now i know why

now i remember what it is i was reading today that made me worried and well a bit guilty about some of my behaviors...as i was not paying attention to the talk we were having in training and reading the staff manual that was so nifty and we got today...and its pretty much a bunch of boring info that i dont really care about..im sorry but i really dont htink the mountains would get a hurricane..but maybe..but seriously thats not the top worry for me right now..but i skimmed and looked through most of it ..and of course i nknew we wouldnt take aggresive kids into the program because it wouldnt work out and we arent a behavioral program..but i didnt really kinda clue into that we would get kids with active chronic mental illness..and it didnt make me feel better to have it named like that either..but basically it means we wont get kids with 'active' eating disorders, or cutters or fire starters..well gee good thing im still afraid of fire! its like im a walking contradiction against everything it is im supposed to be teaching! i should be ashamed of myself..and right now im feeling more guilty than ashamed and it sucks..it was really shocking to just kinda read through and run into that..yea we talk about suicide threats with the summer kids but its not really an issue with the semester kids from what i saw but it could happen..and if it did what then..i had one of the 'chronically' suicidal kids over the summer and she was fine with me..her best session was when she was with me and another counselor..she cut without leaving any damage..and she was really open i guess about it with us counselors..her parents told us to just listen and keep an eye on it but not really push the issue because she said it all the time..well its kinda hard to have a kid on the bus going somewhere and out of no where youknow just saying she is feeling suicidal..i dont know..it just hurts..i know what im doing im not that stupid..but im still a bit out of it on stopping..how can i expected to do anything when im doing everything im not supposed to be doing..ugh

holy cow

holy cow holy cow holy cow...

well first im watching one of those weird movies i seem drawn too..black snake moan..i wanted to see it when it came out and i found out what it was about but of course im paying half attention to it and its like my gosh what is going on..but its a good movie in an off way..hard to explain i guess..but interesting enough to watch once ..i dont think i could handle watching it again...but ill see how it ends..i may completely decide i need to have this movie and go and buy it eventually..*add on* it was a really good movie :)

but back to the reason for all the other holy cows...i think i may actually be going back to key west in dec! i wasnt really thinking we would do it but now its like ok we need to make the reservations and get it planned because we may never have the chance to do it again and for some reason jim wont go without me lol..funny how the most random ppl we meet turns out to be really good friends...one of the few i have but anyway..so now i am actually half starting to plan what i will be needing if we do go and if we are going to be camping out when we get there...lots of things to decide and figure out..but now we are looking around for a place to camp out when we are there..and of course everything is booked but its still kinda fun looking...and it was just painful looking at the hotel prices..its like 950 a night for a resort?!?! if i had that much money i would not be complaining about anything at all..but because we are uh just regular ppl and happen to live on a budget..it wont work out like that and we live on a budget so its like ok we will be camping out..not a big deal since we have done it so much..and its not so bad down there because of all the beaches and because everything is off of one main road for like 100 or so miles..its kinda nice having something to plan for even if it may not work out like we want it too... *add on* i may be going to disney world!! but thats a side track kinda thing and they need to know my schedule !

nothing to interesting to talk about though..decided to come home tonight because i was getting stir crazy at camp..and it was really a bit creepy being there pretty much alone...so i decided to just come home and get some stuff i needed anyway..ill most likely be spending the night tomorrow and then coming back on friday because it will save on gas and i can stay if i want to .. and then im off for the holiday and ill have to think of some way to stay busy and not stay in the house for three days straight like ill want too..but then i have to do laundry and go to the library and maybe even go to a movie on monday...and then i have to suffer and go on the staff hike..i know it wont be the 24 miles like over the summer but i really am not feeling like hiking at all and i almost hate that i have no choice in it...i know in the end ill be going and it wont be a big deal..ill do what i have to and finish the hike as always but i just hate that i didnt have a say in it more so because i was here last semester and we didnt do one..now i ahve to find all my hiking gear that ive stuck in various places and pull it all back out..but then maybe i will enjoy it and just love hiking for forever..i think i just stress way to much and the actual hiking isnt as bad as i make it out to be..but just knowing im going and that i have to go and that i have no option of getting out of it makes me nervous..and im just obssessing over it big time..but it will be one more hike to get through..but ok ill stop..its just a hike..

on a side note..im working very hard to stay focused and remind myself that i am working on dieting..without a ctually calling it that..but ive finally made it a point and stuck with going back to not eating meat...ill have to beat my last time stint where i lasted for almost a year and a half without giving in...i know it doesnt work for me at all and i just keep doing it..so ill see it goes this time around..but ive wasted enough time not writing on here and just leaving it open so ill go now

