tired

thats about all..trying hard to wake up and join the world of the living but still im sooo tired..came home and cleaned a little, watched tv, read, etc ..and then just went to sleep for a couple hours ..and now im up and not sure what to do lol...i want a milkshake and thats like all im focused on right now..i get to start playing the bad camper with the new staff starting tomorrow and i cant wait for that...its so much more fun when i already know what to expect and get to push them to the limits of patience and they still wont really belive us..but oh well.they will figure it out when the kids get here..

nothing

ive been really stupid lately...really having a hard time of everythign and i stay fairly busy but its not enough i guess..given office work is boring as heck and i try to go in and out of the office when i can..but linda has caught on to when im fishing for a way to be let out of paperwork duties and wont agree to what im asking to do...but its ok since i know she is glad im willing to do it and i do a good job with it..and its fun being in the office with everyone im comfortable with..but i am getting more comfortable talking with the new ppl..still in my own little world but im getting better...its so weird being there and not fitting completely into either group..like im not new but im not admin but i have admin privledges..i know how the camp works, i know where stuff is and how to get it or find it, i know some of the returning campers and i have tons of stories..not that anyone would believe them lol.its true that you cant understand talisman stories if you dont work there or have worked there...so anyway back to what i started off with ... hmmm really just out of it the past couple days..sad but not really .. yesterday was a crying day but i held that off and ended up cutting instead .. and one thing led to another and i have no promised to work harder at not cutting...no idea why i even gave in and agreed to it but i did and so ill try ..if nothing else i will try everything i can think of to stop .. .

and so the summer starts

i have been stuck in the office for the past week doing staff and kids paperwork..and given ive gotten good at it i really dont like doing it..its sooooooooo boring and time consuming and linda just wont let me even talk her into letting me out of the office..but at the same time i have them all telling me thanks like a million times a day and telling me how wonderful i am and how much they appreciate what im doing and they know it sucks big time but im sitcking it out..and to make it much better i have made it so i can stay in the office for a couple days next week...its not that im being antisocial and refusing to socialize with all the new ppl..i just dont like being around all the new ppl because i get to antsy and then i dont talk anyway and im not even trying at all to really meet anyone because im way to scared and worried about how everyone sees me ..and its not like im new and dont know what im doing but i dont count as admin either..im just somewhere in the middle and i do all the admin stuff without being admin lol...i know how to get into everything and its weird being trusted so much and still only being a counselor..but i wouldnt want to be admin either because i hate being stuck in the office all day answering phones and talking to upset parents..i dont answer the phones now and id rather that didnt change..so anyway..tons of new ppl around and good grief we have a young group this year..i feel out of place kinda but at the same time its like i know what im geting into and i feel really bad for the ppl who dont know why they are here ... being told we are working with kids who just try your patience was putting it really quite nicely ... and its like oh no they dont ..they will push every button you never even knew you had...but then its like ok the stories i have to tell them they wouldnt believe at all..no one would really think kids would go as far as they can really go..but anyway the summer is really getting started now and its going to be busy..we have more sessions and more kids and just lots of constant activity! ... and im a spazz and being way quieter than usual .. but on a good note yvonne is here now and i think it is going to be fun this summer too...its cool that she is here and everyone likes her..and we have talked a lot about what to expect and she heard all of my summer stories when i got back last summer..and saw all the pictures and she still came ..so i guess it will work out...shes dealing with a lot of stuff though..so hopefully it will be a good summer for her too...dusti is fine and of course controlling the apartment..completely weird that i left snikkers at home and was completely upset about it when i figured it out last night..because i had packed her and then took her out to show yvonne and forgot to put her back and it wasnt cool that i forgot her...and ok this is going to stop making much sense right about now...i forgot all of my books and my notebook and my coloring books and the usual stuff i need to keep busy when im nervous..so stupid of me and i cant believe i forgot everything..well i can because i was throwing stuff into a bag at 8 in the morning after driving all night the night before and it was really hard trying to make sure i had what i needed and still forgot most of it..not really supposed to be home tonight but am ..and spending the night even..but leaving early enough to be back in plenty of time tomorrow..trying really hard to just eat and be ok for now..not binge eat either but reg eating and not stress..and of course that means no throwing up..and no cutting and no anything..just be ok and let it go..kinda sucks being back to wearing my wrist band to hide the new scars on my wrist ..sucks to be me..im nervous about my arms a lot now..all my scars and i try really hard to not let it show but its there...no one asks but i wonder who notices...the night before i went to get yvonne i was a mess to put it nicely..freaking out about everything and nothing at the same time..felt way to much alone, invisible, mad, sad, everything that i was thinking and couldnt make go away killed me...and then i felt so guilty for being a dork and freaking without really understanding why..and no way of figuring out how to help myself...finally gave in and chatted with someone for a while until i was to tired to think of anything else..and that took most of the night and i was up past 1 in the morning again..sleep eludes me these days...i cant figure anything out at all..but im still me and as much as i hate admitting it i cant seem to change much at all..i am pulling stuff out for camp that i need to take and i found the stuff jenny sent me and her letter and her cd..i found my pictures and the cards from my teacher..i found all of it and it made me want to cry because i dont know how to be ok with who i am but there are other ppl who can see what i cant and it sucks ..jenny told me i need to be nicer to myself or else.. i ahve someone constantly telling me that they will help but i have to let them know when i need it..i dont know how to ask for help..and when i finally gave in the other night i was beyond suicidal ...i was beyond anything i guess and its hard pulling myself back from all of that..going to work is a distraction but still there is free time to stop and think and wonder what in the world im doing and why..and still cant figure out a way to make it better..i was fine or i thought i was and it sucks that it still really takes almost nothing to push me back into no mans land of nothingness...pathetic i guess...why do i have to be so mixed up...lately im back to feeling like a horrible person because i cant bring myself to tell anyone the truth about anything..i dont know what linda would do but im almost positive i wouldnt lose my job..she would give me choices though..i wonder what all of the office ppl would do ..would it matter or would things change ? would they all ask me constantly if im ok or would i even tell all of them..i really think its only fair linda knows because anything can happen and i know that..i try hard not to cut or purge while working but i have done it..and i wouldnt want anything to happen and have someone else be blamed for something ive done and didnt bother cluing anyone else in on...im worried horrribly about it and im not sure ill ever even go through with it but i think its only fair...i feel horrible because it seems like i dont trust yvonne and i do but i dont know..i cant explain why or even how its all supposed to work out but i want to tell her...i want to and i cant..i always stop myself..i always find a way to get out of talking about it..i showed yvonne one of my paintings tonight and asked what she thought of it and good grief it read into it well..too well and then i refused to explain the picture at all .i didnt think it would be read so easily when i cant even explain it..but not being able to ecxplain it isnt the same thing as not knowing what its about..i dont know how it came to be like that or why but i have it and i cant do anything with it because it scares me..who knew i would be able to actually paint how it really is and that asomeone else could read it so easily..its sucks and i feel really stupid for doing that..im horrible..but no one seems to be able to see it but me...as much as i want to tell yvonne everything im not sure i can..i dont know if ill ever be able to do it...i hate that it seems like i dont trust her but when i was talking about it earlier today that all it comes down too..trust is a very touchy subject and its like ok she trusts me to tell me all this stuff and i cant tell her anything..yep im horrible

