all morning and into the afternoon but im done and now i have to head out to go see henry and eventually mommy..and as i sit here completely ready to go all i want to do is cry..like go back to bed and cry for a couple days and then juts go to work..but i cant..i have to go to henrys school and be happy and great for the rest of the weekend...i think its a bit odd that when i was talking to jenny yesterday and mentioned i was going to be around mommy that almost always im suicidal..kinda stupid i guess..darn me for actually getting everything i needed to get done done..and now i have no more excuses..i was chatting with someone on and off while i was cleaning and it helped me get things done..also listening to music distracted me enough so that i stayed on task and actually got it done...now all thats left is to leave and im dreading walking out of the door...except i have too..and it just sucks

mass confusion

finally gave in and pulled out the paint to kinda calm myself down because i have been on edge a lot today..inbetween feeling miserable and sorry for myself..i think my allergies are acting up again too..i dont know..its just been a down day..im feeling more awake now that it is time for me to go to bed! yea i work kinda backwards...really been wanting to cut the past couple days..cant figure it out..ive been suckered into going to henrys school for family weekend on friday and staying until sunday morning...hopefully ill be able to come home saturday night i dont know..otherwise ill have to wake up at like 4am to make it to work on time...but im more nervous about being around mommy for the weekend..same old stuff i guess..not to mention she never once came to anything i did in college except my graduation..but thats another story...so only another day and a half of utterly nothing before i have to rejoin the world of the living and stop hiding out in my apartment driving myself crazy..oh well guess ill stop complaining now

UGH

i dont get it..i dont get what makes ppl take things at face value and then assume the worse??? why is it always about race and what someone else seems as wrong or right?? the last time i checked it wasnt against the law to go out to dinner with a friend...it wasnt against the law for him to be white and me to be black..i thought this was the 21st century..i thought it didnt matter anymore!! ugh it is beyond stupid and shallow and juvenile for someone to waste there time watching us and making it seem like we are doing something horribly bad and wrong when we are doing nothing..jim came and took me out for dinner for my birthday..we ate, talked, laughed, drank..usual stuff for us when we are out..yes we have been mistaken for a couple before..no big deal especially not with 8 kids trailing behind us when we are out..but sure we got some interesting looks but today walking out of the resturant this lady just looked at us like we were the most horrible ppl in the world :(..she knew nothing about us..nothing at all..no idea why it was we were out together..what we were doing..what we were talking about no..she just assumes we are dating or married..she assumes she knows more about us than we do..it was uncalled for..completely uncalled for..why cant anyone assume we are just friends..or that we have worked together for a year almost..we have gone through alot together and i would hope we were comfortable with each others company...we take it in stride..it comes in the fine print i guess but this time it really hurt ... its not fair ppl have to be so close minded and judgemental .. ugh...

yet another failure

well ive decided once again that im not going to be vegetarian again..it took a llot of back and forth arguing and complaining..right and wrong discussions..but it still comes down to that im not a vegetarian..no matter what i want to make myself think or say or do im not..i hate vegetables ..i dont eat enough to even be a fake vegetarian..but the whole thing with eating meat is a pain too because then its like well gee i dont want to cook lets go get fast food....its pretty much a losing battle...but since im trying to save maybe it wont be so bad and ill be able to control all of it a bit more...so i had to decide and im not comfortable with either choice...im disappointing someone no matter which way i decide to go and im not really sure why it matters so much what i eat? why is it so important that ppl have to tell me what it is i can and cant have or what i should or shouldnt eat...why does it matter so much to them when i dont care in the slightest? but ive been thinking about it ..and as much as i hate to say it or even think it im sick to death of having ppl tell me what to do when its none of their business..and im not talking about the usual stuff im talking about the stupid stuff like food or clothes or shoes...in at least a small sense of being ok with myself for a little while i want to do things my way and see what happens...i dont want to obsess about food or calories or dieting or exercising..its tiring..it drives me crazy..i dont want to go overboard...im not really sure i want to die or get really sick...it makes me miserable well more miserable than usual when im doing one weird food thing or another just to change it in a few weeks or months..so i just cant do it..not this time..not again..but i wonder if it is a good enough reason to not do it just because i dont want too..i wonder if i need a better excuse or a bigger reason..i would think not wanting to be sick would be enough but im not so sure...ive gotten to know to many ppl with ed's ... i cant make mine go away but maybe i can stop it from getting any worse..the ever so often b/p'ing ill just have to deal with..but its not really cool seeing how miserable it makes ppl..its really not..and you would think i would be ok with making a choice like this because it means that somewhere in my head i may actually care..but no it just makes me feel more miserable..i guess it shouldnt matter if either way im still not good enough

