overload

got my car back today..its weird driving the aztek and being so high up vs my other car that i was way more used too..even though it cut off and everything i was starting to like it..it got me where i needed to go and i knew that car..but now i have my aztek back and mommy says its back to being mine again..since its in my name and everything its my car anyway..also told me that since i ahve to back i get to start paying the car notes on it..and good grief its not cheap at all having a car b ut oh well..will just figure it out .. so drove around some today with it..trying to get used to driving it and comfortable driving it..feels different than my other car..and the buick seriously has me paranoid..so prolly a good thing having a car that wont cut off on my but im guessing ill be a little catious with going slow and everything..but i can blast my cds all i want..and it wont matter..cleaned it out some today..vaccumed and took it to the car wash and its all shiny and nice looking..still have to do some inside cleaning and moving stuff between cars..actually packed and overpacked at the same time...still worried ill forget something and not be able to come back and get it..constantly going over stuff to get and make sure i have so i dont forget anything..starting to get nervous about leaving..worried ill get lost or something..mommy keeps giving me directions and telling me what to do and what not to do..making me more nervous than i already am..dusti is playing all over the house..i got new pajamas today..still lots to do..and its already 10..i dont want to stay up late or anything tonight so that i know ill be able to wake up i nthe morning when i have too..

this one is from my whole name ...

Your Expression Number is 6

You have an outstanding sense of responsibility, love, and balance. You are helpful and inclined to comfort those in need. You have many artistic and creative talents, but you only use them to better others. You are loving, friendly, and appreciative of others. You have a depth of understanding that produces much kindness and generosity. Openness and honesty are apparent in your approach to all relationships. Sometimes, you can be too demanding of yourself. At times, you tend to sacrifice yourself for the welfare of others. At other times, you have trouble distinguishing between helping and interfering.

What's Your Expression Number?

Your Expression Number is 9

An idealist and humanitarian, you strive to make the world a better place. You do your best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion. Deep down, you dream of being loved by many. You are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. While you are very ambitious, you never lose site of perspective. You have an abundance of creative talents... you just need to tap into them. Although you are a giving person, you can become selfish if you are ignored. If you are not able to help people, you tend to shelf your talents. Without others, you become aloof and start to lack sensitivity.

What's Your Expression Number?

new years eve

tomorrow really is the start of a new year..and now im stuck wondering what it will be like..will it be like this year? will it be better or worse? will things change or stay the same? will i like the move..will i make it through the actual move and getting things done? will i make a new years resolution? better than that will i actually stay up till midnight and watch the dorky little ball drop on tv..im not going out most likely and if i stay home ill just go to bed whenever i fall asleep..but will i mkae a resolution? will it be the same ones i already make and never keep? will i wish for perfection or death? kinda the same thing i guess..maybe ill just wish to be happy? but that just seems completely childish..so i should wish for something grownup... *thinking..thikning..thinking** i dont know..the ssame old question of what tdo you want keeps drifing into my head..i dont know what i want..i want to be happy..and thats about all funny i ppick being happy before i think about wishing to like myself..

yesterday was stressful at times because time alone with mommy quickly turns into tell me all your secrets. stayed as nuetral as possible and tried hard not to get bothered with all the questions. i decided that ppl who talk on cell phones and drive need to get tickets . its scary being in the car with her and having tons of traffic all over the place and she is constantly on the phone talking to someone and crossing into other lanes. dont like riding in the car when she is driving because well she cant drive well . anyhoo took about 5 and a half hours to get there and about 6 and a half coming back. did look at a bunch of different places and actually managed to find one i really liked. It nice, and the area is really quiet and i can keep dusti, so that was a really good thing. It is being held and everything and i said i would be moving in on the 13th. will have to figure out how that is going to work out with working and everything. im glad i found a place and the deposit was a lot less than i was expecting so that was good too. Theres a grocery store across the street and that did lessen some of the anixety about getting lost once im actually living there. did get lost a couple times yesterday with mommy and that was hard because i was starting to get antsy and she wasnt and didnt know where we were going or how to get back to where we needed to be. but made it home again and just kinda crashed until a little while ago. did take someothing to help sleep though. got to listen to all the stuff i have to do tomorrow when i leave to go and start the new job. like call every two hours and stop and dont drive at night and dont drive in the fast lane and all this stuff i didnt want to hear or already knew. but its over with now its one less thing to worry about.

the new job starts in oh two days now..was thinking about it last night and was starting to get scared and worried and nervous. we are leaving tomorrow and i tihnk we will just drive and see how far we get and stay in a hotel over night and then head to the a ctual place on tuesday. that way it wont be incredibly rushed and traffic should be light since it is new years day. have to pack and run to the store to get last minute stuff today..hopefully walmart is open! and then have to take down aqnother stupid christmas tree after i said yesterday i didnt want to do it. yea i feel really listened too ..but then leaving tomorrow and nothing can change that. was told yesterday i have to call home everyday..well too freakin bad for you my phone doesnt work when im up there and i wont be calling everyday..and i know it will just make a lot of arguments but im going to work not visit someplace..what do i need to call home for? i dont want to talk to her anyway ..and of course moving isnt going to help much because i was told yesterday that since henry goes to school an hour or so from where ill be then they will be sure to visit..i could just scream its so annoying and hard..i want to start over and i cant because i cant even manage to get away and stay away..ugh..i guess it could be as simple as just not being home or making sure im working when they want to come visit but that wont work all the time..i dont want to have to come home for holidays or visit when im not working..i dont want to be here anymore and being here just makes me feel so so so bad and unhappy..so i dont know how things will turn out..but one step in the right direciton i guess is actually having the job and having a place to live ..moving stuff will come later when i figure out when ill be off and can go back and get stuff..but i guess i better get going before im in trouble for not doing what im supposed to do.

Control your temper, do not react to anything today and you may just make it out in one piece. Dont dwell on what doesnt work out, dont talk loud, dont breathe loud, dont think if you can help it. Just be there without being there, agree with everything and dont say no. Dont look sad, upset, or hurt, because it will only make for more questions. Become completely numb, completely detached and unemotional and maybe 12 hours stuck in the car with mommy wont seem so bad. maybe


When did going to look for an apartment become a fashion show? Why does it matter what I wear or how I look? She said we would be leaving at 5. Im ready and waiting, its after 5.

hmm

at home ...thats about all..leg and arm both hurting a lot right now..

resistance.

after going to campus today and seeing my teacher for a little while i really do have to question why it is i dont want to pack..when i told her i didnt she asked if i was being resistant because i didnt want to move/leave...and i didnt really think of it as being resistant because its not the move that bothers me so much right now..right now its that if i finish packing then i have to go home and i dont want too..i was walking through the incredibly empty campus and wondering what it would feel like to stand on the roof of the buildings because they are so high..i couldnt decide if i was afraid of heights or not..i thought about creative ways to die..and surprisingly enough i wasnt able to come up with anything i hadnt already thought of..and it is starting to bother me that im becoming so preoccupied with dying again..i really thought i would be ok and well i didnt add in things not going well at home..my fault for forgetting anyway..but its just not good at all..and i know i cant leave until i finish packing anyway because if i do and then mommy comes up here on sunday and sees i havent done what i said i was goingg to do then ill never hear the end of it..just another argument that i dont want to deal with..so i have to finish ..but i dont want to pack..i want to just sit here and cry or something..i didnt want her to let me go..i knew she would ask for a hug and i didnt say no this time..it was ok because i had already hugged her before anyway..now im just trying to figure out what to start with before being sad just eats me alive...once again i was told that im better at identifying emotions and it sucks..i dont want to be better at it..guess it doesnt matter if i keep ignoring them anyway...i cant figure out what it is i want..i dont know what it is im looking for exactly..more and more i see how different i am..nia is a love person and she is always in and out of relationships..henry knows everyone and has a million friends..but how exactly am i defined? how am i remembered or noticed? how do i want to be remembered? how will i b e remembered ? and i know that because i had to answer a similar question before and it took me months to figure it out..and even then i wasnt sure..it pretty much all comes down to being happy..and it really really hurts that im not..i can pretend all i want too but it doesnt change that when im alone its back to being completely alone and lonely and sad...not always suicidal but sometimes..am i suicidal now? i dont know..not really..nothing that i can do anythingabout..will i last through tomorrow? 12 hours in the car with mommy..endless questions probably and nothing for me to do to get away..its bad enough i cut my arm this morning..i have to make sure i wear long sleeves tomorrow..i wanted to tell my teacher what ive been doing but i didnt ..i wont tell anyone becasuae ill just be in trouble and everyone will be mad at me for not trying harder..ill be a disappointment to everyone and then it wont matter ...i was thinking what would happen if they found out at talisman..would i lose my job? would they make me go to therapy? i cant remember what the physical forms had on them from over the summer..i cant remember if it was depression or bpd that ended up on them..i know it wasnt anything specific except that my therapist had said iwould be fine to go..i know cutting wasnt added..and they didnt know about the b/p ...i refuse to tell that..but my arms are fairly obvious sometimes..but no one really asked about them..i dont think i wanted them to notice..i didnt want them to ask what happened..i would have lied..i would still lie now..i do when im asked.. feel bad blaming dusti though and i try hard not too..i can tell dustis scratches from what i do and they arent bad and i prolly deserve it anyway when she does it cas ive done something stupid like stick her in the bathtub or something..but its not her and i refuse to give her away to anyone..i dont want her to stay her with mommy but for now i have no choice..so what am i going to do ? i dont know..i know i have to leave on the 1st to head up to talisman ..ill prolly spend the night in a hotel just so that i dont feel rushed...i just dont want to go home..its so stupid..of all the things to be afraid of its something as stupid as going home..i would move all the way around the world if it meant getting away..but its still counts as running..i dont care anymore..i want to run and if this is as far away as i can go then fine..but that isnt even far enough away because mommmy goes to all of henrys games that shes can..how do i know she wont just like drop by some times? true if im working then it wont matter but it will worry me..i dont want her dropping by i dont want her anywhere near me at all...i dont know maybe moving across the state isnt the right idea but when i asked arran she said it was..for now maybe it is..but i can move again later if i wanted too right? if i did want too i could move completely away from nc..if i stay with aspen i can go to oregon or ny or another state that im forgetting..im still thinking i dont want to be stuck behind a desk right now..maybe i want to go back to school..there are so many maybes for the future stuff..i dont know..do i want to go abck to school? i know i cant handle it now..it would kill me if i tried to do my masters now..but like so many other people tell me if i stop will i ever go back? will i want to go back if i can support myself now? i dont know anything..why do i have to be in the real world now? i dont feel safe at all..maybe its just because so much other stuff has been going on lately and everything is just looking really bad...im really not liking myself at all right now and maybe im just looking for a reason to cut or hurt..and that would be enough to know i have to go back to therapy before i really do try to kill myself..i dont want to go back but i know i have to if i want to stay