back to work

i cant believe jon...i really really cant...how he can let jim take the blame for somehting that was my fault and just say that he isnt going to be working there next semester..it sucks and its not fair and i just cant believe he would be that low..as in all of this could have been brought up before i left town and they didnt do it..i was in the office that morning before i left wasting time and no one said anything to me about any of it..and then once im gone i get a call from jim telling me what happened and its like you have got to be kidding me..i was there and no one said anything at all and once im gone suddenly jim is in trouble for everything...its not fair how politics can rule people and how money is really all that matters in the end..they would let the one kid come back because its more money and i refuse to work with him now...more so im more resolved than ever for next semester to be my last one...i love the program but im not thrilled with its management..maybe next semester will be different and things will run smoothly..i dont know but ill see...maybe ill get a nice enough raise to stick it out for longer i dont know..i feel kinda bad though leaving a job after only a year and its not because i was fired or anything...maybe ill even come back after i finish grad school because i can go to a different state and still work within aspen if i wanted...i could come back to the same program but i dont think i would do that with a masters...i dont really know what i want to do but ill have to figure it out by dec...because then ill have to start making choices about what if im moving and where ill be going...it sucks knowing i wont be working with jim though..it sucks knowing they could let him go so easily and he was by far the strongest..he loves this and hes good at it and jon is going to be childish and say he cant work with him ..after what jon did to us im not thrilled about working for him either..but still i said i would be there for the fall and i will..after that its all up in the air..hmm all the major work stuff aside..im going to get yvonne on wed im almost positive...and i told jim we are going back to key west in dec and he was perfectly ok about it!! which rocks..he said he is considering going down there after the summer and i told him to go ahead and do that so if i came to visit i would have a place to stay..and i completely meant that..even if he doesnt im considering the park we were at that i liked so much..camping out is a lot cheaper than a hotel and we dont need anything but a tent lol..im not picky..so ill have to start working on that right after the summer is over..figuring out dates and everything..and who is going..i asked yvonne and she said she would think about it ..who else would i want to go to keywest with to party for a week before christmas...i would so love to be there for new years but thats would be major crowded and im still antsy around to many ppl at once...hmm so lots to do..i know have a couple things im saving up for...1) trip to key west 2) money to buy my butterfly thingy from key west....the second one will take much longer to save up for since it was like 400 bucks and i have like 0 but ill get it eventually...i dont think ive ever wanted something so much before..but i stood in that store and stared at it for as long as i could get away with and was completely heartbroken when i found out how much it was but good grief i want it all the same...and im once again wanting to go to bed but im not tired...i cant go to sleep at 4 in the morning again..i dont know whats making me so nervous but im getting anxious again..i can feel it in my shlouders all the time today...i dont get how it just comes and goes but its painful ..i was good today..no purging..but i do really need to start getting stuff together for camp and packing up clothes and my sleeping bag and all that good stuff...i finally emailed a couple of my teachers with questions about grad school and unfourtunately ill have to take the GRE or the MAT ugh..which means ill have to study and hope i dont fail it!! which ever i decide to try for...which also means ill be doing the most stupidest thing of my life and going home in dec...i really cant see no way around it and i dont know how ill manage at all..i dont even want to think about it..4 days made me more suicidal than ive been in a long time and its just been downhill ever since..the more i think about it the more worried i am..the more i think about just dropping everything and applying now for grad school the more i know i cant do it..hello logic to my head going back to school now would just be asking to fail every thing..not because i couldnt do the work but because i couldnt handle doing the work...it took all of my energy to get through my bsw in one piece and that was with therapy..im not entirely sure my teachers would be thrilled to find out ive stopped therapy once again..and i know its a stupid excuse saying no one made me go but that was a huge part of it for a while...i do enjoy not having to answer to anyone about what ive been doing to myself but i just know if the people who already know really knew then they would be incredibly disappointed and upset because im not doing what i should be to keep myself safer...and that does stop me sometimes but not all the time..and im a prol at talking myself into something if i want it enough! but i have to talk myself out of going back to key west right this minute..funny jim told me tonight that he was pretty sure i wouldnt be forgotten with the ppl i meant in key west..and i hope hes right in the worst way but at the same time i wonder how it is i loved being there and the attention ..even being pushed on stage ..ok forcibly helped on stage with jim standing right behind me so i wouldnt back out to put money down someones dress...drunk or not i enjoyed it oh i was beyond drunk most nights but whatever and then i get back here and its like ok back to my usual behaviors..weird...hmm beth hart is my newest favorite singer ..she is right up there with tori amos and tracy chapman now..its really random that i find a cd i can listen to completely and like every song there is on it..but with the leave the light on cd i love all the songs..i can relate to all of them a bit more than i like and maybe thats why i like them so much..i try hard not to push my music on other ppl but for now that cd is staying in my car and to bad if you dont like it...im missing one of her cds from like 96 that i really want to get and i really want to Sia cd...Breathe Me is another of my current favorite songs because it makes sense to me..yvonne told me im one of the few ppl who still actually listens to the words in songs ... and i do ...ok i guess im off to figure out to force myself into going to sleep..its going to be a miserable day tomorrow if i cant sleep tonight..i only got 5 hours last night.. and ill need more than that if i expect to be in the office all day tomorrow...hmm yep back to the real world

hmm

yep i think ive lost my mind...i cant sleep and im up and so im cleaning ... yea ive completely lost my mind

i cant sleep...i have way to many things in my head ..constantly jumping from one thing to another and im just up and thinking about how much i want to go to keywest again..im planning on going back and i cant go back without jim! i just dont think i can completely get off the keyswest thing until i go back and see if its as much fun the second time around..its one of the few things ive decided i just have to do! no way around it...i just dont understand why i have gotten so attached to a place ive only been once and i was working half the time i was there! i cant explain it at all i just know i have to go back