today..work ramble

hmm today got off to a really interesting ok mostly tiring day at work..the usual issues going on and the usual problems..and to top it all off we had a ton of chores to do today...a lot of extra cleaning stuff and laundry and packing..so it was a hassle getting them cleaning first thing in the morning and then of course i have some how become cleaning person of the universe incharge of handing out tasks and all of them just bombard me at once asking what they need to do..it is really overwhelming and tiring when they do that..and then they get sidetracked and stop focusing and walking away from chores have done and yea its a lot of work keeping all 8 of them doing what they need to get done..for the most part they work well and get it done but it takes some time..but then we started packing and had to deal with blow ups and melt downs..crying and worries..refusals and over packing..i wanted to pull my hair out after a while dealing with a couple of the kids..but somehow we got them all packed with jim of course..fed them and then we left for the mall..and the trip to the mall was actually a lot of fun..the drive was just long and hot and if you have never been on our short buses you just havent lived completely :P..they are miserable contraptions but they get us where we need to go..and if nothing else we always make a statement..i do hate the ppl that stare because there is nothing wrong with our kids but they stare.. so we make it to the mall and decide the kids can go off by them selves and we give a time limit..well of course jim and i go off with one who needs a bit of extra supervision...and try to lose the rest of the 6 kids who had decided to stay together and of course they keep managing to run into us :) i wish we had had a camera to get a picture of the boys in the tea shop playing with tea cups..or when they all swarmed on the candy store..that made them all really happy..or when the kid we were with lost me in the book store and im randomly walking between shelves and all of a sudden i have a bunch of ppl calling my name and there is my kid saying he lost me :) we took him to the video store because he is intent on getting an inconvient truth and to get new ear phones for his ipod..he was obsessing about getting a watch because we told everyone they had to have one or stay with someone who did and so that was all he wanted..so he ended up taking me under the asumption that we had bought it for him! but he was happy with it and i made it a point to keep asking him the time so he could use it..so im out of the watch i had borrowed from jim in the first place! oh the things i have to give up for my job! hmm but then of course we are out of time and heading to the meeting spot and the other 6 are there an waiting just like we asked them to be..we went to a couple more places in the mall and then found one of the picture booths and crammed like 4 ppl in at a time to take pictures..the boys pics turned out better than the girls did but it was fun and i think they enjoyed getting to play around because me and jim were being loud and laughing and just having fun..then we went to barnes and nobles with them and they behaved again..i worry about our lowest functioning because like our group knows him and his behaviors..but other ppl dont and they may get upset with him and stuff ..but the other kids do look out for him and keep an eye on him..so it helps but the worry is still there..theen we come back for dinner and other stuff at camp before bed..of course some how i end up helping him with his showering and changing the water temp and trying to get him to stay behind the curtain and not walk around with no clothes on..easier said than done and i had to tell him to wash his hair until he saw bubbles..i had to help one of the girls pack because she had a melt down earlier in the day and couldnt do it then..well we got her backpack all packed and then i asked her to pick it up..and she almost fell over backwards trying..almost 11 at night and we are in the girls cabin cracking up..almost crying we are laughing so hard..finally i lifted it up for her and held it while she put it on and still could barely move..i think we are going to have to repack her in the morning :) but im glad she was in much better spirits this evening..it was easier getting things done...we had fun..groupwise everyone is doing ok...and im glad for that


still im ready to go home ..im ready for a break..and ill have a long break and prolly after the second day ill be at a lost for what to do with myself..im ready to sleep in my own bed..and play with dusti..

hope it stops raining

so ill be completely cheesy for half a minute and sing happy birthday to myself for no good reason ! i found out that mommy sent me something but i wont be able to find out what it is until it actually gets here..i didnt ask for anything so im really wondering what it is! all that aside the kids have been telling me happy birthday all day long and been really happy about it. plus it means at some point today they will be getting cake..but for now its been a decent day...we are going into asheville tonight..to do what i dont know..we had orginally kinda planned on going to the drum circle but because of the rain i dont know if it will still be going on..so now its just like ok we are going to the store and we are going to pick up pizza .. just getting off campus is good sometimes and that can really take most of the night if we are staying until after they are done with classes...so we are going to be out late again..and then melissa was really nice and told me that if i wanted to go out and do something today she would cover for me..not that i really have anything to do..but it was a nice offer :) i dont think i will leave though because she had to work yesterday eventhough she was supposed to be off and i dont want her to be here when she is leaving for the trip on sunday..i dont mind being stuck here on my birthday i wouldnt have done anything at home anyway..so its not a big deal..im really tired though since i finally gave up trying to sleep at about 3 after waking up every hour to do nothing but check the clock and see if it was time to wake up yet..and then of course whem my alarm actually goes off i am sleep! hmm maybe ill take a nap through there afternoon classes..that sounds like a pretty good idea..

