upset

im completely mad at yvonne for right now and it really annoys me that she implies im mad and right after that asks if it is something she has done..for once can anyone just let me be mad without making me feel like i have to apoligize for it! its not fair that its allows the other way around and its never just about me for a little while..there always has to be some underlying reason that i am upset or bothered and it just cant be im having a bad day or something..does no one realize i have a life outside of camp and that im maybe not always compeltely happy..i may not show it at all but dont assume it ...and dont try to change it so that im suddenly worried that ive done something to upset you when its not about you in the slightest..i just dont like it at all..and yea i know yvonne has been having a hard time of things lately with her bf and stuff but dont start taking it out on me when ive done nothing but listen and be a friend and be helpful...im sorry if sometimes im not insterested in what is being said or im sidetracked and watching kids or doing other things i have to do and cant focus fully on anyone..im sorry ok..im sorry im dumb enough to actually think that what i feel or want is important and means something..because if im not helping someone else then i must not be doing my job right..but after the first few days does anyone bother to really ask how im doing anymore? all that matters is that im suddenly back and so the world must be right again..

ill stop whining now

once again..life continues

hmmm its been a long time..and yep a lot has happened and a lot of things have changed i guess...i made it through the funeral and i guess that is the most important thing..i missed a week or so of work and went home and it was really odd i guess seeing so many family members and just not being able to remember who they were..they remember me but i cant remember them..nia talked to me about something that happened and i just couldnt remember the person at all..nia remembered and i didnt ...it sucked...but all the random always crowded feeling sucked..there were always ppl around..always someone walking in and out of the house and i still cant do crowds..i stayed out of most of it thankfully but on the actual say of the funeral i had to be there..it was raining and sad and i wasnt worried about myself or anything i was fine..sad but fine...i was more worreid about mommy..i am still worried about mommy and that she is at home alone without anyone right now...mommy freaked at the funeral and wake..riley told me about the first time and i was there for the second one...ive never seen mommy like that and that worried me...i told henry to go be with her..all her sisters and brothers were there too but i think henry helping was good too..i couldnt do it..i didnt cry at all at the funeral and it was really weird seeing the dead body but now ive been to a funeral..and its not as scary as i thought it would be but id rather not have to ever go to another one..i dont know how it is that i am completely disillusioned about death..its like no one can die but i hear about it all the time on the news and in magazines and everything..but for some reason i just dont never apply it to me and my life..yes i knew granny was sick but i didnt think she would die..i thought she would be there for forever to argue with mommy and be annoying and demanding...but at the same time its like ok maybe i hsould have tried harder to get to know granny more...i saw her and did things for her but i didnt expect anything from her...i dont expect things from anyone..yes it was nice being at home for a little while but it was so hard..saw my godmother agin for the first time in over ten years..funny that she didnt recongize me nia or henry when we picked her up! she walked right past us lol...she told me everyday she loved me..it worried me that it is that easy to make the vulunerable part of me wake up and scream to be noticed..i hated that and i want to kill that part of myself for forever..but it made me think (after i got over the wanting to kill it and everything part of things) but how is it that i can halfway accept love of someone else or easily when i know them..am i really that starved for attention and love? im not a child i should be able to take care of myself..i cant but thats another story...dont know i guess

all of that aside im am back at work now and back at my apartment today...well our kids went home on thursday and im sorry to say im not sad at all..2 are coming back and i dont mind the two coming back but for most i wasnt sad to see them go...i came back and it was really nice having my kids running to say hi to me and tell me they missed me...it was nice having a lot of the staff saying hi and telling me i was missed and asking how everything was and how i was...and i am glad that i made it back before they left but that lasted all of maybe an hour before i was wishing i had stayed at home...once the two that caused trouble were mad at me again it was back to the usual i hate you..you hate me deal...they didnt listen and were just mad they couldnt get there way..and yea it still hurts and it sucks they are that clueless and stupid and full of themselves that they cant see what the point of being their is..it makes me feel like we did nothing the whole time we were together..but then during the closing ceremony all of us counselors got some good compliments from the kids..some were the usual your nice or funny and some were really well thoughtout and i was proud of my kids...but at the same time i found out that one of my kids wrote some really mean things about me...race wise really mean things about me..it was disappointing more than anything else..yea my feelings were hurt but im still trying to figure out what really happened and why and im not sure i will..it was like suddenly i had this kid apoligizing to me from something but he wouldnt tell me what...and i was like how can i accept your apoligy when i odnt know what happened..i asked clare and erica and they wouldnt tell me right then..but i found out anyway when i saw what it was and it hurt...its so stupid and i dont believe he was sorry at all..he was sorry he was caught that was all...i cant believe it...so our kids are gone and thats that...i hate to say i dont ever want to see some of them again but i dont..i dont want to be anywhere near them...