disappointed

i found out about the schedule today and i dont like it much at all...the only way i get off my birthday is if they put me in the 1 shift..but if im in the first shift then im not doing the dc trip at all and thats the one i really want to do..if i do the 2nd shift then i have to work on my birthday but i get the dc trip...right now i really have no say in it whats so ever but i really dont know what to do about it..i keep stressing and freaking out trying to find a way for it to work out and it doesnt seem like it will..not to mention i really dont think they will be letting me work with jim again..yes training is more organized but at the same time im still not really liking the way things are going..i dont know why but im not ...the boss doesnt listen completely and i hate talking about the same things over and over with ben and bob the two other official ppl..so i dont know..i may stay i may not..i cant figure it out at all..the way things are going im not feeling like i want to stay but at the same time im afraid to completely say i want to leave..i know there are tons of other programs i could move to but im not really sure where i want to go..if i stop working here its like well why dont you just go home for a while..and i know i cant do that ..mainly because i just dont want too..im not ready to go back to school yet..i dont want to be on a set schedule anymore and i dont want to more to a 9 to 5 job..i find that equally boring right now..so i dont know what ill be doing at all..i keep telling myself to wait it out and see..but all the little stuff that is going on is a pain in the butt..i dont ask for much but i ask for 2 days off and they are important days and im skipping the wedding i was supposed to be going to inorder to be here for the race we have to do but when i actually take the time to ask for a couple days off im told it may not be possible..are you kidding me?! i almost reduse to work on my birthday and i had plans for the day afterwards and ill have to let yvonne know not to waste her time and drive down here if im not even off...its not fair ... i keep looking at the schedule hoping to find a loophole into it just so i can be fair and get what i want and i cant...i cant seem to find anything at all and it took me most of the day to figure out that the dc trip was the second one..and that if i actually get the side of the shift i want then i cant even do the one trip i was completely excited about...not feeling incredibly positive right now it seems..

ramble ..thoughts

i dont know why but once again tonight i am left thinking about why it is things turn out the way they do..what is it that made me so different from everyone else..what is it that makes anyone different from the person next to them...i guess its just a little bit weird i guess..i wonder how the kids i watch will grow up when i have seen them and watched them sense they were babies..and i hear the youngest one say he hates himself and i just want to shake him and tell him he is fine just as he is ... i just tell him not to say that and that he is fine...i dont know if he listens to me or not but its really hard hearing him say that..i wonder where it is he heard it from in the first place...i hate that he has picked that up and i wish i was around more often and not just a few days every few months to hang out with him and give him attention...but maybe as he gets older he will realize that he is important and loved...i hope so at least..i wonder why it is i had to grow up so sheltered and protected..and i say protected because that is what it seemed like..we lived in this own little bubble and what mommy said was law and if a rule was broken then you paid the price..sometimes it was an awfully high price for something small that was done wrong.. in a world where there are so many things going on i couldnt have told you about anything growing up..yes i went to school and after that if i wasnt with mommy i was stuck at the dance studio..and that was life for as long as i can remember..i didnt ask to do anything and so it was assumed i was free to do everything..being sick from school wasnt something that you really wanted to do either..i went to school sick just to get out of staying at home because after a couple hours..then mommy would start calling and giving a list of 50 things to do before she got home and i feel bad for you if you werent done by then..i can clean that house in two hours with my eyes closed ive done it so many times..and so many times i wanted until the last minute and rushed and still got in trouble..and i knew better ..i always knew better but thats not the point..i think about all of the shows i like to watch like strong medicine and suv and movies like hotel rwanda and sarafina and blood diamond and freedom writers...i wonder why it is im in all of this and still know nothing aobut it...its like ive missed all the big things that have happened in the world and no one clued me in to it..i feel bad for not realizing some things and then just ignoring others..i watch all this stuff on tv or read about it in new papers and news websites and its like what in the world is going on..i wont get into politics or anything but i just really think the war was the stupidest idea anyone could have ever come up with..why destroy another country for the sake of finding the one person they cant even find! ugh its so stupid and pointless and it doesnt phase me at all to see another article about a suicide bomber..thats all i read about..and no one has clued into it yet..maybe its just me struggling to figure out why the world has to be like it is...and then after everthing i wonder why it is im so tolerant and accepting..not accepting in a gullible sort of way but just in general...for the longest time i just couldnt figure out why it was i was better at accepting anyone else..accepting anything else..and its like well think about it for a minute..i already know what its like to be hated and pushed around..ive been called some really bad things and im guessing having someone tell you they wish you would die is prolly at the top of the list of things to never ever tell a kid..but i guess that was to bad for me..its hard to explain to someone what it feels like to be dead but still be alive at the same time..like there is nothing else that can hurt you because you found the bottom, there is just not a way back out...i guess i was around middle school when i started to really wonder what it would be like to die..stay up have the night making plans to run away and then never make it out the window because im more afraid of getting caught and being in trouble than running away in the first place..so why would i waste my time picking on or judging someone else..that would make me even more stupider and shallow..and i depise being called shallow ...thats prolly why i was fine going and hanging out in the gay bars and with the drag queens and they didnt mind me..i liked them because they made me laugh and put up with me going in and out for like 5 days and then they ask me to come back again..after everything i wonder why it is i didnt end up doing drugs or really running away..how is it that i ended up in college and then against everything managed to graduate..ill have to go back one day and thank my teachers in the end for everything even if i didnt agree with it..i dont think ill ever be able to forget those meetings..but for what its worth ill never do drugs because of watching requiem for a dream...that movie still creeps me out and ive only seen it once and it took half the movie for me to even figure out what was going on..and then i think i just spent the rest of the movie being shocked out of my mind about what was going on..given i had no plan of doing drugs or anything but that movie just kinda made it impossible..and now ive seen gia too and that movie didnt leave anything out when it came to drugs..i guess its really easy to get hooked though..hmm ya i know its easy to get hooked on something ..doesnt really matter what it is at all..being hooked is being hooked and its just as much work to stop..