ugh

its official im sick and feeling incredibly miserable at work right this minute because i am freezing and cant get rid of my headache...im thinking its sinuses not allergies but then the sinus meds i took arent really helping at all..maybe i just need some reg asprin or something..i dont know the whole wheezing thing is kinda weird since i keep thinking im not breathing but i am if i can hear it..hoping im feeling better by friday...hope im feeling better by tonight..i think ill have to go and raid the nurses office and see if she has any cold meds left over..i figure if i take enough something has to work! but for now im just miserable and wanting to go to bed..but i cant because i have to work and be responsible..but on the subject of work things are i dont know..the kids went from barely getting along to overly getting along and personal space is just nonexistent right now..all day its no touching/no hugging/hands off..ugh its a pain and then we come in for shift change and the wonderful boss is all annoyed because we had been letting the kids sleep in and over the weekend they got to watch to many movies and some didnt want to go to church when they said did a couple days ago and i feel bad for the other set of staff because the blow up happened to them and they got a long lecture on everything they had been doing wrong..im sorry but when im told ppl want to leave becasue they are feeling like they are being attacked i worry..he says he has no time to do all the little stuff but he is the one making all the promises and then once again not following through..it s not fair that we have to pick up the pieces yet again...i dont know..im annoyed with all the extra rules..im annoyed we dont have as much freedom to do fun things anymore..im annoyed that we have to live by the schedule with no leway for ANYTHING!!! yes these are special needs kids but they are still kids and should be given more responsibilty as they earn it but without making the entire group and staff have to suffer because the ppl in charge decide we are being to slack...its a boarding school but it is short term..they have there schedules but there freedom to have fun is like at a zero right now..all it is is follow the rules and do this and that but you can only do it a certain way..the group is working together more and im hoping all the teasing has been stopped..i havee to keep reminding myself that im not here to become there best friends becasue one of the girls really isnt liking me right now..and all because i told her she was being rude and selfish the last time i was here..i dont appreciate that she considers herself the most 'normal' one in the program..i called her a liar in as many nice ways as i could come up with but i pointed out that she was contradicting herself and everything she had said about the lower functioning kids...you cant be there friend and then pretty much call them a freak because you cant have things your way..thats not fair at all and i told her i didnt like it...so she doesnt like me at all and im alright with it but i worry to a bit..not as much as i did my first summer here..maybe ive gotten tougher i dont know..the comments and mean things still hurt but its like ok call me mean and all this stuff but i will hate when some of these kids really run into a mean person..cas im not it..not by a long shot..and maybe since im not feeling good im being more rationale because on a good day i would say no to all of it but for now its ok...no im not mean and im not selfish..if i ask you to stop something or give a consequence then i would hope i had a darn good reason for it..i dont act on impulse and one of the things im told more often than anything else is that im calm with everything..it takes a lot to get me to really raise my voice...i can go from playing to stern in a heartbeat but im fair too..so like me or hate i dont mind not iwth the kids..because in the end they will go home in dec and never have to come back and the only thing i ask is for respect...im stuck in the same living conditions as they are when working..they dont have air i dont get air..they sleep in tents well where do they think we are sleeping on trips? suddenly we can just leave them and go find a hotel? yea right..somehow these kids just assume they have things bad for no real reason and that they are doing it alone! we have to do the same things as them and live by the same rules..they clean we clean but the kids dont see that..all they see is that they are doing something they arent comfortable doing and so everything sucks and we suck...this is one of the most sheltered places i have ever been in my life..at talisman all that exists in talisman..there is no real world..there are no more ppl ..its like you could be on your own planet and you are living reasonably comfortable..but then a couple days a week you have to go back into the real world and sometimes it is very shocking and its like holy cow the world goes on..life goes on..but why give up a safe place to go home because you dont like the program just to go back to being by yourself and not having friends..why not stay here for a few months and know you will be taken care of and not complain about it? why give up a good thing just because you dont like it? sometimes i dont get kids at all..special needs or not they are still kids..they havent lived yet..they havent been in college or had a job..they have there parents taking care of them..they have almost nothing to worry about from life..and taking into account i do know that being in school is pressure enough..but they even get a break with that..they have a class of 8 ppl..i dont know why they complain except that there are rules here and they have to abide by them if they want to make it thats all..they are still being taken care of..they have one on one attention and then get to go on trips i never got to take as a kid..maybe im looking at it from the wrong point of view but i would say i would being fairly open minded with it all...i would have killed to be sent to a place like this..i never wanted to stay at home..but i wasnt bad or failing..i was made to do stuff afterschool friends or not i did it...im not sure what i did in high school but i graduated..but oh well..im thinking there has just been a lot on my mind about all of this..its not cool to come to work and be told well we are adding on a million and one rules because you have been doing everything wrong..yea that makes me feel a lot better about the work ive been doing..funny i hadnt planned on writing any of this i was just going to come and complain about not feeling good! so things are changing maybe for the better maybe not i dont know..i should stop trying to figure it out though because all it gives me is a headache..on a side note i find it incredibly funny that im being disliked for being 'chipper' ..me? chipper? yea i think the world might as well end now if that is what im being referred to as!! quietest person ever but somehow one of the kids was not liking it here because we were all to chipper for her tastes..interesting

stupid stupid me

i suck! how is it that im turning 24 and i cant even go into a restaurant alone and eat without freaking out..i dont even have to actually do it just thinking about it is enough to stress me out..even knowing im dumb enough to consider has me feeling on edge and its still like forever away..its not fair and i suck

whatever

I am not feeling well at all right this minute. Ive been sneezing all day but yesterday I was feeling a little stuffy and out of sorts. It took until I started sneezing today to wonder if it was allergies or if I am indeed catching a cold. The air conditioning is probably to low and not helping the situation, but at least I am actually wearing pants today and a longer shirt. Still I am cold and fuzzy headed and bored. Very bored and not wanting to do anything at all. So cleaning is being put off and laundry also. This happens of course after I get $10 in change so I can do laundry and now I dont want to. It not a big deal and I can just keep the change and use it next week when I am off for a long time and do any left over laundry. I can do some at work also when I go tomorrow since I will be there until sunday. Last night though I actually managed to clean up the kitchen before completely falling asleep in front of the tv. It was like drop dead tired, I kept trying to wake up since I was watching tv and talking with someone but I finally had to give up and just call it a night. I didnt do anything yesterday and I have no idea why I was suddenly so tired. Im tired now but I was up before 8am also so that might explain it. I am waiting for some movies to get here, got Netflix again since it was free for a month and then I will have to decide if I want to keep it but for now I will enjoy the free movies. I have really missed netflix, I saw a lot of movies that way and kept myself entertained when I had tons of time alone. Maybe it will help with keeping me busy.

Feeling a bit dejected, and alone. Talked with mommy this morning and of course my birthday came up and she mentioned there may not be money to get me anything. Sure I dont expect gifts or anything and all I asked for was money but it still sucks to have it just said like that. Sure she might have just been saying it so I wont expect anything but it hurts all the same. More so because I know when it was anyone else's birthday she manages to find money to get them gifts. Maybe I am to old to expect gifts from anyone and it would be easier if I did just make it another regular day. But for one day I just want to have a little bit of attention if nothing else. I keep wanting to throw a tantrum just to be noticed and I know I wont but I keep yelling and screaming in my head. Im dreading my birthday and thinking about it just gives me a headache. It is probably better that I will be stuck at work. hmm a lot of things have been disappointing lately.