a few ppl came to my house last night and we got dinner and drank and partied and it was fun..but still i was glad when the louder ones decided to go home..and suddenly my fridge is full of alcohol ill never drink..and tons of junk food..but it was fun last night and im not sorry we did it at all...i spent the day with clare today and we hung out and went to the movies and shopping and the mall...ive lived here for over 6 months and today is the first time ive gone to the mall that is like 10 minutes from my house!i dont really like shopping by myself in the mall and ive never gone but there is a build a bear there so i learned!!!! i cant wait to tell yvonne that there is one here..i really want to make another one...and finally got to go and see pirates of the carribean 3 which rocked so much...and i had clare looking for webkinz with me :) and that was fun too...

it is back to work tomorrow afternoon and im ready to go back kinda but i hope this group works better as a group..not to mention i dont know who im working with or which cabin im going ot be in...so its just a bit weird right now i think...

hmmm on to other stuff...im not losing weight..ive gained a couple pounds..my fault really..i didnt care and went home and like completely had cake everyday..im being a pig and all the drinking alst night didnt help at all!! i want to start trying again..well more like pay attention to what im eating and exercising more ..my usual stuff i always swear to do but then stop doing after a couple days...but at some point ill find motivation i suppose and it will matter ..but for now im not sure i care...i stay in the same range give or take and its so stupid at times..but oh well...im actually thinking of joing a gym somewhere or moving my eliptical to the living room so i can use it and watch tv since thats what i do most of the at home anyway...just watch tv...and be online...

yep i still have a horribly incredibly life

freaking out

ive finally decided that im leaving at 5 tomorrow morning so that ill have plenty of time to make it home...but right now all i want to do is sit down and cry and not even really cry..more like sit down and cut but im half trying to keep a handle on that..not has hard as i could be but im trying..i gues it doesnt count if ive picked at all of my bug bites on my arms and legs to get them to bleed..same thing but a different way..so im just sitting here putting off everything i need to do and just getting more upset by the minute for not doing anything but still not doing anything..i dont know..i suddenly really dont want to go home at all..i found out i wont be babysitting at all because they are going out of town and im like are you serious that was my one way to get out of being at home..and i cant really afford to go but it has to be done and ill have to worry about bills and everything later..but still all of it is crowding in on me..i know ill go home and mommy will see all the new scars on my legs..i forgot about the new cut scars on my ankle.that stand out horribly..not to mention all the various bug bites covering my leg..or the fact that im going home and getting stuck and being around all these ppl i dont know or dont remember..i dont want to go to the funeral or do anything with it..i know ill get home and be expedcted to help out..nia is having health problems again and is in and out of the hospital for tests..henry is going back to school next week and i have to help him bring his stuff back..i dont know if im getting paid for my time off..i dont know ..i dont know how anything is going to work out and i hate that..sudddenly im back to just wanting to run away again..hide out and just disappear for a while..i dont want to have to deal with anything..i guess if i bothered to read back i could figure out the last time i was feeling so suicidal..and its the stupidest thing i guess..i hate how much money has to rule everything and no matter how hard i seem to try i cant do anything right it seems..i do everything im supposed to and its just not enough..nothing is ever enough..im such a baby who really cares whether or not im spending money to buy things i need or just using it all to pay bills and hope no one notices what im doing..gotta love how easy it is to completely rule out needing food..im horrible and thats about all..

