tired

im not really a law and order person at all but i watched an episode tonigth and its was disturbing ...yep i know children are bought and sold everyday, they are kidnapped and forced to come to the great and wonderful us of a for a better life that they are promised and doesnt come true..i dont know for whatever promises of a better life people get caught up in way to many fall through the cracks and end up getting really hurt..i think it is really stupid that the gov says they are working so hard to make things better overseas but then they forget that there are still a million things that need to be worked on and made better here..makes them seem like hypocrites..nope i dont get it..

hmm finally got packing done for the most part..taking my car makes it so much easier to take way to much stuff...we are going camping and i have enough clothes for like 3 people and i still dont think i have enough for everything..i have way to much stuff but oh well most of it will prolly just stay in the car and at least i know nothing will get soaked if it rains..not to mention im walking around with one foot with blue toenails and one with purple..i was bored today and decided to paint my nails..cleaned up some..mostly just played the sims though..i need a new game for my gamecube..hmm ive decided im going to save for a ps2 it will only take forever and a day but oh well ..tired and kinda nervous about the trip..hoping it goes well

iinteresting

Your Life Path Number is 6

Your purpose in life is to help others You are very compassionate, and you offer comfort to those around you. It pains you to see other people hurting, and you do all in your power to help them. You take on responsibility, and don't mind personal sacrifice. You are the ultimate giver. In love, you offer warmth and protection to your partner. You often give too much of yourself, and you rarely put your own needs first. Emotions tend to rule your decisions too much, especially when it comes to love. And while taking care of people is great, make sure to give them room to grow on their own.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

feeling better

im feeling better about things today..more so in the past few hours..i didnt sleep well last night and just kept tossing and turning all night and dusti wasnt helping anything at all by wanting to play most of the night...this morning was just weird and i was awake and up but not really focusing on anything at all..finally went back to sleep and didnt get back up again until almost 4 in the afternoon..and then i felt better..its been kind of a gray day..it was raining this morning and now its storming a bit and making me nervous so i decided to just write and watch tv until i was a little more tired...watched tv and played the sims a little bit this evening..packed some for fla and even cleaned up my room which i havent done since i was unpacking and clothes were seriously all over the place..i can see the floor in the closet again and my bed is actually completely made..and neatly too! i almost thought i had forgotten how to make up my bed lol..i had been putting it off for forever it seems and since i have to pack and i didnt want to watch the movie i was watching i guessed it would be a great time to get it done..dusti kept me company ..nothing really planned for tomorrow except laundry and more packing and possibly running to the store but nothing to thrilling..and then its off to work for almost 3 full weeks before ill see dusti again..ill say two and a half though since i might be able to come back on sunday but maybe not so ill have to make sure she is fine before i leave on friday..and im worried but i know she will be ok..

it only took most of the day to kinda figure out what it is about all of what has gone on that bothers me the most..its just i feel like a failure for not being able to help him at all..no matter how many times i talked to him and told him exactly what was going on..we put up with everything he managed to pull and still let him back in the group and gave him more rules and guidelines and none of it worked.and now his only option is to go home where he cant be handled either and wont last long at all because he is always more than ready to blame something on his parents..he has said that his parents dont listen to him and he would rather be with us but he doesnt listen to us either..and i just dont know what else we could have done but there had to have been something..and even typing that bothers me because i alrady know he was given every chance possible and then some..it sucks..and i cant seem to stop feeling miserable..