-nothing

i dont feel like i have any energy at all riight now..i just want to sleep for forever and never have to worry about anything else ..today has been miserable in some ways and utterly boring in others...i have the idea back in my head about how stupid and worthless i am and to make it go away i went back to throwing up..its beyond hurting right now..maybe with time it will all stop hurting..its the only thing that makes my head be quiet for a little while..dusti completely kept sleeping in my bed last night..and i move all over the place and she kept moving out of my range and then coming back..but i took something last night to help me sleep and stay sleep..finished my harry potter book for like the 5th time..started the other new one i have..but it prolly wont take long to get through that one and then ill have to find some other way to entertain myself during the day..yvonne asked if i would drive to raliegh and pick her up since her car messed up and she cant bring it ..i told her i could if she gave me gas money...i dont mind doing it but im not thrilled to be in the car for yet another million hours on the road...ill ahave to look up directions and everyhting but it will be fun driving back with company even though im horrible with small talk and everything..but yvonne already knows that too..but then i cant blast my incredibly depressing music either..that sucks ..i do try somethings to change my music if someone else is in the car with me..but right now i dont car and its like ok its my car and i can listen to whatever i want too..but then i feel mean for doing that..but sometimes i just kinda really need my cds to keep me sidetracked and if anyone bothered to really listen to the words in half of my songs they would wonder about my sanity anyway...i have an interesting taste in music i suppose and it really doesnt bother me but i htink sometimes it can get to other ppl...same way my movie selection is off the wall and i think i really have some of everything.. i watched gia the other day and its waynes movie but i have it now and it was shocking..i had been wanting to see it only because angelina was in it but good grief drugs, sex and the ugly world of modeling..im so naive at times its sickening..

home again

and im back home once again..well just my apartment but still if it has all of my junk then its home..hmm not counting dusti since she keeps an eye on everything while im not here and im hardly ever here! but anyhoo im back for a few days before work starts for the summer and then ill be back and forth again for the rest of the summer..getting away for a while was nice and i think ill have to visit charleston again at some point..they have an imax there and its been a while since ive ben to see an imax movie not really counting the one i saw with the kids..that was more of keeping track of all of them and making sure they were behaving and what not..but this time it was really cool and we saw spiderman 3..i think the 3rd movie is my favorite! now im waiting for the new movies and back to worrying about bills and everything..somehow they are always here waiting when i get back..bills are stupid..im feeling rather childish right this minute..hmm oh i have two new webkinz that i searched for with janet for like a week before we found any..so i have ended up with a polar bear i finally named snowball and a dog i named lilbit..there so cute and ive adopted them and its fun playing on the site with them..keeps me busy at least..and i got some new books and went to a million different stores and walked around downtown charleston and saw tons of shops and it rocked that there was a coldstone there!...the bridge was pretty cool too i liked the design but i think i prefer tunnels to bridges..so ive figured out lol..they are both kinda weird though..hmm i think ill go and fix a late breakfast or something..i want pancakes for some reason..

webkinz and stuff

i now have a webkinz..a monkey named snikkers thanks to riley spelling it wrong! when i came over yesterday harris and riley both showed me all of the webkinz that they have and they are really cute little stuffed animals..they each have 5 i think or riley has 5 and harris has 4..but there mom came back yesterday from being out of town and she brought them little monkey ones yesterday and i saw them a little before i ran out to the grocery store..but when i got back riley and harris came running out and gave me one of the monkey ones..it completely rocked and they were so excited and thrilled that i had one and insisted on setting up all the online stuff for me which riley would not rest about until i gave him all the information to sign me up for it...and he did hence why snikkers is spelled the way it is ..but its a really cute site and the webkinz really are hard to find and its like 10 or more dollars a toy and you can only get into the website if you have one of the toys because they each come with codes..you get the adoption papers and everything online after you sign up and you have to take care of your new pet and everything..its rather fun and ive been needing a new place to play online anyway..so now snikkers has the front seat in the car like my other bear did when i got him...im not sure yet if im going to keep her in my car but for now she is just going everywhere im going ...but shes cute

right now im supposed to be finishing summaries for work and getting them in..i hate doing them and there such a pain to get done but it has to be finished and emailed intoday and so i have to get it done and then i dont care...ill be done and ill get paid and that will be the end of it..and good grief something really did tell me not to mention to mommy that i needed sneakers or that i was even going out of town.now she keeps buying me new clothes that i dont need or ok i just dont need them and i have new sneakers and new flip flops and still she keeps buying stuff..i say i dont need it and she says i do..i could make a whole new wardrobe on the new stuff i have and i wont have anywhere to put it when i get back..my closet is already stuffed full of clothes and i keep getting more! i ahve clothes all over the place and i keep getting more! funny how veryone is quite ok with me moving back here for a while..i told riley and harris well kinda asked if they wanted me to come back and they were both thrilled at the idea ..but then i had harris and riley begging me to spend the night and i didnt and harris was once again close to crying to get me to stay and so i promised to stay until they went to bed and i did ..i told them i would come back today and i will later if they call..dee asked me not to come back until after they finished there homework because well they wont do it if im here and i know that so its fine..besides i hate helping them with there homework..so if they call ill come back..if not its no big deal and ill see them tomorrow ..although im sure riley will call tonight since i promised to let him show me all around the webkinz site..kinda weird being here and back with them and there feelings for me havent changed at all..i would bet money that if i had spent the night harris would have ended up in my bed before morning as usual..he was watching tv in my lap and riley had me for video games ..when they first got home harris wouldnt rest until i promised he would have my undivided attention for half an hour after he told me it wasnt fair riley had me for longer than him..when riley had only been home for like 10mins before harris came in..but from the semester to this is like a complete turn around..i was getting used to being told i was horrible and mean and a jerk for doing my job ..ive eeven gotten better at not taking it personally but it still kinda sucked alot ..and now im here and these two would rather i never left again! no idea how this happened...ok so maybe being here almost everyday for a good 5 or so years had something to do with it..hmm ok i have to finish my work and then im going home..

