leaving

still going to fla tomorrow and nope im not packed..i dont want to pack and i dont want to be around anyone really right this minute..more so kids but still fun and not fun and just tiring right now..ill be glad when sam and addy are here and i can lessen up on the death watching and making sure no one is out of my sight..ive decided that after today and being ready to cry that i really do need to find a way to deal with stress and letting it out that doesnt include cutting...want to cut and could but havent..the whole working with kids and if they saw and blah blah blah..so hmm really gotta find something that works...like now..going home tonight might help and calm me down some i hope

ok

its offically started for me..job wise..ive only been where with jim for 3 days and already one kid has hiked down the mountain alone, one has been restrained, some have lost privledges so much i dont know what good things they have left to do at all, we have had a student added so that we actually have 8 now..overall the group is getting along but they are still picking on each other and picking the stupidest fights with each other...they are the most self centered kids ever and just can not seem to realize exactly why it is we have to do the things we do..ive considered why i took this job when the one kid who gets at me so easily bothers me so much that pushing him off the mountain is looking like a good idea..but then there is the kid in the group who is the lowest functioning and its like watching him get better and better every day..he does his chores and gets dressed and follows directions with a lot of help but he can do it..he has gone from being the most umm in his own world i guess to being able to sit still and listen to the group when he are in the circle. he goes to school and helps with the kitchen clean up now..its just seeing him the first day and seeing him now makes me wonder what it is we are doing thats working with some of them..its like watching them get more and more comfortable everyday. i can really see some of them changing and i know that a lot of the issues and prblems we have been having with them is just them trying to see what our limits are for this side of the staff..it really does feel like i spend all day telling them to stop doing something or to stop picking on someone or to follow directions..adn then randomly we can sit down and have a normal conversation and have fun for a few minuteswithout anyone going off or walking away...yesterday when the one kid walked all the way back to camp i was so scared..i was pasted the point of being scared when we couldnt find him at the top of the mountain and had to go back down..i was wondering what we needed to do..i was so upset with him for walking away and upset for us not noticing..i should have paid more attention to him once we got to the top and it was just really good getting back and seeing him in the cabin..jim got to him first and told him that he had hurt all of us by walking away and that he cant do that ...i was really surprised that the kid really did understand at least that he had worried and scared all of us when we couldnt find him..he apoligized to everyone..and its really hard being around him and not wanting to baby him because he needs so much help getting things done..he is in his own little world but he will follow directions he i keep it as simple as possible with him and just watching him be able to sweep the whole dining hall floor alone and be so intent on doing it makes me wonder how much he takes in during the day and what he understands..i have to be really careful with him because he is so touchy and needs contact a lot of the time..i still get a little leary of him being so near but its not as bad anymore..so i know although we talk about getting fired and leaving and all this stuff i never would..its too much fun..everyday is something different and good grief they work so hard at trying to get over on us and cant understand why it doesnt work...kinda funny at times...

on to other news...im going home tomorrow night in the middle of the night to just check on dusti and get my bigger coat because the weather is getting really crappy ..yesterday was just miserable and we hiked the full 3 miles in the rain..and oh i really hate walking right now my legs hurt so much..hmm not feeling good at al anyway and im just trying really hard not to take it out on anyone unjustly...so thats pushing my limits to the max...i guess im ok though with everything..just really tired..and wanting a real shower in a clean bathroom in a bathtub and not have to go to the swamp or the office..there ok but not like a real shower..so when i go home tomorrow ill just take a shower before coming back and we leave to go to fla...cant say im really looking forward to that trip just because im starting to learn the kids and its easy to see who will just walk off when frustrated and who wont..and its not like walking away at camp..walking away in fla will be a lot more trouble and stuff for everyone..maybe it will be easier with everyone going staff wise to just kinda see..still no snow just tons of rain and some ice but no snow...i think my next move 50 years down the line will be to the middle of nowhere and then maybe ill get snow!

bored

Top 100 Questions

1. NAME ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT ?
well my newest one…cut on my finger that I got a couple days ago trying to cut the annoying plastic ties off of my new pans ..and as I was doing I of course I told myself how stupid it was to cut and hold it so close..and even after moving my hands and changing how I was holding them I still ended up cutting my finger..and it was one of those I told you so moments but its getting better and not hurting anymore

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Well I have my penguin poster, my tiger poster, my newest orlando poster, my little cats poster, the drawing yvonne did for me, my graduation cap, and an old calendar…im redecorating!

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
It’s a flip phone, small and black and surprisingly still working considering ive dropped it numerous times in the past couple weeks..it has a red line across the front of it that blinks when ive missed something

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Everything…right now I have keith urban in my cd player, the lion king soundtrack and celtic lamenations are close though..and my mixed one that has snow patrol, saving jane, idina menzel, superchick, jojo, and dixie chicks

5. what is ur current desktop picture?
A tree lined pathway in the fall because the leaves are all orange… it’s a really peaceful picture

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
To be happy and okay with myself..i like to keep it simple but im starting to think those will be two of the hardest things to even begin to get

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Having someone to talk too..im fine moving and living alone since ive done it and its not like its changing any time soon..but its really lonely moving and not knowing anyone close by..i know ppl like 45 mins away but not like my neighbors or anything ..so its easy to start feeling completely alone really really fast

8. WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN?
No idea..its never come up

10 WHAT ENDED YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP?
Ive never been in a relationship

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Yea..i have nightlights all over the place…I try not to be alone in the dark to often because I can creep myself out really fast

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
No comment..i don’t cry

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
I don’t really use perfumes..i use body sprays and sweet temptation is still my all time favorite

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
I don’t know..depends on if I want my kids im never going to have to have cat eyes or not..darn dominate genes I don’t have..blue eyes are really pretty to look at and all but not for me..ill have to go with brown hair and brown eyes..im not much for standing out


15. DO YOU LIKE PAINKILLERS?
Viacodin became my best friend over the summer..does that count?

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Neither…ill take a diet coke

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
cheese

18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Hot fudge brownie Ice cream sundae…really not cool living across the street from an ice cream place…nope not cool at all

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU PISSED OFF?
mommy

20. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Considering ive taken so many…no

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU?
Ugh..im gonna go out on a limb and say toys of some sort but I really have no idea..