miserable day... rant for once

yesterday sucked more than any other day ive had at work..we had three kids run away..they pretty much had a mutiny against staff and i guess thats putting it the nice way..they did everything possible to just drive us up the day and if nothing else they made sure and vented every feeling some of them had yesterday and it just turned into a them against us kinda thing..it wasnt fair at all and it was just tiring having almost all of them just throw everything we have done for them back at us and they dont care..they dont want to be here and they are just doing everything to make it miserable for everyone else and its not fair at all..three walked off yesterday before dinner..one came back within an hour on his own but the other two didnt turn up until almost 2 this morning..the cops were there..they were getting ready to do search parties to search in the woods behind the camp and then the kids were there and it was just im glad your ok but good god i just really want to yell at you both right now..so i spent the morning ignoring them completely..i had nothing at all to say to them because yes they knew better and they only did it to try and make a point as we were told a million times during theday yesterday..they are being completely ungrateful..we are gettaing ready to take them on a two week trip to fla..and they dont want to go, they dont care..they think we put to many restrictions on them when they cant even do the little stuff we ask on a daily basis!! and they say they have to many restrictions..what the heck..if they would listen and stop hearing just what they want to them maaybe it wouldnt be so bad but they tune us out and then when they cant do something its entirely our fault like we are out to get them or something..they say they dont have enough time to themselves when they dont use the time we give them! they choose to stay with the group, they dont ask to go on walk or to go off by themselves and its like dont bring it up now when you have never asked for it..dont try and us it against us when you know its a lie and isnt going to help you in anyway at all right now..it annoyed me so much that they just cant see what it is we are trying to do and they dont care, they dont want it and it does feel like we are wasting our time to make things better for them and all they can se is the negatives that care put in place more often than not because of there behaviors..its not on us atall but we are still the bad guys..i dont get it....i hate that jon can cancel school and dump the kids on us when these are the kids that need routine..the counselors cant take days off so why should they get days off..they have the weekends and they get to leave at 5 during the week but we are there 24 hours a day..there is no relief if anything happened and one of us had to leave because then someone from the other side would have to come and take over and its not fair to them...but school can get cancelled and the kids routine is screwed up and we have to deal with the aftermath ...all the major blowups have happened when they have had an unplanned day from school..and its not fair to us either when we need the time they are in school to get other things done..and then everyone is just on edge and fed up with being around the group all day without any real plans...how is it fair that its the counselors that have to deal with all the stupid little petty issues they can come up with, we have to deal with all the yelling and screaming and cursing and fights, we are called really bad things and still have to show up and deal with them because we dont get the option to just not do it..yes we only have to work 3 or 4 days at a time but it takes less than an hour of being with them to make us miserable and wornout when we havent done anything but maybe get them up in the morning..some of them cant get up without an argument or a fight and they dont listen and argue everything we ask them to do..and its us not the managers that are there dealing with them and so wehn things dont go well we keep being the bad ones because we are the ones telling them they cant do this or that..and it doesnt really matter if it was one of the management ppl that told us they couldnt do it in the first place..we are the ones actually telling them the bad news and so we just suck horribly..its so frustrating because we are really supported i guess by the ppl who should be helping out more..if the kids are supposed to be in school until 4:30 then make them sstay that long..dont let them out at 2:30 and say go up to the cabins..dont make promises to them without telling us first..and then dont makme promises that you have nothing to do with and then just assume we as staff are going to want to do it..how in the hell can you promise that they can have a campfire or go to the mall or movies without even taking the time to ask us first..then the kids us it against us and we cant do anything but either say ok or no and if it is a no then the world might as well just end now and we can forget doing anything at all productive..dont take kids aside and have one on ones without telling us what you have promised him..we cant go on his word but then no one but him knows what you told him..and then we cant get up with you and cant do anything but bring him along when he doessnt deserve to go anywhere...and dont blame us for what happens to graham when you know as well as we dothat he doesnt care..dont make it so that if he isnt happy then we are doing something wrong..that one i think hurts the most because it has suddenly become dont do anything to set graham off because the manager wants him to stay...he should have bene sent home already..we have asked that he be sent home or go to a different program and nothing has happened yet..he keeps getting in big trouble..three times the cops have been called for something he has done and he is still here..he makes the group miserable and still jon will not send him home..we are going to fla on monday and graham doesnt need to go..why when on every trip he has dont something unsafe on the bus..choking other students, farting on purpose and finding it funny, being rude and inappropriate and just stupid..freaking out when he cant get his way and we come back from the trips telling them what he does and they dont take it seriously enough..they give him chance aafter chance and its the counselors that are still stuck with him all day long..7 other kids but its graham that gets the most attention because nothing can happen if graham doesnt want it too..and i hate that it has come to that..i hate that its suddenly do everything to keep graham calm regardless of what the group needs..i sorry to see him have to go home because the kid does need help but we have done everything possible for him and he doesnt care..endless hours talking to him and watching him and having fun when he is in a good mood..but when he isnt in a good mood then no one can really let there gaurd down because anything can set him off..the group didnt want him back at one point and he was still put back in the group..he was supposed to go to stone mountain for a weekend and it didnt happen..he has already been to juvie and he brags about it..he doesnt know anything about the real world and if he keeps acting the way hes acting he will end up in jail and maybe he does need something like that for a wake up call but i would hate if anything happened to him...but we cant help him here and maybe at some point he will figure it out..but i dont know what will take for that to happen..when ive asked him about it he always says he wants to stay here because being here with us is better than him being at home..he can talk about how osme of his behaviors have changed and true some have but he is still the same old graham and he thinks the world was made to please him..his view is right and screw what anyone else thinks or wants..i dont want him to go home because he will just get in trouble but i dont really know where he will go after here..its sad thinking we are losing him and that we couldnt really get through to him..its like maybe we didnt try hard enough..maybe there was something else we could have tried..but i know we have tried everything possible with what we have..i will miss him..i know i will but i still hope he finds what he needs i guess..i worry about a lot of the kids in the program and i have no idea how they made it in there reg schools..i dont know how they handled it when i see how they act here and what they say and its like its no wonder you say you have no friends..its no wonder you are here..but they are only here for a little bit longer and then they will go home and some of them will go back to there reg schools..some of them are already being told they are coming back next session..and its weird i guess..for as much as they yell and scream and for one even say we are abusing him they want to come back..they will be back over the summer, they will be back next session..sometimes i dont get their thinking at all..