empty

im feeling really empty right now...granny died last night and i was told about it today because i was stupid and didnt ahve my phone on me last night...its a good thing i was off today or else i would have left for my hike tomorrow and not known about it...i would have felt really guilty for not being at home when i was neeeded..no i dont want to go and when i finally talked to mommy about it she just told me what i needed to wear and that i better look decent..so ok fine whatever..i talked to arron and was given time off to be at home and i just have to come back when i can and its looking like ill miss the entire last part of this session at camp..im feeling guilty for missing the hike with my group when i know we have a hard group of kids..im worried about mommy and how she is not that she would even tell me..but ill worry i was worried this morning when i kept calling all her phones and she didnt pick up..henry told me..im just out of it right now..came back home after going and talking to aaron and just kinda shut down i guess and went to sleep...i hate just being here and waiting and doing nothing..i cant gohome until friday because i have to wait to get paid..and then i have to go and then i have to stay and help henry bring his stuff back...i refuse to ask mommy for money for the trip and im hoping that if im at home then maybe ill get to work a little bit for some extra money when im not needed by mommy to stay home...i already know ill be expected to clean and everything..i have to drive back to talisman tonight and get more stuff that i wasnt thinking about earlier and left..i dont want to see my kids at all right now..but i did let my coconselors know what was wrong and that i would be back..i dont know what to do with myself..im just waiting for now...

life update

...well i leave for the hike on wed and im really dreading it because of our kids..i worry if we will be able to do it in the four days with the kids we have...will they even be able to get along good enough TO hike for four days without crying or arguing..its just so annoying i guess...its hard being around then right now knowing how horrible they are are acting and it was bad enough yesterday that the manager and asst manager and director had to come to our group have have a talk about why it was inappropriate to talk about sex..it was really disappointing though and i cant believe that its a bunch of 9 and 10 year olds were talking about sex and the whole situation just really suckcs...we have the worst group on campus..and yep it just really bites...ive been called mean everyday since they got here..im the one that a couple just swears they hates me andi hate them..and its like fine call me what you like because i dont care but it still hurts..ended up crying a few days ago because it was beyond some of them just saying they hate me..they were positive they could get me in trouble with linda or aaron and i wanted to laugh at them it was so absurd but i couldnt believe them..and they are just positive im worried about getting in trouble and its like give me a break ive done nothing wrong at all..and its not my fault you dont like being told what to do and im not going anywhere...so i was crying and completely walked away from my group after telling clare i needed a break..and started crying and couldnt stop for a while..it was just build up of everything and it sucked..my feelings are hurt every day by some of the kids and then patched up by some of the kids..its so confusing i guess..quinn came and talked to me for a while and just kinda let me know my kids were brats and that im doing fine and etc etc..and then i left to take a break and she laid into my kids about how my feelings were hurt and that they shouldnt be saying those things..and im glad she did but it seems that no matter how much we talk ad talk and talk some of our kids just arent getting it..so yea the knowledge about how awful are group iis well kinda is common knowledge...one kids keeps running away and its somehow my fault so he says because im always picking on me..and he even got his say with aaron about me and i still wasnt in trouble...stupid kid..hmm maybe not stupid but just thoughtless...ive already told them i was here last summer and i was here inbetween to and i still have a job so i guess im doing something right...even mattt told me that you know linda and aaron would stick up for me in situations like this...im not worriedabout losing my job because ive done nothing wrong but its annoying thinkings i have to defend myself to a 9 year old...so work is just really a huge ball of stress right now and we really never get a break except on days off...and thats still only once a week...ugh but it hasnt gotten to the point of me questioning why im still here..but i talked it over yesterday with the same kids kinda nad its like why in the world do you think i would take a job were im around a bunch of kids that say they hate me when i can go home and be with the kids who really want me? its so simple but so incredibly hard to answer i guess..why is it that i stay here knowing i will get kids that say im horrible and they hate me when im not doing anything but my job? i know im not mean but i was told yesterday but one of the kids that im strict and thats a good thing..me strict ?! lol..fine i can handle being strict but im not mean to a bunch of kids who are only here for 3 freaking weeks..give me a break..and ive talked it over with the other two counselors i work with and they say im not mean and they do the same things i do but its me thats called out for being mean..so stupid...so rant aside what fun has been going on? we went rock climbing on sunday and i actually gave in and climbed again..and it was so hard but not as hard as the first time and i almost made it all the way to the top until i thought my legs would give out and i asked to be let back down lol..but i was a little bit proud of doing it of my own conviction i guess..and we went to the tower and i got to belay again which rocked...i cant wait for the rafting trip..bad kids or not that is still the best part of the whole summer and i get to go two more times! not to mention i get to work with the younger kids again next session..i asked for working with them specfically for one of the returning kids and ill have him...it will be hard but i cant wait! and after that i dont care which group i get..i dont hate my job or anything..whats a job without a challenge right? but im worrying about when i have to go home and if ill be able to stay here or if i should go ahead and go back to school now? i dont know..my rent is going up ...i have some bill issues i wasnt expecting and it just goes beyond sucking really...but mommy said she will have to start paying for the car payments and ill have to do the loan repayment and the other bills instead...i cant do all of it and i cant keep asking her to borrow so much money to pay my bills! i have a job and i still have to ask for money to pay bills ugh..its miserable and not much fun at all..but hopefully soon it will all even out and ill know what i need to do...so i cant decide what it is i have to do or should do..yes i want to go to grad school but i dont want to go home..i cant afford to live anywhere else...maybe i can talk to nia about getting a two bedroom apt..but i dont know about that either..yea it would work out if i had a car and we both had jobs ..and it would be half rent and stuff...and it would be easier and i would still have the freedom of being back but not at home home maybe? but i like my freedom too..i so no i still cant decide..but i guess ill have to figure out something soon..and for all of it i dont have to go back to school now anyway..im hoping for a raise in aug/sept...maybe if i dont stay with talisman for the semester i can stay in sc and just find a job here and make more money...i love talisman but i dont want to work for jon without some changes..just cant happen..i dont want to be stuck in a job where im not respected when i dont have to stay there..so maybe ill do that for a while and see what happens..but still ive given myself until dec and i will..and after that ill just have to see what i want to do..i may move apartments because of the rent going up with each renewal and that really bites!