I am considering going to visit bec though, it is very uncool that she happens to be 9 plus hours away. I am not sure I can afford it but she is okay with me coming so maybe I will be able to save and go another time. If I stay at Talisman I know I will continue to have fairly long breaks every other month in four month increments. It will be something to look forward to if nothing else and eventually either I will go there or she will come here. It is easier for me to get there anyway since I drive if some want to call it that :). Kind of planning, kind of just thinking about it. I dont know how much gas is or anything in that area so it will take a lot of planning. It would be fun to go though, and that would be a trip Ive never taken before because it will literally just be me on my own accord going to visit someone, a trip I have to plan and save for and then actually drive it. Im more worried about getting lost or dying of boredom on about hour 4! I did find out that if I leave from camp it would take off about 30 - 45mins on the drive. If I do make the final decision to go it would have to be in Nov when I am off for a bunch of days, before Thanksgiving. Im still going over the pros and cons of going vs not going. There is no rush, but I get antsy being stuck at home with nothing to do for so long.

The last time I was at home the kids I babysit were quite insistent on giving my there ps2 and kingdom of hearts for my birthday. I told the younger one more than once that he couldnt give it to me and he is dead set on it. The older one also wants to give it to me and its no secret that they got the kingdom of hearts game for my benefit only :). I played it, and explained it to them but I did most of the playing on that game. Then they got a ps3 for christmas and the younger one got the ps2 as a hand me down but he is not into videogames at all and never plays it. No one plays it anymore and I just see it and want it but its not right to want it right? I have never asked for theres, I keepp telling them I am going to save up and buy one but I am waiting for the prices to go down a lot more. Mommy said that they wanted to send it to me but they had to ask their mom first. I think it is funny that they are so insistent on me having it but I am still a bit uncomfortable taking it from them, gift or no gift. Yes in the end I would keep it because then at least I know I would play it and the system would be used but it is still a bit weird but kinda nice too. They remember my birthday is coming up and want to get me something.

Headache is coming back so I think Im going to just take a nap or find something boring on tv that will put me to sleep

hmm

im feeling restless..and i dont know why..im off but not really doing anything..ive been really tired since i got home yesterday..i slept most of yesterday away and im still tired..i keep trying to fall asleep but i never quite make it..im starting to get a bit nervous about my birthday.not that anything will happen but its making me nervous..for all ive talked about it i dont want anyone to remember..ill be at work so ill be busy but i dont know..i told mommy i just wanted money but i dont know if ill even get it..i dont really know what i want..well there are things i want but i know i cant afford..mostly relating to movies and books and cd's..maybe some other things most likely it will juts be another day..i hope i dont freak out or anything but i can tell im starting to get more quieter than usual..she wants me to go to henrys family weekend and i keep saying ok but i dont want to go..i have no interest in being told all weekend that ive gained to much and need to do everything possible to lose..she can tell me that over the phone and she has..its not like im forgetting or anyhting id just rather not have to hear it again..

shocking

in all the fun of yesterday i forgot what happened at the bowling alley...we took the kids bowling yesterday as an activity and just to get away from camp for a while...and who do i run into but one of my kids from over the summer!! and he came up and hugged me like nothing every happened..it was so weird but nice at the same time..but i cant help wondering how or if he has put all of it out of his mind? he was the only kid i had to restrain and it was more than once but he hugged me and said hi to me like he was really happy to see me..i was happy to see him and he told me he was doing ok and starting school again..i talked to his mom and she told me that he still talked about camp as being a good experience..im not sure what i think about that..yes he did have a good time when he was ok but i cant forget everything he did when he wasnt ok..i cant forget that he hurt a 4yr old and saw no wrong in it..that worries me more than anything..and i hope someday he will remember all we talked about and now it is not a good thing to hurt another person...im hoping for the best but i guess i should be realistic about it too..it was just an interesting moment..

work and other stuff

im annoyed, so very much so and its just bothering me how much things are changing at work..during the training i listened to the boss say over and over how much extra help there would be this time..there are now all this manuals and procedures to follow and i didnt believe him..i listened but didnt believe him because ive heard him say it before..i had to wait until we actually got started and then see if he followed through with anything at all..they wasted time on hiring bec and she couldnt come..and we started one person short..so me and jim and pulling extra shifts..but then they hire someone and dont even bother telling us she wouldnt be coming in for our sshift change today and me and jim are once again picking up the slack! ugh its not fair when we are supposed to be off and melissa is once again single staffed and so she freaks out this morning and we volunteer to stay and help out..jim today and i have to go back tomorrow..or so im planning to go back..i told them both to call if they needed me...i dont mind going and helping i dont but i hate that we are juts expected to help and the 'bosses' cant be found! what the heck its not fair at all..i dont like it..i was already going back to planning on staying for longer but now im not so sure again..i dont want to have to pick up the slack for the boss again ..its not my job.im not paid enough to pick up the slack again for another 3 months...this was supposed to be more organized and infact i actually think it is too organized in the wrong ways..there are all these extra rules that are telling us we cant do this this and this but then we have no freedom to take the kids and half fun anymore..there is to much other stuff in the way and we cant do our jobs...its a pain..no i dont want to lose a day off but i wont leave melissa to be stuck with the group alone..and of course the head ppl are volunteering to come in and help out at all..yes it just sucks for now maybe it will get better..maybe it wont i dont know

on to other news..i finally opened a savings acct..and even though it is small and pretty much empty im glad i did it..now maybe ill be able to start saving just to save..a little bit out of every check and then it will grow and ill look at it lol..thats as far as ive gotten with that one..i mean i did it on a whim last night after midnight online! no other reason except i was curious to see if it would work and it did so now i have one..considering id been putting it off for a good while im glad i did it last night...i learned i am now covered with health insurance..another thing i had been putting off and finally signed up for..mommy is still doing the same thing and telling me in every way possible to not eat bread and stuff and to eat more healthier and lose weight because im to fat..ok enough on that one..besides being really tired nothing else interesting is going on..for now anyway...