22. DO U LIKE SOMEONE?
no

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
nope

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Whatevers comfortable enough for me to pick up off the floor and put on

25. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR?
Mecedes benz convertible – a pretty purple color

27. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MARRIAGE?
Im fine with it as long as the ppl involved are positive it’s the right thing for them to do..all the same im not getting married so I don’t have to worry

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Define love and ill let you know

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
Being there and not giving up when things get hard..don’t sweat the small stuff

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED :
21

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Sure brunette

32. WHO IS THE ONE PERSON YOU CALL OFTEN?
No one..i don’t like talking on the phone..i talk the most with mommy but that’s not really a choice thing

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU?
Being ignored

34. HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE U.S.A ?
kinda stuck living here

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Not being able to say no

36. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT YOU RECEIVED THIS YEAR FOR CHRISTMAS?
Hiking boots

37. FIRST JOB?
Babysitting…job wth taxes..talisman

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
No not my thing..would feel way too guilty

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS?
Starting laundry..all gazillion loads of it

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I wouldn’t get it..ive seem ppl who had it because they had the money to spare..that’s too much pain for nothing at all..i was completely offended when I was asked if I would get it by someone who shouldn’t have asked..i said no then and I don’t plan on changing my answer..im not big on pain without a purpose..go figure

41. WHATS YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
Annie

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
nothing

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
Wouldn’t really matter..once its illegal everyone will have it anyway..and im not really a heavy drinker so not a big deal..

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Gift cards..movies and books of course

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
None…really weird too because I was positive at one point that I would have twins..two girls so that I would be sure my sister wouldn’t be forgotten…

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My grandmothers name is Annie Pearl..thankfully I only got the Annie part

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
Not often enough for it to count

48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
Umm pinkies I guess now that I have to think about it and feel weird staring at my fingers in the laundry room!

49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
Sometime between the 26th and the 30th…things got ..hmm things were just not good..and then I stopped..

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Its alright..i think its stupid

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Peanut butter and jelly ..duh

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
Too many to name..well theres ..never mind..jjust a lot..but ive stopped biting my nails!

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
So ive been told..my music selections are weird..

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
no

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
no

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Looks matter for all the wrong reasons. Kinda really not cool

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER?
Ways that id prefer to forget thanks..not many agree with my wonderful coping skills ive picked up

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
With riley and harris

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
No…it took over 3 years for someone to gain my trust..you tell me

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
I don’t know..i don’t really remember being a kid and playing with anything

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
43..i counted..44 if you count that my number is in there and I don’t know how it got there!

62. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
nope

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
Nope

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRl?
Im not really in the market for anyone..if I was looking I would have to look for understanding and openness, fun to be around and easy to talk too, good listener, non judgemental would be in there too..kinda picky I guess

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Nat, nattie

67.WHAT IS THE MOST PAIN YOU HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED?
Being pretty much forced into meeting with my teachers about stuff…you would have thought I was going to my last meal and wouldn’t make it out alive…those few days really sucked a lot..

68. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No I tie my sneakers just perfectly enough to be able to get them on and off without untying them

69.WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU SPILLED?
Kool aid kinda

71. WHAT'S THE LAST FURRY THING YOU TOUCHED?
Dusti

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS
purple

73. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BAND?
I don’t know..who ever I happen to like at the moment

74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
I don’t think they have grown in yet actually

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Not really..kinda long and kinda boring after a while but since im waiting for laundry what can I say

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOw?
The dryers spinning

77. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Cheese toast and eggs

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
mommy

79. WHATS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
smell

80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG?
Me and a gun …shocker

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE:
judgemental ppl

82. FAVORITE DRINK?
mudslide

83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN:
well I don’t even like my sign ..but then im a virgo and that one just kinda sucks

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
hockey

85.WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
brown

86. EYE COLOR?
brown

87. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?
Need some

88. SIBLINGS?
Wayne, henry, montrell, man, sissy, nia, conya, zenitha,
nicole
89. FAVORITE MONTH?
I don’t have one

90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
No insert gross face here

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
Xmen evolution season 3 I believe

92. Favorite Day of the Year?
When it’s a good day

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
yes

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
winter

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
neither

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
neither

97. WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS
no idea

98. WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
No idea..prolly just more fun to read what I wasted my time on

99. BIGGEST FEAR?
Being forgotten

100. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?
no

hmm

somehow im managed to get my computer to hook into the wireless networks that are floating around..and its really weird when i tried picking up the networks when i got here and it didnt work at all..but still i really do hate the random finding and hooking into the internet because the connections go in and out so much and its compeltely nerve wrecking..so im writing this now in hopes that i will reconnect and be able to post this and then i wont feel so disconnected maybe

i havent really been writing much at all lately..cant get online and havent really wanted to write in any of my other journals..did think about painting last night but didnt just went to sleep instead..i thnk i spent my first two real days off sleeping on and off for the better part of two days..but feeling more awake now and calmer in some ways..no real idea as to whats been going on since i cant remember whats ive talked about and what i havent..im not even sure what im thinking about saying at all..