so on to other non complaining stuff...no idea how long its been since ive cut or purged but ive been picking at my fingers and bug bites horribly..my arms and legs are a horrible mess of scars and bug bites that ive scratched and had to put bandaids on..sometimes i think i cant stop because i sit there and pick and pick and im not satisfied until they are bleeding ..and then i have the nerve to tell my kids to stop scratching or they will have to wear gloves..i tell them i had to wear gloves last summer and i did..still think a lot about purging though and i wanted to cut the night i was crying but talked instaed a little bit..but even all that aside im worried about yvonne alot..ive learned a lot about her in the past f ew weeks and its like for as much as im deathly quiet about my personal life she is the oppisite and is completely talkative about everything that is bothering her..a lot of ppl know about whats going on in her life maybe not all of it but enough to know whts bothering her..and i watch her and wonder why it is she has no problem sharing and i cant make myself say anything..but i know all of it already and im worried about how depressed and sad she is..she told me she wasnt suicidal but im still worried..for as unalike we are we are more alike than i would ever let on..and its more of we are alike in thoughts not behaviors i guess..because she talked to me about not wanting to be here anymore and feeling so sad and unwanted and its like shes saying what i think all the time..but thats the one big difference..shes saying it and im not..she will ask for help and i would rather die than let anyone know im having a hard time..and i dont know how to make it better because there is only so much i can do about her personal life..its not mine and i cant go in and make it better for her..or stop her from doing anything..so im just lost..i have to be ok to help her and thats that...so yea same old same old i guess