-

breathe me - sia ...ive decided i want this cd

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere else to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

yea im pretty sure ive lost my mind

im at home currently and the weather is miserable of course and like clockwork the great topics of discussion is my arms and my scars and gaining weight..its so funny and stupid and depressing all at the same time..yell at me if you like but can i please get some variety...its always the same old stuff and i know all the great conversations and i would to be dumb enough to ever sit down and make some poor innocent kid listen to a bunch of bs for an hour..so whatever..same argument same result..yea i still suck blah blah blah...but anyway im stuck here until saturday or sunday but thats no big deal i guess...but back to the thing that made me wonder if im crazy or not ... for some reason ive been really worried about going to grad school soon..well not like next semester but within the next year or year and a half...and with that thought of course came well i need to save if i do that because i already have a butt load of loans i have to pay back rather soon and im just sick of watching paychecks become nothing faster than i can get paid and i dont even do anything for the most part! it sucks ..so i want my masters and even though i know im not ready for grad school at all i wonder how much therapy it would take before i am..but then i thought about moving home for a few months and working in wilmington..i have refused whole hearted to ever move to wilmington and live..i refused to ever go back home and live long term because it just sucks to much and it would just be one argument after another...but then being as logical and sensible as i can moving home is the only way ill be able to s ave money and work without having to pay rent or bills minus car stuff..and i hate that..i hate that im even considering it..but i am..if i want to go back to ecu i will need a new apartment and that will mean extra money to get everything turned on and ugh more bills but then there are also loans and student aid that will kick back in with that...and i still hate that it makes so much sense...and i even mentioned getting another cat and that both of them would be in the house if i moved back and mommy was just like ok..im used to dusti and as long as the litter box is cleaned then ok..she also mentioned me and nia getting an apartment together if we went back to college at the same time because her school is less than an hour away from ecu...crud i hate being so smart sometimes...the whole thing really worries me right now and i know it will be a miserable few months just because i cant seem to be around mommy and keep my temper and im sorry but im sick of being told i have to go to work and help her do her job..i depise cleaning someone elses house...i dont even like cleaning at home but i can do it..darn me for ever picking up that one..hmm not that there was much of a choice in that part of things but whatever..i hate being told since im here then i have to go and taek nia to work and pick her up and run errands and then get yelled at about gas money and needing so much of it and ugh..so given i finish losing my mind and agree to move home it would be around christmas/new year that it would happen...

blah

so many different things going through my head..how can there be so many things to worry about in one day..there should be a law that says you arent allowed to worry about more than one thing at a time in any given hour sad.gif im driving myself up the wall worrying about so many different things..worrying endlessly about things i just dont know how to fix or why i should fix..i dont get anything and after you know the thrid conversation about money and lack there of i dont know what im supposed to be doing..given i should have realized im only getting one check this month because well we only worked for a week and then ill be starting again in a couple weeks but i wasnt thinking and i just let myself belive what i wanted to and didnt worry more when i should of and then i have mommy yelling at me and telling me not to spend anything extra nad not to go out or do any of the 'fun' stuff i usally waste money on ..well bloddy heck if i did anything but buy gas or food then i would stop but i havent done anything but watch billls eat upp my checks until the last trip and then we had our fun out of town and that was it.. and now im stuck going home and spending my time off working my butt off babysitting to make extra money to once again pay for bills...i had just gotten around to being comfortable with the idea of going back to therapy and it only took 4 or 5 months and i had been planning on figuring out all of that in the time i had off but i cant because im going home..and then going somewhere else and then going back to work and theres no time with the summer schedule...being off once a week just doesnt cut it for doing anything in the real world and now im stuck again and stuck waiting until there is more time to go back and i dont want to go but its becoming a pain in the butt having my head just fill up with so many thoughts and dreams and everything and not having anyone to talk to about it..writing helps but it only goes so far and im still to scared about telling anyone i work with about the cutting/purging/depression whatever..i show up to work happy or sad..hurting or not so it shouldnt matter what it takes to get me there..so whatever..ive waited this long whats the point of rushing now...ill wait and maybe ill finish signing up for health insurance and see what is covered under that therapy wise..maybe ill actually be able to save up enough to afford therapy...blah.. stupid stuff as usual

hmm im tired..im ready to go to bed and ive only finished one of my summaries and i have one and a half to go since i told jim i would start on one of his if he did all the dailies..so i have to do that but im worn out completely right now..havent even done anything and i feel like ive been moving for forever..and i havent done much of anything but binge the heck out of my days...hmm not writing here anymore tonight..majorly sidetracked and thinking of a million other things...

society sucks and youtube is not the coolest place anymore..ugh there are videos about everything and of course im dumb enough to watch all the ones that just end up making me nervous ..blah

im not in a good mood at all right now..and havent been for a while today..havent been feeling good at all today and i cant seem to get rid of the headache ive had since earlier..i wanted to take a nap and couldnt because mommy had me doing stuff..im annoyed that the pay dates and changing and it sucks that i cant do anything about it and i was counting on the money i was getting and yea im still getting it i guess but its all weird now..so yesterday i just magically have a check for like a week of work that i wasnt expecting but now i have to wait a whole two weeks before im even paid again..mommy is telling me i need to come home next week to bring some of henrys stuff..but i told her ill be out of town on the 13th i think and so i cant stay and she is juts dead set on me going there to do what she wants me to do but still trying ot make sure im back in time to leave to go somewhere else..i asked about babysitting and she said no because it would be to much traveling...im covered in bug bites im scratched into submission and so yea my legs and arms are looking a bit worse for wear right now and i know mommy will be so so mad at me..its to hot for long sleeve shirts and im trying to be ok with all of it and im not...really hating myself right now i guess..watched talk shows and its like how stupid is it to teach kids to hate and be racist and all this stuff..it was shocking and it was weird watching the parents who swear up and down they dont know where there kids are picking up these ideas and thoughts from..some were just general sterotypes that ive heard all over the place..some were just holy cow did that just come from a 9 yr old?! i dont get it..the world sucks...everything sucks..im disappointed jim isnt coming over the watch tv with me...stupid i guess...no need to look forward to things right...i give up im just going to bed

keywest...trip...and lots of other stuff..lots!