hmm ive run out of my random stream of thoughts for the night..guess i should finish cleaning and then head to bed for work tomorrow...

today

back to work this morning...and im feeling ok..nothing to thrilling going on..a bit tired since i had troublel sleeping last night and really weird dreams that were incredibly detailed..and i cant really remember..darn...a bit nervous about going and meeting all the new ppl but im guessing it will be ok.i hope it will be ok..i have to come home tonight anyway and pack and clean..and my hot water heater thing is messed up again and ill have to call the office so they can come and fix it...im wonder since its the second time its been broken will i just get a new one? i dont know but ill have to come home tonight and figure out what ill be taking back with me..but gotta go

all day

'life is a breeze we live it for fun.no apologies to anyone' (the pippi longstocking song) has been going through my head..and at the oddest times! its a fun song but after about the 100th time ive mumbled the words to myself its like ok this has got to stop!

today has been weird..im so so tired and all of the running back and forth with spending all day and most of the night babysitting to go home and sleep and then come back to babysit again is tiresome...ive been with both riley and harris everyday for the better part of a week! yes ive made some extra money that i dont think ill be doing anything but paying bills with but oh well..i needed the extra and maybe ill be able to put some aside to do some fun stuff with..i dont know yet..and it depends on if i have to babysit tomorrow..overall it hasnt been bad or anything and ive loved hanging out with both of them but im just killer tired..today harris went with me to run a few errands and we went to the postoffice and the bank and to look for webkinz for my niece and it was supposed to be innocently looking and shopping for someone else..but no we had to find the one dalmation that was left and then gave it up for harris because he wanted it and then they brought out the new black cats..like just off the truck new and it was ok you keep the dalmation and ill get a black cat..who has been named salem :) great name too and it made my day..spending a lot of money on toys wasnt cool or expected but i wont complain..its not often i get to do things like that and its been forever since ive gotten harris anything so getting one for him wasnt a big deal..i wont mention it to mommy but it was fun..and if i come back tomorrow i know ill have to take riley to get one because its the fair and good thing to do and i would want him to have one from me anyway..but picking out webkinz for ppl who have a lot is hard and its better if he just comes with me and gets one hisself..so that was the splurge of the week and now its time to remember all the things i have to pay..uncool that its so much but ok i knew it was coming..or ive been putting it off..played with the crayola color explosion thing and that was really cool..its like special paper and markers and the colors and built into the paper and you can draw what ever you want on the paper and then the color just comes up in a way..kinda weird drawing an unhappy picture in bright and warm colors lol..but it gives it a funny effect..and it fits in a way..but its seriousl one of the coolest things ever..i got the fire and ice one but i think we will go back and get one of the darker ones too just to be fair..only one an a half more days left before its time to head back to work and i hate to admit im ready to go but i am..ome is just home and it sucks that its a place i would rather not be..home is where your happy ive been told..so maybe im still looking for the correct place to call home...anyway..other stuff in the world of me..the new saving jane cd rocks and i think i like everysong thats on it :) i go a new book about wolves..fiction but its really cool and im wondering who gave it to mommy and why she gave it to me..but its one i know ill really like and i cant wait to get home so i can read it some more...and its official ive had my license for a year and my insurance dropped aabout 80 bucks and that really made me happy last night when i saw it! i cant believe its been a year..i can still tell im not the best at driving and i still get freaked out really easy or hit the curb coming out of parking space or turning but im better at parking and going the speed limit..so maybe it is just a trade off...i wonder what ppl pay who have had there license for years? if im still almost at 300 and its only bee a year then those ppl must pay like 5 bucks lol..lucky...hmm what else..its less than a month until my birthday..and it will be really cool that yvonne is coming to visit..thats about all my looking forward too..it wont be a big deal and right around now i start telling everyone ive canceled my birthday anyway..maybe ill find something fun to do and it wont be a bad birthday..i dont know..im getting anxious to find out the work schedule for the next few months..im anxious to find out who ill be working with also..but i have to wait until monday i suppose..hopefully i will be on the road and heading back by 7am on sunday and i think ill go i40 way..i like it better than the way i come from sc..less highways to switch onto and i hate merging into traffic..plus i really want to know when the dc trip will be ..cant wait to go back to the zoo..i wonder if it snows in dc? i wonder if we will be camping in the snow? i wonder if its even possible to camp in the snow? i vote for sleeping in the van if its snowing!! if its the final trip then it wont be until nov late or early dec..so im just wondering ... but im alot calmer about things today..its like i know what it is i have to do or wat ive been coercerd into doing whatever..and now its just down to picking when it will all happen and how i want it to go..not thrilled but not a big deal..

life

the surgery went ok i guess..she is still in the hospital and will be for another few hours for monitoring and stuff ..but im still worried alot and wondering what will happen if the surgery didnt really work since they didnt even find what they were looking for..but whatever..doctors are doctors for a reason even if i do think they are stupid and a waste of money..hmm prolly why i havent been to a doctor in forever..but im healthy enough i suppose..i havent dropped dead of some random issue yet so i cant complain..