moving..moving sucked so so so so much..mommy didnt like that i was going to be driving home alone in the middle of the night and proceeded to tell me my niece drove her car off a cliff..accident but it was snowing and she lost control..shes fine and made it back to school but it just annoyed me that she tells me this kknowing i ha ve to drive home ..i prayed it wouldnt rain or snow before i had to leave..and since it was a friday i had to work and then i had a dinner i had to go too..and then i left after me and erika got completely lost on the way back to camp..i did ask erika if he would go and i just asked to ask because i wasnt expecting her to say yes..i didnt want her to say yes..i like being by myself in the car for long drives because well its easier to talk to myself that way! but im more comforta ble driving alone anyway..sucked horribly when i was just starting and so tired and not wanting to drive..i wasnt paying attention well at all and was speeding horribly and it still took almost 6 and a half hours to get home..i think i stopped caring after a while and just drove..the second 2 and a half hours werent so bad since iw was more awake and not minding the drive so much..made it home...around 3:30 in the morning..woke up around 8:30 the next morning and starting packing all the stuff i had at mommys house..wayne and his friend were talked into helping and we went to my school apartment and spent oh 3 or so hours getting all my s tuff..that quickly turned into a rush to get it done and get everything out as fast as possible and it was really hard because a lot of it wasnt even packed in the first place..i was trying to pack and tell them what was mine and what wasnt and mommy kept getting annoyed because i wasnt going fast enough..and i didnt want her to help because of all the stuff i had all over the palce..i made sure and picked up the razors i had on the floor as soon as i got there but pulling other stuff out made me find more of them and i all the other stuff i had that needed to get put away in something that couldnt be opened..i drove with mommy and actually drove to greenville..mommy didnt like my driving and decided i had driven enough and should take a break less than an hour after we left my school apartment to head across the state..yea and for as bad as my driving supposedly is hers is worse..she freaking feel asleep and almost ran into the back of a car and still didnt let me drive..so whatever..i let dusti out of her crate in the car and she sat on my lap for little bits of time and walked all over the back of the car when she wasnt with me..she kept trying to climb in mommys lap while she was driving and i had to move her..but all the same we made it to sc and got all my stuff unloaded and unloading a truck goes much much quicker than loading one...mommy of course immediatly started putting stuff away and it got on my nerves really fast but i was way to tired to bother with it much since it was almost 12 and it had been a really really long day..they all spent the night and mommmy got my bed and dusti of course walks all over my bed..mommy didnt like that at all and she didnt like that dusti cried almost all night while everyone was trying to sleep..and i kept getting up to make sure she wasnt walking on the bed or getting on anyone and ended up not really sleeping at all..so moving is way at the top of my list of things to never do and never have to do in 24 hrs...went to work on sunday and got to move beds and clean the cabins and all the stuff i had no energy for we were stuck with doing..the cabins arent even finished..they have heat but its like half insulated and only one side and there arent really lights and all this stuff and the parents still left there kids there! we have 7 kids..6 boys, 1 girl..most of them are ok..some are not..first day and already we know who needs to be kept apart and who we have to watch and stuff..i started the campfire and that was fun..accidently threw my marshmellow into the fire and no idea how i managed to do that..but the camp fire itsself was really fun with all of the kids a nd staff there and we were just relaxing and having fun..took sticks from the kids cas i kept losing mine and wouldnt go and get my own so that was cool..but since ive been off for the past 3 days im kinda bored..and alone but more bored than anything..finsihed a harry potter book in less than 24 hrs..did get all my stuff pretty muhc unpacked and put away ..going to do laundry tomorrow some times and the then back to work on saturday and we leave for fla next week too..kinda ready to see how things have gone..all ready i worry about whats been going on and if they are all ok, even the kids who annoyed me horribly..guess thats just me..but my apartment is actually looking rather ok..still things i need but overall not bad..my closet is huge and still completely full of clothes! if i hadnt given away all the ones i did i wouldnt have had room for all of them..and all arent even hung up because oof what im taking back and forth to work in and stuff..tons of clothes..got a remote today for my tv and spent the day playing video games and watching movies..went to the store too..a few stores and discovered im across the street from an ice cream place..so i stopped and had ice cream today..its freezing outside and i stop for ice cream..mommy has been putting some money in my account and its like borrowing money from her comes at such a high price..i could sell my soul and get off easier..yea i need it and it helps but then i have to hear about how shes giving all her money to me and blah blah blah and that when i start getting paid ill have to give it back..and its like ok not cool considering it will take me a couple months to get everything squared away that i need too..so i dont know how any of that will work out..and all of it sucks really..its not even like ive gone and spent my money on stuff i didnt need..all of it has gone into apartment stuff and its all gone..things are kinda ok and kinda not at the same time..im ok enough to work just because i am but at the same time i can feel myself jhust getting sadder and sadder without being able to stop it..a lot of it prolly has to do with that i stopped writing oh for the past week or so when normally i can figure out something to write a million times a day..some of it i dont know..considered purging yesterday and didnt because that kinda scares me..walked around in shorts today and comtemplated where in the world im going to get a tattoo at and why i even what one when theres no where to put it..ive looked and relooked at all my scars and hate them..so it could all just boil down to the same old stuff i usually freak about..i should find something new to freak about just to give myself something to do..thought about cutting today after looking at my arms for the 50th million time tonight..watched some movies i shouldnt have bothered with knowing i wasnt in the greatest mood..and now im just waiting to get tired so i can go to bed..this is the latest ive been up in days and its kinda weird..prolly being on line has something to do with that..but after i write this and hope it goes through im going to bed anyway..kinda slowoly learning my way around sc..well the area i need to be around anyway..kinda know my way to and from asheville and hendersonville..so maybe im ok..the other thing im going back and forth on is the therapy issue and i havent decided what im going to do about it yet..or when or how or anything..i cant even get around deciding if i want to go or is it i just have to go..there is a difference in there somewhere..ive never wanted to go and if it was left up to me i wouldnt go back..and after i finish thinking that i realize how stupid it is and how i wouldnt get away with it for long..simply because i still want to cut and purge and die whatever..i had cut but im not suicidal..got close to purging but didnt..im not big on time frames or anything but its like schedule wise im kinda booked and then have huge spans of empty times..most of feb im not even working towards the end of feb and then in march it seems like im always working..because of the trips..job will be pretty much over before insurance kicks in and its like ok why bother at all..i could be perfectly fine with everything and never have to go back and im thinking i just like the idea of saying i never have to go back if i dont want too..and before i left arran i was almost positive i would immediatly go back to therapy..hmm ok maybe not immediatly but by the end of january i would have known what i was going to do..didnt realize at all that i would just let the idea of not having to go run wild and now cant decide what im going to do..since its just me doing it i want to say i can take my time amd go when im ready..but saying ill go when im ready could like 6 months down the line and then what? i have no idea what my mood will be like in 6 months ..i dont even know what ill be like tomorrow! so still thinking about it without really deciding anything at all..just thinking to think and worrying about not being able to decide..so once again nothing new at all..it wouldnt take much thought at all to figure me out..guess im done complaining for the night

made it

made it home at like 3:30 this morning..now im just trying to get all my stuff from here so we can go to greenville..going slower than i want but i cant help that...mommy will be riding with me and i told her i was goinjg to drive..but i dont know if ill last driving with her in the car..nervous all ready about it..just want to get done with today and its going to be a really long day..