i refuse to cry i refuse to cry but i want to cut i want to burn i want to scream

i was thinking about other stuff but mommy called...listened to her yell at me for a while..its a waste of time trying to do anything..im in trouble when it doesnt work out and things have to change..i did everything she told me to do and im still the ungrateful one..like i didnt work my butt off while i was at home..i was sick and still didnt ask to go home..every other day she tells me that i cant go and buy anything because im supposed to be saving to do all this stuff..like she forget that its shes the one who borrowed money from me in the first place..all these things she promised to do and when its time to do anything then suddenly she cant do it..she has to work or shes tired and sick..what the hell am i supposed to do when ive waited around for her to do all this stuff? i could have gone by myself forever ago but i waited because she said she wanted to go and help..if i had a better car i would have gone before now..when i had tons of free tiem and i wasnt doing anything but i didnt..and now all of it is a mess .. and im still wrong and its like im just not doing anything at all..now i have to go back and break all the stuff ive done..ive already signed the papers to move out and now im not moving at all..id to listen to yvonne freak out about having to move because i was leaving and now im not..i tried hard not to wait till the last minute to do stuff and i tried to make sure everything was ok and now its not..why am i even still here? what am i doing? now its just like forget all of it and start over..i dont know what i have to do..i dont know what im supposed to do..and i prolly need to head back home before it gets too dark and i have to pack and not pack at the same time..i dont care at all..all i have to do is make it through tonight and tomorrow..right now just make it through the hour and then figure it out from there..not that it matters at all..all of it is useless and somehow its all become my fault

how..

how can i leave to start a new job in four or so days when i feel so horrible about everything..i want to go i have to go but i dont know how it will be..

i miss dusti

im feeling alone and need to go to bed before it gets worse..il figure out what i have to do tomorrow

ivee wasted my whole day today..feeling useless and some other stuff i cant name..ive spent most of the afternoon just laying on the floor half watching tv..and feeling sick..i think i just really want to go to bed right now..and wake up tomorrow and figure out what i have to do..right now i dont care but i also know that if i dont get all of it done ill juts be in trouble when mommy comes..i cant even figure out what i still ahve to do..i dont want to do anything

finally made it back to the apartment..and the quiet emptyness is nice..its kinda like i can shut down completely and there is nothing to take my attention away from anything..took the valium i had a little while ago..im really hoping it will just let me sleep again for a little while and then i can pack and stuff tomorrow and go back home tomorrow night..the weekend is just going to be a huge swirl of activity that i dont want to be a part of at all..head is feeling quiet at least..not feeling much like writing and theres nothing to write really..i was a message board posting some and some one said that it was okay to scream or rant or just do something that gets out what im feeling..yesterday i cried and cut but i didnt really ever get around to what was really getting at me..and then it all went away and i didnt care..prolly didnt really go away but i just stopped paying attention to it..and then it was like nothing was there at all..today its the same thing..i cant let go of thinking about everything but its a detached kinda thinking about it..i still dont care..im still not feeling anything but i still dont think ive gotten to the bottom of it and im sure i wont ..i cant be mad or yell or anything like that..why not? i dont know..liar..why why why..forget it i dont want to know..my ears are ringing again..were doing it last night but it was gone when i woke up this morning...dont know whats causing it..prolly something to do with all the meds ive been taking lately and im still sick not that it matters

Your True Birth Month Is January

Loyal Social Logical Easily jealous Loves children Rather reserved Highly attentive Likes to criticize Needs close friends Ambitious and serious Smart, neat and organized Hardworking and productive Loves to teach and be taught Quiet unless excited or tensed Sensitive and has deep thoughts Knows how to make others happy Searches for the greatest romance Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds Romantic but has difficulties expressing love Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses

What's Your True Birth Month?

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feel something...feel anything..thers nothing there, still the same empty feeling i had last night..gooing back to greenville as soon as i collect my head enough to change and get what im taking back with me..coming back tomorrow night though..so unfourtunately dusti will be staying here..until i get back..no point in chasing her all over the place just to have to put her back in the car tomorrow..easier to just let her stay put..slept in a little bit..9:30 is so sleeping in for me and it prolly would have been longer than that if mommy hadnt called..still sick..still feels like im being pulled in a million different directions and none of them are winning..guess i better get moving if i want to get any packing done

i cant believe its already 10 here...where has the day gone? everything that has happened today has just become one huge thing to forget..i want to forget..i could completely wipe today out of my head and i wouldnt really notice..it would just become another day not worth remembering because its just been one of those days everyone wished would never happen..how does it end? i dont know right now i just hurt..feels lkinda like something has broke but theres not a way to fix it..body really hurts..sore for no reason minus my ankle..back hurts, hips hurt..head hurts..i guess its less to explain if i just say everything hurts right now..back and forth all day..zoning out completely and then turning around and just having everything fall on my head at once..i swear mommy forgets what she does during the day and what she says...its like this morning didnt happen and i just imagined all of it..i made it up to give myself something to do..and yet im walking around completely afraid of being called for something i havent finished or something i havent done that i should have..i worry ill just get in trouble again..its only 10 not that it matters cas nothing really ends until mommy goes to bed and we can do what we like ..not that its interesting or important or anything..feel dead in a way..keep wishing i was dead and get annoyed when i realize im not..why cant i just die and get it over with..i could juts go away and disappear..become someone else, join the witness protection program i dont care just get me away for all of this..i want..i dont know what i want..maybe not to hurt..maybe juts to be out of it enough that nothing hurts anymore..but i cant forget what arran told me about how not being present makes me forget stuff quicker...i dont want to be present..i dont want to be here..i cant stand my life i hate who i am, what i am..id rather pretend..i could live anywhere and be anyone..stay a kid..be a kid..i am a kid..even henry knows that...make me happy buy me a toy..buy me kids stuff..i think i forgot to grow up ..i dont want control i dont want anything...right now i just want to go away..i cant get rid of the thoughts..maybe ill be able to sleep if i can calm my head down enough...everything is back to being a stupid maybe..im stupid..everything is stupid..everything sucks..send me away..let me go..just just let me go..alone but not really..i want to be left alone..i can make up a better world than this one..maybe this is what delusional feels like..but i dont feel anything at all..empty isnt a feeling its just there..thats all im coming up with..guess sleeping is the only other option i have

-

i think my head stopped working or something at some point today..i didnt leave and go back to school..got talked out of it because i was dumb enough to say i was still stick to cover up that i was crying on the phone..so didnt go today and i said i would go tomorrow but after mommy asked if i needed to go im guessing i prolly wont be going anywhere..ive decided to stop planning on doing anything ahead of schedule..no point to it and it all just turns into a bunch of lies anyway..no going to see anything tomorrow like planned..rushed around all morning trying to get my stuff put away and cleaning up just to find out i cant even go anywhere and that we arent even going because im not as important as working and so what i have to do can be put off again and again because it doesnt matter..so i was told exactly what to do but not really told why it had to be done..when i started to disagree with any of it then i was just getting an attitude and not being helpful..so i shut up and did all of it only to find out later that i cant finish any of it..going on saturday now..wont hold my breathe and wont be surprised if it doesnt happen..the only thing im still sure about is that i still have to start training on the 2nd..dont know where my stuff is going..dont know where dusti is going to be ..dont know anything ..im ready to throw it all away and just say screw it and i dont care..almost wished the house would burn down earlier but i went back and turned the stove off before i left to go to the store..learned that cutting my ankle so much wasnt a great idea because now it hurts to walk..cant say i really care except that ..nevermind i dont care..all day i thoughtabout cutting my wrist and just going and getting new wristbands..hunted for razors in the hardware store and couldnt find what i was looking for so didnt get any new ones..not that it really matter since i have like 6 in my bag anyway..even thought about getting bandaids to lessen the scars but that didnt last for long..they could all get infected and im still not sure i would care..dont want to look at then though since im not really sure how much it was..it feels like im just falling apart..i keep thinking about what it would mean to die..i still dont know if it would hurt or not..and i dont even feel guilty that im thinking about dying..i feel guilty that ill somehow get in trouble for it..i want to go back to greenville just to be by myself for a couple days..but im not really sure i need to be by myself either..i dont want to stay here..i cant stay here and even begin to think ill be ok..there should be something wrong with being suicidal at home..almost made it but it didnt work out..and if i stay i have a week..if i leave ill have only 3 or so days actually at home..but if saturday actually happens ill be stuck in the car for 12 hours with mommy..might jump out into traffic or something..mommy came home and started saying thanks for cleaning and what not and it didnt matter and it didnt make a difference for anything..