Wow there is really so much to talk about and I have no idea where in the world to start anymore… we are back from the last trip of the semester and it rocked so much..i had so much fun and kinda became introduced into a whole nother world I really didn’t take much notice of…but I also want to write because I don’t want to forget anything that happened…im so worried ill just wake up one day and wont be able to remember any of it…so I guess ill start off with the basics of the trip..the trip was actually pretty good overall..there were blowups as usual and one of the boys was caught trying to sneak into the girls bathroom and he is just in a lot of trouble lately because of his obsession…he isnt taking the help we are offering him and instead he is just falling farther into heading to jail because of it and its hard watching him because I know how hard it is to be forced into agreeing to give up something and in a way that is what we are doing with him..we are offering help but the message is still the same..you need to stop, you need to ask for help..i had a talk with him one night about how the decision has to be his and he cant just say what we want to hear and that being forced does nothing to help the real problem…he blew me off as usual but I told him..so anyway we started off in the everglades and it was really cool driving through the first time..its like a huge swamp and holy cow it is hot in fla right now..in the 80s everyday and sunny without a cloud in the sky…we camped out as usual and went hiking to look for flamingos..it was a long and drawn out hike in a way but it was really only about 5 miles and we got to hike through like 6 inches of water for a good part of the trail..when we first started it was just like ok stay in the grass and don’t walk in the water but then we got to a part where you had no choice but to walk right down the middle of the trail and that meant walking through the water and oh my gosh it was so gross lol..me still being the person who tries hard to not get completely dirty had some issues with hiking through water that high and of course im freaked because we are in the everglades and I had no idea what might be in the water sleeping/living/hiding…but I did it and after a while it wasn’t so bad anymore ..it was more fun than not because I was stomping through the water and it actually felt fairly good because the water was cool and it was so hot..then we run into the mud that’s not really mud and its so slippery ..i slipped and slide down the trail for a couple miles but it felt like forever..my shoes just did not that part at all and I was going so very slow because I was afraid of falling down and I ended up in the back with andy and we were going slow and falling behind more a lot and when we got to the end of the trail it was like we walked right into the sucking mud and andy doesn’t even weigh 90 pds shes so small but not eating disorder small shes just small..and she just walked right into the middle of it and I was following her but a bit slower and she just went down and couldn’t get back out..i was closer to the edge and was getting stuck but not as bad as she was..she fell and then I fell and almost lost my shoe to trying to pull my legs out of the muck and of course we are both screaming for jim to come back and help..i fished andys shoe out of the mud and when jim and the others came they of course laughed and took pictures of andys little problem! Given it was incredibly funny and we were all so dirty by then! But of course we saw no flamingos  and I really wanted to see one close up! But we did see a baby rattlesnake..almost walked on it..we saw tons of different types of birds and lizards, and we saw a turtle on the trail…and it was rather cool…we stayed in the everglades for a couple days and then left to go to the keys..oh my gosh I want to go back to the keys so so so much..i keep thinking about everything that happened and I know without being and working here I never would have even considered going to the keys for a vacation at all..it was so pretty out there..water and water and beaches and bridges…its like seeing different shades of blue in every direction because of the water…at my favorite campsite we camped on the beach literally we were on the beach..it was walk around the gate behind the campsite and there is the water!! It was the prettiest place I have ever been in my life..waking up and just stepping out of the tent and seeing the sun rising over the water is breathtaking..the water sparkles and it was so pretty and relaxing…I missed that place once we left to go to a different campsite…being away from the beach made me feel incredibly claustraphobic for the end of the trip..i just kept wanting to see water and I couldn’t anymore..jon completely spoiled us with the beach site..i could have stayed there for the full two weeks with no complaints at all and we couldn’t…but at the beach campsite I was first introduced to key west..talk about naïve on my part! Holy cow my age really came through and it was funny kinda be cause yes im old enough to drink and really that is what you do in key west but we went barhopping all afternoon the first day we were there…happy hour is until like 8 at night and its always happy hour somewhere..the people we met were so nice and always asked where we were from and why we were in key west.. and it was always funny watching the expressions when we are like oh this is a work trip but we are off today lol! So the first afternoon in key west jim took me to the gay community center ..we found it accidentally but they had internet so I couldn’t complain and I was on my best behavior :P I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary for me and paid attention to what jim was asking since we were asking for a good place to have lunch..and when we left jim told me I had done a good job controlling myself while they were talking about the food..and I was trying hard not to make faces at the menus we were shown…suddenly on this trip my food issues become more known than ever before…jim told me I could have worked his program over the summer if I didn’t have so many food problems..and for him my problems is just I wont eat a lot of stuff and nothing about not eating or throwing up..but suddenly I was just pushed into im sorry I don’t know why im so afraid of trying things Im positive I don’t like ..but I wouldn’t be a good role model at all when we will get kids who are like me and wont eat a lot of stuff..i don’t need to be in that program doing that when we are trying to teach the kids to try new things…and it hurts knowing that once again my food problems is getting the way and as much as I hate admitting it I have too…but anyway …we found happy hour and just drank and drank and drank..and like 5 margaritas later im drunk and we have found anna and she starts drinking too and so the three of us are just sitting in the bar talking and laughing and drinking..the bill is huge but it was cool..we left there and walked around a little but and ended up in another bar and drank some more…that day I did lose count of what I had but I wasn’t sick..anna got sick and passed out in my car…but me and jim went back to the bars and I was seriously holding on to keep from falling over! While anna was still functioning we counted steps to get to dunkin donuts like seriously walking down the street counting steps out loud! We ended up in an outside garden type bar and drank and met some people ..gay guys since we were in the gay bar…I met my first drag queen that night ..she was getting dressed and I was walking by her and just barely got that she was a drag queen but I said hi and walked on ..later that night I went to one drag show and then we walked around and I went to another one and saw the same drag queen again..by now im like beyond drunk and it was like hey I