once again

normally i pride myslef on being a picture of control..nothing bothers me..nothing gets through to me..im fine and can handle anything that is thrown at me..then a night like tonight just comes out of no where and all i want is approval and love and would do almost anything to get it..im at work and should be in bed..should have been in bed a couple hours ago but now there is internet in the cabins and that was a BIG BIG mistake on there part but i wont get into that now..and now i cant sleep..im wired but its more of a i have a million things going on in my head kinda wired..i want to sleep but i cant.just the thought of going to bed and not sleeping worries me and i dont want to try because i know ill just lay there and think..i finished reading twilight today and i think ive found my newest obsession...i couldnt put the book down which caused a little problem when im supposed to be watching my group and have my nose buried in a book for most of the day..the story had my attention completely and i wanted nothing to ruin it at all..of course jim goes out of his way to make me lose a page but then of course i had to tell him not to bother me because i was reading and couldnt talk..now im obsessing over getting the 2 last books in the triliogy..normally im not a fan of stories about love and how it can or cant work out but this was also about a love that technicaly couldnt work out in the end.it wasnt possible at all yet the two main characters somehow managed...did i mention one was a vampire? ive been thinking about vampires and my views for most of the day and my views havent changed at all..there is just something about vampires that gets under my skin and i want it..growing up i just looked at it from the i cant be hurt point of view..like i wanted the safet being dead brung as if that makes sense..and now its just in the back of my mind i wonder what it would be like to be a vampire..to have the world in your hand..but also what it would feel like to livei n the shadows..to be hunted because of what you are..im not sure that is an even trade off at all..but i still want it on some level..i think of all the conversations i have had with henry about vampires and werewolves and its fun to consider which is better..which wouldnt last..but maybe that is all this is..wondering about things that can never be..and so somehow it keeps getting roped around to love and being wanted/accepted..im feeling the horible need to be validated and heard..me the normally composed person is ready to cry and ask that a friend never go away..and im not even sure in what way i meant go away but that is how it came out..i think she understood and i was reassured quite a bit but it still isnt enough..im still worried without being able to figure out why and its driving me crazy..she pointed out i was acting a bit off but i cant help it...i dont get it at all right now..i guess this is a bit of my being afraid making thing worse too...but we have talked about it before..i know she will be there to hear me complain and rant and go from happy to seriously dangerously unhappy in a few hours and still takes it all in stride..but i think my fear will always be there to step in and put a stop to things..doesnt mean she is going to believe me but she will listen and just flat out ask me to stop...i realize again how easy it is to hurt someone with words..sometimes its just the small seemingly insignificant stuff but it will hurt and never stop hurting..once its said a sorry cant become a bandaid and just patch things back up again..a sorry helps but its hard to forget the things ppl say to you if its important..good or bad you will remember and so will they...so what is it i want? really want out of all of this...

i dont know

trip

pictures from where we camped at during staff training last week..it was really nice and pretty..and that was the biggest tree ive ever seen in my life!

well since ive had this screen open for like most of the day i guess i should actually write something in it...so here goes

i made it in to work today..mostly because i had to but also because it gave me something to do..and so i went to work and it was actually not a bad day..i still hate having to talk to parents and make them comfortable because i suck so much at talking..but i actually really like my group..i like that it is half boys and half girls..i like that im working with jim and melissa..i think it will be fun and maybe somewhere in there i will decide to stay for longer..i dont want to go anywhere but its hard seeing so many ppl unhappy there and im just moving along..i know im not responsible for other ppl but i worry all the same..i wonder if i should look at going somewhere else in aspen but i like talisman..thats where i started and that is where i want to stay..but i dont know..but anyway today at work lifted my spirits..i got to talk to the kids i knew from last semester and meet the new ones..i know some are homesick but they are all excited in there own ways..i keep looking at the schedule and worrying that the semester will just fly by and i wont really know until its over..i worry alot lately..and mostly about the small stuff..like will i have gas money to even make it to work..or like will i make it through another day without driving myself up the wall..but after this weekend im not really so sure..i guess maybe i found another breaking point...maybe its true that ppl can only handle so much in silence before it has to come out someway..but it took some pushing from someone to even really do anything this weekend because i was fine wasting my hours looking at the ceiling and wishing to be anywhere else..but i guess things are getting better again..kinda maybe sorta..feeling sick and majorly worried about a million things..and unfourtuntely i keep talking myself out of making a call i need to make..but i know if i brought it up with bec she would tell me in no uncertain terms to not even think about not doing it..so i have someone to answer to in a way..so ill see how it goes..not toomorrow but the next time im off..on the food front..im working very hard not to go to extremes but im trying hard to eat healthier to get mommy to leave me alone..if it means giving up everything then ill have to deal with that later..not really veggies but more fruit and not as much junk food...since i stopped eating meat once again that curbed my fast food runs..so however it ends someone will win and im pretty sure it wont be me..but not thinking about that right now..trying to stay ok and slightly sane..i watched akeelah and the bee and liked it alot ..it was a good movie and one i would really like anyway..it was fun wondering where they found some of those words to spell because it sounded like they were just stringing together a bunch of random letters and hoping it turned into a word! but liked it still..oh and ive been thinking of things to ask for for my birthday