i hateyou i hate you i hate you

if i stay here ill kill myself..once i get all my stuff im leaving and going back to greenville not that it really matters anyway..already cut...dont even remember how long its been since i have cut..just have the huge urge to hurt..cried but that stopped after a little while..still want to cut though...nothing ever works out..i did everything i was supposed to do and still im screwed in the end..no im not going to look at apartments..ill be lucky if i even move.. i dont care anymore

christmas 2

made it through another christmas..that would be my good news for the day as small and insignificant as that is*shrug*..got up at like 6 or so this morning because i was having trouble breathing again..it sucks getting so stuffed up at night..i just wake up feeling horrible..but at least the sinus thing is clearing up ..slowly but clearing up all the same...so its getting easier to focus again..so waited around for like an hour and a half for the rest of them to wake up so we could open gifts..didnt want to go and wake them up because it didnt seem fair so i just waited..so opened gifts and got the usual stuff..clothes and shoes, a jacket and of course socks ...the hiking boots have a light in them and someone figured out how to get the batteries in and then couldnt figure out how to get them back out! my boots have been blinking all day and finally nia covered them up so the light wouldnt show through anymore lol..got a bunch of dvds hmm got lilo and stitch 2 and a care bear calendar...got some other stuff im not really thinking of right now ..some of it i didnt liked much and its just im sitting there feeling i dont know a little jipped i guess..and then feeling guilty for not getting everything i wanted when there are people who didnt get anything and i can sit here and make a list of what we did get ...im being selfish and mean ...anyway..ill get over it and be fine with what i got..took pictures of the three of us just to have and now we are just hanging around watching movies again...got click and that is such a good movie...want to cry everytime i watch it..makes me wonder what it means to really live and not miss out on life you know..i wonder what it would feel like to really truly be in love with someone and then somehow mess it up and then get the chance to go back and fix it...if i could go back in my life and change anything would i do it? how different would things be now if i wasnt a nut? would i have met the same people or done the same things? as much as i cant remember being a kid or even what ive done in the past couple weeks i dont know..for all the things i wish and wish to change would i do it if i was given the choice? im not really sure i would..maybe im supposed to struggle so freaking much for a reason that i havent been clued in on yet...there are a lot of ppl i guess i would miss if life had been different..ppl i just cant see myself living with out knowing..if that makes sense..the people who have kept me alive the past few years..the one who know parts of me ..the not so good parts and still manage to talk to me and put up with me ..i dont know im feeling all confused again lol..darnit..so made it through the dinners and visiting and kinda feeling sleepy now..its been a long day...its been a long few days..a long few weeks..a long few months..im really starting to wish for things to just settle down and get back into some sort of a schedule...it feels like im falling apart with out any structure to my day..things are just so up in the air and its keeping me on edge ..overall though its been an ok day..i think..after all that was written last night i dont think i had the energy to put up with anything else happening...not to mention its been raining all freakin day..its flooding here in some areas..there are tornado warnings good grief the weather has sucked horribly lately?! what the heck! wanted snow and got rain instead..ugh so not cool

christmas

today is going by kinda fast..opened presents this morning with nia and henry..and now we are just kinda hanging out not doing anything..i almost fell asleep watching a movie..got the usual christmas stuff..clothes and new boots, jackets and a really long scarf that i really like..and my picture thing is really cool and i want to go back and get the tree one ive decided..my care bear calendar from henry is so cute..prolly cas i picked it out! 2 new bags and a dvd player and a bunch of movies..so it was fun..still sick but its not as bad anymore..its worse just waking up but then kinda evens out as the day goes on...ad it is a rather depressing day..raining all day..no idea when it will be stopping but i hope soon cas i hope it stops soon..but ill write more about everything later on i think..

it will never end

Why is it that some things can be figured out when you least expect it. Today has been up and down a lot but overall evening out some and turning out okay i think..mommy is out of town but at the same time its like she is still here. Since i got home yesterday all ive gone back to thinking is that if mommy was here she would be so pissed off that i wasnt cleaning up or something..if she was here i would have been sucked into helping cook and clean and take care of granny..then i would have gotten in trouble for doing a bad job at all of it..even if i worked all day on everything it would all still suck and i would be at fault as always...and even though i know she is hundreds of miles away its like she will just be back at any time to check and make sure ive done what im supposed to be doing..shes not here but im still scared..worried that somehow no matter what i will be in trouble..so i did what i was expected to do..i cleaned up and i cooked but still i dont feel like its not enough..like there is something im missing or that i havent cleaned enough..she doesnt have to be here but its like she is all the same..somehow she lives in my head all the time..telling me what to do or what i should be doing..always criticizing what i am doing or questioning what i want to do..it doesnt make sense but i still know its true..somehow its come up before and i didnt really think about it then..but as i was mindlessly cleaning earlier it just kinda started creeping in again..i really did have to ask myself why i bothered when its just me nia and henry here..whats the big deal? but i know what the big deal is..im terrified that somehow she will find out i slacked off and the house just fall apart because i am such a screw up and then it would just be another reason to hate me..i dont like that i can fall into the parent role so easily when mommy isnt here..suddenly all the little things matter and i worry more than i usually do..suddenly im the one with all the answers and mommy calls enough that its like shes still here anyway..but until she actually gets back things i do are just ok..once shes here again then nothing ive done is right..everything could have been done a different way or just better..i know where it comes from when i can look in the mirror and say i hate you and mean it...its not that hard to say and i do mean it but ive just heard it in random ways so much..its not always a flat out i hate you..its you can do better or you should do better..its you shouldnt have that or do that..you should be like this person or why cant you be like someone else..why shouldnt i hate myself when im forever told im not good enough? it would have been weirder if i had learned to ignore all of it earlier and figure out stuff for myself but it didnt work out like that and instead ive taken everything ive ever heard and just didnt forget it..it comes up when i dont want it to and i just kinda stopped disagreeing with it i guess..no point really..mommy lives in my head and its much harder getting around what i always tell myself vs what ive heard..its all the same thing but somehow ive made it just a little bit meaner..somehow ive figured out a way to make it so i think i deserve it and would have been fine thinking that until i managed to somehow kill myself..but its not the same anymore and i dont think its fair all the time..just some of the time..and whether i think its fair or not doesnt really matter i guess because i do it all the same..i let it happen and so it still ends up being my fault.its like i wont stop until i somehow make myself win her approval..but then i have to wonder if i would be willing to die to get it...perfection comes at incredibly high costs and sometimes i wonder if ill be able to do it..sometimes im so positive that i could just do all of it and then just die because thats the way it should be..but thats not even as set in stone as it once was..i hate that it feels like ive lost my resolve to do anything i once wanted more than anything..i still want to be perfect..a lot of the time i wouldnt care if i died but not all the time anymore..things have changed and im not really sure i like it..im not sure i know what to do about it..im always asking what it is i want to do or what it is im supposed to doing and i just dont know..i can always hear what i think mommy will say or do and it really does cloud my judgement..its just there is no safety at all because im always scared..there is no getting away not really..it will always be this endless circle of wondering why im not good enough and how i can become good enough...and either way i dont win anything..i just exist for no real reason at all without really knowing what im supposed to be doing..i would rather be told what to do so i dont have to worry and then just hate that i cant decide for myself..i cant be my own person when im not always sure what it is i like or why i like it..it doesnt make sense because i dont want it too..all of it makes sense when i dont want it too and tonight wasnt the greatest night at all to just suddenly have a light go off..cleaning is just so mindless..i leave myself open to get lost in my thoughts whereever it is they go at times..for all the times ive wanted to die i wonder now if it would ever work..is there really a such thing as freedom from all of this? is there really a way out that wont kill me? its like why say no to anything..why cant i say no to anything..its because i would rather die than to say no and become the bad one again..she would hate me and never let me forget that i disagreed with something.it would come up again and again until i did wish i was dead..its happened before..i was dumb enough to say i didnt want her to call me every day..i was the selfish one and the one who didnt care..everytime she called which was still every day i got to hear again and again how ungrateful i was..its not worth the hassle .. i dont need her to tell me any of that ive already been told and i remember all of it ..kinda hard to forget when she is always there reminding me that im a complete screwup...she hasnt let me forget my first couple years of college sucked grade wise..not that she would ever tell anyone else...nope im like this completely different wonderful person when shes talking about me to someone else..i can do no wrong when im being bragged about for what little it is i manage to do..but being alone with her is like a completely different thing..its always yea you did this and this ok but it could have been better or done this way..why waste my time thinking im actually worth anything when it wont last..it never does..its always the same old thing and then im just the one who still ends up being hurt ..except then i remember to lie about all of it and make myself believe im somehow in the wrong and that its my fault and that i deserve it..and somehow its makes it easier to deal with...theres really no point to any of it i guess..maybe it would be better if i stopped trying to hard to change and not change at the same time..maybe its completely stupid to put so much effort into doing all this stuff that doesnt work..what would really be the point in not cutting or purging or doing any of that stuff..its not that it doesnt hurt but it just hasnt killed me yet..i could say im know what im doing and that it really isnt a big deal..and that as long as im not caught who would really care...if mommy found out sure i would be put in the hospital..or she would try but i know how all of that works too and it cant be done involuntary unless im suicidal or planning on killing someone else and there would be no way she would ever figure out if i was suicidal or not..i wouldnt tell her and i wouldnt tell anyone else either..no need to make a huge deal out of it for nothing..and then she would be madder at me than before..so not a big deal..wouldnt work anyway..would be easier to go into the witness protection program or something..i would just disappear like ive wanted to do for forever anyway and go away..but if somehow they found me then what? i would have to hear about how worried everyone was and how i made ruinned everything by going away...ive been told a million times that running just wont work no matter how much i want it too..least now i remember really why it is i hate who i am and my life and all this stuff..why trust myself? theres nothing left to trust