know you I saw you earlier and she said hi to me and that she recongized me…and we went home at some point after the show was over….the next day off we went back to key west again and ended up in the same bars again except this time I was actually looking for the same drag queen I met yesterday and it was early in the afternoon and of course we started drinking again..stupid happy hours! But we ended up back in the same bars again and just talking and wandering around ..we saw some of the same people and talked with them at the bar for a while..and we even had the same bartender again at the poolside bar and he of course remembered us..seriously sometimes it does look like jim and me are a couple or something and good grief we can get some looks when we are out together! But anyway the bartender remembered us and started feeding me ice like every chance he got! Thanks to jim forever asking for cups of ice for me the day before because I refused to drink water I would only eat the ice …and I have no idea the names of many drinks and so I kept asking him to just make me something blue which he did without to many problems…jim was getting hit on big time by some guy and I was there but not there at the same time because I was the girl in the gay bar and not that it mattered much but I wasn’t even bothered by it that much because I didn’t assume I would be hit on at all…and given I did kiss a couple guys they were gay..ive never been called cute so many times in my life! The drag queens got into the habit of calling me honey and grabbing my boobs but that comes later, even some of the gay men I met called me honey in the bar and asking if I was ok because one night I swear I was going to fall asleep in the chair….so anyway im drunk again and the bartender completely pours ice down my shirt twice and I poured ice down his pants…jim jumped into the pool completely naked and then him and another guy pushed me into the pool completely dressed and I walked around the bar dripping wet for the rest of the night…and before we left that night we ran into the drag queens from the other night and jim of course mentioned I wanted pictures with them and I did but I would have never asked! Instead I begged him to find them for me  so they took pictures with me and ivana (the coolest name ever lol) who was quickly becoming my favorite completely grabbed my boobs before I even realized she had and of course jim got a picture…after that we left and they were all saying that the drag queen had so gotten to second base with me and I was shocked but it was still fun…ok next two times off in key west it was just me and jim …drinking and hanging out in bars and shopping and walking around looking at things…but we eventually ended up in the same bars with the same crowds…everyday I think I was drunk before 5 and then the rest of the night just flew by…the drag queens were started to recognize me…I went to the drag shows and the guy hitting on jim showed up a couple new bars and kept telling me jim was hot and cute and it was like ewww gross …but I kept going to the drag shows and I was completely captivated to put it simply..i couldn’t figure it out and then of course jealously set in for how unfair it was that guys could dress up as girls and be so freaking hot and have great bodies….but whatever I kept going to just watch and listen to the songs…jim kept an eye on me but still went off and did his own thing too when he wanted too..he said stay put and I stayed put lol..im so childish drunk and seriously work on simple commands like stop or no…I did it big time with yvonne the few times I was drunk at home with her…so I found out through jim that there was a part of the gay bars that girls were not allowed in and he said he was on the bar naked serving drinks and stuff…I would never have guessed and being there would have embarrased me horribly but jim really did work hard to protect me from the big deal stuff…he wouldn’t leave me without knowing I was ok..the night he stayed in town with someone he met he introduced me to him and we talked and had drinks and jim asked a million times if I was ok and that he wouldn’t leave me to go home if I wasn’t…I wasn’t great and still a bit drunk but I told him I was ok and that he could stay and I meant that at least because I would have felt so so guilty if jim had come back to the campsite with me when he was offered a place to stay with the guy he had met…so I made it home and it was such a long drive and oh so boring! But before I left I was just sitting in the bar and watching the bartender and they kept asking if I was ok and some of the bartenders asked if he knew me and I couldn’t place his face at all..come to find out it was the drag queen I was so in love with..am in love with…but he gave me a free drink and of course by then I was ordering long island ice teas after I remembered they were almost completely alcohol! By then I was sick to death of margaritas and learning some new drinks…I actually tried a yager bomb..it’s a shot..vodka and redbull…kinda sweet but drinkable…and that night jim made it a point to start pushing me on stage to give tips to the drag queens and with giving tips you have to go on stage and stick it in there clothes..i didn’t resist much but I did some and it was just like holy cow im putting money in a drag queens bra!! And I did it at least 5 times before the night was over..inbetween shows jim told one of the drag queens me name and that it was my first time here and that I was a virgin and I freaked and ran around the bar and the drag queen chased me around the bar until I gave in and went up on stage to take pictures ..after that night more than the other nights the other drag queens started talking to me out of drag…I learned what all of them looked like and they all knew me..and I was sitting in the bar after the second show just waiting for jim I sucked up the courage to ask my fav drag queen to wear her wig and she let me! It was long and curly and brown and I was so proud of myself for asking and completely loved the wig and hung out in the bar for a while waiting for jim…downstairs in the other part of the bar I was drinking water trying hard to sober up before going home and one of the other drag queens asked about the wig and we traded wigs for a while .. and gosh the one she wore was incredibly heavy! But it was still cool..welp after that a while later jim showed up and he was with another guy and we ended up going back to the guys house…I slept on the couch and loved getting to watch tv..he had a cat and I just fell asleep..i was tucked in by jims date and he told me I was cute and that jim was a really good friend because he said jim had told him again and again that he couldn’t leave me..so they came back and got me even though jim was drunk out of his mind he remembered me..he remembered to come and get me …the house was really nice and the guy was really nice also..he was sweet and completely undemanding towards me…the next day we were still in key west and I was feeling completely sick from drinking so much the night before..jim made me eat food and once again I ordered a meal I couldn’t finish..jim ate most of my food again..he has been doing that a lot lately …so we hung out in key west for the last night of our trip…drinking once again and shopping…lots of drinking…that night I had every intention of getting drunk as quick as possible and I was..i was almost sick drunk…but I handled it for a while..eventually I got around to making myself throw up alcohol and stopped drinking but I was so drunk by 10 it was kinda useless..throwing up helped but it was really gross…so I went to another drag show and before it started we took pictures downstairs and jim got more pictures of drag queens grabbing my boobs…and kissing my cheeks and forehead…it still shocked me but it was more than that