a bit overwhelmed

i dont know..im feeling a bit overwhelmed..really overwhelmed in some ways..im tired and have no energy right this minute and i just want to go to sleep really..but its not even 8 and we are rushing around trying to get things ready for the kids coming tomorrow..and im excited and nervous but really ready to get started..lots of cleaning and planning that had to get done...but ive been noticing that i dont do well when i have to mayn loud things going on at once near me..i knew i didnt really enjoy crwds but here when there are always like 5 different convos going on and games being played and laughing and everyhting going on at once and it makes me so nervous and agitated..and on edge..and some kids came today the teens did ..but after that its just i dont know everything feels really confused...i really want to throw up and it really annoyed me that i just figured out there is no privacy anywhere on this campus...kinda random i just figured that out today but its a pain in the butt..im used to being here with like max 10 other ppl not 70 and i got used to being able to go and get whatever i wanted whenever i wanted and know i have to ask and now im just to just counselor and i cant just walk into the office and grab keys to the nurses place and just go in..and it was surprising this morning when i was told i couldnt go into the nurses office without her being there..its like ok ive been here longer than a lot of you and whatever but fine ok im just a counselor and blah blah blah..not a big deal and i dont know why it bothered me so much but it did and it shouldnt have..i feel like im not pulling my weight and doing my fair share of stuff and it shouldnt be like that but it is ..i do tons..im all over the place and its like its not enough..like i have to prove i deserve to be here like everyone else...its stupid in a way and its not that i dont like being here i just dont know what im supposed to think..i get nervous easily and its not like i have tons of self confidence or self esteem or anything but being around so many ppl how just seem to pick things up really easy and i cant get the hang of stuff makes it hard...i can tell when my mood drops and i cant do anythingabout it..if someone asks whats wrong i say im fine..might be incredibly suicidal at that moment but it doesnt matter im fine..i dont know how to just give in and say i need a break or just to talk..i dont know how to just sit down and let someone know everything without worrying but its the worrying that stops me in the first place...its like always on the tip of my tongue to talk to someone but i dont know who i dont know how..for the little bit that yvonne pushes the more i refuse to tell her anything..i keep thinking one day ill tell her..one day ill finally let her figure it all out and leave it alone but i dont know if ill ever let that happen..maybe im not ment to be helped in whatever way it is that i need it..i dont know..i read the summary that was written on me after the hike since i was bad camper ..and its weird how easily im read sometimes...it was all completely appropriate and needed but i didnt know anyone noticed when i was withdrawing or being quiet and not talking or just needing to be noticed a bit more..i wasnt the loud one and i wasnt the most talkative but i was noticed just a bit...but still im feeling incredibvly misunderstood..i wonder how many ppl would keep making the purging comments if they knew i threw up after eating..given it was made as a joke and i didnt respond but it was enough to make me stop and think a bit..it had really been a good while since ive wanted to purge..mainly because the last time i did it i felt really really sick and gross and miserable for a night..and it just stopped again..maybe had something to do with being asked to stop but i stopped..and then the other night i went out for dinner and ice cream and first off the ice cream was to much sugar after the four day hike but really i just had a burger and fries and a huge ice cream cone and i felt so sick..really full and really sick and i said i was going to throw up and really ment it but i didnt..but i thought about it until after we got back to camp and was almost ready to cry because i couldnt figure out a release that wouldnt hurt..i didnt purge in the end..got sidetracked and talked to hollice for an hour and by then it was almost 1 in the morning and it was time to go to bed..but tonight i felt it again...for some reason today i was just really hungry and no matter what i ate it didnt help..there was dessert after dinner tonight and so i had dinner and whatnot and two pieces of chocolate cake and once again felt like throwing up..trying hard not to..still feel like throwing up and it sucks...i want to cut..i just want to do anything that hurts right this minute..so instead im trying hard to just be busy..i got my computer to hook into the wireless connection at camp and im writing here and half chatting..but its not really helping..i feel miserable..