home is home and im counting the days until i can leave..there is nothing helping me there and its kinda like being trapped in a really small bubble that only has about 5 ppl in it..and everyone is seperated by these huge walls..soundproof of course...might as well be on an deserted island and leave it at that..i did the right thing and came home but i cant help wondering why it is everyone always asks why it is i come..i mean real reason why and not just i have to like i enjoy saying for lack of anyting else..but i dont know..and when i did i dont think it even made sense at all..but i still dont know..im being the good one and doing what im expected to do..and there are a lot of expectations in my small little meaningless world..everyone wants something different and im running out of ways to keep everyone happy it would seem..i was pretty much told to go on a diet today and its like you have no idea what it is you want me to do..there is no half way and its either go crazy or say whatever i dont care..with enough time and enough pushing i suppose she will win out as she usually does and prolly hold something ive done wrong over my head to make sure i remember what it is im supposed to be doing..smile and then choke to death i suppose on the bunch of lies i get to hear about how this is for my own good and im only being told you know im worthless now before someone else can tell me..too bad ive heard it all before and too bad it still has the same effect..the problem of course coming in when suddenly my thinking works its way back around to well ok she hates me but ive spent years perfecting just how much i can hate myself..and i can turn it off and on at will it seems..its like i took everything i heard and made it grow and multiply until it was want i wanted and needed it to be..i can hurt myself fine but i dont let anyone else know if they have hurt me...fun the things i picked up as a kid..oh well for me...like i said as long as i keep m stupid mouth shut things are peachy..

laura is here visiting and that was fun last night..talking to her and i had spent the day playing with parker and riley and harris..kids are easy and we drove over to the beach house singing as loud as possible to big girls don cry..they are waiting for me now to show up at the beach house but i will be late..i have no intention of being there right now and i think it was a lot more important for me to get online for a few minutes or an hour before i drove myself up a wall being upset..now its just more of a dead feelings..but anyway..we stayed up last night playing tennis games and watching americas got talent and generally being silly..but it was still fun..

have you ever felt so incredibly hopeless and that you were walking into something that feels an awful lot like a trap but it could all be avoided with the simplest of words and i cant do it...i would rather drive myself crazy worrying about all of it and none of it and not being able to fix anything..if i could cry i would..but that completely escapes me..and im just feeling to spacey to really think any more about any of it..im still off from napping earlier and its been a slightly miserable afternoon..

hmm this feels like a waste of time...im trying hard not to cut and it takes so much more to try not to and really try than to just say screw it and cut..i hate trying

not much

hmm calmer today..finally got around to hanging the curtains in my room so that it stays darker longer and i can sleep in ...at some point ill have to get the rod thing but for now it works although i fully expect dusti to have it pulled down by the time i come back..but its ok..ill just hang them correctly next time..kinda tired and blahish today..i just want to go back to bed..but it is funny watching dusti play with a mini ball of clay and chase it all over the palce since i actually uncovered it once again for her..and happened to find quite a few of her toys underneath the bed..i was really surprised when i looked under the bed and only found toys..considering how much junk i had all over the floor i thought i would find a million different things..but it was just toys..now im trying to figure out laundry and cleaning my car..the glass is cracked on the front windshield and im really worried about it but i cant do anything about it now until i get some extra money and im not really sure what to do about it then..ill have to ask mommy about it when i get home..i dont even know how it happened..its just that every so often i look at it and its gotten longer..it sucks big time and makes me paranoid..so hopefully ill be able to get it fixed..among other things i need to have done to my car..but ill work on that when i can...kinda all over the place right now..and i keep looking at what i need to get done and its a bit overwhelming and of couse im putting off packing well i kinda gotta get laundry done to get packing done..but i am really tired today..

i want to cut and thats about all..maybe ill fall asleep before i do anything

nothing important

today has been a busy day..i woke up early and took out the trash and got rid of all the annoying beer that was hanging around..geez i thought it was really fun emptying out beer bottles but then i didnt buy then and i had no intention of drinking any of them so down the drain they went..cleaned up really nice yesterday in the living room and kitchen and now its a mess again..darn why cant i let it stay clean..but then i get so bored and have to pull it all out again..i was supposed to be tackling my closet today but im not sure if i will ever get around to it..i went to walmart this morning and ended up leaving with cat food and a new cd i didnt need but wanted all the same..darn for impluse buys and i didnt even find the one i was really looking for..i need to find a bigger music store around..but i will look for it again when i go home ...got change for laundry so i can get that done tomorrow..got lunch..played with dusti and FINALLY went and got a library card!! that was exciting and the library was so big and nice and clean..for some reason i noticed it was clean..but anyway that was really cool and i found a bunch of books i wanted to read and i had to keep reminding myself i could come back whenever i wanted to and didnt have to get every book i wanted now :) ..and now im tired from waking up early and trying to decide which book it is i want to read..