interesting..or not

well besides being completely broke and well just completely broke things are alright in a weird off the wall way..ive just decided that it is really an interesting road i am on like i suddenly have this set goal for things i want to do and things i want to get done without a time frame..i wonder about the people who make the lists of things they want to do before they die..and i dont know because i dont have a list and if i had one i wouldnt know at all what i wanted to put on it or what i wanted to put in it ...nothing really i want to do until its right there looking at me and then i can decide what i want to do and if i can talk myself into it or out of it..like until over the summer i never would have thought i wanted to even try white water rafting but i did it and loved it..went hiking and didnt love it but i know i can do it..went rock climbing and got covered in paint more times that prolly safe..and overall it was a lot of fun..but then i really have to wonder if i would have ever decided to do any of them had i not been at camp..i dont know what i want to do and i keep thinking about it like some ideas will come to me and i will figure out what it is i have to do or what it is im supposed to do..went as planned to greenville today because i cant stay on a topic for long..went and signed the lease and everything for my apartment..its offical and it really sucks that i ended up with a different one than they orginally started off telling me i had because ive been writing mail with that address on it and then i find out ok im not getting that apartment and if someone like actually answers to that address how in the world will it get to me if i cant check it there? so no idea how that will work out and if no one lives in that apartment then ill never like get the letters at all..although because of time frames i guess no one will mail me at that one before i tell them it has changed..i just hate being told one thing and then finding out when i get there that its not like that and its not how its going to be at all..had to pay more than i was planning on too and that sucked..and now on top of everything i have to go home tomorrow night and mommy is not happy about that at all..first i get yelled at for trying to drive home in the middle of the night after working all day and then going to a dinner party..because ill have to drive tomorrow a lot and then a lot on saturday..and there isnt a really good way to just work it out other wise..i knew before hand i would be driving alot and not sleeping alot becaus this has to get done and there is no way around it at all..but she tells me i shouldnt drive alone and htat someone should go with me and i just start worrying more about everything..im not that confident with my driving as it is and then she come along and just tells me i pretty much suck and dont know what im doing and i dont need to drive at night alone..ive been driving here fine..ran a few red lights but overall fine..and i cant get comfortable at all because illjust go home and get stuck inthe car with her and completely screw up and just become like the worse driver on the face of the earth..so all of it sucks and not to mention i didnt pay the deposit for dusti because i couldnt and now i really have no idea what to do about her..mommy said pretty much that she cant keep her..and its like ok fine where can i put her? no idea what to do about her yet..im not liking the real world much right now at all..all of it is about money that i dont have at all and it sucks because i cant do anything or get anything..funny how i have to go home tomorrow without having any extra gas money at all..did give in and ask erika if she would go home with me and she said she would think aout it..i kinda dont want her to go but i asked just because..wasnt really expecting her to say yes at all..if she goes fine..if not no big deal..dont really want her to have to put up with mommey for a whole two days anyway..still having weird dreams..lasted was being told i couldnt do the direct deposit thing because i didnt pay my bills..still completely playing with the idea of not going back to therapy..and i really really think that just being away and knowing i dont have to do what anyone tells me went to my head incredibly fast..a lot of it is still being afraid and just not wanting to have to go and share with anyone else ever again..but some of it is just rebellion at its fullest because i can and there is like nothing that can be done to stop it until i say something about it..and im pretty sure it wont last much longer but for its short time span it has been just a little bit fun..but the fun will wear off and i will be back to completely worrying about what it will take to keep myself alive..got around to asking my teacher some vague questions about therapy and she of course turned around and asked what i thought about it and what is scaring me about going back to therapy...not sure i can answer that right now..not sure i can ever answer that ..but since ill think about it no stop and talk to myself in the car on the way home i guess ill have tofigure it out at somepoint..because when i was being completely logical on the bus yesterday it all pretty much came down too that i need to have that person there to just listen and not judge when i sit down and say i want to cut after like 20 mins of not talking about anything..worry to much about telling the people i work with and really did battle hard with myself to not turn around and show jim my arm yesterday when we did the restraint training yet again..so what i decide i dont know...did find out im not eligible for insurance for like 3 months..so i cant like kill myself before then..aand after that as long as im with talisman or aspen im covered..and this is a completely legit way and its not like mommy is afraid im going to kill myself so she put me back on health insurance for a little while..dont like doing the crisis training at all though..completely sucked being elbowed in the arms with my arms so sore..i think all the cutting ive done lately to the insides of my arms have just killed my muscles there..ive prolly ruined some of the muscles in my legs too and upper arms..never really thought about it until yesterday when suddenly just having pressure put on my arms was really too much..so yet one more stupid thing i can say ive done to myself that i didnt count on happening..and since im taking up way to much time in the office and sam and addy are trying to sleep ill go to bed now in the cold swamp

so

im in a much better mood today..have the day off but i have to work on sunday instead and thats fine..sleeping in today really did help..still having freaky dreams and its driving me up the wall because it does make me a little leary of going to sleep again..but going to greenville sc today to do apartment stuff and hopefully get that stuff squared away for the weekend..and find my way around as much as i can..hanging out and getting used to being around jim again..funny how he is so much older than me and has lived his life doing millions of different things and he isnt bothered with my being quiet..because i asked him last night and he said he wasnt..i like working with him all the same..ive pretty much come to terms with the news and its ok now..still worried a little bit its ok..havent cut again and the urge has really lessened a lot after i did it the other day..nia is going to be helping me move this weekend and that will be cool..she will prolly ride with me and not with mommy..gotta figure out times and everything for friday with the dinner and i cant drink! that sucks a lot because it would be a lot of fun..so i have to be respponsible because i have to drive home and i dont want to get in trouble for driving drunk..make it eassy and just dont drink..not much to tell though..just having a slow day with everything..nothing rushed

vent rant scream or cry..all of which are sounding pretty good right now...left out cutting because didnt want to really bring it up any more than i had too..really does suck though..really upset and completely back to being broke again...fun fun fun..i could scream im so frustrated with everything..so i was good and got my electric turned on..bad part being the deposit was so way more than i thought it was going to be..and i couldnt get out of paying it..so its like a huge chunk was just pulled out of the bank that i wasnt really expecting..and suddenly things are back to looking really really overwhelming or just one more thing to wory about..that i didnt really need added on at all..feeling really stupid as usual..not happy..and completely stuck because until i start getting paid i cant do anything except wait..and the money i did have from graduation stuff is really quickly being used up..nope not good at all