hmm

finally starting to feel better...still hurts to breathe most of the time but thats getting better too..head still unfocused as heck most of the time and when we first went out this morning shopping i was cranky i guess..and not feeling good but after a little while it got better..went to a few places and found some really cool stuff..my favorite being the painting thing that chnages when you walk by it ...i got the ripple effect one and nia got the tree that goes through the seasons in like a second flat..so cool..we tried them all out in the store and just kept holding them up and walking by them to see what happened lol..i really like the waves crashing one and the hearts drawn in sand where the water washed them away..i think i would like another one if i could get one...and of course my new care bear calendar..and new movies and some other stuff ..but of course i dont know any of that! so ill wait and see what the rest of it is tomorrow like a normal person..opened on earlier today and nia picked a horrible one to hand me cas it was the thermal undies ..she opened her new coat and henry of course opened his laptop...finally went and looked under the tree to see what i could pick out and i only found my boots and dvd player that i was sure about..the other stuff i couldnt figure out at all but im guessing clothes and whatnot..so feeling a little better than i was earlier..still way out of sorts i guess..we went out for lunch and i paid because well that was just kinda how it worked out..and it was fun..laughed and joked around about the stupid stuff we usually talk about but havent in like forever..so it was fun and really did help my mood a lot..now im just trying to figure out if ill be able to sleep tonight...never manage to sleep great on christmas eve waste of time to try..spend half the wait waiting and then finally fall asleep to have henry come in and wake me up a couple hours later ..so shouldnt sleep...maybe after i watch my movie ill clean up or something to stay busy for a little while

empty

it is really hard sitting here and not being able to figure out what it is im trying to say..my head is just kinda empty..finally figured out this morning im feeling incredibly depressed and sad...i keep thinking i feel crummy and im trying to make it into an excuse to just kinda hate christmas this year..i dont need to use it as an excuse though i can feel crummy and still not like christmas right? i havent looked forward to chrsitmas this year and i dont know why but just havent..henry told me lastnight i wasnt really a c hristmas person at all after him and nia completely kept trying to get me to open presents early and i didnt want too...i dont really care whats under the tree..although i did find out last night that nia and henry both got new computers and im sorry but i was jealous..still am..my big thing was getting new tires...well i didnt get them and i knew i wasnt after mommy started saying i didnt need to take my car when i moved..and after she went on and on about how there are still things she has to get for the new apartment and help with rent and all this stuff..so screw it..i dont care and for all the time ive thought about stuff i want vs stuff i need im still coming up with nothing..i know i got new hiking boots cas i ordered them and had them sent to me..i opened them and tried them on and when mommy came she had me give them to her so she could wrap them..saw no point in that but ok...after that im not really sure what she got me..im going shopping today and i have no idea what i want..drawing a blank on everything right now..and for as much as we want a new video game i know i cant get one..not with having to do all the apratment stuff ..just doesnt seem fair i guess...im selfish for being jealous in the first place because i have a car and a computer..both work well enough and i dont need a new computer at all...just thinking about tomorrow gives me a headache..its going to take forever to get through and we are going to my aunts and then cousins..without mommy here we are the ones who have to go places ..maybe it will make the day go faster i dont know..i keep thinking about after christmas and not going back to my reg therapist..i wont have anyone to talk too anymore..or not talk too..i wont have anyone to half complain too..it will take forever getting used to a new person ..beforethat it will take forever to find a new person..scared about moving now that its like a week away and nothing is really working out like it should..if mommy cant go next week then ill just have to go by myself or with henry..i cant wait on her or i wont have anywhere to live..or what to do with my stuff because it has to be out of my apartment now by umm like jan 4 or something..so waiting her her just wont work not when electric and all that stuff has to be turned on..so much to do..maybe im just starting to feel completely overwhelmed again..there does seem to be endless htings to do..for some reason this morning when i woke up i started worrying i would turn out to be just like mommy and im sorry but if that happened i would have to kill myself.i would rather be dead than the end up like her..well now that ive depressed everyone i guess im done..

still sick

do i really have anything at all to say? still feeling horrible and sleeping is a pain in the butt..ive sneezed so much in the past couple days its just getting gross..taking so many different meds behind each other im not sure which ones work and which ones dont..cant get rid of my headache for long..just feeling wiped out i guess ...still babysitting as i have been since thursday..and still most likely wont be going home until much later today..they want to go to the movies and of course ill be the one taking them..not that i mind because i want to see night at the museum too...they asekd this morning what i wanted for christmas and i told them a new car...felt guilty for all of a second before reality came crashing in and i know they can afford a new car for me...not expecting one but at least i told them..most likely gonig shopping with nia and henry tomorrow ortonight dontknow yet but it will have to be early tomorrow morning if we go because stores will be closing early..have gotten to play there ps2 though ..kingdom of hearts...mommy left this morning for her trip ..the car thing got worked out and i guess shes not mad at me about it anymore..just wish i was feeling better..

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget. You are not a very grounded person. You prefer dreams to reality. For you, it's all about possibilities. You believe that people see you as a bit small and insignificant. People pay more attention to you than you think. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

nothing great

ive decided its my sinuses that are the problem and i hope i just take enough meds to make it through the day without a horrible headache and overall just not feeling good feeling..woke up after mommy left and took something and actually made tea for like the first time in months and then went back to bed for a few hours..but now im up and eventually ill have to make my way over to dees house cas riley and harris and now tyler are completely looking for me and expecting me to show up..so ill go over there at some point in the next couple hours..have to do a couple errands and get gas and all that fun stuff i never had to worry about before..im really just hoping ill feel better soon and wont be sick for all of christmas..and since ill most likely be at dees house until christmas eve ill just have to figure it out as it happens and take extra meds with me so that ill be awake and half way attentive to wahts going on..doesnt really feel like im focusing on anything though and its taking forever to write this or write anything..maybe i should go eat or something..

but getting sidetracked..it doesnt feel like its christmas at all right now..it was a little colder yesterday but it didnt really change anything..i have no idea what i want from nia or henry and i told wayne to get me movies..im going shopping with nia and henry though so i could just pick something out in the store and tell them to get it..im guessing way to much has been going on to really care much for christmas this year..and now being sick just makes it a little worse..mommy is already planning what we are going to be doing after she leaves..and its just better to say ok to what ever it is she is planning and then change it as we see fit after shes gone...not a big deal and less stress i guess..