Some time in the past hour or so i decided to just leave when i wake up on friday and not rush home..there is no point to it at all and i can just enjoy the day as boring as it will be..talked about nias birthday some but not about her going for surgery..kinda weird she didnt bring it up and i guess she prolly doesnt even know mommy told me..i also learned laura is coming and bringing her 2 kids!! that last time i talked to her was in dec i think and told her i graduated..its been forever and i enjoy her company so much and i havent seen her 2 kids in forever..so yea its pretty much set in stone that ill be babysitting the entire time im at home..and when i come back it will be time for training..so better enjoy this week big time..and i have enjoyed it.. i have been in a pretty good mood for the first time in a while and it stayed..not like i usally am and slightly bipolarish..nope pretty steady mood and getting to sleep as much as i want prolly helps..right now im just kinda like umm i want to know what my new work schedule will be so that ill know how to plan...on the 27th when i go back i guess ill give my request for days off..its only two and i hope it works out..that way i can start planning for my birthday and halloween..hmm just travel stuff though..and saving money and everything..ive also decided to figure out the whole savings acct thing and other random bank stuff so i can start sorting out money and saving up for trips and stuff we will be taking..i can not go back to dc and not leave without a zoo present..that wouldnt be cool and i really want a panda.

all of that stuff aside i also have to decide who it is that will be moving in with me..i dont want to let jim know he can because bec is still waiting to see if she got the job and i hate that the office is dragging their feet in letting her know..either way i have to figure out what is going to be happening..i dont mind having a roommate and for the next few months it will really help..but do i want to live with someone again? better yet if we work in the same group will i want to live with anyone lol..if we worked in seperate groups it would be like now except some one else would be coming in and out of the apartment..and it just seems a little weird but im not complaining..it will be ok and if it doesnt work out then i will have to let everyone know and i can have my apartment back..

im getting really tired though..naptime

bored

oh fun..mommy has taken out life insurance on me again..i know how much im worth..but then comes the tricky part of course ..she lied ..she lied on part of the application about me and now she calls and gets upset with me becase i cant be reached to validate i lie i had nothing to do with..and i had to do a stupid phone interview and it sucked..i mean just about all of it was the truth but good grief it was just long and stupid and made no sense..keep taking out life insurance on me and i may just have to up and die for the heck of it..im just annoyed i guess

hmm work is over with for the summer at least..and for that i am really really happy..it was really stressful and im just really tired ..so im glad of a week to do absolutely nothing at all..its fun and boring and so very dull..im thinking maybe ill go to the library tomorrow and get a library card and just walk around a little bit downtown...since ive put off going i might as well go now..im feeling a little better but my eyes still really hurt and i have a bit of a headache too..i hit my head in the pool the other night and didnt pass out or anything but it hurt and then i wasnt feeling good and so ive been sleeping a lot and just hoping it will go away..but its much better today ..so im just chilling and making a huge mess pulling things out and leaving them on the floor..its gonna be a pain in the butt to clean it all up though!!

ive made it a goal to clean up my room though..its not even cool how many clothes are pulled out all over the place and under everything...i guess the whole apartment could use a good once over..maybe i should go through and just get rid of all the stuff i dont wear..its bad enough my closet looks like a clown threw up in it i have so much stuff but mommy keeps buying me clothes and i dont need them! now i want to go shopping for new clothes just for the heck of it lol..i just got a ton of new clothes that im not sure im even going to wear really...mommy keeps buying me sleeveless shirts i cant wear and she knows it..but she buys them anyway and i look at them and it makes me sad that i cant wear them anywhere unless they are underneath another shirt...my fault but it doesnt lessen the saddness any...kinda sucks seeing everyone getting to wear tank tops and whatnot all the time this summer when it was killer hot and i stick to my tshirts like my life depended on it..i guess i didnt really think this far ahead when i started but now its like freaking heck what did i do..oh well..im not complaining..how stupid is it that i made a goal to go swimming in hooker falls..some day anyway with a bathing suit on..theres of course a lot more that would have to go into that planning but im working on it slowly..and like 5 years down the line im sure ill talk myself into actually doing it but for now its nice to think about..

hmm im just bored and worried about 50 million things right now..should prolly be starting to get stuff ready to go home..but to do that i have to start finding all my clothes again..

life soundtrack

Rules:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie.

MY LIFE'S SOUNDTRACK!
1. Opening Credits: La Vie Boheme - Jonathan Larson
2. Waking Up: Never Let Go - Bryan Adams
3. First Day At School: Home - Marc Broussard
4. Falling In Love Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson
5. Fight Song: 525 600 - rent
6. Breaking Up: October - evanescence
7. Prom: Cleanin out my closet - eminem
8. Life: Little Miss Mary Sunshine - saving jane
9. Mental Breakdown: The Lion Sleeps Tonight - The lion king soundtrack
10. Driving Far Away: Be Prepared - The lion king
11. Flashback: Dont Change - googoo dolls
12. Wedding: Gossip Folks - Missy Elliot
13. Birth of Child: God is a DJ - Pink
14. Final Battle: Across The Lines - Tracy Chapman
15. Death Scene: The Stampede- The Lion King
16. Funeral Song: Dear Friend - Stacie Orrico
17. End Credit: Superman - Eminem