too because the drag queen I liked would come off the stage during the shows and somehow she zeroed in on me and grabbed my boobs more often than I could count! And I was starting to like it..maybe be cause I wasn’t so scared anymore maybe I was just to drunk to care but either way I didn’t want it to stop..of course after that I was confused because it was a drag queen that was touching me but she was still a guy underneath..gay but still a guy and I was worried because maybe I was liking it more than I should have..i still think about all of and miss it so so much..but anyway back to the other stuff…hmm I knocked over tables that night..i wasn’t even drinking anymore..still drunk but not horribly anymore and I completely fell it was so embarrasing and the bartender and one of the drag queens that knew me came over and helped me..i said sorry so many times and the bartender knew I wasn’t drinking! It was such a weird minute when I fell..they told me later that night that the carpet is really easy to trip over and its just weird because I have no idea how it happened..but I was fine and not hurt or anything at all..so after that I stayed put in a chair until the end of the show and I was ok…after the show I asked ivana for another one of her wigs and she said she would see me downstairs…I left to go and get something to eat because I really was drinking on an practically empty stomach…so I went and ate leftovers and somehow missed jim coming to look for me..so I went back to the bar and just kinda watched people coming and going and its after midnight and I just kinda find ivana again and practically stare at her without saying anything..after I had been there for a good while I started playing the computer games with some of the drag queens and a couple other random people and it was fun and kept me busy because I was still waiting for jim and didn’t know he had already come looking for me…and by now I had mardi gras type beads ..tons of them and everyone kept asking what I had done to get so many..and I know that for the beads you have to like flash people and whatnot to get them..but I didn’t and one of the drag queens had just given them all to me! but and then I was just hanging around trying to get sober and actually half drinking water and minding my own business and this lady asks about my beads and we start talking..i find out that she just got married like 4 days ago and she was from Colorado and I met her husband too and I told them about why we were there and holy cow they were like embarrassing but in a good way because they kept saying what I good and nice person I am for working with the kids and how I was beautiful and had good karma and that they were so happy to meet me and they just kept going on and on and on and I tried really hard to just say thanks and everything without adding anything to it. And then I was talking to her husband about being in the gay bars and it being my first time and meeting the drag queens and we actually had a pretty good convo..he asked how I was handling it and why it didn’t bother me..and I just told him I would hate to be judged for things I did so it would be pretty stupid to turn around and judge someone else for something they like doing …besides they are comfortable why should I be bothered?! So we talked for a bit and they met a couple of the drag queens before they left and its like oh 3 in the morning or so and jim reappears and he told me he had fallen asleep in a different bar because he had been looking for me and couldn’t find me…and we were just sitting in the bar talking and I asked if he was ready to go and he said whenever I was and I was just sitting there completely staring at ivana once again and wanting her wig or one of them..and I thought about it f or a good while and I went and hugged her and told her we were leaving the next day and wouldn’t be back for a few months…and I little while after that I just turned back around and asked if I could have one of her wigs…seriously I was thinking she would just say no and leave it at that but she thought about it and then got up and told me to come with her..she took me into the bathroom and just pulled off both of her wigs and started fixing one of them and im standing there awestruck out of my mind watching her…and she just comes over and starts putting one on me and shes telling me that she does appreciate that ive been there like almost everynight and was nice and that she knew it was my first time ..and I was just thrilled and completely happy ..and not even bothered that she has me in the bathroom in a bar and is just fixing my hair…she tells me to stay put and goes and gets porsche to come and fix my bangs …and they both tell me it looks really nice on me and im hanging out of the door telling jim to come here and see..of course now jim loves telling everyone I was in the bathroom with two drag queens! ..and when they are done im walking around the bar and ivana is showing me how to handle the hair and im constantly looking in the mirror..and I make three bucks which she put down my shirt dancing and whatnot around the bar…when I can finally control myself again she asks when we are coming back and I say she wont even remember me if I did and she tells me that she will if I wear the wig..she gave me her email and myspace stuff and told me to keep in touch and that she wanted a postcard from me..and thinking about all of it now makes me really sad…hmm we didn’t get home until like 6 ish and we were heading home that day..i just took a shower and tried not to stop moving because I would fall asleep…on the drive that day I was so hungover but still a bit drunk too because I wasn’t able to sleep it off considering I was up all night..it was still in my system and then me being the bright one I am wasn’t eating because I didn’t feel good and that made it worse..and the whole day when I wasn’t trying to sleep or trying to not throw up I missed key west…it hurt missing them all so much..all I wanted to do was go back and keep hanging out and maybe not drink so much…it was like a weeks worth of partying while we were there…and I wanted it back so much..i wanted to stay but I couldn’t live there..the hurricanes would scare me to much..all the water and no really safe place to go would drive me up the wall and I wouldn’t be able to handle it at all..but I considered it..i wanted to stay and it was miserable missing them so much…I kept thinking how weird it was that someone I barely knew could get stuck in my head and refuse to get out..even now almost 5 days later I still miss her..i miss all of them..i miss being able to spend my day doing nothing but drinking and talking…people I don’t know who just liked me and let me do things ive never ever done before…and then theres jim who still takes care of me even when he is drunk out of his head…once again how do I end up having people who will take c are of me now and not as a kid…how come it has to be now when I have such a hard time accepting it and swearing up and down I don’t deserve it…my favorite quote I saw while in keywest –if your drinking to forget, please pay in advance- I thought it was fitting in a huge way and I really thought I was the only one who would drink to forget…but if I saw that in a bar then im not the only one…but I did..i drank until I stopped thinking about everything that made me worry..i drank until I stopped caring what I did or what would happen..and one day I really really wanted to get drunk and couldn’t get past the just happy feeling for a while and it upset me..i was ready to cry because I couldn’t get the completely gone feeling I wanted and I just kept drinking and drinking and I knew what I was doing and I knew what I was trying to get and I don’t understand why it made me so mad when I couldn’t have it…given I have made up for months of not drinking, not