only with yvonne can we have a complete discussion on getting happy meal toys without the happy meals...i think the world would come to an end if people actually went and got the toys without the happy meal..theres no fun in that lol..so now im actually trying to halfway get ready for work tomorrow and im not thrilled at all to have to be up at like 3 in the morning to go to work..not thrilled we are going to hike up a mountain for an easter service either but oh well..get used to it i suppose...and yvonne is just waiting to see if shes been hired and then she will be spending the summer here in the world of talisman and all it's craziness..and someone else i know may be coming too...it does kinda suck nia wont be there but its ok too..will have to see how it happens..but im starting to really look forward to the summer..im over the semester for this session...its been long and tiring and im ready for the kids to go home..although ill miss some of them.some of them ill be more than happy to never see again...but still there is another two week trip..a full two weeks and im kinda looking forward to it ..kinda not..ive never been to the kkeys before sure id rather go without kids but oh well on that one.ive never been to the everglades either but i dont know which i would prefer to be off for..but back to cleaning up and stuff before i have to leave in the morning

ugh

im sick and feeling miserable right now

thinking..lots of stuff

sometimes i think that im perfectly fine, like there is nothing wrong with at all..when i can be at home without freaking out about some small thing..and when everything actually feels ok for the time being..and im left wondering if i really need help...i can go to work and go out and do this by and for myself..other people have bigger problems than i do and i freak out about all the stupid stuff...i need to get my act together...

still waiting for them to come and fix the sink..and i finally gave in and started cleaning up all the dishes and actually cooking dinner tonight...its taking forever cleaning things in the sinks but im managing ..just being really careful to catch all the water from the drains before it gets all over the floors and stuff..hoefully they come tomorrow before i have to go back to work..

i found out i can sign up for insurance and stuff and its just really confusing ..i dont knwo the first thing about insurance and mommy cant really help because she doesnt know what it means either and im just telling her stuff over the phone and cant really explain anything...i dont know how to do the retirement stuff either and i feel so stupid for not being able to do it and for not understanding any of it...im thinking of waiting until june to start them anyway or at least medical for now and i can add dental later on...i dont want to start the retirment stuff until sept hopefully after i get a raise or something...and i found out im going in a day late not that i mind since its been forever since ive had a saturday off..not that im doing anything but still its nice..

im not sure what to do about my car though and the fla trip...out of all of us my car is the best and i know it can make the trip and im not worried about anyone driving it because i do trust them..but i asked mommy what she thought about it and yes it was incredibly dumb on my part and i shouldnt have asked but she freaked out and started yelling at me and telling me how im the only one insured and blah blah blah..good grief all of them have had there licenses for years longer than i have and are prolly safer drivers than i am...but now im not so sure..my brakes are acting weird and i can here them when i stop and ill have to have everything checked and i do know all of that..but just mommy blowing up over it makes me nervous where as before i wasnt nervous..theres no point in having time off if we cant go anywhere without a car and we cant take the van from the kids when they are going places ..no point in going without another car and seriously mine is the best choice..but at thesame time i dont want to take it and have it messs up thanks to mommy now thats what im thinking about..ugh..so i dont know..i want to take my car i do..it will be better than being stuck..linda says aspen will pay for gas money to go and come but for just traveling in fla we have to pay for..i just hate being unable to decide..got paid today and it was more money than i was expecting..and i called and asked mommy if she put money in my account just to make sure i wasnt seeing things and she hadnt..so im not complaining but its just weird..ill have to ask linda about it the next time i see her...ive been thinking about what i want to do over the summer and im still having trouble picking which program i want to do but im getting awfully close to picking academics..i know it was the staff that made that one horrible last summer more than the kids did..and its just the schedule would be different for the academic kids and i would be in one cabin all summer since i hate moving back and forth and ill work with the same ppl all summer too..so it has its perks..but still hard too because the kids are there for a longer time frame and they do school during the day and they have abbreviated activities in the afternoons..so its just different but i think it would work out better for me to do that one if i dont do adults..talked to mommy this morning about when i was coming home and i told her i didnt knoww..nia wants me to come back and visit and if i had gas money i would but i cant handle that right now..i told her i would see ..and if i dont visit in may ill do it in august/sept..i know ill be home for a little while then because stephanies wedding is in sept..and i really do want to go to it..the date kinda sucks but ill manage..