1 a pony
2 a penguin


for some reason i dont think that will be going over to well but its fun to think about it and wonder how much fun it would be to wake up and find out i have a pony! for more realistic stuff..im trying to figure something out..im guessing ill just ask mommy for money and ill buy what i want..ill be at work anyway ..im thinking just new books and cds maybe..theres a new beth hart cd out that i really want..maybe movies..but nothing big..mommy already said i was geting a new raincoat from her but she also said she wants me to get it off line..so basicially im buying it for myself anyway..maybe ill ask for a tent..i dont liek sharing with the kids! oh well ill have to look around i guess..maybe ill be able to talk myself into going out for dinner..no idea where i would go or if i would even make it anywhere alone but ill think about it next week.. but oh well guess im done rambling

yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no. i dont get it anymore

slightly depressing

you know when you start off a conversation with..im not trying to be mean..what exactly do you think comes to mind? i dont get it at all sometimes..why start off like that because you should know by now that it will make me as defensive as i can possibly get in less than a minute..because suddenly its back to ok im sorry i know im not good enough but ill keep trying anyway..so once again my flaws are pointed out like i dont know them..and dont know what i need to do..what exactly is it that she is expecting from me? i dont know what it is but after everything i fear i fall incredibly short of what she expects from me..yes i know i need to lose weight, im not stupid or dumb depending on who you are talking to..but then i cant help but think of everything it is i do and its like well im told what i need to do and that its for my own good but no one sees fit to actually tell me the correct way to do it..im to smart i guess to do anything stupid..but shouldnt mommy know better by now? she has seen my arms if nothing else and she should know better but she doesnt..and it keeps becoming the same stupid little battle..or big battle and im left being wrong..so i guess it will all workout some way..but if not to bad for me..

all that fun stuff aside..we got back from the camping trip today and i cant help it..we camped in one of the most beautiful places i have ever seen..we were in the smoky mountains at a lake..and we were camping right on the lake..it didnt rain..and we hiked through a healthly forest..and saw some huge trees!! the biggest we measured was 20ft 1in around! i was on the look out for bears but only saw bear poop..and once i found out the bears hung out in the trees i refused to move for oh half a second before i was told a bear could be hanging out above me..well that got me walking again! jamie wrote a poem about me that he gave me to keep today and i will keep it forever.guess that seems kinda silly but i have a habit of keeping things about me..ive acquired quite a few things but it is odd going back and reading some of the nice things and wondering why it is i cant see what other ppl see..but im not feeling much like trying to figure that out tonight..but on the camping trip overall it was fun but a lot of time it felt like i was there without really being there..im not really a people person and being expected to interact with everyone was just a bit much..i talked if i was talked to but i didnt volunteer info..not really my thing..although i am guessing they kept me with jim because im quiet enough to level out his loudness..but for how ever it is that we work so well together im glad they let us stay together..i didnt get the side of the shift i wanted but i am now going on the dc trip..i have to work on my birthday but then im off for like a week because of one of the trips..maybe it works out maybe it doesnt..i found out today that yvonne wont be able to come and visit for my birthday and so i guess it does work out..albeit uncool on many levels i understand that everyone has there own lives and responsibilties and right now a birthday visit cant be on the list of things to do..but ill have to call and let her know i got her message anyway..dont know what im going to do with all of my time off but i think ill be able to come up with something..maybe go to the library..most likely ill end up at the library..maybe a movie or something..dont know yet..hard to believe my birthday is seriously only a couple weeks away and i have no plans..i never have plans..i would actually rather everyone just forgot for all the fuss i made about it..anyway off topic yet again..as i was stuck hiking and left to think because when i hike im not much for talking..but as usual i was yelling at myself for being a slacker and not keeping up..doesnt really matter that i could have been working really hard..it just mattered that i saw it as not working hard enough and slacking off..its like no matter how hard i try to do anything and no matter how much i work or even how good it turns out.its never good enough..it will never be good enough because there will always be someone there telling me i suck and could have tried harder..i dont know exactly how much harder i needed to try but what i was doing just wasnt good enough at all..doesnt matter that i finished it..no slower than anyone else..doesnt matter that i particpated and actually had fun some of the time..doesnt matter that i worked my butt off to finish and not just give up..none of it matters at all because in the end im still the one struggling to keep up with the group and refusing to ask for anyone to slow down because i hate being seen as needing help..i dont need anything..of course i couldnt go swimming either..no matter how hot i was or how much fun it seemed to be..i just couldnt let myself do it..i was planning on going swimming before we left but then we got there and i just couldnt do it..but now its over and the kids actually come on monday..hard to believe but i am ready for them to get here just so i have a set schedule again..