hiking and other random stuff

so the staff hike is over now and ive completely another 23 mile hike and yes it was hard but not nearly as hard as last years..maybe becasue i knew more of what to expect and could still recognize parts of the trail and it wasnt all surprising and unexpected...but good grief i had forgotten how stressful and draining that hike is..physically and emotionally...almost cried once on the second day and then i was moved up to the front...yes im slow but then they all said i was able to set a great pace when i was in the front..and so i hiked the front most of yesterday and part of today and right now i just dont want to walk anywhere my legs are so so so sore and its a pain in the butt ...not mpving makes me feel so stiff and then i have to walk somewhere or get up and it hurts a lot ..so im hoping ill be feeling a bit less sore after a good nights sleep..for some reason i dont know why i cant sleep good outside but i really cant...i just get nervous or something and then i cant sleep and keep waking up...not for me at all i guess and maybe its just because i cant get comfortable..maybe i just need to wait until i have a better sleeping bag and everything but ill have to see..i got to play bad camper for like the whole hike at various times throughout each day and that was really fun but i was so still the fairly easy camper to get redirected..the others cursed up a storm and i did feel bad for the staff that had to deal with them and it did suck at times but they all handled it and got through it and we all finihsed the hike and i really was proud of everyone else but still wasnt proud of myself..everytime we had to do the proud, positive and learned thing i worked really hard to come up with group ones because it was easier and made more sense and i didnt see why it good at all to say i proud of myself when i wasnt..i hated that i still suck at hiking and its like yea i finished but i should have tried harder and worked more and its like ok you hiked 23 miles with everyone else and worked really hard and its still just not good enough at all and that really does suck in so many ways .. i can so be proud for someone else..anyone else and i cant be proud of myslf but i did the same thing as everyone else so what makes me so different? i should have done more..and i guess its not fair that im compeltely set in thinking that..no matter how much positive stuff i hear i will always have everything in my head to make sure i dont forget im a dork and stupid and all this other stuff...so yea it sucks...so besides having fun playing bad camper..it was the usual mindless hiking...on the second day i really wanted to just give up and quit and almost started crying for lack of anything else to do in the middle of the hike...the other days it just hurt horrible but i had to keep going..funny i was thinking today while hiking and listening to everyone checking on the ppl needing the extra encouragement and its like hmm slighty jealous..ok really jealous...and eventually i really did get around to thinking about why it was i was so jealous over something so simple..i really didnt have anything to do but think because i didnt want to talk ..i noticed i get really quiet when hiking and its because if i dont focus ill stop and yea i wouldnt to stop but i couldnt stop...but anyway hmm its like the ppl who got the extra encouragement just flat out asked for help..and no matter how much i hated hiking i didnt complain and i kept saying i was fine..i needed the extra encouragement and hated that i couldnt ask for it and everyone else just made it seem so easy..i suck..i really really do..i dont get how it is that some ppl can be so open about there lives and problems and just talk and talk and talk and get advice and feedback and everything and i cant...i want to sometimes but i cant..its miserable and no matter how many times i try to talk myself into asking for help i cant..like i was with tim while he was talking to yvonne about you know getting support and everythign and im sitting there listening but focused on something else and he got around to saying that you should be able to get support at talisman because you know your working there and you were hired because they wanted you..nothing to do with me but its just i wonder what it takes to be fired..i dont want to be fired but i cant get around thinking i would be..ive been told to many times that i will be fired for cutting..and you can look at my arms and legs and still see new scars..its cant really be lied away if i just sit there and say ive stopped when i know i havent..its not fair to them to do that...honesty works good for a lot of things and by not telling them im lying arent i? i guard my secrets as much as i can and when i have to share i really cant....so yea thats what i thought this morning during hiking..

other stuff doing the hike..given it was another 23 mile hike..even though i did it 3 times last summer its still a killer hike..but 23 miles is 23 miles and even with all that the whole thing in general was fairly fun..i watched some of the staff go skinny dipping and it was just holy cow look away..and i did..i worked really hard to look in the other direction! and of course one of the other staff not in the waterfall took there clothes and threw them on another rock and so they all had to get out of the water naked and i was standing by some of the clothes and tim asked me to hand him his and i wouldnt..just to be difficult :) and he said he would get down and give me a hug and i should have believed him and half did and i took off down the rock and he chased me until i had to stop and he gave me a hug and he was naked lol and they got a picture..and then they tried to go skinnydipping off the rope swing and there was like a church group with little kids camped right by the lake and itw as like umm nope no skinnydipping now..we stayed up late talking and friendly picking on each other..we played never have i ever one night in the middle of the parking lot near one of our campsites..and we looked at stars and had a belly drum circle...i saw another shooting star and that was cool..i slept with tim again lol..and stayed on my own blue thing this time! didnt see any bears but so almost walked over a snake! and heather almost dropped her pack on a copperhead..lots of snakes this trip! and i saw one in the water :) we stopped at various waterfalls and got to play in the water some with clothes on..and getting to soak my feet in freezing cold water when i didnt want to hike anymore really did help a lot...so it was cool..and i do like the two other girls i found out im working with..so im excited about the kids coming..im actually going to be with the younger boys and that i like a lot..im slightly worried because i do know some of the kids that are coming back but i know we will be fine..and i really do love working with arron and matt..they are so cool although i am sad im not working with yvonne..but there two more sessions and those havent been picked yet..so it will be fine and fun and another great summer and thats about all