feeling crummy

i think im catching a cold and didnt notice it soon enough or something..now im feeling so out of it and being up so late isnt helping at all..feeling sick and like theres cotton stuffed in my head..took some sinus.sold med stuff and im hoping ill be able to sleep off the worst of it..babysat tonight and it was fun, played games all night and ive promised to come back tomorrow to play real charades with them and im baking cookies for santa on saturday with harris..most likely will be spending tomorrow night at there house..prolly be at there house until christmas eve..but started to have a headache there and then got really tired driving home..and got home and had to clean up..go figure who else in there right mind would clean up at 11 at night! but not a big deal didnt say i wasnt feelign good cas its not that important or whatever will just keep meds with me until im ok again and i hope its soon..im starting to think i always get sick around christmas..no idea why but its still a huge pain in the butt! and now im off to bed before i just fall asleep in the den

oh well

well things are as they usually are..im always in the wrong but thats nothing new on so many levels..not going to look at apartments and i guess i should stop expecting stuff with mommy until its the last minute..so i know where i learned it..but anyway..wasting the day doing nothing..watching tv and online and waiting for dusti to come out of hiding again..i really should fix the door on my closet so she will stop getting in there..a bit bored..ok really bored ..still really sad about the whole therapy thing..funny i never thought actually ending would be so hard..trying really really hard not to ignore it cas then it will just get worse and ill have to deal with it eventually..so guess ill be stuck figuring all of it out for a while..overall just sad..its actually getting colder..maybe it will snow..prolly not but maybe..and im not really feeling up for writing so maybe ill think up something else to add later on

stupid me yet again

u came home today because mommy said we would be gonig to look at apartments tomorrow..i go through all the trouble to get it set up and everything for tomorrow and now i find out im not even going..if i was sure my car would be ok doing the drive i would go by myself..no idea how i would pay for anything but i would go..and i cant even do that..and for once when i actually called and talked to the lady and set it all up i have to call back and say i wont be showing up..how am i supposed to be getting an apartment when i call and say ill be showing up and then call back the next day and say im not showing up...its not fair! i didnt want to come back and after the long freaking speech i got for her about how she could only go on wed and how i needed to be home and all this junk..and so regardless of what i wanted to do i said ok i would come home tuesday instead of saturday..when i wanted to come back..i could have finished packing and then come..but no to save the arguments and a milliong conversations about how selfish i am..i said i would come home and now that i am im stuck here..waste of gas to go back..so stupid..i should have known better once again..stupid stupid stupid

.

it doesnt feel like its only a few days to christmas at all..the lights are pretty and everything at night but its not even really cold heere..theres no snow..ok that i kinda knew wouldnt happen but it still would have been nice...but it just really doesnt feel like a holiday..christmas could come and go and im not sure i would notice it completely..mommy isnt even going to be here and so we c an so open presents on christmas eve..henry wants to open them like the day she leaves and granny wont even be there so its not like anyone would know but us..but still its only fair to wait until chrsitmas eve if we are even going to be doing that...and we are so like going shopping on christmas eve cas we are all major slackers and never shop early for each other..i got nia something and gave it to her on saturday but it wasnt really a christmas thing..well it was and ill get her something else when we go shopping..considering ill prolly be shopping until christmas eve if not on christmas eve..so if i cant go shopping then they will get money from me..kinda works out in a way..alright christmas is just really depressing and im not sure why..supposed to be happy at christmas and im not..didnt even take the valium that im holding on to for some reason..still dont know what im going to do with it now..i think ill just leave it here and not take it home..although when mommy leaves i really do need to get that empty bottle and throw it away..not that she would even notice the meds have changed but whatever..huge lack of motivation to finish packing..dont wantto do it aat all..i just want a break from everything and going home is not a break..ill have to do more there than i do here..home is never a break.there is always something to do or somewhere to go..and just lounging around is never good if mommy is there because then she will find something that needs to be done..so kinda really good she wont be here i guess..except then i just feel guilty for even wanting to be happy that mommy isnt going to be around for a few days after friday..and it sucks ..theres a limit to how happy i can let myself ..oh well im not doing anything but wasting time

well gee

Congratulations, you made the Chancellor's List this semester!

its so not even cool how close i was to a 3.0 overall and didnt make it..blah

fashion show

random pictures

award
















cap














cara, me, shameka, ashley

sick of packing

been really good packing wise..but constantly finding more and more stuff that needs to be packed is becoming incredibly overwhelming..its like the more i go through all of it the more i dont know what ive already done and what i need to do..im running out of boxes and space and everything just seems to be piling up...i really did feel incredibly overwhelmed earlier and had to stop..ive partly emptied both of my closets and there are still clothes all over the place..mommy says dont throw away any of my clothes and if i packed them all i would have nowhere to put half of them!! i have clothes in ever suitcase i own..a box of shoes..a box of sweatshirts..and there are still clothes in my closet i need to take down and clothes on the floor i need to pick up..theres still so much to pack and it feels like ive done nothing..regardless of the bunch of boxes sitting all over the place packed already..4 upstairs..2 open downstairs..few smaller ones for just randome stuff..suicases and the crate things..geez i could clothe a third world country and it wouldnt put a dent in my closets at all ..maybe all of it is just starting to get to me..its just incredibly dishearting to work so hard and it still seems like ive done absolutely nothing ...ive had to decide that once i find out when exaactly im moving ill have to come back a couple days ahead of mommy to finish packing stuff..i just wont be able to get it all done by tomorrow..no way in heck..not when the kitchen still has to be tackled and i cant start packing dishes or anything until all of them are cleaned...ive been cleaning the cabinets out and throwing away all the food and stuff i had that has been opened and never used..boxed up all the unopened stuff to go with me..found so much stuff i never thought i would see again...thrown away tons of junk..and im still finding more stuff...i didnt realize how much i could stuff into a closet and forget about..ive been trying to stay focused and its slipping a bit now..im tired of packing and looking at boxes..im tired of all of it really ...so now ill play with pictures for a while and then get back to packing...

completely in a not caring mood

sunday

nothing incredibly thrilling to write about today...wasted the whole day literally..well wasted the morning and then went and picked up pictures and talked myself into and out of going to the movies a million itmes...going by myself..well really doing anything by myself really does make me uncomfortable and then i start worrying about crowds and everything..so i was almost completely once again talking myself out of something i really wanted to do..and since i went and got my pictures and didnt see a lot of traffic i went to the movies and saw eragon and casino royale..both good movies and a great way to waste like 6 hours!! didnt plan on even going to see casino royale..wanted to see blood diamonds instead .. but since i was so walking out after watching eragon and noticed that i wasnt near the 4 showing for blood diamonds but iwas near the 3:45 showing of casino royale..i picked to see that one instead..besides riley and harris said it was a good movie and if they sat through it then it had to be good and it was..lots of action and whatnot..and then i came home and made something to eat and watched a little bit of tv and now im trying hard to stay awake long enough to write this...kinda disappointed in myself for not packing at all today..so my goal for tomorrow is to get my clothes sorted out and packed away ..and wed im supposed to be going to sc with mommy..joy for that one..and then ill have a more set date for when i have to have everything packed...dee goes out of town a couple days after christmas and i can come up a day or so before mommy and finish packing if i have too..so im not increidbly worriedabout it but it would be less stressful to do as much as i can now..no idea why im so tired when ive done nothing lately..slept for like 12 hours last night..off and on but for total time it was a little over 12..no one should sleep that much..dusti is her usual self running all over everything..was intent on sleeping in my bed last night and no amt of moving around i did got her off for long...and she was completely hanging out on my back earlier..but rather dull day..hmm peanut butter and jelly with strawberry milk is really good at like 9 at night ..since im in the process of packing and what not cooking is so not on the list of things to do..so pb&j is awfully handy..oh and ive decided i completely want a dragon..

not cool

mommy told me yesterday that she wants my plaque to keep at home andd i told her i wanted to keep it ..i dont see how it would be fair for her to have it when its mine and i just think i should have it..not fair really but oh well..ill just pack it and forget where i put it if it comes up again..no idea why i completely feel asleep at like 8 last night..all day i was tired after i got home and just finally gave up trying to stay awake and went to sleep and then woke up at 5 today..well little bfore 5..im ready for the graduation today..just waiting for mommy to get here with nia so we can go and i prolly need to get my last minute stuff ready! yvonne has already left for break and so i wont see her until sometime in jan most likely..after today all thtas left is packing..going to he movies tomorrow..and then all i have next week is therapy and after that its home..finally picked a day and told dee i would be home on wed..for some reason i decided to do a search and see if it is possible to live in one state and work in one..and well you can but theres some tax thing that has to be done because ill be taxed on both states..completely doesnt make much sense to me but ill ask mommy today and see what she says...so just another day and then everything will be back to normal except according to henry im now in the real world