sucky mood

ok not really in a sucky mood but just kinda been off today..had weird dreams last night bordering on being really creepy and i just gave up sleeping and woke up and cut..did try to do something else but writing came after..i was fine this morning and it really does suck that cutting so still works at calming me down..but after a couple hours i just kept drifting off and i was less than talkative today with everyone..didnt want to be bothered but i had to stop myself all day from asking for a hug from jim...just feeling a lot disconnected right now..but it did snow for like 15 mins here! while we were in the office before we got off..but its stopped now and the sun has come back out and its just kinda boring again..dont know what im doing tonight yet..prolly not going anywhere since i really do need to stop spending money..hmm dreams since they have been on my mind and since im already thinking of a million things maybe writing them all out again might be helpful..writing this morning wasnt helpful much..so..umm one dream was about a girl, a teenager because when i started it i know it was going to be about something completely different..so 14yr old..who is going and babysitting for this family and they are really nice and supportive and safe..like everything a family should be..well things change and the relationship between the girl and the dad just gets kinda not ok..hmmgirl goes home and her parents are arguing and she happens to get into the middle of it and is really beat up..leaves and goes back to the family she babysits for but doesnt say what happened and just kinda stays with them..for as safe as the family feels to me all of it is wrong in the worst way since they are using this girl for sex pretty much..but its done in a way that almost makes it seem ok...got tired of that dream and it changed to something else..ive only dreamed about a teacher once before and even then it really creeped me out..i was at a huge party type thing..it made me think of like new years festival stuff..tons of ppl..tons of lights..nia was there and i watched her preform with a bunch of other ppl..saw some other preformances that i dont really remember and then this lady came and was doing an act..and it really looked like she was ice skating..kinda cool in a way..and all of a sudden i get this message from my teacher that she wished i could have come and hung out with her and her girlfriend..and i dont know how or why or when i got that message but i just knew i had it..and when i look up my teacher comes out and joins in the ice skating thingy and thats all fine and it ends when they kiss..problem would be i was almost to the point of believing this whole thing but then i remembered my teacher is married and has kids..im fairly certain shes not a lesbian and i dont get how or why i thought up any of it..just really threw me off because i had enough stuff on my mind without throwing my teachers into it..im not really sure how to procress any of it..so pretty much just woke up creeped out and couldnt really calm down at all..cut..had an argument with myself that i wrote down for some reason..and then got up and everything was ok..lasted most of the day before my arm started bothering me enough to go and really look at them and see what i had done..not bad..not noticeable unless im in shortsleeves or at the doctor and since it snowed today im sure that wont be happening any time soon..not sure if i feel guilty about any of it yet but that will set in later or tomorrow...found out i may be off on thursday and that will really help out a lot if i am..but we have to work on sunday if we are off thursday..sooo will see how it goes..things are feeling incredibly rotten and off in the world of me right now..not really sure of what my boundaries are now that im back to working so closely with ppl again..i want a hug but im afraid to be touched..i worry that in the nci training tomorrrow i wont handle being touched when we have to practice the restraints..will see i guess..

-

figured writing here is better than nothing...weird how much it can be a struggle to be okay when everything seems so messed up..went out with erika again tonight and it really did help with my mood..being together so much lately has been inexpected and kinda good cas we have kinda learned little things about each other..went to do laundry, and got dinner and looked at movies..listened to the chicago soundtrack millions of times..we get along pretty good..

still really confused about all the other stuff..not thinking about really doesnt make it go away at all.just kinda gets lost in the shuffle adn then as soon as im not moving around or busy anymore it all comes back..maybe im just really worried for no reason..it really could be as simple as just talking to jim and seeing what he says but what i do and what he has are two different things..im just really worried if i start saying well i cut he wont like me anymore..i think maybe ill always have to wonder about what ppl will think of me if they knew i cut ..without really knowing why or even understanding any thingabout it.i just think everyone would just assume i was crazy or something..adn its not even really like that considering i just graduated and i have a job and all of this stuff..but still the big thing is that i cut and that will always overshadow everything..no matter how much good stuff i might happen to do ill still just be a cutter..no real way around it i guess and it really sucks..im not a bad person right? great i pick now to really question whether im a bad person or not..and what i think really doesnt change anything either..im just back to feeling really ashamed of all of it..not a really big deal if i need it or not..because i guess i could get by without but maybe i like it..maybe i hate it i dont know..either way its not easy to give up..im sure i can give it up..i really do wonder what would happen to me if i stopped completely..i wouldnt feel real anymore..im not sure i would feel anything anymore..so i dont know..

at a loss

ive had a lot of trouble focusing today and i dont know why..ive been fidgety all day long and ive had two or more of the binder clip things in my pocket to play with..i worry im annoying ppl when im constantly messing with them..im going to have to find something quieter to play with..jim came today and of course he saw me and gave me the best hug ever..its really nice having him up here and just being able to talk to him again..but i also found out today that he is sick..like big time sick and i dont know how to deal with it..my first thought is ok i really want to pity him and feel sorry for him but this is jim and i know him and he wouldnt want me to do that either..i keep telling myself again and again that it wont change things but i feel like it has and maybe its just short term while i figure out what i think about it..i mean i dont have a problem working with him..its good he trusted me enough to even tell me..and i think a lot of what im feeling really has nothing at all to do with him as usual..ive taken what i was told and just ran with it..sat outside thinking about everything for a really long time..some about him and some about me..like he just walks in and after a few hours just tells me, jon and anna this huge issue in a way..and i just started to feel really guilty..i know it will take a litlte getting used to but i like him still and i still feel completely safe with him and i dont wnat that to change..i just dont know what exactlyis good to tell him about me and what i do..for some reason i dont think he would judge me at all but just him knowing would make me freak and i would worry he would just stop talking to me or start looking at me weird or something and i really dont want that..i hate thinking that ive somehow disappointed or freaked someone out because of the cutting and b/p and burning and not eating and just a general not liking myself kinda stuff..its not fair..and i dont know what i want to do or how to even go about doing it..with everyone im still completely the quiet one although i try hard to be as helpful as i can and as open to what we are doing as i can..and still im unnaturally quiet with everyone..jon knows me enough to know that he needs to literally call on me to get me to volunterr information..and its also a way to get me to focus when my head is a million miles away and im just sitting there staring into space..and maybe everything just seems hard now because we are still just getting started and kinda still in the planning stages with stuff..maybe im trying to process way to much stuff at once and so im not getting any of it..maybe im just realy starting to get scaredabout everything not working out and i dont know how to fix anything..maybe ive been fidgeting all day to kill the i want to cut thoughts..im going to work with jim and thats fine and all and i know ill be there for him if he needed me or when he needed me..but who exactly will be there for me when i cant handle anything anymore? who will even notice when im starting to rreally stress out about stuff and know that i need to be by myself for a little while? maybe its a good thing im so used to just hiding all of it and dealing with it alone or letting it go as far as it can and then trying to fix it..and then cutting comes in..im pretty sure i wouldnt throw up here just because i dont really like any of the bathrooms and there are just too many chances of getting caught..but cutting is easy..burning even easier..theres an ice machine here that is my new best friend and not for burning but because ive been eating a lot of ice again..i dont think my iron levels get up much at all anymore..but i have most of my razors with me in bags all over the place.i have one in my planner that i rarely use now..i dont really want to use them but i have them..ok i do want to use them but im trying hard not too..ive been looking at my arms lately and wondering when someone is going to really notice al the scars that have faded up but can still be seen if you are looking for them..or the new ones on my legs that i work so hard to keep covered and to not scratch at once it does start getting hotter..so i dont know...just really confused right now...ready to cry really because i cant figure anything out