one of those days

today started off ok i guess and i spent most of the morning hanging out at home with yvonne and then had to go to work and thats kinda when things just went downhill a bit..im done pretending that i want anything to do with my wonderful coworker and i want nothing to do with her..its like ok i did what i had to do and now its done and i dont have to worry about her anymore...i dont enjoy being treated like im five and being given demands to do things...im old enough to know what i have to do and i dont need to be told ...if i dont want to do it then to bad i guess ..i dont do well being given orders ..i dont work like that at all ..but anyway i have enjoyed watching her get stressed over nothing and its like of everytihng ive done and as much as i gave her what she needed she freaks out about cleaning the cabin? give me a break and today i just didnt care and did everything but help her as much as i could have..but whatever..no big deal..when they all leave i will still be here ..i will still have to reclean everything in a couple weeks..so i was a bad example and drank a little bit and slacked off..before leaving at 5..it was so hot..and for some reason it has been really really really killer hot lately and its so miserable..talked to jim about whether he would be coming back to the semesters and by right i wouldnt come back..i really wouldnt because they are treating him like crap and he wont take it..thats a good thing..i hope he stays but i can also understand it if he doesnt..im not even sure i want to stay anymore because i dont know the standards are just kinda off...but i dont know..but we had one of the closing ceremonies today and it was sad thinking of everyone leaving and true ppl are slowly making there way away from camp and it is sad having to say good bye to everyone..i want the quietness but still it will be different..but it was after that and i was just kinda hanging around not really doing anything just listening to some of the others joke around and whatnot and i just didnt really want anything to do with it ..i listened and laughed but its like it would have gone on whether i was there or not..i dont really matter in some situations and i dont know why it just kinda thought about it today..but its depressing i guess..knowing i can disappear and that it wouldnt really matter..i thought i wouldnt care about it..but that has changed a little bit too..it matters but not a lot..just a little bit..i just really wanted to go away and be by myself .. but i didnt get that either because yvonne came home with me and i was just getting more and more annoyed and more and more upset about everything..i was seriosuly thinking about cutting on the way home but for no other reason except to do it because i wanted too..it has been a while since ive attacked myself like that ..i was yelling about everything in my head..i wanted to hurt and i knew how to do it..i still know how to do it..it never went away it was just in hiding for a while i guess..maybe i was just to busy the past couple months to really sit down and think about anything..and now im starting to have more free time and its like great what am i supposed to do now? back to the same old thoughts and feeligns and its draining trying to sort all of it out..and now there is so much more to add on to it..i have to worry about mommy and nia and henry even..i have to worry about work and my apartment and dusti..i ahve to worry about going home and making sure im doing everything im supposed to do and its not fair..why is it that i have to have so much stuff in my head and it stays there ..all i do is think and think and think and worry and worry and worry..its like i never get a break..worrying about nia is making a lot of other stuff come up i guess..suddenly all my reasons for not liking hospitals and doctors are coming up..and i cant help but think of the iront of all of it..i remember when i first found out about nias heart condition and i was worried then and they fixed it enough with meds..but now there has to be surgery and i cant do anything but wait and wait until someone decides to tell me what is going on..i wonder how long mommy has known about the surgery and didnt tell me..i wonder how long nia has known and didnt tell me..its not fair that im left out of things until the end and then im expected to drop everything and go home and suddenly be available because im told to..no i dont think thats really fair at all..and who in the heck and im supposed to be talking about any of this too? i realize how easy it is to feel incredibly alone...i dont want to go and talk to aaron because it will be all over camp and i dont want that to happen..but at the same time its like i know if i talked to him he would listen at least..if nothing else he would listen and hear me..but that wont work for everything..i still remember what i was told the last few times i went to see arran .. i thought i was doing a good job keeping away from crisis's but this summer has been really hard and things just keep adding up..its one thing or another and im not sure what else can happen to make it get any worse..ive already done one funeral and i dont want to have to go to another