its over..really

graduation was today..the small one and it really didnt take long at all but it was still really scary..having all of the people in the stands and we are sitting in the middle of the gym..but it was the most nerve wrecking waiting for things to get started and as soon as we started walking into the gym i started wanting to cry..sitting and watching all of the other ppl walk across the stage made me want to cry too..listening to the speeches and talking about where we were going..ok so all of it made me want to cry but i never really did..the hoods that you get for completing your masters got my attention ..some of them were really pretty that the teachers had..the purple and gold onesthat the masters ppl got were ok but i want a blue and teal one so i guess im hunting for the school that has those colrs so i can get one!..it really took me the whole graduation and then some to figure out what exactly the hooding thing was and longer than that to figure out bsws dont count in the hooding stuff..and its not even a hood! there like big scarves..but anyway it was cool..mommy and henry came..nia should be coming tomorrow...at home not really doing anything..still afraid to start really packing..i keep thinking ok this will be the day i really start and then i just get scared again and dont do anything..it has to be done and i have to get around to dealing with the moving part..still kinda shying away from that part of things..no real idea what im wearing to the graduation tomorrow..talked to jon about the job today..and it was surprising that he called today of all days! but it was fine..i found out im going to the fla keys! holy cow that will be so cool..and holy cow we are going in the short bus ! ok it took a while getting used to the short bus being the main mode of camp transportation lol..but it was fun too in a way...the big bus was fun too..talked about working there over the summer and what group i wanted..still sticking with my base camp kids...even though they were suicidal terrors at times i would still work with them..the job part isnt really making me scared anymore because of something i wrote the other day that just kinda made me realize how stupid i was being about stuff...how sane does it make me to think that im scared of leaving one supportive place for the one place i felt safest at and got support..yep just knowing i was freaking out and even thinking that makes me wonder what my head gets wrapped around at times..the stuff that doesnt make any sense sticks with me the most i guess because i dont want to think about the stuff that does make sense..so everything is becoming final and that is scaring me...everyone says stay in touch but will be really? i dont know...its hard thinking that far ahead...will things work out the way we want them too..will any of us be with the same jobs or living in the same places five years from now...hard even trying to think about any of that when i know i am moving..funny i just remembered ive been talking about moving out of north carolina for forever..didnt think that move would be just one state over and still work in nc! not to mention im trading one greenville for another one..one thing i did happen to find out is that there is a community health mental center there..completely confusing looking at the website though..so i dont know..will figure it out im sure..eventually ..cant believe its actually left up to me but then its always been let up to me i juts take my time doing junk..or else i just wait until its not as scary anymore...or hmm no i just wait and freak and wait until someone else picks up on that im not doing anything..too bad that wont be happening anymore..writing this is making me sad again..thinking of everyone i wont see anymore...maybe constantly worrying about what i wont have anymore overshadows what ill be getting...i dont know..i worry too much about the small stuff...well i worry too much in general..hence why valium should be my new best friend and that it kinda sucks i cant get it..realisticly knowing i dont need it because i would takke it too much and too often..so yea nice to think about but not gonna happen ..so i need to get around to not thinkingabout it! ill think about other stuff..like the fact that ill be heloing shape a program for talisman or that im going back to the mountains and getting a place to myself..there is good stuff to think about but im just not seeing it completely..

shocked just isnt the word

im back from the awards ceremony...yvonne went with me..i got the achievement aaward for my class.. i didnt think i would get it..i didnt even know what awards they were giving out in the first place and i wasnt expecting to get anything at all..and once dr bunch started talking about how faith would be recongized tomorrow at the big graduation i really started wondering who would get the achievement one..the whole time she was giving the speech about why the person gets it i juts kept thinking please dont calll out my name..please dont make me go up there and get it..im guessing by the time i got around to thinking that i knew i was getting it..and still it shocked me all the same..and i didnt want to get up and go get it either but i did..i have a plaque and everything..my teachers knew and didnt tell me!! its nice though..almost want to be proud of myself..i cant believe they gave it to me?! me the quietest person in my class..i tried so hard to not be noticed and they noticed me all the same..and they didnt give up on me..maybe i am a little proud of myself..everyone congratulated me...its like now i know my teachres know how hard i worked to keep myself in school and to graduate and stay in the program...took a bunch of pictures..and i was really glad yvonne went with me..called mommy when i got out and told her..she called aunt frances and uncle jason and dee and i told them...yvonne decorated my hat thingy for tomorrow and saturday..i finally took out my gown and tried it on..its so long..and to big but oh well..it hangs to the floor! but suddenly im completely ready to graduate..wanted to cry a few times but didnt..i dont think mommy will be staying in town tomorrow..and the apartment is a mess and theres just no way to clean it up before they get here tomorrow..no way am i going to bother cleaning it up..just not worth it..between packing and having to pull stuff out to put it all away just to repack it doesnt make sense..so if i get yelled at ill just have to deal with it..hmm dont know what im going to do with my plaque just yet..maybe ill just look at it for a couple weeks and then hang it up after i move..and to think i didnt even want to go to the awards thing!

scared..nervous..and thats about all

slow night

i really should stop leaving this thing open for hours on end and not writing anything..getting tired now..and actually made it through my horrible mood without cutting..came home and just got distracted mostly..watching cartoons and other random tv things that made me laugh..made dinner actulaly..well made breakfast for dinner..ran to the drug store and got some hair junk..did my hair and cut it again..but did it all the same..and now im watching tv and chatting and surfing the net..just to make sure i stay as distracted as i can..mommy is intent on making sure im out by jan..sucks in a way because im still so afraid of packing and moving..and shes just pushing it on me relentlessly..talked to hollice tonight and that did make me feel better..she thinks im getting a tattoo over the summer ..would be completely laughable if i was sure she would forget between now and then and im not sure she will lol..so ill have to figure that out whenever it gets here... and now im sleepy..it finally came to me that i onnly got 6 hours of sleep last night..way less than my usual amt and its so catching up with me now...found out mommy had surgery yesterday..how did she forget to tell me she was having surgery? and then swore she told me cas she said everyone knew..well i guess im not everyone since i didnt know..but anyway..it was fine and shes back to normal and said she would be here on friday..so ill be by myself at the awards thing tomorrow night..maybe i shouldnt go? i dont know..and maybe im just tired and out of it right now..

stupid

trying hard not to cut...not currently at home..came to campus because i didnt want to be at home anymore with yvonne there because i was mad at her for being mad at me..its ujst one of those incredibly stupid things i guess..i told her today i would most likely be out of the apartment by the end of jan...she got pissed off because i had said i would be there until jan..and ok i did say i would possibly be there but nothing was definite yet because i hadnt talked to mommy..i havent seen her to even tell her anything thats going on and so now shes mad that she has to pack and everything and i told her last week about the 30 day notice..she knew that..i still havent bothered mentioning that i have until the 7th but with mommy so intent on me having a new place by the 1st its a waste of time bringing it up..so i left because i was getting upset about everything..im still upset about everything and being on campus doesnt really stop me from wanting to cut..it just gives me something to do for a while..i dont want to do anything but i just keep thinking about how much i want to hurt and how much it would suck to have to go to the health center today because ive killed my arms..i want to really cut my lower arms and being on youtube this morning really didnt help me at all..because youtube is like this huge make a video of what ever in the heck you want to and you can stream it on your page..yea well there are bunches of videos on cutting that i just kinda fell into this morning and watched some of them..and it was really hard looking at them because i see my scars every stupid day and i know how they got there..and seeing videos of ppl just like covered with cuts..new and old was like aa huge trigger i guess..stupid of me for watching the ones i did in the first place..stupider for looking them up although not obviously..looked up other stuff i knew would lead to it i guess..ssso my fault for being stupid..got to campus and of course no one is around anymore..didnt want to bother prof dunn because she looked busy..and ii really did think i was going to start hyperventilating if i didnt calm down..ended up in the lab where im at now and played a couple games until i was calmer before i decide what im going to do with the rest of my day..i have things to do i guess but i dont want to do them..i dont really want to be by myself because ive been thinking abuot the valium i have and ive been thinking about it time frames and it takes a good while for it to wear off and i was pretty much useless the first few hours after i took it last time..and i just want to sleep for a while and i could take it tonight and it would wear off before the awards stuff tomorrow night..i have to go shopping and figure out what to do with my hair and of course clean up the apartment...everything is back to being overwhelming in the worst way right now..and i hate myself and wish i would die and all that fun stuff...like some how everything is my fault and i deserve to be hated for being so stupid in the first place...im not important or worth anyones time anyway..guess it just makes it easier to be suicidal if i think im nothing..things are just i dont know..i was ok and now im not and i cant figure out what to do with myself and i know ill go home and just hide in my room because i dont feel like being around anyone right this minute..maybe ill go back and see if prof dunn is still there or something and then i guess go home..no reason to stay on campus when i would just walk back and forth without doing a thing..theres nothing for me to do..and so now im just stuck in my head and i dont even want to be there right now

sleep

and this would be the huge shining example of why napping during the day is a bad bad bad idea. its going on 1 in the morning and im still up. lately ive been able to go to sleep at 8 and now im up after midnight . darnit i hate not being able to sleep. wasting time looking around youtube and messing with the icons. all sane people are in there beds right about now .

i have to go see the lion king again

i forgot

finally got my grade back..got an a in my last class for forever..and i was starting to worry i would fail because it took forever for dr bunch to post grades..dont know why i was worried since i turned in all my work and everything..but still i worried i would fail completely accidently of course becuase i didnt try to fail..thought about it but didnt do it..so now i am graduating no way out of it..and mmy gpa is so close to being a 3.0 but like a tenth of apoint and it sucks royally that it didnt go up more.. oh well no use being bothered about it..i cant take another class or anything..cant believe its all over with..