the day is almost over

today is finally almost over..and im actually feeling a bit tired so thats prolly a good thing considering i didnt really sleep last night and tomorrow it will be back to work...actually spent the earlier part of the evening writing letters and thank you cards to get mailed tomorrow..it gave me something to focus my attention on for a couple hours and as usual once i start writting i just write..if someone who never has anything to say i could prolly write a book without thinking twice about it..came back to the office a while ago and got them all stamped and had a great time playing with the stamp machine..ate mac and cheese for dinner and carrots for some reason..got hooked on wanting to go to the grocery store and erika talked me out of it..i was hooked on going to the post office too..i really wanted to go but didnt..prolly better i didnt go since the weather is so gross up here..still raining and windy and dark now..mostly just been playing games onlien and talking to erika..we have so turnd the house into a house and tomorrow everyone is going to be coming back and working and we have been hanging out all weekend in here..gonna suck a bit not being able to get online as much anymore..but ill still do email and stuff every day..just no sit down hours to waste time anymore..looked at old pictures from camp and actually found some i didnt have and saved them so i can get them again..and thats about all..nothing too incredibly interesting going on..did get some info about getting electric turned on and to my great knowledge you can apply online and send your info in..kinda cool kinda creepy but it helps since i cant really leave when i want too during the day..will see how it turns out..but i am kinda tired so maybe ill go and read some and just fall asleep

still the weekend

im really starting ot think that there is more to all of this dislike of weekends and i just dont know what it is..its nice not working or cleaning anything but still by last night i was sick of the weekend and sick of thinking of endless hours with nothing to do and no way to fill them..went to asheville and did that for part of yesterday and it kept me busy but once we were back i didnt know what to do with myself..ttoday went to asheville to eat and now that we are back im once again at a loss with what to do with myself..right now im jut wasting time on line and it is really boring me and i know i wont be doing it for much longer..the longer i siit here the more depressed and upset i feel..its a really horrible day outside and i dont want to go walking around in the rain and i dont want to stay inside either..no where else i really want to go because i dont like driving inthe rain but i did earlier and succesfully made it to asheville and back in one piece..i keep thinking of eeverything i have to do and everything im supposed to do and it does really stress me out in the worse way..i forgot a few things would be pulled out of my bank account and the money is there but it would help if there was more of it there..ive been careful with what money i did have but still gas isnt cheap and my car takes a lot of it...ever since ive gotten my car i havent yet asked mommy for gas money and after moving this coming up weekend i wont be doing massive amounts of driving either..all the moving stuff is starting to bother me too...im leaving here on friday what ever time we get back from dinner and going back to rocky point to get dusti and what i left there..then i have to go to greenville nc and finish packing and then get it all packed up and move it to greenville sc..some where in there sleep should come in but i just dont know how all of it is going to work out yet..this week i have tofigure out getting electric turned on andthats about all since the rest of it is just like cable and internet and i dont need that right this minute so theres no rush on it...i want to go to greenville and go ahead and pay my rent for this month and pick up keys and everything becausse im so worried about time frames and not getting here before the office closes on saturday to get it all done then..i dont know what we are going to be doing with work this week either and i have to be here for that and to help out and all this stuff..mommy just wont let up about the money and what im getting paid and it just bothers me so much being stuck calling her everyday for no good reason at all..i just want to tell her that no one else has to call there mom everyday and it makes me seem incredibly childish to have to do it just to listen to you ask how much im gettting paid and when im getting paid..it doesnt matter and it has nothing at all to do with you any more..ive already been told i have to take over and pay everything on my own by march or april and i know that ill have to work that into my monthly planning once i start getting paid..i dont need to be reminded because then i cant let it go and there are already a million other things in my head that im worrying about..why is it that i cant get a break at all?i filled up my car today and im hoping i wont have to do it again until its time to head home on friday..erika said she would give me money to help with gas so that will be good..im trying to hold on to as much extra money as i can incase i have to do a deposit for the electric bill..there are a lot of little things coming into play i guess that i just wasnt really paying attention too before..it really does help that i can break up the pet fee for dusti for now and so rent is a little cheaper for this month..next month though it will be the full amount and then i will find out kinda how the bill thing will go..my cell phone bill just annoys me and i really see no point at all in keeping it when i dont use it and im mostly just paying for henry to have a phone..no one freaking calls me on a reg basis except her and i dont want to talk to her anyway so i see no point in having it..im in a really bad mood right this minute and it doesnt seem to be lifting at all..ok deep breath...and change the subject...hmm didnt sleep well last night at all..couldnt fall asleep and when i was slseep i wasnt really sure i was sleeping..tossed and turned al night until i gave up at around 7 and just got up..went for a walk around camp before it really started raining because i was feeling so closed in and staying inside was not ok ..nervous energy maybe or something but just going and walking around did help clear my head a little bit..went ahead and got dressed and came up to the office to get online while i waited for erika to finish her stuff and then we went to brunch and that was fun..had pancakes and they were good...but i think ill have to find something to do..maybe ill write or catch up on my other writing or just watch tv and zone out for the rest of the afternoon..i dont know..i hate weekends

asheville

its so weird being in the office on the weekend and none of the office ppl being here..but im so taking advantage of just having the computer to myself foras long as i want..feeling incredibly in an i want to go take pictures of the sun setting mood since ive really been wanting to paint and just kinda packed all that stuff away so i cant get to it yet..really wasnt smart of me to pack it away and of course i figure that out after i pack it and then want it and cant get it..but it will only be for a couple more weeks and then i can have it again..so i think i will go and just take pictures and think since i have millions of different things going on in my head right now..not really bad stuff just endless thoughts going around..nervous energy or something i guess..spent the dday in asheville and it really was a lot of fun..with erika she drove my car and when we go back tomorrow for brunch im driving..i got a new cd and we just went to a bunch of different shops and stuff and looked around..went to lunch at an outdoor cafe and got to watch a guy playing his violin while we were there..and then we went and got desert and shared a martini at a different cafe lol..and milky way mousse cake is wonderfu with a german chocolate cake martini..so it was a good day.realxing not having any obligations and being able to just go and do stuff..being here and suddenly everything is really much simplier than ever..do the basics stuff for everyday living and thats all you need..everything seems different without all the other everyday stressors constantly around..maybe thats why i like it so much here..i dont do well handling everyday stress and having so much information coming at me at once..working here is a different type of stress..but its not like city stress..im not being bombared with outside enviroment stress..i just have to handle all the inside stress before it gets out of hand and go from there..weird in some ways and it makes so much sense in other ways..i do work better with things quieter and i just need little bits of background noise and im ok..i know im not a city person and owrking in the middle of no where just doesnt bother me much..i prefer it ..and im close enough to hendersonville incase there was something i really needed to do or buy..ill live less than an hour away so i can go home and do all of this stuff..or like today go spend the day in asheville just walking around looking at stuff if i wanted too..life is different here..takes some getting used to but still its ok..