finally its over

camp is over!!! finally its all over and done with and i can say im really happy to be done with the crowdedness..it was starting to really get to me ..all the noise and tons of kids all running around and realizing that some ppl just dont work well with kids with special needs for whatever reason but its just as annoying having a counselor yelling at a kid than just having the kid freak out over something..but anyway its over and done with and i can say its been fun but also really hard and stressful too..i wouldnt want the office job to save my life or any of the program manager jobs either..all it is is never ending phone calls and talking to worried parents..but i have to say i did ok on the phone at the end talking to parents and being nice and respectful but still talking about how there kids were doing..out of all of it i would say i enjoyed almost all of the kids i worked with and even some i didnt get the chance to work with..its really funny having kids in different groups just saying hi and giving hugs everytime they see you and thats all..but kinda cool too..it was really cool seeing some of the returners and meeting all the new kids..i really hope some of them come back..but now that its over im back to wondering what it is im going tobe doing with myself for the next year..i have to decide if i want to cvome back again next summer and deal with all of this again..i have to decide where im going to move to and then if im going back to grad school yet...i have to decide if bec will live with me when she gets the job..and the more i think about it the more i really want her to come and even if she doesnt get the job just to have someone living with me again for a little while so i can see if i can deal with it again and not freak out so much...not to mention it will help with savings and stuff ..but of course some ppl in the office just dont stay on top of thingsand so she keeps asking me if she has a job and i ahve nothing new to tell her..its so annoying because i know we need the help and they are wasting time not hiring ppl..it sucks...but as for the job its like ok im here until dec if nothing else..and that much im sure about and after that i dont know..i want to ask for a raise but i dont know how to do it..i know i will do it but i just dont know how its done...and if the semester is run the same way it was done this past semester then im not sure ill be staying past december..but that brings up the question of whether ill be coming back for the summer..and i like the summer..i really do but im not sure ill be able to come back if im not actually working within the program already..its hard thinking about things that far in advance and it just really does make me really nervous and anixous and i want to curse aaran for not letting me get on anxiety meds..specially since she knew i was getting so worked up over everything that i was starting to have panic attacks..but then i left her before she got me more into that..but i guess i also know i wouldnt have agreed to it anyway since im completely against the whole meds thing..i can be crazy or not without the help of meds thanks..but anyway..but to get back on topic...hmm so nope i dont know what im going to do and it makes me wonder because i dont know and i should...its always been like that..or maybe not..maybe ive just always had someone else there to tell me what to do and that made it easier to pretend i had a clue as to what was going on and i guess its not really fair to let it stay like that ..but ive learned that its not really good to do that either because right now i have no one to answer to ..no one that is within reach of me anyway and i let myself get away with a lot of things i shouldnt...but its different learning where the balance is..because once again i was pulled out of the circle of ppl who had a say in what i did and didnt do..and held me responsible for everything i did..no didnt like it but i put up with it..and now its not there and its like sending a kid into the candy store and instructions to get ehatever it is they want too..there are no boundaries anymore..nothing else matters and i can do what i like..given yea i have limits but it takes a lot to get to them...so its just hard for now until i decide if ill go back...if bec comes then there will have to be more boundaries but ill wait before going anymore into that but all of that rambling aside because ive done it a million times before..today has been actually pretty good..i was annoyed earlier with some of the ppl i worked with because it was like ok kids are gone and i want to leave but i cant because the cabins were still a mess and we werent allowed to leave before cleaning and it was like i was the only one doing t hings..i was annoyed at how many ppl ended up as couples and that now they are all breaking off again and its gross and a waste of time and way to hot to even bother doing aything there..besides what ever happened to having morals at work? dont mix work and play or something along those lines..yes i have my fun but never at work..that is wrong..why would anyone be stupid enough to drink and smoke pot at work? with kids there..and why arent they all fired on the spot when it is discoovered? maybe some of it has to do with giving second chances and that everyone does deserve a second chance but sometimes its like they go to far because they know they can get away iwth it and its not fair at all..why upset the ppl who work there butts off to give second chances to the ppl who dont deserve it..its not fair at all..but who am i to complain? im not the ones making the decision..its not my choice at all..but after a while i didnt care anymore and i did what i had to do and got my stuff moved out of the cabin and packed up again..that majorly sucked by itsself..i hate packing and moving my stuff..but im not sure im going to be moving my stuff into the top cabin because it would be easier to leave it in my car and just come home at night..im tired of being at camp so muhc..i want to spend some time at my apartment and actually get some use out of it..hmm ive finally decided that i dont need to go home until the 17th..i found out i have paid time off and i can not go to work for a couple weeks and still make a little bit of money..not a lot but enough to keep getting by and if i go home i can babysit maybe and make some extra gas money to get back in time for training...ive decided im not going to the wedding because i dont want to..but then i also found out some really bad news too and im worried about nia..shes having heart surgery next week :(..i dont like hospitals or doctors or anything like that..prolly why i havent been in forever but anyway..im worried..so maybe going home for a few days is for the best just to be there incase anything happens..and riley and harris will be completely thrilled about my new webkinz...yvonne bought me a new one today .. a bunny that has been named jessica :) majorly cool ..and now im just hanging out at home trying to decide when to give up and just go to bed be cause im tired ...

thinking alot

as i watched clips from higher ground yet again..because i was bored and youtube is great but anyway..i was watching clips and theres this scene with a girl/student telling her teacher type person that she shouldnt expect to be trusted and learn someone elses secrets if she cant share her own..in a nutshell..interesting concept ive decided..its like what i heard a million times in all the social work classes i took..you have to know what your limits are in sharing things about your life to someone your working with..but its also pretty obvious that if you really know someone even in just a working relationship they will know when you are lying to them and it doesnt matter if its being done to protect them either..a lie is a lie..so i guess the next question is what counts as a lie? does it really go a bit farther than just saying its when you say something thats not true? do the rules change when you have to protect someone else? i dont know