the grinch is one..im not really watching it but im more like just listening to it.its not like i havent seen it a half a million times..i like it though..the cartoon doesnt get old even though i have seen a lot..i watch it like 5 times a year at christmas because they keep playing it around christmas but its a good one ...and im just rambling about nothing yet again

where has my day gone

i didnt do anything today..napped for a couple hours..zoned out when i woke up because i really did forget that sleeping during the day makes me feel worse than just being sleepy all day..went to the grocery store and picked up something to eat but thats all..now im just wasting time watching tv..its been a tiring day and ive barely done anything..just wondering why im the way i am..watching strong medicine and hating ppl in general right now becuase ppl make bad decisions when they really dont need to..and as much as i love strong medicine i think just about every episiode gets at me in some way..not really in a bad way but its one of those make you think all the time kinda shows.. and a couple hours later i still cant figure out what exactly it is i want to write about...everything is making me scared..i keep thinking ..i just keep thinking

not having a great day

im incredibly pissed off at myself right now...i went to actually look for the inforrmation i had printed off about all the apartments im considering and i cant find any of it..after thinking back to wher ei left them and what i had been doing im pretty sure ive thrown them all away..accidently or not it is depressing ..i put a lot of time into searching for all that information and i all i have to do is reprint it but its going to take a lot of time..and i did it once im not thrilled to have to do it again..it has to be done though and it just sucks big time..cant believe i was dumb enough to throw it away..and i know i must have stuck it back in my folder and i could swear i looked through it before i threw it away and i just cant find them..so its just there gone and i suck and i have to go and refind all of it..maybe im just in a bad mood or something right now..cas everything is really bothering the heck out of me..i was writing this morning and it completely stole what energy i had..funny how writing can be draining when im not doing anything but just writing and thinking..but it is tiring in its own way..the same way therapy is tiring when you arent doing anything but talking or in my case thinking and not talking..just im starting to get scared about graduation and because im trying hard to pretend im not its coming out in different ways i guess...all of it sucks a lot right now..starting to get slightly overwhelming again..not breakdown inducing but just starting to not want to do anything to stop from dealing with everything...yvonne wont be going to my graduation which i found out last night too..and its cas she has an exam so its not a big deal..still hurts though that everyone is busy and cant come..right now i dont think anyone will be at the awards ceremony with me..just mommy on friday and maybe mommy, nia and henry on saturday...not a big deal..its not like im important or anything at all..im just feeling stupid and i dont know..cant figure out a bad enough word without ugh i just dont know..im distracted a lot right now and i keep losing track of what im writing ..dusti is laying next to me going back and forth between wanting to be petted and being content just cleaning herself..shes got a paw stuck in my robe and doesnt seem to mind it all actually..shes a funny little cat and yet she does calm me down some..prolly cas watching her makes me laugh..im thinking shes gonna roll herself right off the bed if she keeps licking that hard..anyway..was thinking this morning when i woke up early yet again in a sad mood about stuff from being younger...same few memories popping in my head and ive stopped trying to figure them out but thinking about them makes me wonder all the same..and its hard wondering about what im not sure about..because i want to make myself believe nothing happened and some of it i just know happened..and its is saddening in a huge way..was thinking about my ever changing eating habits too..im not a vegetarian anymore and i dont care but i worry about what other ppl will think of me because of it..like anyone really cares what i eat or dont eat but all the same im worried..like ive disappointed everyone in some big way because ive decided i dont want to be a vegetarian anymore..its doesnt make sense to me to do it if i dont want to and i dont..but still it worries me..im juts stupid about some things i guess..and for that reason i havent bothered mentioning it to anyone yet..its not fair that im stuck judging myself by how everyone else will see me..takes a lot of work doing that..im afraid ill start crying..noticed that yesterday too while i was with prof dunn..i dont want to cry and im not sure ill last through all the graduations without crying..doesnt mean i wont try..im back to threatening myself in my head again..does add a level of humor to my life..im terrified of guns and i use it all the time to threaten myself knowing i dont have one and would never use one...just it works at deverting my attention until i can calm my nerves down..off thinking about something else again...for some reason a lot of remembering is going on in my head today..its making me want to just hide somewhere and forget all of it..

i think nowhere is a place..empty of everything..and thats where we are..a place where no one can get to me

i dont know

feeling really alone all of a sudden..sad and alone..alone and lonely..just alone and unnoticed..but thats not completely true either i guess..prof dunn took me out for ice cream and it was so great..because coldstone is the greatest place on earth and i didnt have to pay..but just talking to her was nice too..talked about random stuff and ended on my lack of winter clothes for moving..i like my sweatshirts and for some reason im thinking that wont be enough for sc..although ive been looking for excuses to wear long sleeves year around for forever..so ill figure it out..she got me a new journal and now i have another one to add to my collection..i have a bunch of journals in various notebooks and two online..i think i should have run out of words by now..but i dont think that will ever happen because im always thinking..im always talking to myself either outloud or in my head..im forever figuring out some problem that needs to be fixed and i cant figure out..and with all the stuff i think about i also think i should have driven myself crazy by now..but i havent so i guess im dealing with it as much as i can..i just write all of my crazyness down and then never read it again..maybe its a waste of time writing so much..if there is no purpose for it..after i leave will i still keep this one..this has been my completely safe place for writing everything that doesnt make sense..and even here sometimes it is hard writing what i think about but eventually it all comes out..and i like that no oone can read it without having the link to it..no reason to give it out and no one can find it if i dont want them too..so it is safe in a way..ive stopped expecting the anxiousness to come back and i really hope it doesnt because it made everything so hard..but without it i worry that ive somehow completely cracked up and i just dont know it..maybe ive gotten so good at hiding that i cant even tell if im having a break down anymore..but because im still getting sad i guess im not having a break down..seriously though i can not keepe going to bed at 7...i want to go to bed because because i dont want to have to deal with anything and i worry that if i keep sitting here just half watching tv then ill cry..or start being stupid..and i dont want to really do any of that stuff..mommy is starting to pester me about having something to wear to graduation and i have to go shopping tomorrow to find something to wear..i only know what im wearing on thursday and thats all..i dont know about friday or saturday yet..but becausae i keep being asked im starting to get scared about it..a lot of thoughts are going around in my head but its just keeping me thinking about stuff i dont want to think about..i dont want to be a baby and cry over nothing..now i know that next week will be my last therapy appt until i get a new one..and just knowing it will be left up to me makes me want to hold off and not rush..and yea i was so expecting to hear that but hearing it sucked so much..i was really starting to make myself believe i could make it without therapy and that could have worked if i didnt get so suicidal at times...i would have gone back eventually but how well would i have been doing then? i dont know..so now im working on time frames and i mean giving myself a month or so just to get used to being there and finding and moving into an apartment and figuring out when ill be off and actually get paid a couple times will help in deciding when i go..now im worriedabout how to find a therapist..how to go about setting something up..all this other stuff i never had to do...but being on my own means ill have to stop letting other ppl decide stuff for me..stop making decisions for me..even if it takes me like 3 months ill decide on something..im just not comfortable at all starting over..i dont want to..i dont want to think about starting over and talking to a new person..who wants to deal with me when i dont want to talk? what will i talk about without school as a backup subject because i sucked so bad at it..what will i do with myself because i dont know and i keep thinking how nice it would be if someone could just tell me what to do and when and how to do it..but i keep pushing that thought away because im sick of other ppl telling me what to do..its not fair and im old enough to make decisions by myself right? and i say that without really believing it..i just say it because i think it and i want it but i dont really know how to get it..if i made a list of pros and cons of staying in therapy im pretty sure the pros would out weigh the cons even if i downplayed every stupid little thing..its just weird..i have to make myself get used to so much stuff so fast..well just deal with it persay..i dont have to like it..i have to remember that..i just have to do it, accept it, live with it..but i can hate all of it..and i think i might just keep hating it to myself and tell everyone else im jtus thrilled to be moving and having a job because its the right thing to do and thats what everyone wants to hear..why would anyone want to know that im scared about moving ..not because i wont be near family but because i dont want to be a new place completely alone...same reason i say no one would care to know im suicidal..its not important and ive i dont have a plan i dont need anyone worrying or being mad at me..i dont really talk to anyone about the depression or being suicidal or the cutting..not even when i cant eeven trust myself to be safe alone for a day i dont say anything because i dont want to bother anyone..i dont want them to be mad at me ..or disappointed in me..asking for help is not something i do easily or often at all and even when i have to i try hard to find a way out of it..i dont want anyone to worry about ,e..i want everyone to think im fine and dont have any problems and that way i wont be noticed..no one will care..and even writing all of this i know some of it is complete lies because i say i dont care but i do...a lot of the time when i come home and yvonne is here and then leaves to go and do something i just want to ask her to stay because i dont want to be alone or i just want the company.. and then i wonder what in the world gives me the right to demand her time when she has other stuff to do that im not included in..its not fair that im being selfish because im just stupid and cant handle anything..so i just watch her walk out the door and feel incredibly invisible because it feels like im not a part of her life anymore..this semester since we are both going in different directions i never see her..she is always at home on the weekends now and im here...she has her boyfriend so what in the world makes it more fun to just hang out in the apartment with me not doing anything?so i dont ask and i manage most of the time..and then i just get upset and bothered when she comes back and expects me to just drop everyhting im doing to do something with her..its not fair that i start being just distant i guess because im mad at her and wont tell her...dont even have areal reason to be mad at her in the first place..and after she tells me that im always so controlled and pulled together why would she want to know if im having a bad day or struggling to stay safe..she would stay in gville then but it would just be to keep an eye on me and i dont want that either..same reason i refuse to tell mommy anything..she found out about the cutting and threatened to put me in the hospital..if she knew i s till cut i would be in the hospital...nia tells her shes suicidal and she does go in the hospital but i know it wasnt done as a threat.she went to nias school and got her and took her home and to her reg doc..then she was referred to the hospital..its not fair..and so i juts get stuck with being the one who can handle anything without freaking out about it..and i just want to scream sometimes that just because you dont see it doesnt mean it doesnt happen..freaking out for me is adaily thing..who wants to cry because they cant anything to wear? when i have closets of clothes i never wear i cant find anything..it makes me feel i dont know..i just cant figure out what i want...i know what is expected of me..i know who i should be and what i should be doing but im not really sure its what i want..parts of me knows what im doing now..graduating and moving are the right things to do but other parts of me wonders if it is to soon..and if i should have waited and tried harder to find a place closer...and stayed in therapy here and kept this apartment..but being this close to mommy does nothing but keep me suicidal and i know that..i hate that..at least when i was up in asheville i couldnt be reached on a daily basis..i talked to her once a week or once every two weeks and that was ok..still got under my skin but not the same way..i wasnt two hours away anymore..i couldnt just pick up and come home ..i wasnt within reach anymore..and i wasnt around any of the things that bother me so much..and its hard to explain what bothers me really..because i know i loved it at the camp..bugs and all i loved it..and it was hiking when i had all the time to think and figure stuff out..but i kept going back to being completely out of my comfort zone and feeling so free i guess...i was away from everything i hated but i was also away from everything i was used too..i was okay there..really okay most of the time and not that i spilled my guts to them but i was able to talk and have fun and be heard..it just worked..somehow it just worked..so yea going back is really the best thing and i know that but i still worry and doubt myself..cant help it..