jobs and stuff

its been an interesting few days...i left on new years day as planned to head up to zirconia and i actually made the 6 and a half hour trip alone and got here in one piece...driving a long distance like that is kinda really lonely after a while and there was no one for me to talk to but myself..so i just kinda entertained myself while i drove and stopped when i was getting way to tired..but overall the drive wasnt bad at all..charlotte kinda weirded me out because i was going through the city and there was traffic and it like just really slowed down in general..but i made good time all the same..its fun driving on the highway and when i go long distances i just kinda notice when cars starts sticking together ... i was kinda one of the fast ones and a few of us just stuck close for a good while..it was fun switching lanes and seeing whats cars were following me and going my speed..i prolly got off easy with not getting pulled over for speeding so much but i do stop when i get to like 15over well slow down at least for a little while and go the actual speed limit..but i made the trip and i can add it to my list of things ive done with driving..and im in zirconia as i have been for the past few days..when i got here only a couple people were here and they were just the office people but it was nice chatching up with them..the next day more ppl showed up and linda and jon came..that night taylor and erika came from the holiday trip and we had pizza and beer...funny i went out to buy beer with my boss on the first day of the job..but linda is a lot of fun and in a way she has become like a parent ...shes the director but kinda has to take care of everyone and make sure everyone is doing what they are supposed to be doing..ive been out to buy beer with her and ive taken bites out of all of her candy and put it back in the box with erika..ive asked her a million times about amillion different things and she just goes with whats going on..but ive been working with two of the other actually staff ppl and we get along..i do feel a bit left out that they already know each other really well but we still get along so that is good..i found out im going to be working with jim and he was here over the summer so i know him but we were in different programs but i liked him so im sure it wil be fine..im learning more about the program in general and whats going to be expected of me ..and it doesnt seem hard but its just like everything has to be on schedule and written down..its going to be more laid back than actual camp but we are still following the same guidlines kinda..when we go on our trips we are going to be camping there..i cant believe i actually thought of hotels! but camping is alright and it will be fun..im going to fla twice and once to the fla keys and we get time off down there..im going to the outerbanks and on the backpacking trip..the other side of the staff is doing the 2 fla trips and going to sc..training isnt really hard or anything..alot of it is learning more about aspergers and learning more about the program...a lot of cleaning and moving stuff around..its kinda cool being the first set of staff that will be starting this program here..we are going to write the staff manual as we go along..we are going set up rules and more indepth stuff as we go along and problems come up..a lot of the paper work i didnt have to redo since i was just up here over the summer and that was really good..im praticing driving with erika and trying hard to get more comfortable with driving up here and relearning my way around..we are going to asheville on saturday and down to look at my apartment or the way to my apartment on sunday..i went to asheville last night with a bunch of the staff for dinner at a vegetarian resturant and what i got was ok just not for me..im learning now just how not a good idea it was for me to become a vegetarian in the first place..it wasnt a good idea for me at all..not done for the right reasons either..so its like everyones goal to get me eating vegetables..and i ate half a carrot and then a baby carrot today and it was really quite painful..so now ill have to get around to telling everyone one else at some point..something as simple as being a vegetarian or not and i worry about disappointing someone ..it really has nothing to do with anyone else but i still worry ..its a lot of cleaning stuff and today we got to steam clean the carpets in the office and emptying the steam thingy was the grossest thing ever! i never want to steam clean a carpet for as long as i live..but tracey came by today and it was good seeing her too..im nervous with starting the program for real on the 15th..its not really the planning or teaching part that worries me i just worry about if ill be able to handle being here and doing a good job..ever since i got here ive wanted to cut and its been really hard not doing it..i have razors with me and its really just i dont want to look for them and i dont want to hurt..not really..but im having a lot of trouble getting the thoughts out of my head completely...being back is really good and i feel safe in some ways up here..accepted i guess but still it kinda feels like im lying to all of them because i havent told me as much as i could about myself or asked for help when i needed it..but im not alone all the time either, ive spent a lot of time lately with erika since she is here and like we had dinner again with arran tonight..and i like them but i get errally nervous when it comes to talking about anything really personal and just kinda dont do it...today when we were going over some of the information about working with the kids and we were talking about behaviors i just started wondering if i could really deal with someone elses behavior when i cant even handle my own correctly..and i just stress myself out worrying about everything and going over endless questions in my head about every little thing that will never ever matter to anyone else..but if i asked myself if i would go back and not accept the job i dont think i would change any of what ive done...i like being here and i like working here..i guess a lot of it is just a lot of nerves about all the new stuff and all the changes still going on..im really hoping i will calm down and find an even level or something soon..i just get over being sad about everything..and talking to mommy everyday and having her constantly question me about money makes it worst..because it just adds on to the other things i already worry about and i knew what the pay would be and its fine for me..for what im doing..starting out its ok..each year it will go up like every other job..over the summer it will go up because of how long ive been here..ill have health insurance and all this stuff but its still jut about money with her and it keeps me on edge..i dread having to call her and talk to her about nothing and knowing it wouldnt matter if i had anything to say at all..being here with some people i know and some i dont still makes me feel incredibly lonely..i dont know though..im really back to questioning the therapy thing and if i have to go back or if i need to go back now that im out..i make it sound like i was in the hospital or something and most of it is prolly just me being really scared of starting over..and time frames and just worrying about everything..because i am still suicidal i know i need to have someone else to talk too but going and getting started again just doesnt interest me at all..i have been writing in a different journal because im not online a lot and its hard finding enough empty free time to just sit and wirte like i normally do and so a lot of what i think just stays in my head...not a good thing at all because i wont have a way to think anything out completely because i wont give myself a break..maybe its just because everyone seems so normal and pulled together and i just cant figure out what it is i want to do..on one hand im doing ok with being here and staying in the swamp..i really miss dusti with all the dogs around here ..i like the dogs but im such a cat person..and dusti would be eaten alive here with the bunches of strays that are hanging around..i will be really glad to have an apartment though and im seeing that now..i like being here but being able to leave and know i have somewhere to go makes me feel better too..i want to be able to leave and know ill have an apartment with my own stuff and my own space and dusti..hardly there or not i just cant see staying with someone else and just being in someone elses house..im happy with my new place ..if it ever stops raining ill take pictures..its weird being able to really see the seasons change..its not snowing but its cold..but the trees are bare..and looking at the tree lines going up the mountain and remembering how green everything used to be is a shocker..i actually have to wear two shirts to keep from freezing my butt off and a jacket..today i had on two jackets just because of the rain and i really dont like being wet..i started reading this book..and its called umm but inside im screaming..ive finished over half of it already and i started it a few hours ago..and i can relate to it so much and of course tthats prolly why the therapy stuff si back in my head..i wonder if i would be put on meds if i went back..and i know i can say no to them and i would because i dont want to take anything and i for as much as i dont care about what happens to me i know i dont need to have meds just hanging around at all..thats just asking for me to do something really stupid in a big way..lots of things to wonder about and i guess ill never find out about it until i actually make the decision to go..but i dont know..so lots going on..a lot of different stuff..and im trying hard to be okay with all of it and not freak out big time