partying and not going out in 5 days….and im not upset about it at all because it was too much fun and I remember all of it for now…I don’t forget or pass out when I drink but it also doesn’t take much to get me drunk…4ish margaritas and im done..if we had stopped after that many I prolly would have just stayed tipsy but like 7 or 8 drinks later I can barely walk down the street and even then I was holding on to jim or anna to keep from falling over the first day…id say long island ice teas are my favorite drink considering they are just flat out alcohol and I keep forgetting that…oh and I called yvonne and nia bunches of times while drunk..but I always call yvonne when im drunk for some reason..and I just called nia to talk about nothing and I called taly who I havent talked to in forever…no idea why I like making calls drunk…it did suck that we didn’t get to see sheena or tim or rachel while we were near miami and we didn’t get to go because plans just kept having to change…so next time we will have to plan it in advance so we really can go….jumping subjects a bit…I worked the day we took the kids on the glass bottom boat tour and I was so excited..i looked forward to it for the whole trip..i really wanted to see the fish and coral and we went out to the ocean and stopped above a coral reef and I thought I would be fine..i didn’t think or even consider that I would get seasick…but once the boat started moving I started to feel sick..when we sped up I felt worse…and when he were stopping and the boat just kept going up and down and up and down I thought I was going to throw up…I stayed outside for almost the entire trip and missed the whole thing because I was standing outside holding on to the railing for my life because I was afraid of falling off or being sick in the middle of the ocean…ive never been so miserable and all I wanted was for the trip to be over and done with and it took forever…I never ever ever want to do that again..i don’t want to be on a boat at all I don’t want to look at boats..i didn’t know that once your seasick you will always get seasick ..its been a couple years since we took the last cruise and I was sick..and now I don’t think I can be on a moving boat without getting/feeling sick  but overall I think the kids had a really good time..they went on a canoe trip and snorkeling and fishing and swimming bunches of times in the ocean..they even went to keywest a couple times and they saw jim, anna, and me once when we were completely drunk but we behaved when we were around then although everything was a lot funnier than normal…I think we were very good about keeping the time in key west separate from work minus the hungover days lol..i showed up when I was supposed to and so did jim except once and that was a huge mix up..but we showed up…hmm the other thing ive somehow decided in the past few days while we were gone is that its time for me to go back to therapy..if nothing else its because im confused about everything lately…being with all the drag queens and liking them so much threw me and now im more confused because if it counts that they were girls then im a lesbian and if it doesn’t then I don’t know because the guys were gay and therefore not interested in me…prolly why I was so comfortable with them….the night I played with the bartender and kept stealing his ice because I was standing right where he was making all the drink orders and he would make cups of ice and leave to do something else and so I kept taking the cups and hiding them..he would come back and look at me like ok where did they go…but he went with it and let me play and keep the cups…I was the notorious ice eater they all knew it and I hated that jim knew enough to make sure that even if I kept drinking I would get around to eating the cups of ice he kept asking for…it was so annoying though when he tried to stop me from drinking and told the bartenders I only wanted ice..given I really did want the ice but I didn’t want it to be a huge deal or anything…ok back to the other thing though…I did take my journal one of them anyway on the trip and I think I did a fairly decent job writing in it and keeping track of our adventures…but that doesn’t really help anymore…if I don’t talk I think my head will explode…writing gives me a break but im not figuring out anything ..and on the trip I had my razors but didn’t use them even though I wanted to..i wanted to throw up food on more than one occasion but didn’t…I wasn’t eating and then drinking on an empty stomach…I did make myself throw up alcohol but that was because I was really close to being sick anyway and I just helped it a bit…but it was on purpose all the same…and I have a million bug bites that I have scratched and scratched until my arms and legs are covered in new scars…im going home next week and im covered in scars..mommy is going to be pissed..mommy wont leave me alone about it and ill just turn around and keep scratching…my arms look horrible..more horrible than usual and im worried ill be in trouble…so much for being an adult right…I told jim mommy was going to kill me for my arms and now when he sees me scratching he tells me to stop and that im going home…more often that not I have at least 4 or more bleeding at anytime during the day…nervous picking again…I scratch now because I know most of them are scars and scratching makes them bleed…but im not cutting…it wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that I have a goal with scratching…im not scared anymore about therapy..i almost want to go but im not I want to talk about cutting at all or purging for that matter..oh and one of the days we were in key west I wore a shirt..i love the shirt and I love how its made but the cut is all wrong for my scars…it pulls up on the arms and its not like the sleeves are long anyway but given enough time they go up enough so that my scars are visible…I was with jim that day and I was constantly pulling at my sleeves but he never said anything about them..he didn’t ask I would almost believe he didn’t except that would be stupid because I know he did..he was just nice enough to not ask how I got them…no one has asked how I got the ones on my longer arm..my wrist is still a bit scarred and its been seen but still no one asks..its like I can believe they aren’t there…im safe but that’s stupid to think that because I know they are noticed but no one asks..no one ever asks  so anyway it was a great trip..and I cant wait until we go back! Things are really back to usual at camp..the kids are back to the same old usual behviors and being brats ..we had a cake/whipped cream fight one night and it was so much fun..they got me good and it was all jims fault but I really don’t mind being dirty at the oddest times…im a good sport and its not a big deal lol..even adam had fun and kept stealing the whipped cream off of me and putting it back on me in a new spot..i got him a couple times with handprints of whipped cream on his face..i will miss him..i will miss some of them when they go home..i will miss all of them…it was really hard yesterday missing graham so much…I was looking at old pictures of him and even with all of his faults graham was a lot of fun…when he was ok he was fun..ill never forget the day it was just me, hiim and jim and we went to dinner and to the store..and how we played video games at the laundrymat and went to the pet store and played with the animals…it was such a fun day..and I hope that he is doing well in his other program I really do..i want him to come back but not until he can handle it..i cant handle him like he was again..its to stressful and tiring..still I do miss him..the group is a lot different without him..all the random fun is gone..all the loudness and annoying stuff has lessened but now they are almost I don’t know just different. Oh well I think ive rambled enough!