but now im not so sure what it is i want to do..i want to move but i dont want to..i keep saying im not ready for grad school and im really not for more than a few reasons but i just want to get it over with..i know i would have more options with a masters..i dont know where i would go for grad school..ecu being first choice but if i dont get in there..then what..dee wnats me back in wilmington and im sure mommy does too..i was thinking of staying with talisman through next summer and then making a big move..because then i would have over 2 solid years of life experience..but i dont know..im not a fan of jon..i treat him with respect and everything but i take everything he says with a grain of salt i guess..ill belive what you are saying when i see it becaue he made a lot of promises last semester and it was the counselors stuck dealing with everything and his promises when he couldnt be reached..i keep saying i will just stay through the semester and then see..but i dont like not having a plan.i.ts makes it seem like i have no goals at all..but its hard to explain that staying safe should be a heck of a goal but nope thats not good enough..there are so many other factors i guess and trying to think of all of them makes it even harder to do anything at all..for now im ok i guess..behind in just about everything and borrowing money from mommy aagain but just okay for now..but 4 months will pass by quickly and then i dont really have a clue as to where i am going or what ill be doing..i just dont know

i am going to the autism run tomorrow to volunteer..dont really want to go but its not much of a choice ..we were signed up and i guess i would rather be there than moving furniture and dusting under beds for spider webs! so im going and im sure ill enjoy it but i just dont know what it will be like..will prolly even see some kids from over the summer..no idea..but i will be up early in the morning for that and to make up for all the sucky sleep i had on the trip ill be going to bed majorly early tonight..but guess thats all

really thinking

i dont know how through everything ive come back to the conclusion that i have to go back to therapy..id say it only about four or so extra months to make a full circle back to where i was like forever ago it seems..thinking about going back makes me so nervous..and i worry that i wont find someone else who will put up with me not talking a whole lot..i got annoyed at myself and it wouldnt be fair to expect someone to be perfectly ok with me not saying anything..but i guess thats something i will have to work on if i actually agree to go back and figure out all the extra stuff that will have to go into it..if i have to pay then ill have to figure that out..ill have to decide if i want to use my 3 free visits to a private place or just go to the community place and hope it wont be really expensive if i have no insurance..and for now im not really sure if my insurance covers therapy but to be on the safe side i will say it doesnt..and im not completely signed up for it anyway..and will i even be able to come back after december if im moving? i dont even know if im moving anymore..ugh ..i dont want to stay but i dont want to move either anymore..im upset about all that has happened but i really just dont want to have to pack everything up and movie somewhere else..but all of it is really making me scared..but more than that im starting to worry again that ill try to kill myself for whatever reason..all i really want to do is completely destroy my arms..and i can see exactly what i want to do and its not nice at all..all thats really stopping me is that ill have to go back to work and its to hot there to wear long sleeves..my arms are already covered in scars but there is no need to add anymore right now...ill wait..it has to get cooler..and that worries me too..just because i can hide it doesnt make it ok either..so whether i want to or not im thinking its gone far enough..as i was thinking today i figured out that sleep effects me more than i thought it would..like i really slept for like 11 hours..the first time in forever that ive been in bed after 9..and today for the most part ive been ok..a bit bored and sad but no where near what it was like yesterday...im calmer today and maybe having a chat with jake last night helped..but i think i needed to sleep and i hadnt been..and for whats its worth i really slacked off on my whole distraction thingies i was supposed to be doing..i still remember all of it..i look at my paint and have no interest in using it..i dont want to color or do anything..ive been reading a lot but then i pick books that send my mind into overload even if they are good books..playing online has lost interest too..so maybe i just need to go back to therapy until i find some new things to do to distract myself..maybe i should look up all the info i have on mindfulness that i have stuck somewhere and actually look at it again..ive seriously just stopped caring about all of it..i was ok for a good while with bits and pieces falling apart at times but it always went back to being ok..and now i dont know..when things fall apart they just stay that way..and its been a hard summer..and then i was at home and just flat out suicidal which wasnt good at all and then i left and came back here to go back to more stress and changes..maybe its just to much at once..and it things are still changing..and im just getting more and more stressed and anxious about everything..so i dont know..yea ill go to work on tuesday and be perfectly fine but ill also have to remember to wear a shirt that will keep my arm covered enough..ill have to know that we are going hiking on wed and my arm will most likely be coming back infected just because i will be going into the woods without anything on them and three days out there without having a shower will not make them better by any means.so i hope it will be ok..im stressed about the hike any way..i dont want to go and im not feeling much like hiking at all right now and i have to go..oh well

in all of my rambling today i forgot some other stuff that i did as a part of the sane world..i went out to do errands and actually found a part of the city i had never been in before and its like a main road with a million shopping centers in it..and i found another walmart ! but i was looking for a clothing store and the closet one was on that road so off i go to explore..it was pretty cool if not nerve wrecking being stuck in all the traffic that was there..and i actually got done what i needed to today..and then i even went to the library and it rocked that parking is free there on the weekends! that really made my day..and i got to spend a couple hours looking around without to much of a hassle and got a bunch of books to read and hopefully i dont read them all at once! i like the library ..maybe one day ill go to the museum that is next door or ever walk around downtown since i have yet to do that..oh and i found a really cool coloring book..it was all about the disney villians..i thought of yvonne when i saw it and then just had to have it..and after that i just came home and got annoyed that nothing good is ever on tv and im getting a bit sick of reruns..finished a book and am half way through another one..fixed dinner and actually cleaned up most of it ! and now im just up trying to waste time because i cant sleep for some reason..and i must have been desperate if i actually watched part of titanic to pass the time! i dont know but im thinking ive been having weird dreams again since its not often im sitting up awake and coherent after midnight..so something has me a bit nervous im just not really sure what it is...

im ready for things to start moving along..im ready for monday and tuesday to come just so ill know what im up against and so i can stop stressing from not knowing..im ready to get the hike over and done with...im ready to just know i guess..i hate not knowing things..