nervous

i am slowly slipping back to where i was before with eating vs not eating..suddenly throwing up isnt a bad thing anymore ..suddenly i dont have to eat dinner and going to bed hungry makes me feel accomplished..im not even sorry its happening..im ready to give up meat again just because i know if i do it will stop me from just picking up more junk food on the way home..all the time i think of food and what i shouldnt be eating..i think of how much i will have to give up to reach my goal and i wonder if im strong enough to let it go that far?! i wonder if ill be strong enough to stop when it gets out of hand..and then i wonder who will stop in and stop me when i cant handle it anymore..how can i want to be saved from something i willing let get out of hand for no other reason than to lose weight again..i dont get it at all..:cute this is what i think about all day long..i watch the girls that i work with..who eat all day long and stay so skinny..and then i look at me and realize i eat less than they do but i also eat more junk food and unhealthy food..i didnt learn how to eat correctly as a kid and so now i refuse to eat what im not used to but what i am used to isnt really all that healthy..is it possible to live on the plainest salad possible? i dont like vegetables..i only like certain fruits but i love bread..i snack all day long and then dont eat meals like i should..i wonder about giving up soda completely..is it really bad for you? diet soda i mean..i should drink more water and stop walking around dehydrated and ready to pass out all the time..i have so many thoughts in my head about stuff i already know and i cant stpo them...i was thinking about my teeth today and that i havent been to the dentist in god knows how long and i wonder what all the throwing up has done to them? i wondered if i should make an effort to go and have them looked at but i dont want too..im afraid too..i know everything that will happen..what can i say ed's are an obession of sorts..i read about them..i watch movies about them..i go to websites about them..but i dont need ways to learn to do it..i learned that on my own..i just like finding out other ppls thoughts on the things i think and obsess about..i like knowing im not the other person so obsessed about the small stuff..and even hearing and seeing the horror stories does nothing to make me want to stop..how many ppl have i met online who i lost touch with and knew they had an ed and wonder if they are dead now? how many times have i been told to stop what im doing because it will kill me..and still i dont..i think it would be to far saying i dont care..but i dont know how else to explain it..im ready to watch myself die for reasons i cant explain..but im not ready to be helped completely because i dont want to have to talk about all the weird things that go on in my head..i dont want to voice my concerns to a doctor and be forced to go on meds..if i wanted meds i would take the good stuff from my brother but i wont..i try not to anyway..no need to get addicted to morphine..but good grief he had his wisdom teeth pulled and they gave him some good pain meds and i saw them and wanted them and even went so far as to take the bottle out and keep it for a while..but then i put them back..i dont want to lose my job..i dont want to have something else to battle when all of this is making it so hard as it is..and to make it worse..i cut on monday..i ruined almost a month of not doing it because i was so stressed about apartment stuff and money ..i was so scared and worried and crying and all i wanted was to cut and hurt and make it all go away for a while..i look at my arm and wonder why i did it again..i think of how much more i manage to ruin my body for no other purpose than because i can:( you know i actually missed cutting..i wanted to do it because i was bored a couple weeks ago..i wanted to do it because i was forgetting what it felt like to forget completely.i was forgetting what it was to be so focused nothing else could get through..and i wanted it..i really wanted it...and now its mine again..

and now it seems ive gotten to the bottom of whats been bothering me...how pathetic is that..because for the past few hours i couldnt figure out what it was that was making me feel so nervous..maybe i should be more worried about why it started now..

life

life continues regardless of whether i want it to or not.not that i want it to end or anything but everything is just blah right now.im tired really incredibly tired and drained..all the noise and crowdedness of the camp is starting to get at me..meals are the worst because there are so many different groups in there and it gets so loud! i try hard not to zone out but i watch my group without really watching them..all the time i count them over and over to make sure none are going somewhere and i dont see it..i swear at the end of the summer i will only be able to count to 8 and then ill be doing it like ever 5 minutes! its so funny that its really come to that again! im back to being unable to focus on anything at all for longer than 30 mins again.. still some of it is that ive been around kids who dont focus! but even that will lessen some in a month or so..but for now its just like ill be talking to someone and half way through the convo its oh look a bug or something shiny or im off on something else that matters in no real way..great fun

so my second to last group of kids went home today and it was good to see them go and knowing they all had a good time..but it was hard knowing one had already had to go because of behavior..i felt so guilty for not being able to help him more once again..but then i remember how many times i had rocks thrown at me or books thrown at me..i cant forget he destroyed my harry potter book the day after i got it! oh that one still makes me so so so upset because he did it only to get me upset..and i actually chased him (because of running away) for a while before erika caught me and i started crying about it..it really hurt that he only did it because he was mad at me about something else and my book was lying right there..and all the times he hurt others smaller than him and kids he didnt know..and that he wasnt sorry at all..and i know we did what we could..and that was that..but the others had a good time..i had fun with them..playing games and being silly and just having fun..and its really nice to have parents that bring junk food and cards and tips..the money not being important but its nice to be appreciated and thanked..its nice to have parents that do realize how much it takes to keep these particular kids safe for 2 weeks and still let them have a good time..and seriously one parent brought me and heather so much junk food that im set for a month with chips and cookies and drinks and thats after we split it all in half and got what we wanted..plus left some for the other base staff! and a toy lol..its like magnetic knex and they are really cool..and the cash and gift cards didnt hurt either..i got a new movie! 300 and im watching it now..decided against going to the movies because im just so darn tired and feeling lazy right now..so we have decided to try for the movies the next time im off from work..i want to see the transformers or bratz when it comes out..seriously my only escapes from life is books, music, and movies..i live through them in so many ways..but anyway...hmm on to other stuff..im excited about the youngest kids coming on sunday..we are getting 6yr olds :) i loved the 8 and 9 yr olds and they proceeded to tell me i was about 7 and liked a lot of kid stuff! no idea why they would think that lol

other random stuff

i got a unicorn webkinz :) completely still thrilled about that one...white water rafting rocked and it was so cool..we did a level four rapid and got stuck and then got went zooming down when we were unstuck and it was so scary but so fun! completely terrifying looking down a rapid and being stuck and just seeing rocks and rushing water under you! im learning to knit and thats just weird by its self because its like i picked it up really easily for the most part and it keeps me busy..and its slow enough that i can do it and still absently pay attnetion to my job :P im looking for a new apartment and planning on moving to asheville in dec i think..if i dont stay at talisman i think ill start looking into new leaf..if i sont go home..and im just not ready to go home yet..i want to start saving for a new computer but i cant do that without a roommate or a good raise..i wonder how you even ask for a raise? hmm dont know..but im waiting until the summer is over and we are starting stuff for the semester..but something to think about all the same..mommy wants me to come home in a couple weeks because she is going out of town and nia needs a ride to work..and ill be able to babysit..and guess thats all...

oh the no cutting thing is over for now..and thats all