hmmm

whether i want to or not we are going hiking tomorrow for the staff 4 day hike..im kinda looking forward to it kinda not..hiking is hiking and i suck at it..but then i still finish it suffer or not and after its all said and done how will i feel then? will it change anything at all except that i can say i finished another 24 mile hike .. will it give me anymore confidence in myself or who i am? i was talking yesterday about why i even came back to talisman when it wasnt the population i wanted to work with..and its because of the staff..becuase of the admin ...i had a talk with my program managers today and they said that they want to see me in more of a leadership role..and that they were really glad i had come back and that i was going to work in base again..they told me that they had seen a lot in my last summe rand that they hoped this summer i would keep growing and work on moving up in my strengths..it was interesting to say the least..i never see this stuff and i never believe it..but still i have ppl telling me every single day that they love me and they appreciate my help and all this positive stuff..and maybe one day it really will get through..dont know..highlight of my day today ..i got to play bad camper again!!! i packed my backpack wrong and they had to check and make sure i had everything i needed..well everything i needed was a fire extingusher, a roll of toliet paper, jenga blocks, a bible, bunches of stuffed animals, markers, candy, shoes that werent mine, pillow and a tennis racket..and i fit it all in and swore up and down i was ready to go hiking..and the counselors working with me actually did a good job getting me to realize that i needed to repack and couldnt take all of that because it wasnt a good idea..it was great..i talked about it all day and then when i got a backpack and walked into the office and just said i needed stuff to pack that was wrong ..and everyone just started handing me the most off the wall stuff possible.but it was a lot of fun..and during the hike ill be on meds and have to take them at teh weirdest times i could possibly think of..me and matt are on meds and the 3 of us are bad campers for the trip..so lots to look forward to but the hiking still worries me..i know i dont eat enough a lot of the time but when im hiking i really really dont eat..and i dont like a lot of the trail food and some things i just refuse to eat ..like summer sausage..its beyond gross..but i know ill have trouble if i dont eat but i cant bring myself to eat mcuh either...i already know im dehydrated and i know it will just get worse over the next four days while hiking..i think ill bring three water bottles on the hike because i know ill dehydrate and be miserable and thirsty all the time...its like yea i know what im going into but i dont know how to make it ok and deal with it...so i just go and keep telling myself im fine and that it iwll be ok...and i know ill get to the end but it will be long and hard...maybe ill be ok at the end..sore and tired and cranky but ok ! i found out i lost like 7 pounds in a week...dont know how or why but i did..i know it could be water and what not from not drinking enough water and whatnot but still im losing weight..and eating without throwing up..go me i guess...but now that im conciously thinking about it i know im not doing so well..but i also know that hiking for 5 days and not eating means ill drop weight really kinda fast...so ill see how it goes..im trying hard not to weigh myself now but i will in the morning...and then again when we get back from the hike...just to see..and even then ill be going on two more hikes after this..you know i learned today that you can burn up to 900cals from hiking for a couple hours..not like a walk in the woods but real hiking like we are doing..i never knew that?! i never bothered to learn or care really how many you used up hiking but its good to know i guess..and now ill obsess heavily about it but its good to know...

yesterday was yesterday was really hard...i knew when i saw it on the schedule that i should skip that talk on suicide and eating disorders ..i knew and everytime i looked at it the more i wanted to go and hear it..and i did and i couldnt make myself walk out in the middle of and i really wanted too..i really needed to get up and walk ouot and i didnt..i stayed and suffered and got so anxious and antsy and felt miserable...here i am sitting there and listening to all the signs of suicide and he touched on cutting a little bit but it was mostly catching suicide ideations before it gets into planning stages..so im just zoning out horribly thinking about a million different things..and no matter how sad i was suddenly feeling and no matter how many ppl i watched get up and walk out only to be followed by staff so they could talk if they needed too and i wouldnt move..i listened but didnt listen at the same time..and i hated it the whole time i was there because yea i can recount in detail what it is to be suicidal but then they would all know..and what then?? i would lose my job..and then what.. i would be lost and hurt and i dont know...and i hate not knowing..so i keep my secerts and keep my sufferings to myself..and it sucks all the more..because lately all i want to do is talk and i cant...i havent been really writing in my other journal to much but im going to have to ..ill take it on the hike with me...