stupid

i want to scream or cry or just yell for a couple days and let it all go away..but if it was a parallel universe maybe that would happen and everything would magically make itsself better and i could pretend today didnt happen for the most part...right this minute im fighting myself hard not to just get up, say screw it and once again decide that it would be better to throw all my food away..again..for whatever reason i really wnat to do that..prolly because im trying hard not to cut..and i have nothing else holding my attention except my left over dinner and wondering what im going to do about it..but that aside all i keep doing is looking at my wrist and remarking on how normal it is looking again and then all i want to do is cut it and make it look horrible again because i dont care..im still really disappointed that i gave in this morning and cut but now its like ok you already did it might as well go ahead and finish out the day and not care about it..its all in the same 24hrs..so if im going to screw up it will all be on teh same day..only problem being well what if something happens tomorrow or the next day or the day after that..it will be the same old argument and it all ends with me cutting anyway..good grief it felt good as an after thought..its like instant relief ..i had forgotten..short term or not its instant and thats what i wanted..and now im incredibly guilty and feeling stupid because i promised not to do it..i broke it and that makes me horrible...and i deserve to die..i went to the library today and ended up getting a book about cutting..fic but its a part of the color me trapped series..fairly decent series and the books are good..i could go without the religion aspect of them but still i like the books for the most part..so i read the one on cutting today and the one on eds a couple weeks ago..and this time it just left me thinking a lot more than usual ..like its been so long and im still going back and forth with the same argument about cutting..i like it i hate it i need it i dont want it ..take your pick ..its still the same old thing..i say ill stop and will for a while but then ill just let something else take its place..i picked the bottom of my foot apart while i was at home..like serious walking impairment it hurt so much..and it just started off as mindless picking and it ended up with a huge sore on the bottom of my foot that is still getting better..i can walk barefoot again but for over a week i couldnt walk without limping and it was a pain in the butt..or else ill scratch my bug bites ..or pick at something..anything i can get my hands on..or suddenly in my free time i decide i dont want to eat anymore or b/p like the other night and that hurt too in its own way..maybe it was kind of a release all on its own that i finally just gave in and got it out of the way..but if thats how its going to be then i might as well just schedule it into my calendar so i dont have to stress about it..at 4am on wed ill just cut because i want to ..because i want to do it while im in control before im upset and just let it get out of hand..wouldnt that be better anyway? if i say i can control then let me control it and do it when i want..but even i can see how stupid that is..its like im setting myself up to fail and i know i will..even writing all of this and making myself seem as crazy as possible i still worry about how weird it is to have all of this in my head and no one really knows about it..that was one of my biggest issues with the book i finished today..no one freaking knows..i cant even admit it to myself and i expect to stop like it will work..i dont think anyone has ever made me admit it and just say it..im thinking im going to be sent to a meeting and made to get in front of a group and just announce it to the world what i do..see i cant even say it then..i can write about it and think about it..but i never really say it the correct way that would make me take responsibilty for it..no im not putting it off on someone else its just i dont want it! i hide it like my life depended on it..and its like ok who helps me hide it then..when mommy found it she made me swear to stop and then she made me swear not to tell anyone..she phrased it in a way that would stop me from wanting to tell anyone else..heck i didnt want her to know anyway..she would have been last and all the help it did me ..good grief i hide it more now than i did then..im just waiting for her to stare down my ankle and i might as well pack my bags now if she ever thought to look at my legs and not just check my arms..its shames me more to have her constantly buying me shirts and stuff and then making comments about whether they will be long enough to cover them..cover those marks on my chest..i dont think she will admit it either..im the good one..im not supposed to be crazy..im not supposed to hurt myself..im supposed to be out there helping others..not freaking out and deciding that i would rather keep walking the fine little line between reality and fantasy..so no i dont want to admit it ..i do everything possible not to admit and i go to work and i go home and i do everything im supposed to do ..and no one knows..some may suspect i guess..but who? if they dont already know what would give them anything else to go on? nope im always doing what is asked of me..im always having to give up my time to do something for someone else if im asked..im always willing to play a game or make someone else smile..all the stuff that im supposed to be doing and its like thats all that matters..thats all thats important..and no one really cares about what it is i really ahve to say..im not even sure i want to know what it is i really have to say..i like to write but even then im still skirting around the real issue and refuse to get close to any of them..i like to keep pretending that im ok and no one will bother me..but how ok am i really if i want to cut my wrist just because i can..just because i want to hurt and no one can stop it..but then im stuck with the guilt and shame and thats all mine..i want to say its not fair but i cant because its my choice..as many times as i tell kids they have a choice to do this or that and no one else can make them do anything.

i dont want to write anymore..maybe ill finish another dayh

stressing

ive been up since 5ish freaking out about money and bills and whether or not im trusting linda to keep her word about sending inthe info for my paycheck..i tried not to be a pain about asking the past few days but i wanted to know and she told me that she just had to send something else to the person who does the checks and i should get mine..but stupid me forgot to ask when i would be getting it..so basically i dont know when or if im actually getting it and so im stuck waiting until tuesday before i can even ask again and if i dont have it by tuesday then ill be stuck anyway and ill have to borrow my rent once again from mommy to pay it and then give it back once im paid..i keep thinking and thinking and thinking of a way to make it all work out and i cant .. im so freaked out..i couldnt get my head to quiet down at all and i gave up on sleep after just lying there and thinking about a million things i need to do...i dont know what i should do and im just stuck waiting for the most part...ended up cutting early this morning..and it got me to stop freaking so much..but im still really worried..and i wasnt supposed to cut..now i have to start over my invisible count of how hard i was trying..but since i gave in so easily then i must not have been trying that hard..almost two months down the drain..stupid stupid me..i better go and clean up and then run out to pay yet another bill..i hate money