so..

i actually stayed awake..its offically 07..another year is gone and most of it i dont remember..but oh well for that..some things i do remember..both good and bad stuff but at least i remember! didnt go to a party or anything ..stayed at home..had things to do here..my movie collection grew though! dee gave mommy a bunch of movies that im guessing riley and harris didnt want/need anymore..and she told her to donate them and mommy told me tonight that she had them and i could look through them for the kids im gonna be working with..so i went and looked but once i saw what movies they were it turned into shopping for ones i wanted lol..i got a bunch of movies..the lion king and mulan..spirit and anabelles wish, mary poppins, alice in wonderland..cinderella and the little mermaid 2..and a few other ones.. i watched all of them like a million times with riley and harris..it was sad knowing shes just giving them away..but i guess its just a space issue and now i have more movies that i really like and never got..i have to get a regular vcr now lol..but i better head to bed..its after midnight! and its been forever since ive been up this late

new year survey

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
I got a car, I got my license, I got pulled over by the cops but didnt get a ticket, worked at a hospital, became friends with a 14yr with a TBI, worked with doctors, therapists, nurses, care partners, and pychiatrist, went rock climbing, white water rafting, hiking, GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I dont remember really, and since i dont remember im sure i didnt keep my resolution, I might not have really even made one..but if i do make one or a couple for this year they will prolly be the same they always are..but since ive been thinking about it alot today with my usual worries i guess i might settle on one being to just be happy..i like to keep it simple but this has really really been an incredibly sad year..hmm

3. Did anyone close to you get married?
one got engaged

4. Did anyone close to you give birth?
nah

5. Did anyone close to you die?
no

6. What countries did you visit?
none, kinda broke and ugh in school

7. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
I want to have more fun, do more things

8. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
funny..like i can remember dates when i cant even remember what ive done in the past two weeks~so ill just do big things without dates

worked at talisman over the summer
went hiking, white water rafting, and rocking climbing as a job..learned to belay..
got a full time job with talisman
was called a goddess for 2 months
started and finished my internship
got my license and a car
learned i am capable of controlling something
got a new apartment
made the deans list for spring
made the chancellors list for fall
graduated
got the achievement award for my class
ending with arran
being comfortable going out to eat with teachers



9. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting the achievement award..for as much as i didnt want to have it..i know i worked my butt off to get through my college years..hard earned and my teachers just didnt give up on me

10. What was your biggest failure?
not letting go of bad habits...

11. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yea..

12. What was the best thing you bought?
the lion king soundtrack!!!

13. Whose behavior merited celebration?
no idea

14. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
mine bothered me a lot but thats nothing new..

15. Where did most of your money go?
movies..food..books..online shopping should be banned :P

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
going to see the lion king in raliegh with riley and harris and mckenzie and ann mcbryde and cameron and william and there moms lol...i spent months looking forward to that and it was the greatest thing ive ever seen in my life! that so made my year

17. What song will always remind you of 2006?
you say..saving jane
hate me .. blue october
here..idina menzel
you could be happy .. snow patrol


18. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier Or sadder?
prolly about the same..but more sadder than happier

ii. thinner or fatter?
up and down

iii. richer or poorer?
nope still broke

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?
gotten out of the house more..slightly paranoid spending a lot of time alone

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?
being quiet, not asking for help, staying by myself

21. How will you be spending Christmas?
i was with my brother and sister

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
no

23. How many one-night stands?
gross

24. What was your favorite TV program?
antm, supernatural

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no

26. What was the best book you read?
Eragon rocked..

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Snow Patrol and Heather Headley

28. What did you want and get?
i still dont know what i want so i dont know what ive gotten...hmm im a little more confident

29. What is your best memory of 2006?
Parking in the back of parking lots and walking with yvonne, losing at monolopy like a million times..it was disney monolpy..no i dont think ill be forgetting that one

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
RENT

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
turned 23...had ice cream for lunch with my supervisor...went to dinner with yvonne, and got more ice cream and the got home and had cake with yvonne :)

32. What is the one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
i dont know..figuring everything out...not being so scared of stuff

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
fashion? umm well i wore clothes..nothing thrilling or anything just comfortable

34. What kept you sane?
Dusti

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
fancy like what? favs are still angelina jolie and orlando bloom

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the war..still think its the stupidest thing ever..same sex marriages is just an argument that could be solved so quickly if politics stayed out of it..good grief what ever happened to not sticking your nose in other ppls business..

37. Who did you miss?
tali and the other girls i never managed to see ..missed going out with them..missed my camp ppl after the summer was over


38. Who was the best new person you met?
hmm i met some really cool ppl working at the hospital and at camp...hollice and bobbi jo being the coolest :)

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
You are in control of your actions...no one can make you do anything..you have to be responsible and take care of yourself before trying to take care of anyone else..be your own person and dont let anyone make choices for you..lessons learned not lessons applied..

40. Would you say that 2006 was overall a good year?
it had its good points..it had its sad points..but ill remember the hard points most im guessing

41. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"I've been wicked and wild and wrong and I've wondered the price of my shame.
I've been hiding my face for so long it's a wonder that you know my name."