as i sit here and rant and rave about americas next top model and a making fairly accurate guesses..its fun yelling at the tv even if i do spend most of my time bored out of my head while im off not really doing anything..sstarting to worry a lot about going to fla for two weeks very soon..still nervous about them coming to fix my sink..hopefully it will get done tomorrow and i have to go and ask again since i havent been here...dusti entertained herself by playing in the windows when i opened them today...when i got home this morning she was sitting in my bedroom window just looking at everything going on outside..and im bored with writing..weird

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tired..and thats about all...all i want to do is go to sleep for the next week and not move ever again...me and jim are kinda in a bit of touble right now because the kids ganged up on one of the boys and shaved his head...he had no complaints about it but boy was linda and jon mad as heck today when they found out and they just didnt let up on us at all..even if we werent there when it happened we should have been and it should have been stpped..but as it happened we werent there at all for the most part and its just the two of us isnt enough for eight kids..we need a third person..we are behind in paperwork and everyhting because there is just no time at all..and jon doesnt understand that we have no extra time at all...its work and keep up with the kids all day long and when they go to bed we go to bed..simple as that..some how he just thinks we have tons of free time during the day and shouldnt fall behind on anything and its like give me a break..you come and deal with them for a day or two and see how much energy you have left at the end of the day!! so its just annoying that we are validated in some ways..i work my butt off dealing with them and i guess sometimes its just not enough...we are talking about summer and what program i want to be in and how things are going to be set up next semester..weird how uch some of the kids already talk about coming back and its like good grief i never want to see you again and you are coming back! oh well..will figure it out as it happens...and i got more info on insurannce and stuff today and its so confusing..suddenly i know what areas of real life im lacking in horribly and filling out paperwork is seriously one of them...but i got enough of it to realize i cant do therapy under this insurance..not long term anyway and 3 sessions wouldnt do anything at all for me..so for now im still not making any decisions about anything at all..it still worries me and everything but i cant decide and until i save up there is really no point in stressing i guess..also got info on a 401 thingy and geez it is a bit depressing thinking about retiring and everything now...no idea how to fill those out either! im such a dork

Proud or not...