sad having to say goodbye to everyone...

gee

im back to being incredibly tired all the time again..at first i thought i was just using sleep as an escape and for some of it i was..but right this minute im ready to go to bed and its only juts 7..im feeling completely out of energy and all i want is to lay down and sleep..i went to bed this morning around 1:30 ish and woke up around 7...driving is tiring and prolly just made it worse but i dont know..just tired and drained.. a little sad


if there was one thing you could change about yourself what would it be?? after thinking about it for forever i finally decided i would want to change my lack of confidence..i even picked that one over stopping the wanting to die stuff..but i can handle that..the lack of confidence gets in the way of stuff..if im scared i can talk myself out of doing something i really want to do..i dont believe in myself for anything and always having to get/needing/wanting approval from other people just isnt going to work all the time..i cant expect someone to tell me ive done a good job just to make myself feel better about what i can do...it bothers me and has more so since this summer when i had ppl telling me a lot that i was doing a good job when i was always thinking i sucked ..should i believe me or them? i half believed them and i gave myself hell for it..still do..still half believe my teachers because total trust and belief in what they tell me is not something i want to do right now..i still worry they are lying to me or will hurt me..and that is so stupid because they are my teachers..why would they want anything from me except to do well> they already know about the s/i and still talk to me..what more can i expect? its not fair that i cant trust them and i cant trust me..so thats what i pick to change if i could..and after that of course i would so sell my soul to be skinny but i dont feel like thinking about that right now..

yvonne wasnt here when i got back and i cant say i expected her to be here but she said she would and i got back and dusti is crying up a storm because her dishes are empty..ugh its a good thing i came back today instead of tomorrow morning ..because if i had babysat for longer i would have just come back tomorrow morning and dusti would have been alone for another day..thats why i want to keep her with me and not leave her with anyone else...only i seem to be able to remember to take care of her and its not fair to dusti that i leave her with someone else and no one wants her but me..and maybe im just picking things to complain about for the heck of it..but i dont think that counts as complaining..not really

feeling compeltely selfish lately..ive been so caught up in keeping myself alive that ive forgotten about everyone else..i should catch up on emails and all that sstuff..i was thinking aboutthat too while i was driving...i think about a lot of stuff while i drive and im started to drive in a really detached mode i guess..like im watching whats in front of me but without really noticing it because im off thinking about something else..but its not really like that either..i cant explain it..and just leaving it at being detached doesnt seem right ..i dont know..completely lost interest in everything i was just doing..

heading back

soooo this weekend ended up being really ok..didnt spend any time at home..came back now just to pick up my comp and im heading out the door in a sec..most of my weekend of course was spent with riley and harris and then i was babysitting some other kids last night and spent the night at nias apartment..went to see unaccompined minors and loved it :) gotta love that riley and harris like going to the movies and they absolutely love that i can drive them there now..heck i love it too..all we have to do is get money and we are out..can do whatever we want really as long as its safe and all that good stuff..but still its fun going palces with them..riley gave me a b+ on my parking this time...babysitting for the longs was fun too and i like them..there house is huge like i could getl ost in it and i did get lost in the neighboorhood but eventually found them..and went back over to dees house this morning and completely had a ball going to the grocery store..still not really sure why i love it so much but it was fun and i got tons of stuff for them..all with in reason of course!! but ill write more later since i have to get going if i want to make it back to gville before its dark...hmm tomorrow iwll be busy but after that ill have a couple days of peace before graduation stuff happens..

other thought of the day...i think i might have to kill myself before i get old because i just kinda refuse to let anyone take care of me... not gonna happen and now ill leave

feeling stupid

as of right now im not babysitting and it was such a waste of gas to drive home..that may or maynot change by tomorrow..who knows ill wake up tomorrow and dee will call and ask me to come and babysit..no big deal if i dont..mommy will just be giving me the rest of the money she owes me...ugh so stupid..but before i even got home mommy called and asked if i would help when i got home..and of course i thought great i should have stayed in greenville because now ill be at home with no where to go for two days..still thinking i should have just stayed in greenville..ill be stuck cleaning for the next two days and doing random stuff for mommy for the next two days..oh well no need to complain i guess..not a big deal..and i forgot to take the razors out of my bag..joy

and its the ever so wonderful weekend

its friday and not that it matters much or anything since im going home for a couple days but just knowing its friday and having the weekend in front of me is a bit depressing...but still im going home..playing with the idea of leaving everything in the huge mess yvonne left it in but i know i wont..im sick of forever cleaning everything up for her to come and pull it all back out...and because it is bothering me then i just kinda know its time to have my own place..not that i will tell her because i wrote about how much i didnt like cleaning in a different blog and she sent me all thse ecards saying shes sorry and just started spending every morning slamming dishes around..given i had no idea why she sent me the cards in the first place whene i didnt have anything about her in the blog at all..gotta love when ppl are assuming they know something that may not have anything what so ever to do with them...so i finally told her to stop and it went back to the way it ususally is..i clean and thats pretty much the end of it..so yea i want my own apartment and i want to stop getting so annoyed that i have to do everything here..i havent seen yvonne on a weekend for the past 3 months..i live by myself pretty much anyway..not a big difference i guess..so ill stop complaining and ill clean up the kitchen and living room before i go and do laundry too just to kinda stay busy for the morning..i keep wondering why it is that i want to get home so early when i know i just have to be there around thhree incase i do babysit...i dont want to hang out at home with nothing to do there and having to take care of granny..im not bringing dusti and so ihave to make sure all of her stuff is set up so she can get to it..and ill just leave when im done with everything i have to do..not a big deal but it still makes me worry..

i started going through stuff yesterday for maybe a couple hours until i knew i was going to freak out if i didnt stop..so against all of my better judgement i stopped and went out and finished the 30 day notice thing and went to the post office and got lunch and the reg boring things no one pays attention too..got back and wasted a few hours..took meds for my sinuses and then fell asleep at like 7..kinda sucked since i had so much stuff to do but i was sleep all the same...i dont know why i keep giviing myself time limits to get stuff done because it makes me feel so guilty when i cant finish them and its not like i have huge plans on anything with my time in the first place.. i guess this comes under the heading of giving myself a break sometimes..is it really as simple as just doing what you can and stopping when youve had enough?i dont know cas that makes it seem like im taking the easy way out and not getting enough done...packing is like this huge excuse to destory my room..i have junk pulled out all over the place...mommy told me yesterday not to throw away any of my clothes and i said ok..i still have every intention of giving away what i dont wear..if im pulling stuff out of my closets from like 3 years ago that still have tags on them im not moving with them..and ill just be in trouble if she ever figures it out but im the one moving and i dont want to start taking a bunch of stuff i never wear for no other reason than to look at it in my closet and swear i have nothing to wear..i do it know and ill prolly do it once i move too..but still im trying to downsize as much as i can..and ill have to finishs more of that next week..right now ill jsut leave it all down since i know i wont be packing it yet..might fold up my laundry ive been looking at on the floor though for like the past week and never bothered picking up...picked through them but never picked them up...so yea my room is looking kinda really horrible right now..but since its nothing new i guess im not worried about it..and if i ignore that little lie then nope im not worried about it at all...with my 30 day notice i have until jan 7 to be completely out of the apartment..better than the 30th at least that mommy tacked on and now she is really pushing me to have a place set in stone like now and i dont want to do that because i havent seen any of these apartments..i could agree to live in some crummy place and i dont want that to happen and im holding off doing anything until i go there and im not taking my car there..although the week after graduation is fairly empty and the more i think about it the more i know that would be a good time to go and look around..not thrilled about going by myself but im pretty sure yvonne will be busy with whatever it is she is doing and then ill just be by myself so i should get used to it..im slowly starting to do things by myself and its not so bad but still creeps me out..i dont know when the slighty paranoid part of myself will go away but i wish it would..kinda sucks creeping myself out about stuff before i ever go anywhere! and now that the school bus has come and taken all the annoying kids i used to try not to hit in the morning i guess its offically time to get up and start moving...