we are back from the backpacking trip...it was really hard coming in on the middle of the trip and just kinda being thrown inot all that was going on...they had already been there for two days before me and jim got out there and then the kids were just like why are you here? once we got past the yea it was shift change and the trip had to be moved and yes itreally sucks because we had to give up half a day off blah blah blah we got on with our day...it was about a mile maybe aa little more to get to the campsite they were at and i left before jim and zack because i knew i would have a hard time and i didnt want to hold them up because that really does make me feel guilty but i managed that part fairly fine..its wasnt a hard hike getting up to the campsite..i was completely surprised when we ran into sam and just like walked for a couple minutes and there they all were! jim of course told me i had done a good job and so did zzack...we left to go climbing and i knew we would have to hike to get to the rock but i realy had no idea how freaking hard it would be...saying its going uphill just doesnt even describe it at all.it was climbing over rocks and roots and going up hill..jim started off behind me but i made him go in front of me when i started slowing down...because i would just worry endlessly if he stayed behind me and i kinda dont really like when ppl know im having a hard time..i went back and forth between yelling at myself and just reminding myself that i could finish and it wasnt a big deal how long it took..and seriously wanting to yell at jon for having to change the trip and meending up backpacking when i kinda suck at it..so anyway jim and zack kinda didnt mention that we had to climb up a rock halfway through the hike in order to get to the second part of the trail...like literally tie a rope to a tree at the top and climb up it..given im not usually afraid of heights at all but this was done without harnesses and it was just like ok hold on and go up..as soon as i saw it i said i didnt want to do it..zack was at the bottom with me and the last of the kids who had yet to go up and i ended up being last becasue i really was scared and proceeded to tell him so..but i couldnt stay where i was and it was either go up or go up..so i climbed up the rock and when i got to the top jim told me he was proud of me and i didnt say anything since i was too mad at him for making me do it in the first place..but sitting up there and looking out the view was really really pretty...tree tops and mountains and tons of sky..i wish i could have gotten a picture of it...but i dont think ill be forgetting it anytime soon...so we fnish the hke and the last aprt of it was really climbing over rocks and roots and trees and it was miserable and becasue i get so nervous i was going incredibly slow and freaking out about slipping and falling down the mountain..but i made it to the top and helped all the kids climb the actual rock ..and they all did a realy really good job and so i was just kinda hanging out trying to not feel sick and keeping them all motivated to keep trying..most of them made it all the way to the top and they could see the top of looking glass from where they were..even the ones who didnt climb the day before climbed with us and it was cool..i didnt climb this time because i wasnt feeling good and i was tired and the bugs were killing me...but mostly i was just worn out and didnt want to do it..not a big deal wor anything since most of the kids went two or three times and had a good time doing it...we stayed all day and started the long trek down at around 3:30 in the afternoon after being up there all day..going down was just as hard as coming up but it didnt take as long...having to climb down the rock on the rope was enough to s care me into swearing not to move off the top of the rock at all.jim was at the top with me when i was yelling at zack to let me stay where i was..jim kept threatening to push me off if i didnt go on my own..so i had to do it..wasnt thrilled about it or anything but i guess thats what it comes down too..i had to do it whether i wanted to or not...even if i was scared enough to want to cry and not move at all i had to do it..jim kept me talking as i went down the first half and of course i was dumb enough to keep looking down the big rock..and going down was just weird because you have to walk backwards and i couldnt see where i was going and it was like ok im just going to fall and it will suck..but as i got closer to the bottom zack started talking to me and telling me i was doing fine and doing a good job...but i got to the bottom and we left and i of course got scared again going well sliding down all of the big rocks after that..and jim kept me company for some of it but eventually i let him go on ahead...it was an incredibly exhausting day..i hadnt realy slept much the night before and that might have been becasue i had to much alcohol in my blood and i was jut a little tipsy and automatically went to bed and the alcohol didnt have time to do anything so i spent most of the night awake trying to force myself to sleep..and i was nervous about camping out for real..and then hiking about 4 miles to go and come back was just tiring by its self..we came back today and the hike out wasnt hard but it was raining for most of the day and it was miserable ...i stayed behind with the kids who needed to walk a bit slower and we did fine by ourselves...they kept up with me and i made sure they stopped when they needed breaks and what not..but we finished the whole hike in really less than three hours..we stopped a couple times and really nice waterfalls and i think it would be really pretty to take that hike down in the summer or at least on a sunny day...parts of the trail today were really calming and just nice to look at..i had adam with me for a good while and he just kept talking and talking and talking..and i was half listening but not really becasue i was thinking about a million other things...i had one kid who just refused to hike with us and didnt stay with us at all but even that didnt screw up the hike because he caught up at every stop and he was ok hiking by his self..its been forever since ive been hiking and i really just kinda wasnt thinking about how hard it would be..i still enjoyed the quietness of it..that i dont think will change because that is nice and its a nice time to think when its such a mindless activity..but no matter how many times told me he was proud of me i wouldnt let up on being upset that i couldnt keep up yesterday...today wasnt so bad since my pace was fine for the kids who needed to go slower but yesterday it was just no matter how hard i tried i couldnt keep up..and i wasnt proud of anythingi did at all and couldnt really understand why jim kept telling me he was when i wasnt doing anything to deserve it...its confusing i guess..now we are back at camp and everyone is pretty quiet/wornout tonight..watching a movie up in the cabiin that i prolly need to back to helping with..and everytime i sit down and stop moving for a while and then get up again my body reminds me of how sore it is..walking is a pain in the butt right now im so so sore..all i want to do is sleep but i cant really get comfortable either..kinda sucks..but anyway i better get going back into the miserable weather